I got Shaquille O’Neal’s phone call at about three in the morning. I knew the call was coming, so I was already awake. I knew exactly what this was about.
“Statch,” he said as soon I hit “answer” on my cellphone, “I need your help.” He didn’t even give me a chance to say “hello.”
“I did something stupid, Statch. Something really stupid.” He was weeping.
“I know, Shaq, and if I’m not mistaken, I’m pretty sure the whole world knows at this point.”
“You gotta help me, Statch, you gotta tell me what to do.” ‘Statch’ is sort of a nickname, by the way. Years ago, I was a fairly successful underground rapper who, due to the fact that I was so young at the time, was dubbed by the rap community as ‘Statutory Rap’ or ‘Statch,’ by close friends. Shaq, as you’ve probably deduced yourself, was one of those friends.
“Tell me what to do, Statch. Just tell me what to do and I’ll do it. Like old times.” Old times. He never would’ve even gotten himself into this mess if he’d have just listened to me in the first place.
In the early 90’s, Shaq was in a bad way. Not in terms of basketball. He was doing fine, I guess, (or as fine as a basketball player could do in the early 90’s who isn’t on the Bulls). He was in a bad way in terms of rapping. His first CD without a major label, the almost impossible-to-find Oh, Kneel Before O’Neal was a commercial and critical failure. So, Shaq did what any aspiring hip-hop artist did in the early nineties. He came to see me. I gave him credit for having the good sense to choose me as his mentor. He could have gone to see any of the mainstream MC’s, but he chose me, (while not the most commercially accepted rapper, I was the undisputed Archbishop of hip-hop to the underground scene), because integrity was important to him.
“Teach me, Statutory Rap, Sir,” he said at our first meeting. He was so nervous. And sweaty. Jesus Christ. “Teach me how to rap.” I was impressed by his passion, his dedication and his inability to shoot foul shots. It was a character flaw we both shared.
“Alright, Shaq. On the condition that you do exactly as I say, I will help you.” Needless to say, Shaq agreed.
Now, I don’t like to brag and I don’t want to go into the exact details of what I did, but I’ll let history do the talking on this one. Shaq’s first mainstream album, Shaq Diesel, the one he recorded with me, went double platinum. While the albums that followed didn’t have quite as much commercial success, the hip-hop community was in agreement that Shaq was improving as a rapper each and every year, due in no small part to his Sensei, Statutory Rap.
Around 1998, Shaq started getting cocky.
“Let me get into freestyle battles,” he’d beg me.
“You’re not ready, Shaq. I’ll tell you when you’re ready. When the time is right, you’ll feel it. And I’ll tell you.” He also was getting more assertive with his lyrical content. In the past, he’d write a line and if it was good we kept it, and if it was retarded we cut it. This, as far as I know, is a good strategy. By 1998, Shaq thought he was all grown up. I remember him trying to push this “Tell me how my ass taste” line for about eight months. He was just crazy about it. Motherfucker wanted to name his next album either Ass-sparagus or 12 Recipes for My Ass (And Accompanying Wines). When he showed me a sheet of lyrics for a new song he was working on, it almost always contained some variation of ass-eating.
“Shaq, this won’t do,” I’d tell him. “I don’t think the image of some other guy eating your butt is one that you’d want to promote. Hip-hop is about a lot of things. Male-on-male ass-chomping is one of the things that can only really be used sparingly. Or not at all. Not at all, in your case. No one wants images of Scotty Pippen ’sucking on a Shaq-Ass-Snack.’”
“No, but he’s eatin’ it because he lost. Like ‘Eat my dust, sucka.’ Except it’s my butt.”
“I know what you think you’re saying, ‘Quille, but it just isn’t coming across. Moving on, you’re talking about Biggie way, way too much. It’s disrespectful to drop his name every other word. And I think, in the long run, it’s just causing more problems for you in terms of clarity. Here you’re saying you’re ‘not as good as Biggie,’ and later on you switch to saying that you are Biggie. You say ‘Shaq, A.K.A. B.I.G.’, which, in addition to being in direct conflict with what you said earlier, just involves way too much spelling. Like, more spelling than you’d ever want to do in a rap song.”
“You got it all wrong, Statch. I’m not saying I’m Biggie, I’m just saying that I am big. I just wanted to spell it out…Because I’m so big.”
“Right, I know, you want the people to know that you’re literally very big…But when you nickname yourself Biggie and B.I.G. right after you finish praising a dead rapper, whose name happens to be B.I.G…well, do I really need to keep talking?” I did. “Do you understand how that might be confusing to some people?”
It was that discussion, the discussion about ass-tasting and Biggie dropping that caused a wound in our relationship that never fully healed and, eventually, led to my very public firing. He’d gotten too big for me, it would seem.
“Whatever you do,” I told him the day I cleaned out my desk, “don’t second-guess me on that ass-eating thing. I know what I’m talking about. Also, don’t ever try to freestyle. And certainly don’t dance awkwardly while you do it. Also, promise me you won’t still be making fun of Patrick Ewing four years after he retires.” I have a real knack for giving oddly specific advice.
And now, here we are. Ten years after my unceremonious departure from the rap super-duo that was Statch and Shaq, he comes begging to me to help him out. I hung up the phone, told him I’d think about it and post my answer on my Cracked Column today. So here goes.
To be honest, Quille, there’s nothing I can do for you. Just look at yourself in that video. There hasn’t been a bigger sports star falling this hard and this far since Secretariat got drunk and shouted the n-word at the 1996 White House Press Correspondent’s Dinner.
This is a huge loss for you, Shaq, and it ends up being a huge win for Kobe. By not responding, Kobe looks like the bigger and better man. Do you know how remarkable that is? Kobe Bryant’s a monster. Kobe Bryant, in all likelihood, probably murdered a guy or two. Kobe Bryant is a man who barely - and I mean barely - beat rape charges. (Seriously, who would have thought Paul Pierce would be harder to beat than rape charges?) You called out Kobe, (reeking of a fresh rape trial), and Kobe still manages to look like a real class act in this whole situation. So, between your colossal screw up and your refusal to take my very sound advice, I’m afraid you’re on your own. I’m washing my hands of this whole ordeal and, as the Archbishop of Hip-Hop, I am hereby excommunicating you from the hip-hop community.
This entry was posted on Friday, June 27th, 2008 at 6:47 am and is filed under Shaq. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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July 9th, 2008 at 4:42 am
do you know __http://seekingbbw.com _______All Plussize/BBW/BHM singles and admirers, meet together here! Then it will be easier for you to find friends, soulmates, romance&love! The best and largest community for plus-size singles and admirers in the world.
July 7th, 2008 at 12:39 pm
I’m not totally crazy about having DOB’s babies. Some casual sex, on the other hand, would suit me just fine.
July 1st, 2008 at 10:51 am
Thank you Salad Days, you just made me laugh out loud. Maybe not the best reaction at a funeral, but I really shouldn’t have had my laptop there anyway.
July 1st, 2008 at 8:00 am
[...] these items are almost always exaggerated, if not outright fictions. For example, reading many of Dan’s posts, you wouldn’t picture him as an elderly Chinese woman, which he most assuredly is. This [...]
June 30th, 2008 at 3:45 pm
wow, this blog post is by far the most disappointing google search result for “ass tasting” that I’ve ever gotten
June 30th, 2008 at 3:13 pm
Because rabies is just sooo much fun.
June 30th, 2008 at 7:51 am
It’s pretty early, I think. My eyes are still blurry. That’s why I thought veganpigfat was offering to have DOB’s rabies.
Some kind of weird Marla Singer thing going on there.
June 29th, 2008 at 9:02 pm
DOB, I want to have your babies.
Does it help that I’m a redhead?
But don’t let Shaq know. I don’t care how his ass taste. Because I know he’d be jealous if I had your babies.
June 29th, 2008 at 8:42 pm
Lol dont worry i got it, common give me a little credit
but on another note, how awsome is radiohead?
quite awsome is the answer
June 29th, 2008 at 8:03 pm
@marshmaniac: Sarcasm, but to answer truthfully no, I just happened to remember those.
@ sexybigbeauty…. shit I’m runnin for the hills.
June 29th, 2008 at 8:00 pm
Many manful guys and sexy big beauties at ___PlusMeet.c o m___ love talking about Dream Theater and brain surgery. It is a very discused topic here were Petrucci is discussed. DOB’s abs are also of very sexy nature. Come chat with big boobs hotties, big booty beauties and many manful guys about this things.
June 29th, 2008 at 7:40 pm
@MBS, wow ridiculously lucky day i guess
June 29th, 2008 at 7:07 pm
@marshmaniac, no just those 2
June 29th, 2008 at 3:59 pm
I’m a big manful guy and I like Pink Floyd, I don’t know who or what DT is, but I’m old and have often been busy saving the world from evildoers( George W Bush’s words not mine) and making it safe for demoracy, to keep up with the popular music scene.
When I have sex with many big boobs hotties, big booty beauties, I often use Pink Floyd to set the mood.
June 29th, 2008 at 3:56 pm
MBS do u just have a archive of hundreds of youtube videos for every situation that could ever arise?
June 29th, 2008 at 2:03 pm
is youtube automaticly redirecting anyone else to the uk youtube?
June 29th, 2008 at 2:01 pm
unless you lead with DT covering Floyd:
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=SBf3zDmnxbA&feature=related
June 29th, 2008 at 10:55 am
Ooh, ouch.
I don’t quite know if that was a barb directed at Floyd or me, possibly both.
June 29th, 2008 at 10:50 am
I like Shaq! He is a big cool man! Like many guys I met at ___PlusMeet.c o m___, where many big boobs hotties, big booty beauties and big manful guys meet for fun&love!
June 29th, 2008 at 9:48 am
Ross, while I’m far too busy and important to go back through these comments to check, I’m pretty sure that, in the beginning, this was a conversation about DT, not prog. Generally, in conversations regarding Dream Theater, I think it’s best not to lead with Floyd.
June 29th, 2008 at 8:50 am
This post was too long. Is there an LOLCAT style recap that could express the gist of the article superimposed as a short series of misspelled words over a mildly interesting picture of Shaq? That would really help me out, thanks.
June 29th, 2008 at 6:40 am
Is it trendy now when discussing prog to disregard Floyd as ‘too obvious’ and start throwing out Camel, the aforementioned DT or King Crimson?
If so, fuck you, Floyd are still amazing. Even if they do all hate each other and Syd Barrett died as an insane heroin junkie.
I’ve only heard the DT cover of Smoke On The Water, which was goddamn amazing.
June 29th, 2008 at 3:09 am
Statutory Rap… now that’s just ROFL-inducing.
June 28th, 2008 at 10:31 pm
Sorry for rambling; I’m really high.
June 28th, 2008 at 10:14 pm
Buckethead. Great fucking guitarist; a little strange otherwise. But we all have our little quirks.
Hanna Montana saying in public she’s ashamed of those photos proves what a lying little cunt she is. She was totally acting on the command of Satan for that shoot and it’s subsequent fallout. She’ll manipulate every available angle until she rules the underworld with her accumulated riches and aborted hell-spawn.
June 28th, 2008 at 10:10 pm
The obscure songs nobody but DT fans have heard of are 99 1/2 percent of what they play, and the reason why most of the people who like that band do is precisely because of that. Everybody’s taste is different; I’m not knocking yours. But your argument is kind of like saying “I don’t like this band’s music (which is fine); the only good song they have is the one that sounds closest to what other bands I like play.” Cool; but that doesn’t make it a good example of that band’s music. Rather, it’s the only one that isn’t. I’ve heard that argument for many bands that play a certain kind of music for years, release one song that sounds different and all of a sudden they have a bunch of bandwagon fans that like that one song, don’t understand shit about the band, think the rest of it sucks but are responsible for a substantial portion of said band’s alblum sales so can’t really be told to fuck off by the band. It’s a tricky position. I understand you don’t like that particular song, either; I’m just trying to make a point.
Fuck it, I’m just gonna do a couple of bong hits and listen to some b-sides. Carry on.
June 28th, 2008 at 10:03 pm
enough of all this talk of DT, lets get back on topic to shaq, DOB’s abs or hannah montana.
Or we could talk about buckethead, that always seems to polarize people.
June 28th, 2008 at 8:58 pm
@ J-Pappi:
Its the best that prog rock has to offer and is still not that radio friendly, and is a song most people know….pretty good example. I mean pulling some obscure song no one has ever heard of would be silly
@MBS:
I stand corrected
June 28th, 2008 at 6:39 pm
Jesus, MBS; that made me feel bad. I can’t even dance to dance music. Shoot me an e-mail at voton1066@yahoo.com when you get a minute.
June 28th, 2008 at 6:34 pm
Marshmaniac, “Pull me under” is a good song but it’s much more radio-friendly than the rest. Not a good representative sample.
DOB, at the concert I referenced earlier, he was just playing on a 6 piece kit and even with Petrucci’s solo stuff (which is much more complicated than Ringo) he was sky-hooking a drumstick back and forth to a roadie on the side of the stage and catching it back without ever missing a beat. The fucking dude is awesome.
June 28th, 2008 at 6:06 pm
Nothing is impossible to dance to, see:
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=K6g2gCJiEx0
June 28th, 2008 at 3:41 pm
I never understood the re-vitalization of prog rock. I get it, your trying to make technical rock in odd times…..impossible to dance to, cant really sing along
It is fun to learn there drum beats and stuff but based on listening alone how the hell did pull me under get so much mtv time?
June 28th, 2008 at 11:55 am
Kingmonkey +1 — dude–nerdcore! mc chris! MC Frontalot! (I’m a nerd. Yes.)
Dreamtheater is awesome, but for some reason listening to them makes me want to have epic adventures, and then I realize I can’t do that and then I . . .
*ahem* De-life various females who exchange their pleasure services for monetary gain.
DOB, were you just mad because Shaq ripped-off his ass-eating lyrics from your theorized “eat my abs” lyrics? (Or maybe it was “kiss my abs” or something similar; my style of music is more of a deathpolka/baroquebeatboxing/waltzR&B fusion.)
June 28th, 2008 at 10:44 am
I like Shaq! He is a big cool man! Like many guys I met at ___PlusMeet.c o m___, where many big boobs hotties, big booty beauties and big manful guys meet for fun&love!
June 28th, 2008 at 7:46 am
I didn’t catch them this year, MBS. I’ve missed them the last few years, which is one of my biggest regrets in life.
Speaking of important life things though, maybe five years ago when my band was just starting out, we would practice in the music room of a Jersey university that none of us actually attended. One day, someone was in our usual room before we got there. It was three random guys and Mike Portnoy on drums. They were preparing for some benefit concert that required them to play all Beatles tunes, so we sat around and watched Mike Portnoy and some guys play Beatles songs for about an hour and it was incredible. Portnoy can do everything Ringo had ever come up with using just one hand while the other was free to shake bells or wave to us.
Every once in a while, things like that happen.
June 27th, 2008 at 10:37 pm
I believe Shaq said this is because his biological did’t bother
June 27th, 2008 at 10:33 pm
DOB:
You have no idea how much more awesome that makes you in my eyes. DT is my favorite band and JP is probably my biggest influence as a guitarist.
You didn’t by chance catch them this year on the prog nation tour with Opeth did you?
June 27th, 2008 at 10:15 pm
I saw the G-3 tour here last year at a place called the Tabernacle; an old church with great accoustics converted to a 2,500 seat venue that feels smaller. It was Satriani, Petrucci and Paul Gilbert. It absolutely fucking rocked. Everyone I met there (including myself) was a guitarist; it was funny to see 2500 hairsprayed-out dudes hanging around a church. Portnoy sat in on drums, which made it that much better.
June 27th, 2008 at 10:05 pm
@MBS
When I was just a little bit younger and had a lot more time and much less to do, I didn’t let a year go by without seeing Dream Theater when they came to town. 4 or 5 straight years of seeing Dream Theater, including the year when they toured around with Satriani. That was, needless to say, a good year.
June 27th, 2008 at 9:17 pm
As soon as I typed that I realized I don’t have a myspace account anymore. How the fuck do you do the friend request thing here from the blog?
June 27th, 2008 at 8:58 pm
J-Pappi, shoot me a message how? myspace?
June 27th, 2008 at 8:58 pm
DOB listening to Petrucci sounds like a capitol idea, however when I was recovering the only cd I had with me was Buckethead’s cuccko clocks of hell album.
Wait a second… the arch bishop of Hiphop knows about Petrucci and I’ve never said anything about him here… DOB are you the Chief Vicar of Prog metal as well?
June 27th, 2008 at 5:55 pm
Great post, DOB; please tell me you didn’t advise Shaq on his early movie career.
June 27th, 2008 at 5:53 pm
Holy Shit, MBS; you’re right around the corner from me (sort of). I’ll shoot you a message.
June 27th, 2008 at 5:27 pm
“I hung up the phone, told him I’d think about it and post my answer on my Cracked Column today.”
Great blog but… I’m not sure if you’re completely clear on how a phone works.
You should say everything that you have to say BEFORE you hang up, otherwise the person on the other end probably won’t hear you.
June 27th, 2008 at 4:57 pm
I for one have always thought Secretariat’s comment got taken out of context.
June 27th, 2008 at 3:56 pm
Classic, DOB. Classic. Ever a laugh when DOB’s lurking the BlogWorld
June 27th, 2008 at 3:43 pm
Thanks for stopping by, youngrobert, good to meet you.
Also, let’s all celebrate Metalbrainsurgery’s anniversary in our special way.
Suggestions:
-Get brain surgery, just for the hell of it!
-Listen to Petrucci or Satriani for an unhealthy amount of time!
-Mail Hannah Montana some poop or something!
-Check out MBS’s music!
-Get a bunch of attractive red heads to have sex with/on/in front of me!
June 27th, 2008 at 3:37 pm
Ah yes, you must have been one of the early candidates for Cracked’s mind-control implants? I have one of the new models. It’s got Bluetooth!
June 27th, 2008 at 3:36 pm
“did I really need to keep talking” i did.
f-ing hysterical DOB… excellent end to the Friday office drone-on
June 27th, 2008 at 3:26 pm
I’m going to second youngrobert, you make my fridays better every week.
Unrelatedly today is the 2 year aniversery of me having brainsurgery. Yay me.
June 27th, 2008 at 3:16 pm
DOB I’ve never commented on one of your articles before
but I feel I should let you know. Every friday you make my day brighter.
TDOBIF
June 27th, 2008 at 1:38 pm
I must admit I did a double take at the bigbeauty comment. I was like, “holy cow! It actually makes sense to me now!”
June 27th, 2008 at 11:40 am
Like Albatronix, I thought that was the greatest thing I’ve ever read, but then I saw bigbeauty’s spambot comment. I now cower in fear of the robot apocalypse, because only a superintelligent sentient being could craft something of such surreal genius.
June 27th, 2008 at 11:39 am
“Ishmael, how my ass taste?”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. I almost never genuinely laugh aloud when I read something, but that really got me.
June 27th, 2008 at 11:33 am
Ishmael, how my ass taste?
June 27th, 2008 at 11:12 am
That was, quite possibly, the greatest thing I’ve ever read. And I don’t mean for the internet, or for a Cracked blogger, or for today.. I mean this is like, Moby Dick status. I applaud you, DOB.
June 27th, 2008 at 9:43 am
As someone with first hand knowledge as how Shaq’s ass tastes, let me tell you. I ate it like a fat man at a buffet.
Wait, that sounds a little gay doesnt it?
June 27th, 2008 at 9:14 am
I like Shaq! He is a big cool man! Like many guys I met at ___PlusMeet.c o m___, where many big boobs hotties, big booty beauties and big manful guys meet for fun&love!
June 27th, 2008 at 8:16 am
I tried freestyle rap for a while. Suffice it to say, my verses about D&D and comic books didn’t sit so well with the hip hop community. I feel it was more powerful than they could handle with their narrow world-views.
I guess I might have made the same mistake Shaquille did… That whole thing about rapping from Reed Richards’ perspective, asking Victor Von Doom how his elastic ass tastes… At least I didn’t repeat it, or -God forbid- try to dance. I recognize my whiteness prevents me from dancing, and I respect others too much to subject them to my vain attempts.
June 27th, 2008 at 8:08 am
FAN-FUCKING-TASTIC ARTICLE DOB!
That whole “Tell me how my ass taste” is quite possibly the most gayest thing I have ever hear. His voice even became gayer. This also comes after the fact I watched the video for Dancing in the Streets.
June 27th, 2008 at 7:40 am
why does kobe bryant cry during sex?
-because of the pepper spray
take that, bryant
June 27th, 2008 at 7:38 am
there are never any bad patrick ewing references
also, this article sounds eerily similiar to something smoove b would have said if he liked rap or basketball
June 27th, 2008 at 7:38 am
First. Take that, world.