Barbie recently celebrated her 50th birthday this past week, and the “on a lighter note” news desks across the country have filled out their column inches with recaps of the history of the world’s most famous doll. Largely forgotten in all of this is the story of Ken, Barbie’s neutered friend and sometimes-companion. To help shed some light on this forgotten plastic figure, I acquired a Ken doll at a garage sale, and with the help of a mysterious carnival-gypsy, animated him and stole his possessions. Included amongst them was his journal, from which I present some selected highlights…
__
Who am I?
My name’s Ken. I came home from the store a year ago in the company of two new Barbie dolls and Lindsey Blackman, our owner. My hobbies include wearing clothes and sitting. My life consists of an endless parade of weddings and dates and vacations that I find myself going on with one or more of the six Barbies who accompany me through this “life.” And this journal? I’m writing it to help provide a constant touchstone, something to grasp on to for support as I whisk through this pink and purple hell.
Kissing
Last week I went to work for 15 minutes in the shoebox, while Work-Out Barbie went jet-skiing, cooked a cake, drove her Corvette to the pony farm and changed outfits four times. Then I went home, where Work-Out Barbie and I mashed our faces together against one another for a minute and a half while Lindsey made noises that she believed to be representative of kissing. I then laid motionless on the ground while Work-Out Barbie went jet-skiing some more before Lindsey was called for dinner. I remained on the floor for eight days, where I thought about death.
Another wedding
I got married again today, this time to Cool Times Barbie, which is I think the sixth time we’ve been wed. The ceremony was attended by 18 garishly painted ponies, four stuffed animals and the rest of the Barbies. None of my friends made it, again. Not that I actually have any friends of course. Lindsey sat the stuffed bears on my side of the aisle, but those guys have never said a word to me in my life. I think they’re dicks.
My first, fifth, eighth, sixteenth, twentieth and thirty second wife. The pants are atrocious, but otherwise she’s ok.
First sexual encounter
Lindsey’s friend Katy came over today. They talked about horses for about half an hour and then talked about how boys were gross. Katy, whose parents don’t keep tabs on her television watching I’m guessing, tried to explain the concept of sex to Lindsey, who simply was not getting it. Finally Katy grabbed Ice Capades Barbie and me, stripped off all of our clothes and started banging us together in some crude semblance of the reproductive act. I found it unsatisfying, as all my encounters with the Barbies are, when Katy said something that shed some light on my circumstances. Apparently I don’t have any genitals. What the fuck?
Enduring mystery
This is really bothering me, and it’s hard to verbalize specifically why. Until yesterday I didn’t know anything was missing from my life. Yet now that I know about the existence of junk, and the fact that mine isn’t there, I can’t think about anything else. It’d be like if there was a deaf guy, who lived by himself his whole life, and never met anyone so never even comprehended that people could speak and hear sounds. And then one day people come to his house, and they’re the first people he’s ever met, and they’re jabbering back and forth at each other, and he can’t figure out why and then one of them writes down on a piece of paper (he can still read) “Your penis is missing.”
I am that guy.
Camping
Oh fuck, yes. I’m going camping! This is the first time I think I’ve been out of the house. Because Lindsey is stupid and careless, normally only Hawaiian Fun Barbie is allowed outdoors, a fact obvious to anyone who’s observed her weathered hyde or pungent bouquet. I am totally serious - she smells like dog shit. Anyways, the whole family is going on a camping trip, and I get to ride in the fucking car with everyone.
A new friend?
So the car ride itself was pretty uneventful, given that I spent it at the bottom of a bag. Still, exciting just to know I was in a car. When we got to the campground, Lindsey was told to play with her brother Scott for awhile, and for the two of them to “just shut up” for a second while the grown-ups figured out how to raise the tent-trailer they borrowed from the Fletchers. So that’s how Sun Sensation Barbie and I met one of Scott’s friends, Grimlock.
Grimlock is so fucking cool. He is a dinosaur, which is awesome, but he is also a robot too! I know, right? He has got a gun and a sword and he’s been on TV. That stupid idiot Lindsey wanted Grimlock to marry Sun Sensation Barbie, but Grimlock wasn’t having any of that, and he bit Barbie right in the goddamned leg! Fucking right! Anyways, Grimlock lent me his sword and we fought for a little while. Lindsey got bored pretty quick and that was the end of that, but I was exhilarated. That was maybe the happiest minute of my life.
A visitor
Grimlock came over today while the kids were at school. I had no idea he could move under his own power. He is so cool. I thought he’d want to play or fight or something like the time when we met, but he wasn’t like that this time. He just wanted to shoot the shit. “Grimlock be super chill for awhile,” he said. So we sat around talking. It was fun - he’s got like a million stories about getting oral sex in various situations.
Drinking
Grimlock took me to a bar last night (so cool) and we stayed there for hours drinking (7&7’s are awesome) and dancing with the girls. Later, when we were heading home, I let it blurt out that my penis and testicles were missing. Grimlock nodded silently, the gravity of what I’d just told him or his partial retardation causing him to struggle to find words. Eventually he asked if I remembered another doll, who had cascading blond hair and a plasticy complexion. I told him that sounded exactly like Rock Star Barbie, who had gone missing over a year ago. Grimlock told me that her head and two arms had been found in Scott’s room, and that some of the other robots were whispering that Scott was insane, a psychopath bent on dismembering his victims. Grimlock left it unsaid, but I filled in the blanks: Scott had stolen my balls.
Quivering with rage
Ever since Grimlock told me about Lindsey’s brother, I’ve been seething. Today I snapped at Lindsey. There was another wedding scheduled apparently, but I wanted no part of it, and during the ceremony I told her to “go fuck herself” right in front of the Barbies and ponies and everyone. She looked pretty shaken.
A dark place
I’m stuck in a drawer. Lindsey hasn’t spoken to me in a month, and I guess Grimlock can’t get to me now either. I’ve mostly been working on my novel. The protagonist is this guy who travels the world, meeting strangers and trying to bait people into offending him in some way, before flipping out and snapping their necks with his bare hands and so forth. It’s actually pretty calming to write - I’ve got 800 pages so far.
The dawn breaks
Grimlock pried open the drawer today and fished me out. He took me to a hall closet that hadn’t been cleaned out in three years and said I could hide out there. I stammered, tears streaming down my cheeks, my mouth hanging open wordlessly. Finally I gasped, “Why? Why do so much for me?” Grimlock explained that when he was filming Transformers: The Movie he met Judd Nelson, who also didn’t have a penis. At the time Grimlock had made fun of Nelson for this, something he regretted. “In you, Grimlock see way to make up for past youthful transgressions,” he said.
Then Grimlock showed me the greatest treasure of all. In his claw he offered a small ball of Play-Doh which he demonstrated could be used to fashion a new set of organs for my personal area. After some experimentation with length and girth we settled on a nice half inch length - although he left me the extra dough, giving me a hilariously large stage-wink when he did so.
Finally after a hug and some more tears, Grimlock left, and I began to settle into my new home. The mind boggles at the whole new world of freedom and potential and anatomical wonder that has been opened up for me. I must admit to being a little overwhelmed with the possibilities.
Eureka!
I have been playing with this thing for days! This is awesome! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
__
This entry was posted on Tuesday, March 10th, 2009 at 3:00 am and is filed under Barbie, Kenny G. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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October 21st, 2009 at 7:11 am
This would make such an awesome Robot Chicken sketch…
September 11th, 2009 at 9:54 am
I think the show you are thinking of was on Nickelodeon and it was called “Ka-blam”
August 30th, 2009 at 9:43 pm
HELP me! For about 10 years I watch an animatede/stop/start muvie.I mean real dolls moving! Barbie and ken thing on a (i think) childerns channel. It was SO funny. Somthing about Ken comming home to the PINK house and yelling at Barbie because of all the food was of plastic and I think he hit the dog when he parked the PINK car:-) And he was complaining about the PINK color of the house and so on and so on. Trying to hump Barbie on the bonnet of the car!! It was really funny. BUT I can´t seem to find it anywhere!!! PLEASE help me!!!
August 29th, 2009 at 1:09 am
I never bought a Ken doll when I was a kid. Therefore all my Barbies were lesbians.
Funny how my parents didn’t think much of it.
August 26th, 2009 at 1:44 am
Reading this reminded me of the first “sex talk” I was ever given.
August 8th, 2009 at 6:36 pm
Yeah… My barbies had sex too, a result of my early corruption, though my ken dolls always had flesh colored underwear welded to their skin. I imagine that would make the process somewhat difficult as well.
July 21st, 2009 at 11:04 am
my fave part “My hobbies include wearing clothes and sitting.” absolutely brilliant!
July 16th, 2009 at 9:50 am
I always had a lot of Kens and one favorite Barbie who had her choice of men. Perhaps that’s why I find boys so expendable nowadays…
July 12th, 2009 at 7:03 pm
Mine well actually she was a Cindy dated Sebastian off of The Little Mermaid. And a badger from Silvanian Families.
July 9th, 2009 at 8:03 am
Someone has tooo much time on thier hands…. Geeez!
June 28th, 2009 at 11:32 am
This is hands down the most hilarious thing I have ever read on cracked.
June 17th, 2009 at 7:35 am
Wow Grimlock would be an awesome friend.
I never had a Ken doll, my barbies used to marry teddybears. If they forgot to put away the ironing board their husbands could’ve ripped their plastic heads off!
June 4th, 2009 at 8:26 am
Hahaha, my brother owned a Grimlock and I tried to make it marry one of my barbies! Amazing!
June 2nd, 2009 at 1:39 pm
“but Grimlock wasn’t having any of that, and he bit Barbie right in the goddamned leg!”
– Fuckin comedic Gold!
May 11th, 2009 at 6:28 pm
It’s just ashame that this story had to include so Many four letter words. But then, when talking about Ken’s Special area, what else can you use? Except maybe, Lorena Bobbitt? Oh NOooo!
April 17th, 2009 at 9:06 pm
life needed
April 15th, 2009 at 1:30 pm
The dawn breaks: Addendum
‘And as our eyes met for the last time, the longing was plain for all the world to see. But it was not to be. He a mighty robot-dinosaur; I a plastic man with a play-doh penis; ours—ours was a love that could never be.’
April 14th, 2009 at 9:34 pm
fantastic
April 11th, 2009 at 10:42 pm
I had a John Smith doll from the Disney Barbie set and he had like….. *ahem* a well-shaped, though too smooth, lower half. The Kens always had it just completely glossed over, or had the plastic underwear, but John Smith was a pimp in comparison. My Barbies always wanted to go out with him instead.
April 10th, 2009 at 3:38 am
i cant describe this in words
April 9th, 2009 at 9:19 am
ahhhh….thank you for the forgotten the memories hahaha
April 8th, 2009 at 9:03 pm
Nice, probably the funniest article of yours I’ve read!
April 8th, 2009 at 4:39 pm
Hilarious article. I especially loved the “Apparently I don’t have any genitals. What the fuck?”
I never had a Ken, so my Barbies were always lesbians.
April 7th, 2009 at 6:03 pm
Ha. The final line was hilarious!
April 7th, 2009 at 5:41 pm
Great article. I always kinda wondered about ken and how he felt about his “missing anatomical pieces”
April 7th, 2009 at 6:59 am
God that was awesome, cheers to you sir.
April 5th, 2009 at 10:47 am
I once had a dream about one of my Ken dolls strangling my other barbie dolls when I was a kid. When I woke up, I locked the doll in a desk and didn’t open it for five years
April 4th, 2009 at 7:17 pm
I really felt for Ken in the middle of the story…I’m glad there was a happy ending (…get it?! cus its like a a happy ending, AND cus ken experiences “happy endings” when he masturbates?! i kill myself). Hilarious fucking article.
April 2nd, 2009 at 9:56 pm
I had a shaving fun ken when I was little. It came with a razor that had a sponge instead of a blade. His beard would disappear with cold water but return after it dried (like in two minutes) needless to say I got angry when ken wouldn’t stay clean shaven and upgraded to my father’s actual razor…. Ken lost his face and ended up using him as a drowning victim for my Bay Watch Barbie.
April 2nd, 2009 at 6:55 pm
I congratulate you, this is absolutely fucking wonderful. I laughed from “He is a dinosaur, which is awesome, but he is also a robot too!” onwards almost non-stop.
Clap clap clap clap clap.
April 2nd, 2009 at 5:17 pm
hahahahahahahahahhaa
March 31st, 2009 at 2:57 pm
wow… just. wow. i made the mistake of reading this at work and now all my co-workers think im crazy. but then again i am laughing my ass off about the thought of a ken doll jerking it with his play-doh stick and berries
March 30th, 2009 at 9:11 am
I love this. Thank you.
(I can imagine Ken masturbating and laughing manaically at the same time).
March 27th, 2009 at 3:40 pm
this was freakin’ awesome
March 26th, 2009 at 6:07 am
This was properly crafted insanity. loved it.
March 24th, 2009 at 8:32 pm
Oh my god, this was hilarious
March 24th, 2009 at 6:45 pm
that was pure genius
March 24th, 2009 at 6:12 am
I laughed and I cried. Awesome stuff.
March 24th, 2009 at 12:08 am
I totally had that exact Ken doll when I was a kid. My parents are surprised I’m not gay.
March 23rd, 2009 at 10:30 am
Funny. Thanks for the laugh.
March 22nd, 2009 at 4:00 am
[...] Pandemic 2- The True Life-Story of a Ken Doll- 9 Child Prodigies Who Are Clearly Dangerous Mutants- XKCD: Not Enough Work- Mr. Chi City Destroys [...]
March 20th, 2009 at 11:51 pm
Some guy in West Virginia is trying to ban Barbies from the state on grounds that they set a standard of unattainable (plastic) beauty. This comes from the man who lives in the 2nd ugliest county in WV. (Also the same county that was the birthplace of the 1st man to break the sound barrier)
March 17th, 2009 at 9:14 pm
This was awesome. It makes me feel sorry for my Ken Doll (a Western Fun Ken I believe, because I got the Western Fun Barbie and the Horse that went with it…forget the horse’s name…and I really don’t know why I got it…I wasn’t into horses, unlike most girls), especially after I learned boys had pee pees. which was at a fairly young age.
I just was tickled pink though that you mentioned Hawaiian Fun Barbie, she was one of my first!
Loved this one!
March 17th, 2009 at 5:16 pm
OMG! DUDE THIS IS SICK! seriously this is like the funniest thing ive read….ever. THANKS!
March 16th, 2009 at 11:49 pm
I have had the WORST week of my life so far (honestly, you probably can’t top it), and a friend showed me this site. Holy Crap…. This is the BEST thing ever, and I love the True Life-Story of a Ken Doll.
It’s pretty effing amazing. Thanks for putting a smile on my face.
March 15th, 2009 at 6:49 pm
When I was really little the furnace went out, so my parents built up a fire in the fireplace to keep me warm. Seeing their concern, I got worried about my poor little Barbies and Ken. To keep them warm, I put them right up on the hearth, not realizing that the melting point of plastic is pretty low. My mom came downstairs and tried to save them all, but as she picked them up Ken’s arm stretched way out. She ended up having to cut it off at the elbow! Then one of the Barbies had a huge lump form on her neck, and the other’s head fused to her shoulders. I still have these guys… amputee Ken, and cancer Barbie…. I don’t think I ever got any other ones for some reason…. ;D
March 15th, 2009 at 2:27 pm
Hahaha!! This is possibly the funnies thing I’ve ever read!
March 14th, 2009 at 9:16 pm
I have never read an article on cracked that didn’t start with a #.
Until now. And I hate myself from doing so.
Absolutely hilarious and yet strangely depressing, loved every sentence.
March 14th, 2009 at 6:17 pm
Ken needs a GI Joe friend!
March 14th, 2009 at 1:23 pm
That dig at Judd Nelson was great.
March 14th, 2009 at 5:02 am
Note to self (if I was boo): criticize the writing of others with a grammatically incorrect sentence.
March 14th, 2009 at 5:00 am
“I remained on the floor for eight days, where I thought about death.”
I think we have all been there.
March 13th, 2009 at 7:01 pm
Bucholz
you fucking rock
boo is an imbecile with no sense of humor
March 13th, 2009 at 10:50 am
LOL forever at Ken’s rather dismal, shell of a life. Thank the Gods for Grimlock.
Also, “
March 13th, 2009 at 7:12 am
Nice!!
March 12th, 2009 at 12:58 pm
haha, this is hilarious….
March 12th, 2009 at 12:26 pm
@ lily
are they tall?
because im tall
id love someone tall
March 12th, 2009 at 8:08 am
[...] 6 - Ken Doll; a biopic - Cracked [...]
March 12th, 2009 at 5:43 am
Recently, I discovered a hot place
http://www.tallchat.com where many hot tall singles and models who like talking about fashion and love there. I’m an open minded girl from US, I also like playing with tall guys on it.
March 12th, 2009 at 5:41 am
hi,I loved this
March 12th, 2009 at 3:52 am
[...] The True-Life Story of a Ken Doll [...]
March 12th, 2009 at 1:04 am
ohh
March 11th, 2009 at 10:48 pm
I snorted milk out my nose at the line “I remained on the floor for eight days, where I thought about death”
March 11th, 2009 at 9:53 pm
would be loads more funny if it wasnt poorly written.
March 11th, 2009 at 8:18 pm
that……was……AWESOME!!!!! OMG I was laughing so hard my sides hurt XD
March 11th, 2009 at 7:58 pm
LMAO HOLY CRAP
I loved this. SO MUCH.
March 11th, 2009 at 7:41 pm
lmao at Grimlock xDDDD
March 11th, 2009 at 4:58 pm
FUCKING BRILLANT, great job man… bravo!!!
March 11th, 2009 at 4:49 pm
If I were gay, I’d kidnap Ken.
March 11th, 2009 at 2:42 pm
Me love Grimlock.
March 11th, 2009 at 1:41 pm
I would gladly let this post cum on my face. Bravo.
March 11th, 2009 at 1:26 pm
That was epic as fuck. It’s the kind of happy ending I would have wanted for my Ken doll.
March 11th, 2009 at 12:54 pm
lmfao the ending.
March 11th, 2009 at 12:54 pm
This is brilliant!!
March 11th, 2009 at 12:32 pm
Best. Article. Ever.
March 11th, 2009 at 12:32 pm
best cracked article i’ve ever read,
need moar!
March 11th, 2009 at 11:04 am
More! Give us MORE!
March 11th, 2009 at 10:16 am
wow.. this brought back memories.. i did the same exact thing with my barbies… barbie did way more than Ken ever did… altho i never had a brother and Ken wasnt exposed to the guy stuff… Although gymnastic barbie LOVED Ken and raped him all the time.. lol… memories
March 11th, 2009 at 9:28 am
Supercereal, you almost made me snort hot coffee out of my nose with that comment.
March 11th, 2009 at 8:52 am
excellent - from start to finish.
@ CoMa7oSe….great idear about making a movie adaptation. seriously - that would be friggin’ aweSome. do it!
March 11th, 2009 at 8:50 am
lol
March 11th, 2009 at 8:21 am
Well done.Man!!
***** http://www.RichFriends.org ***where you can hook up the wealthy singles,sexy beauties. Find your sexy partner easier and more effective! What are you waiting for? Just sign up and hook up the sexy singles now! (18+ please)
March 11th, 2009 at 8:19 am
Somehow it seems vaguely depressing
March 11th, 2009 at 8:18 am
This was amazing.
March 11th, 2009 at 8:17 am
Assuming I never cheat on you, you seem totally awesome. Roasting cheaters over an open fire seems good to me
March 11th, 2009 at 7:49 am
[...] Ken finally breaks silence after Barbie’s 50th birthday [...]
March 11th, 2009 at 6:37 am
awesome. plain awesome.
March 11th, 2009 at 4:47 am
Did Cracked just get spammed by the military?
March 11th, 2009 at 2:49 am
@ken: i’m sorry your life sucked so much, be happy now
Long Live King Grimlock!
March 11th, 2009 at 2:20 am
Brilliant. Kinda made me wanna watch Toy Story again.
March 11th, 2009 at 1:36 am
Genius. Well written, strange perspective.
March 11th, 2009 at 1:27 am
http://www.uniformedmeet.com/ This is an exclusive community that assists members of the Army, Navy, Marines, Air Force, Coast Guard, Police Force, and Firefighters — as well as civilians — find old friends, make new ones, and build lasting relationships.
March 11th, 2009 at 12:55 am
I can’t wait until my kid is old enough to play with Barbies so I can have an excuse to buy them again.
March 10th, 2009 at 11:36 pm
For the first time ever, I actuall feel a bit sorry for Ken. Great writing Chris! Very imaginative.
March 10th, 2009 at 10:56 pm
Gaterade: Assuming I never cheat on you, you seem totally awesome. Roasting cheaters over an open fire seems good to me.
March 10th, 2009 at 10:47 pm
My dog was always eating my ken dolls, so I had to barder with my brother to use his Aladdin doll. My friends dog chewed up her Allen doll, companion to midge, and we had a service and a buriel, complete with a shoebox casket and a procession from her room, through the kitchen, and to the trash where she said I few words about what a great man he was while Midge cried and held Barbies hand. We also had an ugly barbie that we cut off all her hair and didnt give her any clothes and she would try and rape the man dolls. And I love the ponys, I had my little ponys one of which perished in the micorwave, I also have Grimlock, my son loves him. This artical brought back a flood of memories and it was awesome than you!!!!
March 10th, 2009 at 10:37 pm
This is the funniest thing in weeks.
March 10th, 2009 at 9:30 pm
Somehow it seems vaguely depressing
March 10th, 2009 at 9:11 pm
Canadians do it longer, and better, every time.
I’ll personally recommend Bucholz to Mr. Shatner when he phones aboot his pick for Minister of Heritage.
March 10th, 2009 at 8:40 pm
popurls.com // popular today…
story has entered the popular today section on popurls.com…
March 10th, 2009 at 8:20 pm
geeeennniiouuusss
March 10th, 2009 at 8:10 pm
Are you sexy? ** RichFriends.org ***where you can hook up the wealthy singles,sexy beauties. Find your sexy partner easier and more effective! What are you waiting for? Just sign up and hook up the sexy singles now! (18+ please)
March 10th, 2009 at 8:04 pm
That was the funniest thing I have read all day… freakin brilliant!
March 10th, 2009 at 8:00 pm
I fucking love you, Chris Bucholz.
This was amazing.
March 10th, 2009 at 7:57 pm
Good post!!
Are you sexy? ** RichFriends.org ***where you can hook up the wealthy singles,sexy beauties. Find your sexy partner easier and more effective! What are you waiting for? Just sign up and hook up the sexy singles now! (18+ please)
March 10th, 2009 at 7:51 pm
Bucholz, this was spectacular. Has this bene optioned for a movie adaptation yet?
March 10th, 2009 at 7:50 pm
I totally had those polka-dot pants for one of my barbies. And that hairbrush. The only Ken I had was the “shaving” one with the goatee that vanished when wiped with warm water. I can only imagine that Ken’s horror as I scientifically tested just how hot of water I could use before melting his face off.
…ahem. Anyway, great article. Keep up with the good work, gold star, etc.
March 10th, 2009 at 7:36 pm
This is just fantastic.
March 10th, 2009 at 7:23 pm
Holy crap is this good. really top notch work. “i layed on the floor for eight days where i thought about death.” i laughed very hard at this article
March 10th, 2009 at 7:20 pm
this was absolutely terrific
March 10th, 2009 at 6:42 pm
Getting “What?” looks from the others in the office.
Well done.
March 10th, 2009 at 6:41 pm
Brilliant.
March 10th, 2009 at 6:26 pm
I freaking loved this lol. I loved it enough to keep reading it and then be late to class because of it =D
March 10th, 2009 at 6:15 pm
I thought this was the second greatest article i’ve ever read, next to how many 8 year olds you can beat up.
March 10th, 2009 at 5:26 pm
LOLOLOLOLYYYEEEESSS!
Come to think of it, I think I might have a Ken doll hidden away /somewhere/, I dislike barbies, but since I had two, I eventually got a Ken doll to match, it came with a bottle of shaving cream….
March 10th, 2009 at 5:23 pm
Ken’s novel reminds me of the Ghost series by John Ringo.
March 10th, 2009 at 5:21 pm
I found out about sex exactly the way Lindsey did.
March 10th, 2009 at 5:15 pm
@pirateguy’
indeed it is, so we should take it to the next level with CB-
we gottas make this f***ing movie man.
March 10th, 2009 at 5:06 pm
When I was seven, I first heard about the concentration camps.
I had five or six Barbies at the time. And a Ken.
You probably know the rest…I was disturbed.
(Ken was Hitler.)
March 10th, 2009 at 4:53 pm
Like a sick, twisted, hilarious version of Toy Story.
March 10th, 2009 at 4:48 pm
I don’t have a penis
March 10th, 2009 at 4:44 pm
HA HA HA! Normally I’m just slightly amused by the Cracked blog articles. But this was funny and oddly compelling.
March 10th, 2009 at 4:40 pm
I reread this for laughs and, idk about anybody else, but ken seems to have homosexual undertones.
March 10th, 2009 at 4:35 pm
hilarious good job man
March 10th, 2009 at 4:03 pm
I don’t remember making Ken marry Barbie. I think I had them in a relationship but then Barbie caught him cheating on her with a My Scene doll. Then Barbie stabbed him with his barbecue fork and burned him in the grill and proceeded to beat the cr@p out of the My Scene doll, which I found very entertaining. I had a sick and twisted childhood.
March 10th, 2009 at 3:56 pm
I always hated Barbies.
But I DID have this fancy Ken doll with long, luxurious hair.
March 10th, 2009 at 3:49 pm
Lmfao that was soo funny, i especially loved the camping trip which was super awsome! Grimlock wouldnt have any of that. This was soo good. I once took my sisters barbie to put in my rocket (it launches like 100 fet straight up) so i taped it to the side, and when i returned it with singed black hair she wasnt happy.Needles to say i got a beating and so i took my revenge on her revenge by giving her barbies “buzz cuts”lol
March 10th, 2009 at 3:25 pm
I remember giving my sisters Barbie a bright pink Mohawk because I thought it would make her look more badass. However, the bright red strangle marks my sister gave to my neck did not look badass. Growing pains really do hurt, especially when you have an older sister who likes to strangle little brothers.
March 10th, 2009 at 3:21 pm
Your stuff is always great, thanks man
March 10th, 2009 at 3:18 pm
Hella funny! It reminds me of when I had no genitals!
March 10th, 2009 at 3:03 pm
You make my life not sad.
March 10th, 2009 at 2:47 pm
I would have my barbies have super powers and they would try to defeat the giant snake monster (brother’s toy snake) but one would be turned into a horse and then would have horse-snake hybrid babies and then would have to make a difficult decision about weather or not they wanted to be human again.
March 10th, 2009 at 2:44 pm
I’m pretty certain that Cool Times Barbie is the one that I launched onto my roof, using her hair as a crude sling. A couple of years later, I threw a ball up there and she came down with it. The moss in her hair and the mildewy slime on her skin made her resemble swamp hag Barbie, which I doubt sold very well.
March 10th, 2009 at 2:35 pm
great article. im happy grimlock and ken can be friends.
March 10th, 2009 at 2:33 pm
this changed my life.
March 10th, 2009 at 2:22 pm
This is made of win.
March 10th, 2009 at 2:07 pm
I don’t think I ever married my Ken to any of my Barbies. I do remember them being in a relationship, and he got caught cheating on Barbie with another Barbie, and she drowned him in the fish tank.
Then beat the living hell out of the other skank.
I was a weird child.
March 10th, 2009 at 2:06 pm
I married my Ken to a My Little Pony, what does that say about me as a person?
Great article, as always.
March 10th, 2009 at 1:43 pm
My Ken (Shaving Ken with not-painted-on hair and a beard that disappeared with hot water) never actually got married. He and Barbie (I only had one) planned to for years, even all through the off and on period where wheter they were together or with Rock N Roll Derrek and Skpper changed at least once a week (eventually, Skipper and Rock N Roll Derrek fell in love with each other and lived happily until Rock N Roll Derrek died in a post-swimming mold-related tragedy), but he never had a tux, and even once he did it just never happened.
March 10th, 2009 at 12:59 pm
I think I left *my* ken doll with a complex or two. Don’t get me wrong- I never *once* forced him to marry a barbie, let alone make him have sex.
But… I *did* dress him up in Barbies clothing…
March 10th, 2009 at 12:51 pm
i love a fappy ending
March 10th, 2009 at 12:51 pm
On a side note, my ken doll never had anything to do that with slut barbie, I made him marry Yellow Power Ranger. Fuck yeah.
March 10th, 2009 at 12:49 pm
That stupid idiot Lindsey wanted Grimlock to marry Sun Sensation Barbie, but Grimlock wasn’t having any of that, and he bit Barbie right in the goddamned leg! Fucking right!
AHAHAHA that is the best thing I have ever read.
March 10th, 2009 at 12:44 pm
Wow. Well written.
March 10th, 2009 at 12:39 pm
Holy shitm are you getting a movie deal out of this Bucholz?
March 10th, 2009 at 12:37 pm
Totally funny as shit.
You need to hold a tutorial on how to write funny stuff and invite all of the following people:
Swaim.
Yea, that’s about it.
March 10th, 2009 at 12:29 pm
FUCKING TOO GODDAMN FUNNY BUCHOLZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
March 10th, 2009 at 12:25 pm
Awesome. Ken was lame as a companion to Barbie (I’ll second interstella - he didn’t fit anything). But that article was great. My son has Grimlock, and he is truly badass
March 10th, 2009 at 12:19 pm
Oh my God, I never knew Ken had been through so much. I should never have spent all those years laughing at his expense, saying that he was either too much of a puss for never making move on Barbie or he never wanted to cause he was too busy lusting after the Batman action figure.
And so I shed a tear :,(
March 10th, 2009 at 12:16 pm
I had a Ken doll once and he was booooooooooring. No hair to comb, no fancy clothes to put on and he wouldn’t fit in any Barbie vehicle or furniture. He’s a piece of crap. If Barbie had some genitals (Ken’s not the only one who’s doomed), I’d say she’s a lesbian.
March 10th, 2009 at 11:31 am
Grimlock is the man! And that little bitch Lindsey more than deserved the ‘“go fuck herself” by Ken. The man has obviously been through sheer hell.
Especially considering he has (had) no penis…
/rock on Ken..
//rock on!…
March 10th, 2009 at 11:31 am
That was hilarious, one of the funniest articles I’ve read.
March 10th, 2009 at 11:25 am
LOL
March 10th, 2009 at 11:25 am
Aw, now I feel bad for my old Ken doll. I too had about a million Barbies and one Ken who would marry them all and kiss them and even have sex with them (or rather lie on top of Barbie naked in the bed, I didn’t know sex involved actual movement of any kind). Great article!
March 10th, 2009 at 11:23 am
if only he knew how awesome it was to have someone else play with it. that is of course assuming that he or she was willing to risk and elevated chance of getting throat cancer
March 10th, 2009 at 11:21 am
Inspiring! What else can I say?
March 10th, 2009 at 11:10 am
lol
Stupid Ken, my Action Man (GI joe in u.s.a) would kick your arse..
March 10th, 2009 at 11:09 am
I feel sorta bad now. I always made my Barbies a martial arts action team (a la Tarantino), but Ken and Ken with highlights was always the debonair villains. And I totally had that starchy tux in the pic above for Ken (and Ken with highlights).
March 10th, 2009 at 11:03 am
What?! No… it’s comedy…
And incredibly funny, poor Ken XD
March 10th, 2009 at 10:53 am
I’m confused, could Ken talk to real people?
I don’t know how dolls work as my mother was a hippie who forbade me from havingany due to the gross commercialism and oppression of women that Barbie represented.
March 10th, 2009 at 10:42 am
Brilliant, simply brilliant.
March 10th, 2009 at 10:33 am
Grimlock is so cool… Man this was funny
March 10th, 2009 at 10:28 am
hahahah…. very, very brilliantly-written article. and i got a ken doll just like that for my 7th birthday (i’m 23 now, if you must know)! except he had this neon-green shirt with road signs on it and these acid-washed jeans.
March 10th, 2009 at 10:26 am
Judd Nelson, who also didn’t have a penis. L O Fucking L
Bucholz i will now be reading your blogs, after DOB and Brockway first….
March 10th, 2009 at 10:17 am
I should not have read this while eating. I shot food everywhere laughing.
This is the funniest thing on Cracked since Bizarre Animal Mating Rituals.
Awesome.
March 10th, 2009 at 9:56 am
This is one of the funniest things I have ever read. Definitely the funniest article.
March 10th, 2009 at 9:46 am
This and Joaquin Phoenix’s Crazy Diary are easily contenders for the funniest blog on the site. My jaw hurts.
March 10th, 2009 at 9:43 am
I almost puked laughing at the first few entries. Did you have a sister, or is this pulled from your own memories of playing with your Barbies?
And Heather, I had the brunette Theresa doll, too. I married her off to my Brian doll (the brunette Ken). She was a dirty little whore, though. When my sister’s Barbie would go horseback riding, Theresa would sneak over and fuck Ken.
March 10th, 2009 at 9:35 am
So awesome. Just so awesome.
I would vote against a follow-up, but I would be in favour of a spin-off. . . I want to know what happened to Grimlock after he got Ken to safety.
Grimlock’s so cool
March 10th, 2009 at 9:17 am
Far out.
March 10th, 2009 at 9:07 am
Hah, that was awesome.
March 10th, 2009 at 9:01 am
“In you, Grimlock see way to make up for past youthful transgressions,”
This is the funniest thing I’ve read on Cracked in months. Awesome work Bucholz.
March 10th, 2009 at 8:58 am
Aw a happy ending!
I hope my highlighted haired Ken never felt that way. He functioned pretty well as he fathered at least 6 illegitimate children with Skipper and Midge which he explained to Barbie that they were his little brothers and sisters.
March 10th, 2009 at 8:22 am
Excellent
March 10th, 2009 at 8:21 am
I’d have to agree with the other commenters that this is a great story. My only disagreement is having you write a follow up. WHERE THE HELL COULD YOU IMPROVE?!?!?!. There is no way this could have been any better. Its only downhill from here…just retire now. Do you want to be the Quentin Tarantino of the blog world? Every subsequent blog being compared to your dickless Ken epiphany post…..an old and flabby Larry Holmes you are not. Just write a movie…they dont require fresh new ideas.
Your Friend,
S. Sparks
March 10th, 2009 at 8:09 am
You wouldn’t write shit like that if my avatar was here.
March 10th, 2009 at 8:02 am
man usually you suck but this was freaking hilarious. one of the best blogs out of all the writer’s so far.
March 10th, 2009 at 8:00 am
Now, every day, Lindsey finds Ken sitting next to the monitor at daddy’s computer, his once glazed smile replaced by a satisfied smirk.
She can’t work out why.
March 10th, 2009 at 7:59 am
“…but Grimlock wasn’t having any of that, and he bit Barbie right in the goddamned lag!”
Holy shit! Did he bite her in the leg or the vag? Come on Chris, the mystery is killing me!
March 10th, 2009 at 7:59 am
this article got me laughing so damn hard at work, hope noone hears. i’m totally passing this along on facebook!
March 10th, 2009 at 7:52 am
It’s like a journal of my own, except for the fake penis part, but yeah I have been playing with mine for days too!
March 10th, 2009 at 7:52 am
That was lovely, Chris, I really enjoyed reading it. It was funny too, but mostly just really nice to read through. Great job, man.
March 10th, 2009 at 7:50 am
I thought i was the only one who knew Judd Nelson didn’t have a penis?
March 10th, 2009 at 7:50 am
I really can’t believe how much I laughed at this. It is ridiculously funny.
March 10th, 2009 at 7:46 am
AMAZING!
I never read the blogs anymore, but this one is great!
March 10th, 2009 at 7:38 am
Once again, you prove yourself to be the greatest blogger on this website.
Side note: Whatever happened to Wolinsky?
March 10th, 2009 at 7:37 am
Singlehandedly better than everyone elses blog… EVER
March 10th, 2009 at 7:34 am
best article ever??
yes
March 10th, 2009 at 7:17 am
This is one of the best blog posts ever on cracked.
March 10th, 2009 at 7:08 am
That was long set up for a knob gag, but well worth it!
March 10th, 2009 at 7:07 am
last line, class
March 10th, 2009 at 7:02 am
This is even better than Toy Story!
March 10th, 2009 at 6:09 am
hahaha - that was freakin awesome
March 10th, 2009 at 6:01 am
A male cow with udders? Madness. although with today’s milk prices, I wouldn’t mind a set of udders.
March 10th, 2009 at 5:53 am
Bucholz this might be the greatest thing you’ve ever written, and you’ve written some pretty funny shit. Nice work man.
March 10th, 2009 at 5:21 am
Well done, hoser!
March 10th, 2009 at 5:20 am
This as fucking brilliant! Nice work Bucholz
March 10th, 2009 at 5:12 am
i laughed…
very funny article…
March 10th, 2009 at 4:56 am
well done.
i think it was including grimlock that pushed it over the top.
i think we need a sequal….. with baron karza along for the ride.
March 10th, 2009 at 4:53 am
lol this is definitely one of the best cracked articles i have read in a long time, keep it up
March 10th, 2009 at 4:51 am
Hey guys, Ken here.
I just want to leave a short message:
Grimlock and i gonna marry next sunday. It turns out that both of us were gay. I think it’s because of the whole pink theme thing and my suppressed feelings about my gender. I feel save when i’m arround with Grimlock. Anyway. Barbie: Go f*ck yourself
March 10th, 2009 at 4:51 am
When I played with Barbies as a kid, it always bothered me that Ken didn’t have a penis, or that Barbie didn’t have nipples. I wound up drawing nipples on her and making a silly putty penis for Ken, then putting underwear over him.
My Ken doll was actually named Lance because that was a much cooler name to me. He was a mad scientist and his wife was actually the brunette Theresa doll, and she was his test subject and lab assistant. Together, they created permanent make up and this strange concoction that constantly kept their eyes full of tears so they never had to close them. (Me trying to justify why Barbie never had to wash her makeup off and that they never closed their eyes) Sometimes they were abducted by aliens and living on a spaceship for long periods of time (which I built out of legos).
March 10th, 2009 at 4:46 am
Truly a great article! I would love to read more. In my opinion the whole “Ken and Barbie” thing its kinda weird. I mean: Why is there just one guy but plenty of other bitches with strange hobbys. It’s a women made curse…. Stuck in the middle of those dolls with no genitals. poor guy
March 10th, 2009 at 4:41 am
I remember fucking a barbie once. I knew she’d enjoy it, because Ken doesn’t have a penis and can’t fulfil her needs. So yeah, basically I rule.
March 10th, 2009 at 4:32 am
This is bullshit - dolls that can’t move, but they can drink 7&7’s at the bar. Give me a break. That is so unrealistic.
March 10th, 2009 at 4:29 am
Yeah, my sister and I used to correct Ken’s deficiency with play dough/modeling clay. That Lindsey is an unfeeling bitch who cares nothing about her dolls’ feeling.
Continuing in the grand tradition of willful anatomical ignorance is Nickelodeon’s “Back at the Barnyard”. A CGI show where the male cow has an udder prominently displayed at all times.
March 10th, 2009 at 4:25 am
great article, though I would like to read ken’s book, it sounds interesting.
March 10th, 2009 at 4:18 am
Excellent!
March 10th, 2009 at 4:17 am
Also, I wanna have a go at the book he was writing.
March 10th, 2009 at 4:17 am
Love that. Should’ve ended: “Fuck, turns out Barbie has no genitals either”
Ha ha
March 10th, 2009 at 4:01 am
This is brilliant! Trying to keep a straight face while reading at work was impossible.
March 10th, 2009 at 4:00 am
fucking great article
March 10th, 2009 at 3:55 am
damn. poor ken.
makes me feel bad for my old ken doll now. although he only ever married one barbie….i wasn’t too into the polygamy thing.
March 10th, 2009 at 3:52 am
wow a whole half inch #sniff# one of these days
March 10th, 2009 at 3:50 am
that is beyond awesome. I was only mentioning grimlock to my girlfriend the other day, she had no clue as to who he was. good article tho.
March 10th, 2009 at 3:50 am
That was beautiful, have you though about adapting it into a screenplay?
March 10th, 2009 at 3:48 am
So Play-Doh can be used to increase the size of one’s genitals? That’s good to know…
March 10th, 2009 at 3:44 am
Well it was really depressing at the beginning, but wow! What a happy ending.
March 10th, 2009 at 3:43 am
Dude this is without a DOUBT the best post I have ever seen from Bucholz. No doubt at all. Well done sir. The part with the deaf dude who lost his junk was taking a comediac theory to its absolute breaking point, and you executed it flawlessly. Your best post to date. Thank you sir.
March 10th, 2009 at 3:42 am
hahaha your penis is missing
March 10th, 2009 at 3:42 am
Nice story and good writing..
Also:
“Lithium Says:
March 10th, 2009 at 3:22 am
First! Now I”ll actually read the article.”
Nobody cares, silly.
March 10th, 2009 at 3:41 am
I remember when I saw a naked Ken doll for the first time when I was five. It was confusing and horrifying. I didn’t know about censorship and stuff like that back then. I then made it my mission to show all girls what boys really looked like down there. After the therapy sessions and receiving the scorn of parents everywhere, I became a confused secluded mess. Ken didn’t have a dong, or any other action figure or doll for that matter, and I was troubled? And what’s with cartoons not being anatomically correct? Tom and Jerry, Bugs Bunny, Porky Pig, The Fox and the Hound, The Lion King, Abu on Alladin, every other cartoon animal or person for that matter, unless you count the realistic stuff from Asia.
March 10th, 2009 at 3:39 am
Reminded me alot of Toy Story. Also, Grimlock kicks ass.
March 10th, 2009 at 3:33 am
I cried a little.
March 10th, 2009 at 3:32 am
I’m seriously afraid of knowing where you guys get your ideas
March 10th, 2009 at 3:31 am
this was amazing, grimlock is the shit
March 10th, 2009 at 3:25 am
Wow. Just wow.
March 10th, 2009 at 3:22 am
First! Now I”ll actually read the article.