The story of how a small group of Somali pirates managed to hold an entire supertanker hostage has gripped the world. And how they managed to first collect their ransom, and then drown on the ride home has likewise baffled the world, causing many of its greatest thinkers to ask aloud “How is it these pirates are so dumb? How on earth do you capture a god damned tanker and then fuck up the going home part? Isn’t there a licensing test for these clowns?”
Not content to sit at home like all the other naval-gazers and ask questions about pirates while posting crude images in the margins, I set out to get the straight dirt for a Cracked exclusive. I would go straight to the source, and speak with some actual god damned pirates with parrots and everything.
__
I step inside the door of a dilapidated building. This isn’t terribly remarkable - all the buildings in Somalia appear to be one strong fart away from falling to splinters. This particular deathtrap happened to be a bar. I approach the bartender. At least I suspect he is the bartender. There’s no bar as such, just bottles of liquor scattered around. He’s the only one not openly brandishing a gun the size of my leg though. That’s good enough for me.
The bartender looks me up and down. Somalia is an incredibly dangerous place for someone who actually belongs there, and about ten times more so for someone as improbably white as I am. To improve my odds of survival, I had shrewdly elected to wear an Obama 08 t-shirt. The bartender takes this in, and says nothing. I take a deep breath, having already rehearsed some critical phrases in Somali.
“I would like to meet a pirate.”
His eyes widen, then lock on my own. Years of hard talk with hard men has given him a preternatural ability to sniff out weakness.
“And,” I say in a firm voice, remembering my guidebooks advice, “I don’t mean I want to be taken to a back room where men will have rough sex with me.” His eyes narrow slightly. We stare at each other for eight seconds. Finally, a decision having formed in his wrinkled head, he jerks his head towards a door in the back.
“No, I said I don’t…” I’m interrupted by his extended arm, pointing at a group of men sitting at a table beside the door leading into the storage room/potential rough sex emporium. I walk over to them.
“Are you guys pirates?” Silence greets me in return, punctuated by the sounds automatic weapons make when they’re being booted up. I don’t really know how guns work.
Having run out of Somali phrases already, I switch to English. “I’m from the Internet. I don’t know how to say this, but… you pirates are a pretty big deal.” I wait for the obligatory chuckle. I keep waiting. It’s failure to arrive worries me somewhat.
“They don’t speak English.”
At another table beside them sits a man, who judging by his lack of weapons would make him either the least powerful man in the room or the most powerful. Judging by the fact that he isn’t ball-flatteningly terrified, I guess it’s the later.
“What do you want?” he asks.
“I just want to talk to some pirates. Find out what your whole deal is. How you make money.”
He considers this for a moment. “Sure, let’s show you how we make money. Why don’t you come with us?”
“Can’t we talk here?” Several guns are raised to point at parts of my body I enjoy/need.
“Hey, why don’t I come with you.”
My kidnappers/new chums march me out of the bar. A truck takes us some miles away to a beach camp. Along the way I learn the leader’s name is Mustapha. When we reach the camp they politely relieve me of the burden of my clothes, and bind my arms behind me.
“You come from big newspaper, yes?” Mustapha hisses into my face.
“Cracked is basically a very successful newspaper,” I confirm.
“We’ll ransom you then. Your newspaper will pay big money to bring back their star reporter.”
I suck air through my teeth noisily. “Ooooooooooooh. I don’t know about that.”
“What, why not?”
“One, I’m only like the 8th best guy they have. You know? Like David Schwimmer?” I make a poopy face. “You know? Not super valuable. And second, Cracked probably doesn’t have much money right now.”
“You say Cracked very successful!”
“Cracked is very successful. Many many readers. But we only make like, twenty bucks a day.” I look up at him and shrug. “The economy.”
Mustapha looked at me for a long time. “Twenty dollars a day?”
I nod. “There’s this credit crunch I guess. Also Bush.” I make another poopy face.
He considers this for a moment. “My sister, she has a son. He is an idiot. He sits in front of marketplace all day, and he makes sex with his hand. You know?”
I nod. “I’ve done that.”
“He makes more than twenty dollars a day!”
I shrug. “Twenty dollars is pretty good for a web site.”
Mustapha turns back and begins chattering with the other pirates in rapid fire Somali. I guess they are running through various scenarios for how to prepare and cook my flesh.
“You guys are doing this all wrong,” I say, a slight tint of panic coloring my voice. “This ransom stuff is too complicated. Too many opportunities to get screwed over. Why aren’t you stealing cargo?”
Mustapha looks at me. “We tried that. But we have no way to sell cargo. No-one in Somalia can buy anything.”
“Have you tried eBay?”
“This Eebhay - he is fat scum middleman? He is fence for stolen goods?”
I considered all the ways to correct this, and all the ways it was already pretty accurate. “Yes.”
“And what do we steal? What does Eebhay want?”
“Oh christ man, everything. You want to sell a stick you use to pick your ass with, someone will buy it.”
Mustapha holds up the stick he had been poking me with for the last half hour and looked at it, squinting.
I continue, stammering, “No seriously though, what you do is you steal small and valuable things. Jewelry. Cameras. Ipods. Anything shiny really.”
__
It was early morning. I had just been prodded out of my cage, and along with the rest of the pirate clan, I walk down to the beach to meet the raiders who had just returned from the sea. “What’d you get?” I ask Mustapha as I approach his boat.
“This. These were the shiniest things we could find.”
Mustapha pulls the lid off a crate. I peer inside.
“This is pantyhose.” Thousands of packages of pantyhose. Well, it was shiny and light.
“What is pantyhose?”
I bite my lip, thinking. “It’s used to make your legs look pretty.” I pantomime making my legs look pretty, to demonstrate to everyone. “Some kinds are used to make, uh…” I pull up my shirt to reveal my bare torso, and suck my gut in. “Like this.”
“Ahh! Like Bulah!” Mustapha points at Bulah, the fat pirate.
“Yes! Like Bulah!” We all start dancing and pointing at Bulah, slapping our tummies as we caper about. Bulah sulks away.
“Hmm,” I say, after things had quieted down. “Well at least you now have uniforms.”
___
“I don’t understand why we need a catchphrase.”
“It’s called branding Mustapha. You’ve done well the last couple months selling your raids on eBay, and you’re gaining some notoriety. There’s merchandise opportunities coming for you, I’m sure of it.”
He shakes his head. “I don’t know.”
“Try it again for me. Really try this time.”
He takes a deep breath, cocks his AK-47, then belts out, “Helllllo Sailor!”
___
The wind picks up, blowing sand into my teeth. I can see a figure plodding up the beach towards me. From a distance, I recognize it as Mustapha, his legs clearly identifiable by the Sheer Vitality Nudes he wears as a mark of his high rank.
“Good news?” I say as he draws near. Over the intervening months, Mustapha and his men had grown wealthy and powerful, feared up and down the coast for their naval prowess and daring attire.
“Only if you call 10,000 box sets of the second season of Caroline in the City good news!” An enormous smile stretches across his face.
“Few would.” Seeing the disappointment in hie eyes, I add, “But I guess it’s good news for you.”
He sits down beside me. We stare at the ocean for a time.
“I’m going to have to go soon Mustapha.”
He nods. “I was wondering how long you’d stay with us. I am sad, for we were nothing before you. You have taught us so much about business and avant-garde pirate marketing. Thanks to you, all tremble at the mere mention of The Hotty Somali Tamales.” He sighs heavily. “But yours is a gift that must be shared I think.”
He hands me a package. “As is this.” I open it. A box set of the second season of Caroline in the City. Well. I guess he tried.
The next day I’m flying home. In retrospect, I didn’t learn that much about the pirate lifestyle as I would have hoped, and ended up being forced to perform rather a lot more oral sex on strange men than I was truly comfortable with. On the flipside I did manage to transform a group of strange men into sashying fancy-dans of the sea. That should look good on the resume.
All in all I give Somalia 3 stars.
***
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October 20th, 2009 at 6:45 pm
Well, I’ve never had my life threatened by a pirate, but DAMN if this article didn’t nearly cause me to asphyxiate by laughter!
This part:
*****
You want to sell a stick you use to pick your ass with, someone will buy it.”
Mustapha holds up the stick he had been poking me with for the last half hour and looked at it, squinting.
*****
had my catching my breath for 3 minutes!
Good job making the pirates go commercial - it worked in making the true hippies nearly extinct, so why the hell not?
October 16th, 2009 at 1:32 am
I have no idea how this got on this page. Now I’m even more scared.
October 16th, 2009 at 1:31 am
Saw this super-early morning for an Obama Chia. I cried a little bit.
July 21st, 2009 at 4:16 pm
Cool. I like how he managed to completely emasculate a fearsome gang of pirates- it just makes it easier for them TO FUCKING KILL YOU. Seriously, you just keep thinking, “Pssh-pussies,” until they’ve got an Uzi jammed against your skull and are shouting broken phrases and demands at you in English.
May 21st, 2009 at 7:38 am
My Uncle who is a seaman had just told me the story regarding the Somalian Pirate attack they encountered last January 2009. He said that the looks of the pirates who attacked their ship and the pirates in here are exactly the same with regards to how they dress.
February 25th, 2009 at 5:06 am
Arrrr that be a mighty fine tale of the piratey variety!
I do hope Black Beard went with 70 Denier though, there’s nothing worse than hairs poking out & causing a ladder.
February 18th, 2009 at 9:20 am
This was fantastic, had me rolling in tears.
February 17th, 2009 at 5:06 pm
This was one of the funniest things I’ve read in quite some time. Amazing, pirates and pantyhose go so well together….
February 17th, 2009 at 3:07 pm
Oh god that was so funny… So… oral sex eh?
February 3rd, 2009 at 3:20 pm
sooooo funny :)) great stuff !!!
February 1st, 2009 at 4:00 am
the guy in the top photo. could he come to my house for a couple hours? and bring a few friends? i’ll supply the drugs if he does…
January 28th, 2009 at 12:55 am
i have to agree with adouchethatwasnt. The image of the guy in tights was a bit over the top and just unnaturally wrong.
January 20th, 2009 at 9:03 pm
Haha, that was hilarious.
January 19th, 2009 at 8:00 am
great piece, hillarious as usual. but there was this disturbing image of a pirate (the 1st one, white dude) with his dick extremely and uncomfortably visable. which begs the question: WTF?
January 18th, 2009 at 4:27 pm
I battled pirates once - http://www.astraybuffet.com/category/pirates/
January 17th, 2009 at 4:17 pm
great piece… very funny!
good work fella…
January 17th, 2009 at 3:15 pm
This was funny. You just made my day.
January 17th, 2009 at 8:07 am
rarr harr harr!
go chris! cracked rules!
i was planning on this for a while,
but im going to do to it now:
burn a stack to MAD magazienes!
January 17th, 2009 at 2:20 am
‘Sure, let’s show you how we make money. Why don’t you come with us?’
‘Can’t we talk here?’ Several guns are raised to point at parts of my body I enjoy/need.
‘Hey, why don’t I come with you.’”
and
“‘I would like to meet a pirate.’
His eyes widen, then lock on my own. Years of hard talk with hard men has given him a preternatural ability to sniff out weakness.
‘And,’ I say in a firm voice, remembering my guidebooks advice, ‘I don’t mean I want to be taken to a back room where men will have rough sex with me.’”
I’ve never laughed at a cracked article like i did at these two lines. Thank you Chris Bucholz, for making my life just a little better.
January 16th, 2009 at 7:50 pm
i wonder if the count of monte cristo reference was on accident?
January 16th, 2009 at 2:55 am
__ WEAL t H Y me E T U P. c 0m__
Sharing what many believe to be the most enjoyable and adventurous years of their entire lives with someone special is a paramount goal. — WEAL T H Y ME ETUP. CO M— to the fling of your dreams – while the night is still young.
Email me? springzyp11@yahoo.com
W E AL TH Y M E E T UP . C 0 M
January 16th, 2009 at 12:23 am
If you don’t believe in ghosts, then what the HELL is happening here?! I’d really love to know myself, not just douchebag spamming…
http://www.tokillfor.com/view_video.php?viewkey=1b78d8b44a984bab0dd0&page=3&viewtype=&category=mr
January 15th, 2009 at 1:39 pm
“Kyzumi: This would be an incredibly erotic story if the “cracked reporter” was a woman”
I thought it was hot as is, actually, but then I dig man on man boning. so there’s that.
Also, I laughed more than I probably should be comfortable admitting to. Both at this article and several of the comments in response to it. My day has been made.
January 14th, 2009 at 10:41 pm
This would be an incredibly erotic story if the “cracked reporter” was a woman
January 14th, 2009 at 8:45 pm
What kind of person let’s themselves be held hostage because they decided not to pack heat aboard a cruise ship? Now I haven’t been keeping up with the story much, but I can conclude that the ship probably wasn’t American…because it didn’t have any nuclear torpedos.
January 14th, 2009 at 1:24 pm
mc, if you think Somali pirates actually did kidnap Bucholz and then had an elaborate pantomime in which he marshalled them into screaming hello sailor at their captives, you have issues.
Issues that only can be resolved by electroshock and padded walls
January 14th, 2009 at 1:01 pm
sorry to be all boringly literal, but here’s the actual truth about Somali pirates. Because I didn’t have enough to be depressed about. That’s not to say they don’t wear stockings, though.
January 14th, 2009 at 12:43 pm
I’m thinking this was just an elaborate story to use as an excuse to post that top picture again.
Every time I see it I keep wondering, did anyone think about subtley letting him know his junk was on display?
“err, Steve? We have to talk.”
“yarr, Steve be busy, Steve be looking out on the high seas fer plundering”
“Steve, I’m just going to come out and say it, we can see your johnson. All of it. I mean, everyone can see your cyclop’s eyeball.”
January 14th, 2009 at 12:36 pm
For most of the article I thought DOB was writing this. Dang.
January 14th, 2009 at 12:30 pm
Doubleplusgood.
January 14th, 2009 at 12:07 pm
it was so uncool of you to destroy their innocent native lifestyle and replace it with capitalism and advertising. you destroyed their culture, oh you filthy american!
yes, capitalism is worse than piracy.
January 14th, 2009 at 9:32 am
that’s a gun in his pants. but a girl can still dream can’t she?
January 14th, 2009 at 8:56 am
fancy dans…that’s it…
January 14th, 2009 at 8:26 am
the first pirate guy in a pic has a huuuge moby dick
January 14th, 2009 at 7:05 am
Nice!!! Maybe next time you can do the Thai pirate thing and through around some, ‘Me so solly!!!’ jokes! That would be a fucking riot!
January 14th, 2009 at 6:41 am
This shit is racist. Mostly funny, but overly racist, and it ruins the article.
Let’s point out a few details:
- the most intelligent man is the one that speaks English
- he’s funny, because he speaks broken English
- the black guys don’t know shit about pantyhose
- it starts with some shitty statement about all buildings in Somalia. And a fart joke.
Now, if you excuse me, I’m going to be burned at stack for overtly criticizing Bucholz.
Ciao
January 14th, 2009 at 6:23 am
I can see that the pirate in the very first picture is incredibly happy to be on Cracked!
January 14th, 2009 at 4:16 am
good article!
January 14th, 2009 at 4:04 am
This is the funniest thing I have read in a long time. You should be higher than #8, Bucholz!
January 14th, 2009 at 1:00 am
HA! I actually woke up my roommate ’cause I was laughing so hard. Good show, Bucholz! Good show!
January 14th, 2009 at 12:59 am
Where did you get that picture of me at the very top? I haven’t worn those tights in years.
January 14th, 2009 at 12:28 am
Hotty Somali Tamales: Go team go.
good article!
Barely_legal: neat info. arr.
January 13th, 2009 at 11:29 pm
That was KIND OF funny… I mean, I’m Somali, so some of it was humorous to me. If you had done your research, you would have known that you could have thrown in how “arr” (while mercilessly rolling the “r”) actually means “I dare you” or “Do it (while cocking gun).” It’s really threatening.
Also, no matter how bad these guys are, they would NEVER resort to any homosexual acts EVER. Hold people for ransom? Yes. Kill each other? We’ve had 18 years of civil war. But anally penetrate another man? Arr.
Then again, you aren’t Somali, so whatever.
January 13th, 2009 at 11:23 pm
Hilarious, this made me laugh out loud!
January 13th, 2009 at 10:57 pm
You Should’ve Told Them You Were The Great;Great;Great;Great;Great Grandson of Captain Jack Sparrow and Offered Them The DVD of’Pirates of the Caribbean’!!
After They Welcomed You as a Fellow Pirate Taking a Busman’s Holiday,They Would’ve Invited You Into Their Hut and Watched That Somali Variety Show”Blackhawk Down”!!!
January 13th, 2009 at 10:09 pm
Hilarious, man. But you know what would have made those pirates more money? Selling Joe Cotten CDs. They’re in high demand in third world countries, because his insane guitarwork can actually take the place of food. Also, he may cure AIDS. I’m just sayin’.
January 13th, 2009 at 9:55 pm
Fail
January 13th, 2009 at 9:35 pm
That was genuinely brilliant. You made my day!
January 13th, 2009 at 8:41 pm
@pharof: I think you experienced “Pirate Ambush Sex”. Also commonly known as “Suprise sex” to the fraternity crowd. Also commonly known as “rape” to everyone else.
January 13th, 2009 at 8:22 pm
I met one of these pirates! At least, I’m pretty sure I did, because of how he greeted me: He cocked something (Pretty sure not an AK-47, but something went ‘clink’) and then he said, “Hello, sailor!” And also the pantyhose. Also I’m not a sailor.
Anyway, I always imagined pirates might be kind of scary up close, and I was right. Just not in the way I thought. He didn’t say anything like, “Well, blow me down,” or “Shiver me timbers,” but one thing he did say a lot was, “Why don’t you come over here and lick my balls.” I didn’t see a sword or a parrot, but he sure was a fancy-dan. He was nice, though. He bought me a drink, and BOY it must have been strong, because I don’t remember anything else about that night…but I did have a horrible aftertaste in my mouth the next day. Plus I woke up in some alley.
January 13th, 2009 at 8:01 pm
Funny as!! I’m surprised that you didn’t offer them DOB as a hostage interchange, that would have moved you up a rung to the be the seventh best reporter and DOB could have sent the photo of the pirate with the big ‘gun’ to FOX with appropriate instructions.
January 13th, 2009 at 8:00 pm
This made me laugh so hard, and very entertaining
January 13th, 2009 at 7:32 pm
Hilarious as usual, nice job.
January 13th, 2009 at 7:29 pm
20 bucks a day? Well at least you’re doing better than 3rd world slaves… high five?
Great article Bucholz, I love that they’re named the Hotty Somali Tamales and wear pantyhose. Made my day.
January 13th, 2009 at 6:54 pm
This was your best article yet, Bucholz, and I love what you’ve done with the comment section. Usually it’s far less tolerable.
January 13th, 2009 at 5:58 pm
I have to congratulate you on the term “naval-gazer.” If you misspelled navel-gazer on purpose, you are a god. If it was by accident, then there is a God who isn’t you, and He is making sure the world is filled with inspired witty puns such as that one.
January 13th, 2009 at 5:56 pm
This brought me to tears more than once.
January 13th, 2009 at 5:24 pm
I would like to hear more about Bulah and his adventures in piracy.
January 13th, 2009 at 4:50 pm
I read this straight after the main article which was good because I only felt like dying for a couple of minutes before you cheered me right back up again.
January 13th, 2009 at 4:45 pm
So…. you think the guy in the first image is Jewish?
January 13th, 2009 at 4:38 pm
“lXxEpicxXl Says: …this can’t possibly be true.”
Your incredible wit astounds us all |XxEpicxX|. We look forward to more profound, deep statements of truth, or not truth.
The pirates tried to sell the comments section on Ebay as well.
January 13th, 2009 at 3:48 pm
Fuckng great. I can’t wait to visit Somalia.
January 13th, 2009 at 3:34 pm
Have you checked ebay for the comments?
January 13th, 2009 at 3:33 pm
This is such a coincidence. Me and my Somalian pirate crew recently captured an American and forced him to preform oral sex on us.
January 13th, 2009 at 3:31 pm
Somalis are dicks. It doesn’t count as prejudice if it’s 100% true. They don’t bathe or use toilet paper. They also hate pretty much all Americans and still brag about killing U.S Soldiers. I can understand fighting back when your country is invaded, but these cocksuckers jumped us when we showed up with food and bandages. To the rest of Africa, you’re okay. Just stop the AIDS stuff and learn to use condoms, but I say nuke the shit out Somalia. I also enjoyed the article. Once again, fuck Somalia’s AIDS-riddled ass with a big fat nuke.
January 13th, 2009 at 3:14 pm
Also, LOVE the pirate penis pic!!!
January 13th, 2009 at 3:13 pm
I think it’s hilarious the comments section of an article on piracy was stolen. Coincidence…? There are no coincidences!
January 13th, 2009 at 3:12 pm
That’s the funniest thing I’ve read in a loooooong time! Bravo!
January 13th, 2009 at 2:46 pm
…this can’t possibly be true.
January 13th, 2009 at 2:43 pm
I thought so yes. BTW, this article was awesome. I was reading it instead of paying attention on my course and burst out laughing. You’d think I would have been embarrassed, but I didn’t even pay attention to the threatening glares thrown my way. After all, I could be in Somalia…..
January 13th, 2009 at 2:42 pm
I wish I could be a fancy-dan of the sea…
January 13th, 2009 at 2:24 pm
Is it funny to anyone else that the comments section for a post on piracy got stolen?
January 13th, 2009 at 2:14 pm
Sorry for the temporary delay in comments, folks. Someone attempted to steal the internet, and they started with our comments section. I don’t want to blame Bucholz, though I admit he is entirely responsible for this and every other problem on the internet.
You are now free to once again engage in the important and thought-provoking discourse that is typical of these comment sections.