Cracked Columnists

The Love that Dare Not Beep its Name

You've heard the arguments, of course---that gay marriage will lead to a moral permissiveness which will rip apart the very fabric of our society. What they fail to mention is that this slippery slope may also lead to a future filled with funky robot lovin', according to one scientist:
"My forecast is that around 2050, Massachusetts will be the first jurisdiction to legalize marriages with robots," researcher David Levy told LiveScience... At first, sex with robots might be considered geeky, "but once you have a story like 'I had sex with a robot, and it was great!' appear someplace like Cosmo magazine, I'd expect many people to jump on the bandwagon," Levy said.

Assuming that Dr. Levy is correct---and let's face it, if they can put a man on the moon, there's no reason they can't give us the infinitely more important robotic sex machines we all deserve---here are six sultry cybernetic models which I believe should be first off the assembly line:

kellyl1.gif

Model: The Lisa

Inspired by: Kelly LeBrock

Build: Makes Farah Fawcett look like Pat Benatar

Hair: Brown, flowing dramatically backwards into some kind of timewarp or something

Pros: Imparts lessons about life, love, and believing in oneself to troubled teens

Cons: Sometimes visited by unpleasant martial arts-programmed ex-husband "Seagalbot 3000"

Memorable quote: "Don't hate me because I'm beautiful, or made of titanium."

pris1.gif

Model: The Pris

Inspired by: Darryl Hannah

Hair: Blonde, broomlike

Build: Almost so manly it's hard to believe we used to think she was a sex symbol

Pros: Stylish use of eye makeup, low-cost plastic wardrobe

Cons: Homicidal robot boyfriend, unhealthy relationship with "other brother Darryl"

Memorable quote: "Standard pleasure model" jude1.gif

Model: The Gigolo Joe

Inspired by: Jude Law

Hair: Pee-Wee meets "Ken"

Build: Like a delicate flower of manhood

Pros: Touching story of loneliness and search for humanity

Cons: He's a dude

Memorable quote: "I think... you're afraid of letting go. I think you're afraid of happiness. And this is starting to excite me." (Ed. note: If you only knew how many times we've heard that from pretty boys just like you.)

data1.gif

Model: The Data

Inspired by: Himself

Hair: Brown; keeps form in zero-G

Build: You'd never know it by looking at him, but the guy can bend steel girders like they were freakin' pipe cleaners

Pros: Programmed in multiple techniques

Cons: Still hung up on dead blonde coworker; romantically linked to slimy semi-mechanical genocidal alien; again, a dude

Memorable quote: "I am... fully functional."

bonaventura1.gif

Model: The Becky Bonaventura

Inspired by: The cutest girl in your high-school homeroom

Hair: Crimped, spritzed, and beautiful

Pros: Smells like Bubble Yum; brother can get California Coolers

Cons: Her dad's a Robocop

Memorable quote: "Unlike the real Becky Bonaventura, I'll never tell everyone about that time you wet your pants on the 5th-grade field trip."

roomb1.gif

Model: The Roomba

Inspired by: All the "good times" you had with your parents' Hoover

Hair: Whatever gets stuck in the filter

Build: Sensuous curves, like a muscular Frisbee

Pros: Can negotiate every difficult corner... of the heart

Cons: Now that I think about it---none, really

Memorable quote: "Powerful suction."

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