Cracked Columnists

The New iPod Shuffle Will Make Your Penis Look Huge

My iPod, a slick 60 gig red and black number, recently had its fifth birthday. I took the opportunity to brag to all of my friends about how long my iPod has lasted, and how it will never ever break.

Naturally, the God I don't believe in took this (and maybe the me not believing in him stuff) as a challenge, and sent a gust of angelic wind to rip "Broken Arrow" from my hands just as I was about to lock in Air's "Talky Walky," my favorite going downstairs music. Tragically, I was going downstairs at the time.

A series of heartbreaking sounds followed: First, the sounds of my little man bouncing blithely down each stone step of our apartment building and into the street. Seconds later, as I cradled his injured frame in my arms, came the horrific clicking sound of his hard drives death rattle, like a thousand hearts shattering in unison.

And finally, nothing but silence. A grim, dire silence couched in the whistle of a summer breeze blowing as if to remind me that there actually is a world outside my headphones. Im telling you, it was terrible.

So Ive been iPod-less for a few weeks now, and singing loudly wherever I go is starting to get tiresome, especially since I only know like half the words to most songs and just kind of improv. But the sad fact is, I cant afford a new 60 gig. At least, not without cashing in some of my stocks, and Im kind of waiting for my WaMu shares to rally a bit first.

In the meantime, I spend a lot of my day scrolling up and down Apple's website, debating with myself about whether to buy one of them fancy new iPod Shuffles to tide me over. The debate goes something like this:

ME:Alright brain: the new iPod Shuffle. Lets think the shit out of it.ALSO ME:Whats to think about? Click buy right now and you could be grooving to Marley and the Wailers in your underwear this time tomorrow.M:Look, I know, I know! It sounds appealing, but lets think this through. We dont want a repeat of the Abdo-er debacle.AM:But its new, and its from Apple! Itll raise your social status modifier like three points.M:First of all, never use the word modifier in that context again. Secondly, the things got some serious flaws. For starters it only holds 1,000 songs. Thats basically just the Elvis Costello folder. You really want to jog along to Shipbuilding? Its fucking depressing.AM: Just put Solsbury Hill on there on repeat and youre good to go. You know this. Weve been through this.M:It doesnt even have any buttons!AM:Get with the times, gramps. The world of tomorrow is all about smooth, featureless steel without personality or character. Didnt you see Minority Report?M:Theres no screen, no interface, nothing. How do you even pick your songs?AM:Easy. You just press the button on your headphone cord once to pause, once to play, twice to skip ahead, three times to scan aheadM: I thought it was twice and hold.AM:No, I think thats to scan backwards. Or access your playlists. Oh no wait, to access playlists you beat it against your face.M: What if you want to reshuffle?AM:You press up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, Start.M:Ha! Lulz. Im so funny. But seriously, that sounds like a fucking nightmare.AM: But its smaller and theres less to press! Therefore it must be easier to use. Apple wouldnt make a product that was counter-intuitive.M:But if the buttons are on the headphone cable, that means I have to use those shitty Apple earbuds, right? The ones that hurt my ears after 10 minutes and sound like crap strained through a speaker?AM:Well, maybe thats what you deserve for having such misshapen ears, you hideous freak.M:Im still not convinced.AM:But it talks to you! It says the names of the songs, right in your ear. How cool is that?M:As cool as it was 14 years ago when my Apple II did it.AM:But now youll always know what song is playing! No more tedious waiting for the chorus or a recognizable riff! No more confusion! No more fear! And just look at it. Look at it in that guys hand. Its so tiny! If you hold that thing next to your dick itd look like a goddamned anaconda.M: I dont care how tinyAM:Did you seeAnaconda?!M:Why do you keep asking me what movies Ive seen?! It makes no sense! You know what movies Ive seen!AM:Buy this electronic wonder box and hang it off your dick.M:No! Although...AM:Right? Listen, buy it or Ill make you keep thinking about it every 10 minutes for the rest of your life. Ill have you on this website, scrolling up and down, reading customer reviews for hours on end. You will literally waste a third of each day analyzing the tiny minutiae of how your life would be impacted by the purchase of this singing tie clip.M:FINE! IM BUYING IT! JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!

At that point I usually scream incoherently or else someone walks by and asks why Ive been silently staring into space for 20 minutes. But it was all worth it, because Im happy to report that Im now the proud owner of three iPod Shuffles!

My ears may hurt, and I may not be able to navigate through the file directory with anything that could be called accuracy, but Ill be damned if my penis isnt larger than ever (perceptually speaking). In fact, if you ask me, Apples ad campaigns are really making a mistake neglecting that valuable feature.

When not transcribing thought, Michael serves as head writer for and co-founder of Those Aren't Muskets!