This story is based on true events.
DATELINE: Hollywood.
In an expansive conference room, casting agents sift through a flotilla of headshots and resumés, sweat beading on their foreheads, every brain working feverishly, empty bottles of sparkling spring water piled in the corners and on the center of the table.
“He’s got to have range,” mutters one, for the 20th time that night.
“He’s got to be dynamic,” says another as she pushes a stack of headshots away in disgust.
“Literary, intelligent, yet capable of great savagery. A terrifying genius.” This from the oldest among them, the acknowledged master of the art of casting. He flips through the script again, searching for inspiration that will not come. The cover page reads Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.
“Dammit!” shouts one of the agents. “We’re trying to cast a role played by Spencer Tracy, Fredric March, Jack Palance, John Barrymore! Who in Hollywood can possibly live up to such performances?”
“I’ve got it!” says the old man. The others turn to him with mooning faces, ready to kneel at the altar of his wisdom. “I’ve got it,” he repeats like a mantra. And, with a suitable pause for effect…
“Keanu. Fucking. Reeves.”
The announcement stuns the room. Collective gasps are enjoyed by all, and a deep silence falls over the table. Finally:
“But…what? Keanu…uh…”
“I think you’re thinking of Christopher Reeves,” says an intern sheepishly. “And he died, sir.”
The old man grumbles from deep inside his chest. “I know that, you idiot! Who do you think delivered the eulogy?! I said Keanu Reeves and I meant Keanu Reeves!”
The other agents all suck air through their back molars simultaneously. One of them mouths the word “awkward.”
“He’s got to have range,” mutters someone, for the 21st time that night.
“No, right, I know,” explains the elder. “I was giving up.”
Relief washes over them. “Oh! OK. Then… strippers and hookah?”
“Natch.”
And with that, an instant film classic is born.
It’s an onscreen interaction that I’m betting will be a little less Smeagle/Gollum and a little more Neo/Neo with angry eyebrows drawn on. In fact, I think it’s safe to assume that the only personality combinations he can realistically bring to the role are:
- Stoic savior of the human race/Retarded 80s stoner
- Retarded 80s stoner/Unbelievable romantic lead
- Unbelievable romantic lead/Stoic savior of the human race
I’m hoping he goes with the first one, so we can watch Dr. Jekyll wage a grim fight against Mr. Hyde’s quest to invent Cheetos, thrash on the 19th century equivalent of an electric bass (which I believe would be the steam-bassoon) and hassle Tchaikovsky.
Plus the constant switch between a black duster and bright neon shorts is probably the only way the audience will know which character he’s supposed to be playing at any given time.
Keanu, if you’re reading this, don’t panic. I’ve got some simple, quick fixes that will help you give the impression of being able to play two whole characters, without actually going to all the fuss of doing so.
First, try some thick accents. No one’s going to confuse your Jekyll and Hyde if Jekyll introduces himself as a “man uh da sciences, eh?” and Hyde vows to “shtop at nosink!” Yes, it’s borderline racist, but if you settle for your usual caliber of performance, you risk offending facial paralysis victims everywhere.
If that doesn’t do the trick, give Hyde a thin black mustache. It’ll make him seem a lot more evil, and it’s easier to explain how a man can grow and ungrow facial hair throughout a movie than to explain how in the hell the producers thought you were a good choice for this role.
Of course, there’s also the “method” route. “Method” is a fancy actor word for actually doing whatever your character is supposed to do. So if you’re playing a crackhead, smoke some crack. It’s like cheating for actors. I guess what I’m saying is that you should try to invent a serum that turns you into a monster. Difficult, yes, but much easier than… well, you know.
And if all else fails, there’s always subtitles.
Oh and hey, Keanu, while I’ve got your attention:
SPIKE?! You’re playing fucking SPIKE SPIEGEL?! How DARE you! Get the hell away from Bebop! Or better yet, go method: Hurl yourself into space.
This entry was posted on Saturday, May 23rd, 2009 at 4:00 am and is filed under Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, Keanu Reeves, Movies, Robert Louis Stevenson, The 19th Century, books. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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November 4th, 2009 at 6:27 am
Keanu Reeves really is kinda badass… But I agree with swaim and the fact he may just ruin Spike…so muthafucka GO METHOD!!!
November 3rd, 2009 at 9:46 pm
Oh god. Why did you have to remind me that he was to completely destroy Spike! And for those of you who’ve never seen it, go watch it. Even if you hate anime, it is just too great to miss.
November 1st, 2009 at 10:15 pm
On the one hand; Keanu Reeves MIGHT be able to play the cool, nonchalant character that Spike is. On the other hand; fuck Keanu Reeves… he is the worst “actor” that this modern age has been cursed with tolerating.
This might be just my opinion but I’m pretty sure that it’s a fact as I read it in a book. I might have written it in the margin of the book but I did still read it there.
October 29th, 2009 at 3:33 pm
WHAT??? SPIEGEL??? Are you KIDDING ME???
Ar eyou telling me that they’re about to fuck up one of the best anime shows ever?
October 13th, 2009 at 10:59 pm
Someone please Murder him.
He can not be allowed to defile Cowboy Bebop.
October 8th, 2009 at 5:48 pm
Keanu Reeves is the man. except when he’s an alien.
October 1st, 2009 at 5:28 pm
Wtf? He’s playing Spike? I need to check this out.
September 22nd, 2009 at 4:06 pm
what the fuck is cowboy bebop?? from previous comments i would guess anime show, but these names just get fucking weird sometimes, so any sort of idea about what the show contains are lost behind a forest of japenese bat-shittery
September 20th, 2009 at 1:23 pm
Man, I honestly wish that Cowboy Bebop would be left as an anime.
September 19th, 2009 at 6:34 pm
fuck you guys that said that a decent anime to live action is impossible. Pretty Guardian Sailor Moon is the shit (and yes I’m a girl so its okay for me to like it)
September 6th, 2009 at 12:46 pm
At first I sort of cringed about the Spike thing but think about it: bored monotone voice? unchanging “I am so cool and unaffected” expression? Crazy martial arts moves? People are proposing more expressive actors who can handle intensely emotional characters, but Spike isn’t one. He does surprise, anger, amusement and cockiness. That’s it. Keanu may need to figure out the surprised look (I mean beyond raising an eyebrow, but at least he won’t be wearing sunglasses which might help) and I don’t know if I’ve seen him smile since Bill and Ted’s grand adventure or whatever it was called. But this sounds doable. With some work.
I’m still hoping they cast someone remotely appropriate for Faye like, maybe….I dunno…someone who could pass as the “Asian beauty” she DESCRIBES HERSELF AS in the manga. Not the European beauty. And that they actually make some effort in casting Ed rather just “eh, we’ll get some ginger kid to do it.”
September 1st, 2009 at 11:00 pm
@Moku sorry I didn’t read any of the posts; Super Mario Brothers movie rules. HARD. Just saying.
September 1st, 2009 at 10:59 pm
Michael Swaim, this article was sweet. I dug the rips on Keanu for being DJ/MH (yeah acronyms are sometimes comedic gold), and I didn’t care too much because I can just avoid the Reeves. But snagging up Spike? Who’s going to play Jet, Hulk Hogan? Jesus.
August 28th, 2009 at 3:37 pm
COWBOY BEBOP?!
August 24th, 2009 at 9:21 pm
Well…my hopes for a good anime to live-action movie are delayed once more. Damn, really thought if you got a series like Cowboy-fucking-bebop maybe it would be pretty hard to actually fuck up. And once again, i over-estimate society.
August 24th, 2009 at 6:56 pm
Blogroll links aint that great
but i am not the admin
August 23rd, 2009 at 2:14 pm
Dude, love your work, but is this true. Are they planing a live action cowboy bebop with him!? Did Hollywood forget the the Dragon Ball movie, or looking back live action Super Mario, I have more but it’s too painful. Anyway great show, man!
August 23rd, 2009 at 5:37 am
Great articles & Nice a site
August 21st, 2009 at 7:49 am
Does no one remember the amazing accent Reeves did in Bram Stoker’s Dracula? =/
Seriously, did no one think of Ralph Fiennes or even Joaquin Phoenix (see Quills). Jonathan Rhys Meyers, Robert Downy Jr., Colin Farrell, Jim Carrey, Christian Bale, Lee Pace, Johnny Depp… any of them would do justice to this role.
I would honestly rather see someone like Will Ferrell do this than Keanu Reeves.
The best would have been Heath Ledger, though.
The saddest part is that David Hasselhoff played the role in the musical adaptation on Broadway. =( It would be cool if they used the musical version though. They filled in a lot of story gaps in the original Stevenson novella.
August 20th, 2009 at 11:26 am
Funny article, but I really liked Constantine. Reeves was a very different John Constantine than the Hellblazer comic, but I think he did a good job.
August 19th, 2009 at 8:47 pm
Wow Thomas, just Wow… It’s not wonder you like Keanu Reeves. Seriously I won’t go and see this movie on principle for using such a shit head actor to ruin classic literature.
August 19th, 2009 at 1:55 am
awesome Swaim has gone from if i knew him and he was in the same room i might invite him to a party to if he was outside i would walk down stair and maybe invite him to a party.See what being a fan of cowboy bebop can do.Also another great article from Swaim thumbs up….or something.I think Swaim would be a great spike
August 18th, 2009 at 7:21 pm
Keanu did GREAT in the matrix… if there was a sequel to that movie it’d probably be the hilarious
August 15th, 2009 at 8:07 pm
Are you kiding me? First he ruins one of my favorite movies by being in a crappy remake of it, then one of my favorite anime’s by playing the lead role, and now he has to ruin one of my favorite books? Everything terrible is linked back to him! DAMMIT! Go back to the Matrix and leave me alone, Keanu!
August 14th, 2009 at 2:59 am
Subtitles… Man, you’re awful.
I seriously couldn’t stop laughing as I read this!
August 12th, 2009 at 4:15 pm
Based on the spike announcement,and cinematic abortion that was Dragonball, I’m guessing they’ll leave out Jet completely and cast Demi Moore as Faye.
August 12th, 2009 at 12:37 am
I also find it hilarious that a majority of the comments focus on the last sentence of this entire article
August 12th, 2009 at 12:37 am
I’m an English major, but I’m more upset at the prospect of Keanu playing Spike than defacing Stevenson’s work. (Mostly because the novella was essentially anti-alcohol propaganda, and alcohol fucking rules).
August 9th, 2009 at 10:41 am
Keanu as Spike? a hollywood liveaction adaptation of cowboy Bebop???
please say it will get stuck on development hell forever
August 6th, 2009 at 12:50 pm
lol nice article. f*cking Reeves is playing Spike? O.o NEVAR!!!!!!
August 5th, 2009 at 12:18 am
damn. too bad he’s playing spike. mabye he’ll surprise the shit out of us. i never thought heath ledger would make a good joker but he did a damn good job. also @ mrfudgeyhead that song is called ‘Tank!’
August 3rd, 2009 at 2:32 pm
Well, Spike is pretty chill most of the time, so it could work.
I really just don’t wanna hear him say “Dude, Jet, totally wicked bounty on Neptune, let’s hit it brah”
I would die inside.
Bebop is an amazing show though, I (and none of my friends) really like anime, but that show just fucking rules. Was only like twenty something episodes but it satisfied you.
It won’t work as a live action though, Spike has a green, afroish kind of hair, and there’s spaceships and shit, how are they going to do that without it looking cheesy and lame?
Also, what would the movie be about, most of the bases were covered, and a rehash of an episode would just suck.
We can only hope the same atmosphere of jazzy noir is kept, and the original theme song “321 let’s jam” turning into a frenzied saxophone explosion.
August 2nd, 2009 at 2:02 pm
mmmbop! yul yuk yuk frrrrr!!
August 1st, 2009 at 2:00 pm
I could sorta see him as wolfwood from trigun…
July 29th, 2009 at 12:49 am
Fan boys will never be please with remakes of their favorites. NEVER NEVER NEVER. This article made me choke laughing too funny. But yea i see him as a bad choice for both movies either way.
July 23rd, 2009 at 8:21 pm
It really wouldn’t matter who was going to play Spike Siegel, since the movie will doubtless be a terrible last-ditch effort to keep the (already dead) comic-book movie craze going into the second decade of the twenty-first century. In spirit of that I think Keanu Reaves is an absolutely stellar choice to ride this trainwreck into the same crator occupied by Spiderman 3, The Punisher, and his last epic appearance as an unforgivable bastardization of John Constantine (…asshole…), in Hellblazer.
My problem is that the movie is being made period. There already was a two hour Cowboy Bebop movie. It didn’t really do the series justice, but it was a great way to introduce yourself to that universe. This thing they’re making will have to rival the Empire Strikes Back in its scope and cinematic power, for it to have been worth while. That’s a bar the current hollywood elite (even lucas) just can’t reach.
July 15th, 2009 at 3:58 am
Aside from my soul aching at the thought of him playing Spike…
I can actually see it working.
July 12th, 2009 at 5:40 pm
honestly Cowboy Bebop is one of the most awsome animes ever. Everyone i have ever shown it to likes it, but to be brutally honest Spike is pretty stoic and uninvolved with a little bit of pissed and melancholy thrown in there. I won’t watch it but Keanu won’t fuck it up as bad as a more emotional character, the biggest thing he could do is work on his subtle body position. Spike is complex yeah, but he dosen’t show it on his face mostly.
July 12th, 2009 at 3:10 am
What with all the madness at him playing spike I thought he was helping in the funding department (most of the upset people obviously havent heard about the Akira movie have you?)
July 11th, 2009 at 3:42 pm
i enjoy cracked, never been moved to post before,
but what the FUCK, Cowboy Bebop?!
motherfuckers…
July 9th, 2009 at 7:04 pm
anyone else have a stock of special explosives or biological agents saved for their shared last day/weeks with Mr. Reeves?
July 6th, 2009 at 11:00 pm
I laughed my ass off, thanks Mr. Swaim.
Unfortunately I had forgotten that KR was going to ‘act as’ Spike; there go the lulz….
July 6th, 2009 at 7:14 pm
JUST FUCKING NO.
omg…. I’m writing a strongly worded letter.
July 6th, 2009 at 2:01 pm
I had no idea HE was going to be Spike. That…that just saddens me greatly. Its like finding out one of your heroes died. And then got played by Keanu Reeves.
July 6th, 2009 at 6:55 am
I think his acting is actually pretty realistic (what some say is flat I see as not overdoing it) but still, talk about an weird casting decision.
His Mr. Hyde will either prove he’s always been a capable actor… or be hilarious as all hell. Since I tend towards comedy, I’m hoping for the latter.
July 5th, 2009 at 8:41 am
dude i also shit my pants when i heard they chose him to play spike in the bebop movie.
it really pains me to think of keanu attempting to make spike’s past even remotely interesting.
July 4th, 2009 at 12:57 am
Dammit, you gave away the best scene in the movie with that last picture.
July 3rd, 2009 at 5:57 pm
this would be interesting.
July 3rd, 2009 at 4:49 pm
Should we bebop fans make a petition saying Keanu Reeves is not the right man for the job, i mean, in a respectful manner.
July 3rd, 2009 at 4:38 pm
My Favorate Anime will be destroyed one day. Just makes me think, this is how the DBZ fans feel.
June 24th, 2009 at 7:09 pm
Oscar, please?
I can has Oscar?
Please?
It’s kinda’ how that’s going to end up, I bet…
June 20th, 2009 at 9:18 am
I could see Heath Ledger playing a very good Hyde/Jeckyl. Too bad he’s also dead.
June 19th, 2009 at 3:05 pm
scientologist make the best actors, buhdist the worst.
June 19th, 2009 at 2:02 am
…wow. Already heartbroken that Reeves is destined to sully the portrayal of one of the slickest, coolest, most multi-dimensional and most bad-ass of anime characters, I managed to ignore the first line of the article and thought the Jekyll and Hyde thing was a joke. And then I clicked the link.
Oh God. With word of each new remake, I keep thinking it can’t get any worse- and then it does. I’ve just about gone through the myriad stages of horror and moved into hysterical hilarity at this point.
Hollywood is on the decline. Get ready for the Bollywood takeover!
June 19th, 2009 at 12:20 am
Lazy.
June 18th, 2009 at 12:52 pm
Keanu as Spike Spiegel?! Dr. Jekyll is bad enough, but SPIKE?!!! Hollywood can officially kiss my cheeks.
Also Ava, no one cares.
June 17th, 2009 at 11:13 am
Sméagol. Not Smeagle. Grr.
June 17th, 2009 at 12:44 am
He was alright in The Gift.
June 15th, 2009 at 7:04 pm
@MindyG
“Well, this little pisher always wanted to be in a tragedy, and this one is as close to Shakespearian as he is likely to get!”
I hate to break it to you but, well, you should see for yourself…
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0107616/
3rd up from the bottom of the cast list.
June 14th, 2009 at 12:17 am
No….no….no no no nonononononooooooNO! That animated piece of plasticine can NOT be playing Spike! Who’s undersized dingus did Kid Wanker have to fellate to land a once in a lifetime, fan-centric, not likely to ever be attempted again gig like Bebop?
The “Jekyl and Hyde” story is a classic and his monotone, surfer accented, joke of a performance (hopefully with really REALLY awful English accent) will likely bring laughs a-plenty before being consigned to oblivion. But a high quality, cult favorite, anime like “Cowboy Bebop” will likely never be attempted again, and what will we have to remember it by? Keanu “My Lord Dude” Frackin’ Reeves?!? With any luck, when shooting begins on the film the entire crew will rise up in a psychotic fury and kill each other causing the studio to close it down and the sound stage to gain infamy as a cursed plot!
Well, this little pisher always wanted to be in a tragedy, and this one is as close to Shakespearian as he is likely to get!
TTtttttttppppppp!!!!
June 12th, 2009 at 12:44 pm
i’m searching for an ” evil us’s ” joke. its in there somewhere…
June 9th, 2009 at 8:05 pm
” Believe in yourself..the only difference between the possible and the impossible is ATTITUDE..Never forget how awesome you are..Believe in yourself..Use the power to make your life..Whatever you want it to be..Believe your power when you do..and Always believed you can do it.” from Sweet eyes at Thailand.
June 9th, 2009 at 1:28 am
Certainly, moptop: opinions different from your own and the general ilk whining at this comment section are all jokes. It’s true. And by the way, that last line WAS sarcasm.
Actually, you’re partially right: Keanu Reeves remain in the movie industry also because of people like Rosa, who appreciate his work. Of course you have to distort people’s reasons and scrap it aside by using the actor’s looks against him, but that’s typical.
In the end, such a trite appreciation of a different POV is not very surprising from a comment to an article that tries poorly to be the same ol’ “let’s trash Keanu Reeves” kind of diatribe, that doesn’t bring anything new and basically seems like a fanboy tantrum thrown about, with the usual trail of fanboyisms to follow (not even the long “NOO” line failed to show up. How pedestrian!). In the end, it’s pretty pointless in itself, in the vulgarity it got stuck in. Ultimately, the joke I see around here is noticing so many people taking a simple shyte-throwing rant as some kind of proof of the vilified actor’s value.
Yes, there ARE people who appreciate this actor’s WORK. No matter how much certain individuals do not even agnowledge this, or are so dishonest they have to bend it in to some kind of “pretty boy”(?) fixation.
June 7th, 2009 at 8:50 pm
Congrats Swaim, ya did it again. Made me actually laugh out loud. seriously i type ‘lol’ heaps but that doesnt actually mean i laugh out loud. but i did when i read this article.
Cheers.
June 6th, 2009 at 11:49 am
Was the last comment a joke? I think it’s my prerogative to figure out if Rosa is a master of subtle sarcasm.
Keanu Reeves may be one of the worst big-time stars Hollywood has ever nursed. The reason why he remains in the film industry is a mystery to me, but I guess it’s because of people like Rosa. Good-looking man, yes, and this has kept a lot of popular actors’ careers afloat. But what in the name of Christ is he good at other than looking like a confused tool? It doesn’t take an actor to notice his incompetency in nearly every role he has ever taken on. He’s awful. He’s abysmal. He’s so many more redundant adjectives.
This is a sad day for me. I only hope that they picked Keanu Reeves after all the other surefire box-office panty wranglers (ie Brad Pitt) had other projects on the line.
By the way, Rosa, I hope I do no personal injury to you. I just really don’t like Keanu Reeves.
June 6th, 2009 at 10:25 am
if you don’t like Keanu Reeves, that is your perogative but I think it does not give you the right to insult the most perfect and wonderful man on earth. Just keep your comment to yourself.
June 4th, 2009 at 11:56 pm
/eyebrow
I always just thought Reeves was utilizing a refined, Shatner-based acting method from the late 26th century.
June 4th, 2009 at 4:35 pm
You know that felling when you get bad news? Like some dead cold hand grabs hold of your heart suddenly and then lets go, making you feel the heat slowly return and doom settles in… that what I felt when I first heard of Neo..er.. Keanu playing Spike Spiegel. I’m going the same route and pretend a live action version doesn’t exist when it comes out.
If he starts taking cocaine I bet he’ll nail Jekyll/Hyde though.
June 2nd, 2009 at 1:38 pm
Anyone see Point Break? This - is - your - fuckin - wake-up - call, I am an F - B - I agent!
June 2nd, 2009 at 11:38 am
It’s completely absurd to put Keanu Reeves in the role of Spike Spiegel. Yes, the character is dark and brooding, which generally requires less acting skill and could possibly be pulled of by someone with Mr. Reeves’ minimal talent reservoirs, but there is also a lighter side to him, as well as EXTREMELY high expectations from the fanworld. Did they honestly think the fans of such a well-loved and, more importantly, well-respected anime would put up with these shenanigans? I for one certainly will not.
June 1st, 2009 at 10:12 am
Smeagol, not Smeagle… I usually don’t point out grammar and spelling mistakes, but that one could have been researced…
May 30th, 2009 at 7:37 am
I can subscribe to the idea that any movie touched by Fox is doomed to be flawed, one way or the other.
can’t subscribe to the all-happy Reeves bashing, though.
first of all, it’s already been done to death.
second, it’s just your opinion. others are entitled to their own.
did you people see Scanner Darkly ? or Street Kings ? the man f-king owned those roles. and that to mention only his recent movies.
he could be Spike . but the quality of the movie will depend mainly on the script.
as for the Jekyll remake… could we please stop whining until we actually see the darn movie ? thank you.
May 29th, 2009 at 3:37 pm
This article could have been worse … Seanbaby could have written it.
May 29th, 2009 at 2:25 pm
Dear Michael
Your diatribe is trite. You have not seen all Keanu’s films and I don’t think you care who plays the role in this movie. You are too lazy to think so you string foul phrases together on easy targets. Sort of like farting out yesterdays beer and pickles.
Best,
Rebecca Fransway
May 29th, 2009 at 2:07 pm
NOOOOOOOO He cant play Spike! Please god no.
May 28th, 2009 at 6:15 pm
WHAT!!?!?!?! HES PLAYING SPIKE!?!?!?!?!?! FUCK YOU HOLLYWOOD!
May 28th, 2009 at 1:58 pm
at least we never have to be excited for a cowboy bebop movie now.
May 28th, 2009 at 8:43 am
never thought that SWAIM’s an anime fan…
May 28th, 2009 at 5:15 am
OMFG NO PLEASE GOD NO.
May 27th, 2009 at 11:49 pm
I try not to make grammatical judgments here, given that there are just too many errors. But the man’s name was Christopher Reeve, not Reeves.
That’s all from the peanut gallery. Sorry for any toes that were trod upon.
May 27th, 2009 at 4:38 pm
First it was 4KIDS ruining One Piece, now it’s Fox (possibly) ruining
Bebop…
May 27th, 2009 at 3:39 pm
Dr.Jekyll&Mr.Hyde and Spike Spiegel being portrayed by this: http://is.gd/HBTX
So many people will watch both Films and wonder why they were hyped so much, while at the same time suck so bad. Rotten Tomatoes here we go.
Hey, if we are lucky Mr.Hyde will be represented by leftover CGI of the last Hulk movies, this way it would suck only half as bad.
May 27th, 2009 at 12:29 pm
This has to be a hoax. Dear God, it has to be.
May 26th, 2009 at 7:07 pm
It was Christopher Reeve, not Reeves. But I forgive you for your steam-bassoon. They should get a steam-bassoon to act, instead of Keannot Act.
May 26th, 2009 at 3:56 pm
They’re making a Cowboy Bebop movie? I loved that anime! And Keanu Reeves is in it?
Okay, I’m gonna forcibly make him pull a Heath Ledger.
May 26th, 2009 at 2:32 pm
I AM THE NERD PROTECTOR! HEY, where did my panties go?!?!
May 26th, 2009 at 2:24 pm
Oh FUCK NO, he is NOT playing Spike Spiegal!
***
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
May 26th, 2009 at 1:42 pm
“I’m hoping he goes with the first one, so we can watch Dr. Jekyll wage a grim fight against Mr. Hyde’s quest to invent Cheetos, thrash on the 19th century equivalent of an electric bass (which I believe would be the steam-bassoon) and hassle Tchaikovsky.”
Please, please let this be a movie. STEAM BASSOON! WANANA WANANA WAWWWWW!!!
May 26th, 2009 at 12:16 pm
I think there are a few of us Ms Goddess. We have a Union.
That last meeting was swell huh?
May 26th, 2009 at 11:12 am
Wait. I thought I was the nerd protector.
May 26th, 2009 at 11:11 am
Well if both Jekyll and Hyde are supposed to be utterly confused by what is happening due to the serum, and out of frustration lash out in a barrage of Kung Fu…then the casting is brilliant.
May 26th, 2009 at 10:23 am
Yes, Keanu wasn’t bad in A Scanner Darkly. That, and a lax attitude, does not mean he can play Spike Spiegel.
I picture Spike yelling, “And you! You take too long to take a shit!”. There’s passion and rage and everything to make a moment immersive.
I picture Keanu getting to slightly confused before giving up altogether on evoking rage.
May 26th, 2009 at 10:21 am
What’s wrong with stealing panties huh? You like stealing men’s underwear big boy?
Hey, keep your hands off my boxers you freak.
May 26th, 2009 at 10:04 am
I am the nerd protector! Yeah, I know, I suck!
May 26th, 2009 at 9:41 am
The sparkling social ‘life’ of someone who goes onto a blog, takes the time to comment on ‘nerds’ with no life.
Ahem.
May 26th, 2009 at 9:16 am
it’s a wonderful thing. seeing all the emo nerd sorrow in these comments is giving me a huge boner. have a life anyone? didn’t think so. dicks!
May 26th, 2009 at 8:58 am
Holy shit, Reeves is playing Spike? That’s sacrilege to the most extreme! My week is completely shattered now.
May 26th, 2009 at 8:53 am
“No word yet on who’s in line to play Spike’s copilot, Jet Black, a onetime Inter-Solar System cop with a mechanical arm, but so far we’re liking the whole Firefly-Battlestar Galactica-Bill & Ted vibe.”
Wow, really? Now I want to kick this bitch in her taco.
May 26th, 2009 at 8:48 am
ah, thanks for making my day in the cubicle much brighter. i’m always amazed at how he and will smith spend much of their characters being the same person….and Michael Cera.
May 26th, 2009 at 8:24 am
WHAT THE FUCK!? Keanu is in the Bebop movie? That may the most disappointing news I’ve heard all year. And I just found out my mom is smoking crack… Damn.
By the way: Kudos on your writing. And videos. I think you’re the best columnist on Cracked. Not to mention your sexiness. I think I’d be worshipping you if I wasn’t already hell-bent on disproving organized religion… But I’m not the Anit-Christ… Because that would be condescending.
May 26th, 2009 at 8:15 am
Please, for the love of God somebody tell me the CowBe movie will be cancelled!!!!
May 26th, 2009 at 7:55 am
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May 26th, 2009 at 7:38 am
Well, since the movie is titled Jeckyl, it’ll probably be a big “fuck you” to the original story and instead will tell the tale of misunderstood fellow named Jeckyl who’s trying to cure his cancer by making a deal with the devil. While running in a horse at more than 20 km per hour.
All of this will happen in a simulation of the real world and will have semi-cool surf montages and the shittiest plot ever to involve a lake house.
And as long as Faye Valentine gets played by a hot girl (knowing Hollywood fucktarded mentality, Megan Fox or motherfucking Angelina Jolie is a sure bet) all of you anime-masturbating types will go see it.
May 26th, 2009 at 6:46 am
Swaim is 100% right. STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM BEBOP!!! If Keanu HAS to stink up Cowboy Bebop, he should go furry and play Ein. At least he’ll have to shut the fuck up
May 26th, 2009 at 6:08 am
Natch baby! Loved it! Also ,your new video made me wet myself. You are going places if i have anything to say about it.
W/love
GOD
May 26th, 2009 at 5:10 am
I actually think Keanu could play spike well. He does sound like a stoner half the time, after all.
May 26th, 2009 at 3:07 am
Why don’t you just go ahead and slap me in the face and hire Vin Diesel to do Jet Black while you’re at it, Hollywood?
May 26th, 2009 at 2:13 am
‘Jekyll’?
It sounds like it should have an exclamation point at the end, like a one-man off-Broadway show.
“Keanu Reeves is Jekyll! A brilliant scientist suffering to keep inside the beastly and savage ‘Hyde’ (his homosexual alter-ego) through the magic of rigidly fabulous dance numbers.”
May 25th, 2009 at 11:43 pm
Promises… promises
May 25th, 2009 at 8:29 pm
SPIKE? Keanu as Spike? I might as well jump off of a bridge now so that i won’t have to experience one of my favorite shows defiled in such a manner.
May 25th, 2009 at 8:16 pm
Ah, Swaimey! You are so totally right - it would be the steam-bassoon!
May 25th, 2009 at 8:14 pm
Keanu Reeves is the man. except for the day the earth stood still. he just reprised neo for that role, minus knowing kung fu. devils advocate, Dracula, those were pretty good. and what about Johnny Utah. Point Break kicked some epic ass.
May 25th, 2009 at 6:54 pm
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May 25th, 2009 at 2:39 pm
2 movies that Keanu was in that were pretty good were… My Own Private Idaho & Feeling Minnesota. Oddly enough both have mid-west states in their names. Perhaps the producers can redeem these casting tragedies with a simple name tweak.
Wyoming Cowboy Bebop
Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde’s Awesome Arkansas Adventure
Imdb has the title listed as “Jekyll”. Honest to God. Just “Jekyll”. heehee
It’s entirely possible that some Hollywood genius simply wrote Mr. Hyde out of the story to accomodate Mr. Reeves’ limited skills.
May 25th, 2009 at 2:34 pm
It’s true. Hollywood has just thrown in the towel. That and Johnny Depp playing the author inserted fantasy persona for yet another pedo-tale turned “blockbuster”; Alice in wonderland’s Mad Hatter. Yes, the man can act(-ish) but that doesn’t mean every part he should play has to look like a porcelin doll.
May 25th, 2009 at 2:17 pm
@AnderFREAK,
Did you know that the SciFi Channel has been running a Land Of The Lost marathon today?
May 25th, 2009 at 2:15 pm
Jesus glendoor, you’ve been kinda’ cranky lately. Has the doc stopped giving out the happy pills? That’s just the pain talking, right?
May 25th, 2009 at 1:38 pm
Good one Sir.
I hate Keanu, and even more since I found out about him playing Spike Spiegel!! Hollywood has clearly given up … and also likes to crap on Manga/Anime series.
May 25th, 2009 at 12:47 pm
Keanu Reeves…green clown afro, for Halloween. It’s acting!
Seriously though, he played John Constantine. It’s almost as if his Woah-ness exists to destroy things subcultures think are cool. (The Matrix Trilogy, Johnny Mnemonic; aside from the first Matrix film, which relied heavily on its novelty for the mainstream audience, it pretty much was the nail in cyberpunk’s coffin.)
May 25th, 2009 at 12:34 pm
Haha It will be hillarious. I would pay to see him trying to convey emotions (!) from two different characters… I still think he’s an android.
May 25th, 2009 at 8:40 am
Aren’t ya skanky? http://neilsnotes.com/index.php?page=15&catid=29&sku=E-CD00322
May 25th, 2009 at 7:41 am
Plastic? That’s one of the most malleable substances on earth. I’d say he’s more like a diamond.
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May 25th, 2009 at 3:29 am
It seems like hollywood will stop at nothing to ruin my childhood.
The Land of the Lost? Cowboy bebop? Is nothing sacred God-dammit?
May 25th, 2009 at 2:57 am
Arnold should do it…
May 25th, 2009 at 2:11 am
@Lucy:
Show us some screencaps of Keanu angry. Now show us some screencaps of Keanu confused. Now show us some screencaps of Keanu sad. Now show us some screencaps of Keanu happy.
He doesn’t have range. Range means Jack Nicholson, range means Donald Sutherland. Range means Heath Fucking Ledger. Keanu has no range.
But at least they didn’t go for Affleck, right? Give them some credit.
May 25th, 2009 at 12:27 am
hrm, this is Fox we’re talking about. Think The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, or Fantastic Four, or the later X-Men movies. They’re not going to cover any of the story; They’re just gonna take some generic plot points, and some generic character traits, and mush them into goop of bad action and unintentional self-parody.
May 25th, 2009 at 12:26 am
First name that came to mind when I thought of an actor for Jekyll and Hyde: Daniel Day Lewis.
May 24th, 2009 at 11:58 pm
You’re just jealous. Hes so hot and you’re so not.
BTW. He does SO have acting range. You only saw the Matrix series. Dig deeper, stupid
May 24th, 2009 at 11:40 pm
Swaim! You rule!
May 24th, 2009 at 10:50 pm
…but my cock is a lot bigger!
May 24th, 2009 at 10:35 pm
Take a look at James Nesbitt’s performance in the BBC adaptation. Dear god he is a frightening man. The best part is, Hyde isn’t a gruesome monster, he’s just a terrifyingly strong, impluse driven, man child.
May 24th, 2009 at 9:29 pm
Actually, given Spike’s typically laconic attitude in the show, I could see Keanu doing pretty well with the role. I wonder if they’ll try to cover the whole story in one go, or if they’ll leave everybody intact and try to make sequels.
Also, I will be pissed off if they don’t hire The Seatbelts to do the score for the movie.
May 24th, 2009 at 8:46 pm
At least he looks like Spike, judging from the pics in that link. However, since I’m mostly exposed to Bill & Ted, The Matrix, and a few select wherein he’s in typical, statuesque mode, could someone give up some applicable-to-Bebop examples of Reeves/Keanu?
May 24th, 2009 at 8:26 pm
Oh god, no, say it isn’t so!
May 24th, 2009 at 7:30 pm
“Nicolas Cage as Vash from Trigun (not true, hopefully)”
NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
LIES!
YOU SPEAK VILE LIES!
May 24th, 2009 at 7:21 pm
they’re making a film based on Cowboy Bepop?
did they learn nothing from Speed Racer?
anime can not be adapted into live action
May 24th, 2009 at 6:09 pm
Which is the worst?
A) Keanu Reaves as Spike
B) Keanu Reaves as Dr. Jekyll/Mr.Hyde
C) Nicolas Cage as Vash from Trigun (not true, hopefully)
D) These are all the worst
I’m sorry, D was the correct answer.
May 24th, 2009 at 6:02 pm
I don’t see why there seems to be such hatred for Keanu Reeves on the internet, his a decent enough actor, the problem is he is often given roles which he is wholly unsuited for. Lets hope it’s different this time.
May 24th, 2009 at 5:59 pm
Who’s grand idea was it for him to play Spike? Why not just stick with the tried and true animated series…
May 24th, 2009 at 5:54 pm
Keanu is actually a big fan of cowboy bebop and he has a big part in getting the movie produced. Personaly, I think he’s a good pick for that role.
jekyll/hyde not so much…
May 24th, 2009 at 3:09 pm
I do: http://neilsnotes.com/index.php?page=13&catid=9&sku=ENGL-CD00418
May 24th, 2009 at 2:58 pm
Comparing Reeves and Heath Ledger is inappropriate as Ledger went from average to very good in about ten years, Reeves on the other hand is 44 and has been at it for over twenty years - this is as good as hes gonna get and thats not saying a lot. Yet another grossly miscast pretty boy who thinks he’s DeNiro.
May 24th, 2009 at 2:52 pm
Reeves couldn’t even play Reeves properly.
May 24th, 2009 at 2:11 pm
I couldn’t give a shit about Bebop or whatever it is, Mr ’so-called Lone Voice of Dissent’ but I do care about Hollywood dessicrating another literary classic.
Bets are on right now - Mr Hyde is going to be a CGI-rendered mutant, and Dr Jekyll has kung-fu powers.
May 24th, 2009 at 2:01 pm
You know, the guy actually did a pretty good job in A SCANNER DARKLY. His performance wasn’t unbearable, and actually worked quite well given the setting and circumstance.
I think it’s easy to dismiss him based on work he did 10 or twenty years ago, but that seems really petty. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a huge supporter of this pick (personally, I think Eric Bana could do a great Spike), but give the guy a chance to show us before we condemn him. Keep in mind that Heath Ledger’s early performances were not anything to be excessively proud of, but he came into his own.
May 24th, 2009 at 12:47 pm
Wasn’t 50 cent in the plan to play Jekyll and Hyde?
May 24th, 2009 at 12:38 pm
Yes, Keanu Reeves sucks, you’re right. But in this regard, swaim, you and him are more alike than you’d like to admit. Thanks, douchebag.
May 24th, 2009 at 11:10 am
I’d like to see Aaron Eckhart do Jekyll/Hyde. He could also take his shirt off at some point in the film.
And the last movie I liked Keanu in was Parenthood. He was funny, especially since he was only in one or two painfully acted scenes with Martha Plimpton and her horrible wig, and an apple cheeked young Joaquin “Leaf” Phoenix.
May 24th, 2009 at 10:16 am
johnny depp=spike spiegel
keanu reeves=mop
May 24th, 2009 at 8:52 am
Keanu Reeves as my favourite space cowboy? I’m actually crying right now.
May 24th, 2009 at 8:15 am
Every time Hollywood thinks about casting Keanu Reeves in a roll they should punch themselves in the liver and then call up Johnny Depp. Sure they look kind of similar, but Johnny can play any roll, whereas Keanu can’t act at all.
May 24th, 2009 at 3:29 am
Keanu Reeves < Spike Spiegel
May 24th, 2009 at 2:54 am
At least they retained Watanabe as a consultant on the film…
Ed should be played by Inez Efron, discuss.
May 24th, 2009 at 2:36 am
Hey now guys, I’m as upset as anyone over 1) Bebop being made into a live action and 2) KEANU as lead?!?
But let’s take what good we can from this: Who’s playing Faye? Ehh? Yellow short-shorts?
Eww, although this brings up another troubling issue: how the fuck will they handle Ed?
May 24th, 2009 at 1:49 am
This page is full of win because Keanu is full of so much fail. And here I thought there was hope for Hollywood after the awesomeness of Star Trek. Ah well…
And yes, I’ve heard about him playing Spike Speigel. It may be difficult, but I think they may pull off making the Cowboy Bebop movie more terrible than the Dragon Ball movie, which would totally deserve Rhaspberry of the fucking Year.
May 24th, 2009 at 1:14 am
You know what? I think Keanu Reeves’ nuanced form of acting will bring dignity and respect to bothhawhahawhhaw! I’m sorry, I’m so sorry…I ALMOST fucking did it, I almost typed that with a straight face. But I didn’t. Because it’s a terrible idea.
May 24th, 2009 at 12:53 am
Oh, I forgot to add, what the hell is Hollywood’s problem? Cowboy Bebop does not need to be made into a fucking lvie action film. It was perfect on its own. And din’t they make a Bebop film anyway?! I read that Keanu says it’s complicated for the scriptwriters to, you know, write the goddamn script, because the series is so episodic and disconnected. THAT’S BECAUSE IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE MADE INTO A FILLLLM. *RAGE*
May 24th, 2009 at 12:30 am
What the hell is Bebop?
May 23rd, 2009 at 11:21 pm
Yeah, I fucking raged hard too when I heard about Bebop. Me and everyone else was like “Must… kill… FOOOOOOOOOOX!!!!!!!”
May 23rd, 2009 at 10:25 pm
Well then, why don’t you get off your fat, lazy, cum-loaded, dripping ass and write something better yourself… you judgmental whore!
May 23rd, 2009 at 10:12 pm
‘Oscar, please’ is, by far, the best thing you wrote in this article. Fantastic job, Swaim. It wasn’t as funny as your usual articles but I loved the topic.
May 23rd, 2009 at 10:05 pm
Fucking Cowboy Beebop is being made into a movie now? They really are scraping the bottom of the barrel, because I highly doubt this can be any good. Beebop is amazing. Fuck you Hollywood.
May 23rd, 2009 at 8:52 pm
@Hailey
Throw in some Guinness and he is as good as dead.
May 23rd, 2009 at 8:50 pm
Spike Spiegel…. Keanu Reeves? NO! He must be ended.
What does hollywood have against my childhood memories?
May 23rd, 2009 at 8:48 pm
NERRD RAGE!!!
First off, a live action Cowboy Bebop is guarantied to snort ass crack.
Secondly, while Kanoe is the go-to-guy for science fiction, I have to wonder why Hollywood thinks that a cult following is going to eventually transform into mainstream success.
Thirdly, the world is luck that it will end on 12-20-12, just so we may be spared this atrocity.
May 23rd, 2009 at 7:58 pm
We’re getting too obsessed over that small mention of Bebop. Let’s move the topic back to ruining Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.
http://www.somethingawful.com/d/rom-pit/dr-jekyll-mr.php
Actually, if the movie were based on that game I’d consider paying money for it.
May 23rd, 2009 at 7:52 pm
I think you might just be onto something thre dude!
RT
http://www.real-anonymity.pro.tc
May 23rd, 2009 at 7:49 pm
That lady just pretends she’s a little kid in that small body and all… but… BA-BOING!!!! http://neilsnotes.com/index.php?page=13&catid=17&sku=ENGL-CD00424
May 23rd, 2009 at 7:17 pm
David Hasselhoff = Best Jekyll/Hyde EVER! Saw the Hoff perform on Broadway - that sloppy, cheesburger grubbin’ old guy can sing like a muthafucker.
May 23rd, 2009 at 6:53 pm
You know, I would wait to see some fotage before I made any decisions.
Also, I would pay fuckloads of money to see a Freakazoid movie.
May 23rd, 2009 at 6:10 pm
Swaim, you read my mind. I was thinking “he’s also slated to play Spike,” and then you mentioned it. I just hope they don’t get Dakota Fanning to play Ed.
May 23rd, 2009 at 5:46 pm
Ruining Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde is a terrible thing. Ruining Spike Spiegel is a cardinal sin. But if I ever hear one single word about Keanu Reeves playing Solid Snake in a live action Metal Gear, I will make it my life’s work to force feed everyone in Hollywood’s own kidneys to them.
May 23rd, 2009 at 5:34 pm
Keanu is playing Spike Spiegel. Well, that’s it then. There is only one solution. I am officially taking out a hit on him. Whoever kills Keanu Reeves for me will receive one (1) tuna fish sandwich with parsley AND capers AND a side of fancy gourmet kettle chips (sea salt and vinegar OR barbecue.)
May 23rd, 2009 at 5:33 pm
Keanu playing Spike is like Queen Latifah playing Faye. Hollywood really has given up.
May 23rd, 2009 at 5:27 pm
Let’s make it easy, OK? Live action anime = FAIL. Keanu Reeves outside “The Matrix” = FAIL. Take it to heart, Hollywood!
May 23rd, 2009 at 5:26 pm
…this guy!!! Good 4 them both! http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1292175/
May 23rd, 2009 at 5:13 pm
Smeagle? SMEAGLE?!? Can someone fix that please?
May 23rd, 2009 at 3:47 pm
Johnny Depp should take all of his roles.
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May 23rd, 2009 at 2:54 pm
Noooooo! Everyone just leave Bebop alone!
May 23rd, 2009 at 2:43 pm
Fiona: “…James Nesbitt. He did an incredible job, with a terrifying (in my opinion, anyway!) Hyde”
Indeed he did; but all of us people from Northern Ireland can sound scary when we use our broad Belfast accents =)
May 23rd, 2009 at 2:02 pm
What a sad tale
If you want to see an amazing Jekyll/Hyde perfomance, check out the BBC production “Jekyll” from a few years ago, starring James Nesbitt. He did an incredible job, with a terrifying (in my opinion, anyway!) Hyde…
May 23rd, 2009 at 1:43 pm
Spike Spiegel= The new Neo
This will probably be a newspaper headline ( If there are newspapers left by the time this comes around)
I will cry in the fetal position in the Shower just for the fact that keanu is still getting work
May 23rd, 2009 at 1:31 pm
i love him, but jeckle and hyde…? err
May 23rd, 2009 at 1:17 pm
This was tragic. Then you brought up the Cowboy Bebop thing and made it more tragic.
You’re just trying to make me cry.
May 23rd, 2009 at 1:12 pm
Eh, go look what they did to John Constantine and then come back and be incredulous. Hollywood and Keanu are doing absolutely nothing new here. I was pretty aghast over hearing about Spike and Kaneda, but you know what? Fuck it, this is what American entertainment is all about.
May 23rd, 2009 at 1:06 pm
Hollywood makes me sad now; like if your best childhood friend de-evolved into a crackwhore right before your eyes…
May 23rd, 2009 at 1:00 pm
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May 23rd, 2009 at 12:44 pm
Thank you, Swaim! You are officially my favorite columnist for this.
Keanu Reeves is a prick, and he should not be going anywhere near Cowboy Bebop, or Spike! He has no fucking right to play such a great role. He will ruin Spike.
Maybe if it was a more subpar anime, it’d be okay. BUT NOT MY BEBOP!
May 23rd, 2009 at 12:42 pm
Keanu is playing Spike Spiegel AND the main character in Akira. Brace yourselves
May 23rd, 2009 at 12:41 pm
Bebop, especially what we got in English, shouldn’t be so sacred. I’m actually having trouble imagining anybody but Keanu the way the characters reacted with an annoyingly loud, “Huuhh??” any time they heard anything.
That aside, “rip off of Deckard?” I don’t know who you are but I owe you one for keeping anime fans from looking like the dumbest posters here.
May 23rd, 2009 at 12:20 pm
I…..like……Keanu reeves
May 23rd, 2009 at 12:12 pm
I actually think that the Neo/Ted combonation would be a great film. It’d be like a live action Freakazoid! movie
May 23rd, 2009 at 12:02 pm
NO HOLLYWOOD, YOU DO NOT FUCKING *DARE* FUCK WITH MY COWBOY GODDAMN BEBOP
I WILL HUNT YOU
I WILL FIND YOU
I WILL KILL YOU
May 23rd, 2009 at 11:57 am
What keanu is playing spike in a bebop remake?…..God dammit…..
May 23rd, 2009 at 11:54 am
Now that I think about it, the problem really isn’t Keanu Reeves, he’s more of a symptom. The real issue here is to try and cram the anime series into a movie format and trying to do it with a US director. I’m sure some of you’ll be offended by that but really, there’s a certain formula that follows from the Hollywood/US thing that will effect pacing, scenografi, fight scenes, moral content, etc. Might as well ask Dubbya to stage a fucking tea ceremony.
May 23rd, 2009 at 11:54 am
He’s the one behind the whole project of Bebop so yeah, it’s happening. Read about it awhile ago and already had time to kill myself, come back, and realize I’m still in hell. It sucks but look at Dragonball. We must accept the fact that shit truly happens. *sigh*
May 23rd, 2009 at 11:40 am
That’s…that’s just not possible. Someone please tell me that Keanu fucking Reeves hasn’t been casted as Spike. I didn’t even know that the shit flinging capital of the world had gotten it’s hands on the rights for it. There’s no way to describe what a giant cluster fuck that would be…Well, I guess that image up there of Keanu is a good start.
May 23rd, 2009 at 11:38 am
Wait, there’s hope, he’s got three movies coming out before Bebop which is scheduled for 2011, maybe if… when they both suck- and swallow- they will drop him and cast someone more appropriate, like the reanimated corpse of Bruce lee, hell, he may not talk, and look look like a zombie, but ask yourselves, is Keanu any better?
May 23rd, 2009 at 11:33 am
In the defense of Keanue Reeves and his acting ability, well he doesn’t actually know he is being filmed. He is just going about his normal day and a camera crew just film him. You would think he would notice going up to him and calling him different names all the time but you know what? He doesn’t notice!
May 23rd, 2009 at 11:33 am
Reading these comments I know the consensus is against Keanu as Spike, but for the few who see them as similar, go watch the anime, Spike was sarcastic, funny, and laid back, but could still express emotions when he had to, and though had a pretty raspy dry voice, he could shout or change inflections when needed, see, those are things Keanu cannot do, and thus, the only way keanu is similar is in look when you really get into the characters. And also I can’t imagine Keanu still looking as good as spike when fighting, spikes whole thing was fluidity, that go with the flow attitude was part of his fighting as well, watch matrix, watch keanu’s martial arts scene again, the guy flails his arms around for no reason and really looks like an idiot to any real martial artist.
May 23rd, 2009 at 11:33 am
How is it fair that Heath Ledger had to die and this cocksucker is getting cast in a movie that Heath would have totally kicked ass in.
I vote we perform dark necromantic rites to bring Heath Ledger back from the dead. And we use Keanu Reeves as the human sacrifice to bring him back with.
May 23rd, 2009 at 11:32 am
Oh, and the fact he is ruining Cowboy Bebop is just further cementing my new found status as an atheist.
May 23rd, 2009 at 11:31 am
Wait? Dr Jeckyl and Mr Hyde ARE THE SAME PERSON? Why the fuck didn’t you put up any spoilers asshole?
Well of course everyone knows that, which is strange as in the original book it is one huge plot twist.
May 23rd, 2009 at 11:30 am
I’m now officially denouncing my agnosticism and becoming an atheist. There can be no loving God in a world where Keanu Reeves is allowed to ruin Jekyl/Hyde or where Leonardo Dicapiro can ruin Akira. There just can’t be… *weeps*
May 23rd, 2009 at 11:23 am
Thank you for slamming this choice! I almost puked when I heard the news. It occurred to me what an incredible shame it is that Heath Ledger is gone. He could have played this role with absolutely no makeup or special effects whatsoever. And done it brilliantly.
I fail to see how the hell Keanu Reeves gets any roles whatsoever. Oh wait. We’re talking about Hollyweird here. The Land of Remake Hell!!! >:(
May 23rd, 2009 at 11:21 am
People seem to think Keanu is like spike because they look a little similar in one photo on that article… huh?
Looking isn’t acting people, and calm, cool, laid back, and humorous is not the same as emotionless and monotone, only one solution, we have to kill Keanu, and takers? I’m broke though so your pay will be my unending gratitude… and if need be sexual favors.
May 23rd, 2009 at 11:19 am
Well, fuck me gently with a chainsaw! An article that ISN’T about bloody Terminator.
May 23rd, 2009 at 11:00 am
<3
May 23rd, 2009 at 10:52 am
“you are retard ass hole, anime rocks!!!”
No it doesn’t, it just really, really sucks. It sucks so bad Keanu Reeves could only improve it.
AND CRACKED, YOU’VE FUCKED UP THE ROUND UP AGAIN!
May 23rd, 2009 at 10:48 am
David Wong: Shit, we have an open article this weekend. He have to come up with something so we can sell some advertising space.
Jack O’Brien: What can we do? Another Terminator-related article?
David Wong: No, we already have two of them. What can we pull out of the pop-culture drawer?
Jack O’Brien: Well, apparently, it’s still cool to hate Keanu Reeves.
David Wong: GREAT! Let’s call Mike Swaim and have him write about how one-dimensional we’ve made Keanu Reeves out to be. NOBODY HAS EVER DONE THAT BEFORE!!!
Jack O’Brien: But how do we make it current? How can we make it so it’ll show up within the first few google results when somebody searches “Keanu Reeves”?
David Wong: Well, there was an insignificant article featured on Rottentomatoes two weeks ago about how Keanu might play Dr. Jekyll in an upcoming movie…
Jack O’Brien: Great! Call Mike. He can write an article that talks about Keanu Reeves being a flat actor, and Hollywood’s lack of originality. TOTALLY ORIGINAL!!!
David Wong: But… this article says Keanu’s “Jekyll” will be directed by an indie director. It might not be Hollywood…
Jack O’Brien: NO!! EVERY MOVIE MADE IS MADE BY HOLLYWOOD!!!
David Wong: Okay, geez. I’ll call Mike.
May 23rd, 2009 at 10:32 am
Hey guys, it could be worst. Hollywood could be doing some live-action version of Akira… oh, forget it.
May 23rd, 2009 at 10:32 am
I think it’s great that nearly all of the responses here are about the last two lines of the post, referring to Keanu playing Spike. And I totally agree with all the pessimistic assessments. A live action take on a classic anime will ruin the name, and he will ruin our memory of Spike.
May 23rd, 2009 at 10:31 am
That is going to be the worse Scottish accent in the history of time. It’s going to be Shrek crossed with Groundskeeper Willie, delivered with the enthusiasm and charisma of a 2×4.
May 23rd, 2009 at 10:24 am
Shit…I forgot he was playing Spike. Why did you have to remind me?
May 23rd, 2009 at 10:13 am
Wow. Six Flags guy last week, Keanu Reeves’ acting skills this week. What year is it again?
Next week SWAIM answers the question, “Is it just me or is this Urkle kid not that funny?”
May 23rd, 2009 at 9:46 am
Fuck all yall. lol, Keanu is awesome.
May 23rd, 2009 at 9:44 am
this just goes to show that there is no god… if there were any doubts left, they are gone now
May 23rd, 2009 at 9:42 am
I DID NOT KNOW ABOUT KEANU PLAYING SPIKE.
Now Hollywood is just fucking with us on purpose.
Bastards.
May 23rd, 2009 at 9:41 am
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May 23rd, 2009 at 9:25 am
you are retard ass hole, anime rocks!!!
May 23rd, 2009 at 9:24 am
It’s been a long time since I read Cowboy Bebob (and I never watched it) but doesn’t Spike shoot things? A lot? Because keep in mind, that’s something Keanu Reeves is very good at. Look at the Matrix. Yeah, yeah, everybody mocks it now, but if you say you didn’t love his performance the first time you saw it you’ll probably also say you wouldn’t do Kim Kardashian ’cause she’s shallow. (And I’d like to note that all the trashing of the sequels always starts well after actually seeing them.) Hollywood can’t make a live action movie from an anime without throwing in plenty of special effectsy fighting, and special effectsy fighting is to Keanu Reeves as funny hair is to Nicholas Cage.
May 23rd, 2009 at 9:20 am
I agree with lol. Anime is retarded, but it’s Deckard, not Decker.
May 23rd, 2009 at 9:06 am
I’m sorry to piss on your parade Cowboy Bebop fans… But Spike Spiegel has about as much charisma as a turd floating in a pool..
He’s a rip off of Decker from Blade Runner.. and not a good one. Japanese cartoons are stupid anyway…
May 23rd, 2009 at 8:59 am
@Strangedaze Live action Akira? Kill me now, I don’t care who’s in it.
May 23rd, 2009 at 8:58 am
It actually took me a few seconds to realize that Kawiunoo will destroy Cowboy Bebop. Superficially, he looks a little like Spike, he’s built like him, and he can probably learn jeet kune do well enough. But then I realized that Spike is cool.
And Keeyownu is not cool.
Plus he’s almost 20 years too old.
May 23rd, 2009 at 8:56 am
I think I would have been able to overlook the news of Keanu performing in the titular (fun word) role of Jekyll and Hyde, but I think that Keanu and the rest of Hollywood should leave the idea of making a live-action Cowboy Bebop fucking well alone.
Keanu just doesn’t have that suavely sardonic charisma one would need to emulate the character of Spike Spiegel. But all of us Cowboy Bebop fans will probably still watch it all the same for curiosity’s sake.
@Caegn Gary Oldman. Amen.
@Noah James Marsters’ characters have always seemed a bit dry to me, however I’ll concede that he probably does have move of the right mojo than Keanu to portray Spike.
May 23rd, 2009 at 8:54 am
Keanu Reeves playing Dr. Jekyll/hyde and spike in the Cowboy bebop movie sounds pretty bad. But I don’t think it sounds nearly as bad as Leonardo DiCaprio being in the Live action Akira movie. Ugh. Make the live action remakes stop. Didn’t people learn anything from DBZ the movie.
May 23rd, 2009 at 8:51 am
After thinking about it for a minute, I believe the reason they chose Kean-whoa for Bebop is because he has the right look. In fact, I think that’s why he gets any roles at all. And he’s not the only “star” who has based their entire career (acting or singing) on just looking good. I guess when you’re that pretty, you just don’t need talent. =/
May 23rd, 2009 at 8:46 am
“Oh and hey, Keanu, while I’ve got your attention:
SPIKE?! You’re playing fucking SPIKE SPIEGEL?! How DARE you! Get the hell away from Bebop! Or better yet, go method: hurl yourself into space.”
That was my reaction when I heard about this. I love Cowboy Bebop! I love Spike! Spike has charisma. Spike has depth. And, Keanu… Well, if they just placed a cardboard cut-out of Keanu in every scene, they’d probably get a better performance than if he actually tried to play the part.
May 23rd, 2009 at 8:45 am
“You should have said Smeagol/Gollum.”
Oh jesus.
That never occured to me when I read it. Maybe I’ve got brain cancer. Fuck.
May 23rd, 2009 at 8:42 am
Personally I’d love to see morgan freeman in the Jekyll/Hyde role, just because it would allow him to monolgue his lines again, except this time 19th century style! totally worth paying money to see.
The whole schizophrenic thing has been done before sooo many times they need someone to bring a new side to it, I don’t think keanu could deliver that, unless he reverts to Bill and Ted style, “Excellent” “Whoa”
Keeping on the comedy Bill theme, why not Billy Connelly or Bill Bailey, heck even Bill Nighy could do an interesting schizo performance.
May 23rd, 2009 at 8:36 am
I have a feeling that this movie will rock, and it will shock people. People will say “Hey, Keanu Reeves DOES in fact rule. This role was made for him.”
May 23rd, 2009 at 8:35 am
To be honest, would Keanu be that bad a choice for Spike? Spike came off to me as being pretty stoic and half-asleep all the time anyway.
May 23rd, 2009 at 8:31 am
Wow. How is it that Keanu Reeves keeps getting movie roles? Seriously he fucking sucks. the only role he was meant to play was Klatuu in The Day the Earth Stood Still because he was an emotionless alien and he STILL FUCKED THAT UP.
May 23rd, 2009 at 8:30 am
*Eyes widen after reading the last paragraph which is followed by gasping and sputtering from caching remains of 1/8th size bong bowl in under 4 seconds due to reactive inhalation brought on by shock before falling out of chair in a heap of spent ganja and disbelief*
WHAT?!?!?!!!?!!!?!!?
May 23rd, 2009 at 8:28 am
Heath Ledger probably would have been great for a Jekyll/Hyde movie, but alas, he is no longer with us.
Also, your Smeagol/Deagol (note the spelling) comment doesn’t work, because they were two entirely different characters. You should have said Smeagol/Gollum.
May 23rd, 2009 at 8:26 am
“damn it! im sick and tired of hollywood raping all the fictional characters i love by making shity movies out of their stories… fucking gay vampire from twilight is playing salvador dali!!!”
ebichu–don’t know if the above was intended or not but either way, dali’s crazy ass would totally dig you calling him “fictional.”
May 23rd, 2009 at 8:22 am
I’m all aboard the Depp bandwagon. It’s a black bandwagon, with lots of screeches emanating from the back.
May 23rd, 2009 at 8:20 am
Ohhh, curse you Swaim. I’m sitting here, reading this, like “heh, someone thinks he could play Jeckyl and Hyde” and all of a sudden that last paragraph hits me like A FUCKING LIGHTNING BOLT.
NO. NO. I WAS NOT PREPARED FOR THAT. DAMNIT BEBOP WAS SO GOOD I WASN’T EVEN EMBARRASSED TO WATCH IT.
Raaarl: I don’t think Spike would be the same without the subtle smile. No way Keanu could do it.
May 23rd, 2009 at 8:19 am
Jim Parsons. They’re doing Jeckyl/hyde as a comedy rite..? I mean they already got us laughed at the casting why not go all the way.
May 23rd, 2009 at 8:13 am
I can accept being called a fag, but a GAY fag?
You’ve gone too far, Fartmaster. Too far.
May 23rd, 2009 at 8:12 am
As Heath Ledger died….Johnny Depp.
May 23rd, 2009 at 8:11 am
I personally believe this is all based around some bet two people made on whether or not it’s possible for Keanu Reeves to act.
May 23rd, 2009 at 8:04 am
Anime is for fags.
(if you disagree with this you’re a fag)
(Like the gay kind)
(A gay fag)
May 23rd, 2009 at 7:54 am
fuck WHAT?!!
May 23rd, 2009 at 7:53 am
Spike Spiegel? Keanu is going to play a tall, skinny, monotone voiced guy who always has a straight face?! Outrage!
May 23rd, 2009 at 7:52 am
Not that I’m pro Keanu, but who would you rather play Jekll/Hyde?
May 23rd, 2009 at 7:45 am
Ayteesics is exactly right (including the “Oscar Please” photo comment)…;}
May 23rd, 2009 at 7:44 am
SPIEGEL? HE’LL PLAY SPIKE SPIEGEL?
WHY, GOD, WHY?
May 23rd, 2009 at 7:44 am
Keanu playing Spike Spiegel?? That news is making my life a little more depressing by the minute
May 23rd, 2009 at 7:39 am
Stop berating Keanu Reeves’ acting, please. It stopped being a good source of humor sometime in the early ’90’s, and (though he’s made a few poor films) he’s responsible for several of the best movies I know of.
May 23rd, 2009 at 7:26 am
James Nesbitt was the best Jekyll/Hyde ever. I’m insulted by the notion of him and Keanu Reeves being linked in any way.
May 23rd, 2009 at 7:25 am
” but if you settle for your usual caliber of performance, you risk offending facial paralysis victims everywhere.”
Holy fucking burn.
May 23rd, 2009 at 7:23 am
Wow. So, Keanu Reeves already shit all over “The Day the Earth Stood Still” and now they want to utterly destroy another classic film? Fuck that shit.
Also, his destroying of the character of John Constantine is really just a depressing view of what’s to come when he destroys Spike Spiegel, too.
May 23rd, 2009 at 7:19 am
Dude, it’s Smeagol/Deagol. Keep the funny coming, but learn to spell while you’re at it, ‘kay? Thanks.
May 23rd, 2009 at 7:12 am
They’re… making a live action Cowboy Bebop film?
*weeps*
And KEANU is supposed to be Spike?!
Why?! WHY?!
May 23rd, 2009 at 7:11 am
Oh Swaim, I LOVE that you love Bebop. Fuck my girlfriend, will you be my lover?
May 23rd, 2009 at 7:04 am
NO. NOT Cowboy Bebop! Fuck off! NO!
May 23rd, 2009 at 6:58 am
Holy God! He is playing THE Spike Spiegel?! I personally think that is awesome! I dunno why, he just comes off as Spike to me. Both of them are cold, both of them have dry humor. It could work. Keanu can shoot some crap! It’s awesome
May 23rd, 2009 at 6:56 am
oh jesus….
and doctorchaos, the bug statue thing is from Constantine.
May 23rd, 2009 at 6:55 am
Aaaaannnddd…. This is what’s wrong with Hollywood today.
If you want to make the best film, about the only name I can think of off the top of my head would be Gary Oldman. Seriously, he’s one of the few guys who has the chameleon-like talent to play two completely different roles in the same film and pull them both off without looking like a self indulgent douche. You know, like Edward Norton used to have. (Come back to us late 90’s Edward Norton. We miss you.)
If you don’t care at all about artistic integrity and just want to bank as much as humanly possible… Hey, Keanu’s your guy.
As for Bebop. You know they’re just going to go overboard with the ship thing and try to rewrite this thing into The Matrix part two. But with only the boring ship and her crew parts.
May 23rd, 2009 at 6:53 am
And my faith in Hollywood continues to dwindle.
May 23rd, 2009 at 6:51 am
No.. not Jekyll and Hyde…. NOT JEKYLL AND HYDE. NO!
May 23rd, 2009 at 6:48 am
What the hell movie does that figurine come from? I don’t remember Keanu being chased by giant bugs in any of his films.
May 23rd, 2009 at 6:47 am
uer all fagoots
May 23rd, 2009 at 6:47 am
They shoulda picked Patrick Stewart!
May 23rd, 2009 at 6:35 am
Don’t be so hard on Keanu! I hate how he seems to be cursed to be forever remember specifically for two movie roles. He seems to have the same problem as Will Ferrell. Its hard to see them doing anything other than what they’ve already done (like, I couldn’t imagine Will Ferrell doing a serious romantic drama). Sure, he seems to have the same “mind-easily-blown-stoner” persona in each movie he does, but I will still watch is before I start passing judgement. Regardless of my stance on the matter, I still laughed at this article, especially the picture of Keanu with the angry eyebrows and mustache. Haha, “Oscar, please”.
By the way, as far as Cowboy Bebop is concerned, don’t blame him for ruining it. Pretty much every cartoon show/videogame Hollywood turns into a live-action movie sucks regardless of who they use in it (See: Dragonball Evolution and/or any movie made by Uwe Boll).
May 23rd, 2009 at 6:34 am
Great article. Basically exactly what I was thinking; except in my mind my thoughts are less funny.
When I heard they were screwing with Bebop I immediatedly thought: um why not James Marsters aka Spike from Buffy. Another dream crushed I guess. At least Patrick Stewart got cast as Professor X.
May 23rd, 2009 at 6:33 am
damn it! im sick and tired of hollywood raping all the fictional characters i love by making shity movies out of their stories… fucking gay vampire from twilight is playing salvador dali!!!
May 23rd, 2009 at 6:26 am
By the end of this article was I deeply hating Keanu Reeves. He may be preparing us for a future filled with unexpresive robots on our everyday life, but that doesn’t justify that he’s playing Spike Spiegel.
May 23rd, 2009 at 6:24 am
Bebop will be a 20th Century Fox movie. Okay, the absolute suck makes sense now.
May 23rd, 2009 at 6:24 am
Why does Hollywood keep casting him in anything other than popcorn summer movies? Keanu is a mess. I hate him. Great article.
May 23rd, 2009 at 6:17 am
The world is comming to an end. I can sense it.
May 23rd, 2009 at 6:16 am
im actually excited to see keanu play dr. jeckyl/mr. hyde and spike..
let me back up..
i am suicidal.. i am excited to see keanu play dr. jeckyl/mr. hyde and spike
May 23rd, 2009 at 6:15 am
cowboy beebop - the anime
May 23rd, 2009 at 6:10 am
What the fuck is bebop?
May 23rd, 2009 at 5:46 am
You were kidding about Keanu playing Spike, right? It’s a comedy website and that’s a joke, right?
RIGHT?
*cries*
May 23rd, 2009 at 5:44 am
Really, Spike….. Wowwwwww………… I should really be more worried about ruining a classic tale, but don’t fuck with my Bebop.
May 23rd, 2009 at 5:40 am
what the fuck, hollywood?
Alright Keanu ill make a deal with you.U go and do jekyll and hyde…finebut YOU LEAVE BEBOP ALONE YA SUNNUVABITCH!! Agreed?
May 23rd, 2009 at 5:37 am
You are the wind beneath my wings, Michael. The wind beneath my fucking wings.
May 23rd, 2009 at 5:30 am
Aha, yes!
May 23rd, 2009 at 5:29 am
First…I think…