The Truth Behind The Upcoming Monopoly Movie
Recently, the writer of the upcoming movie based on Monopoly discussed the plot and what we can expect in the movie.
In the movie, a "lovable loser" is really good at Monopoly and "they kid him about this girl and they're playing the game and there's this big fight," then... wait for it... he wakes up inside the game!
As far as I can tell, this Monopoly movie is just a poor man's Jumanji movie, which is just a poor man's Clue movie, which is a good movie. Remember how Clue doesn't involve the actual board game Clue and doesn't have characters going into said board game and eventually escaping said board game until all the characters have said "board game" enough to make you realize you're watching a movie written by 5th graders for 2nd graders? Remember how that didn't happen?
metaphor
The writer says in his synopsis that he tries to have all these little nods to the game like "a sports car pulls up, there's someone on a horse, someone pushing a wheelbarrow," because when I think of Monopoly, I think "sports car." And I'm pretty sure however many characters you have Rich Uncle Pennybags play (he describes four), the "nod to the game" is the fact that the protagonist plays the game and, you know, goes inside the game.
I was "lucky" enough to be the writer's assistant during the inception of this film, and will now give you a firsthand look at the inner workings of Hollywood magic. This is how it went down, to the best of my made up recollection.
"Are we still going ahead with that Monopoly movie?"
"Absolutely, sir."
"Do we have a story yet?"
"You're the writer."
"I know, but... do you have any ideas?"
"Actually, I do. It would kind of take into account our current economic climate. The game Monopoly is based on real estate, capitalism, getting out of jail for free, going bankrupt, and buying things with fake money, so it would be kind of a deconstruction and play on our prison system, banking/credit system, real estate.... And it would all be in front of the cartoonish backdrop of the Monopoly game. I think it could be a really silly and occasionally pointed satire. Also, we can use songs like Money by Pink Floyd or Money by The Beatles or Money by-"
"Leave the writing to the writers, Cody. You're not a writer. You're an internet comedy writer."
"You asked me..."
"What else do we have?"
"We have this DVD of Jumanji..."
"Do we have a DVD player?"
"No, sir."
"Do you remember what happens in it?"
"In Jumanji, sir?"
"YES, in Jumanji."
"The game comes alive or they go in the game or something."
"Did they mention Monopoly in it?"
"I don't think so, sir."
"So, theoretically, if we were to have the game come alive or have someone go into the game or whatever, but it's with Monopoly... it won't have been done before?"
"Technically no, but-"
"What should we call the place he wakes up in?"
"Well, if it's a city and it's based on Monopoly, I would say-"
"Monopoly City! PERFECT!"
"Actually, I was going to say Monopolis, because... you know... Metropolis... City... Monopoly... Monopolis?"
"Monopoly City it is. You're a genius. The other day, my friends were teasing me about a girl. Could we put that in there?"
"I mean, yeah, we could put that in there, but what does that even mean? The guy's friends-"
"-Tease him about a girl, yes."
"..."
"We should also have villains."
"Like-"
"-The Parker Brothers. Brilliant."
"How does that-"
"And they'll play each other in a game of Monopoly IN the game of Monopoly."
"Fine, but can we at least call it Monopoly 1: Jumanji 2?"
"Why?"
"Because it would be hilarious."
"I'll think about it."
"Do you have an ending yet, sir?"
"I do, indeed."
"Can I guess it?"
"CORRECTLY?!? I doubt it!"
"Our schlubby hero defeats the Parker Brothers (with a little help from Rich Uncle Pennybags!) and saves Monopoly Town or Townopoly or whatever, then he wakes up because it's probably a dream the whole goddamn time like in Vanilla Sky, which is just a poor man's Abren Los Ojos, which is just a poor man's North, which is a stupid movie. Anyway, whatever bullshit lesson he learned from defeating the Parker Brothers helps him with the girl he was teased about earlier, as well as with the Monopoly tournament (which he wins because he had it in him all along (or which he loses because he realizes it's just a game and other things are more important)). Then the credits roll as we listen to a song that was popular 15 years ago, like All Star or something from Dookie."
"I was actually thinking about Ants Marching."
"Why?"
"If a Monopoly board game had citizens, they would look like ants from all the way up here."
"From all the way up where, sir?"
"From wherever I'm playing Monopoly!"
"So aside from the Ants Marching bit, I was right?"
"Absolutely. I'm leaning towards him winning because he had it in him all along."
"Can I pitch a movie to you, sir?"
"Anytime, champ."
"It's called Board Game and-
"More like Bored Game."
"..."
"..."
"It's about this guy with a name that rhymes with "sorry" and he's a real nerd when it comes to the game SORRY! The thing is, though, he's really impolite and never says "sorry" in his regular life, only he does say "sorry" when he's playing SORRY! Also he has a crush on a girl and his friends Milton and Bradley pull his leg about it. ALSO he's really good at Connect Four, Trouble, LIFE, and UPWORDS. He gets ragged on and has his leg pulled about the girl again, then he falls asleep and wakes up in Board Game Land and-"
"-More like Bored Game Land."
"You said I could pitch a movie to you anytime."
"..."
"He ends up in Board Game Land, which is just a bunch of different board games, only bigger. He has to defeat something or other and all of the sudden he's a player in a game of SORRY! and, a certain number of spaces later, our hero defeats the blue guy or the yellow guy or the cards but, oh no, now he's in a game of LIFE!"
"Oh, no!"
"There would be all these little nods to the game like he's a little blue stick and his wife is a little pink stick and all the cars are made of non-malleable plastic and have to be pushed by giant hands. Then he's in Trouble and he has to save some dice. THEN he goes into other board games and there would be all these little nods to those games like he'd have to climb a bunch of words or there would be a chute in the background or Uncle Pennybags would show up as a thimble instructor. The protagonist defeats all the things with the inner power of his whatever and wakes up feeling much more confident about having a crush on that girl. He tells his friends off, and they apologize for pulling his leg but not for ragging on him. At the end there's a lesson about having good manners, embracing life, getting out of trouble, spelling correctly, and connecting four. For the end credits we can get Aerosmith to write a song called "Sorry" or "Board Game" only it would sound exactly like Crazy, Amazing, and Crying, which all sound the same anyway."
"I love it."
"There would also be dialogue, probably."
"Either way."
Later that day I was promoted to King of Movies. Even later that day, though, I got my hand cut off and I had to use the Force to get my sister to come pick me up.
That's from Star Wars.-
-King of Movies
I refused to believe this was an actual thing. And then I read Ain't it Cool's article. I proceeded to die a little on the inside when I realized the movie is just as stupid as Cody portrays it. It is actually called Monopoly City and the writer actually says "They kid him about this girl and they're playing the game and there's this big fight."
ReplyJesus. Cody, please write your version of the movie, and rape Frank Beddor with it.
You'll have to roll it up first.
I like your satirical brand of humor. Freshens up the site from the usual. Nice read Cody.
ReplyThat wasn't funny, all of the praise comments wer writted by Cody
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesAdmit it Cody, you're about as funny as Bob Saget, who's about as funny as a rock
Rocks can be funny. There's a rock called a "puddingstone". And what's funnier than pudding? And word's going 'round South Dakota that Washington is a hoot at parties.
Bob Saget is an awesome comedian. f**k you.
Hahaha my fiancee recently saw the roast of Bob Saget and was horrified... she never knew Danny Tanner was such a raunchy old bastard.
Bob Saget destroys THE ARISTOCRATS. see it.
“Fine, but can we at least call it Monopoly 1: Jumanji 2?” best line in the article haha
Replyalso why are the 12 years olds on here complaining about the writing style and format when all they have read is Goodnight Moon and got part way through Go Dog Go?
Goodnight Moon is an amazing read. I will admit that Go Dog Go is a little challenging, it's hard to wrap my head around the theme. I think it's something about a dog going.
After re-reading Go Dog Go the other night I realized that not only is it about dogs going but they are going to a dog party. I also learned that dogs can drive.
I'm not a big fan of Cody's stuff, but this one is pretty good.
Replydon't know why people rag on this guy... he's the most consistently funny writer on this site.
ReplyHahahaha, this is great, nice read!
Replyi found it very good. don't really understand the whole fuss about cody being less funny than the others, and people constantly comparing him to DOB. of course he doesn't write like him, otherwise, what would be the point of hiring two people who do exactly the same thing?
Replythe fun thing in cracked is that its columnists have completely different humors: Swaim has more of an english type humor, gladstone also is more of a tongue-in-cheek humor, brockway cracks people up w/ his trippy articles, DOB is a hilarious sexual predator...and so on. Cody just happens to be the random-funny one, almost like Louis Sachar in his Sideway Stories from Wayside School book series, and to tell you what, i love it. i think he's well on the way of becoming a more talented person, and people should not PMS because he's not DOB. that's the point, he isn't, and it's a good thing.
As for him not beeing funny, i'm sorry, but he does a way better job than Seanbaby does. what do you guys think??
One would assume even that if there is a "Cracked brand of humor" that that brand is 1/7th whatever the fuck Cody is doing.
ReplyI totally agree with JCaine, I'm not a fan of Cody but A LOT of people enjoy his brand of humor and storytelling. There is no specific brand of Cracked humor, that would be counter-productive, that's why they have multiple writers, that's why they let people besides columnist submit articles, that's why they hold weekly Photoshop contests.
ReplyI mean, if you were to watch agents of cracked, you could tell which episodes/lines were written by Swaim or DOB. You, masamonkey, can't dictate what is or isn't funny based solely on your opinion, for instance, a lot of people like Bill Cosby, I'm not impressed. A lot of people love Dane Cook, I want to punch him. WAY too many like Tyler Perry, I want to murder him.
And for the record: (1) if Cracked hired nothing but amazingly funny writers people would flock to their HQ because they would think that Cracked is the only worthy outlet for their genius brand of humor. And (2) no one would think these people are comedy snobs when most articles are lists and every columnist has made at least one blatant dick joke.
@masamonkey, two posts ago you said the following: "If a person in a wheel chair came into our Burger King looking for a job, we’d get in a lot of trouble if we pointed out that he couldn’t actually do anything."
ReplyAm I right in assuming that your usage of the possessive determiner "our" and the first-person plural pronoun "we" would be suggesting that you work at a Burger King? Am I also right in assuming that means you know dick about comedy writing and the hiring practices associated with their craft?
It does and it does.
@JCaine - That's pretty much exactly what I'm saying, though.
ReplyIf Cracked hired nothing but amazingly funny people, readers might think they're some sort of elitist comedy snobs like Woody Allen or Glenn Beck. They wouldn't be able to understand the high-brow humour like when Beck refers to black people as, 'certain classes of people.' A little comment like that passes a lot of people up and they don't realize it's shtick. You have to mix it up a little and throw in some comedy writers with a more populist intent and an amateur writer fills that slot nicely. You can reel people in with Cody and then they can later graduate to DOB once they learn what Cracked brand humour is all about. It's sorta like they learn how to Cracked along with Cody himself, it's fun.
Everybody has a different definition of greatness too. Like you were saying, some disabled people are good at some things, but they're really bad at other things. This is good for an employer in the food service industry because the company doesn't have to pay the handicapped person as much or give them as many hours as the people who can do more things. It's the same reason they hire a lot of immigrants, they can cook the books by counting them as a regular employee without having to actually treat them like a regular employee. I didn't mean to say it was right at all, but that's just how the free market works, companies have to oppress whole classes of people and certain levels of employees if they want the big dollar signs. I mean, Cracked isn't a restaurant like Burger King, but they prolly work on the same principles, it's the blueprint of our culture to fit untalented people into the slots were they'll be most advantageous to the successful people.
Nice. This fit's your random style Cody. Keep it up. You're awsome!
ReplyThis is part of a comment from another of Cody's articles. The one about black comedians being bad at what they do. (Ehhhh... it was one of those crappy ones that you care nto to remember.)
Replymatt Says:
November 17th, 2009 at 11:13 am
This just looks like something written by a 16 year old nerd…for the 13 year old nerds that look up to him.
What does this have to do with anything? Well, here's a quote from this article:
Remember how Clue doesn’t involve the actual board game Clue and doesn’t have characters going into said board game and eventually escaping said board game until all the characters have said “board game” enough to make you realize you’re watching a movie written by 5th graders for 2nd graders?
Notice any similarities? Well, I may just be paranoid, but it seems like that was stolen almost directly from someone criticizing Cody seeing that this article was made after the comment was made. I mean, the interval is even the same. Pardon me for being crazy... if I am.
boo-urns...BE MORE FUNNY!
ReplyI did skip alot of it but this didn't seem to be a usual crappy Cody article. So nice one.
ReplyI'm really starting to like this guy. Good work : )
Reply@masamonkey: you obviously have no idea how the hiring process at any given company works, and you obviously don't understand that there is a difference between saying that someone cannot perform a task because of their physical or mental abilities and them actually being unable to perform a task. You see, intellect is something that is a tangible ability that you CAN discriminate for. Even though I am personally against discrimination laws, you are attributing a ridiculous amount of civil liability for doing something that is NOT under the scope of civil liability.
ReplyHonestly the reason that cracked hired him was not some kind of misstep or the result of some kind of convoluted law that doesn't actually exist, but because he's FUNNY and people LIKE HIM. Read his comments. For every person that is bitching about how much they dislike him, there are two that think he is hilarious and will actually go out of their way to defend him.
Good job Cody, Very entertaining and stuff
Replydon't change Cody.
Replyeven the couple of bits you've done that i've hated were at the very least original.
thanks for being fresh.