My iPod, a slick 60 gig red and black number, recently had its fifth birthday. I took the opportunity to brag to all of my friends about how long my iPod has lasted, and how it will never ever break.
Naturally, the God I don’t believe in took this (and maybe the me not believing in him stuff) as a challenge, and sent a gust of angelic wind to rip “Broken Arrow” from my hands just as I was about to lock in Air’s “Talky Walky,” my favorite going downstairs music. Tragically, I was going downstairs at the time.
A series of heartbreaking sounds followed: First, the sounds of my little man bouncing blithely down each stone step of our apartment building and into the street. Seconds later, as I cradled his injured frame in my arms, came the horrific clicking sound of his hard drive’s death rattle, like a thousand hearts shattering in unison.
And finally, nothing but silence. A grim, dire silence couched in the whistle of a summer breeze blowing as if to remind me that there actually is a world outside my headphones. I’m telling you, it was terrible.
So I’ve been iPod-less for a few weeks now, and singing loudly wherever I go is starting to get tiresome, especially since I only know like half the words to most songs and just kind of improv. But the sad fact is, I can’t afford a new 60 gig. At least, not without cashing in some of my stocks, and I’m kind of waiting for my WaMu shares to rally a bit first.
In the meantime, I spend a lot of my day scrolling up and down Apple’s website, debating with myself about whether to buy one of them fancy new iPod Shuffles to tide me over. The debate goes something like this:
ME: Alright brain: the new iPod Shuffle. Let’s think the shit out of it.
ALSO ME: What’s to think about? Click buy right now and you could be grooving to Marley and the Wailers in your underwear this time tomorrow.
M: Look, I know, I know! It sounds appealing, but let’s think this through. We don’t want a repeat of the Abdo-er debacle.
AM: But it’s new, and it’s from Apple! It’ll raise your social status modifier like three points.
M: First of all, never use the word “modifier” in that context again. Secondly, the thing’s got some serious flaws. For starters it only holds 1,000 songs. That’s basically just the Elvis Costello folder. You really want to jog along to “Shipbuilding”? It’s fucking depressing.
AM: Just put “Solsbury Hill” on there on repeat and you’re good to go. You know this. We’ve been through this.
M: It doesn’t even have any buttons!
AM: Get with the times, gramps. The world of tomorrow is all about smooth, featureless steel without personality or character. Didn’t you see Minority Report?
M: There’s no screen, no interface, nothing. How do you even pick your songs?
AM: Easy. You just press the button on your headphone cord once to pause, once to play, twice to skip ahead, three times to scan ahead—
M: I thought it was twice and hold.
AM: No, I think that’s to scan backwards. Or access your playlists. Oh no wait, to access playlists you beat it against your face.
M: What if you want to reshuffle?
AM: You press up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, Start.
M: Ha! Lulz. I’m so funny. But seriously, that sounds like a fucking nightmare.
AM: But it’s smaller and there’s less to press! Therefore it must be easier to use. Apple wouldn’t make a product that was counter-intuitive.
M: But if the buttons are on the headphone cable, that means I have to use those shitty Apple earbuds, right? The ones that hurt my ears after 10 minutes and sound like crap strained through a speaker?
AM: Well, maybe that’s what you deserve for having such misshapen ears, you hideous freak.
M: I’m still not convinced.
AM: But it talks to you! It says the names of the songs, right in your ear. How cool is that?
M: As cool as it was 14 years ago when my Apple II did it.
AM: But now you’ll always know what song is playing! No more tedious waiting for the chorus or a recognizable riff! No more confusion! No more fear! And just look at it. Look at it in that guy’s hand. It’s so tiny! If you hold that thing next to your dick it’d look like a goddamned anaconda.
M: I don’t care how tiny—
AM: Did you see Anaconda?!
M: Why do you keep asking me what movies I’ve seen?! It makes no sense! You know what movies I’ve seen!
AM: Buy this electronic wonder box and hang it off your dick.
M: No! Although…
AM: Right? Listen, buy it or I’ll make you keep thinking about it every 10 minutes for the rest of your life. I’ll have you on this website, scrolling up and down, reading customer reviews for hours on end. You will literally waste a third of each day analyzing the tiny minutiae of how your life would be impacted by the purchase of this singing tie clip.
M: FINE! I’M BUYING IT! JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!
At that point I usually scream incoherently or else someone walks by and asks why I’ve been silently staring into space for 20 minutes. But it was all worth it, because I’m happy to report that I’m now the proud owner of three iPod Shuffles!
My ears may hurt, and I may not be able to navigate through the file directory with anything that could be called accuracy, but I’ll be damned if my penis isn’t larger than ever (perceptually speaking). In fact, if you ask me, Apple’s ad campaigns are really making a mistake neglecting that valuable feature.
This entry was posted on Tuesday, March 31st, 2009 at 10:00 pm and is filed under Apple, Computers, Internet, Macintosh, Uncategorized, iPhone, iPods, iTunes. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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November 3rd, 2009 at 9:42 pm
LOL!! This is awesome. Ah Swaim, you’re still my favourite (though DOB is gaining on you…not fast enough but).
“Up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, start” — hilarious!!
October 29th, 2009 at 10:37 pm
Craigslist w4m NSA, Seattle w4m Chicago w4m New York, Cleveland, San Francisco Portland, San Antonio, Houston, Las Vegas, Los Angelas, Sacramento, Orlando, Dallas, friends and hot gals live and local. Get some on Halloween! http://budurl.com/localbuddies
October 26th, 2009 at 7:04 am
first of all, i love your stuff. this was hilarious. but the last picture is of a chick and you’re suppose to be pointing to her wang. is it suppose to be symbolic? like if you buy one you will actually become so demasculated that you start wearing lady jeans. can i go with that? yea, ill go with that.
August 28th, 2009 at 2:28 am
Talkie Walkie, that’s a great CD man
August 26th, 2009 at 2:21 pm
i definately think your right ‘goodtime’ i mean.. i think the article was funny and ppl just gotta calm down… i suppose ppl with no lives need to argue over the internet here… abut nothing mind you….
August 14th, 2009 at 9:48 pm
Its so effective it can make a chick look like shes got a huge dick.
August 7th, 2009 at 7:36 am
Hahaha. That’s definitely a woman. I’ve never seen a guys waist shaped like that.
August 4th, 2009 at 4:22 pm
That…Person looks like a chick…Long nails.
August 3rd, 2009 at 4:03 pm
damn, what a huge penis.
did you make sure to thank your shuffles michael?
July 29th, 2009 at 2:40 pm
@reverend_funk;
I don’t think it matters how original the opinion is. In fact, the more people that can relate to it, the more successful the article should be. Theoretically.
Really, all that matters is how funny it was (personally, I loved it).
June 29th, 2009 at 4:10 am
blow ipuddle of garbage - When you were younger people used to say the same things about bill gates, and the people at apple were the shining beacons of light sent to save us all from the evil empire that was microsoft. Now people who have only grown up around apple are starting to see them as evil overlords intent on stealing all our money and giving us poor quality goods in return.
your opinion is nowhere near original.
June 23rd, 2009 at 10:25 am
Does it really matter if the new shuffel is crapy or not i just liked the article you guys should stop having pointles flame wars on who is right just read the article and colombus… Wtf is wrong with you? teling someone you hope they die because they dont like a ipod? you should see somone about that……
June 16th, 2009 at 1:57 pm
Shut the fuck up, blow ipuddle of garbage, the only garbage here is you. Seriously, shoot yourself. Let’s see you design anything better. And the fact that you basically wrote a short essay to protest against the ipod clearly indicates that you have serious issues.
May 25th, 2009 at 2:17 pm
actually buttlickers…it’s :: up,up,down,down,left,right,left,right,b,a,b,a,start or select start if two players and it WAS Contra!!!!
May 23rd, 2009 at 8:26 pm
the new shuffle is a freakiin crappy concept that apple spent tons of money on and didnt want to waste the investment so now theyre trying to get the public to think its this new innovative machine WRONG! why the hell would i spend $100 for a little mp3 player that doesnt even allow you to scan through your songs not too mention the FACT that you cant’ use it effectively with your car stereo… who DOESN’t especially use their ipod with their car stereo…. ok can you imagine…. youre listening to your new podcast on your new $100 ipod in the car and there’s a commerical …. oh wait! I can’t fucking skip the commercial because APPLE decided that they would not eat the cost of their think tank prototype that is worth shit and delibrately sell it to the public at 30x what its actually worth good job APPLE good job at losing credibility for someone who owns two iphones an iphone shuffle 2gig 2nd generation and a 1gig shuffle and now this horrendous peice of trash worthless excuse of a mp3 player that would be more useful as a memory stick..!
apple if you continue to sell shit software at ridiculously high prices consider your profit in the market a fucking huge and unending void of productivity as for this former apple lover…. im going to microsoft or amazon.com for a previous incarnation of the shuffle why did you deliberately sell us shit APPLE you fuckin bastards… i couldve spen this money on organic food or something… wtf! do you think the american people are this stupid yes i am but i will learn from this absolute fucking mistake… to invest in your company again! you need to fuckin apologize or come out with wireless remote in the next month that lets you scan through the songs without your gay fucking headphones that do absolute shit, which is where your company is heading if you continue to peddle this garbage… yes its gimmicky, but not useful grow up APPLE after 6 years profit treat us fucking customers with a little respect take you stupid ads off the internet and tell us what youre really selling like you always have before…
and if you want a monopoly on the headphone market… well i seriously doubt youll get it because a lot of people have serious doubt concerning your previously high rates in credibility… i will not invest in your company again without an apology or a CHEAP accessory to use my ipod withouth the headphones made by APPLE … this country is in enough fucking trouble without our most productive producers selling us shit products at ridiculuous prices…
May 20th, 2009 at 1:39 pm
“Buy this electronic wonder box and hang it off your dick”
Well maybe I will.
May 18th, 2009 at 11:23 am
Dustin…you dumbass
May 8th, 2009 at 6:00 am
U guys av really discouraged me from gettin’ the shuffle.
I cant memorise all dat instructn.
April 21st, 2009 at 12:35 pm
its the freakin contra code and most of you are probably all too young to know what that is other than hearing it in songs. and both the ipods and the zunes suck ass look into some decent media players instead of the two biggest names
April 12th, 2009 at 10:10 pm
Dustin,
If you pay attention to what Swaim writes then you know he plays a lot of games.
The joke’s from the Konami code, which that song also took it from.
Unfortunately being the internet it’s impossible to tell if anyone’s serious or misinformed.
Since I said that last line you can now act like you were just joking.
April 10th, 2009 at 6:08 pm
“You press up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, Start.”
Swaim…you took that from Juno’s “Anyone Else But You” song. O well…at least you referenced it. Actually you didn’t…o well…article was still great.
April 8th, 2009 at 2:21 pm
I noticed that this is not the first time you mention this topic. Why have you decided to touch it again?
April 7th, 2009 at 8:44 am
Hilarious!!
April 6th, 2009 at 5:30 am
Oh my sweet Jeebus, Swaim. Seriously, Air?
I don’t think we can be friends anymore.
April 4th, 2009 at 10:27 pm
Did you just make a Moldy Peaches reference?! Although I suppose it’s even sadder that I caught that.
I don’t understand why anyone would buy a 16 gig iPod Touch when you could get a 120 GB Classic for roughly the same price. Your iPod can simulate drinking alcoholic beverages? I’d rather carry around every episode of any series I feel like and still have plenty of room for dozens of full length movies and every album I own.
April 4th, 2009 at 9:54 am
Mmm… Air, Talky Walky. Downstairs!!!
April 3rd, 2009 at 11:36 pm
Gladiator mice. That is all.
April 3rd, 2009 at 11:58 am
Also, I remember when Walkmans came out. Good times, good times…
April 3rd, 2009 at 11:42 am
I like the style of this one. I loved the argument with yourself (it sounded oh so familiar).
April 3rd, 2009 at 11:09 am
Swaim-mmy I would much rather watch your too funny video’s then the . . well you seemed upset about it so I will leave it alone.
April 3rd, 2009 at 2:51 am
Apple ain’t no Snapple! Suckas
April 3rd, 2009 at 2:46 am
Why would you want to randomize 1000 songs anyway?
A 1GB shuffle was plenty big!
And these ones have crappy headphones!
Grr…..
April 2nd, 2009 at 9:08 pm
I like my current 2nd gen shuffle, and might have actually bought this myself if I wasn’t forced to use to Apple’s terrible earbuds with it. Seriously, improve them. No matter which iPod you buy, even if you spend well over $300-400 on the more expensive ones, you still end up with sh*t headphones. Sweet. Just what I wanted with my music: Physical pain.
April 2nd, 2009 at 8:45 pm
seems that you drop a lot of your expensive electronic devices, Maybe you are too clumsy for this crazy new digital world. Time to buy yourself a nice gramophone.
April 2nd, 2009 at 5:26 pm
My going downstairs music is Souljacker by Eels. Unfortunately the last time I used this I almost knocked 3 people out.
April 2nd, 2009 at 4:14 pm
Air’s album is actually spelled “Talkie Walkie”
April 2nd, 2009 at 4:01 pm
I always thought the sound coming through those earphones was more like crap ground in a meat grinder, run over with a large truck or perhaps freight train, /then/ strained through a speaker.
Maybe that’s just me.
Also, I think that last picture is a female, as many others said.
If she wants her crotchal region to look more manly, well, good luck to her.
April 2nd, 2009 at 2:48 pm
That sounds quite a bit like my internal arguments every time I have to make a decision.
And every few seconds I remind myself that I know everything I do. Yeah, it’s just as stupid as it sounds…
April 2nd, 2009 at 10:10 am
@Pedgerow I remember those days… back when I was a kid. I mean if I were on a hike, then I wouldn’t bring the ipod… but when you’re trekkin through the city and all you hear is traffic… you’d rather drown that shit out.
April 2nd, 2009 at 10:08 am
from your description of the ipod shuffle, I don’t think I would ever want to own one. My music mimics my moods, and sometimes I just want to listen to a particular song, if I had to shuffle through them all… I’d totally lose my shit.
Also, staring into space for 20min losing arguments with yourself, common occurence in my realm.
But yea, great article. I don’t know what the external environment sounds like. Without my music… man I don’t know what I’d do (and you lasted a FEW WEEKS?! Impressive.)
April 2nd, 2009 at 9:48 am
Am I the only person in the world who just doesn’t “do” MP3 players? Seriously, I tried one once and realised I would rather hear the sounds of nature and my thoughts. I can listen to my own music at home. Now I use my bargain-brand MP3 player (which can hold about 12 songs) as a USB drive. Except I never need a USB drive, so it just sits and gathers dust.
April 2nd, 2009 at 8:40 am
1,000 songs you say? My mp3 only holds about 600. It’s one of those dollar store brands.
April 2nd, 2009 at 7:14 am
I saw many people are discussing this on the forum of tall people relationship site called ____Tallmingle.com. You may go there to check it if you are interested.
April 1st, 2009 at 11:56 pm
Apple is for GAYS. Okay Swaim. . .now I know for sure.
Suck on Steve Jobs.
April 1st, 2009 at 10:39 pm
Why would you want to buy any sort of iPod? There are better, cheaper MP3 players out there. The only thing iPods have going for them is an incredibly good marketing campaign.
April 1st, 2009 at 9:57 pm
Just because we use cheats doesn’t mean we’re not smart.
Shuffles are the scourge of the earth, and every single one I ever encountered broke within two months.
Plus they look retarded without a screen.
April 1st, 2009 at 9:09 pm
..that picture at the bottom looks like a girl.
April 1st, 2009 at 6:58 pm
Funny, I thought my cousin and I were the only ones who can stare into space and lose arguments with ourselves. I guess the gift (or plague, if you still have your sanity) isn’t unique.
Dammit, Swaim! But the article was really good.
April 1st, 2009 at 6:39 pm
aw. i thought you were a theist.
April 1st, 2009 at 5:44 pm
LOL - Modifier. Got it. You RULE!!
April 1st, 2009 at 5:19 pm
I have no use for these expensive ear aches as I my workplace is a meer ten minute walk across town. 15 minutes is I saunter.
As for the penis thing, I married a girl with small hands…
Hooray for me!
April 1st, 2009 at 4:51 pm
thank god someone else hates ear buds and notices the huge fucking monopoly apple has created on the new shuffle. And Apple gives u a big middle finger if your song starts off right away because that damned robot talks right over it.
April 1st, 2009 at 4:40 pm
My penis, eh? Might Have to look into that. Also, your tile was the best part. and the dick stuff. Might want to work on it, you sex addict. Fuck a pole and see how big your penis feels after that, hmmmm?
April 1st, 2009 at 3:52 pm
I think that not every one liked this one… but I did … I laugthed so hard my parents asked me what’s my problem xD
April 1st, 2009 at 3:43 pm
That actually doesn’t make your penis look big. That makes a penis look deformed.
April 1st, 2009 at 3:07 pm
“I didn’t find this funny or amusing, almost seemed like a not-so-sly plug for Apple. Usually I enjoy cracked articles.”
Did you miss the part where he talked about the counter-intuitive interface? Or the shitty earbuds? Or the not so new voice feature? Or the small number of songs it holds?
Also, Elvis Costello is an overrated ballsack.
April 1st, 2009 at 2:43 pm
Geez … apparently y’all didn’t find this funny? Maybe I’m just having a good day … big lulz here.
April 1st, 2009 at 2:15 pm
danr is just upset because he/she/it can’t speak German.
Also ‘danr’ likes to insult someone else’s name.
Nice, nice to see a 7 year old simpsons’ fan defend an 8 year old simpsons’ fan.
April 1st, 2009 at 2:07 pm
Odin is a Michael Swaim hater?!?!?!?!
FUCK YOU!
April 1st, 2009 at 1:49 pm
This article was lame, boring and about as funny as a sack of dried dog shit.
April 1st, 2009 at 1:31 pm
the title was the funniset part.
April 1st, 2009 at 1:24 pm
Erika ur a Hermaphrodite?!?!?!?!
FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-
April 1st, 2009 at 1:24 pm
Wow, I just answered my own questions today. Hate to gloat, Mr. Swaim, but I just traded my old Mac G4 green tower I got at a garage sale for 25 bucks for an Ipod Touch 8mb thats barely a month old. Craigslist and young fools are wonderful things.
April 1st, 2009 at 1:19 pm
Wait….is that a girl in the picture? Oh…hahaha! I just saw the comment below me. kcdilla thinks so too… well. I don’t know about you girls, but i would LOVE my dick to look bigger.
April 1st, 2009 at 1:09 pm
@Joe…That IS a girl in the picture… hahaha
I’m guessing she dosn’t have a penis…
But if she held it by her boobs thats another plus…
Hahaha
April 1st, 2009 at 1:08 pm
@Cherlindrea & lbh:
Yes, Solsbury Hill is definitely Peter Gabriel, but if I was going to break Swaim’s balls on the misspelling of a song title, I at least had to compliment his previous statement about his extensive Elvis Costello collection.
April 1st, 2009 at 12:52 pm
“It’ll raise your social status modifier like three points.”
Not necessarily, my good man! I got one from my parents as a gift. In their ageless wisdom, they decided to choose a color that would make me look more like the female that I am. So now I have a blindingly gay pink iPod Shuffle that some people will comment to as being “like, totally cute”, while others point and laugh.
April 1st, 2009 at 12:46 pm
I didn’t find this funny or amusing, almost seemed like a not-so-sly plug for Apple. Usually I enjoy cracked articles.
April 1st, 2009 at 12:43 pm
An Ipod with no buttons?
FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-
April 1st, 2009 at 12:41 pm
Hitler is Awesome comrade Hitler! Your Swastikas are a bit off my friend. Want some Borstch and Vodka? HO HO HO. Why don’t we SHOOT over to Benito’s house for Spaghetti Da?
April 1st, 2009 at 12:33 pm
@Joe: And the hips, and the groin, and pretty much everything. I mean, really, hands? A dude could have those hands. Some dudes HAVE those hands. I know, the world is a sad place. Let us pray.
April 1st, 2009 at 12:30 pm
It is bad that my penis made the iPod shuffle look big???
April 1st, 2009 at 12:24 pm
panzer…
is so right…simpsons suck grated balls through a straw; and so does anyone whose childish enough to like them.
on a related note….amazing article
April 1st, 2009 at 12:18 pm
The funniest part is I’m pretty sure the person in the pic is a chick. Note the nails and the wrist bands.
April 1st, 2009 at 12:12 pm
Wow… nice going Hitler… you didn’t even make your swastika right… God! Your such a Tard…. If you weren’t… then you wouldn’t be dead… would you???
April 1st, 2009 at 12:06 pm
yay, that doucher dr. chaos or w.e didnt comment… what a cunt
April 1st, 2009 at 11:59 am
I’m perfecly happy with my ancient Muvo from Creative.
It’s like the AK47 of mp3-players. Crude, probably old, but very reliable.
April 1st, 2009 at 11:58 am
The cheat isn’t just from Contra. It’s the legendary “konami code”. Any game developed by Konami has that somewhere in it.
April 1st, 2009 at 11:42 am
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April 1st, 2009 at 11:40 am
Anyone else notice how big Mike’s penis looked today?
April 1st, 2009 at 11:37 am
wow, contra? I know that cheat from street fighter 2 arcade, debug mode…..
April 1st, 2009 at 11:33 am
those earbuds did suck. i bought those bose in-ear phones though, worth every penny. music sounds amazing and they are really comfortable
April 1st, 2009 at 11:15 am
Lol nice contra reference.
up up down down left right left right b a start.
April 1st, 2009 at 11:05 am
Dude, freaking earbud headphones suck. I must have freakishly tiny earholes, because they NEVER fit in my ears. I can’t use my $40 bluetooth either, because my ears are too small.
April 1st, 2009 at 10:58 am
Points to the first person who can identify the game which the up down up down left right left right b a start cheat is from???
April 1st, 2009 at 10:51 am
I don’t think the apple earbuds are that bad. I had a pair of earbuds one that sounded a million times better than the apple ones, but they couldn’t stay in my ears at all. They just kept on falling out. At least the apple ones stay in.
April 1st, 2009 at 10:44 am
I love the fact that every iPod has a shuffle option.
April 1st, 2009 at 10:35 am
Why didn’t you just go and buy a cheaper, off brand thing with a screen to tide you over?
April 1st, 2009 at 10:34 am
Hmm.. I looked at the web page flogging the ipod shuffle and it seems i need quicktime to view it, I clicked on the quicktime download and it seems to require an apple os. Presumably this means i need an apple computer. Before I go any further, can anyone confirm whether i need an apple brand generator (running on special apple fuel) to provide apple electricity for the apple hardware?
I think i will stick to creating my own comb-and-paper tunes as i walk around.
April 1st, 2009 at 10:32 am
I had to stop reading right here:
At least, not without cashing in some of my stocks, and I’m kind of waiting for my WaMu shares to rally a bit first.
Just to say “Awesome! That was Awesome!”.
April 1st, 2009 at 10:13 am
I’m pretty sure that’s a girl in the apple ad. Though, considering that it’s a hipster, it’s hard to say.
April 1st, 2009 at 9:59 am
LOL the funniest thing i’ve read all week!!
the earbuds - priceless..!
oh but i do not see the proportionate giganticness of your dick in the picture - prolly cos it’s a girl in the picture, but whateva…
April 1st, 2009 at 9:35 am
it really does make that girls penis look bigger!
April 1st, 2009 at 9:28 am
Thank you Swaim. I now feel much better about myself knowing that I’m not the only person who has entire conversations with myself in public. I’m really tired of this happening to me:
Someone Else-”What are you thinking about?
Me- ” . . . Oh ummm, I’m not thinking I’m talking.”
SE- “With who?”
M-”Go away please, I’m trying to have a conversation here.”
April 1st, 2009 at 9:00 am
oh my god this was the funniest thing I’ve read all day, I could not stop laughing. you are a god amongst us freaks.. much love
April 1st, 2009 at 8:57 am
Ha! I fixed it. Now no one will ever know…unless they read your comment.
April 1st, 2009 at 8:51 am
Give him a break for mispelling “Whalers”. His iPod shuffle doesn’t even have a screen!
April 1st, 2009 at 8:32 am
Props on your choice of downstairs music.
April 1st, 2009 at 8:31 am
that’s a woman in the apple ad, you silly man.
April 1st, 2009 at 8:26 am
@ JStanshall
I’m in if it’ll help make Mr. Swaim happy…
April 1st, 2009 at 7:58 am
Is this entire article a scam to get all of us to buy a new 60 gig iPod for you? ‘Cause I’ll fork over a couple bucks now.
April 1st, 2009 at 7:33 am
Captian_Cranky, if it did that, I’d have baugh two already….although….I havn’t try it yet…..This involves investigation! Who wants to test this theory. If the Ipod Shuffle increases dick size, can it increase boob size?
I know I’d want to know, isin’t that right me?
‘That is correct without a doubt!’
April 1st, 2009 at 7:15 am
@ Panzer stupid name
Worst comment ever…
April 1st, 2009 at 7:09 am
Question: can the new iPod Suffle also enhance boob size? I’m only asking because I…I have this friend who wants to know.
April 1st, 2009 at 7:09 am
Konami Code!
April 1st, 2009 at 7:06 am
I guess you’re one of those cool internet guys who can’t find a new episode of the Simpsons funny because supposedly it has sucked since season 7. You’re a fucking retard.
April 1st, 2009 at 7:03 am
You laughed at a new episode of The Simpsons?
Are you 8 years old?
April 1st, 2009 at 6:44 am
Just seen the Simpsons Mapple ep, laughed myself silly for the entire Mapple shop sequence
http://www.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3D7L2fsubA2-c&ei=o33TSd3OFYu7jAeh_uHzBg&usg=AFQjCNEc8f9nFj8HLO4bRv0ePDVk9hz3Yg&sig2=h-XqRCj9dnK-K49Vi5Pihg
I know- backward Brits, but at least we know how to smash up a bank…
April 1st, 2009 at 6:29 am
There was a time when I owned three iPods at once (one of which was that very same red and black clunker). Yes… I used to be an iPolygamist.
Now, I only have my sexy little 3rd gen iPod nano. Sure it’s outdated, and the screen is starting to warp in the corner, and the case is scratched to hell, and the shape makes it look like I’m carrying around a pack of condoms in my pocket (I’m a girl, there are certain stigmas attached to that)… but if I can’t have constant access to Evil Dead 2 and It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, I get a little cranky.
And you wouldn’t like me when I’m cranky.
April 1st, 2009 at 6:26 am
hooray for nemo the dreammaster reference!
April 1st, 2009 at 6:20 am
Tehe, Marley and the Whalers… You’re golden, sirrah, golden.
April 1st, 2009 at 6:07 am
funny article.. love it
April 1st, 2009 at 6:01 am
Uhm, Swaimy…I like your stuff but…fire one of the interns cuz the picture they used for your huge penis effect is brilliant, but also a girl. I know being a cracked columnist you must be crawling through hordes of ladies, but there is a little known fact that females of our species don’t have a penis.
April 1st, 2009 at 6:00 am
@ToxicWinter Isn’t Solsbury Hill by Peter Gabriel? Or am I missing another song of that same name by Elvis Costello (I’m still new to the Costello-hood)?
April 1st, 2009 at 5:56 am
Oh Swaim, you make me giggle.
April 1st, 2009 at 5:52 am
Swaim, you’re too cool, you know that? First, you use “Ghostwriter” by RJD2 on your joint broadcast with Gladstone, and now you’re referencing Air!
Me likey your taste in music very much, I must say.
All you need now is Thievery Corporation, and the world will be a very happy place indeed!
April 1st, 2009 at 5:40 am
Can’t the tallconnect.com people at least write coherent sentences? It’s no fun reading forum bot posts when they don’t make any sense.
April 1st, 2009 at 5:37 am
@ToxicWinter: I thought “Salisbury Hill”, or (as you say) “Solsbury Hill”, was Peter Gabriel not Elvis Costello. As a fan of both artists, I’m now confused.
Could you please settle this Swaim?
April 1st, 2009 at 5:33 am
The fact that it is a picture of a girl makes the entire article.
Swaim, I debate things like this with myself all the time, just usually with more yelling and tears.
April 1st, 2009 at 5:32 am
Classic pwn by Jesus
April 1st, 2009 at 5:12 am
ahahah Swaim got what he deserved, godless sucker
April 1st, 2009 at 4:33 am
“Justinlove Says:
April 1st, 2009 at 12:45 am
WOW.. those poor guys,many people talked about this news on the forum on tall dating site http://tallconnect.com ,seems it is a break news there.”
…/what/?
April 1st, 2009 at 3:45 am
You sir are too awesome.
April 1st, 2009 at 3:40 am
lol
That’s why I’ll never get a shuffle… I like buttons… and screens…
Also; DAMN YOU STEVE JOBS!! YOU’LL NEVER GET ALL OF THE BUTTONS!!!
April 1st, 2009 at 2:54 am
This is precisely why you don’t debate with yourself - or pay attention to how technological advances make you feel about the size of your penis - it can only hurt you. In ways you have never imagined before.
April 1st, 2009 at 2:12 am
Air are a great band. I am not the only one who listens to them, woot.
April 1st, 2009 at 2:01 am
I love that it’s a chick in the picture..
April 1st, 2009 at 2:00 am
It’s “Solsbury Hill”, honey… but many props for the Elvis Costello love.
April 1st, 2009 at 1:58 am
Swaim, you’re hysterical.
April 1st, 2009 at 1:29 am
I can’t stop thinking about scrimshaw, harpoons, and reggae.
April 1st, 2009 at 1:21 am
Marley and the Whalers? MARLEY AND THE WHALERS?
homophones ftl.
April 1st, 2009 at 1:06 am
hahahaha I get a ipod touch banner on this page=P
April 1st, 2009 at 12:47 am
I need an iPod with a screen and a navigator, otherwise I’d go nuts. Shouldn’t Cracked.com be paying for your new ipod, you know, as a work expense in order to keep up with the times and write hipster articles and all that? Can’t you claim that shit?
…
I…I don’t know how internet companies work.
April 1st, 2009 at 12:45 am
WOW.. those poor guys,many people talked about this news on the forum on tall dating site http://tallconnect.com ,seems it is a break news there.
April 1st, 2009 at 12:24 am
Yes, Micheal! Talkie Walkie is incredible going downstairs music!
And everywhere else music!
March 31st, 2009 at 11:31 pm
What if you already have a large penis and don’t want to turn into a large penis by owning anything with the apple logo on it?
March 31st, 2009 at 11:29 pm
First: It’s up up down down left right left right B A select start. You forgot select.
Second: I got an Ipod Shuffle. I really like it. There is one button. Play. The ring around that button is how you skip, back, vol up, or vol down by pressing forward, back, up, or down. It’s too simple for some people I guess.
It has it’s downside. It shuffles. Period. It doesn’t have a way to choose which song out of 1000 (assuming you load it up right) so you have to skip through them.
What’s really cool about it, is if you buy it from Apple online you can have it personalized with some text.
I hope you like yours, Michael. And let me know if it makes your dick look huge because I don’t have one. A dick that is.
March 31st, 2009 at 11:23 pm
well, they don’t have 60GB anymore, nor 80GB (what i have, which just turned one)… the standard ipod classic is 120GB these days. they had 160GB, but it was considered too silly.
March 31st, 2009 at 11:17 pm
Oh Swaim, you and your obscure 1980’s video game humour.
Good article, I too know the pain of becoming podless,
although I think god took a different view on me because now I have a zombie iPod , it just won’t die, despite taking several trips down the stairs.
Not that I’m complaining.
And I don’t know Kaitlyn, you could make a documentary about that,
“The Woman whose iPod made her penis too big” got a ring huh?
March 31st, 2009 at 11:15 pm
… Wait… well then where does the… Oh my…
-AnderFREAK
age 5 and half.
March 31st, 2009 at 11:14 pm
Kaitlyn, that sounds pretty sexist to me! Who says a woman can’t try to make her penis look bigger. If it helps stop low self-esteem in women I full support female optical phallic illusions.
And what is this vagina you speak of? Brb, google images.
March 31st, 2009 at 11:04 pm
Thank you for this. I saw this new ipod and just got ridiculously angry. Ridiculously, because it was over an ipod design but, god, of all the things to take off, the fucking buttons. And putting the half you keep on the headphones. I made the mistake of buying something like that once and there’s nothing quite like the feeling of throwing out a perfectly good player because your _headphones_ break and you can’t find a replacement years later.
March 31st, 2009 at 11:02 pm
That’s not a man in the apple advert. It’s that other kind. On of those things with a vagina, and thus not a penis. I would in face be worried if the shuffle made that woman’s penis appear comparatively larger.
March 31st, 2009 at 10:57 pm
I agree with AnderFREAK. Like you, Mr. Swaim, I have owned my mp3 for a long time. Mine is still alive, just barely. It’s not even an Apple product. Though when my lil’ Sansa dies, I wonder what to replace it with other than the hell known as Ipod or whatever they’ve nemaed it now. I mean, are Apple I’s really worth it? Are Zune’s better? The shuffle, alas, would not assist me (unless I had a pocket on my shirt breast as a cleavege enhancer).
March 31st, 2009 at 10:53 pm
How come the new Muskets video hasn’t been posted on cracked?
March 31st, 2009 at 10:52 pm
LULZ
March 31st, 2009 at 10:41 pm
Hey, you know what you could put on an iPod Shuffle?
You could put Joe Cotten’s music. It would rock. In lots of senses. Look him up on myspace. Look him up now.
…please?
March 31st, 2009 at 10:40 pm
No amount of trickery could convince me to purchase that nightmare.
Even if it would make Lieutenant Dan look a little less stumpy… I mean…
March 31st, 2009 at 10:38 pm
Thanks, DraconianKing. All better now.
March 31st, 2009 at 10:28 pm
domeone dwitches my s ans d keyd.
March 31st, 2009 at 10:26 pm
Dude, i think that last pic is a girls lower part of the body.
or it’s just a gay emo
March 31st, 2009 at 10:25 pm
I curse Apple.
Damn the new iPods coming out in orange, I couldn’t resist temptation.
March 31st, 2009 at 10:25 pm
because when you buy a zune, bill gates forevermore owns your penis, i know, i bought one of the first generations, bills technique was a little unrefines as of then.
March 31st, 2009 at 10:15 pm
Dude! Why not Zune?
March 31st, 2009 at 10:11 pm
fucking laptop erased part of it
up up down down left right left right b a start
ugh
March 31st, 2009 at 10:10 pm
Scary big.
March 31st, 2009 at 10:10 pm
It’s Up Up Down Down Left Right Right B A Start.
March 31st, 2009 at 10:08 pm
Funny stuff.