You probably think I’m going to make fun of Marche Taylor for wearing a skimpy dress to her prom and getting escorted out in handcuffs, don’t you? Admit it: you think I’m going to go off on a rant about how the kids are out of control these days and the world is going to hell in a handbasket and nobody knows how to make a decent handbasket anymore. That would be a great rant for an older, more conservative blogger1, but me? Come on. I can actually relate to Ms. Taylor’s plight, because I went through something very similar at my own prom.
The year was 1999. Limp Bizkit and Smashmouth were at the top of the charts, people were legitimately concerned that their computers might kill them on New Year’s Eve, and there I was, standing outside my senior prom in a leather harness and a pair of assless chaps.
Our principal, Dr. Louis Killjoy Sr., was standing in front of the doors with his arms folded across his chest. “You’re not coming in here dressed like that,” Dr. Killjoy said.
“I completely understand,” I replied. “This is a ridiculous outfit for me to be wearing to senior prom. What was I thinking?”
“Well, I’m glad we see eye to eye on this. Put ‘er there,” he said, holding out his hand. I tried to shake it, but my hand kept slipping out. “Are you slathered from head to toe in baby oil?” he asked.
“No,” I lied.
“Thank God,” he said. “If you were, it would be nearly impossible for us to catch you if you tried to run through this security gate into the prom.”
A few minutes of blank staring went by.
“I see,” I lied.
“You know - because you’re too slippery to grab.”
Another minute or two went by, and we both looked at our watches. Mine was too smudged from the baby oil to read, but I pretended I could read it anyway and looked around impatiently, as if to say, “Come on, people - let’s move it along.” A few dozen people stood behind me in line with the same expression on their faces.
“You’re an idiot, Wolinsky,” Dr. Killjoy said. “Go home.”
I took his advice, and the next day I went out for pie with my friends. They all told me the prom had been lovely.
A few weeks later we all went to college and never saw each other again.
Ba-dum ching!
1 Like an 88-year-old, for example.
This entry was posted on Tuesday, May 13th, 2008 at 11:00 am and is filed under Fashion, News, Nooners, Police, Teenagers, Video. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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June 12th, 2008 at 3:22 pm
I alos saw the video in hot dating club @PlusMeet.c o m____and the big boob women and big manful gusy there had very hot discussion on this.
May 15th, 2008 at 2:56 pm
@ Gladstone, Fragg and JCdent - Why do u guys keep saying Buckholz??? Its Bucholz, people CHRIS BUCHOLZ (look it up…)
Gladstone - I didn’t expect this from u… u dont know what u’ve set off here!
May 14th, 2008 at 2:21 am
Hey Hey, has anyone heard about this new show.. about a pot smoking dog… I keep reading about it on these forums.. any one know?
May 14th, 2008 at 1:32 am
It’s stuff like this that makes me happy I dropped out. Sure I now live in a box but at least I didn’t go to school dressed like a ho…or a leather daddy. By the way, thanks for not posting pics Ross.
May 14th, 2008 at 12:11 am
I’m not sure what’s worse, that she thought pinning the dress in a way that covered her navel but would (presumably) reveal her errrr ‘behind’ would somehow improve her situation or that this shit actually ended up on your news.
“people were legitimately concerned that their computers might kill them on New Year’s Eve” ahhh memories….
May 13th, 2008 at 9:58 pm
Who says she graduated?
May 13th, 2008 at 9:33 pm
Proffessor, what makes you think there would have been a prophylactic involved at all? Otherwise, you’re spot on. Though in truth, I woulda hit that in HS if I’d been in the right situation, which means I’d be the one running out on a bastard child (among a slew of other dudes in the same situation, no doubt). Yikes. I really do love sluts, though. It’s almost worth all the Valtrex.
Wallsy, that was in Texas. She wouldn’t have graduated in most other states.
May 13th, 2008 at 8:59 pm
WTF is wrong with this girl? And more importantly, WTF is wrong with her parents? And how did someone that stupid actually manage to finish highschool?
May 13th, 2008 at 8:13 pm
I’m gay, but I took a girl to both my junior and senior prom. THAT was anticlimactic.
@ Glendoor: I hadn’t noticed, but now that you mention it, Kingmonkey has been MIA.
May 13th, 2008 at 6:41 pm
This is easily my favorite Nooner in quite some time. Well done.
May 13th, 2008 at 5:50 pm
Yeah, pretty much.
Have you noticed kingmonkey hasn’t posted since Friday?
May 13th, 2008 at 5:47 pm
Although to be fair turning up to prom wearing a Yakuza-style casino leisure suit with no date in the back of a Ford Escort would have came close would be like being pissed on in a figurative sense.
May 13th, 2008 at 5:43 pm
Waaaah!
May 13th, 2008 at 5:42 pm
I didn’t have the chance to.
May 13th, 2008 at 5:41 pm
At least you didn’t get pissed on.
May 13th, 2008 at 5:38 pm
Oh boy I remember my prom, it was such a goddamn riot. I remember planning it like months in advance, my tux, the car I’d take, who I’d consider asking ect ect.
Anyway, I remember now, I flunked out of high school and didn’t have a prom.
How’s that for an anticlimatic (and not to mention deeply depressing) story?
May 13th, 2008 at 5:08 pm
At my prom, way back in 1926, I went with the girl of my dreams and several of my freinds and their dates. After being at the prom for a while we went to a suite we had rented and I got drunk, passed out my best friend fucked the girl of my dreams and someone else pissed on me on the floor thinking he was in the bathroom.
Come to think of it I wish I ‘d just went home.
May 13th, 2008 at 4:55 pm
Why is my local newspaper’s website reporting on this? She should have just covered herself in baby oil like Wolinsky. @JcDent - EX-TER-MINATE!!
May 13th, 2008 at 3:53 pm
Pebbles, not sure how many get the Montrose reference but I’m with ya. What are the odds Harlem Knights will be her listed employer soon?
May 13th, 2008 at 2:21 pm
If she wanted to dress like a tranny then she should have gone to Montrose, not Sugar Land… Montrose would have been more funny anyhow!
May 13th, 2008 at 2:06 pm
That was as hilarious as this!!!!
http://www.fakebuddy.com
May 13th, 2008 at 1:20 pm
Heh, prom… Buckholz probably made every girl pregnant, and the prom queen gave birth to Robocop and three Daleks.
May 13th, 2008 at 12:27 pm
Damnit, I meant http://www.wwujd.com
May 13th, 2008 at 11:45 am
Why the hell is this stuff considered news?
“Waaaaaa, I didn’t get to go into a dance that probably would have ended up with me in a drunken backseat grope-fest and a pregnancy resulting from a broken profilactic.”
There will be plenty of those experiences your first year in college before you drop out to take care of your bastard son.
Wow. I’m a mean person. Oh well, I don’t care.
May 13th, 2008 at 11:37 am
Those quotations marks on “pinky” are mighty ominous…I’m scared to find out what should be there.
Buckholz does not talk to anyone because he is a motorcycle-riding robot. Count yourself lucky that he does not punch you in the throat and throw you off the library ala Uncle Jesse (www.wwjd.com)
May 13th, 2008 at 11:34 am
A smart prom-goer would wear the skimpy “dress” under a not-so-skimpy “dress” and then take of the not-so-skimpy “dress” in the bathroom before/after having anal sex. I’m sorry about the quotationmarks, my “pinky” has a mind of its own.
May 13th, 2008 at 11:31 am
I get beat up by a handful of neocons for being a lib, and the you call me a conservative. I can’t win. Now I know why Buckholz doesn’t talk to you. (I’m not sure why he doesn’t speak to me, Swaim, or DOB though…)