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The Time I Almost Got to Be on 'Game of Thrones'

Dear Home Box Officers,

I feel the fourth season of Game of Thrones is going to be an integral part of the series, insofar as it's getting awfully close to the end of the story as George R.R. Martin has written it, and there are many pivotal scenes that change the very nature of the world in the story on the way. For instance, probably someone dies. I can't say for sure, not knowing what you're covering in Season 3 yet, but I suspect death will be afoot.

Did you know I worked for three years at a funeral home? How many other actors on Game of Thrones have ever poked a corpse, hmm? I have poked numerous corpses. I play death as others might play the fiddle, or Jenga. Have you played Jenga? I have never lost a game in my entire life, and you can look up records to support this fact.

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Look at these sucka MCs trying to compete with me.

Now, I know I'm not an actor in the traditional sense, and you may be hesitant to cast someone who didn't even show up at your office, but that's simply because I don't know where your offices are! Did you know Johnny Depp got his start by driving a friend to the set of Nightmare on Elm Street and his boyish good looks seduced Wes Craven into casting him? Did you know Harrison Ford used to be a carpenter or a garbage man or something until he became awesome? I am the boyishly good-looking garbage carpenter Game of Thrones has been missing.

Make the right choice, HBO. Hire Felix Clay today. By the way, I am Felix Clay.

Humbly,

Felix Clay

Let me just say, Season 2 ended and was pretty awesome, and then Season 3 began and ended with such a spectacle that I can barely even reminisce about it now without feeling my nether regions twitch. The Red Wedding? Are you shitting me? I knew it was coming, and it still blew my mind. But as for emails from HBO? Not a one.

I wrestled with my anger and turmoil through the summer. I went to orgies and a county fair. I tried to pretend the hurt wasn't there, but it was. It still is.

NA/PhotoObjects.net/Getty Images

All the corn dog orgies in the world can't fill the hole in my heart.

And now a new season of TV is beginning. Game of Thrones is still some months away, so there's still time, isn't there? Sure there is! Maybe they'd all gone on vacation for a bit to roll around in pits filled with money and awards and naked extras from the show. Oh God, the naked extras. Just one more reason to want to be a part of Westeros. Do you know how many naked extras there are at Cracked? There's Adam Brown if you get to the office before 8 a.m., and that's it.

Game of Thrones is my abusive partner who nurtures and comforts me, who makes me laugh and cry and then fucks me with brutal indifference and painful neglect for the better part of a year while it's off having fun and doing Comic-Con and other such things while I sit at home making Hamburger Helper for one and sleeping on a thin foam mattress dampened by my own tears and other depressed fluids. Well, no more!

I've asked nicely for several years in a row and haven't even gotten a polite decline, just the cold, hard shoulder of being ignored. But you know what? The Walking Dead is starting soon too, and that show has a metric fuckton of room for extras. The entire human population is just wandering around aimlessly all the time. And that Carl is becoming quite the uppity little shit, so maybe I don't need to put Joffrey in his place. Plus Rick is nuttier than a squirrel pooping on a fruitcake, so maybe I don't need to worry about Thoros of Myr or that crazy lady who breastfeeds her pussy little 13-year-old son. Maybe I'll just drop AMC a line. Maybe I can become a zombie.

Sandy Huffaker/Getty Images News/Getty Images

"Lori already died? Dammit, I really wanted to off her."

I love you, Game of Thrones and HBO. But I don't know if I can be in love with you. Not anymore.

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