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If Every Single 'Star Wars: Episode 7' Rumor Was True

#2. Lando Calrissian's Son Is the Villain

SCENE: Kira, Ron, and C-3PO have infiltrated the Jedi Hunters' ice planet lair with the assistance of the Millennium Falcon's new pilot Starshoot Whizpopper (Oscar Isaac), who has no dialogue because his larynx was crushed.

C-3PO: Master Luke! It is so good to see you again!

LUKE: Threepio, old friend! Looks like you've brought the cavalry.

KIRA: DID THEY CHOP OFF YOUR PENIS.

LUKE: What? Uh, no.

KIRA: Cool. [pauses 30 seconds] DO YOU STILL WANT IT.

C-3PO: It's been terrible, Master Luke! I've been trapped on the Millennium Falcon with these two soupheaded blackguards for weeks. Every single day Mistress Kira asked me why I "never take a dump." At one point, Master Ron wondered aloud if asteroids could get pregnant.

Lucasfilm
RON: Hey, man, they do have clitorises.

C-3PO: Also, Mistress Kira was visited by the spirits of the Imperial Emperor and your mentor, Obi-Wan Kenobi. Do you know what she did? She choked them to re-death!

KIRA: Look, if a weird old guy comes up to you and uses the word "destiny," he's calling you a stripper.

LUKE: On second thought, I think I've really made a home in this dingy cell. Feel free to keep my hand.

Lucasfilm
RON: Too late! I gave it to a stray dog.

SCENE: This semblance of a rescue is interrupted by the villains, Stormtrooper Captain Foonia Xeno (Gwendoline Christie), Dark Jedi Wally Universe (Adam Driver), and Lando Calrissian Jr. (David Oyelowo). Lupita Nyong'o is also somewhere in the building, but she too is crazy evil. Trust us, you would not want to hang out with her.

FOONIA: Blah!

WALLY: Blargh!

[Kira and Ron choke Foonia and Wally, obviating their need for further lines.]

LANDO JR: And it is I, Lando Calrissian Jr., who was the mastermind behind this dastardly scheme to kidnap Luke Skywalker! I've been pissed off ever since my father's contributions to the Rebel victory were eclipsed by the Jedi's. For example, my dad blew up the better Death Star!

Del Rey
"Also, his adventures were so exciting, you could mistake them for Prince albums."

KIRA: What did you say your name was again?

LANDO JR: Huh? Lando Calrissian Jr.!

KIRA: Ohhhhhh.

LANDO JR: "Ohhhhhh" what?

KIRA: Never mind. Go on.

LANDO JR: No, by all means, you've already derailed my villainous monologue.

KIRA: Well, how do I put this ... I always assumed Ron was Lando's son.

RON: What?

KIRA: Hear me out! You and Lando are apparently the only two black guys in an entire universe populated by an infinite amount of suns and space and species, so it didn't seem like it was that much of a stretch that you were related.

Lucasfilm
LUKE: Hey, my dad's voice was black!

KIRA: So yeah, it was either A) that you and Lando were related or B) that you were both a single shape-shifter who incidentally could only turn into one of two black men. I just went with the more plausible option.

RON: WOW.

LUKE: I would just like to state for the record that I met this woman five minutes ago.

C-3PO: Mistress Kira, I regret to inform you your observation entirely discounts the existence of the deceased Master Windu, evil Lupita Nyong'o over there ...

Gordon Correll/Wikimedia Commons
LUPITA: Hello! Hiss!

C-3PO: ... and all ancillary Star Wars media, such as comic books and television shows.

KIRA: C'mon, Threepio! Nobody gives a crap about the Expanded Universe. They canceled it!

RSO Records
C-3PO: But ... but ... that means they canceled Christmas.

LANDO JR: Shut up! Shut up! Shut the hell up! Shit and shit and shit! You assholes wouldn't close your mouths in the vacuum of space!

RON: When this adventure is over, I plan to kiss the vacuum of space.

LANDO JR: Screw this, I'm just going to flat-out tell you my evil scheme, and it's "raising Sith Lords from the dead." So here's a resurrected Darth Vader, because he's the only one you give a crap about anyway. God, now I know why my father left this galaxy to make malt liquor ads!

DARTH VADER: [off-screen]

#1. Darth Vader Is the Villain (Again)

SCENE: Everybody looks to the ceiling. Four stories up, Darth Vader (WWE wrestler Sheamus) has just plowed his trusty dirt bike "Droid" through a stained-glass window in slow motion, blasting polychromatic shards every which way. It is powerful, arousing cinema magic.

Dirt Bike Magazine
This was foreshadowed 37 years ago. You just weren't paying attention.

[He points to Lando Jr.]

DARTH VADER: No, I am your father.

[He points to the rest of the cast.]

DARTH VADER: All of your fathers.

[He points to his crotch.]

DARTH VADER: Because your moms have ghost fetishes.

[He is cut off by John Williams' score -- a cliffhanger ending.]

Lucasfilm
Post-Credits Scene: "Also, Luke? C-3PO is technically your brother, so don't fuck him."


Cyriaque Lamar is an editor here at Cracked. He is on Twitter and occasionally writes Star Wars fan fiction for this very site.

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