TV talent competitions are generally regarded as the lowest shared experience of human society. It’s easy to think you’re better than someone who texts in their vote to American Idol, because you are. That person is going to die alone, and it will only make Adam Lambert stronger.
But if you get over yourself, these shows have the most genuine hilarity on TV. Watching desperate people volunteer to suck… it’s the greatest gift they can give us. True, unstaged failure is a joy for every part of the human mind. I’ve selected the 10 best from the premiere shows: X-Factor, America’s Got Talent, Britain’s Got Talent, American Idol and American Inventor.
What makes a great failure? Aside from a terrible performance, each audition has to tell a story. A story of delusion… of irrational dreams that slowly, slowly get crushed as the judging panel’s criticism eats through their fantasy world. It only sounds tragic on paper–when done properly, it’s like a comedy dream.
10. Dave Allen
Britain’s Got Talent
One of the things I love about America’s/Britain’s Got Talent is that they only allow magicians on if they’re terrible. And if the casting directors screw up and let a good magician on stage, the judges just fucking hate wizards anyway. If he knew this, he didn’t care, because magician Dave Allen comes to them with one trick: Duck to the Future. It’s a cannon with flames that shoots ducks through time. Which should be a big help for people trying to finally check off that last box on their scavenger hunt.
The trick fails in three ways: First, magic is supposed to make you wonder how it’s done. If a duck impossibly teleports across a room, I’m going to guess I’m dealing with a duck look-alike, not a violation of spacetime. So if Dave Allen came to me looking for credit for his duck shopping skills… kudos, asshole. You picked out two ducks that look like ducks. I would have been more impressed you hadn’t.
Second… Duck to the Future? Is that a pun? You can’t change the first letter AND the vowel sound in a pun. You might as well call it Magical to the Duck Trick-uture. Plus, what’s wrong with Quack to the Future? That only took me 15 seconds to come up with, and I’m not even a homo. Did this guy decide to kill ducks on stage after he lost his job as a birthday card writer?
Third, he straight-up blows it. In what must be the easiest trick ever conceived, he puts the duck into a box under a cannon, sets off a crappy bomb, then clumsily knocks the lock off the box. So by the time he walks across to the duck look-alike, the first one escapes, unimpressively still in the proper dimension. I never thought I’d say this, but I hope he’s having sex with these ducks, just so all of this isn’t a huge waste of their time.
To add insult to failure, it cuts to crowd shots of black people laughing at him. As a cultured reader, you of course know that black people calmly remaining near you is the international sign that you’re a shitty, shitty sorcerer. And I don’t even know what you call it if one of them is so unterrified that he then picks his nose.
YouTube - Prepare your soul for Duck Cannon
9. Ankar Judge
X-Factor
X-Factor is a singing competition in the U.K. that allows nutbars of all ages to try out. One of those nutbars is Ankar Judge, part-time singer and full-size World’s Shortest Man. He, in his own words, is as good as Michael Jackson, Daniel Bedingfield and George Michael. And there’s one thing you can count on when someone says something like that–it’s never not true.
Ankar performs “What About Us?” the song Michael Jackson wrote to make “Heal the World” sound more death metal. God rest Michael’s soul, his song “What About Us?” would have to grow 50 mustaches just to be considered tough enough for a breast pump commercial.
Ankar Judge spent years studying the sounds of two-year-olds dropping their ice cream, and has incorporated this into his music flawlessly. He sounds like a chipmunk’s vagina blowing its nose, and 80 percent of the lyrics is whine. Then, without warning or reason, he starts muttering to himself and jogs backwards to throw himself into the X-Factor backdrop.
It’s crazy. Not only because it’s a weird thing to do during a song about skinning your elbow at the pillow factory, but I know enough about religion to know that if a little foreign man starts chittering something under his breath and backing away from an X on the floor, there’s a seriously good chance that the Destructor is about to emerge from the rune circle.
Ankar, after interrupting his own song, stutters as he walks back to his mark, apologizing for thinking it was a real wall. The judges are stunned. But Ankar isn’t the type to give up just because there’s a 30 second pause in the music and a conversation has started. Arms outstretched… KNEE PLANT! He smacks into the floor with such an incredible impact that I think he has metal kneecaps and the auditions are being held on a giant electromagnet.
The judges again are stunned. For 10 seconds, they talk about how much it must have hurt. Apparently, this is all part of the song because he tells them, “It really doesn’t hurt.” Now, after all this, you’d think he’d stop. But hell, why not sing the rest? So he closes his eyes… finds his womanly center… and finishes. Too bad the only thing left in the song is half a second of “nnnnghhhhh.” By the time he got to it, it had so little to do with what was going on that if he was just laying an egg, it would be less stupid.
Ankar has a method–stick to the plan even after everything’s gone to hell. And before he came in, he had the most awesome catchphrase worked out. Yes, he already had his singing career planned all the way up to his marketing catchphrase. Unfortunately, like his performance, he kind of fucked it up. He huffs off saying, “There’s only one judge!”
Simon Cowell is a master of squeezing every little bit of crazy out of a person, so he asked “Who’s that?” Ankar shouts from far off camera, “That’s me! Ankar Judge!”
OK, so he screwed that up. Luckily, cameras captured his second attempt: “Don’t judge the judge please! Because there is only one judge… because my name is Mr. Ankar Judge.” I think it’s pretty catchy.
YouTube - Don’t Judge the Judge. Please.
8. Mary Roach
American Idol
When we first meet Mary Roach, she calls her vocal style “Pop Rock meets Broadway meets Jazz and R&B–a very unique combination of all the three.” So we know this unfortunately shaped woman isn’t a math scientist, or the world’s greatest explainer. I, however, have won multiple explaining awards and am happy to prove it by saying that she looks like Charlie Brown fell out of an airplane with a plastic surgeon and they quickly decided that if Charlie Brown was about to smash into the ground, he should do so as a woman.
After a vigorous warm up, she sang “I Feel the Earth Move,” as performed by a chimpanzee neck losing a fight to a boa constrictor, only sadder. Luckily, she enhanced her vocals with the art of dance… a very unique combination of seven things: gluing your feet to the floor and begging a mob of villagers to stop throwing rocks. She also had a move almost like a nervous tick where she pressed both hands into her left hip. It’s as if the dance was so weird that it was putting a strain on an organ humans don’t even have.
When the judges were unmoved by her performance and my award-winning description of it being the sputtering death throes of a flesh golem in the wrong size pants, she had an easy solution: She could just sing in one of her many other voices. The problem is, those other voices were too busy clawing against the inside of her brain to sing, or to tell her it was over. So she instead started nervously babbling about how great she did. You could almost see Reality crouched behind her, inching in for the right moment to attack.
As is their nature, crazy people deal with rejection in unpredictable ways.
In her emotional breakdown, she issued a threat to the world that she may give up a singing career completely. And in what might also be a threat, she angrily settles on styling hair because that’s what she’s good at. The following analogy failed to even place in the regional analogue-offs, but I’m still going to use it: That threat is like someone with irritable bowel syndrome and a dog named XYZLPLP saying, “Fine! I guess I won’t pursue a career in sitting on wedding cakes! I’ll go back to naming dogs because that’s what I’m good at!”
YouTube - Mary Roach, but she’ll change it to Guilbeaux if she makes it to Hollywood. It has more “Star Quality.”
7. Dennis Keith
America’s Got Talent
Magic has been waging war against gravity for years, and Dennis Keith has been drafted into it. He tells the judges, “I will demonstrate for you! My ability! In the art! Of self-levitation!” The only problem is that he’s too fat to self-levitate without an assistant, and wait there’s a second problem:
No amount of prestidigitation is a match for a lifetime of doughnut abuse. Dennis lays down between two folding chairs, and when his assistant pulls one out from under him… ta da-WHAM! Thanks for being a dick, science: fat people still can’t fly. Maybe the magic part is that his lungs didn’t liquefy when his torso slammed into the stage with the force of a thousand exploding hams.
YouTube - This Just In: Fat Idiot Levitates Badly
6. Hector Ortega
American Inventor
The contestants on American Inventor are a unique kind of failure. On American Idol, the kids are relatable. We’ve all pictured being a rock star, and it only takes one boy band video to support the theory that anyone can do it. Even if you’ve never hit a note in your life, there’s a five minute window during anyone’s childhood where you’d try out for American Idol AND expect to win. American Inventor isn’t like that.
These people have been stewing in their own crazy for decades, driven by pet rock dreams. Right now, someone out there is making a helmet that screams for up to three kinds of help or a cannon that no duck can escape, and nothing in the world will convince them that they’re not holding the patent this generation’s cotton gin. Hector Ortega is that kind of man.
The years of inventing have not been kind to Hector Ortega. If local police ever get a report of Christopher Walken’s week-old corpse rising from the grave, Hector Ortega will be shot on sight. Luckily, with the Bladder Buddy he invented, he can piss his pants discretely. It’s the bathroom you carry with you!
The Bladder Buddy combines a suit carrier and pissing in a bag for an exciting public urination experience. It’s a simple 917 step process. First, you have it with you. Next, you pull the Bladder Buddy out of its convenient tent bag. Third, apply it to your entire body. Finally, place your dick in a plastic bag and pee. With only your head exposed, it safely keeps your arms and hands trapped away from disgusted, punching onlookers.
Cleanup is a snap too! Simply store whatever urine made it into the bag in your hand while you begin the fun process of removing and refolding the Bladder Buddy. Oh, and ladies, he’s thought of you too! Why walk all the way to the bathroom in those high heels when you can jam a paper funnel up in there and piss in a plastic cocoon where you stand? You filthy bitch!
Sadly, they didn’t let Hector and his piss bag through. But I imagine on the way home, while shitting out the window of his moving car, he had his greatest idea yet: Autopants–The Toilet You Wear. It also holds two drinks and charges with a cigarette lighter. Sorry ladies, funnel attachment not included.
YouTube - Blah! Bladda Buddy! Blah!
Tune in Next Thursday for the gripping Top Five conclusion!
This entry was posted on Thursday, July 2nd, 2009 at 4:00 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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September 6th, 2009 at 11:06 am
I could feel the awkwardness in the air while watching the Bladder Buddy video… Especially when he showed the female version.
And the article didn’t even mention that the is a dental hygenist of all things. He deals with cleanliness and mouths, two things that should never have any relation to something called a “Bladder Buddy”…
August 11th, 2009 at 3:18 am
@grackle
So, you think the audience wouldn’t have laughed if it wasn’t intentional? Comedian or not, that’s just a bad argument.
August 10th, 2009 at 12:16 pm
You do know that there are black people who read these columns as well, don’t you? I love Cracked and I’m black. (No pun intended.)
August 5th, 2009 at 2:37 am
that last one had some oddly humorous looks from the judges.. specially the last one. As I’d said in the video at 0:52 the judge has a look of “excuse me? Are you high dude?”
August 1st, 2009 at 8:24 am
Dennis Keith is a comedian; the failed levitation is part of his act. Did you notice how the audience laughed when that happened?
July 31st, 2009 at 8:02 pm
[...] 5 Glorious Failures in TV Talent Show Auditions [...]
July 23rd, 2009 at 10:56 am
OMFG, that was too damn funny! I love it when people try to lie their asses off right from the start, apparently just to convince themselves they arent full of shit, lol. definitely a good read Seanbaby, as always!
July 20th, 2009 at 3:55 pm
Even though I’m aware that the socially and musically inept make for good watching in the same way that a car crash makes for inescapable viewing. Why must Britain humiliate itself in such a way. America has a population that’s like 5 times larger than ours and yet we churn out equivalent fequencies of fucktards. Just plain old muh’ fuckin’ what?
July 19th, 2009 at 7:10 pm
OMFG i cant stop ROFLMAO!!! Seanbaby You are the king! THOOOM!! Classic! Ahem, btw sorry to the real life people that im laughing at right now, but doing something that ridiculous on national TV, you cant really say you didnt expect people to LOL at you.
July 17th, 2009 at 3:43 pm
I know Ms. Roach in person.
She performed on the show as a joke. Well, at least that’s what she says.
July 15th, 2009 at 6:45 pm
I know barely anybody made a big deal about it but I’m here to defend Seanbaby and say yes, we black people scare easier. I can point where this stereotype came about:
David Blaine’s first special.
That came on when the Internet was still slow and people watched TV in the evening. A lot of people saw us running away when Blaine did some crazy trick and IT WAS FUNNY!
Stereotypes and off color humor are fun.
I for one am GLAD that RAPE RAPE humor is on the rise! God, remember when RAPE RAPE jokes were taboo? If I couldn’t make jokes about RAPE RAPE I don’t know what I would do.
@korilian
GET BENT.
July 13th, 2009 at 12:30 am
The Bladder Buddy is even worse than BulletBall.
July 10th, 2009 at 10:40 am
I don’t give a FUCK, I would rock that Mary Roach bitches world like a 7.1 in L.A. mothersuckers! Sure, she’s not all that much on looks, but hell! Neither am I, so my standards have to be a little bit low, like sixes and sevens, and to me? a 6-7 on the fugly scale is all Perfect 10 to me, baby! Crazy bitches are wild in the sack, make your testicles explode, plus… she looks STD free, and that’s all I gotta here to throw away the Jimmy strap, no paperwork needed!
She just needs a good dicking to fuck the bitch outta her, and it may clear up that greasy skin of hers.
Anyone know her number? Seanbaby, I know you have it you sly dog. What are them digits?
July 9th, 2009 at 9:07 pm
This article is hilarious!
Great work, Seanbaby.
Keep writing.
July 9th, 2009 at 11:24 am
What were you expecting? Seanbaby to have secured bootleg footage of Broadway and London’s West End audition footage gone awry?
I admit that would be awesome, but I’d probably care less than reality tv, which is already a fantasically undermocked circus.
July 8th, 2009 at 3:20 pm
you said show auditions, instead you feed us lame american idol crap
July 8th, 2009 at 12:51 pm
Ok, Ankar Judge and Mary Roach are obviously mentally ill (Ankar more so). This last bit is for Anonymous: Kudos, good sir…kudos. I laughed at your comment, and I cried. Well, just laughed, really.
July 8th, 2009 at 8:40 am
Recently, I discovered a hot place — SeekTall. C o m — where many sexy tall singles and models who like talking about fashion and love there. I’m an open minded girl from US, I also like playing with tall guys on it.
July 8th, 2009 at 8:37 am
this was great, best thing on here since the mma moments. i read every single thing on your site years ago, now your on cracked.com, what a trip. you and swaim kill it on this site seanbaby!!
come look at my short film “connish ways” on youtube i’d love to get your opinion
July 8th, 2009 at 1:25 am
I must say mr. baby that part about the black people in the first entry was genius.
I completely understand how black people not being terrified of a magician would make said magician a laughingstock.
one of the more common stereotypes about us is that while non-black ppl feel no fear when in the presence of magicians, we shit our pants whenever a rabbit gets pulled out of a hat.
Good job on referring, quite eloquently, to the black people as “one of them”; that was funny as hell.
I’m still laughing; you funny motherfucker, you.
July 7th, 2009 at 8:32 am
Looking forward to the top 5!
July 6th, 2009 at 9:32 pm
Also, did anyone else notice Mary Roach’s massive camel toe? She’s the complete package alright…
July 6th, 2009 at 9:27 pm
Pure comedy gold. Well done Seanbaby. Well done indeed. So funny I wish I’d had some of those sweet sweet ‘Autopants’ I’ve been hearing so much about!
July 6th, 2009 at 9:23 pm
God I hope Urban Action Figure is on the list…That was the greatest shit ever. “For my audition, I shall render myself unconscious and possibly crippled!”
July 6th, 2009 at 5:12 pm
B l a c k W h i t e L o v i n g-c O m. LOL,,,are you kidding me? Who looks at that trash!!!??
July 6th, 2009 at 4:46 pm
I found a great site “”"”"B l a c k W h i t e L o v i n g-c O m “”"”"” It ’s where you have the opportunity dreaming about dating a sexy beauties and even hot celebs and make it true!
July 6th, 2009 at 3:05 pm
LOOOOOOOL “and im not even a homo”
July 6th, 2009 at 2:11 am
I love the autopants, was that a reference to airport pants in your terrorism article?
Seanbaby, you must include Marc Griffin! He went onto American Inventor and introduced the world to bulletball, a rip off of air hockey and table tennis, and a piece of shit. He wasted twenty six years of his shit life making this and lost everything! Even if you already have the article written up without Griffin, rewrite it!
Thanks for all the free entertainment over the years! You beat all the other written humorists: jaypinkerton, maddox, ninjapirate, et cetera cannot compare to you.
July 5th, 2009 at 6:53 pm
Seanbaby is hit or miss. This article is a major miss.
July 5th, 2009 at 4:18 pm
Good old Cracked stuff. Laugh while the economy is getting better! Fun videos I found “Never Too Broke to Joke” http://tv1.com/playlists/104
July 5th, 2009 at 12:17 pm
Wow! I am impressed at the research. Hmm, go to youtube and enter bad talent show audtions and your work is done.
Maybe cracked can do a 5 really lazy articles we’ve ran.
July 5th, 2009 at 9:09 am
Good stuff! Guys! You should check out__ MatchRich.com __where you can meet the wealthy singles, sexy beauties and even hot celebs. Hook up sexy partner easier and more effective! What are you waiting for? Just Sign up and hook up the sexy beauties now!
July 5th, 2009 at 1:09 am
[...] have watched just a handful of episodes. Nevertheless, thanks to Cracked’s great list of the 10 most glorious failures in TV talent shows I am back in the business. This week come the first 5 participants, next week [...]
July 5th, 2009 at 1:03 am
Excellent article. I burst out laughing many, many times.
You’re an aticulate, imaginative little bugger.
Keep writing!
July 4th, 2009 at 2:50 pm
I laughed my butt off at the “magicians” getting owned by their own props and thinking they can get their lard ass hovering! Excellent article.
July 4th, 2009 at 1:36 pm
that was great. only internet writer that can consistantly make me lol
July 4th, 2009 at 8:49 am
Bravo, Seanbaby!
Once again, you are the man.
July 4th, 2009 at 5:37 am
“Maybe the magic part is that his lungs didn’t liquefy when his torso slammed into the stage with the force of a thousand exploding hams.”
That was absolutely hilarious, seanbaby you are an awesome writer. Please never stop writing comedy.
July 4th, 2009 at 4:16 am
lol, ok I’m now a fan of seanbaby. And Domino the gene-splitting duck
July 3rd, 2009 at 6:18 pm
The one where the guy shot is buddy on America’s got Talent with an arrow was fake. It was a commercial. I didn’t think anyone actually believed that. Guess I was wrong.
July 3rd, 2009 at 3:25 pm
So are these Next Top Blank gameshows required to have at least one British person on their judges panel or something?
July 3rd, 2009 at 1:51 pm
that was great hahaha loved the fat man failing at levitation
July 3rd, 2009 at 1:06 pm
I actually thought Ortega looked like Barney Fife when I watched the clip, but yeah, he does look like Christopher Walken or William DaFoe too.
I remember watching that episode on TV. Horrendous.
Great article.
July 3rd, 2009 at 12:27 pm
Geez people, if you don’t like Seanbaby’s writings, just stop reading them. No need for the pointless insults.
July 3rd, 2009 at 10:32 am
The #1 has to be the guy who shot his friend in the head with an arrow on America’s Got Talent.
July 3rd, 2009 at 9:03 am
“It’s as if the dance was so weird that it was putting a strain on an organ humans don’t even have.”
“Maybe the magic part is that his lungs didn’t liquefy when his torso slammed into the stage with the force of a thousand exploding hams.”
Those two pieces of writing made me laugh for a good few minutes. I enjoyed the rest of it, but they were the stand-outs for me. Keep it up.
July 3rd, 2009 at 8:02 am
Sooooooo glad i live in England, away from these barely humans
July 3rd, 2009 at 7:50 am
“If local police ever get a report of Christopher Walken’s week-old corpse …”
Looking at him, my first thought was “Cancer-riddled Hank Azaria on heroin”.
July 3rd, 2009 at 7:41 am
I was so distracted by Ms. Roach’s camel toe that it took a while for her particular brand of crazy/lack of talent to sink in. “Wrong fitting pants” indeed.
Unfortunately, I work in a job where I regularly come into contact with people you don’t realize are total nutjobs until 3 minutes after the converation has started and it’s too late to extract yourself. I couldn’t finish the clip.
July 3rd, 2009 at 6:03 am
@Korilian: Black people also despise fried chicken, Asian women really CAN drive and Indians don’t drink. Really? Is “growing up” the art of pretending cultural differences don’t exist? I’m so glad there are people like you around to put internet comedy writers in their place.
July 3rd, 2009 at 5:06 am
I would not be surprised if instead of pursuing a singing career “the roach” becomes a serial killer. Look into those eyes! You know what you’re seeing? Batshit crazy. I think she mistook friends for the voices in her head. The only thing that would have made me laugh at ankar more is if was wearing a bladder buddy. Ortega…jesus man! Pisssing in a tent?! I don’t know any woman that would want to relieve herself in a flimsy paper funnel…including myself! Shamless…all of you should be damned ashamed of yourselves.
July 3rd, 2009 at 3:20 am
Very funny article, well written. I like your style, however, these aren’t real. It’s British tabloid culture doing what they do best. Selling complete bullshit to masses of people with IQ’s low enough to believe what they’re seeing.
When the fat soul-less producers were sitting around a table discussing what sells these days, someone noticed that people failing miserably is what really brings in the ratings. Hence the amount of ridiculous auditions plastered all over these shows.
I guarantee the judges practice their “slightly amused/can’t believe wat I’m seeing” looks in the mirror.
One of the many formulas in these horrible scripted reality TV shows.
another example of a typical formula is the angry English person: Anne Robinson, Gordon Ramsay, Simon Cowell, etc
July 3rd, 2009 at 3:10 am
“You write too much.”
“I’m too smart for the TV.”
“These is jokes, you is fail.”
I hate you, Cracked commentators. Seanbaby, we aight.
July 3rd, 2009 at 2:03 am
the fact that most of these are obviously done as jokes makes this article fail badly
July 3rd, 2009 at 12:56 am
I sure could go for a bladder buddy right now!
Uhhh…. uhh….
Never mind, I don’t need it anymore.
July 3rd, 2009 at 12:35 am
I never watch these kinds of shows as I find them tedious and there is the risk of getting a migraine from seeing simon cowell’s smug face, so this article was pretty meh for me. Meh, that is, right up to ‘on the way home, while shitting out the window of his moving car, he had his greatest idea yet’ which had me laughing loud enough to scare the cat away.
I am still grinning like an idiot as I type.
July 3rd, 2009 at 12:28 am
you write way too much useless shit in your lists
July 3rd, 2009 at 12:19 am
Negative commenters are a disease, a cancer on this website. You are a plague, and Seanbaby is the cure.
July 2nd, 2009 at 11:41 pm
“You could almost see Reality crouched behind her, inching in for the right moment to attack.”
HAHAHA- oh my god. seanbaby this whole article was hilarious. I think I might frame it an read it every night instead of saying my prayers.
July 2nd, 2009 at 10:47 pm
Oh God… That was fabulous…. truly magnificent. You Sir are great. Second only to DOB…. Keep up the great work
July 2nd, 2009 at 9:41 pm
we people like this in the world to make us seperate the normal from the not so normal. f#cking arsholes
July 2nd, 2009 at 8:33 pm
You can see a longer version of the levitation “fail” routine on youtube; IMO it’s still only about 10 seconds worth of funny.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=has2XBLhCJM
July 2nd, 2009 at 8:12 pm
If it wasn’t for cracked, I wouldn’t have heard about
http://www.islammeet.com
either. And I would have been fucking happier for it. I hope cracked makes spambots on your niche dating sites, you asswipes!
Also, smashing article.
July 2nd, 2009 at 8:09 pm
“Maybe the magic part is that his lungs didn’t liquefy when his torso slammed into the stage with the force of a thousand exploding hams.”
as per usual, I laughed until my ribcage fell out. Somehow you manage to do it everytime.
July 2nd, 2009 at 7:58 pm
I wish thie went to 10, good god Seanbaby, this was hysterical. Up there with my two favroite cracked articels: The 70 vs 80’s Sex off and the Top 10 Sex Resumes. You kick ass!
July 2nd, 2009 at 7:52 pm
“I tried it once in front of a bus stop in my neighborhood… The people who were waiting at the bus stop, they knew I was doing something out of the ordinary.” *Awkward Smile*-Hector Ortega
Seanbaby, you have been on a roll lately, your last 5 post have been hilarious.
July 2nd, 2009 at 7:15 pm
Is it wrong for a man to have a sugar baby or a woman to have sugar daddy??
It is an absolutely extramarital relationship, but more and more services came out on Internet focusing on this kind of relationship.
such as ^-^ —–SugarDaddyChat.com ^-^
it’s the biggest sugar dating site for beautiful woman and rich man!
July 2nd, 2009 at 6:57 pm
Mary Roach should change her name to Camille Teuax instead.
You rock seanbaby. Your articles are the only ones on Cracked that get a laugh out of me anymore.
July 2nd, 2009 at 6:47 pm
I actually feel a little sorry about the duck guy… Sorry about that. Because otherwise, it’s sooooooooooooooooo great to see retarted people realizing just how retarded they are.
July 2nd, 2009 at 6:36 pm
I laughed so hard at this article my dad asked me if I had a dog in my room. Not sure how the fuck that happened, but it did. Seanbaby is king.
July 2nd, 2009 at 6:23 pm
Nothing beats laughing at idiots.
July 2nd, 2009 at 6:05 pm
Marc Griffin must be number one.
He spent 26 years working on a cheap wooden table and a ping-pong ball. By the time American Inventor started, he had sold everything, including his wife’s wedding ring, and was living out of his car.
He also sang a funny rap song!
July 2nd, 2009 at 5:52 pm
The explanation for mary roach’s hip move cracked me up.
July 2nd, 2009 at 5:50 pm
I cannot even imagine a form of entertainment less appealing than those idiotic talent shows. Yet, despite my antipathy, you still got me laughing about them.
I think I like your articles about as much as David Wong’s. Keep up the good work.
July 2nd, 2009 at 5:33 pm
I love you.
You have alot to live up to, it will be hard to top Count Bladdula, but I think you can do it!
Best of luck
July 2nd, 2009 at 5:20 pm
Oh My God that was hysterical. I loved the sound effect on #7 - “THOOOOOM!” I laughed until I cried!
July 2nd, 2009 at 4:59 pm
Without Cracked.com. I wouldnt have found out about
~~~IslamMeet.com~~~
Thanks CRACKED!
July 2nd, 2009 at 4:59 pm
I feel like such a d-bag for signing up just to post a comment on this article, but eh, I’ve had a few beers. Anyway…
I hate, hate, hate watching the embarrassing audition episodes of reality shows, but I usually enjoy the hell out of Seanbaby’s articles even though I have no interest in the subjects. (Exception: the Sims article. It was just okay.) And I’m not gonna pass judgment on his eternal soul, or anything, but I laughed so hard at this one I’m going to risk being an annoying jerk and try to make my friends read it so I won’t be sitting here by myself laughing like a maniac.
Thanks, Seanbaby! In keeping with a recurring theme in this comment section, if you and Swaim wanted to have a baby, I would totally volunteer to be the surrogate! Or hold the camera.
July 2nd, 2009 at 4:50 pm
another great article sb
July 2nd, 2009 at 4:11 pm
Funnel? …I don’t think I want to click the link to find out if he just expects women to aim for the wide end, or if he’s ignorant enough to think pee comes out the vagina and expects the mouth of the funnel to be shoved up there.
July 2nd, 2009 at 4:01 pm
This has to be one of the greatest articles in Cracked history. I cried like Michael Richards at a NWA concert. Classic
July 2nd, 2009 at 3:57 pm
This is the first time in months that I’ve laughed out loud at a cracked article. Well done, sir. Well done indeed.
July 2nd, 2009 at 3:13 pm
That was glorious. Thankyou for exploiting these people’s humiliation for my own enjoyment. I feel so much better about myself now.
July 2nd, 2009 at 2:56 pm
I almost needed a bladder buddy while reading this - I laughed so hard I nearly wet myself.
July 2nd, 2009 at 2:53 pm
Seanbaby is the best writer ever. Seanbaby is the biggest fucking pile of suck that ever sucked. How the fuck is this guy writing for Cracked? How the fuck is anyone else writing for Cracked with Seanbaby around? Typical shitty-ass, worthless comments. “This sucks, this rules, this sucks, this rules, this rules, this rules, this sucks”. Shut the fuck up, you goddam retards!
PS–reality shows are rigged.
July 2nd, 2009 at 2:19 pm
I have no idea how this guy is still working for cracked. They seriously need to fire him and hire Ian Fortey or someone else who knows how to write.I don’t even know why I read that.
July 2nd, 2009 at 1:50 pm
Oooohhhh, cliffhanger!
July 2nd, 2009 at 1:44 pm
[...] 5 Glorious Failures in TV Talent Show Auditions [Cracked] [...]
July 2nd, 2009 at 1:41 pm
“As a cultured reader, you of course know that black people calmly remaining near you is the international sign that you’re a shitty, shitty sorcerer.”
Dude don’t go there. It doesn’t make you sound edgy. It makes you sound like a jackass. Grow up.
July 2nd, 2009 at 1:37 pm
“… while shitting out the window of his moving car” HAHAHA! failure is so much fun.
July 2nd, 2009 at 1:34 pm
This is easily in my cracked.com top 10.
July 2nd, 2009 at 1:10 pm
“That threat is like someone with irritable bowel syndrome and a dog named XYZLPLP saying, ‘Fine! I guess I won’t pursue a career in sitting on wedding cakes! I’ll go back to naming dogs because that’s what I’m good at!’”
Best. Analogy. EVER.
July 2nd, 2009 at 1:08 pm
My brother normally hates Cracked. He doesn’t like reading the articles (he made me tl;dr the whole thing) but he and I had a great laugh over the videos and the comics you put up. Ummm… I do want to ask if, next time, you can just embed the videos. It’s just easier.
July 2nd, 2009 at 12:59 pm
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July 2nd, 2009 at 12:27 pm
If I had to pick a reality show audition failure it would definitely be this one
http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=613_1244814405&c=1
watch at your own risk
July 2nd, 2009 at 12:23 pm
Who was that hideous fat guy who was an impresario of boy bands only it turned out he was boning all of them? No, not seanbaby, a different guy. One of the idiots from N-synch wrote a book about how he had to suck this guy’s cock in order to make it big.
July 2nd, 2009 at 12:18 pm
Dude, Seanbaby, I lol’d with a sandwich in my mouth, while sitting at my desk. Not cool, man.
This article made me laugh out loud several times. Kudos.
And Alex: I think Seanbaby’s style is pretty similar to several other writers on Cracked. Very verbose and over-the-top descriptions of things? C’mon. Anyway, to each their own.
July 2nd, 2009 at 12:17 pm
WTF!!!
~~talk about seriously screw up in the head!!!
July 2nd, 2009 at 12:06 pm
Seen many but this one is so funny.
July 2nd, 2009 at 12:06 pm
Nicely done Sean! Very funny!
However, you do realize that reality shows are scripted and these people are paid actors/actresses right? Just checking
July 2nd, 2009 at 11:53 am
I don’t know what it is, but I just can’t get into Seanbaby’s writing style. It’s just not funny to me, and he doesn’t really seem to fit in with the other Cracked columnists.
July 2nd, 2009 at 11:52 am
Anyone who can’t appreciate Seanbaby’s humor would be far better served somewhere where people still make Chuck Norris jokes. Like the Photoshop Contest forum.
That said, Seanbaby can suck a dick for turning in half an article this week. You lazy, hilarious bastard.
July 2nd, 2009 at 11:49 am
Dude, you’re one of the few Internet writers who make me jealous. This article was absolutely brilliant. Keep it up!
July 2nd, 2009 at 11:45 am
“Honestly this seanbaby guy sucks.”
QFT
July 2nd, 2009 at 11:45 am
god damnit if seanbaby isn’t quickly becoming my favorite columnist.
July 2nd, 2009 at 11:44 am
I take it back I just lol’d.
July 2nd, 2009 at 11:35 am
funny clips. Really lame commentary. Honestly this seanbaby guy sucks.
July 2nd, 2009 at 11:16 am
“If local police ever get a report of Christopher Walken’s week-old corpse rising from the grave, Hector Ortega will be shot on sight.” brilliant
July 2nd, 2009 at 11:12 am
Failure. Beautiful failure.
You really should have included this little peach though: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I4pIRMWlXPw&feature=related
Mental woman.
July 2nd, 2009 at 11:02 am
” or a cannon that no duck can escape,” HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Speaking of that duck it could have only been better if it would have shit on the stage.
And that Roach chic was scarily similar to a chic I had sex with one time. ( Hey, don’t judge, I was drunk a lot back then )
July 2nd, 2009 at 11:01 am
WOW! This was one of the best entries ever. Your descriptions were more funny than the videos.
Great Job!
July 2nd, 2009 at 10:58 am
thanks sean! you’ve just saved me from committing suicide, from now on i’ll just watch these videos and know that i’m not the world’s greatest failure.
July 2nd, 2009 at 10:43 am
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zFx2hSkuWk8
Somehow i stumbled upon this.
I’m scared.
July 2nd, 2009 at 10:42 am
Absolutely hilarious as always. I only wish Cracked had a few Seanbaby clones so I didn’t have to wade through DOB’s political bullshit and other lesser writers to get to the good stuff.
July 2nd, 2009 at 10:38 am
Mr. Greengoddess was on America’s Got Talent last season with the Puppet People. They didn’t win a million dollars because their act was retarded. True story.
I was relieved not to see him on the list, but I see I’ll have to wait until next week to find out if he made the top five….
July 2nd, 2009 at 10:33 am
Fantastic! The audition portion of talent shows are always fabulous. Especially loved #9 falling down while trying act out the music video! (although, that song is called “Earth Song”, not “What About Us”)
July 2nd, 2009 at 10:29 am
Amazing article yet again, seanbaby. Had me laughing the whole time.
July 2nd, 2009 at 10:27 am
Failure is funny
July 2nd, 2009 at 10:20 am
“That person is going to die alone, and it will only make Adam Lambert stronger”
Fucking A that’s hilarious.
July 2nd, 2009 at 10:08 am
Stop pretending you’re some sort of magical uberman’s dick. For the love of all that is holy, you write articles for Cracked. If you were ever cool, those days have passed. Just give us the scoop and leave the “chicks and homos are dumb” stuff at the door with your Texan’s-butt-cheek-sized ego.
July 2nd, 2009 at 9:55 am
Dave Allen has a line of “instructional” DVD’s for professional magicians. Why the hell would anyone go on this show?
July 2nd, 2009 at 9:39 am
Good, but the descriptions weren’t that necessary when the videos themselves were very funny.
July 2nd, 2009 at 9:38 am
“Amazing. Really, the only reason I’ve ever watched American Idol/Inventor/’s Got Talent was to see the first round of crazy contestants. And the guy with the pissing suit was the VERY FIRST AUDITION of the first season. Now I gotta wait a whole week to get the top five. I hope he includes the fat guy that got inside a giant balloon for America’s Got Talent.”
Hey, I liked that fat guy. I almost pissed my pants laughing, especially when he got to that Oompa Loompa bit.
July 2nd, 2009 at 9:36 am
Isnt every TV talent show audition truely a failure… And i dont mean that literally everybody except the winner of the show fails, i mean in the way that people actually think they’re badass plate spinning or acapella version of “beat it” is entertaining and not just a means for us to bask in their humiliation and shame.
Good luck throwing darts for the last 5 picks, Seanbaby.
July 2nd, 2009 at 9:35 am
i read somewhere that Denis Keith (#7) is a con. He goes to shows like this and purposely does bad. I mean come one, who ACTUALLY tries to do that? But nonetheless, hilarious article.
July 2nd, 2009 at 9:35 am
That was hilarious, number 8 was just fantastic, the way that she smiled smugly at the end as if to say: “That singing I just did was fantastic, the judges will watch this footage, and come crawling back to me.” When in fact that was even worse than the standard singing. Not that I can sing, I sound like a Banshee which someone has force fed a Vacuum Cleaner, and then beat in the lungs with a crowbar before drowning it in mashed Spam. But at least I know that, and don’t think I’m good.
Considering how hard this lot failed, I can’t wait for next Thursday.
July 2nd, 2009 at 9:31 am
Brilliant yet again Seanbaby. Its funny that some people still don’t get your sense of humor, we call them retards. I am stealing your analogies and calling them my own.
July 2nd, 2009 at 8:55 am
Seanbaby, will you accept me as your disciple?
July 2nd, 2009 at 8:55 am
Maybe you know, the only 5 out of ten list is a joke in of itself?
July 2nd, 2009 at 8:53 am
This was amazing - one of the best articles I’ve read on cracked. Can’t wait for the conclusion - more articles like this!
July 2nd, 2009 at 8:49 am
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July 2nd, 2009 at 8:48 am
Anyone want to chip in to buy Seanbaby a new font?
July 2nd, 2009 at 8:41 am
I second that.
July 2nd, 2009 at 8:40 am
Are you guys retarded? It says right on the bottom in plain English: “Tune in Next Thursday for the gripping Top Five conclusion!”
Learn to read, D-BAGSES.
July 2nd, 2009 at 8:39 am
I am afraid Mary will jump out of my computer screen and murder me when I turn around.
July 2nd, 2009 at 8:38 am
It says 5 failures but counts down from ten…
are we to assume we get 5 more of these glorious failures?… I fuckin hope so.
July 2nd, 2009 at 8:35 am
Number 8 and Number 6 almost had me pissing in my little plastic suit.
July 2nd, 2009 at 8:31 am
Blah! Blah!
July 2nd, 2009 at 8:15 am
This article was fucking amazing
July 2nd, 2009 at 8:13 am
This is one of the funniest articles I’ve read in a long time. Hilarious. Keep up the good work. I always need something to do while I procrastinate. xxx
July 2nd, 2009 at 8:02 am
This article sucks because it’s not exactly the way I, a complete nobody alone in his room, think it should have been.
July 2nd, 2009 at 7:54 am
I’ve never heard of “American Inventor”. I thought “Pitchmen” already filled that hole.
@nabeshin55
First of all, your name is automatic pwnage. Second, it’s because Seanbaby has been writing and doing radio for like what, 10+ years now?
As I’ve said many times, Seanbaby, I will have your babies.
July 2nd, 2009 at 7:53 am
jesus h fucking christ man.. why do they continue to let this shit bag wannabe write articles… this is like the 10th one in a row that sucked nuts. Seanbaby… please give up, go back to McDonalds, they need you…
July 2nd, 2009 at 7:43 am
Damn this article was good! I would totally have your baby.
July 2nd, 2009 at 7:34 am
I am a huge fucking tool, and also, illiterate. I like to look for any tiny problem in an article so that I can be a dick about it.
Speaking of dicks, I like them. In my mouth and on my face.
July 2nd, 2009 at 7:24 am
“she looks like Charlie Brown fell out of an airplane with a plastic surgeon and they quickly decided that if Charlie Brown was about to smash into the ground, he should do so as a woman.”
you are truly the master of explaining
July 2nd, 2009 at 7:04 am
Holy shit this was good.
July 2nd, 2009 at 7:01 am
“I never thought I’d say this, but I hope he’s having sex with these ducks, just so all of this isn’t a huge waste of their time.”
I was laughing five-minutes straight at work after I read that line. This dude is truly the best cracked has right now. Keep up the good work sir.
July 2nd, 2009 at 7:00 am
“that only took me 15 seconds to come up with, and I’m not even a homo.”
Freaking hilarious.
July 2nd, 2009 at 6:55 am
“Tune in Next Thursday for the gripping Top Five conclusion!”
Idiots.
July 2nd, 2009 at 6:55 am
Ummmm…to those of you who are complaining about the numbering, he obviously did it on purpose; the last line in the article reads, “Tune in Next Thursday for the gripping Top Five conclusion!”
So, today we get 5 (numbers 10 - 6) and next week we get 5 (numbers 5 - 1). It’s not that difficult. Dr. Chaos might be right about one thing. Perhaps he did intend to do all 10 at once, but maybe it got so long that he decided to cut it up. But maybe he just planned a 2 part article.
July 2nd, 2009 at 6:55 am
“Tune in Next Thursday for the gripping Top Five conclusion!”
Literacy FTW!
July 2nd, 2009 at 6:53 am
Nice “Greg the Bunny” reference…
July 2nd, 2009 at 6:49 am
And here’s the forerunner baby… YEAH BABY!!! http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1292175/ Stay tuned… he’s in talks NOW!!!
July 2nd, 2009 at 6:46 am
At least learn to number your work in the right order. Or are you using the George Lucas method?
July 2nd, 2009 at 6:45 am
The song Ankar Judge tried to sing is called “Earth Song” and not “What About Us?” but, yeah, his performance was truly hilarious.
July 2nd, 2009 at 6:34 am
The article is titled “5″ things.
I assume it was supposed to originally be 10, and he either ran out of time or is saving the other 5 for another article at a later date. Either way he forgot to renumber them.
Still enjoyable though.I always watch the first 3 or 4 episodes of shit like this just for the FAIL. And FAIL there will be, you can bank on it.
It’s liek some of these peopel have NO friends, or at least no honest ones. If my friends suck at something, Ilet them know. Now peopel I hate however, I’d help anyway I coudl towards large scale public humiliation of this kind.
July 2nd, 2009 at 6:34 am
ugh, why r u such a homophobe? It’s like no article is complete for u unless you’ve slipped in something blatantly offensive to gays
July 2nd, 2009 at 6:19 am
WHERE IS 5 THRU 1
July 2nd, 2009 at 6:16 am
“When the judges were unmoved by her performance and my award-winning description of it being the sputtering death throes of a flesh golem in the wrong size pants”
You sir win 50 Internets
July 2nd, 2009 at 6:10 am
oh my god I hope I get to see Bulletball on thursday. Marc Griffin is the definition of what this article is about.
July 2nd, 2009 at 6:09 am
Epic man that article is full of win
July 2nd, 2009 at 6:08 am
[...] 5 Glorious Failures in TV Talent Show Auditions [Cracked] [...]
July 2nd, 2009 at 5:56 am
i hate talent shows
July 2nd, 2009 at 5:52 am
Awesome article SeanBaby, keep it up.
July 2nd, 2009 at 5:49 am
nice
July 2nd, 2009 at 4:40 am
Amazing. Really, the only reason I’ve ever watched American Idol/Inventor/’s Got Talent was to see the first round of crazy contestants. And the guy with the pissing suit was the VERY FIRST AUDITION of the first season. Now I gotta wait a whole week to get the top five. I hope he includes the fat guy that got inside a giant balloon for America’s Got Talent.
July 2nd, 2009 at 4:39 am
Enjoyed this article…of course, there are literally hundreds of failditions (does that count as a pun?) to choose from over the years. Oh, and I followed this link from the first one, good for a laugh: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bsusLgoyqws&feature=related
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