Unpopular Opinion Podcast: Do Kids Prove We're Doomed? 5 Terrifying Ways Police Can Legally Screw You Over 5 Types of Movie Adaptations That Must Be Stopped
Cracked Columnists

The Tour de France: The Worst Sport That's Worth Watching

Generally speaking, I like watching sports. I'll sit through extra innings in baseball, scoreless hockey games and, when nothing else is on, pool. Even if I have no personal investment in who comes out on top, there is something fundamentally appealing about witnessing an entire lifetime of practice and struggle culminate in achievement. Somebody has to win, and success, much like sex, is fun to watch even if I'm not the one having it.

Though, ideally, I prefer a combination of the two.

The one exception to this rule is the Tour de France, an event I follow strictly to see people lose. The victories in the three-week race will never be as gratifying to witness as the failures. News recaps each night don't concentrate on stage winners or team tactics, they stick to the crashes and the controversy because after all the allegations of cheating, and all the riders' temper tantrums, and the inappropriate contract negotiations mid race, no one wants to see any of them win.

We want to see them fall.

As the race starts to resemble reality TV more than an athletic event, anyone with a casual interest in the Tour de France isn't watching to see how it goes, they are watching to see how it goes wrong. And it goes wrong all the time, in every direction. I like the Tour, but as long as the following four hunks of insanity are still predominant in the race, then the spectacle will always outweigh the sport and I will only watch for the disasters it consistently spits out.

#4. Doping

Baseball can take comfort at the NA meetings knowing that as close as it comes to rock bottom with performance-enhancing drugs, it will never sink as low as cycling. Drug use is so abundant in the Tour de France that it would be more difficult to point to riders who haven't been convicted or accused of doping than those who have. Each year, scandals overshadow the event as riders are kicked out for failing drug tests before turning around to accuse other riders until the controversy gets more coverage than the Tour. The whole thing feels like a witch hunt, except one where everyone actually is a witch, and they use their magic to ride bicycles really fast.

"C'mon, Dorothy, what are you? A pussy? Race me!"

This isn't a recent phenomenon either; the Tour de France has an illustrious history of incentivizing cheaters. During the first few years of the race, cyclists used ether and alcohol to dull the pain. In 1967, Tom Simpson was so full on amphetamines that he fell over dead at the top of a climb in the 13th stage, and in the last few years, riders have consistently been caught using EPO, HGH and steroids. It may seem absurd that they would choose to use enhancers they know Tour officials would test for, but it's also possible that, given the ubiquity of drug use among racers, they just forget they aren't allowed to do it.

The most bizarre and horrifying method for cheating, however, is also incredibly difficult to detect. Blood doping involves a transfusion of blood rich in red blood cells, either from a donor or from the racer himself, so that the blood oxygenates better while riding. It is also my worst nightmare. It works because the blood can be drawn months in advance and then frozen until the riders need it. Lance Armstrong was accused by former teammates of blood doping, but to date they're only allegations that still eat up time during the current Tour de France even though he's not even racing.

Drug abuse is so intrinsic to cycling that there will never be a year where it isn't the spotlight of the Tour. What's more, the constant accusations among rival riders and even teammates has deteriorated any camaraderie the sport once had, which makes everyone in the Tour hard to root for and also leads to a lot more ...

#3. Fights

Professional cyclists hate each other, and when they're not busy hating each other, they hate microphones and cameras and race officials. There is so much outspoken animosity among riders in the Tour de France, that calling it a rivalry sounds too benevolent. The primary reason behind all the bitterness is that most riders are pretty awful people to be around. Their egos are nurtured in a way that only cycling can; it's one of the only sports in which an entire team is built around helping one man succeed. The consequences of allowing one rider the power to use everyone else on his team like a pawn fosters some pretty unparalleled arrogance. Also, a lot of whining.

"Somebody pay attention to me."

In 2009, two of those riders found themselves on the same team, Lance Armstrong and Alberto Contador both rode for Astana and spent the whole time fighting ... with words.

Contador said, "My relationship with Lance Armstrong is nonexistent. Even if he is a great champion, I have never had admiration for him and I never will."

To which Armstrong responded, "There is no 'I' in 'team.' What did I say in March? Lots to learn. Restated."

And then the world said, "Jesus Christ, just ride your fucking bikes already."

The whole exchange came on the heels of a victory for team Astana which only solidified how petty and self-serving the argument was in the first place. Still, it was only one act in the massive drama of Tour riders hurling insults and their skinny little arms at one another. It's hard to feel bad for any of them knowing full well that a huge percentage are cheating anyway. And while it's rare to see any of them apologize or eat their words, there are still plenty of opportunities to see them eat asphalt instead, which is almost as gratifying.

  • Random

Recommended For Your Pleasure

Soren Bowie

  • Rss

More by Soren Bowie:

See More
To turn on reply notifications, click here

239 Comments

The Cracked Podcast

Choosing to "Like" Cracked has no side effects, so what's the worst that could happen?

The Weekly Hit List

Sit back... Relax... We'll do all the work.
Get a weekly update on the best at Cracked. Subscribe now!