Cracked Columnists

The Week in Whales! (Next Week: The Week in Wales!)

In the wake of The Daily Show and Colbert Report leaving the air, I understand many of you have turned to the CRACKED Blog as your primary source of current, gripping, relevant news. In order to punish that impulse, I present the following reports on what's been going on with whales lately.

And what have those mammoth maritime mammals been up to? Not getting killed by the Japanese, for one. Defecating in our oceans for two. But let's go back to the other story for now (For more on the whale poo issue, see my article in December's National Geographic Magazine entitled "Destination Defecation, Population: Poop").

Due to international pressures, the Japanese have agreed to forestall the planned killing of fifty endangered Humpback whales, but are going through with the slaughter of over a thousand other, more plentiful whales.

And believe it or not, the whales are NOT for scarfing; no, they have giant squid brains for that. The Japanese research institute backing the voyage claims the whales are "vital to [their] research [on making a whale-human hybrid capable of wading ashore U.S. beaches and devouring surfers and sunners by the maw-ful]."

So who's the hero here? The International Whale Council, which finally convinced Japan to leave the Humpbacks to their humpbacking. For the sake of our collective joy, I encourage all of you to imagine that the IWC is a governmental body whose members are whales. Other little-known government bodies dedicated to preserving our sea life?

  • The Jellyfish Association for the Preservation of Shrimp
  • The United League of Shark Victims (advocating victimised sharks)
  • Associated Krill and Plankton
  • The Prawn Society
  • The International Noise Conspiracy (Lungfish Division)
    • In other whale-related news, recent fossil evidence suggests that the modern whale is not descended from the Hippo, as has been assumed, but rather from Indohyus, an extinct deer-like creature the size of a raccoon:

    In other words, whales got faaaaaaat.