If you've visited digg.com at any point over the past two weeks, you've probably seen a ton of articles about Sarah Palin. Various scandals she may be involved in. Various scandals she someday will be involved in. Hilarious Daily Show clips describing her laughable inadequacy as a candidate. Still, one issue has been tragically absent from all of these articles, so I'm gonna go ahead and be brave and say what everyone else is thinking but is too afraid to say:
I want to see Sarah Palin naked. Without any of her clothes on.
It's true. I really want to. Now, some of the media lackeys and political spin wizards out there are going to try to confuse and obfuscate this issue –they want you to think that seeing John McCain's shockingly foxy wife nude is the most important point our nation should be dealing with right now—and I am saying to you right here and right now: do not be sucked in. Even some of our country's leading political analysts, like my esteemed colleague Professor Swaim, will try to assure you that a comparative look at the various fighting styles of the Vice Presidential hopefuls is what this election is really about. The good Professor, while well-intentioned, is just a little bit retarded. This election is about one thing and one thing only:
How bad I want to see Sarah Palin naked.
[To clarify, "very."]
I mean, I've looked at some of the other issues, let's be honest, here:
Gas Crisis? More like ass crisis, right?
War in Iraq? More like war in your rack, right?
Constantly decreasing social security? More like take your pants off, right?
She's not even the hottest lady ever. Granted, she definitely has a Tina Fey meets Susan Lucci thing going on, but she won't stop traffic.
I don't know if it's the librarian glasses or the fact that she's kind of a bitch, but the bottom line is, I haven't been this curious to see what a Vice Presidential hopeful looked like naked since Spiro Agnew.
Not in a sexual way or anything. Just really curious.
We've got an election coming up, evidently, (I know, right? I thought we just had an election.), and, as is his custom, Anderson Cooper called me up to ask me who I was voting for.
What could I tell him? How could I possibly make that decision without seeing Sarah Palin naked? How can anyone make this decision? And she's from Alaska?! Unless someone from my past has lied to me, I don't think I've ever even seen an Alaskan chick naked. Do they look like normal naked chicks, or are they more like centaurs? The possibility of centaur-themed genitalia weighs heavily on my decision, and my vote cannot be made until this issue is resolved.
Governor Palin, presumably, has tons of thoughts on various issues that may impact other people's decisions. For example, on November 3rd, 2006, she said:
"Alaska's small business owners are the backbone of our regional economies. Small Alaskan-owned businesses should have just as much say in state policy as the big companies do. Our precious businesses are major employers of Alaskans and keep Alaska's money circulating through our economy. As Mayor and CEO of the booming city of Wasilla, my team invited investment and encouraged business growth by eliminating small business inventory taxes, eliminated personal property taxes, reduced real property tax mill levies every year I was in office, reduced fees, and built the infrastructure our businesses needed to grow and prosper. "
Whoa! Save the words for the birds, Buddy! I want to take a bath with you!
At the behest of Anderson Cooper, I decided to check out her speech last Wednesday at the Republican National Convention. She was, I must admit, an excellent speaker (or whatever), but she raised some troubling issues. For instance, she mentioned that her "husband" Todd, was a proud member of the United Steelworker's Union as well as a World Champion Snow Machine Racer. Now, I have neither the time nor the desire to demean myself by looking up what a snow machine racer is, (it sounds retarded), but I'm pretty sure it doesn't mean he can do more sit ups than I can. By this reasoning, I cannot fathom why she would waste time having/raising children with him when she could be dedicating herself to more noble pursuits like, off the top of my head, taking off all of her clothes and eating gummi snacks with me.
Also, speaking of children, have you folks heard what she named all of her stupid kids? What the hell? "Bristol?" You named a kid "Bristol?" And "Track?" Come on. Quit being such a bitch. Ooh, and your youngest, you called him "Trig?" As in...onometry? Bullshit.
Still, if you want to take all of your clothes off and do some dancing in my apartment, I will not let the ridiculousness of those names influence my vote in anyway. I will focus only on the facts. (Your boobs, etc.) And I'm not even saying I want to have dirty, filthy sex with you, (though, I'm pretty sure that's where we both think this is going). I'm just saying I want to see you naked. Maybe take a bath with you, is all. If you would like to take this further, I can personally guarantee you a delicious, home-cooked meal followed by up to eleven seconds of aggressive lovemaking. (Having sex with me is like a fight with Tyson in his prime: It won't last that long, but afterwards you'll be unconscious.)
It's actually a lot like this.
So there it is, Governor Palin. And it's not just me who wants to see you naked. Remember, I'm merely the vessel through which the questions and concerns of the American People flows. I can't help it if I'm the only one man enough to ask the hard-hitting questions this election season.
So, come on. Let's get naked for America.