For all the world-famous musical artists out there who read my column each week, let me throw a little truth at you: If you're thinking of doing a Pepsi commercial, know that no matter how much they're offering or how extraordinary their vision, Pepsi will never, ever know how to make you look cool. It's not for want of trying, either. They just suck at it, and somehow in the 30 years that they've been working with musicians, they've only gotten worse. To see their spectacular decline, compare these early ads with Michael Jackson ...
To the current humiliating exploitations of famous names:
Granted, it's hard for any musician hunting for credibility to look sincere while singing about how everyone should really try this bone-brittling sugar water, but for God's sake, Pepsi, stop asking girls who have spent their entire lives choosing singing over sports to throw things.
Assuming that this trend continues, you can look forward to watching at least one Pepsi commercial during this Super Bowl through your hands, but you can rest assured that those hands will be filled with money.
When the audience is largely male, a surefire way to keep them engaged is to fill the screen with precariously covered mammary glands. Advertisers want to remind you of all the things you like about women -- big breasts, big butts, big vaginas, and so forth -- but in doing so, they sometimes forget that they still have a product to sell. Go Daddy is the biggest culprit, running commercials during every Super Bowl since 2007 that might as well be for lady parts, because they never get around to explaining what they actually sell.
And Go Daddy certainly isn't the only corporation that's mounted the sex wagon. The mentality seems to be that if you don't have something interesting for sale during the Super Bowl, pretend you sell sopping-wet women instead.
I know it's no surprise that sex sells, but these ads are so far removed from the original point of the commercial that distant generations will think we were just really open about sex trafficking. Or maybe it will be even worse in the future and every commercial will just be a close-up shot of a company logo expertly shaved into pubic hair.
While I can't be absolutely sure that the other entries on this list will show up during the game, I hereby promise that you will see at least one woman hawking stationery or software or something equally innocuous while wearing a bathing suit, and if for some reason that never happens, then I encourage you to write to Adam Tod Brown for a full refund.