We may have more information than any generation before us, but does instant access to video game cheat codes really make life today better than it was hundreds of years ago?
In “All the world’s a stage,” one of Shakespeare’s best-known monologues, he breaks human life into 7 easy to digest parts (he probably could have written for Cracked.com). And while certain details may have changed—longer life spans, fewer children, more bottled wine coolers—their lives don’t seem all that different from ours.
All the world’s a stage,
And all the men and women merely players,
They have their exits and entrances,
And one man in his time plays many parts,
His acts being seven ages.
We still have actors. Hell, we have reality TV!
But every aging classic needs to be occasionally updated for the sake of remaining relevant, and dammit, what’s the modern equivalent to Shakespeare if not me, Cracked.com’s Michael Swaim?
Verily, I doth be. So lets see how we stack up:
The Lines:
At first the infant,
Mewling and puking in the nurse’s arms.
The Analysis:
Okay Billy Boy, you haven’t taken a lot of chances here. It’s a safe assumption that infants are still going to be puking for the foreseeable future. 
A recent study showed that about thirty percent of an infant’s body weight is either green feces or spit-up, and that’s all gotta come out sometime. If anything, the weakness here is a lack of information; yes, you want to stay punchy, but the modern infancy really can’t be described without the mention of some key points.
For example, according to the National Vital Statistics Center, more and more children are being born to women 40 and over, and as a result, Down Syndrome is on the rise. And while infant mortality is dropping for white folks, it’s still rising for “ethnics.” Furthermore, the average household can no longer afford a full-time nursemaid, and tends to lean on a daycare center or Television when it comes to child rearing.
To be fair, these statistics only apply to children born in the United States, but most U.S. historians agree that Shakespeare would have been American anyway if given the choice.
The Revision:
At first the infant,
Snow white and retarded in front of The Wiggles.
The Lines:
Then, the whining schoolboy with his satchel
And shining morning face, creeping like snail
Unwillingly to school.
The Analysis:
Again, you’re right on for the first line or so; kids whine as much as they ever did. In fact, whining seems to be on the rise (or parenting on the wane), as nearly a quarter of today’s U.S. children have seen a health care provider because of behavior problems. The overwhelming majority of diagnoses? ADD and Hyperactivity. So “creeping” probably isn’t the best descriptor anymore. Let’s replace it with “jabbering.”
On the plus side, cars are way more affordable now than in your time. Also, they exist. And with fleets of buses ready to serve, the only kids who still walk to school are the ones who live across the street. Maybe it’s that lack of walking that’s led to the current upswing in childhood obesity. Hopefully the trend will correct itself as all buses fill up with fat kids and the rest are forced to march alongside.
But until then, child obesity worldwide is such a big deal that it actually rivals malnutrition as a cause of death in even the poorest African countries. That means when you see those starving Ethiopian kids on late night TV (another dynamite invention; just chill out for a few centuries), there’s usually a big fat kid just off camera horking down a Twinkie and chortling like Jabba the Hutt.
Also, if you come to school with a satchel, you’re going to get beat down.
The Revision:
Then, the whining schoolboy with his Jansport
And greasy blubber face, jabbering like a howler monkey
In his Mom’s Durango.
The Lines:
And then the lover,
Sighing like furnace, with a woeful ballad
Made to his mistress’ eyebrow.
The Analysis:
Here’s where your monologue starts to kind of fall apart. Romantic love is certainly admirable, and there’s still a place for it in our culture: shitty movies and Danielle Steele novels. But if you’re trying to capture the sexual experience of the modern youth, you have to face the facts that sexual activity in teens has been increasing for twenty years, and has hit more than 50 percent as of 2000. Which isn’t to say the Elizabethan boys couldn’t close the deal; judging from the number of fourteen-year old mothers walking around in 1650, there was just as much clumsy groping going on then as at the proms of our era.
Luckily we future people have found a few tricks to keep those hasty, post-slow dance trysts from turning into full-fledged baby-itis. According to the National Center for Health Statistics, teen pregnancy is actually starting to level off, despite what Bristol Palin might tell you. This is mainly thanks to the modern day practice of slipping a thin layer of rubber between the parts that make a baby, a practice more than three quarters of sexually active teens employ.
It might not be quite as romantic as a “woeful ballad to his mistress’ eyebrow,” but at the end of the day, we don’t have kids tagging along with us to Senior Ditch Day.
Except Bristol Palin.
The Revision:
And then the lover,
Shuffling like geriatric, dances to Greenday’s Good Riddance
With sweaty hands on his mistress’ ass.
The Lines:
Then a soldier,
Full of strange oaths, and bearded like the pard,
Jealous in honour, sudden, and quick in quarrel,
Seeking the bubble reputation
Even in the cannon’s mouth.
The Analysis:
William. Will. Now you’re just getting lazy. Surely, even in your day, claiming that every living (presumably male) human joined the army is a bit of a stretch. And nowadays, it’s one of the least popular occupations there is. 
National figures from the Bureau of Labor Statistics show that while we wholeheartedly support our troops, there’s only about six of us who still want to be one. An Army of One may well become the literal reality, assuming the Iraq war continues for McCain’s estimated 10,000 years (just think how good our tanks will be by then! They’ll probably hover).
Today, the most popular profession for youth is retail salesperson, with a whopping 4.6 million. That’s enough salespeople to harass the 1.4 million fighting men and women at a nearly 4 to 1 ratio. Today’s war is sales, and America’s got the largest army in the world on the front lines, gift cards and barcode scanners at the ready.
As far as being quick to quarrel, the Department of Justice has tracked the steady decline of violent crime in the U.S. since 1993. In fact, violent crime (including, I assume, reputation bubble-based assault) is at its lowest point in many decades. If you buy into Freakanomics, that’s because around 18 years previously, the Roe v. Wade decision let a lot of poor people abort their would-be criminal children. So…yay?
Finally, the thick, full beards of your day don’t really resemble the three-day scruff and “ironic” soul patches we tend to sport. There aren’t any statistics to back that up, so you’ll just have to trust me.
The Revision:
Then a salesman,
Full of hazy store layout information, unshaven,
Apathetic in most things, pro-choice, quick to flame online,
Seeking the perfect Jamba Juice booster combination
Even as he claims it’s become “too corporate.”
The Lines:
And then the justice
In fair round belly, with good capon lin’d,
With eyes severe, and beard of formal cut,
Full of wise saws, and modern instances,
And so he plays his part.
The Analysis:
Again with the beards. So, after they finished their tour in the army, they all became judges? Elizabethan England must have been in dire need of blacksmiths. First off, in our time, tours of duty don’t necessarily end. Secondly, when you get out, your career path is far from assured.
Of the top twenty lines of work sought by veterans, seven are in the realm of “corrections officer” aka cop, guard, jailer et al, and most of the rest involve repairing or maintaining the same type of computer equipment they repaired or maintained while in the military. They also face a 15 percent unemployment rate, according to the Department of Labor, significantly higher than the average citizen.
So not all of them are fortunate enough to line their bellies with good capon—a roasted rooster that was castrated at a young age. And most of the “wise saws” they dispense to the public involve puckered war wounds that, frankly, I just don’t want to see.
Nowadays, people prefer to get their war wisdom from Clint Eastwood movies and their modern instances from a combination of Stephen Colbert and references in webcomics. Hey, who are you to judge? You pood in a pot.
The Revision:
And then the IT specialist
In studio apartment, with IKEA bureaus lin’d
Or else unemployed, with beard of tangled matte,
Full of conspiracy theories, and weird smells,
And so he frightens children.
The Lines:
The sixth age shifts
Into the lean and slipper’d pantaloon,
With spectacles on nose, and pouch on side,
His youthful hose well sav’d, a world too wide,
For his shrunk shank, and his big manly voice,
Turning again towards childish treble, pipes
And whistles in his sound.
The Analysis:
Let’s get this straight: so after all these judges retire, they hang out in slippers, frilled capri pants, and their old tights. Then their voices pull a Thom Yorke, and just sort of stay up there in the falsetto. What you’re describing, dear Will, is a transvestite. And while we certainly have them, they’re no longer an integral phase of the human life cycle.
In fact, our retired folks don’t much cotton to transvestites. And rather than the relative sizes of the world too wide and their shrunk shanks, their dominant concerns (according to the AARP) are Social Security and how goddamned many of them there seem to be. The number of people over age 65 is predicted to increase by seventy percent by 2020, and sixty percent of those are going to need long term medical care.
If 1970’s science fiction movies are to be believed, this trend will culminate in a whole lot of pipes and whistles crying out for mercy while the Mandatory Euthanasia Robots patrol the halls of their Compressed Retirement Dormitory. Of course, that’s unlikely to happen as long as the elderly turn out to vote a whopping 73 percent of the time, far more than any other age group. Come 2050, the young and middle aged may just find dentures digging into their shoulders, walkers driving down into their temples, and youthful hose well wrapp’d around their windpipes.
The Revision:
The sixth age shifts
Into the carelessly open robe and flopping dingus,
With family visiting, and eyes averted,
His Wal-Mart greeter pay well sav’d, a prescription plan too complex,
For his dwindling accounts, and his big manly votes,
Turning again towards the important issues:
Medicare and the gays.
The Lines:
Last scene of all,
That ends this strange eventful history,
Is second childishness and mere oblivion,
Sans teeth, sans eyes, sans taste, sans everything.
The Analysis:
You’d think death would stay pretty static over the years. But you’d be wrong, Mr. Shakespeare, and a damnable imbecile on top of it. It’s almost like, realizing that the rest of your poem was rose-colored hogwash, you overcorrected by ending on a goth’s description of the afterlife. Hint: depressing doesn’t equal art, which is a lesson you could have applied to that sob-fest Hamlet.
Despite your negative attitude, the modern age has presented us with numerous opportunities to turn death into a bizarre spectacle, and we’ve taken every one of them. We’ve turned our dead loved ones into diamonds. We’ve had marching bands play us out and served chocolate covered marshmallows at the funeral. We’ve had our ashes mixed into comic books and stored in Pringles cans and our skin turned into drum sets. We’ve been snorted by our sons. We’ve even stuffed ourselves into a cannon shaped like a fist holding a peyote button and had our ashes shot into the sky with fireworks while Bob Dylan’s “Mr. Tambourine Man” played.
And if certain reputable news outlets are to be believed, we’re going to be able to download our brains onto a computer by 2050, rendering the whole point moot. Sans everything, Mr. Shakespeare? How about sans your downer bullshit? Bring on the Age of Digital Immortality!
The Revision:
Last scene of all,
Before he joins his friends in a non-stop virtual party,
Is a personalized rocket to oblivion,
With boats, and costumes, and quiche, and everything.
When not writing for Cracked, Michael is apostrophizing dead literary figures as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren’t Muskets!
This entry was posted on Wednesday, September 24th, 2008 at 6:00 am and is filed under Life, Measure For Measure, Poetry, Shakespeare, Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
How I Spent My Summer Vacation, By Michael Swaim (Age 24)
The Funniest Comedic Failure in the History of YouTube
Hollywood Gives Up: Keanu Reeves to Play Dr. Jeckyl/Mr. Hyde
The 5 Most Likely Ways Humans Will Become Obsolete
Copyright © 2005 - 2009 Cracked Entertainment, Inc. All rights reserved. CRACKED, CRACKED.COM and the "CRACKED" logo are trademarks owned by Cracked Entertainment, Inc. All rights reserved.
October 8th, 2009 at 1:04 pm
LOVING the article HATING all the flame comments
shhhh! im trying to LAUGH at the funny article
August 25th, 2009 at 7:45 pm
omg that’s Eddie Izzard!
May 23rd, 2009 at 3:23 pm
And the Internet has no move!!
In a stunning turn of events, an attempt to rekindle the flame was vanquished by the winds of apathy.
April 7th, 2009 at 3:24 pm
Did I just poorly attempt to reignite a 6 month old flame war?
Your move, internet.
April 7th, 2009 at 3:23 pm
Look, I don’t think any of us are saying that soliders aren’t complete pussies, lets all just calm down and agree that they are nazis who love nothing more than to bathe in the blood of innocent children.
October 28th, 2008 at 9:05 am
Oh, and get home safe, bud.
October 28th, 2008 at 8:57 am
Thanks, Robert. And I gotta say a quick “I’m sorry” for glossing over one important point. I was trying to say that the kid not even listening to the recruiter was too terrified of the Army concept that he wouldn’t even listen to a job that seems non-dangerous. And, really, the actual WORK of the PSB only involves hazards like paper cuts, especially if you’re doing it at Ft. Polk.
But once you’re deployed, it doesn’t matter what work you do, it’s the actual being there that’s dangerous. Get a papercut in the office, get mortared in your bunk. Sorry, I forget sometimes that combat arms no longer have the getting-shot-at market cornered, they shoot at everybody indiscriminately these days. Really, I’m proud of how everyone is pulling their weight, regardless of MOS.
I got your “Thanks for serving” one beat (yeah, I get it a lot, too). I was indoors, carrying my hat by the brim. Some dude came up to me, thanked me for serving and dropped a damn $20 bill in my open hat! I wanted to punch him. I’m too proud to take your money, but he wasn’t about to take it back. That one was weird.
October 27th, 2008 at 1:51 pm
Wow…
I’m astonished, myself being a fan of TAM!, reading some of these articles, coming across a fucking flame war to end all flame wars on the bottom. Well Maybe not to end all flame wars… shit like this happens alot on the interwebs.
Let me finish this now. I am currently in Afghanistan. I (hilariously enough) am a Human Resource Specialist in the Army. A paper pusher, clerk. You cant make this shit up, promise. I have been here almost five months, my second deployment, and since Ive been here I have been shot at more times than I can count, rocketed, and somebody tried to blow my ass to hell twice with a booby trap…I mean IED. I just like to say booby. I dont know if it was the same person both times though… I really didn’t stick around to ask questions. And yes, you can indeed insult a person in the military. We had a Sergeant get sent back to Ft Polk, and put in jail…apparently he liked little girls…I mean REALLY liked little girls. If your gonna thank a soldier make sure its for soldiering, cause you have no fucking idea what there life is like. “Thanks for serving.” I get that alot at airports, and I cant buy a goddamn thing, its pretty sweet.
Recruiters don’t lie, they just have fancy ways of talking about things. Not lies. And by the time most of us walk into a Recruiter’s Office we already joined in our heads, so, yeah. God knows I did….what a mistake that turned out to fucking be.
Gottasaysomething is pretty much right, the army is , to quote the late great george carlin, “like any other group of people, winners and losers.”
October 27th, 2008 at 12:56 pm
Damn, typo. Didn’t mean to say “THE leaders in the world.” That implies the only ones who are leaders are military. Just meant to say that SOME great leaders are former military, see example.
October 27th, 2008 at 12:53 pm
I was really curious to see where the “Miltary vs. Non-Military” rumble started, and it seems to be that someone called those not in the miltary pussies, to which a civilian responded. The response was very similar to saying that only stupid people join the military.
You’re both right, so stop shouting, it’s pissing me off. During film school, I made a short documentary on Army recruiters and wound up just recording the frustrations of a nice guy getting shot down by whiny pussies. People say recruiters are liars, but I didn’t see him lie at all, he barely got a chance to finish a fucking sentence before the brats ran off screaming at the thought of filing papers as a Human Resources Specialist in a Personnel Battalion (dangerous work).
And having been in the Army for 9 years, I can also tell you it’s populated with a wide variety of dumbasses.
You’re both right. There are also brave firefighters and political activists who have never served a day in the military, but are far from pussies. And there are very educated soldiers that are the leaders in the world (um, George Washington, anyone?).
Well, spent too much time on this. Should get off of Cracked and get some work done.
October 12th, 2008 at 9:48 pm
“Pantaloon” was a synonym for clown back then.
September 28th, 2008 at 10:21 pm
i dont usually read micheal’s stuff, but thhis was pretty good.
September 28th, 2008 at 1:19 pm
>unity of action trumps unity of ideals ninety-nine times out of a hundred.
It is a triumph. A triumph… of the will?
September 28th, 2008 at 9:28 am
re: fact checkin’ cuz
are you seriously asking that?
September 27th, 2008 at 9:49 pm
and at merciless fish, I AM NOT A NAZI, I AM A FACIST!!
September 27th, 2008 at 9:44 pm
Prose, perhaps reproach and insult were alittle much, but they are certainly above a fuck you or any other base form of insults.
I think John kerry was a pompus asshole and disagreed with him, but he far above a something as base as a fuck you. The man risked his life in combat for this country. The Same can be said for anyone who has been through combat.
Putting on a uniform changes little, fighting in battle changes everything.
September 27th, 2008 at 9:11 pm
Holy cow.
America officially scares me. You’re all completely nuts. We’re all going to die.
That said, thanks for the Bard-alicious article, Swaim. Well done.
September 27th, 2008 at 8:48 pm
@Greg&Prose–Thank you-I think you both read my mind.
September 27th, 2008 at 3:58 pm
Metalbrainsurgery: codycastor. Never do you ever say fuck you to someone in the military, especialy that Marines. No matter how much of an ass they are, or how much you disagree with them, YOU NEVER say fuck you to them. Any man that puts his life on the line so that you have the right to belittle him from behind a keyboard is above reproach and insult.
Oh, please. No one is above reproach and insult. Putting on a uniform doesn’t change a damn thing about someone’s personality. If a person is an asshole, then nothing’s going to change the fact that he or she is an asshole.
If we hold back from insulting assholes, then the terrorists have won.
September 27th, 2008 at 12:51 pm
@That Guy:
This article doesn’t have to be a parody of those stages of life. It could also be an adaptation of the exact same concept to the modern world.
hint: It is just that, and you somehow missed it.
September 27th, 2008 at 2:58 am
[...] read more | digg story [...]
September 26th, 2008 at 11:49 pm
codycastor. Never do you ever say fuck you to someone in the military, especialy that Marines. No matter how much of an ass they are, or how much you disagree with them, YOU NEVER say fuck you to them. Any man that puts his life on the line so that you have the right to belittle him from behind a keyboard is above reproach and insult.
September 26th, 2008 at 7:35 pm
Holy ass! Cyber immortality? Sign me up!
September 26th, 2008 at 7:32 pm
Rose-colored? Shakespeare was clearly insulting each stage. An ode to an eyebrow is supposed to be absurd. So is the whiny kid. So is the moronic soldier. So is the fat judge. And the old men in tights. The whole thing is a cynical look at life, and how it’s all shit. So basically, you pulled a “_____ Movie” and actually parodied a comedy while simultaneously not even knowing what it was about.
September 26th, 2008 at 3:27 pm
Are you saying that because there are more old people we should waste more of our taxes on them? What a load of BS.
September 26th, 2008 at 10:34 am
Fools, clearly Swaim is telling us to hook up at cosplayseek.com.
The blessedly unmanful plugsuit commands it.
September 26th, 2008 at 8:02 am
tallmingle.com?
September 26th, 2008 at 7:01 am
enough with the flame war. let’s get some spam going here
I met my big, black soulmate at
CakeFarts.com
September 26th, 2008 at 6:18 am
CodyCastor is a terrorist. There, I said it. If he ain’t with us, he’s against us. Probably supports gay rights too, the liberal fool.
Cody, by failing to enlist you have in effect joined the dark side. You’re one of millions of Americans dead-set on bringing the whole operation down from the inside by attempting to retain your civil rights and freedom in a country that is dead-set on raping him of such liberty. *taps nose*
No, but seriously, sounds like you have utmost respect for our country, but more importantly, respect for the world stage in general, which we treat like our own little game of cops-and-robbers.
America, here’s looking at you, you Nazi regime wannabe supastar.
September 26th, 2008 at 12:53 am
Ah ha ha ha ha!! Seriously, these comment sections are often funnier than the posts. Well done to all (insert golf clap here)
September 25th, 2008 at 11:39 pm
@Das Root–Again, fuck you. I apologize for my low road tactics, but you have imposed your will on me to the point that I shit myself and lost my vocabulary. I’d like to post a striking argument in response to your eloquent comment but, quite frankly, it’s a waste of my fucking time. You’ll disregard my opinion as ignorant trash, post a short story stating this opinion, and the country will be without a great American hero for the duration of your writing process. So I’ll ask one simple question, that only requires a simple response, so that you can go back to rubbing one off to a picture of yourself in full camo and otherwise providing all of us ungrateful, lazy, worthless tools with freedom and liberty. The question is: Exactly how long did you spend writing, proofreading, and re-writing that last comment? My useless clown of a friend and I have a bet. I took the over on a line of 28 minutes.
September 25th, 2008 at 8:42 pm
Hey, guys, you know what you win if you prove you’re right on Cracked.com?
Sweet bugger all. It’s kind of like that joke about getting gold in the Special Olympics.
September 25th, 2008 at 7:18 pm
“@jax–Just for starters, fuck you. ”
Ah, CodyCastor, it’s nice to see that you are taking the high road in responding. Allow me to retort (after the quotes I have included from your posts, that is)…
“It was more the fact the being relatively smart opened up options for me other than sleeping in a sandy tent in the desert, killing people I don’t know for a cause I don’t believe in.”
“I was saying that some people choose not to serve because there are other options available to them that are more attractive than the shit that the military is currently going through.”
“As far as the “stoopid” part, I don’t think I ever said that.”
Ah, but you DID say it. While not stated explicitly in your post, there was a natural inference of the above-stated assertion by Jax that could be reasonably assumed simply by reading what you wrote.
You would be surprised at a lot of the options that were made available to many of us prior to joining the military. Could I have gone to graduate school after college? Yes. Could I have made over $100k annually after graduating? Absolutely – I turned down the offers to join. All of them. Go figure, there are a lot of people in the military just like me.
As for your “more attractive than the shit that the military is currently going through” comment, grant me, if you will, an opportunity to pose a question to get the hamster moving on your wheel: What in the world did you think our military does? Sorry to burst your bubble, but we don’t actually sit around making sugar coated gumdrops in factories made of rainbows and powered by the smiles of immigrant children living together in perfect harmony while at the same time going to school at night and earning an education on the government’s dime. We phased that department out quite a while back. To put it plainly…
[ellipsis, pause for effect]
We kill people. And we are really, really, really good at it. Not because we are a bunch of mongoloid death-mongers with no other options in life, but because we stress the importance of being students of war, thinkers at all levels (from strategic to operational to tactical). War is a mental struggle; it has less to do with killing and more with imposing will.
To pigeonhole those of us who believe this – to include Jax – as “patriot-or-terrorist dickheads” (again, very classy and indicative of the intelligence you possess), you are becoming the very thing that you profess to detest. You have, in doing so, allowed your argument to devolve into a black-and-white concept. While some are indeed of the school of thought you had mentioned, many of us are thinkers who have formed complex and very “gray” opinions about the world in which we live. However, we did swear to “support and defend the Constitution of the United States,” and history shows that unity of action trumps unity of ideals ninety-nine times out of a hundred.
Glad you love our country. I hope that maybe one day you will decide that there is something you can do for it aside from giving it lip service. Let me leave you with a quote of my personal choosing as well (though I have elected not to paraphrase): “Everyone who receives the protection of society owes a return for the benefit.” - John Stuart Mill
Oh, and “Marines” is capitalized. Always.
September 25th, 2008 at 7:01 pm
Metalbrainsurgery hates articles that disagree with him politically.
Metalbrainsurgery is a Nazi.
September 25th, 2008 at 6:25 pm
Shakespeare was Klingon. Don’t you people watch fucking Star Trek. It was clearly stated so by Gen. Chang in Star Trek VI The Undiscovered Country.
I’m glendoor42 and I approved this message.
September 25th, 2008 at 5:53 pm
Listen Bert, you spelled Shakespeare wrong so I’m pretty sure we’re going to have to ignore your take on the subject now…
Besides, everybody knows he’s Australian O_O What’s that you say? Shakespeare was born before Australia was discovered as a country? Darn.
September 25th, 2008 at 5:02 pm
Trolls trolling trolls.
September 25th, 2008 at 4:22 pm
Listen guys, Im pretty sure Shakespear was American I remember my teacher saying so in class..
September 25th, 2008 at 9:56 am
Or else unemployed, with beard of tangled matte,
Full of conspiracy theories, and weird smells,
And so he frightens children.
Once again Cracked.com has taken a page from my life.
September 25th, 2008 at 9:40 am
@jax–Just for starters, fuck you.
I was responding to another asshole who was implying that the only reason anyone would choose not to serve is because they are a pussy. I was saying that some people choose not to serve because there are other options available to them that are more attractive than the shit that the military is currently going through.
As far as the “stoopid” part, I don’t think I ever said that. My best friend from school entered the marines out of high school, and performed two duties, one in Iraq and one in Afghanistan. By no means is my friend stupid, nor do I think members of the military in general are stupid. I have an incredible amount of respect for anybody in the military, because whether they believe in the cause or not, they’re fulfilling their commitment. And when it comes down to it, while I think I could have handled the training and discipline that come with the military, I did choose the easier route.
Also, I do in fact love my country, just not the government that is currently fucking it up, and narrow-minded, black-or-white, patriot-or-terrorist dickheads like you don’t help matters. I apologize if I don’t absent-mindedly accept every action our government, and by extension our military, does in the name of “patriotism”. To paraphrase a qoute, sometimes the best patriot is one who will say fuck the government for the good of the country.
September 25th, 2008 at 9:15 am
@CodyCastor - “It was more the fact the being relatively smart opened up options for me other than sleeping in a sandy tent in the desert, killing people I don’t know for a cause I don’t believe in.”
Are you implying that only stoopid people enter the military? And do you believe in any cause? One has to wonder. I guess you missed the part where the military became voluntary, meaning that basically everyone who joined had other choices and still chose to join anyway.
Some people (military members) actually love their country. Some people (CodyCastor) would rather just piss on those who choose to serve and call them too stupid to be able to accomplish anything else in life.
September 25th, 2008 at 8:08 am
Shakespeare wasn’t American? Bullshit! He’s as American as applie pie!
September 25th, 2008 at 3:12 am
I love Shakespeare. Any article the includes Shakespeare quotes is a winner in my book. However I was rather put off by the “ending on a goth’s description of the afterlife” thing. Mostly because I read Shakespeare’s ending line, thought it was fucking awesome, and then felt upset that you didn’t like it as well.
@ DOB
You know, implying that Gladstone is over 400 years old really shows how damn sexy he is for his age.
So I, for one, am holding onto my Gladstone points.
September 25th, 2008 at 2:51 am
goddamn it Swaim that was funny but long as hell, i have THINGS TO DO
September 25th, 2008 at 12:55 am
great article
September 24th, 2008 at 11:47 pm
Meh.
I kid. Good times. You get three thumbs up. (Well, two thumbs and a penis, but lets not argue semantics. <3 )
September 24th, 2008 at 10:54 pm
Also, Swaim, Politicol jokes are goddamned hilarious. In my best asshole wizard voice, bravo.
September 24th, 2008 at 10:51 pm
Go Logan’s Run!!!
September 24th, 2008 at 10:43 pm
Man, Hunter S. Thompson was a freaking legend! That may just be the greatest picture ever. “top that, asshole” = )
September 24th, 2008 at 9:06 pm
@jmcfarl3– I don’t think I’m dead(but neither did Bruce Willis) and I passed the 3 week old stage long ago(yet still haven’t kicked the nipple addiction), therefore, per vern, I guess I would dominate. Would bo staffs be involved? That would be the kicker, although I can’t say in which direction.
September 24th, 2008 at 8:24 pm
oh I indeed do not hate you swaim, I love your bloging (just not as much as DOB’s or Gladstones, but to be fair they arent mortals). I’m just saying political jokes kinda harm an otherwise funny article if the other person happens to not share your same views on politics. So you’re kinda blowing off half of your demographic right of the bat.
Keep your chin up Swaim, you’re a good man.
September 24th, 2008 at 8:00 pm
crap, thought the chronology was the other way around. Never mind
September 24th, 2008 at 7:59 pm
I really, really hope you’re kidding. In case you’re not, no he was not American. He was English.
September 24th, 2008 at 7:52 pm
“Vern Says:
I always though the 3 stages of life were: Newborns 1-3 Weeks, People who could kick Swaim’s ass in a fight and “Dead””
so who wins in a fight, Swaim or CodyCastor?
September 24th, 2008 at 7:52 pm
Metalbrainsurgery, you hate me. Pretty much all the time. You, a total stranger, have inserted yourself into my life as a villain. WHY would I take writing advice from you? I’ll just keep writing, and you can keep inexplicably reading every word despite not caring for it. Deal?
September 24th, 2008 at 7:41 pm
Mr. Swaim! Do you watch anime?? I am referring to the Asuka cosplay of course. That is one of my favorite series!
September 24th, 2008 at 6:41 pm
@das root, a.k.a. stone cold badass: I never enlisted in the military, and it had nothing to do with toughness. It was more the fact the being relatively smart opened up options for me other than sleeping in a sandy tent in the desert, killing people I don’t know for a cause I don’t believe in.
September 24th, 2008 at 6:32 pm
I’m only 26, and I already let my dingus flop about in the breeze. I’m hoping it will get me a prime spot on an exclusive registry on the internet. I’m working on my mustache and dazed glare for the registry photo right now!
September 24th, 2008 at 5:37 pm
just a note, 4.6 and 1.4 is more like 3:1
September 24th, 2008 at 5:26 pm
A very funny article Swaim, but the political jokes kinda fell flat. For you’re own good avoid politics like the plauge. It’s the stuff that kills funny.
September 24th, 2008 at 5:01 pm
I’m afraid I don’t know the ad to which you’re referring. Is that an energy drink?
September 24th, 2008 at 4:57 pm
Very few twenty-somethings serving in the military nowadays = lack of balls.
That’s why we now have things like Warrior Fitness Boot Camp in New York (great business ideas on the part of the owners; I just have a general disdain for the customers) - “Many people are curious about the training that U.S. Marines go through but do not wish to enlist.” That’s because many people are pussies.
September 24th, 2008 at 4:35 pm
So we work all our suck lives get old we have no money forced to eat cat food (well thats how i pictured old age) AND our limp willys dont work for all those tranvestites…dam it must be no protein in 9 lives AND AND …POO PEE ASSHAT NARSWALD
September 24th, 2008 at 3:58 pm
Actually, the writer of Freakonomics later stated that he no longer believed that the Roe vs. Wade decision had the effect on crime he speculated about in the book.
September 24th, 2008 at 3:44 pm
humbert Says:
September 24th, 2008 at 2:48 pm
On the other side, I did keep maintaing computers after discharge.
Was that an internet p0rn joke?
September 24th, 2008 at 3:31 pm
Not a single Rush reference?
All the world’s indeed a stage,
And WE ARE MERELY PLAYERS!
Performers and portrayers,
Each another’s audience outside the gilded cage.
September 24th, 2008 at 2:54 pm
I think I sold you that bathroom stall footjob….
What a small world.
Ahem…Anyways, this shit is hilarious. Who wants to hang out when we can upload our brains to the internet!? Can we put legs and arms on our legs? Or do you think it would be just like meatwad? I’m thinking, dance party.
September 24th, 2008 at 2:48 pm
20 year-olds aren’t serving in the military? God-damn Americans, with your lack of a draft.
I will have you know my twentieth year was spent in uniform.
On the other side, I did keep maintaing computers after discharge.
September 24th, 2008 at 2:39 pm
Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer The Swaims and arrows of outrageous fortune.
September 24th, 2008 at 2:08 pm
Hooray for Eddie Izzard!
September 24th, 2008 at 1:30 pm
I ditched all my Gladstone points at the first sign of economic downturn. Got me a cheese sandwich and a bathroom stall footjob, if I recall.
September 24th, 2008 at 12:43 pm
Uh-oh O’Brien. I think you might be losing Gladstone points! (they’re very valuable you know)
September 24th, 2008 at 12:27 pm
Gladstone only likes Swaim because he mentioned Shakespeare, someone Gladstone used to hang out with.
(Gladstone is remarkably old.)
September 24th, 2008 at 12:22 pm
Swaim-1 Craig-0
September 24th, 2008 at 12:11 pm
While it’s not as good as mine, I’d like to congratulate you Swaim. Out of all my co-bloggers, I hate you the least.
September 24th, 2008 at 11:42 am
Yeah, Craig, thanks. I totally thought tweens was twenties/thirties, on account of the “tw.”
September 24th, 2008 at 11:37 am
And the diamond link was frightening.
September 24th, 2008 at 11:37 am
Love it. The Logan’s Run pic was the best.
I did find myself wishing the revisions were in iambic pentameter. I was also surprised there were no quotes from the Klingon translations. Does that make me the bigger nerd?
September 24th, 2008 at 11:26 am
OMG Dude, you totally hit the nail on the head. I love the Gary Bussey picture collage.
Jidd
http://www.anonweb.eu.tc
September 24th, 2008 at 10:55 am
I’m shocked at all the anime references in the tween section. 3 of those outfits are anime costumes (Queen Emeraldas, Captain Harlock, and Asuka Langley). Whyfore are thou catering to the anime crowd Swaim?
September 24th, 2008 at 10:29 am
Sure, we’ll be able to download ourselves into computers, but can we re-upload into other host bodies?
September 24th, 2008 at 10:11 am
Renew! Renew!
September 24th, 2008 at 10:10 am
I think you’re confused about what a Tween is; a tween is a pre-teen, like 8-12 years old.
September 24th, 2008 at 10:06 am
That was absolutely brilliant, Swaim. You would have made Billy S. proud, were he not dead and therefore incapable of feeling pride. I had no idea you were a braniac AND a poet. Kudos to you, sir.
September 24th, 2008 at 10:02 am
I always though the 3 stages of life were: Newborns 1-3 Weeks, People who could kick Swaim’s ass in a fight and “Dead”
September 24th, 2008 at 10:00 am
where are all the comments??
September 24th, 2008 at 9:52 am
A wonderfully erratic post, Swaim! Well done. Just as an offhand remark, wouldn’t your last verse be “With boats, and costumes, and kitsch[...]“? I don’t see French egg pie fitting into the context, but whatever rocks your boat, I suppose.
September 24th, 2008 at 9:39 am
Man, that was a great article. Aside from being pretty damn funny, the end there, with the parties and everything, really cheered me up. Not that I was sad or anything, but it did give me a nice warm feeling inside. Thanks Swaim.
September 24th, 2008 at 9:23 am
Good article, but buying into Freakonomics would only tell you that the abortion thing is correlation without causation. That’s the whole theme of the book.
September 24th, 2008 at 9:20 am
Are you sure Shakepseare wasn’t american?Most of his movies are.