Welcome back! The Top 10 TV Audition Failures continues!
If you're tuning in late... click at the end of this sentence, right before it says nude boners, to go back and read Part Onenude boners.
In the movie Better Off Dead, John Cusack was tormented by an Asian drag racer who learned to talk by watching Howard Cossell. Life imitates art, because twenty years later, it really happened. Enter: Mikey. He strides into the audition room announcing, "Hi! My fellow trembuelders!"
Mikey sounds like a game show host having a stroke, who just happens to be doing it near a little Asian man moving his lips. "Trembuelder!" The judges have no idea what they've been called. If white people got offended by racists making fun of their accents, Mikey's top hobby would be getting his ass kicked. "Trem!"
It's a linguistic fact that due to the power of Eastern magic and Oriental gods, Mikey's original language only ever required three sounds. This makes many of our words complicated if not impossible for him to form, especially during a Howard Cossell impersonation. He tries again. "Drembuelder!" Still nothing. Then a light bulb goes off: "Drem Construction Worker!"
After he and the three judges finally know that they share the same occupation --Dream Construction Worker-- he starts crooning. In his own words, it's a Frank Cinetra song that he redecorated himself. The whole thing feels like a scene in a comedy about an alien that has to pretend to be Human at a karaoke bar. There's all this comical tension that he'll be found out, and Steve Guttenburg can't help because he's still in the body of a dog.
Youtube - Watch it, fellow Drem Construction Worker4. Michael Machell
Britain's Got Talent
Michael Machell has the personality of pudding in a coma and can't play piano, but that won't stop him from achieving his life's dream: getting the Star Wars theme song to contain fewer trumpet sounds. The thing just doesn't sound like outer space to him, and he's tired of living in a world that allows it.
His solution: going on stage and hitting the bossanova beat button on a 1983 keyboard. After a long pre-show of saying whoops and hitting different trumpet sounds, he haltingly pecks out the Star Wars theme while the crowd laughs. You can see that he's reading from a book called HOW TO PLAY KEYBOARDS, but what we can't see is that the second part of the title is WHEN YOUR HANDS ARE FLIPPERS. To make things even more confusing, it kind of works! It's awesome AND makes you feel in space. You would never, ever mistake it for an Earth song.
On most talent shows, that would be the end of it. The ridiculous contestant would be led off camera to the pulping chamber where they could be rendered into chum for the show's livestock. However, the thing that makes Britain's Got Talent so good is that two of the judges, Amanda and Piers, will put lunatic contestants through just to piss Simon Cowell off. So Michael Machell's crazy ass made it to the semi-finals!
In the semi-finals, Michael knew he had to take it to the next level. So he plays the Star Wars song, worse, while descending from the ceiling in a tiny flying saucer. You may feel in space so much that you'll explosively decompress. You couldn't mix failure and outer space any better if you invented Ewoks.
Youtube - Meet Michael!Youtube - Michael in the Semi-Finals3. Blue Velvet
America's Got Talent
When we first meet Blue Velvet, they're backstage having a giggly adrenaline dump. At first glance, it's a trio made up of a man and two women, but all of them are shaped like potatos and it's gay enough that no one's gown or suit should be trusted as a gender indicator. So proceed at your own risk, drunk guys!
They take the stage and introduce themselves, "Hello, everyone! We are Blue Velvet!" I'm not sure if they are a singing act or a weaponized sonic paint remover, but each of them takes turns screeching a part of "Blue Velvet! Blue Velvet! Blue VELVEEEEEEEETT!" The judges, with comic timing more precise than Van Damme punching a Swiss watch maker in the dick, answer back with a rejection of "Ding! Ding! ACCCKKKKKK!!!" It's like fifty years of fucking up were compressed into ten seconds of nuclear failure. Failure so massive that astronauts could do Tang spit takes as they watched it from space.
The band's TV career, in its entirety, was screaming its name three times and opening up a wormhole of rejection. To put that into perspective, Failokalypse, the demon who feeds on mistakes, only managed to shout, "NOOO! TOO! MUCH!" before bursting into banana peels. Blue Velvet is the reason America's Got Talent added a trap door and seven rifle towers to the set. But get this: to make matters worse, Blue Velvet even taints their own perfectly hilarious performance by debunking it on their myspace page.
They link to a video of the "real" performance before the America's Got Talent editors made their masterpiece, and it turns out the judges actually let these chicken monsters squawk for about a minute before buzzing them. God damn it, that's like finding out Santa Claus isn't real and then getting molested by him. Thanks for ruining it, Blue Velvet! You can't even suck right!
Youtube - The Original, and Best Version2. Martik Manoukian
Sometimes when a woman eats too many thermometers during pregnancy, Mother Nature decides to try a few new things out. Martik "X-Centric" Manoukian is one of them.
If you ask the right person, X-Centric is the most exciting half-panther performer the world has ever seen. He is also very fiery. So much so that he has "fire equaling three men." I'm not sure, but I think "fire" is Armenian for "overdose of mood regulators."
For his audition, X-Centric goes through a very typical werepanther preparation process. Keep in mind all of this is done before he says a word or begins singing.
1. He throws his Trapper Keeper. Because singing while you're holding a Trapper Keeper would just be stupid.
2. He turns his back to the judges and spreads his legs. The average Armenian Werepanther has hearing far greater than ours, so singing the wrong direction is considered polite.
3. Oops, he actually meant to stand the other way, so let him turn around and then spread his legs again.
4. X-Centric removes his sunglasses and flings them! Nearby, an American Idol production assistant is found dead, a smear of paste in the center of a sunglasses-shaped impact crater. They'd ask for a moment of silence, but through a lucky turn of events, most of X-Centric's performance is already a moment of silence.
5. X-Centric begins the twenty minute process of removing his vest and shirt. During this part of the performance, ladies who like boy-shaped playdough will want to set their X-Centric brand vibrators to FULL.
6. He crawls towards the judges making cat sounds. It's exactly how I imagine my parents doing foreplay when I'm trying to dislodge a scream from my throat.
7. He stands and lumbers back to his starting position. I think he forgot something. Armenian Werepanthers are often confused when performing near multiple food sources.
8. Oh, I see, it looks like he forgot to dance first. A real treat, he performs a traditional Armenian Werepanther dance of three seconds of full body wiggle, meerkat, meerkat, and super spin. During the super spin, the fake microphone he had in his back pocket flies out, almost certainly because he meant it to. NOW, he struts up the judges to shirtlessly whisper "X-Centric!" Lady viewers, remove your X-Centric brand vibrators and, as quickly as possible, sit in your bucket of X-Centric brand cooling gel before serious injury occurs.
9. Singing! When X-Centric finally sings his original X-Centric song, it's sort of a rap battle between a baby and its multiple personalities. If the baby had asthma and sang like a little bitch. Ultimate face!!
Youtube - Rowr!
and the number one...
1. Marc Griffin
Everything good has already been invented. You can buy hot dogs with cheese in the center, dolls with vaginas, and hundreds of combinations of all four. So on the show American Inventor, most people come in with a pile of junk and a story about how patent lawyers took all their money and left them with only a prototype for Mayonnaise Mittens, the gloves that make sandwiches safe.
Marc Griffin stood above them all. He sold everything he owned to make BulletBall. BulletBall combines the fun of air hockey with the misplacement of all your air hockey equipment. In it, two players bat a ball across a coffee table and the winner is the one who does the best! Sometimes the best ideas are simple ones. Sometimes.
He invented the game 26 years ago with his ex-wife, a lot of wine, and a cat toy. Coincidentally, those were the exact three things used to invent the first tampon. Wait, I think it wasn't an ex-wife until right after the invention process.
Marc is certain that BulletBall will be an Olympic sport. Not only because it's high caliber and for the 21st century, but because it's age and gender neutral. No listen-- no matter who or what you are, you're as good at BulletBall as anyone who will ever live. If you want proof, I found these pictures of Marc on his website playing BulletBall as hard as he can against disinterested people in wheelchairs. "Who's the BULLETBALL MASTER!!??"
Where is he now? Marc is still selling and rapping about BulletBall and BulletBall extreme tables. He's even dropped the price for a limited time from $399.99 to only $299.99. Sorry, poor people, but Marc was a little busy inventing sports to learn how supply and demand work. If you want to bat a cat toy around, you'll have to do it on a knockoff BulletBall table, also sometimes known as any table.
Youtube - BulletBall, BulletBall, that's a BulletBall!