Why do we love monsters? Why are we obsessed with vampires, zombies, werewolves, yetis and dragons? It’s because no matter how frightening they are, they still symbolize the last bit of mystery and wonder in the world.
Well, we here at Cracked would like to murder a few of these mysteries right in front of your eyes, hopefully crushing your sense of wonder into a creamy pulp that tastes good on toast and buffs out scratches on linoleum.
Pictured: The Kappa, an ancient Japanese water-demon.
A pretty young girl in the prime of her life is frolicking with her female friends on a local beach, when a monster appears! It’s a setup good enough kickoff half of the Friday the 13th movies, but these young sex-vixens weren’t murdered in alphabetical order while the survivors grieve by stripping off their tops and offering to split up, because the so-called “monster” was already dead. The Montauk Monster washed up on Ditch Plains Beach in July of 2008, where the aforementioned girls found it, photographed it and sold the pictures to the local paper. Then the Internet got a hold of it and, as usual, shit got all blown out of proportion.
The Mystery:
One of the most intriguing aspects of the Montauk Monster was its relative proximity to the Plum Island Animal Disease Center, located just a few miles away. It wasn’t exactly a leap to believe that the corpse was some sort of freak experiment gone horribly awry that heartless executives dumped into the ocean rather than burned, because apparently they skipped Biohazard and Covert Experiment Disposal Day at the Evil Workshop. Some argued that it was a genetic abnormality, some stuck by the aforementioned lab experiment theory, while still others (read: us) suggested that it was simply Jabba’s pet jerk-monster from Return of the Jedi.
Hey, being comedic relief for a mob boss food-monster probably has a high turnover rate–all those long hours, angry Jedi and notoriously poor health insurance plans offered by the Hutts probably take a toll on the little guys–it’s not that bizarre to find a corpse or two.
Various reasonable theories were lobbed up, and promptly knocked down by animal experts. Lacking an immediate concrete solution, the world assumed it must be a new and undiscovered species. After all, wasn’t it Sherlock Holmes who said, “When you eliminate the impossible, the remainder, no matter how improbable, is definitely a monster or at least some kind of magic.”?
The Reveal:
It was a raccoon. Though initial arguments insisted that the legs were far too long, proportionally, to match with a raccoon’s, actual experts went on record with dental patterns, correlating details on the front paws, and skeletal matches that all pointed to the Montauk Monster being nothing more than a decomposing raccoon carcass missing part of its upper jaw. When asked for clarification, scientists sarcastically asked, “What? You want us to draw you a picture?” Then, noting the slack-jawed, dimwitted stare from the audience, sighed with exasperation and did precisely that:
The Moscow Monster was supposedly discovered by Russian soldiers on a beach in Sakhalin, Russia. Sakhalin is actually 5,000 miles away from Moscow, but when pressed, most westerners can only name roughly three things about Russia anyway–vodka, communism and Moscow– so we guess the name just stuck by default.
The Moscow Monster clearly came from the ocean, yet judging by the structure of the bones and teeth, wildlife experts say it’s not a fish. It was also clearly not a reptile, as the only match in size would be a crocodile or alligator, which would not only fail to account for the location, but the skeleton is all wrong for that as well. Finally, Big Bird is still alive and teaching four-year-olds about the intrinsic value of “B,” so that pretty much does away with all immediately apparent options.
The Mystery:
The corpse was estimated at roughly 20-feet in length, and covered in some bizarre shag material that was not feathers, fur or scales. Adding further intrigue to the mystery, it was reported that Russian Special Services were called in to take the carcass away in secrecy. So we’ve got government cover-ups in addition to possibly prehistoric beasts: It’s the thing urban legends are made of.
The Reveal:
It was a beluga whale. All that “it’s not a fish, it’s not a reptile and it don’t got fur” speculation should’ve tipped you off to the answer: What’s not a fish but lives in the water? A fucking whale. What’s not feathers, fur, nor scales? Blubber. Whales are mammals, and their skeletal structures reflects that fact. If you’re not familiar with whale physiology, you might see a live whale and assume that its skeleton is made up of a “bunch of round,” with some “flipper things” on the side. So when a corpse washes up on the beach with what looks like a serpentine tail, articulated hands and a beak, most can be forgiven for assuming it was an uRru tragically felled by the sinister Skeksis.
But experts took one quick look at the skeleton, and stated matter-of-factly that it was a beluga whale; there were no ifs, ands or buts - that’s just what it was. When pressed for proof, they released a photo of a beluga skull alongside the Moscow Monster skull, then slapped their hands spastically against their chests and sarcastically went “dduuurrrr it a monsterrrrr hur hur.”
Because these particular theoretical scientists are total jerks.
Stunning video of a questionable and mysterious creature was recently released to CNN reporters who, ever the bastion of reliability and sober-minded journalism, aired the holy shit out of it while Anderson Cooper screamed “MONSTER!” at the top of his regal yet down-to-earth lungs. The video seemed to show a chupacabra, the legendary Mexican bloodsucking monster that’s supposedly equal parts reptile and canine.
The Mystery:
The video is relatively clear, mostly centered and fairly long, as these things go. Which is to say that it’s not a blurry half-second glimpse of fuzzy gray pixels which could only be identified by calling in the world’s foremost experts in Squinting Really Hard and Guessing Technology. Getting a video of this quality is practically unheard of, you can clearly see the beast in question, so what the hell is that thing?
The Reveal:
The video was taken near a town called Cuero, Texas; a place which cheap t-shirts sold by off-season carnies insist is “the unofficial chupacabra capital of the world.” So clearly, the area has something to gain from stating that the tape shows a legendary monster in all its glory. Several other chupacabra sightings and even actual corpses have cropped up all across the county as well:
And, to a one, have all turned out to be coyotes or coyote hybrids with some kind of mange. Seeing as how all “eye-witness” reports describe the creature the same way–“about the size of a coyote, but hairless”–it should come as a shock to no one that the creature was actually some kind of hairless coyote. But hey, by all accounts Cuero is basically the asshole of Texas. They’re probably not known for their deductive reasoning.
These monsters have all been sensational in their own right, but nobody’s yet gone after the big game and claimed to have unearthed Nosferatu or ridden a werewolf to work. Nobody, that is, until Matthew Whitton and Rick Dyer: Two Georgia men who claimed to have not only discovered a bigfoot but, in true hillbilly tradition, also immediately shot, killed and stuffed it in a freezer. The two men actually called a press conference to announce the discovery where they basically took photos of themselves poking the corpse with sticks and tried to cobble together enough interest to justify a pay-per-view event of the footage. In a nutshell, they tried to start a makeshift carnival freak show. And it totally worked.
The Mystery:
The men not only called the aforementioned press conference, but also issued their own press release, called for DNA samples and hired armed guards to watch the body until it could be authenticated by experts. Now, that’s what you call going all in: With a bet that big, if you get called out, you’re going to lose everything. This had to have some basis in fact, the world reasoned. After all, if it was all just a scam, why would they demand so much attention and offer so much potential proof? Add to this the fact that these two “hick stereotypes” we were mocking earlier were actually a police officer and a corrections officer. Short of Dr. Science showing up on your doorstep with a live bigfoot and a certificate of authenticity signed by Jesus Christ, there isn’t much more you could ask for in terms of proof.
“Forget about game / I spit the truth!” -Dr. Science
The Reveal:
Surely a police officer wouldn’t throw away his entire career on a sub-par hoax, right? At the very least, this “discovery” is going to be a master-minded con, right? Nope. Turns out that “bigfoot” was really just a cheap Halloween costume the two men bought over the Internet–the most traceable of transaction methods–and stuffed with possum guts then chucked into a freezer. When asked how they thought they were going to fake DNA evidence under intensive public scrutiny, the master magicians shrugged, mumbled something under their breath and only when pressed admitted that they had little to no understanding of what the word DNA meant.
“It’s like one of those Jap cars, right?” Offered one con-artist, before jamming his finger so far up his nose it caused a mild seizure.
This bizarre, alien looking creature is the most recent cryptozoological mystery to mindfuck the Internet and not call it the next day. The mystery monster was first sighted in a video taken in the sewers of Raleigh, North Carolina, which appears to show a licker about to drag Gordon Freeman up to the ceiling and digest him.
The Mystery:
Workers that had spent years in the Raleigh sewers were at a total loss to identify the creature, stating that it was much too large for a local slime mold, that it was thriving in an otherwise hostile environment and, perhaps most unsettlingly, it’s jiggling, slimy mass seemed to grotesquely pulsate when confronted with a light source – much like Rush Limbaugh.
“BLOOORAAARRRGHH! LIGHT BURN!” -Rush Limbaugh
The Reveal:
When not digesting Boba Fett over a period of one thousand years, tubifex worms enjoy conglomerating in Raleigh sewers and confusing the hell out of Internet science cowboys. That’s right, the so called “sewer creature” was, in fact, just a handful of bait. The worms, in the absence of soil, had coiled around each other, and the pulsating you see is the result of one worm twitching, which in turn caused all of the others to do the same, like a giant game of sub-metropolitan grabass. They’re exceedingly rare, these colonies, but experts wanted to assure the public that there was no need for concern: The worms, though odd, are a natural part of life in the sewer.
All part of the circle of life.
Further, the water department assured the public that any water passing by the colony would be thoroughly treated before making its way to your sinks… then they issued a statement retracting their former statement, because the creature was supposedly in a private sewer system. But they quickly reassured the public again that it still posed no danger. The Water Bureau then issued a declaration of “ no-take-backs” and then held a press conference to assure everybody that it was “not un-opposite day.” Long story short, the worms probably pose no threat to anybody, save for disappointing everyone that still wants to believe in magic and monsters. If you’re one of those people who do still believe in mystery, you can apparently go fuck yourself straight to Hell.
And when you get there, tell the Devil Science sent you.
For more monster goodness, check out The Real World Fears Behind 8 Popular Movie Monsters and 15 Retarded Dungeons and Dragons Monsters.
This entry was posted on Friday, August 7th, 2009 at 4:00 am and is filed under Animals, Science. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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October 16th, 2009 at 9:51 am
I think the worm thing is actually more disgusting than anything made-up.
September 20th, 2009 at 12:29 am
COckshitMcLIckSuck: Sloth.
September 18th, 2009 at 6:51 am
Waiting on the snotty, “smarter than you” debunking of the gollum found in panama…
September 17th, 2009 at 12:49 am
[...] was looking at the Libra chart, that Mercury and a host of other influences, and my mind started to drift. I was thinking about a singer/songwriter I knew. He made a CD. Played gigs. Toured around, was on [...]
September 10th, 2009 at 5:34 pm
To mah last post VVV: I didn’t read through the whole comments, sorry guys. :V
September 10th, 2009 at 5:32 pm
Actually in the sewercam thing, the so-called “licker” is actually a barnacle. SO SAYS THE FREEMANNNN.
September 9th, 2009 at 12:07 pm
C.H., Rush Limbaugh? That’s who you choose to defend?
September 9th, 2009 at 12:00 pm
While I applaud your effort to conjure what would resemble a possibly insulting reply, C. H. booker, I have to point out that you did a disgraceful job. Writing on the internet in front of a mirror would do absolutely nothing to keep it from everyone else. You’re an idiot.
September 7th, 2009 at 8:40 pm
Take your unfunny moronic political insights and return to the bathroom mirror and continue your performance before the only audience that is impressed by your talents. I promise there are plenty Liberals and Lefties who are horrifying blobs or skanky goo. Barney Frank comes to mind.
September 2nd, 2009 at 7:33 pm
Okay, I go to N.C. State (which is in Raleigh), and even though the gooey sewer monster is actually just a gargantuous fucking pile of worms, it still fucking disturbs me. Dangerous or not, no one wants that shit under their apartment. >:C
August 31st, 2009 at 12:43 pm
Thenez is right, the Chupacabra is a Xoloitzcuintli.
August 30th, 2009 at 1:24 pm
[...] Sursa: cracked [...]
August 30th, 2009 at 10:46 am
Worms colony? Fuck that! I know what i saw and it wasn’t strainy like some 100 worms piling together. it was a solid gooey mass…
August 28th, 2009 at 9:56 pm
DAMN U GUYS CRACKED MY FAVORITE MYTH MONSTERS I HATE U ALL BUT I WONT FUCK MYSELF TO HELL MAYBE TO TEXAS BUT NOT HELL
August 28th, 2009 at 12:51 pm
@Halogenic: does his grammar and spelling apall you? Really?
First rule of being ‘Spelling and Grammar Champion’ on the internet….be sure you know how to spell before you look like a doofus yourself. The word is appall.
August 27th, 2009 at 4:16 am
It’s more likely to be a coyote with bad mange than a human/vampire hybrid (which doesn’t really make sense in all honesty). Yet people refuse to believe something that’s more plausable… weird…
As for the Montauk Monster, there are people on youtube that INSIST it is NOT a raccoon. They ignore the dental comparisons and whatever else experts have because, of course, these youtubers… they KNOW, man!
I’m surprised you left out the “man-eating camel spiders”. I’ve heard, from people that claimed “they were THERE!” that the things got to be 6 ft. around and were the most venomous things on earth. I always had to keep my mouth shut, because there’s no sense arguing with pathological liars.
August 27th, 2009 at 2:53 am
The sewer thing just looked awful, but fortunately there was an explanation to all of this, so no aliens yet…
August 26th, 2009 at 9:06 pm
That ‘evil skeksis’ is actually an elder Mystic….the Skeksis were the freaky bird/reptile beings….just thought i’d point that out
August 26th, 2009 at 1:40 pm
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Great blog post. The thing in the sewer thing is crazy.
August 26th, 2009 at 1:35 pm
Free Microsoft Points, best tutorial out there. This is a crazy blog post, though. I hate the sewer thing.
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August 26th, 2009 at 9:58 am
watevr but really u care tht much about how i spell you on th intrnet 2 call me a “fucktard” u got issues man….. issues…
August 24th, 2009 at 7:18 pm
Now what mystery can I ponder on aimlessly?!? Thanks alot Robert and Cracked.com for now making me focus on solving this whole “ghost” mystery…..(Grabs Shaggy and hops into the Mystery Wagon)
August 24th, 2009 at 6:02 pm
That thing in the sewer is just sick.
August 24th, 2009 at 2:00 pm
@wilkieatw:
Sorry to disappoint, but a Chupacabra is supposed to be a short reptilian vampire thing that looks nowhere near a human. The translation ‘goat sucker’ is due to the Chupacabras nightly rampages in farmers fields, where goats have been slaughtered and drained of their blood. Sounds like coyotes to me…
Also, your spelling and grammar apall me. It takes 2 keystrokes in the word ‘you’ to not sound like a fucktard…
August 24th, 2009 at 7:28 am
the chupacabra thing u have clearly got the wrong idea
chupacabra translates goat sucker<<< i know it sounds weird
it is a half human half vampyre
the vidoe is nothing 2 do with dogs or coyetes or nuthin
August 20th, 2009 at 10:06 pm
A point to make about the bigfoot hoax. The guys pulling it off weren’t trying to get away with it without being busted. That’s why they wanted it checked by “Bigfoot experts” first before the DNA tests and so forth. They got the experts to fork over thousands of dollars for it, then cut and ran with the money. Stick it to the “paranormal experts.” I live in Georgia, and I remember when that happened. Hilarious.
August 20th, 2009 at 3:17 pm
Oh god that’s hilarious.
I love that last part “You can apparently go fuck yourself straight to Hell. And when you get there, tell the Devil Science sent you”.
Funniest part of the entire article. Love it.
August 20th, 2009 at 9:42 am
de - please STFU
August 19th, 2009 at 7:04 pm
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August 16th, 2009 at 12:46 pm
This truth is crazy, thanks for the info!
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August 14th, 2009 at 8:03 am
Forchrissakes, a group of WORMS with a seemingly collective consciousness??? Oh, yes it’s only REFLEXES that cause it to pulse and move like that. Well, next time someone is casually inspecting the sewer system and the worms “reflex” causes it to launch itself from the wall and onto the face of the victim, we’ll all feel justified in shitting in our pantaloons.
August 14th, 2009 at 1:20 am
Iraq soldiers + Spider
August 13th, 2009 at 10:10 am
just saw a show on #1, they said a partially decomposed boxer.
August 11th, 2009 at 10:43 am
Great article, Brockway!
P.S. Even conservatives make fun of Rush Limbaugh. Trust me.. mocking that sad, pathetic blowhard is not just a liberal thing.
August 11th, 2009 at 4:32 am
I wonder how the workers who filmed the Sewage Monster can sleep at nights.
August 11th, 2009 at 1:16 am
Top class, as usual.
August 10th, 2009 at 6:56 pm
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August 10th, 2009 at 3:20 pm
Oh! An attack against Rush! Yeah! You rock! Oh….Yes!….oh….mmmmmm…oh God….yes….oh GOD yes!!!…….
I just came all over my keyboard. Thanks!
August 10th, 2009 at 2:46 pm
Salacious Crumb!
August 10th, 2009 at 12:44 pm
i thought the sewer slime was the stuff from ghostbusters 2. thank god oscar won’t be harmed.
August 10th, 2009 at 11:39 am
[...] Source: Cracked [...]
August 10th, 2009 at 10:29 am
Interesting!
August 10th, 2009 at 10:27 am
So, less than .01% of this article was about how fat and pasty Rush Limbaugh is, and that’s the part that dominates the comments? If, to paraphrase Cavalier X, Cracked is incapable of producing an article that doesn’t rag on the political right, then why continue to support their website? More to the point, why frequent a comedy website when you don’t have a sense of humor?
Decent article Brockway. A little less “punch” then I like from you, but still good.
August 10th, 2009 at 7:55 am
I don’t think that pathetic bigfoot hoax fooled anyone at all - after all, it was their SECOND ATTEMPT at it. When you’ve already pulled that shit before it rather undermines your credibility.
August 10th, 2009 at 12:51 am
Nu-uh hammer, the head and neck of “loch ness” was actually a piece of really old wood. Due to decomposition, gas built up and it was propelled… aww shit I dunno. But it said so on the History Channel, so it MUST be right : )
August 10th, 2009 at 12:03 am
Damn… That’s amazing, man! Hard to believe anyone still think big foot exist.
August 9th, 2009 at 11:47 pm
You forgot about Dumplestiltskin! Oh wait…he’s real.
August 9th, 2009 at 8:57 pm
Free Microsoft Points best tutorial out there.
August 9th, 2009 at 8:01 am
you forgot one…..the famous picture of the loc ness monster with its head sticking out of the water. it turns out to be an elephant swimming and sticking his trunk out of the water for air.
August 9th, 2009 at 4:10 am
Yeah buddy, you hit that nail rioght on the head!
RT
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August 9th, 2009 at 12:30 am
Licker? Really?
Hahahahahahaha
I love you Brockway, way to go.
August 9th, 2009 at 12:26 am
that whale corpse looked just like a whale corpse. It didn’t look any different from any other bloody whale skeleton.
add the russian government to anything and suddenly someone says its a mysterious coverup.
August 8th, 2009 at 11:27 pm
BLAAAAARG, THE LIGHT BURNS!!!
My liberal-leftist-communist-zombie-pirate heart feels all warm and fuzzy after that little bit.
August 8th, 2009 at 10:18 pm
[...] The truth behind 5 “monsters” and why you were a fucking idiot to believe in them. [...]
August 8th, 2009 at 5:58 pm
I have a monster in my pants. It looks like Nessie but watch out! It will squirt sea foam in your eye!
August 8th, 2009 at 3:51 pm
The Chupacabras pictured above is nothing but a Mexican Type of Dog which is rare but widely known in mexico. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mexican_Hairless_Dog
August 8th, 2009 at 12:50 pm
FWIW, there used to be a cryptozoology show on…. umm….. Discovery Channel, I think, and one of their episodes were about Bigfoot. I forgot the show name– I think it was something like ‘Monsters,’ or maybe ‘Monster Hunters’? Wasn’t that great a show, actually, but it had some interesting tidbits.
One of the things they featured was video analysis of that famous clip of Bigfoot. Apparently they detected changes in the Bigfoot’s facial expression that were impossible (or otherwise extremely expensive and time-consuming) to fabricate with the technology of that time (c. 1970’s). I don’t take a lot of Bigfoot stories seriously, but I thought that part about the video was quite interesting.
The pictures from Georgia, though… totally fake.
August 8th, 2009 at 10:13 am
HUURRRR LIEK RUSH LIMBAUGH!!!! OLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOP SO FUNNY
August 8th, 2009 at 5:16 am
I applaud the “Dark Crystal” reference!
August 8th, 2009 at 3:00 am
Good old Cracked stuff. Here are more fun stuffs, Week’s Most Hilarious Videos 8/3 http://tv1.com/playlists/494
August 8th, 2009 at 1:37 am
“Obama is not the first black president. He’s the first Mulatto president. Sorry black community, he’s half n half. You’re closer, but not there yet.”
The average so-called African-American has about 20% Eurasian ancestry and there are fairly high levels of first nations ancestry in them too, higher than among the (more) white population. So very few people in the USA are really “black”, except for those American citizens either born in Africa or with completely African parents. Obama’s good enough for the African-American community. He’s also good enough for anybody, because race doesn’t, you know, actually exist genetically…
Obama is also a little different anyway. His father is African. That makes him part of or connected to the small group of US citizens who are recent, post-slavery immigrants from Africa - an affluent group of people, in general, unlike the African-American community. This group is often considered to be the second “model minority” - a patronising label, but basically true; more likely to go to university, to get a better job, or, well, become president. Add to that the fact that Obama had a European-American mother and we can pretty much conclude that he’s not exactly from the ghetto, not exactly African-American, but that it doesn’t fucking matter. He’s a human being, not a race.
As for the Rush Limbaugh bashing… great! If you stand up for a fat drug addicted schmuck like that, then you have problems. He talks about how the conservative movement is all about self reliance and good, old American values, but look at him! He can’t even follow his own fucking advice. He should lose some weight and stay away from legal highs if he doesn’t want to be seen as a hypocrite.
August 8th, 2009 at 12:09 am
Yay for the Dark Crystal!
August 7th, 2009 at 10:39 pm
As to item #1: A sewer monster and no CHUD reference? Seriously cracked, I’m highly disappointed in you…..
August 7th, 2009 at 10:10 pm
Or.. OR.. The last one could have been one of those monsters you see in Japanese tentacle rape..
August 7th, 2009 at 8:51 pm
I don’t care what science says, the second one is clearly the Hard- to-Destroy Reptile.
August 7th, 2009 at 8:28 pm
Ewwwwww tht racoon looks like someones cooked it, pulled out all its teeth, and then left it to drown. Poor racoon.
August 7th, 2009 at 8:22 pm
damn you science!
why do you have to crush all of my fantasies?, I am still going to believe in monsters and that sort of sh!t
dongtastic article by the way
August 7th, 2009 at 6:55 pm
Kris
Tell your parents that you want to move back to whatever crumbling dump you crawled out of in the first place. Don’t come here and piss your diaper in front of us, you weak little wonderbread bitch.
August 7th, 2009 at 6:50 pm
That hairless coyote could have won the ugliest dog competition. That is one ugly fucker.
August 7th, 2009 at 6:48 pm
# sir jorge Says:
August 7th, 2009 at 9:21 am
“everyone seems to be fooled by everything”
Fooled you, this is also an illusion.
August 7th, 2009 at 6:29 pm
That’s Mr. Salacious Crumb to you Motherfucker!
August 7th, 2009 at 6:25 pm
Wow. I would have never guessed that was a raccoon. I knew about the bigfoot scam though.
August 7th, 2009 at 4:51 pm
Seriously? Michelle Obama’s got fart-sniffer face
August 7th, 2009 at 4:47 pm
Read the item about the sewercam creature and your comparison to Limbaugh. Am delighted to report that I have discovered yet another creature, far more loathsome and fucked up that anything revealed here: YOU you moronic piece of shit!
August 7th, 2009 at 4:46 pm
Hey Brockway, nice article.Here’s some wonder for ya,”i wonder what brockway’s mom does with all the quarters?” oh, and some magic,”how does she fit in them pants?”
because my other comment wasn’t trollish enough, in retrospect.
August 7th, 2009 at 4:44 pm
All these fooled mainstream people, but anyone who looks into this stuff closer knew most of these were “knowns”, anyways, at least most the cryptozoologists weren’t fooled, and they saved me from being fooled too, when i read their websites. Butt, i never heard of moscow monster or worm colony before, so i cant say on them.btw, its called el chupacabras, the “s” isn’t meant to pluralize it.
August 7th, 2009 at 4:27 pm
That laughing asshole monster from Jabba’s palace is my favorite character in Star Wars.
August 7th, 2009 at 4:25 pm
I guess some folks are just so lacking in proper political discourse that they need to come to a comedy website, open an article about mistaken monsters, and use that as a platform to complain, bitch, whine and otherwise generally be douchebags.
Take the politics elsewhere dumbasses, I don’t come to Cracked to see nancy boys whine bitterly because their side got nudged. And I don’t bloody care what colour of skin any given world leader has. It. Doesn’t. Matter. Fucktard.
August 7th, 2009 at 4:11 pm
Obama isn’t white like me! RABBLE RABBLE RABBLE!!!!
August 7th, 2009 at 4:00 pm
Just because scientists have a name for tubifex worms, doesn’t mean they aren’t a monster. I swear I killed one in Diablo or some game like that.
August 7th, 2009 at 3:59 pm
THEY’RE CALLED BARNACLES NOT LICKERS AAAAAGH IM SO MAD ABOUT VIDEO GAMES
August 7th, 2009 at 3:43 pm
Kris said:
“I moved to Atlanta, Georgia a few months ago and I have to let everyone know- this state is full of f**king idiots. Avoid Georgia at all costs.”
You are right and 99% of them moved here…we now have one more thanks to you.
August 7th, 2009 at 3:21 pm
Obama is not the first black president. He’s the first Mulatto president. Sorry black community, he’s half n half. You’re closer, but not there yet.
August 7th, 2009 at 3:14 pm
Got no problem with people bitching about Rush. Just as long as no one gets their tampon strings in a not when we talk about President Oreo or is joker-looking wife.
Ah America…only place where you have freedom of speech as long as it is against the Right.
August 7th, 2009 at 3:11 pm
I knew as soon as I saw a pic of Rush Limbaugh that people were going to bitch about it. I was not disappointed. RABBLE RABBLE RABBLE RABBLE!!!!!!
August 7th, 2009 at 3:11 pm
A hairless, large headed, sub-breed of a coyote and that’s not enough to be considered the real Chupacabra? I think we’ve got an actual “bunking”, (as opposed to “de-bunking”) on our hands. Dude, of course it’s the real life Chupacabra! It certainly isn’t a fucking beluga whale or a decaying raccoon. Gibbets and Crows! Doubters!
August 7th, 2009 at 3:09 pm
Eric Robb Says:
August 7th, 2009 at 7:22 am
I dont think you de-bunked the Chupacabra. The bodies of hairless dog breeds that we dont fully understand have been turning up around bloodless livestock.
So instead of saying that it clearly doesnt exist, how about hairless dogs that drink blood ARE the Chupacabra?
……………………….
Are you insinuating that Michelle Obama is a Chupacabra?
August 7th, 2009 at 3:03 pm
Whale have fur last time I checked. It’s actually a requirement of being a mammal.
August 7th, 2009 at 3:01 pm
I am a butthurt Republican. There’s a black man in office. Waaah!
August 7th, 2009 at 2:56 pm
*sigh*
More political jokes….
soooooooooooooooooooo very tired.
August 7th, 2009 at 2:53 pm
lol @ the Ludacris lyric.
August 7th, 2009 at 2:43 pm
So one time I had to take a dump in a public bathroom, right? Just as I was about to leave the stall, I heard this creepy sound… “tap tap tap…. tap tap tap.” And it was coming closer… closer. I’d heard the stories; nightmarish visions of decaying liches hungry for mansex shot through my mind.
I realized too late I was standing behind the stall door like a moron, and he’d seen my shoes! The tapping… it wouldn’t move on. Rumors said these monsters took any small disagreement as an attack on the nation, so I wasn’t sure how to tell it I didn’t swing that way. I could end up with a powerful enemy. It was pants-shitting terror, except I’d just taken care of that.
Long story short, the closet gay Republican senator that stalks the bathrooms was just another myth. It was only Cavalier X needing his dose of butthurt.
August 7th, 2009 at 2:35 pm
Oh wow. Bashing America’s Greatest living Patriot, El Rushbo. Way to go Cracked.
Did anyone notice that the “Montauk Monster” looks suspiciously like Michelle “Eva Braun” Obama?
August 7th, 2009 at 2:33 pm
LOL at Rush Limbaugh comment. It fit in well!
…
Ever hear of Art Bell?
Why is everything politics with you guys?
August 7th, 2009 at 2:27 pm
the chupacabra thing is more commonly known as the “elmendorf beast”. its actually not a coyote at all. its probably some strange breed of dog, but whatever it is has teeth that are designed for a vegetarian diet. it cant even eat meat.
August 7th, 2009 at 2:16 pm
where is swaim?
August 7th, 2009 at 2:07 pm
The Real monster is this Axe commercial. It’s awful:
http://whowhatwherewheny.wordpress.com/2009/08/07/should-axe-ax-these-ads/
August 7th, 2009 at 1:58 pm
Godawful article.
August 7th, 2009 at 1:39 pm
Murdering my sense of wonder right before my eyes, huh? Now I guess I have to become…WONDERBATMAN to avenge my sense of wonder…
Also: How come no pig woman nursing her horrific babies that turned out to be an art sculpture?
August 7th, 2009 at 1:33 pm
ScooterJ Says:
August 7th, 2009 at 1:20 pm
@ CavalierX
An attack on conservatives need only be half-assed to work.
Well played, sir!
August 7th, 2009 at 1:28 pm
Awesome! I remember when the Montauk Monster thing happened, and I wondered what the hell it was, but never followed up on it. Thanks Cracked!
August 7th, 2009 at 1:20 pm
@ CavalierX
An attack on conservatives need only be half-assed to work.
August 7th, 2009 at 1:10 pm
Hecktermfour said:
“@S.S. Sicamous was dink supposed to be insult.”
Are you asking me or telling me? (See what I did there? With the question mark?)
“Fucktard, Stupid Inbred Hillbilly, or Slow Witted Fuckstick.” Fragment (consider revising)
So you would classify “dink” as being sub-par insult. Fair enough, how about “vaginal blood fart”? As in, “Hey Hecktermfour! You’re a vaginal blood fart!” Would that be A gamey enough for ya?
August 7th, 2009 at 1:03 pm
“What the fuck does making fun of Rush Limbaugh have to do with politics?”
If you mean what does it have to do with anything in the article, the answer is ‘not a damned thing.’ Apparently not a single Cracked article can be published anymore without a Left-wing spin of some kind, so someone probably sent the original article back to the author with a note saying ’sure, it’s kind of funny now, but it needs some kind of half-assed attack on Conservatives to make it TEH FUNNY.’
August 7th, 2009 at 1:03 pm
[...] List-based comedy site takes on: “The Truth Behind 5 ‘Real Monsters’ That fooled the Internet“. [...]
August 7th, 2009 at 12:54 pm
[...] Fake monsters that people believed [...]
August 7th, 2009 at 12:45 pm
I moved to Atlanta, Georgia a few months ago and I have to let everyone know- this state is full of f**king idiots. Avoid Georgia at all costs.
August 7th, 2009 at 12:39 pm
@S.S. Sicamous was dink supposed to be insult.
This is fucking Cracked if you are going to insult someone you need to bring you A game. Here are three suggestions all of which you can use in the future. Fucktard, Stupid Inbred Hillbilly, or Slow Witted Fuckstick. So that is about it fucktard.
August 7th, 2009 at 12:27 pm
“Pet Jerk Monster”
Love it
August 7th, 2009 at 11:40 am
You know, “Raleigh” sounds suspiciously like “R’lyeh.” Just a thought.
August 7th, 2009 at 11:24 am
Great article! You should follow that up with your personal theories on, as yet, unexplained ‘monsters’. Such as Ogopogo, the sea monster that lives in Okanagan Lake in British Columbia. I’d love to hear your take on what these could possibly be.
You dink
August 7th, 2009 at 11:21 am
Crazy things happen in Montauk… I’m still not 100% that’s a raccoon knowing what I’ve heard from various shady sources about that place.
August 7th, 2009 at 11:16 am
@Yup, that’s me
(”Oh why can’t cracked remain neutral as far as politics go? WHYYYY?”): What the fuck does making fun of Rush Limbaugh have to do with politics? He is not a politician. He is a fat blowhard “entertainer” and ratings whore.
August 7th, 2009 at 10:58 am
“Those two cops…huh. Well, at least we know that no one is in any danger of having evidence planted on them in their part of Georgia. At least, not very convincing evidence.”
I just imagined them planting coke on a suspect, only to later be told it’s flour, and they have their fingerprints on all the bags.
August 7th, 2009 at 10:42 am
“That picture is of a mystic, not a skeksis! Sure, they’re related fake species, but they aren’t the same dammit”
Um, dude, if you’d been paying attention, you’d have noticed that they referred to it as an Uru. If you’d payed attention to your beloved movie, you’d know that’s what the racial name of the mystics was.
I outnerd you.
August 7th, 2009 at 10:30 am
adhd…
fuck texas? Hell I don’t even like living here, but fuck you. lol
………………………
bishopwhitet
I havn’t even been to Houston and I’ll disagree that it’s the asshole of Texas. Any well populated Texas city, is still better off than so many small hick towns. Horror movies take place in towns like that for a reason.
………………………
“When pressed for proof, they released a photo of a beluga skull alongside the Moscow Monster skull, then slapped their hands spastically against their chests and sarcastically went “dduuurrrr it a monsterrrrr hur hur.””
love that.
August 7th, 2009 at 10:27 am
You are so Full Of Shit, thats right, I said that!.!
August 7th, 2009 at 10:20 am
The thing that makes the Cuero thing even more unbelievably stupid is that the coyote in the photograph is from the year before the video (which is obvious), when a local woman shot it and sent the head to Texas State University for identification. They conclusively proved it was a FUCKING COYOTE WITH MANGE.
Then the next year, the video of another FUCKING COYOTE WITH MANGE turned up.
At this point, the rest of us are pretty much laughing at them.
August 7th, 2009 at 10:13 am
What about the gnome? That video actually creeped me out a good bit:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q0fPoH2gWzc
August 7th, 2009 at 9:55 am
Those two cops…huh. Well, at least we know that no one is in any danger of having evidence planted on them in their part of Georgia. At least, not very convincing evidence.
August 7th, 2009 at 9:41 am
Fuck you adhd!
August 7th, 2009 at 9:21 am
everyone seems to be fooled by everything
August 7th, 2009 at 9:17 am
That is a chupacabra? You should see theMexican one then.
He is often described as some kind of white alien with red eyes, some kind of hair and uh, big fucking hands. Was all the rage back in ‘94
My parents actually reassured me it didin’t kill humans, it just killed cattle. Didn’t help at all, really.
August 7th, 2009 at 9:10 am
Also, I agree wholeheartedly with Berserkerette. That was a great line.
August 7th, 2009 at 9:10 am
The one thing I like about these “Monsters” when they were first shown… it made people wonder and think. Mystery, right in front of you. Something we didn’t know. Something new. Something we could think “What If”.
What I don’t like are the guys that come off “What, you didn’t instantly know what that really was?”
It takes all the fun out of the mystery.
August 7th, 2009 at 9:09 am
I lol’d. Also, I gagged, as I was finishing breakfast by the time I made it to your ‘worm coloney’. So thanks. You owe me cereal.
August 7th, 2009 at 9:09 am
COME ON PEOPLE THE CHUPACABRA IS OF PUERTO RICAN ORIGIN!
Yes, it’s been most “spotted” in Mexico, but it first originated in puerto rico. NOT MEXICO!
Other than that, good article, I enjoyed it.
August 7th, 2009 at 9:08 am
This article is about 10x better than your last few. I love it.
August 7th, 2009 at 9:06 am
adhd:
I’m pretty sure it showed up in Costa Rica first. (maybe Cuba)
August 7th, 2009 at 9:05 am
also fuck texas
August 7th, 2009 at 9:04 am
you fucks, elchupacabra isnt Mexican lol, its from South America, cmon man, research much
August 7th, 2009 at 9:04 am
Schneiderman:
A real life Scooby-Doo plot? The world really is a magical place.
August 7th, 2009 at 9:04 am
I have to call Shennanigans on the author and Oni. Any true Texan knows that Houston, not Cuero, is the “Official Asshole of Texas®”
August 7th, 2009 at 9:02 am
I thought the Chupacabra was supposed to be humanoid…
If anything this is the one ‘monster’ no one can collectively decide even vaguely what it looks like. Hell, even the Moth Man remains constant in appearance.
But nope, not the goat sucker. “Maybe it’s a dog thing? No wait, what if it was just a green scaly lizard midget with spines on it’s back? A monkey?”
August 7th, 2009 at 8:43 am
Oh why can’t cracked remain neutral as far as politics go? WHYYYY?
August 7th, 2009 at 8:28 am
@Katatak:
To quote Brokway “an uRru tragically felled by the sinister Skeksis.”
He never said it was a Skeksis. He said it was an uRru killed by a Skeksis.
August 7th, 2009 at 8:23 am
Its a barnacle, not a licker.
August 7th, 2009 at 8:19 am
“…then slapped their hands spastically against their chests and sarcastically went “dduuurrrr it a monsterrrrr hur hur.””
I laughed and laughed.
August 7th, 2009 at 8:14 am
The Real monster is this Axe commercial. It’s awful:
http://whowhatwherewheny.wordpress.com/2009/08/07/should-axe-ax-these-ads/
August 7th, 2009 at 8:12 am
That picture is of a mystic, not a skeksis! Sure, they’re related fake species, but they aren’t the same dammit… one is evil! (Loved the dark crystal growing up)
August 7th, 2009 at 8:11 am
Seriously now, people thought that was a Chupacabra? I know the beliefs of it are really strong around there, but the first thing I thought when I saw that was “Hey look, a dog!” Then I thought “Wow. Poor thing got it’s nose caught in a vacuum cleaner hose.” Actually, it kind of reminds me of an Egyptian jackal.
August 7th, 2009 at 7:51 am
I love how CRACKED juxtaposes pictures into the stories.
The one of Jabba’s pet monster made me smile.
August 7th, 2009 at 7:39 am
You missed quite a bit of the story for The Montauk Monster. The raccoons were artificially stripped of their skin and planted by some teens. They were arrested when someone found their stash of more raccoons. I had heard they did it to scare away tourists, I don’t know if that’s true.
August 7th, 2009 at 7:38 am
Maggie, it was hardly a “giant” pulsing glob of worms. That video was taken in a 6″ diameter pipe, making the whole worm colony like 2-3″. Stepping on them should pretty much clear it up.
Great article; though I’ve seen most of those before a couple were new to me. It always amazes me how people assume just because they haven’t personally seen something in nature before, that no one else has.
Cracked should do an article on the real species that have been discovered by science in the last decade or so. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mammals_discovered_in_the_2000s
Or new abilities found in existing species. Like that fucking moth that can jam sonar.
August 7th, 2009 at 7:33 am
i agree with eric robb, the hairless dog breed IS the chupacabra! it looks like it and acts like it, and im assumeing the origional myth of the chupacabra came from this species in the first place
the opening paragraph was the funniest ive seen in awhile
August 7th, 2009 at 7:30 am
#4 is totally SCP 682.
August 7th, 2009 at 7:23 am
Cryptozoology is fascinating, so thanks for this article! That having been said, the sewer worm colony beasts are the most terrifying and disgusting thing I’ve ever seen, and I’m not sure I’ll be able to sleep for a few weeks.
August 7th, 2009 at 7:22 am
I dont think you de-bunked the Chupacabra. The bodies of hairless dog breeds that we dont fully understand have been turning up around bloodless livestock.
So instead of saying that it clearly doesnt exist, how about hairless dogs that drink blood ARE the Chupacabra?
August 7th, 2009 at 7:19 am
Sorry, but that picture isnt of a Skeksis.
August 7th, 2009 at 6:47 am
Soo…..anyone wanna help me put some raccoon guts in this lassie costume?
We could make millions!
Don’t worry, science doesn’t exist.
August 7th, 2009 at 6:11 am
For the record, those two idiots from GA are STILL trying to cash in on their amazing capture of a live bigfoot suit. And this article barely does justice to the true depths of comic idiocy these two perpetuated alongside the Cryptozoology world’s biggest asshole, Tom Biscardi (yea, he was the not so silent partner). (I should also point out that across cryptozoology, everyone figured a hoax from the outset, but the ever present 24hr news media, desperate to fill air time, ignored all the glaring signs of the first major hoax of the 21st century…a hoax perpetuated in all the wrong ways. BTW, some moron actually paid these freaks a large sum of cash for the suit before discovering it was a fucking suit…..idiots and their monies….)
” “It’s like one of those Jap cars, right?” Offered one con-artist, before jamming his finger so far up his nose it caused a mild seizure.” - This sums them up beautifully!
August 7th, 2009 at 6:10 am
While there’ll always be a chupacabra (or whatever tribal monster gets imported into mainstream culture), but it’s sort of cool to see what some of them really are. Still, just because you know what it is doesn’t mean it’s not a monster. I’m sure nobody would complain if someone decided to slay the worms. It would make you the world’s crappiest monster-slayer, but hey.
August 7th, 2009 at 6:09 am
Funny article. It’s always (sadly) astounding to see how stupid/gullible we can be in spite of our position at the top of the Earth’s brain-ladder. I kind of feel stupid, too, because I spend a lot of time on the Internet, but hadn’t heard any of these stories before this article…
August 7th, 2009 at 6:00 am
Ok, hate to be a biology nerd here, but tubifex worms aren’t exactly bait! They’re not earthworms, they’re aquatic segmented worms and only about 2-3 cm long….and they’re disgusting…
August 7th, 2009 at 5:59 am
the animal in No. 3 is a Xoloitzcuintle, aka the Mexican Hairless Dog http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Xoloitzcuintle
August 7th, 2009 at 5:58 am
i live in Texas, near Cuero, and yes, Cuero is the asshole of Texas.
August 7th, 2009 at 5:56 am
Great article. I enjoyed the crap out of it.
August 7th, 2009 at 5:48 am
Explain to me how hairless Coyotes and Tubifex Worms AREN’T monsters?
Those things have to be worth at least a hundred or two experience points.
August 7th, 2009 at 5:42 am
Doooon’t stop Beeeeeelieving!
August 7th, 2009 at 5:34 am
Oh, Christ. I live in GA. How embarrassing…
August 7th, 2009 at 5:28 am
Ew, article has 40% more rotting corpses than usual.
August 7th, 2009 at 5:26 am
barnacle, not licker.
August 7th, 2009 at 5:09 am
Thank you Brockway for saving us from the fear of the unknown.
August 7th, 2009 at 5:03 am
Isn’t folling the internet rather like winning the special olympics?
August 7th, 2009 at 5:02 am
That’s not a beluga whale, that’s SCP-682. It’s a sad day when even respected internet comedy writers are made to join the conspiracy.
August 7th, 2009 at 4:56 am
My comment has a numerical value?!?!!!?!!11
August 7th, 2009 at 4:52 am
Great list! And you’re dead on about Cuero, which in addition to being the self-proclaimed Chupachabra capital of Texas, is also home to a robust turkey farming community. Indeed, the local high school mascot is “The Gobblers” and all the female athletes fight under the name “The Lady Gobblers”. Ass-end of Texas doesn’t begin to describe it.
August 7th, 2009 at 4:49 am
I don’t know why “giant pulsing glob of worms” is supposed to be not terrifying. I mean what the hell, man. It’s a squirming ball of squishy moving weird thing. And if you had a really big one, bits of it would fall off and squirm around your feet as it engulfed you.
I can’t think of a better argument for the widespread public distribution of flamethrowers.
August 7th, 2009 at 4:48 am
Did…did you just post an article not meant to scare the out of everyone…?
I’m….baffled.
Although, I am glad you cleared up the pulsating blob thing for me.
I have been having nightmares about those things.
August 7th, 2009 at 4:38 am
Lickers are from Resident evil. Barnacles are from Half Life. D:
August 7th, 2009 at 4:36 am
You guys should try a great place _____Milcupid com_____ . “”"”"”, a great place to meet hot sports chicks and cowboys online.. there are many handsome sports men and hot rich women. Some sports celebrities are hanging out there
August 7th, 2009 at 4:30 am
Excuse me, but Jabba’s “pet jerk-monster” is called Salacious Crumb. Duh.
August 7th, 2009 at 4:28 am
[...] – am ce vedea în după-amiaza asta. # adevărul din spatele pozelor a “5 creaturi adevărate” care defapt au păcălit interna… şi 15 chestii pe care nu le ştiai despre corpul tău. Filed under: Anti-Plictiseala, Diverse, [...]
August 7th, 2009 at 4:27 am
I WANT TO BELIEVE.
August 7th, 2009 at 4:11 am
nop, you arent
August 7th, 2009 at 4:10 am
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August 7th, 2009 at 4:06 am
first?
August 7th, 2009 at 4:01 am
top of the morning eh