If Every Single 'Star Wars: Episode 7' Rumor Was True

We previously informed you that the likelihood of any rumor concerning the new Star Wars movie being true is on par with the rumor we're inventing right now that, in Return of the Jedi, the grated trapdoor in Jabba the Hutt's palace was actually a giant toilet (and the Rancor got arch with Luke Skywalker because gangster puppets were raining shit down on him day in, day out).

"Look, man, how else do you affordably accommodate dozens of separate intergalactic species, each with their own unique diets and excretory systems? There's a rainbow of anuses up in here."

But what we didn't tell you is that if one Frankenstein-knits together all of the Episode VII rumors -- regardless of veracity -- you end up with THE MOST EXCITING STAR WARS TO STAR WAR IN THE STARS. Don't believe us? Read our draft below. Be sure to grab an old gym sock, because you're going to have a great big fangasm!

NOTE #1: Spoilers on? No, seriously, your guess is as good as ours!

NOTE #2: In the absence of useful rumors, we used all our brainpower dreaming up the new characters' names.

"To win back the public's trust, you're all named Chewbacca. Even you, Ford."

#4. The Hip New Cast Discovers Luke's Severed Hand

SCENE: Maybe the desert planet of Tatooine, but perhaps another planet defined solely by a single biome or climactic zone, such as Hoth or Dagobah or Humid Shithole VII or Lyme Disease World. We zoom in on starry-eyed would-be Jedi knight Kira Stellatrix Pulsepearl Crispnova (Daisy Ridley) and ex-Stormtrooper Ron Jones (John Boyega).

They are shotgunning fermented blue milk, because that's what unchaperoned younglings do in the Star Wars universe.

KIRA: Ron, look! A severed hand clutching a lightsaber!

RON: Is that a human hand or an android hand?

KIRA: [squints] It's unclear at this point!

RON: Sure is strange that we're unable to distinguish a human hand from a robotic one from a distance of less than a few inches!

KIRA: That's probably a sign that we're frighteningly stupid individuals!

RON: This planet's school system failed us!

KIRA: Try biting it! It could be a hand-shaped sandwich. A handwich!
RON: I already did! It tasted like space!

KIRA: So wait: What if this is a real hand AND the owner already had a mechanical hand SO he got another robo-hand SO now he has two mechanical hands AND he can spin them around really fast AND fly like a helicopter?

RON: Yeah, I bet he got surgery to replace his biological hand and the doctor was all like "Time to toss this bloody hand out the starship window, because space is just one big garbage dump."

KIRA: My teacher said half the universe is ancient urine!

RON: I bet that's why he threw out his lightsaber. Who needs light when you got fists?

KIRA: Let's cut off our hands and choke people!

[Thirsty for adventure and intoxicated on cerulean space yogurt, they do.]

#3. Enter the Ewoks and Boba Fett

SCENE: The Millennium Falcon. Han Solo and Chewbacca have tasked Kira and Ron with finding the rest of Luke Skywalker's body, which now has a beard. They fear Luke has fallen prey to a trio of evil "Jedi Hunters" (and/or Mandalorian mercenaries and/or Sith Witches). C-3PO accompanies our plucky duo, as they now sport rusty black-market cyborg hands that resemble giant crab pincers, and C-3PO does not have a windpipe.

KIRA: Do you think they cut off Luke Skywalker's dick?

RON: Oh, most definitely. That's where Jedi store their Force juice.

KIRA: But where would I store my Force juice?

RON: You'd have to chop off a Jedi's dong first and then plop it in a gunnysack. That's what my only cousin's only uncle's only son told me.

KIRA: Fuck that. I'd graft that shit onto my right stump. "Run, here comes Darth Handcock!" is what everybody I know would shout.

C-3PO: My word, you two are quite the pair of nattering ghouls.

RON: Aw, lighten up, Threepio. You weren't always such a prude.

C-3PO: I'll have you know that was a production error.

[The Millennium Falcon idles past a lush planetoid.]

RON: Hey, Threepio, what's that? Do people I can choke live there?

C-3PO: That, Master Ron, is the forest moon of Endor. It is inhabited by the Ewoks, a sentient species of pygmy bears-

[Ron points the Millennium Falcon's hyperdrive squarely at Endor's atmosphere. His landing incinerates millions of acres of pristine old-growth rain forest.]

EWOK #1: Yub nub! [dies]

KIRA: D'awww! I can't choke these Ewoks. They're so cute! And on fire!

[A too-cool-for-school silhouette emerges from the arboreal inferno.]

BOBA FETT: Don't be stupid. The Ewoks are the biggest sinners in this star cluster ... besides me.

C-3PO: No, the merciless bounty hunter Boba Fett! But you perished by the maw of the mighty Sarlacc at the Great Pit of Carkoon!

BOBA FETT: Excuse me, this 1994 Micro Machines playset is clear evidence I was present at the Battle of Endor.

"Yoda and I faked our deaths, because we are secret best friends."

BOBA FETT: For the past 30 years, I've hidden myself on Endor, allowing my badass mystique to slowly regenerate, living off the land and barbecued Ewoks.

C-3PO: You cad!

BOBA FETT: I'm doing the galaxy a favor. You see, the Ewoks are actually tiny, naked, insane old men. And their fur is a thick, fibrous layer of matted feces that confers no survival benefit except dysentery.

KIRA: Why were you eating them?

BOBA FETT: Uh, next question.

EWOK #2: Yub nub! [has diarrhea, dies]

C-3PO: Why must you tell us this, 30 years later?

BOBA FETT: In my dreams last night, I was visited by Greedo's ghost, some Midi-chlorians, and my clone-father's floating, decapitated head. They said this new information would make you sad.

KIRA: On the contrary!

[The Ewoks go extinct.]

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Cyriaque Lamar

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