Last week the United Kingdom Scouting Association announced that they’ll begin offering their wards practical advice on safe sex, in an effort to encourage young people to “resist pressure to have early sex.” Reportedly this will involve field trips to sexual health clinics, amongst other things, which we presume to mean “instructions on how to fabricate a prophylactic out of a pine cone and some paraffin wax.”
*I should also note here that although they have shared roots, the UK Scouting Association is most definitely separate from the Boy Scouts of America, an organization so conservative that I think they’re now teaching that the Earth is only about 30 years old.
One of the motivating factors held up by Scout leaders for this decision is the large percentage of British teenagers who have an STD. Teenagers are already pretty gross, and having actually spent some time living in England, I can confirm that teenage boys there are probably the most appalling creatures in the world. That they’re also ridden with disease surprises me not in the slightest, and is almost enough to make me feel sorry for the teenage girls there, were they not the second most appalling creatures in the world.
I wonder too how effective this training will be. Unless things have changed recently, aren’t the Scouts the refuge of the squarest kids imaginable? Any young man more interested in knot-work or archery than teenage girls or driving around in shitty cars is probably not, as they say, “celebrated by a large quantity of his peers.” I don’t doubt that somewhere out there are attractive, charismatic young men who happen to enjoy the outdoors and the structure of proto-militaristic organizations. But they surely must be a rare breed, like the Yeti, or Count Chocula. The sort of teen likely to even be in the Scouts long enough to get a merit badge in deep dickin’ is probably the least likely to need it.
I don’t understand entirely how the British school system works, but aren’t they already teaching sex ed? Although it’s dangerous to assume that the whole world discovered boobies the same time I did, I can’t be the first observer to point out the incredible sexualization of the western world over the last twenty years. Sex is everywhere, and the kids know about it. So the odds of teaching a teenager anything new about sex must be pretty slim. Maybe the problem is that English teenagers already know all this, but are also really stupid? Just throwing it out there.
It is good to see the Scouts trying to modernize however. The original mandate of the Scouts was to aid in the development of youths mental and physical abilities to help craft them into useful members of society. A hundred years ago, when mankind was only just barely out of the caves, this mainly meant being able to build campfires, make wooden cars, and tie ropes of differing girths together. But as civilization developed canned meats and celebrity game shows, much of the original skills provided by the Scouts have been rendered useless. Seeing as they’re evidently updating the curriculum, here’s a few more suggestions for programs the Scouts could teach the hoodlums of today to be more productive members of society, or at the very least, more spectacular flameouts.
How to clean spyware off your parents computer.
How to deal with a crazy person on the bus.
How to build your own PVR.
How to buy clothes that fit.
How to tell people you’re in the Scouts without getting beaten up.
How to play Counterstrike for 16 straight hours without using the toilet.
How to stop liking such terrible music.
How to get pay pornography for free.
How to tell which guy in a club will sell you drugs.
How to know when a girl is lying about her age.
How to drink 12 alcopops then harass a Bangladeshi shop owner.
How to hotwire a 1992 Renault Clio.
How to turn a newspaper into an effective weapon.
How to avoid being tried in adult court.
How to grow the fuck up.
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December 17th, 2008 at 11:40 am
How dare you talk about english teens that way! They are upstanding contributors… ok, I cant even get through this sentence, knowing what shit it is.
A few things: The UK Scouts (most likely the original scouts) is almost as culty as the US one, being held primarily in churches and having a large contingent of God Botherers. Also, most UK kids are out of scouts by the age of 11-13, as it’s social suicide after that, so there’s is pretty much no teens in the UK scouts, except for the ones who aren’t getting any pussy anytime soon, anyway.
We do have sex ed (I had my first sex ed lesson at about 10) but, as usual, we have the (retarded) religious types trying to fuck it up, as they can obviously not see the correlation between the very high % of pregnant 14 year olds and the lack of sex ed in school. They’re too busy getting drunk in church, on ‘blood’.
December 1st, 2008 at 6:12 pm
The American Scout movement isn’t all that conservative; at least not where I’m from, most scouts aren’t “squares” either, I was in it partially because it looks good on college apps. You should see some of the Eagle scouts from my old troop… definitely not squares
November 26th, 2008 at 10:57 pm
How about a Merit Badge for avoiding the advances whenever the Scout Master invites you to join him in his tent and cuddle with him because your’e scared???
November 25th, 2008 at 10:11 am
Time to retreat back to the sixties when my biggest concern in scouting was trying to start a fire with no matches. Maybe scouts should have a rating system on merit badges much like the movie industry. Opps, that almost sounds like censorship. Sorry
November 20th, 2008 at 7:51 pm
I’ll weigh in for the Australians here and say teenagers + tents + insufficient or simply not worried supervision = orgies.
November 18th, 2008 at 2:47 pm
I resent your description of british people, just look at some of our fine upstanding young ladies that represent Britain superbly like Amy Winehouse
November 18th, 2008 at 2:44 pm
“Metalbrainsurgery Says:
October 28th, 2008 at 11:19 am
English scouts seem rediculous at their very core. I mean I can understand where American scouts came from. We used to have a HUGE expanse of unexplored land, so scouts here seems logical. England however is an island, and I doubt very seriously that any of it is unexplored.”
Why do you think they’re teaching us sex ed now? I’m talking about some serious caving oooooh yeah
November 18th, 2008 at 2:40 pm
I’m british and its all true !!!! I’m also a casual scout and some people r pretty awful there but there is some good stuff like free booze because our leaders are college students but yes for the most part us british out just diesease infested skunk bags
and yes they do teach sex ed in schools here as well.
Basically scouts r being retarded im sick of sex ed.. It’s taught to a ridiculious level, same with drugs, i’ve learnt how to buy benenrs etc from my school..
November 15th, 2008 at 5:29 am
A major portion of the American Scouting Organization is LDS. No, not on LSD, but LDS as in Latter Day Saint as in Mormon.
Explanation: They’re more conservative than Baptists. Usually. I would know, because I am one (attending BYU in Utah no less). I went through the scouting program, mainly because all of my friends were doing it. Which sounds way lame, but in a LDS culture it’s kinda the status quo. So we weren’t really the squarest kids imaginable… those were the volunteer scouts.
However… being an Eagle Scout = Business Management opportunities out the ears. That’s one thing I don’t regret.
November 14th, 2008 at 7:17 am
Hi, I’m a scout.
Admittedly, I’m in Australia and therefore don’t know anything about badges in Safe Sex, or how conservative the American Scouts are.
But, in my experience, scouts are some of the randiest people around. I’m 18 and have been in scouting since I was 11, and every single scout camp I’ve been on, someone has made out, or gotten laid, or something.
And the badges are updated for modern life - you can do badges in pretty much anything.
So yeah. So much for scouts being sex-deprived.
November 5th, 2008 at 9:51 am
woof was right about what teh scouts awas originally for, conditioning us young impressionable brits to die in the world wars.
and of interest I go to explorer scouts ( a more senior version of teh scouts) and its not too bad. But then again we are about to get kicked out of our scout troop because we dont do anything other than go to lazer quest or yum yums £10 all you can eat.
November 4th, 2008 at 5:39 pm
I’d so have earned the Spyware Badge. Every few weeks, I have to go over and exorcise BOTH my parents’ damn PCs. I just want to scream “Out, evil! Out!” and then format C, it’s that bad. For fuck’s sake, don’t install the registry cleaner! IT’S NOT GOING TO CLEAN YOUR REGISTRY! AAAAGH!
*huff huff*
October 31st, 2008 at 3:21 pm
Clara I have Glaswegian AIDs, it won’t just affect you it’ll spit in your pint, beat you up, leave you in an alleyway and steal your wallet.
October 31st, 2008 at 3:14 pm
Bless your heart, Clara… bless your heart.
October 29th, 2008 at 4:45 pm
A merit badge is boning (women) might be a good enough idea to have kept me scouts. i left when i was 14, cause i had heard of some awesome stories from my dad when he was in scouts (backpacking 50+ miles, firing an M-1 rifle, lighting things that shouldnt be on fire….ON FIRE), we did NOTHING cool ever cause the BSA is now a cheap baby-sitting service, THAT’S IT.
October 29th, 2008 at 2:02 pm
Kingmonkey: Obviously they give us training for this in sex ed. I can’t actually have sex without reading a Bucholz article.
A sick fetish yes, but I’m providing a service to nervous virgin nerds.
Zsasz, as a Liverpudlian girl I find the fact that you expect me to travel to Birmingham to swapshop STIs offensive. Everyone knows the Brummie AIDS is significantly inferior to everyone elses.
October 29th, 2008 at 10:54 am
as a former beaver,cub,scout im shocked how hardcore the movement is becoming.all i remember is the complete lack of poon and my shellsuits bursting into flames from sitting too close to the bonfire.
if anyone has the number of the child catcher from chitty chitty bang bang,can you give him a call and point him towards england.wd19 if he can make it.
October 29th, 2008 at 9:41 am
Wow. For a Canadain you know British teenagers pretty well. Seriously, as one of them myself I can say we are, for the most part, the worst creatures to ever walk this planet. Oh, except for American teenagers. And American adults. And British adults.
October 29th, 2008 at 6:57 am
Fuck England,
Hooray for America!! (Well, Canada isnt so bad. I mean srsly. Clifton Hills ftw.)
Lets all gang-rape Bucholz! Hooray!
October 29th, 2008 at 6:55 am
As a former scout who could be called hip and happening, I find this streotypical and offensive!
October 29th, 2008 at 6:20 am
I’m English, and I found it hilarious, because he describes chavs so godamn perfectly. Christ, I have to use some of those phrases more often.
Oh, and the British scouting movement was mostly to teach young English males to die for their country, which was pretty useful for World War One. I mean, just look at the Somme. If Gen. Haig hadn’t been a Scout leader…
October 29th, 2008 at 3:27 am
I’m both surprised and amused that there is an almost equal amount of people defending the scouts as there are defending the English.
October 28th, 2008 at 11:40 pm
I feel cheated. I always assumed that scouts was about boring things like nature and nature-related things and never joined. Now I find out that it’s all about sex and drugs? They really need to work on their marketing, because they’re giving entirely the wrong impression.
October 28th, 2008 at 9:08 pm
As a member of the Australian Scouting Association for 15 years now, there’s a lot that is hard to explain to people who have had no experience of the organisation outside of cliched TV references. Ignoring the fact that it differs from place to place, in my experience once you hit 14 and move into Venturers (which is for 14 - 18 year olds), all those camps become about smuggling drugs and alcohol in and sneaking off to have sex. Then there’s Rovers (18 - 26) which openly promotes sex and alcohol. They give out condoms upon entry to a camp.
Basically, I’m not sure about American and English Scouts, but it’s not exactly what you think it is.
October 28th, 2008 at 7:02 pm
And Lounsey, some people are just not as naturally gifted as you are.
October 28th, 2008 at 6:35 pm
I hear that all the Irish Scouts’ merit badges involve drinking copiously. Or maybe that was just a wonderful dream I had . . .
October 28th, 2008 at 4:36 pm
Some of these suggested new courses are ridiculous!…it’s well easy to tell which guy in a club will sell you drugs!
October 28th, 2008 at 3:23 pm
I am a British Person. As such I shall refuse to read any more of your articles until the next one comes out.
We are still odd about sex though, I saw a letter in a free newspaper complaining that teaching sex education in Primary school is EXACTLY THE SAME as pedophilia. The person writing this was from a pressure group called Celibrate (celibate and celebrate in a pormanteau, wonders!) who seems to think that our naughty parts infuriate God or some shit like that.
October 28th, 2008 at 3:20 pm
Oh come on, now, J-Pappi… no one’s as old as glendoor.
I remember Red Dawn, and songs like Silent Running. Looking back, it seems kinda retarded that we were afraid of Russians invading us. They were barely holding the Union together. Luckily, the Russian boy scouts were learning valuable winter cannibalization techniques.
October 28th, 2008 at 2:19 pm
Chris is right about teenage boys in Britain.
They’re mostly slack-jawed, brainless grunting slabs of meat held together by tracksuits.
October 28th, 2008 at 2:14 pm
Way to completely cut off your British audience for ever coming back to the site.
October 28th, 2008 at 1:51 pm
Kingmonkey, you probably don’t remember this either (I’m damn near Glendoor’s age), but back in high school in the 80’s they used to pass out pictures of horribly mutated babies in Biology class and tell us that it would happen to our children if we smoked weed. That and the constant threat of Rooskies jumping out from behind every bush “Red Dawn” style made for some mighty paranoid weed smoking though it certainly didn’t slow us down. We were just like “Dude, it’s gonna suck having to take care of a kid with flippers.”
I thus see a bunch of young Limeys banging each other horrified at what their genitalia would to look like afterward but powerless to stop.
October 28th, 2008 at 12:25 pm
@metalbrainsurgery. we had an empire back in the day. we needed scouts to join the army a few years later and and commit wanton acts of genocide upon the native people without getting lost.
and American scouts came from the British scouting movement started by Baden-Powell.
October 28th, 2008 at 12:05 pm
You’ve obviously never been to Cornwall.
I was in the Scottish Scouts, which was Scouts but with that wholeheartedly and endearing Scottish way of trying to prove how goddamn tough we are.
We’d go camping up trees, on the bare sides of cliffs, in the midst of a full-blown gale and pick fights with Cubs troops.
October 28th, 2008 at 11:19 am
English scouts seem rediculous at their very core. I mean I can understand where American scouts came from. We used to have a HUGE expanse of unexplored land, so scouts here seems logical. England however is an island, and I doubt very seriously that any of it is unexplored.
October 28th, 2008 at 11:19 am
meet me in birmingham clara..i’ll trade you some aids for some of that herpes.
October 28th, 2008 at 11:11 am
Clara, you type remarkably coherently for a girl having sex while browsing online. I would suggest that your partner is doing something wrong.
Butch Holes, I assumed that by ‘going to sex clinics’ they meant, ’scare the bejeezus out of the lads with photos of syphilitic genitalia’.
October 28th, 2008 at 10:31 am
As an English girl only just out of my teens I take offense at the assumption we are all stupid, ugly whores.
I just take offense, I’m not saying you’re wrong. I myself am having sex at this moment, harrassing old ladies and Pakistani shop owners and scraping the herpes off my face.
In a bus shelter.
I’m doing it for my bronze Duke of Edinburgh award.
October 28th, 2008 at 9:52 am
OOh! And the reader stops at the 2nd paragraph!
Better luck next time Chris. (I doubt it though).