The Love that Dare Not Beep its Name

You’ve heard the arguments, of course—that gay marriage will lead to a moral permissiveness which will rip apart the very fabric of our society. What they fail to mention is that this slippery slope may also lead to a future filled with funky robot lovin’, according to one scientist:

“My forecast is that around 2050, Massachusetts will be the first jurisdiction to legalize marriages with robots,” researcher David Levy told LiveScience… At first, sex with robots might be considered geeky, “but once you have a story like ‘I had sex with a robot, and it was great!’ appear someplace like Cosmo magazine, I’d expect many people to jump on the bandwagon,” Levy said.

Assuming that Dr. Levy is correct—and let’s face it, if they can put a man on the moon, there’s no reason they can’t give us the infinitely more important robotic sex machines we all deserve—here are six sultry cybernetic models which I believe should be first off the assembly line:

Model: The Lisa
Inspired by: Kelly LeBrock
Build: Makes Farah Fawcett look like Pat Benatar
Hair: Brown, flowing dramatically backwards into some kind of timewarp or something
Pros: Imparts lessons about life, love, and believing in oneself to troubled teens
Cons: Sometimes visited by unpleasant martial-arts-programmed ex-husband “Seagalbot 3000″
Memorable quote: “Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, or made of titanium.”

Model: The Pris
Inspired by: Darryl Hannah
Hair: Blonde, broomlike
Build: Almost so manly it’s hard to believe we used to think she was a sex symbol
Pros: Stylish use of eye makeup, low-cost plastic wardrobe
Cons: Homicidal robot boyfriend, unhealthy relationship with “other brother Darryl”
Memorable quote: “Standard pleasure model”


Model: The Gigolo Joe
Inspired by: Jude Law
Hair: Pee-Wee meets “Ken”
Build: Like a delicate flower of manhood
Pros: Touching story of loneliness and search for humanity
Cons: He’s a dude
Memorable quote: “I think… you’re afraid of letting go. I think you’re afraid of happiness. And this is starting to excite me.” (Ed. note: If you only knew how many times we’ve heard that from pretty boys just like you.)

Model: The Data
Inspired by: Himself
Hair: Brown; keeps form in zero-G
Build: You’d never know it by looking at him, but the guy can bend steel girders like they were freakin’ pipe cleaners
Pros: Programmed in multiple techniques
Cons: Still hung up on dead blonde coworker; romantically linked to slimy semi-mechanical genocidal alien; again, a dude
Memorable quote: “I am… fully functional.”

Model: The Becky Bonaventura
Inspired by: The cutest girl in your high-school homeroom
Hair: Crimped, spritzed, and beautiful
Pros: Smells like Bubble Yum; brother can get California Coolers
Cons: Her dad’s a Robocop
Memorable quote: “Unlike the real Becky Bonaventura, I’ll never tell everyone about that time you wet your pants on the 5th-grade field trip.”

Model: The Roomba
Inspired by: All the “good times” you had with your parents’ Hoover
Hair: Whatever gets stuck in the filter
Build: Sensuous curves, like a muscular Frisbee
Pros: Can negotiate every difficult corner… of the heart
Cons: Now that I think about it—none, really
Memorable quote: “Powerful suction.”

Last 5 posts by Ian Cooper

• Ian's Unnecessary Farewell Post Roundup - January 31st, 2008
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• Ian's Unnecessary News Roundup - January 22nd, 2008
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• Ian's Unnecessary News Roundup - January 17th, 2008