Hollywood Gives Up: Keanu Reeves to Play Dr. Jeckyl/Mr. Hyde
This story is based on true events.
DATELINE: Hollywood.
In an expansive conference room, casting agents sift through a flotilla of headshots and resums, sweat beading on their foreheads, every brain working feverishly, empty bottles of sparkling spring water piled in the corners and on the center of the table.
"He's got to have range," mutters one, for the 20th time that night.
Hes got to be dynamic, says another as she pushes a stack of headshots away in disgust.
Literary, intelligent, yet capable of great savagery. A terrifying genius. This from the oldest among them, the acknowledged master of the art of casting. He flips through the script again, searching for inspiration that will not come. The cover page reads Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.
Dammit! shouts one of the agents. Were trying to cast a role played by Spencer Tracy, Fredric March, Jack Palance, John Barrymore! Who in Hollywood can possibly live up to such performances?
Ive got it! says the old man. The others turn to him with mooning faces, ready to kneel at the altar of his wisdom. Ive got it, he repeats like a mantra. And, with a suitable pause for effect
Keanu. Fucking. Reeves.
The announcement stuns the room. Collective gasps are enjoyed by all, and a deep silence falls over the table. Finally:
Butwhat? Keanuuh
I think youre thinking of Christopher Reeves, says an intern sheepishly. And he died, sir.
The old man grumbles from deep inside his chest. I know that, you idiot! Who do you think delivered the eulogy?! I said Keanu Reeves and I meant Keanu Reeves!
The other agents all suck air through their back molars simultaneously. One of them mouths the word awkward.
Hes got to have range, mutters someone, for the 21st time that night.
No, right, I know, explains the elder. I was giving up.
Relief washes over them. Oh! OK. Then strippers and hookah?
Natch.
And with that, an instant film classic is born.
Yes, you read that thrilling dramatization right: The man whose range is so limited that 90 percent of the characters he plays could shop at the same black trenchcoat store has been earmarked to play a both sides of a split personality.
It's an onscreen interaction that I'm betting will be a little less Smeagle/Gollum and a little more Neo/Neo with angry eyebrows drawn on. In fact, I think its safe to assume that the only personality combinations he can realistically bring to the role are:
- Stoic savior of the human race/Retarded 80s stoner
- Retarded 80s stoner/Unbelievable romantic lead
- Unbelievable romantic lead/Stoic savior of the human race
Im hoping he goes with the first one, so we can watch Dr. Jekyll wage a grim fight against Mr. Hydes quest to invent Cheetos, thrash on the 19th century equivalent of an electric bass (which I believe would be the steam-bassoon) and hassle Tchaikovsky.
Plus the constant switch between a black duster and bright neon shorts is probably the only way the audience will know which character hes supposed to be playing at any given time.
Keanu, if youre reading this, dont panic. Ive got some simple, quick fixes that will help you give the impression of being able to play two whole characters, without actually going to all the fuss of doing so.
First, try some thick accents. No ones going to confuse your Jekyll and Hyde if Jekyll introduces himself as a man uh da sciences, eh? and Hyde vows to shtop at nosink! Yes, its borderline racist, but if you settle for your usual caliber of performance, you risk offending facial paralysis victims everywhere.
If that doesnt do the trick, give Hyde a thin black mustache. Itll make him seem a lot more evil, and its easier to explain how a man can grow and ungrow facial hair throughout a movie than to explain how in the hell the producers thought you were a good choice for this role.
Of course, theres also the method route. Method is a fancy actor word for actually doing whatever your character is supposed to do. So if youre playing a crackhead, smoke some crack. Its like cheating for actors. I guess what Im saying is that you should try to invent a serum that turns you into a monster. Difficult, yes, but much easier than well, you know.
And if all else fails, theres always subtitles.
Oh and hey, Keanu, while Ive got your attention:
SPIKE?! Youre playing fucking SPIKE SPIEGEL?! How DARE you! Get the hell away from Bebop! Or better yet, go method: Hurl yourself into space.
When not writing less and less frequently for Cracked, Michael is working on a number of all-consuming secret projects, so please stop messaging him and calling him lazy, you fuckers. Also, Those Aren't Muskets!
Someone wrote that Spike is pretty emotionless, and admittedly upon first reading the news about Bebop just above (and doing a triple-take to make sure) I was initially thinking about how stoic Spike can be.
ReplyHowever there are plenty of times where he has a look of a genuine and profound care / interest he sees in someone or their story and there are even times where he looks anxious, grinning and / or gritting teeth in a judo scene, or a calm yet tense highly intent and focused like in the Metal episode where they're in a cavern full of explosives and he aims and shoots his gun to avoid drifting off into space (and exploding) making it safely back aboard Queen's ship.
Rofflez, now I've just thought of how hilarious it is that in that scene where Trinity dies he's perhaps conveniently blindfolded. You know, he show a look of the emotions of genuine care and interest a few times (on board in 1st, with Pope of Zion, with Oracle) and u know he can probably pull of Spike's far off elsewhere look. The stoic emotionless thing's not even a question.
I'll stick with John Malkovich from Mary Reilly.
ReplyIf the had another actor play hyde then you know what its fine. Keanu seems to do alright as lonely, anti social characters. Because he doesn't have to interact with anything/anyone.
ReplyI love how people are b***hing about Keanu playing Spike when they know full well the entire movie is gonna suck.
Word. (about bebop)
Gods, I was annoyed enough with him playing Spike... I mean, SPIKE! WTF?? How many more disastrous decisions can Hollywood make...???
Replyspike is pretty emotionless. And he's tall and has dark hair and looks good fighting, seems natural.
ReplyThis needs more Keanu love.
ReplyMmmmmyessssss.
Love how the last little addendum is getting the most response. Cracked readers have their priorities straight.
ReplyI just hope Keanu is getting pointers from Steve Blum, who voiced Spike in the English dub. Maybe if he can combine his intended infuriating performance with Blum's brilliant one, it might end up okay. Or at least a funny impression. And if not, there'll always be the real thing.
Ok, I'll let him have his reign in Dr.Jekyll and Mr.Hyde. Maybe he could pull something out of his ass. We'll see. Though Spike Spiegel? I think I'd rather subject myself to a pissed off badger in my rectum then have him be Spike Spiegel. It's blasphemy to have HIM play Spike. He will absolutely ruin Cowboy Bebop for an upcoming generation of people.
ReplyJeckyl and Hyde... you know, that kinda sucks that he's supposed to be doing that... but something as holy and amazing as Cowboy Bebop?
ReplyNot even some nameless dude in Bebop either... Spike. I Can't stand the thought of that. Well... maybe, just maybe, it wont be as bad as the Dragonball live action movie.
let's hope its not. =/
Chill, people. It's just a movie. If you don't like it, you don't have to go see. Don't worry, yet another "updated" version of both Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde will be made and another Bebop will be made too, because Hollywood runs out of ideas constantly. Maybe Keanu will be good, maybe he won't. His roles have been mostly type cast, but in the few where he was told to put emotion into something, it was pretty good. Neo is meloncholy, Johnathan Harker was proper and then depressed. The guy can't pull of accents, but ever realize most of the actors can't? Problem is we love or hate actors, we're never actually think that they have good and bad performances. I'm sure there are movies where "top line" actors and actresses flat out sucked in their role, due to either bad casting, bad directing or the actor was just not getting their special 4 dollar bottle of water on that day of shooting and didn't try. They're all guilty of a horrible performance at one point. Also, Keanu actually did Hamlet and got acclaims for it. He's probably a particular type of actor, but hey, so is Pacino, Stallone, and Angelina or whatever. They often give the same performance and do close the the same movies, playing nearly the same character. We'll just wait and see how it turns out, maybe we'll be surprised, maybe it'll be worse then we thought. Remember, we do have lives other then just who was cast for what random money grubbing block buster, right? .... Right?
Reply Hide All See All 4 Replieswow. blah blah blah blah blah.... who needs to chill?
Keanu has no vocal range...no expression in his face....no range in his performance. I say....Swaim has a valid point. (and no, I ddnt read your entire response...the first few sentences and the last one was enough.)
You're on a website that exists to make fun of pop culture and you seem to be upset that they're making fun of pop culture. They aren't interested in carefully examining all sides of an issue and giving a thoughtful analysis of it. They're interested in writing funny articles. This was funny. Swaim did his job well.
@santodevaca: You have a point, but any pop culture teasing worthy of the name would be accurate as well as funny. For example: Would you be more entertained by a Jon Stewart bit where he achieved humor by quoting opponents out of context, or by one where he had a legitimate point? Similarly, willful suspension of disbelief only gets you so far in Cracked articles. A good 90% of them are inaccurate and/or misleading, but the best 10% and the 10% that aren't either overlap to a surprising degree.
Don't ever, EVER, try to tell me that Keanu Reeves' portrayal of Jonathan Harker was good. Dear God, that was the most painful f**king thing I had ever watched. And while he may have received good reviews for Hamlet, his portrayal of Don John in Much Ado About Nothing was like rubbing broken glass and semen in my eyes.
Hey! Don't mock Keanu! He is part of a rare, yet growing breed of actor. Noteable persons in this breed are : Him, Kristen Stewart, and That Guy Who Plays Dexter the Psychopath. The rest are undercover cyborgs, and their identities will be revealed with time.
Reply Hide All See All 3 Replies"That guy who plays Dexter", Michael C. Hall, did an excellent job in "Six Feet Under". You are judging him based on one role, in which he is supposed to be completely emotionless?
f**king Kristen Stewart
I second what tyellington there said. Michael C. Hall is an incredibly talented actor with more range in his little fingernail in one scene than Keanu or Kristed Stewart could amass over a career. It's just the character of Dexter that's supposed to be emotionless. By your judgment, he's doing his job damn well.
I loved Keanu in "The Devils Advocate". Just because he was exelent for the role. Now, if only he could act... That movie deserves 9.6/10 only becouse Keanu could act on the same level as Al Pacino for example. But Keanu as Hyde??? Failure xD And I laughed at the "Oscar, please" photos sooo much xDD
ReplyKeanu has all the range and emotion of a piece of wood, a FROZEN piece of wood, as Jekyll I could understand but Hyde, THAT'S RETARDED
Reply"Yes, it’s borderline racist, but if you settle for your usual caliber of performance, you risk offending facial paralysis victims everywhere."
Reply...Them and every programmer who ever painstakingly rendered the facial expressions of someone in a Playstation 1 cut-scene.
"Jill, no! Don't open that door!"
Hell, even Barry was a better actor than Keanu-Fucking-Reeves.
I f**king hate Keanu Reeves.
ReplyCowboy Bebop NOOOOOOOO!!! They already made a movie and it ROCKED! Stupid Keanu.
ReplyMy thoughts exactly when I read the last part.
Whats truly sad, is Keanu will probably be a much better Spike than Jeckyl and Hyde.
Reply"Whoa! I TOTALLY tore her face off and used it for a hat last night. Most heinous"
when? when will this horrible ludivigo treatment end?
Replyi could a nba players soiled jockstrap about freakin J&H.
but cowboy bebop? first of all, he's my age (211 years old)!
second, goddammit!!!
third, he's gonna kill all the cool by trying to be cool!!!
think of it up to 60% more smirking and posing ARRRGH!
ok people lets make a pact. if there is anything even remotely cool
or creative or ground breaking in comics or books or anime, dont speak of it aloud i pray thee. keep it from any of your pinhead hipster film school friends hide your jonny the homcidal manic trade paperbacks if they ask "whatcha readin"?
tell them it's the Sarah Palin biography
Clockwork Orange ftw. Also....211? Damn you're a wizard huh?
No! Hollywood gave up when Keanu Reeves was cast as Spike Speigel from Cowboy Bebop.
Replywow i feel like an ass
Replyi meant well not weel
and now having read some of the other comments
yes Reeves is rather typecast- unfortunate
but he accepts the roles, free will comes in to play here
its his own fucking fault
therefore mockery is due