Most people have already seen the following images in the ‘WTF’ sections of social bookmarking sites, in threads dedicated to badass pictures or just circulated through their inboxes by the “funny” boss. There is never an explanation for these pictures, because they seem to intrinsically defy explanation; they are just still moments in time of unbelievable scope, and epic badassery. It seems hard to imagine what brought about the extraordinary circumstances these images depict, and that’s the magic, really - letting your imagination run with these ridiculous situations. Well, I decided to do some research on what the actual explanations were behind these famous pictures…because I hate magic, and I want to ruin it for you forever. I drown witches, bitches.
This image has been circling the Net for a while now, and it’s not hard to see why: This guy is equal parts Shaft, Lex Luthor and Doctor Who. If anybody was going to possess superpowers, but still be cool about it, it’s Professor Badass. He looks like he controls both time and panties. He looks like a man who would, if you offended him, promptly knock you unconscious with a single blow. And when you awoke - terrified to find yourself stranded in the Cretaceous Period - you’d have to just watch in helpless awe as he pleasured your girlfriend on top of a Tyrannosaurus Rex.
Also, if you’ve only seen the poster, you missed these sweet-ass hot pink loafers.
The Truth:
That’s Kevin Stewart; fashion designer, style director for ESPN Magazine and co-owner of the Roger Charles New York design studio. So, the downside is that Professor Badass does little more than design pretty outfits for fancy boys. But the upside? This wasn’t even a photo shoot; that’s just how he rolls on an average day. Professor Badass? Shit, that’s just Tuesday for Kevin Stewart. Here’s how else he rolls:
Jesus! He looks like somebody cast Isaac Hayes as Roadblock in the G.I. Joe movie that Heaven would make. If this is what men’s fashion looks like now, count me right the fuck in. I would gladly stand in line for a runway show if the models were sporting a formal Tommy Hilfiger Sword and a puce Kenneth Cole Fusion Reaction Jetpack.
Hillbilly Tornado Man rivals the Mona Lisa for his subtle depiction of both intrigue and perplexity. What was Mona Lisa smiling about so enigmatically? Why is Hillbilly Tornado Man’s truck lodged 50 feet up a tree? Why does he look so satisfied about it? Was he caught in a twister? Did he literally ride the whirlwind? Did he just fucking drive it up there like an Appalachian Chitty Chitty Bang Bang? Did he throw it?! Nobody knew, all they knew was the man had a chest like a barrel of meat, he could not afford an entire shirt and his goddamn truck was in a goddamn tree.
The Truth:
That’s Mark Madson, and the truck behind him is actually a tree-house he built for his son, Luke, in the town of Beloit, Wisconsin. So, on the downside, the truck-in-tree was not the fantastic drunken feat of a modern day redneck Paul Bunyan, but actually just a pretty slick - if dangerously negligent - act of charity from a father to his son. None of that changes the fact that, when faced with creating a play space for his little boy, Mark Madson said “fuck you” to blueprints, cracked open a Coors Light, rammed a truck into a tree and called it a day. And it also doesn’t change the fact that, when the photographer came to do a photo shoot about it, Mark oiled up his chest-planks, threw on his formal vest and posed like he was the Captain Morgan of moonshine.
He sails the rocky seas of the Wisconsin plains, boarding minivans and plundering trucks of Natural Ice.
This image is often captioned with some variant of the words “shark juggling,” and the bizarre position of the shark coupled with the nonchalant stance of the man makes you believe it literally. This man must toss sharks about like oranges, you are forced to assume, presumably using his dense-as-a-collapsed-star testicles like ballast to keep him on the ocean floor. While other jugglers thought they looked brave with their precocious “fire” and adorable “chainsaws,” this guy not only opted to toss about a species notorious for its ferocity, but he picked the biggest one he could find, and did it in the animal’s own natural environment. He’s not just humiliating nature’s most tooth-egregious badass, but he’s doing it in its own fucking house, and right in front of its family.
The Truth:
That’s Michael Rutzen, a marine photographer and shark expert. And though he’s actually holding a real, live shark up there, it’s been rendered completely catatonic for the picture. Rutzen has long studied the physiology and behavior of sharks, and has learned to “trigger” sharks with certain types of touch. He’s already quite famous for this practice, which you can see him using in the picture below, where he looks like he’s reading the shark’s fortune.
“I predict you will find an exciting new love interest this week… then bite it and thrash around a bunch.”
And as for that “shark juggling” image? Well, on the downside, he’s used something called “tonic immobility” to pacify the shark. Essentially, sharks play possum when they’re turned upside down - a period that can last for up to 15 minutes. The shark he’s holding is basically paralyzed, and not just obeying the iron will of the ruthless Shark King. But, on the plus side, not only is that a Great White that he’s balancing, but if you consider the situation literally - then that is a picture of Mark Rutzen holding a shark that he just knocked unconscious with his bare fucking hands. Jesus, the only thing that could more completely depict his dominance over that shark would be if he made it go down on him while all of its friends watched. But while that image would accurately portray man’s mastery of nature, it would also be gross and sexually inapr-
A picture is worth a thousand words; it can tell you about the touching intersection of man and nature, about the sometimes odd companionship we find in life or about the loving relationship between a man and his dog. This image says none of those things. This is just black Mad Max and his Chain Hyena. They look like they roam the wastes, scavenging for what scarce little water remains in that desolate landscape, fending off marauding bands of Junk Raiders in their steam-powered Landships. Also, that rooster in the background probably has a gun or something.
The Truth:
That’s just Mallam Mantari Lamal, and his pet, Mainasara. They’re part of a group of “Hyena Guides,” who were rumored to be elite gangsters, shadowy assassins and brutal bank robbers in their home country of Nigeria. But that’s just the Nigerians making up their own shit in an effort to explain the mysterious appearance of a raggedy man strolling into town, walking a wild predator on a chain like it’s a poodle. But the Hyena Guides, in reality, are basically just gypsy showmen, traveling from town to town and putting on performances with their animals in order to hawk homemade crafts and medicines, or just to trade. In fact, not all of them even have hyenas.
This poor bastard, for instance, looks like he just realized he brought a monkey to a hyena fight. Seriously, with Nigerian Road Warrior up there to compare yourself to, what were you thinking, Monkey Dude? There’s no way you can look that epic with some stupid mon-
OH SHIT RUN FROM THE BLOOD MONKEY!
Man throwing a hatchet? Pretty cool, I guess. Maybe he’s at the lumberjack games, maybe he’s lazily chopping wood, hell, maybe he’s just disgusted by hand tools. Man throwing a hatchet…while in the air? Okay, now we’re talking. This is a man with a mission. You don’t leap into the goddamn air to hurl a hatchet if you’re just splitting kindling. Man throwing a hatchet, while in the air…and upside down?
This…this is serious shit, here. This can be nothing less than a super soldier! This was a deleted scene cut from Rambo for being too unbelievable. No, this is surely the climax of a Jackie Chan film, not reality. Reality just isn’t allowed to be this awesome. Nobody gets to wake up in the morning, kiss the kids and then get down to work at the Backflip and Hatchet Hurling Workshop for Aspiring Bad Motherfuckers. It’s just too impractical for this to be real military training.
The Truth:
Actually, that’s all… pretty accurate! That up there is just Spetznaz boot camp. The Spetznaz were an elite branch of the Soviet military, much like the U.S. Special Forces. One battalion was assigned to every army, and their existence was kept a closely guarded secret. They often wore no special insignia, both to keep from identifying themselves as primary targets, and also to really fuck with any enemy troops who might happen across what appears to be just another seemingly ordinary Russian grunt… who then promptly somersaults off into the woods to hurl flaming knives at them. These were entire battalions founded almost exclusively to look badass:
“What purpose does this serve, Yuri?” “It looks fucking sweet, Vladimir! What more reason do you need?!”
And, though you’d be right in arguing that a rad backflip won’t typically save you from a few well aimed bullets, just imagine the one time that it does! The soldier firing on Captain Axe Backflip is going to do serious damage to his troop’s morale when he gets back to base, and reports that the target got away…because apparently all Russian soldiers are half-lumberjack, half-ninja and entirely drunk. Sadly, the Spetznaz no longer exist in any form resembling the originals before the collapse of the USSR. So, while the fall of the Soviet Union may have helped spread democracy across the world, it also cost us the closest thing to a John McClane training camp the world has ever seen.
I am just naturally assuming that the roof above them is exploding.
Still, it’s nice to know that occasionally one of these badass Internet pics depicting something way too ridiculously cool to be real is, if anything, tastefully understated.
Thanks, communism!
This entry was posted on Tuesday, March 3rd, 2009 at 10:20 pm and is filed under Uncategorized, WTF, badass. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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November 20th, 2009 at 10:19 am
I have to say to everyone that is jumping all over Scott about his comment that he too is using freedom of speech and even though this site is funny it is frustrating that these things are so accessible to children. However you feel, remeber he has the right to freedom of speech, too.
November 15th, 2009 at 6:07 pm
Can you do another article like this but with the “I shall sing you the song of my people” picture? I’ve always wondered wtf was going on there. I deem it the funniest macro ever.
October 26th, 2009 at 4:06 pm
Awesomepat, thank you! I thought it was off when he said it was a great white.
…I feel rather nerdy now.
Anyhow, bloody brilliant article!
October 26th, 2009 at 12:10 pm
Still not sure how the FUCK truck tree guy got the fucking thing up there.
October 14th, 2009 at 2:18 pm
Dude, your commentry had me in stiches! I mean gold like:
“Did he just fucking drive it up there like an Appalachian Chitty Chitty Bang Bang?”
or
“you’d have to just watch in helpless awe as he pleasured your girlfriend on top of a Tyrannosaurus Rex.”
Love it!!! Great work sir!
September 16th, 2009 at 2:24 pm
Gheorghe Muersesan is rolling over in his grave right now.
August 31st, 2009 at 3:55 am
[...] the WTF and demotivational images that get forwarded around and posted online. Well, Cracked.com found explanations for a few of them, and the explanations are about as crazy as the pictures. var linkwithin_site_id = 39939; [...]
August 30th, 2009 at 12:18 pm
Another funny post.
I thank you sir.
August 24th, 2009 at 1:16 pm
I know i should’nt, but the inner geek in me has to point out he’s actually balancing(and being fellated by) a Blacktip reef shark. Not a great white, but the second picture is a great white, so he’s still amazingly macho.[Dream job..., juggling sharks that is]
August 15th, 2009 at 9:32 pm
http://www.michaelstevenson.com/contemporary/exhibitions/hugo/nigeria_9.htm
This is a MUCH sweeter picture of Abdullahi Mohammed with the same hyena, Mainasara. Makes the guy in the other picture look alike a joker.
August 12th, 2009 at 10:59 pm
“# Scott Says:
August 3rd, 2009 at 7:32 am
Where did they get the writer of this article? Is there a reason he cannot express himself without the over use of foul language. There are kids that can access this site and there are many others that would enjoy seeing the photos and reading the comments about them, if it were not for the use of the filthy language, not to mention taking the Lord’s name in vane.
What a putz!”
lol, want me to send you the links to a few other things your kids can access?
August 11th, 2009 at 9:28 pm
Scott! take a chill pill…
anyway…that monkey! he scares me…
August 11th, 2009 at 7:28 am
“Where did they get the writer of this article? Is there a reason he cannot express himself without the over use of foul language.<should be a ? not a .) There are kids that can access this site and there are many others that would enjoy seeing the photos and reading the comments about them, if it were not for the use of the filthy language, not to mention taking the Lord’s name in vane<its spelled vain)(also, this is a run-on sentence).
What a putz!”
You know what, Scott, some people are equally offended by your lack of proper grammar and inability to spell. It’s things like that I find outrageous. What were you doing for thirteen years while you were supposed to be learning this?
Also: fuck, bitch, damn, cock, piss, tit, ass, bastard, pussy. GET OVER IT!
August 9th, 2009 at 7:59 am
@captain cockjockey (Scott)
“There are kids that can access this site”
So what? Let them. The sooner they realize that foul language exists and learn to deal with it in a level-headed fashion the sooner they’ll become adults instead of anal-retentive bastards who whine like a dog with a broken leg every time they come across something slightly objectionable on a fucking public forum meant for the use of adults.
We live in an adult world and people shouldn’t have to compromise their freedom of speech or their style of writing to make that adult world inoffensive to children.
If you want to write about pictures you found on the internet in a clean family-friendly style that all the kids can enjoy start your own god-damn blog you cock-sucker (Oh excuse me, I may have just taken the Lord’s name in VAIN with an A I N).
August 7th, 2009 at 2:30 am
Easy there scotty… First off it’s called freedom of speech and expression. The writer can write what ever the fuck he wants. YOU have no damned say in it and if he want’s to write shit fuck cock balls titties ass anal sex or whatever he can. Deal with it… as for goddamnit… goddamnit… I used the lords name in vain twice… why cause I gives a damn, I don’t like religion and i don’t care. I’ll use his name in vain as many times as I want and not feel an ounce of remorse. Stop getting pissy over what an article says, if you don’t like it, dun read it… nuff said. Otherwise great comment (Incase you all thought I was gettin worked up i’m no
I’m simply saying as many curse words as I can to annoy Scotty boy there… “Scotty DOOONNN’T!”)
August 3rd, 2009 at 10:14 am
Yo-
I’m reading it && Im a kid. I read it ’cause it was on aol news which i check at least daily. I do not condon usage of ” foul language”. But I’ve got to say that this just made my day. It was freaking halarious =]
August 3rd, 2009 at 8:51 am
They’re called WTF pictures, why the hell would kids be reading about pictures who are described by a bad word Al? Dont blame the writer for parents who cant supervise their kids. I though, who ever it was, did a great job.
August 3rd, 2009 at 8:37 am
Come down Scottie, it’s just good writting skills. If the kids, as you say, enter this site and read how the author expresses his feeling into the pics in any such form he wants and the kids’ parents LET them be on these sites, then i think its fair to say that, no one gives a shit. Robert Brockway, you did an awesome job with this article.
August 3rd, 2009 at 8:35 am
The Author of this article is actually FUCKING great. 90% of the reason this article has any comical sense is his use of hilarious words.
August 3rd, 2009 at 7:32 am
Where did they get the writer of this article? Is there a reason he cannot express himself without the over use of foul language. There are kids that can access this site and there are many others that would enjoy seeing the photos and reading the comments about them, if it were not for the use of the filthy language, not to mention taking the Lord’s name in vane.
What a putz!
July 11th, 2009 at 6:36 pm
[...] sporting a formal Tommy Hilfiger Sword and a puce Kenneth Cole Fusion Reaction Jetpack. Source: http://www.cracked.com/blog/the-true…us-wtf-images/ __________________ Thanks to everyone who has made sigs for me Last edited by cdbob; [...]
July 11th, 2009 at 7:57 am
Uh-Oh.
We’re in trouble guys…..
http://tinypic.com/view.php?pic=2lqqdg&s=4
-W
July 9th, 2009 at 12:03 am
[...] “realidad y mito” sitio oficial la roux [...]
July 6th, 2009 at 5:47 pm
[...] Cracked. « Sobre [...]
July 5th, 2009 at 11:09 am
definitely Terrel Owens in that first pic
July 5th, 2009 at 3:43 am
[...] true stories behind 5 famous WTF [...]
June 26th, 2009 at 6:55 am
[...] The true stories behind five what the flip(?) photos at Cracked.com. [...]
June 22nd, 2009 at 7:14 am
[...] (and the dangers of supplementing one’s speech with numbers) * If you missed it, the strange-but-true stories behind 5 Famous WTF [...]
June 15th, 2009 at 2:50 pm
[...] har ni lite roligt http://www.cracked.com/blog/the-true-stories-behind-5-famous-wtf-images/ HAHAHA (0%)idiot (0%)tråkigt (0%)tänkvärt (0%)kul kul (0%)No [...]
June 12th, 2009 at 5:06 am
Jesus Christ, that picture of the shark blowing the guy was so unexpected. I literally shat myself laughing at it.
June 9th, 2009 at 11:09 am
Cool stuff! I’ve always actually wondered what was the deal behind Professor Badass.
June 2nd, 2009 at 12:31 pm
Awesome article. great wording and sense of humor!
June 2nd, 2009 at 3:06 am
classic! it still doesn’t change my feeling of wtf! haha
May 27th, 2009 at 2:28 pm
This is the funniest shit I’ve read in several YEARS!! Keep up the good work dude!!
May 3rd, 2009 at 8:52 am
Man that’s some good stuff. I actually have a friend that lives in the Wisconsin town with the truck treehouse. Gotta tell her to go check it out. Maybe she can get her own pic!
April 30th, 2009 at 9:51 pm
The most awesome article I’ve read since I started reading Cracked.
April 17th, 2009 at 5:23 am
ZALGO!! I think yer keyboard is broke, either that or he really is coming!
Captain Axe Backflip <- haahah
April 12th, 2009 at 9:32 am
̕҉̵̞̟̠̖̗̘̙̜̝̞̟̠͇̊̋̌̍̎̏̐̑̒̓̔̊̋̌̍̎̏̐̑̒̚̕̚҉Z ҉̵̞̟̠̖̗̘̙̜̝̞̟̠͇̊̋̌̍̎̏̐̑̒̓̔̊̋̌̍̎̏̐̑̒̚̕̚҉ ̌̍̎̏̐̑̒̓̔̊̋̌̍̎̏̐̑̒̓̔̿̿̿̚̕̕̚̕̚͡ ALGO ҉̵̞̟̠̖̗̘̙̜̝̞̟̠͇̊̋̌̍̎̏̐̑̒̓̔̊̋̌̍̎̏̐̑̒̚̕̚҉ ̌̍̎̏̐̑̒̓̔̊̋̌̍̎̏̐̑̒̓̔̿̿̿̚̕̕̚̕̚͡ ͡҉҉grows. ҉̵̞̟̠̖̗̘̙̜̝̞̟̠͇̊̋̌̍̎̏̐̑̒̓̔̊̋̌̍̎̏̐̑̒̓̔̿̿̿̕̚̕̚͡ ̒̓̔̕̚ZAL҉̵̞̟̠̖̗̘̙̜̝̞̟̠͇̊̋̌̍̎̏̐̑̒̓̔̊̋̌̍̎̏̐̑̒̓̔̿̿̿̕̚̕̚͡ ̒̓̔̕̚GO commeth.
T҉̵̞̟̠̖̗̘̙̜̝̞̟̠͇̊̋̌̍̎̏̐̑̒̓̔̊̋̌̍̎̏̐̑̒̓̔̿̿̿̕̚̕̚͡ ̒̓̔̕̚o invoke the h҉̵̞̟̠̖̗̘̙̜̝̞̟̠͇̊̋̌̍̎̏̐̑̒̓̔̊̋̌̍̎̏̐̑̒̓̔̿̿̿̕̚̕̚͡ ̒̓̔̕̚ive-mind re҉̵̞̟̠̖̗̘̙̜̝̞̟̠͇̊̋̌̍̎̏̐̑̒̓̔̊̋̌̍̎̏̐̑̒̓̔̿̿̿̕̚̕̚͡ ̒̓̔̕̚presenting chaos. Invoking҉̵̞̟̠̖̗̘̙̜̝̞̟̠͇̊̋̌̍̎̏̐̑̒̓̔̊̋̌̍̎̏̐̑̒̓̔̿̿̿̕̚̕̚͡ ̒̓̔̕̚ the feeling of ch҉̵̞̟̠̖̗̘̙̜̝̞̟̠͇̊̋̌̍̎̏̐̑̒̓̔̊̋̌̍̎̏̐̑̒̓̔̿̿̿̕̚̕̚͡ ̒̓̔̕̚aos. With out ҉̵̞̟̠̖̗̘̙̜̝̞̟̠͇̊̋̌̍̎̏̐̑̒̓̔̊̋̌̍̎̏̐̑̒̓̔̿̿̿̕̚̕̚͡ ̒̓̔̕̚order.҉̵̞̟̠̖̗̘̙̜̝̞̟̠͇̊̋̌̍̎̏̐̑̒̓̔̊̋̌̍̎̏̐̑̒̓̔̿̿̿̕̚ ̌̍̎̏̐̑̒̓̔̊̋̌̍̎̏̐̑̒̓̔̿̿̿̚̕̕̚̕̚͡ ͡҉҉ ̕̚͡ ̒̓̔̕̚ The Nezperd҉̵̞̟̠̖̗̘̙̜̝̞̟̠͇̊̋̌̍̎̏̐̑̒̓̔̊̋̌̍̎̏̐̑̒̓̔̿̿̿̕̚̕̚͡ ̒̓̔̕̚ian hive-mind of chaos. Zalgo. He w҉̵̞̟̠̖̗̘̙̜̝̞̟̠͇̊̋̌̍̎̏̐̑̒̓̔̊̋̌̍̎̏̐̑̒̓̔̿̿̿̕̚̕̚͡ ̒̓̔̕̚ho Waits Behind ҉̵̞̟̠̖̗̘̙̜̝̞̟̠͇̊̋̌̍̎̏̐̑̒̓̔̊̋̌̍̎̏̐̑̒̓̔̿̿̿̕̚̕̚͡ ̒̓̔̕̚The Wall. ҉̵̞̟̠̖̗̘̙̜̝̞̟̠͇̊̋̌̍̎̏̐̑̒̓̔̊̋̌̍̎̏̐̑̒̓̔̿̿̿̕̚̕̚͡ ̒̓̔̕̚ ҉̵̞̟̠̖̗̘̙̜̝̞̟̠͇̊̋̌̍̎̏̐̑̒̓̔̊̋̌̍̎̏̐̑̒̓̔̿̿̿̕̚̕̚ ͡ ̒̓̔̕̚,
H҉̵̞̟̠̖̗̘Ȅ̐̑̒̚̕̚ IS C̒̓̔̿̿̿̕̚̚̕̚̕̚̕̚̕̚̕̚OMI҉̵̞̟̠̖̗̘NG > ͡҉҉ ̵̡̢̛̗̘̙̜̝̞̟̠͇̊̋̌̍̎̏̿̿̿̚ ҉ ҉҉̡̢̡̢̛̛̖̗̘̙̜̝̞̟̠̖̗̘̙̜̝̞̟̠̊̋̌̍̎̏̐̑̒̓̔̊̋̌̍̎̏̐̑ ͡҉҉
April 9th, 2009 at 3:36 pm
[...] The True Stories Behind 5 Famous WTF Images Most people have already seen the following images in the ‘WTF’ sections of social bookmarking sites, in threads dedicated to badass pictures or just circulated through their inboxes by the “funny” boss. There is never an explanation for these pictures, because they seem to intrinsically defy explanation; they are just still moments in time of unbelievable scope, and epic badassery. It seems hard to imagine what brought about the extraordinary circumstances these images depict, and that’s the magic, really - letting your imagination run with these ridiculous situations. Well, I decided to do some research on what the actual explanations were behind these famous pictures…because I hate magic, and I want to ruin it for you forever. I drown witches, bitches. [via Cracked.com] [...]
April 6th, 2009 at 2:33 am
All we need to do is combine THEORETICAL communism with capitolism or democracy (or something) and then we will have supersoldiers who don’t have 50% higher rate of warcrimes and come from a country which is in the process of wondering where it all went wrong. ahh, the possibilities… but could they beat chuck norris?
exactly
April 1st, 2009 at 6:03 am
[...] Murley that dude professor badarse, turned out to actually be new york fashion designer Kevin Stewart. The True Stories Behind 5 Famous WTF Images | Cracked.com [...]
March 30th, 2009 at 8:37 am
If only we were communists…Then we’d have super solidiers too! They should really use that to promote themselves.
March 26th, 2009 at 7:09 am
[...] Cracked (which claims to be America’s Only Humor & Video Site, since 1958 - I’m betting they didn’t have many online visitors back then. I digress), has found out the stories behind some photos that have been doing the rounds on the social networking sites. Check out how a diver was able to juggle a shark, how a hillbilly got his truck stuck high up in a tree and the story behind professor badass, a cool 3-pieced-suited dude in pink sneakers. See them and get the back-story here. Share and Enjoy: [...]
March 23rd, 2009 at 6:05 am
Thanks for sharing such amazing stories.
March 22nd, 2009 at 9:37 pm
LOL!
the shit you wrote was hillarious
March 18th, 2009 at 2:19 am
[...] Fünf WTF-Bilder entzaubert (weird) [...]
March 17th, 2009 at 10:45 pm
i literally laughed so hard it brought tears to my eyes the entire time i was reading this article. amazing.
March 16th, 2009 at 10:32 am
Wow great work finding out all the true stories behind these pictures. Watch out for flying lumberjacks!!
March 15th, 2009 at 8:03 pm
“Mark Madson said “fuck you” to blueprints, cracked open a Coors Light, rammed a truck into a tree and called it a day.”
LOOOL!!
“…oiled up his chest-planks, threw on his formal vest and posed like he was the Captain Morgan of moonshine.”
LOOL!
Just awesome.
March 15th, 2009 at 7:59 pm
good shit dogg good shit
March 15th, 2009 at 6:58 pm
Definitely one of the most hilarious articles I’ve ever read on cracked.com.
March 15th, 2009 at 6:20 pm
Holy shit, this is the best post I’ve ever read. Kudos!
March 15th, 2009 at 12:12 pm
You are my new “God of the Week”. Wear it proudly.
March 15th, 2009 at 12:17 am
Ho. Lee. Crap. I think you broke me deep in my squishy brain tissue, I laughed so goddamn hard.
March 13th, 2009 at 6:47 pm
I must agree about the army men, I too assume the roof above them is exploding, lol. Anyway, nice pictures, I loved them and my friends thought they were funny to, and while I know that I will probably never find this site again, for the main fact of I stumbled upon it, If I do Im eager to see what else you have.
-Good Day.
March 13th, 2009 at 2:43 pm
I don’t read comments, but the article was great
March 13th, 2009 at 7:56 am
Nevermind i was confused about what the text said.
March 13th, 2009 at 7:55 am
Thats not a Great White in the first shark pic
March 12th, 2009 at 6:00 pm
SICK!!!!
March 12th, 2009 at 3:21 pm
>>But while that image would accurately portray man’s mastery of nature, it would also be gross and sexually inapr-
This quote, and accompanying picture, made me laugh so hard…
March 12th, 2009 at 10:45 am
I adore this! Wonderful post. Had me laughing hysterically. I showed it to the whole office.
The hyena man was my favorite. Its really a very cool picture.
March 12th, 2009 at 4:38 am
I can kick PROFESSOR BAD Ass’s - ASS ANY TIME OF THE DAY
He is a TOTAL PUNK looking idiot and need’s an ass whipping.
He IS A PUNK
PS: WHY CANT I UPLOAD MY PICTURE
Sgt. Bear
Special Forces - Retired
4449th Combat Squad
1971-1975
March 12th, 2009 at 12:29 am
[...] lor poate nu e aşa îndepărtată de adevăr, totuşi, nu e cu ce ai rămas din fotografie. Aici e linkul. Taguri: adevar, arta, fotografie, reportaj Altele, posibil asemănătoare: - Pentru [...]
March 11th, 2009 at 4:21 pm
Just so impressed with your sense of accurately describing, in a completely & ridiculously hysterical menner, each of these completely bizarre pics! GREAT WORK! LOVE it!
March 11th, 2009 at 4:04 pm
LMFAO!
March 11th, 2009 at 11:10 am
Hi!
March 11th, 2009 at 7:14 am
Loved this articled. I laughed so loud my boss though someone was dying from the tears in my eyes when I got done reading this.
March 11th, 2009 at 5:17 am
beautifully written
March 10th, 2009 at 10:26 pm
Hands down, that was the funniest thing I’ve read in a long while. Thank you good sir, and bravo.
March 10th, 2009 at 10:19 pm
If I’m not mistaken, that is Terrell Owens in the background of the Professor Badass pic.
March 10th, 2009 at 4:27 pm
“He looks like he controls both time and panties.” That has to be the funniest quote on the planet and I promise to plagiarize it.
March 10th, 2009 at 3:29 pm
Nice, I laughed so hard reading through that! Most of the pics I’ve seen floating around, had never seen the Spetznaz pics though…awesome stuff
Loved the caption for the dog in the fire-hoop!
March 10th, 2009 at 1:18 pm
lol! that’s how images can be treated! thanks for the post and for revealing the truth!!
March 10th, 2009 at 7:12 am
Now we know! Chuck Norris is still the ultimate badass for me!
March 10th, 2009 at 7:08 am
Dude, this is some sharp writing, well done and bookmarked.
March 10th, 2009 at 4:51 am
haha, truth stories are ftw
March 10th, 2009 at 1:24 am
Thanks for the Diane Arbus and the Afrikaans tips on the weird looking twins, guys.
March 10th, 2009 at 12:32 am
ok the shark guy isn’t balancing a great white. That is some sort of reef shark. if you wanna see the guy doing something really cool go here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C6trY0RdVEU&feature=related
March 9th, 2009 at 8:02 pm
Thanks for the laughs! Great lines — rooster and gun …monkey to a hyena fight…
Haven’t read anything as funny in quite a while!
I look forward to more!
March 9th, 2009 at 8:00 pm
I’ve seen the car in a tree before but thought it was photoshopped. Interesting to hear the real deal.
March 9th, 2009 at 3:06 pm
Awesome article! The pics are great and your writing is hilarious! Loved it!
March 9th, 2009 at 1:52 pm
Friggin’ awesome!
March 9th, 2009 at 12:42 pm
oh snap, that is Terrell Owens in the background, it probably is him, especially if they are walking some studio for ESPN. bye bye, TO have fun in North Americas Team…lol. good riddance, you selfish prick.
March 9th, 2009 at 10:44 am
PROFESSOR BADASS: look in the photo, on the left side in the white shirt, Terrel Owens???? it looks too much like him to be anyone else.
March 9th, 2009 at 9:41 am
[...] Stories Behind The Images - You’ve seen he pictures, now get the story. [...]
March 9th, 2009 at 7:45 am
Your writing style is very entertaining.
:).
I hadn’t seen # 2, 3 and 5.
March 9th, 2009 at 2:30 am
Specnaz still exists, but its more like this, Each army navy and airforce unit has them attached they and some paratropper units are almost entirly specnaz.
A good example is the now disfunct 77th ukrainian paratroppers.
Wont name any one but I know this guy can shoot any american weapon at 500 yards with no less then 95% accuracy (Think 50 cal/249 SAW)
NO they dont throw axes of fire, they are best with knives, ANY knife will do.
Secret in finding out if you neighbor is EX specnaz or real specnaz is to pull a knife out on him/her…You will notice him her grabing the blade part of the knife and taking it away from you…
Specnaz are always on call and will usualy deploy behind enemy lines via parachutes.
Imagine heavy losses and demoralization of an entire army in the first weeks of a WAR.. thats their main objective was and always will be.
ZTY that afghan war started after 6 paratroopers where dropped down into their presidential palace and killed over 200 of Muslim best guards leaving only the president alive, all 6 reported as survivors.
War ended with the defeat of the Americans in IRAQ
March 8th, 2009 at 8:08 pm
Yep, that’s a Blacktip Reef Shark alright.
BUT STILL COMPLETELY BADASS.
March 7th, 2009 at 9:39 pm
DAMN!
i love professor badass when i first saw that pic it totally mad my week!
March 7th, 2009 at 8:42 pm
An appropriate Whiskey-Tango-Foxtrot photo is san fran nan and leaving las vegas harry reid. doing anything but mostly nothing. Another is the “one” saving us from capitalism.
Those folks are What The Fuck photos/moments.
The saying has been in the Armed Forces longer than most of you have been around.
March 7th, 2009 at 4:54 pm
Hey robby, why don’t you shut your fucking mouth, you ignorant twat?
These pictures are MOST DEFINITELY circulating the web. I have seen all but one of them. Most of them; through stumbleupon.
Just because you haven’t fucking seen it doesn’t mean no one else has, you shit.
Fuck, I hope the all the people in those pictures come and do something indescribably horrible to you.
March 7th, 2009 at 3:45 pm
SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKS
March 7th, 2009 at 3:43 pm
thats a load of bull shit barely any1s seen these pics they aint circulating the web.
March 7th, 2009 at 1:10 pm
[...] something entirely different. The true stories behind 5 famous WTF? [...]
March 7th, 2009 at 12:54 am
HI
March 7th, 2009 at 12:27 am
Well done… now try this one. And may God be with you.
http://img528.imageshack.us/img528/4599/98399856pu6.jpg
March 6th, 2009 at 9:31 pm
[...] funniest thing I read all week In blather on March 6, 2009 at 10:31 pm Was this piece from Cracked.com. I was literally in tears during lunch [...]
March 6th, 2009 at 4:27 pm
[...] noticias ( mi amigo traduce mejor esto que yo ) Aqui les dejo el link y luego pondre a los demas The True Stories Behind 5 Famous WTF Images | Cracked.com [...]
March 6th, 2009 at 2:11 pm
[...] them out here. I hadn’t seen most of these, which is surprising. Test your own internet acumen [...]
March 6th, 2009 at 11:18 am
Those pink shoes on Professor Badass? They’re not loafers. They’re wingtips. Pink loafers are gay. Not good gay; bad gay. Straight gay. Lame.
Pink wingtips, though. Pink wingtips are fucking balls-out badass.
Make a note of it.
March 6th, 2009 at 10:50 am
That Hyena Man has been the number one Google search on my website for the last year!
However, because of my title on that post, I get hits from folks searching for pit-bull/hyena hybrids. Brrrr! Now that’s scary.
March 6th, 2009 at 10:32 am
[...] THE TRUE STORIES BEHIND 5 famous WTF? pictures. [...]
March 6th, 2009 at 9:44 am
[...] March 3rd, 2009 By: Robert Brockway http://www.cracked.com/blog/the-true-stories-behind-5-famous-wtf-images/ [...]
March 6th, 2009 at 9:16 am
anyone notice the socccer field behind the backflip hatchet throw? even more WTF after all that explaining!!!
March 6th, 2009 at 8:37 am
I love how prof badass has a wife and twin daughters!
Cause real men have twins.
March 6th, 2009 at 8:05 am
Chick wearin the Obama shirt got some BIG OL’ TITTIES!!! SON!!!!!!
March 6th, 2009 at 3:53 am
I love you man.
You have unintentionally created a phrase that could be applied as a caption to any goddamn picture ever. I’m talking, of course, about “I drown witches, bitches”. It’s perfect. like a piece of pie.
You can actually take every image you’ve shown here and add the caption in flaming letters (hmm… maybe that would be better with “I burn witches, bitches”).
I think I’m gonna go ahead and do it if you don’t mind. I’ll try to see how many images can fit that caption. Or if it will work on the craption contest…
March 6th, 2009 at 2:57 am
It looks to me like the last one wasn’t a backflip - a front flip instead, started with the back to the target? Either way, still fucking cool.
March 6th, 2009 at 12:44 am
—–Uniformedmate.com—– ? It is really a funny and interesting place to date attractive girls or hot guys. Many hottie videos and photos at this site, you can enjoy latest interesting videos or talk about hot topic with other friends. I’ve met many thoughtful singles who were trying to find true love.
March 5th, 2009 at 9:55 pm
lol i was wondering why T.O. was behind lex luther/shaft guy, but it makes sense that hes the espn style guy.
March 5th, 2009 at 9:14 pm
Adam, the guys in this picture that you were wondering about:
http://www.grimmemennesker.dk/data/media/3/ugly-men.jpg
Those dudes. Those guys were brothers in South Africa. They were Afrikaaners, white Dutch colonists who helped build the White South African empire up until it collapsed in the 80’s sometime. Anyway, because they loved being white so much and didn’t want any of that dark pigment from marrying and having kids with, well you know, the natives, they would just isolate themselves out in the African bush on big farms and interbreed with each other in very small communities.
Like so small that there wasn’t enough genetic variation so that severe genetic disorders, normally recessive and tucked away in genetic code, wound up in the offspring because both parents had it.
I love the thought of all those jug-eared inbred idiotic-looking mutants looking out at the normal-looking-but-black-skinned-natives and thinking themselves superior. I’m sure some greater irony exists, but I will not find it today.
March 5th, 2009 at 8:33 pm
Look at that, even the Spetznaz’s dog look fierce and ready to devour a man’s testicles while barking USSR’s national anthem.
March 5th, 2009 at 7:35 pm
Wow. Hyena man looks like he just killed zeus with that stick!
March 5th, 2009 at 5:37 pm
If they all combined forces they would be the greatest crime fighting team of all time.
March 5th, 2009 at 5:19 pm
[...] The True Stories Behind 5 Famous WTF Images [...]
March 5th, 2009 at 2:55 pm
This is a great news!! so, for celebration, I want to recommend you lonely guys who hate lonely nights a great online club to meet your activity partner, romance and lover, either for heat or passion: ____Talllmingle.com_____ the most popular place for hot modelss, handsome men meet and mingle! u might be surprise what u end up with!!LOL
March 5th, 2009 at 2:22 pm
rj. You are the moron who needs to get a life! Didn’t your parents teach you that if you didn’t have anything nice to say, then don’t say nothing at all? Do unto others? Any of this ring a bell? Wow, so Helloena didn’t spell a word correctly…This site is a great place to make users smile and enjoy themselves. Something you obviously need work on. I suggest you take your negative attitude somewhere else. Try ‘loser.com’, or is that ‘looser.com?….
March 5th, 2009 at 1:59 pm
that was awesome, thanks for the good read
March 5th, 2009 at 12:37 pm
@Adam,
That looks almost like a Diane Arbus photo, but not sure. You might want to check on some of her stuff and see if it is.
March 5th, 2009 at 12:27 pm
You folks need a life. All of you.
And Helloena it’s supposed to be lose, not loose, moron.
Loose means something is not tight, much like your grammar, lose means you are going to get rid of something.
March 5th, 2009 at 11:43 am
In regards to the Flying Hillbilly Truck Story; there’s no chance a guy from Beloit, Wisconsin would be caught dead with a Coors in his hand.
That’s strictly Miller Country up there.
March 5th, 2009 at 11:31 am
[...] • True Stories Behind 5 Famous WTF Images [...]
March 5th, 2009 at 11:23 am
This post was awesome, it made me LOL and I loved the pix. Professor Badass made me want to go back into that whole vicious superficial bitch-con meaningless world of high fashion (for 1/2 a second). I also learned that Terrell Fabarell whatever (too lazy to look back up there) is some kind of football player. I FEAR hyenas but this one actually looks cute with his little basket-weave muzzle. But it was the redneck treehouse that made me spit my coffee. God, I needed to see this after watching that Chinese Fur Farm video - thanks for keeping me from going “batshit insane,” as yall at Cracked love saying.
March 5th, 2009 at 9:00 am
[...] to uncover the inevitably disappointing story behind a strange image. Today’s listicle of The True Stories Behind 5 WTF Images come sour way via Cracked. We especially like the story behind the image at right, which preserves [...]
March 5th, 2009 at 7:07 am
The spetznaz do still exist. I worked with them in Iraq in 2007. And they are total bad asses. they also love to drink and do it damn near all the time. the guys are unstoppable. To give you something to compare it to, they are well above the standards of the NAVY SEALS. there just such a small force that they arent that detrimental to the war effort as a whole.
March 5th, 2009 at 6:29 am
March 5th, 2009 at 4:48 am
“a) why do fashion designers walk around like hobos?”
The question should be:
“Why don’t hobos design clothes”
Also, that look could loose the tacky bling, but those shoes are what pull it all together.
And those hyena guides are, like most gypsy-carnies I guess, small crooks and are not above using their animals to illustrate how a certain village might need “protection”.
March 5th, 2009 at 4:19 am
Why in fuck’s name does it matter what kinda shark is in that picture? Any kind of shark at all, even the teeny-weeny-baby shark, will make 99.9% of tourists shit their swim trunks and run screaming for Roy Scheider. Go back to the Discovery Channel, Schmucktastic Sams, and quit trying to jizz on our happy with your oh-so-superior understanding of everything that happens in the Mythbuster’s backyard while never being able to actually grasp the small concept referred to as “humor”. Brockaway, how do you stand these assholes?
Btw, RB, you kick ass and your writing is much funnier than anything on the Discovery Channel.
March 5th, 2009 at 3:29 am
Excellent post! Loved learning about Prof. badass
March 5th, 2009 at 2:49 am
I thought Wisconsinites just drank, period.
Occasionally, you stop and go outside to look at some snow, then you drink.
March 5th, 2009 at 2:04 am
[...] The True Stories Behind 5 Famous WTF Images - “Most people have already seen the following images in the ‘WTF’ sections of social bookmarking sites, in threads dedicated to badass pictures or just circulated through their inboxes by the “funny” boss. There is never an explanation for these pictures, because they seem to intrinsically defy explanation…” [...]
March 5th, 2009 at 1:15 am
I’d still like to know the story behind this pic and who these guys are: http://www.grimmemennesker.dk/data/media/3/ugly-men.jpg
March 5th, 2009 at 12:56 am
I’m sorry but the spetsnaz picture reeks of Soviet propaganda.
March 5th, 2009 at 12:21 am
While the extent of these ramblings are euphoric in the least, the top is never conquered by the ideological strata of typecasting.
March 5th, 2009 at 12:07 am
a) why do fashion designers walk around like hobos?
b) if the Russians decide to start a war, everyone is fucked. I don’t think their country has to worry about little faggot things like public opinion, fair trials or hippies. I reckon the creators of the atomic bomb had this in mind when they built the fuckers.
March 4th, 2009 at 11:57 pm
I propose a battle royale, my money’s on the shark juggler
March 4th, 2009 at 11:23 pm
Psht, a Wisconsin pirate wouldn’t be plundering trucks of natty ice. Milwaukee’s Best ftw…
March 4th, 2009 at 11:04 pm
You mention Wisconsin then go ahead and assume we drink Coors Light and Natty Ice? Are you fucking out of your mind? Christ, I’ve been drinking Miller products since birth. When you had breast milk, I was sippin on High Life. The only way you could’ve insulted us Wisconsinites more is if you talked about Budweiser. Fuck.
March 4th, 2009 at 9:49 pm
I’m a little disappointed that the shark master wasn’t mounting the shark from behind in a humping position. But otherwise, great.
March 4th, 2009 at 9:13 pm
Proffessor Badass FTMFW LOL that was seriously awesome =)
March 4th, 2009 at 9:07 pm
Terrell Owens is in the background of Prof. Badass.
March 4th, 2009 at 8:36 pm
“This poor bastard, for instance, looks like he just realized he brought a monkey to a hyena fight.”
That one of the funniest comedic lines i have EVER heard…i applaud your genius kind sir….
March 4th, 2009 at 7:57 pm
[...] Check out the rest at Cracked. [...]
March 4th, 2009 at 7:24 pm
Dude, Jackie Chan is great in his own respect, but the hatchet thing’s gotta be fucking Bruce Lee. Man can’t be beat.
March 4th, 2009 at 7:16 pm
fabulous article!! one of the few times i’ve lol’d!!!
March 4th, 2009 at 6:44 pm
That baboon is probably the baddest ass of all. Those monkeys will fuck up your shit on the slightest whim.
March 4th, 2009 at 6:39 pm
Ha ha ha , and the “rooster in the background probably has a gun or something.” Now, that’s some funny stuff. Funny stuff indeed!
March 4th, 2009 at 6:37 pm
So is professor badass a fag?
March 4th, 2009 at 5:46 pm
An interesting side note, I used to live in Delevan, Wisconsin and live very close to Mark Madson, if you want to know a little bit more about him, he goes by the nickname “Pigpen” and he owns a strip club.
March 4th, 2009 at 5:26 pm
I want all of these guys (minus the hick in #4) to meet and take over the world using sheer badassery. Everyone in the world would have pet hyenas that could throw hachets upside down, and people would be knocking out sharks and dressing like pimps. That’s the fucking perfect world John Lennon was talking about.
March 4th, 2009 at 4:53 pm
Now I’m wondering how the Hell they lost the Cold War . . . then again, I’m sure there are U.S. equivalents.
March 4th, 2009 at 4:52 pm
Professor Badass? More like Professor Gayass.
March 4th, 2009 at 4:39 pm
when i saw the picture of professor badass, i JIZZED, IN MY PANTS. from all the awesomeness
March 4th, 2009 at 4:29 pm
Professor Badass needs his own comic book! Cleaning up the streets and tapping co-ed ass!
March 4th, 2009 at 4:22 pm
you’re welcome
March 4th, 2009 at 4:07 pm
[...] The True Stories Behind 5 Famous WTF Images | Cracked.com This is really damn funny. [...]
March 4th, 2009 at 4:06 pm
This was an awesome post. You should definitely do more of these!
March 4th, 2009 at 3:56 pm
You know whats crazy? In the professor badass pic, Terrell Owens is to the right of him and you don’t notice because of the greatness.
March 4th, 2009 at 3:27 pm
i hadnt refreshed the page i quite a while before i made my post so thanks Juan for answering that
March 4th, 2009 at 3:26 pm
hey, he’s not holding a great white. It appears to be a juvenile tiger shark.
March 4th, 2009 at 3:25 pm
am i the only one who thinks the dude in the background of the #5 wearing the white shirt is Terrell Owens?
may not be, but looks alot like him to me
and great article BTW
March 4th, 2009 at 3:12 pm
Hahah one of the best posts by far. And yes that is Terrell Owens in the background of #5
March 4th, 2009 at 3:04 pm
what can i say? i laughed…i cried…i want….to be these guys. Period. They’re all badass and you all know it
March 4th, 2009 at 2:57 pm
The Spetznaz picture makes mee proud to say I’m Russia, but then again anything does, lol
March 4th, 2009 at 2:49 pm
Hmm, don’t remember his first article, but I genuinely enjoyed this one. As for Brockway copying others, last time I checked, you had failed to write any articles yourself Mr. Right. If you wish to rectify this issue, feel free to write an article for Cracked.com, as they had that very offer up on here no more than circa 2 weeks ago. Good luck, and I look forward to reading your new article (so I can then diss it and shove in a dick joke [get it, shove in? Hah! I'm so funny....])!
March 4th, 2009 at 2:37 pm
You know I gotta say I feel bad for Mr. Brockway. I look forward to his article every week, and when I read it it usually turns out to be hillarious and a joy to read.
Yet when I glance down at the comments section all I see are people bitching and moaning about his writing or his topics or something to do with some other writer on the site (I can’t remember the specific guy people were focusing on. Must not have been that great huh?)
I just gotta say people, give this guy a fucking break. His stuff is quality, and you know what? Even if it wasn’t, he’s the one getting paid the write it, not you.
He’s the one with an editor that more than likely previews his material before each posting, shoots a massive wad in his pants, and then says (lighting up the after-reading-cigarette) “Robert that was the best goddamn thing I have ever read. Excuse me, I need to change my jockeys.”
If you don’t like Brockway’s work (and you should have figured out whether or not you do by now, he’s given you enough to go by), how about STOP READING IT!!! Furthermore, stop you’re useless bitching about how much you don’t like it.
It doesn’t do any good. It doesn’t change anything. He’s still here. He’s going to stay. He’s going to keep writing these fantastic articles. Chances are, you’re still going to be a tasteless jackass with a horrible sense of humor and even worse people skills. Get over it.
**NOTE: I understand that this wont actually happen because the internet serves mostly as a voice to those who have nobody to converse with in their real lives, so they must resort to bitching anonymously on the web. It makes you super cool and relevant guys. Bet it gets you ton of ass too. I for one, am jealous.**
March 4th, 2009 at 2:36 pm
Russian Spetnaz is still in top shape, the Spetnaz GRU is consitered to be one of the best Special Forces in the world dew to there extreme training requirements ….oh and they have ultrasonic stun guns http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xghVvuIh4VE
March 4th, 2009 at 2:34 pm
god damnit, the shark juggler isn’t holding a god damn great white shark in that picture! in his second picture there is a great white but in the famous picture that is no great white. it would have been a great article, but JUST because of that mistake, it…….aw fuck this was still awesome. nice job.
March 4th, 2009 at 2:34 pm
…but I love Brockway!
March 4th, 2009 at 2:29 pm
The shark is most definitely not a great white, looks to be a reef shark (or white tip).
Quite docile and not not for attacking humans.
March 4th, 2009 at 2:00 pm
Someone give the author of this article a reward.
March 4th, 2009 at 1:52 pm
Mr.Right
you are a dumbass faggot.You obviously see yourself as a man with a sens of humour, but really to appreciate humour you must appreciate it in all forms. Dick jokes are funny. If you can’t appreciate the work that goes into writing one of these fucking atricles then i suggest you just don’tread them you pompous american jackass.
SUCK MY DICK
P.S. that was a dick joke, see the humour
March 4th, 2009 at 1:48 pm
THAT…WAS…AWSOME!!! arrrrggggrrrrawdyeessssooohhhshhhhiiittt!!
March 4th, 2009 at 1:32 pm
Mr. Right,
In true Cracked fashion, I will completely ignore your larger point in order to harp on irrelevant factual inaccuracies:
That was my SECOND article, not my FIRST.
GOD, DO YOUR RESEARCH.
March 4th, 2009 at 1:30 pm
that was an awesome article
March 4th, 2009 at 1:26 pm
[...] Full Story: Cracked [...]
March 4th, 2009 at 1:25 pm
[...] eu tentarei “solucionar” algumas destas curiosidades que muitos possuem traduzindo partes deste link, dependendo eu abrirei uma nova “série” de posts que explicará as verdades de algumas [...]
March 4th, 2009 at 1:16 pm
I’m gonna go out on a limb here and guess that number 2 up there is the guy that Harlequin and the Joker bought their pet hyenas from.
March 4th, 2009 at 12:59 pm
just fckng awesome
March 4th, 2009 at 12:42 pm
“The soldier firing on Captain Axe Backflip is going to do serious damage to his troop’s morale when he gets back to base, and reports that the target got away…because apparently all Russian soldiers are half-lumberjack, half-ninja and entirely drunk.”
Ummm… How will the soldier make it back to report WITH AN AXE LODGED IN HIS FOREHEAD??
March 4th, 2009 at 12:42 pm
I wanna see true stories behind some of your best craption pics!
March 4th, 2009 at 12:39 pm
spetznaz, oh please, they werent that good
NO ONE has anything on the SAS not even the americans
heh
March 4th, 2009 at 12:38 pm
Dear Mr. Cockway,
RE: You redeeming yourself…
There’s a reason everyone always brings up your need to redeem yourself. I could bullshit about psychology and talk about how you’re afraid of success, failure, or dinosaurs. But let’s cut the bullshit.
Your first article here SUCKED. And EVERYONE HATED IT. People who agreed with your larger point hated it. People who disagreed with it (myself among them, look it up) hated it. People who come to Cracked for dick jokes and not politics hated it. Everyone hated it.
Now, from all indications, you’ve learned your lesson. You have legitimately improved (mainly by copying Swaim and DOB, which to be honest, isn’t the worst thing you could be doing) but you’re going to keep getting shit for that first impression.
My suggestion, and this may not even work, is that you write some kind of massive Beowolf-but-with-dick-jokes style epic. When you defeat your Grendel, your Darth Vader, your Alien Monster Team from Space Jam, then you shall have defeated the haters.
Or everyone will post tl;dr and keep hating. The internet is funny is like that.
March 4th, 2009 at 12:38 pm
Speznaz, which is an abbreviation of “special forces” (”voyska spetzialnogo naznacheniya”) still exist in Russia, like they would in every country which has army and police. Army, intelligence, police and national guards have “speznaz” troops. Here’s a web site dedicated to Russian special forces – http://spec-naz.org/
March 4th, 2009 at 12:32 pm
oh god i literally laughed till i couldn’t breathe
March 4th, 2009 at 12:26 pm
Everyone who’s digging this, goes and digg ‘The Brief, Tragic Life Of A Cracked Intern’. One of the most underdugg articles on the site, that.
March 4th, 2009 at 12:26 pm
much appreciated.
again cracked you have givin me an awesomegasem.
March 4th, 2009 at 12:21 pm
[...] True Stories Behind 5 Famous WTF Images Posted by: Mel Under: funny funny 4 Mar 2009 From Cracked: Most people have already seen the following images in the ‘WTF’ sections of social [...]
March 4th, 2009 at 12:19 pm
That was a sweet ass synopsis of some righteous photos. God bless you for being a truth crusader and dominating the megawaves with your heretofore necessary jibba-jabba. I took a piss after reading this and my dick and balls were bigger.
March 4th, 2009 at 12:19 pm
WTF? famous? first time i’d seen any of those
March 4th, 2009 at 12:12 pm
this was a great article.
March 4th, 2009 at 12:09 pm
@Fox64: You’re an idiot. Also, only newfags call out newfags. If you’re going to do elitist, do it right.
Also, the fact that ‘you can tell from some of the pixels’ has nothing to do with the fact that the images are quite well-known. Also, way to try to include at least one stupid meme in your post.
March 4th, 2009 at 12:07 pm
I’ve never seen these images (not your fault, obviously), and a couple of them are actually pretty lame. This makes me think that there must be far more badass images out there, and NOBODY KNOWS THEIR STORY. Perhaps these images, though excluded from this article, have been around since before records began. Perhaps they have no origin. Perhaps, one day, an engraved version will be found on a cave wall, identical to its modern equivalent in all but medium. It’ll be like the Alien bit at the end of Predator II.
March 4th, 2009 at 12:01 pm
ROFLSup?
March 4th, 2009 at 11:54 am
That last picture is upside-down…
March 4th, 2009 at 11:54 am
The blood monkey had me rolling. seriously that’s fucking hilarious.
March 4th, 2009 at 11:48 am
[...] The True Stories Behind 5 Famous WTF Images | Cracked.com __________________ [...]
March 4th, 2009 at 11:46 am
Okay, general points:
I’m just going to assume y’all are right about the shark. I do not have any prior shark expertise; I just pulled that info from one of the articles about the guy that my research turned up. It was the only article that actually mentioned the species of shark, so I took it at its word.
The Spetznaz is “not around in any form closely resembling the originals.” Pay attention to wording, guys. The Spetznaz are not the same thing they were before the fall, though they are still around.
Doesn’t the name even mean something different now?
Again, I’m sure there are experts here who know the situation better than me, but the sources I found stated that the Spetznaz referred to in those above pictures were largely disbanded and continue on only in spirit. It’s now an umbrella term that means any specialized forces - from swat teams to foreign operatives - in Russian military operations, and doesn’t refer to this exact backflipping, hatchet throwing, dog-jumping force.
And finally, every week somebody tells me I redeem myself. I wonder when I will finally be forgiven for getting this job…
March 4th, 2009 at 11:07 am
__/\___
< <—-know it all
March 4th, 2009 at 11:07 am
even Terell Owens is in awe of Proffesor Badass
March 4th, 2009 at 11:04 am
Quote from Fox64:
“I can tell because of some of the pixels and stuff.”
How does that prove in any way that these images are not “famous”…?
March 4th, 2009 at 11:02 am
Loved the article Brockway.
Don’t listen to the haters, they’re just MAD that the competing MAGAZINE where they work is going down the toilet faster than an unwanted baby on prom night.
For all of those who just HAD to point out that the shark is not a great white, or the Spetznaz is really still around, or the article covers some pictures which have been written about before on other sites, (deep breath) I hope you were able to make yourself feel better by demonstrating your immense knowledge of something as useless and inane as species of shark as viewed from below. There is such a thing as temporary suspension of disbelief to serve the greater comedic purpose, thanks for dicking it up for the rest of us you ball-lickers.
March 4th, 2009 at 10:46 am
Spetznaz doesn’t exist? Where’d you get your facts from? Santa’s village? They are still here and as badass as ever.
March 4th, 2009 at 10:40 am
More please!
March 4th, 2009 at 10:20 am
Uh, yeah, I live in Wisconsin, and my brother has always said that Beloit is the sound made when something is dropped in the toilet. Damn! Dropped a quarter in the toilet! “Be-loit!”
March 4th, 2009 at 10:16 am
Hey, well, i’m Russian, and truth is, we still have the spetznaz forces, and they’re pretty much that bad-ass )
March 4th, 2009 at 10:05 am
This Article. WTF.
March 4th, 2009 at 9:56 am
Brockway, this was one of the funniest things I’ve read in the past couple months.
March 4th, 2009 at 9:52 am
Mark Madson is fucking hot.
March 4th, 2009 at 9:50 am
@Darkmage and Emerald dragon, I’ll agree with that, no way is it a great white, not even a juvenile. At least not in the first picture of the guy holding a shark. Also the article says he was “holding a shark that he just knocked unconscious with his bare fucking hands”, which he wasn’t as he’s wearing chain-mail gloves. It’s how you get them into that catatonic state in the first place, chain-mail fucks up with their electroreception and sort of overloads their senses. You try it with your bare hands and you’ll probably be a few fingers down.
March 4th, 2009 at 9:50 am
Darkmage the second picture under number 3 is a Great White.
Turning the shark upside down doesn’t cause tonic immobility, it is just demonstrates the effects of it on the shark. The effect is caused by the pressure on the electro-magnetic receptors in the nose of the shark, the Ampullae of Lorenzini. I live every week like it’s shark week.
March 4th, 2009 at 9:49 am
I lol’d. Thanx Brock
March 4th, 2009 at 9:41 am
I wonder where techno viking came from, thats what I’m really curious about.
March 4th, 2009 at 9:36 am
The Spetsnaz may have undergone some drastic changes and restructuring after the fall of the soviet union but they do still exist, and are still major badasses.
March 4th, 2009 at 9:29 am
These images are not that famous. I can tell because of some of the pixels and stuff. I do have to applaud you for your efforts though. Now that I think of it, you were that one newfag who sat there for three weeks straight saying ’sauce’ for every image that came up.
Good yet lacking.
March 4th, 2009 at 9:20 am
That backflipping hatchet hurler was so awesome I didnt believe what I was seeing!!! I would happily pay to see someone do that.
March 4th, 2009 at 9:20 am
I work a few cubicles down from Professor Badass, and it is my duty to report that today he is wearing a tasteful ruffled black silk shirt/neckerchief combo.
March 4th, 2009 at 9:18 am
This was the BEST article you guys have ever done. We need more just like this. Great writing, great idea, just plain great!
March 4th, 2009 at 9:06 am
@Barnard Animals
I think you are the moron, you read the fucking article. Biatch
March 4th, 2009 at 8:56 am
ha ha Looks like we’re on the same page Emerald Dragon!
Papajon, if you dont like it, fuck off and dont come back, yeah!
also, if you like #2, check out Craig Busch, also known as The Lion Man. He lives in New Zealand with his park full of super rare lions and tigers. Seriously, look him up. He is one bad motherfucker! The man play fights with full grown lions!
March 4th, 2009 at 8:56 am
That was very funny writing.
March 4th, 2009 at 8:55 am
Is that Terrel Owens behind the fashion designer in the picture at top? Sure as hell looks like him.
March 4th, 2009 at 8:54 am
[...] The True Stories Behind 5 Famous WTF Images - [Cracked] [...]
March 4th, 2009 at 8:53 am
professor badass says, “you betta study, bitchaz, or ima smack you upside yo headz!”
March 4th, 2009 at 8:52 am
Professor Badass is wearing hot pink WINGTIPS. Not loafers. You people at Cracked obviously don’t know your footwear
March 4th, 2009 at 8:49 am
#3 - That isn’t a great white… Looks more like a Black Tip Reef Shark to me. It’s too thin to be a white, it’s mouth is all wrong, it’s fins are the wrong shape and, as there’s a few of em in the picture, it’s very unlikely it is. As it would seem you have done a lot of leg work for this blog I could be wrong but I am about 97% sure I’m right. May not be a Black tip reefy, but it aint a great white.
March 4th, 2009 at 8:49 am
That’s not a Great White he is holding, it’s a Black Tipped reef shark. Unless you go out of your way to harrass them, they are a fairly safe speices.
March 4th, 2009 at 8:48 am
Barnard Animals Says:
March 4th, 2009 at 7:32 am
Still not funny. While this wretched site ever post something remotely humorous? Using “fucking” as every third adjective isn’t laugh inducing, it just bridges the gap between you and your moron readers.
**************************
Troll. Sense of humor and tact fail.
March 4th, 2009 at 8:43 am
I aspire to be Professor Hatchet Hurling Hyena Shark Man. A.k.a. King of Cool.
Barnard Animals, you may leave now.
March 4th, 2009 at 8:42 am
The Nigerian Road Warrior and his baboon remind me of the Army of Darkness poster.
March 4th, 2009 at 8:35 am
I’ve never seen any of these pictures before today. Fuck your internet culture.
March 4th, 2009 at 8:32 am
And it also doesn’t change the fact that, when the photographer came to do a photo shoot about it, Mark oiled up his chest-planks, threw on his formal vest and posed like he was the Captain Morgan of moonshine.
LOL!!
March 4th, 2009 at 8:17 am
So how come the guy who Spock-pinches sharks hasn’t turned up on one of Cracked’s lists of real life superheroes?
March 4th, 2009 at 7:59 am
Yeah I saw TO too, that is weird.
March 4th, 2009 at 7:58 am
Truth be told: Professor Badass’ second outfit is sick.
Mad props to the Badass.
March 4th, 2009 at 7:40 am
thanks alot for this wonderfull articl
March 4th, 2009 at 7:36 am
“Thanks, communism!”
omg…Fucking hilarious
March 4th, 2009 at 7:34 am
Good stuff there, Robert. As usual.
March 4th, 2009 at 7:32 am
Still not funny. While this wretched site ever post something remotely humorous? Using “fucking” as every third adjective isn’t laugh inducing, it just bridges the gap between you and your moron readers.
March 4th, 2009 at 7:30 am
thats pretty coo!
March 4th, 2009 at 7:29 am
I have seen the Professor Badass pic posted so many times, and not once has anyone pointed out that apparently Terrel Owens is strolling along on the left side?
March 4th, 2009 at 7:14 am
Wow that is amazing! I had no idea dude!
RT
http://www.privacy-center.pro.tc
March 4th, 2009 at 7:12 am
Great, great list. But how do you know the Spetznatz dosen’t exist anymore? Thats what they want you to believe.
March 4th, 2009 at 7:02 am
I’m sorry, but the Sharkman is holding a reef shark. In the second picture, he is touching a great white, but those are two different sharks… still cool though.
March 4th, 2009 at 6:24 am
Yeah Troy, that’s the first thing I noticed too.
March 4th, 2009 at 6:17 am
That’s not just a monkey. That’s a baboon. Baboons are known to kill crocodiles and lions. They are the Chuck Norris of Monkeydom. That baboon could probably juggle that hyena like Mr. Shark Man up there.
March 4th, 2009 at 6:05 am
does anyone realize that Terrell Owens is standing behind Prof. Badass in the first pic
March 4th, 2009 at 5:57 am
Nice article!!!
And to duncan, hell yeah, that sounds like a better show…than say, The Bachelor, which made headline news yesterday *facepalm*
March 4th, 2009 at 5:56 am
Well fuck you Chuck Norris I just found five new gods to beleive in.
March 4th, 2009 at 5:55 am
Thank you, thank you, thank you! This article made my morning.
March 4th, 2009 at 5:47 am
Great article. I was laughing the entire time. Still, the #1 picture is REALLY hard to believe.
March 4th, 2009 at 5:38 am
You don’t mess with the Spetznaz. Those dudes are hardcore like crazy.
March 4th, 2009 at 5:32 am
Hurling a hatchet upside down in the air? Jeez, I can hurl an axe. He’s probably just learning or something.
March 4th, 2009 at 5:29 am
Am I the only one who thinks Professor Badass and Hillbilly Tornado Man should be starring together in a mismatched-buddy-superhero-time-traveling comedy? They’re the only ones who can defend us from the super Spetznaz and/or the Nigerian animal infantry (depending on the time period and/or crossover episode). Whenever they have to fight at sea the show guest stars the Shark Juggler who may be friend… or foe.
March 4th, 2009 at 5:23 am
robert brockway is the funniest writer at cracked. punch more words! into sentences, preferably.
March 4th, 2009 at 5:22 am
As a matter of fact, I work at the Backflip and Hatchet Hurling Workshop for Aspiring Bad Motherfuckers. Also, when I die (presumably in hatchet related incident), I want the Cracked team to write my eulogy.
March 4th, 2009 at 4:58 am
Great article. That’s not a Great White he’s balancing though.
March 4th, 2009 at 4:51 am
best article in 2 months GJ
March 4th, 2009 at 4:45 am
I was extremely disappointed by this page up until the last picture.
The Spetznaz can make any lacklustre comedic article badass.
March 4th, 2009 at 4:40 am
Dammit, I demand moar!
March 4th, 2009 at 4:16 am
Is that scuba diver wearing hammer pants?
(Great post!)
March 4th, 2009 at 4:05 am
Does anyone know the real story behind the epic fail that shows the guy with the tattoo of what appears to be his deceased wife? I have tried to find the real story behind that one for some time. You can find it many places, but here is one if you aren’t familiar with it… http://pahky.com/2008/04/16/epic-fail-1/. I would love to know the truth behind it…
March 4th, 2009 at 3:55 am
Brockway, how does it feel to be harshly critiqued by guys sat in their pants in their parents basement?
Pretty good, I’d wager. Life affirming. At least you’re not them.
Good work.
March 4th, 2009 at 3:21 am
Brockway your article sucked
March 4th, 2009 at 3:19 am
i saw the shark thign on the discovery channel. the guy only managed to put a great white into tonic for like a second or 2. although he did manage to hold on to a bigger ones fin and be dragged along like thwy do with dolphins.
March 4th, 2009 at 3:17 am
Good article. I have one question. If it became a brawl between all the people in these pictures who would win?
March 4th, 2009 at 3:01 am
Excellent article.
LOL to the power of 10
March 4th, 2009 at 2:51 am
Huh, this might actually be the first decent Brockway article thus far. I offer cautious applause.
I like how the shark entry just cuts off abruptly when it gets to the picture.
March 4th, 2009 at 2:20 am
SirAssBandit - No it’s not. SAS wore black for the Iranian Embassy Siege, plus there wasn’t a photographer taking pictures from a roof as they rappelled down the back of the building.
March 4th, 2009 at 1:53 am
Professor Badass is found on the Sartorialist’s website. http://thesartorialist.blogspot.com
I don’t know which month he took a picture of him in.
March 4th, 2009 at 1:42 am
Just saying, but there were lots of bullets fired in the Cold War, just not directly between USSR and USA. Afghanistan, Korea, Vietnam, Cuba….
Also, great article
March 4th, 2009 at 1:42 am
Great article! The most badass of them all was the spetnaz
March 4th, 2009 at 1:33 am
The part with the rooster carrying a gun was one of the funniest things i’ve read in a while
March 4th, 2009 at 1:19 am
Isn’t that last pic from the hostage situation where the sas first became famous?
March 4th, 2009 at 1:03 am
I’m about 10 minutes from Beloit, WI. Is that fucking treehouse truck still around? I hope so, I wanna go see it.
March 4th, 2009 at 12:32 am
I’m crying. How come the Soviet Union felt if they had these motherfuckers badasses on their side? It was that fucking gay “cold war”, the lamest conflict ever. Not even a bullet was shot, if so, America doesnt stood a CHANCE!
March 4th, 2009 at 12:27 am
The reason the Spetsnaz training isn’t used in today’s military is because people actually died during that training. Not just a few out of shape people either. It was probobly common for troops to just die in the middle of training. That’s how fucking tough it was. Although because of something stupid (i think the name is morals) the public won’t put up with that. Damn morals.
March 4th, 2009 at 12:27 am
*Sigh*
That is not a great white shark, it’s a black-tipped reef shark.
March 4th, 2009 at 12:06 am
thank you kindly for devoting much of your article on the spetznaz. ive been pretty much obsessed with them and their X-TREME!!!! forms of training since my 9th winter.
March 3rd, 2009 at 11:34 pm
I’d have funded the Soviet Union for any further precious seconds than they got, just to get a few more Spetsnaz.
Seriously, can no army in the world today find an excuse to put that in the training regiment?
March 3rd, 2009 at 11:15 pm
This was honest to goodness, real badass funny shit! Good stuff Brockway. I am looking forward to your next article.
March 3rd, 2009 at 11:04 pm
Brockway, you have redeemed yourself with this article!
March 3rd, 2009 at 10:52 pm
First!!!!!
March 3rd, 2009 at 10:40 pm
Awesome article!