The Issue Sarah Palin Must Address: I Want to See Her Naked
If you've visited digg.com at any point over the past two weeks, you've probably seen a ton of articles about Sarah Palin. Various scandals she may be involved in. Various scandals she someday will be involved in. Hilarious Daily Show clips describing her laughable inadequacy as a candidate. Still, one issue has been tragically absent from all of these articles, so I'm gonna go ahead and be brave and say what everyone else is thinking but is too afraid to say:
I want to see Sarah Palin naked. Without any of her clothes on.
It's true. I really want to. Now, some of the media lackeys and political spin wizards out there are going to try to confuse and obfuscate this issue they want you to think that seeing John McCain's shockingly foxy wife nude is the most important point our nation should be dealing with right nowand I am saying to you right here and right now: do not be sucked in. Even some of our country's leading political analysts, like my esteemed colleague Professor Swaim, will try to assure you that a comparative look at the various fighting styles of the Vice Presidential hopefuls is what this election is really about. The good Professor, while well-intentioned, is just a little bit retarded. This election is about one thing and one thing only:
How bad I want to see Sarah Palin naked.
[To clarify, "very."]
I mean, I've looked at some of the other issues, let's be honest, here:
Gas Crisis? More like ass crisis, right?
War in Iraq? More like war in your rack, right?
Constantly decreasing social security? More like take your pants off, right?
She's not even the hottest lady ever. Granted, she definitely has a Tina Fey meets Susan Lucci thing going on, but she won't stop traffic.
I don't know if it's the librarian glasses or the fact that she's kind of a bitch, but the bottom line is, I haven't been this curious to see what a Vice Presidential hopeful looked like naked since Spiro Agnew.
Not in a sexual way or anything. Just really curious.
We've got an election coming up, evidently, (I know, right? I thought we just had an election.), and, as is his custom, Anderson Cooper called me up to ask me who I was voting for.
What could I tell him? How could I possibly make that decision without seeing Sarah Palin naked? How can anyone make this decision? And she's from Alaska?! Unless someone from my past has lied to me, I don't think I've ever even seen an Alaskan chick naked. Do they look like normal naked chicks, or are they more like centaurs? The possibility of centaur-themed genitalia weighs heavily on my decision, and my vote cannot be made until this issue is resolved.
Governor Palin, presumably, has tons of thoughts on various issues that may impact other people's decisions. For example, on November 3rd, 2006, she said:
"Alaska's small business owners are the backbone of our regional economies. Small Alaskan-owned businesses should have just as much say in state policy as the big companies do. Our precious businesses are major employers of Alaskans and keep Alaska's money circulating through our economy. As Mayor and CEO of the booming city of Wasilla, my team invited investment and encouraged business growth by eliminating small business inventory taxes, eliminated personal property taxes, reduced real property tax mill levies every year I was in office, reduced fees, and built the infrastructure our businesses needed to grow and prosper. "
Whoa! Save the words for the birds, Buddy! I want to take a bath with you!
At the behest of Anderson Cooper, I decided to check out her speech last Wednesday at the Republican National Convention. She was, I must admit, an excellent speaker (or whatever), but she raised some troubling issues. For instance, she mentioned that her "husband" Todd, was a proud member of the United Steelworker's Union as well as a World Champion Snow Machine Racer. Now, I have neither the time nor the desire to demean myself by looking up what a snow machine racer is, (it sounds retarded), but I'm pretty sure it doesn't mean he can do more sit ups than I can. By this reasoning, I cannot fathom why she would waste time having/raising children with him when she could be dedicating herself to more noble pursuits like, off the top of my head, taking off all of her clothes and eating gummi snacks with me.
Mmmmm...
Also, speaking of children, have you folks heard what she named all of her stupid kids? What the hell? "Bristol?" You named a kid "Bristol?" And "Track?" Come on. Quit being such a bitch. Ooh, and your youngest, you called him "Trig?" As in...onometry? Bullshit.
Still, if you want to take all of your clothes off and do some dancing in my apartment, I will not let the ridiculousness of those names influence my vote in anyway. I will focus only on the facts. (Your boobs, etc.) And I'm not even saying I want to have dirty, filthy sex with you, (though, I'm pretty sure that's where we both think this is going). I'm just saying I want to see you naked. Maybe take a bath with you, is all. If you would like to take this further, I can personally guarantee you a delicious, home-cooked meal followed by up to eleven seconds of aggressive lovemaking. (Having sex with me is like a fight with Tyson in his prime: It won't last that long, but afterwards you'll be unconscious.)
It's actually a lot like this.
So there it is, Governor Palin. And it's not just me who wants to see you naked. Remember, I'm merely the vessel through which the questions and concerns of the American People flows. I can't help it if I'm the only one man enough to ask the hard-hitting questions this election season.
So, come on. Let's get naked for America.
To all the Palin haters: I'm willing to bet that I can't get 10 of you to tell me why SPECIFICALLY you think Sarah Palin is so awful.
Reply Hide All See All 18 RepliesSeriously. Do it. WITHOUT using google.
Obviously I will never know if you did or didn't use google, but YOU will and deep down you will know you failed.
She has a TV show on TLC. Did not use Google.
She's borderline retarded and almost got the second highest position in the country where she very likely would have outlived her one boss. Does she even know what a vice president *does*?
She didn't get naked. Case Closed
She actually believes in the theory of evolution. As in, she thinks dinosaurs were walking around the world 5,000 years ago. This shows an ability to disregard facts that is, frankly, astonishing and not altogether becoming in a future president. Did not use google.
she wanted to build a bridge to nowhere so she could get a tax break
She uses twitter. Did not use google. Did use Daily Show.
She's a complete gibbering moron? Didn't use google
Remember when she gave those fat kids cookies and said "don't listen to michelle obama. vegetables are for f*gs and the french."? HAHAHA. DIABETES AND KIDS FAILING! She's not a b***h at all!
She was unprepared in the campaign. She wouldn't pay attention during her prep sessions when people TRIED TO TEACH HER the stuff she needed to know. She was an absolute moron in every way, shape, and form. She quit the Governorship for "the good of the people." Keep in mind that she has no national political experience, and quit her only job that would've got her that experience.
Sarah Palin vs. Michelle Obama in a mud wrestling match would be super hot. But I'm sure Palin knows she would lose and that is why she hasn't responded to my letters and phone calls.
Huh, turns out the internet can do something other than DDOS attacks. Anyways, just to make sure the coffin has enough nails.
She condemned Canada's seal hunt. Seriously. An Alaskan condemning a seal hunt is like PETA holding a furrie orgy.
She was stupid enough to blatantly lie during the campaign about signing off on, and cooperating in the "bridge to nowhere" project, which wasted millions of Alaskan tax dollars. Yet she did, and there are even pics of her wearing the silly shirts they made to commemorate the project.
She tried banning books, in america.
How about this: she is completely CLUELESS about anything that a Vice President (let alone President) should know anything about. I know Jr. High kids with a better grasp of foreign relations than she has, and at least when they are caught in a lie they're semi-plausible lies. Palin is almost as insipid as Dan Quayle, who was a VERY SCARY person to be "one heartbeat away" from the Oval Office! Seriously, kid, do your homework. A pretty face doth not a potential President make!
The epic fails of the men emasculated by Palin produce vast quantities of laughter.
The epic fails of women who can't measure up to Palin's total awesomeness, being a mother of five AND having an amazing career at the same time, also fills me with laughter.
Notes: I'm Jewish, I believe in evolution, I'm almost an anarchist, and I think the modern liberal is nothing more than a joke from G-d.
the only commenter on here that likes palin is a anarchist
did not use google... up urs alaska
She ATE My MOTHER!!
Palin was the only candidate with executive experience. She had spent time as a governor. She's a good speaker, and she knows her crowd and caters to it. Obama was arguably the least experienced candidate. He voted "present" for a shit-ton of the decisions of Congress, and everything he did vote on was as far left as possible (which isn't bad because it's left, but because it's so extreme left).
I want to see her naked only because she has literally no other redeeming qualities. I mean, I think if anyone had to choose between seeing her and hillary clinton naked, we'd pick Palin.
ReplyIf I had to pick between seeing Hillary Clinton or Michael Moore naked I'd pick the latter. That's just not a fair comparison at all.
Dude your are so FRICKIN HILLAROIUS!!!! I'll be laughing out loud thinking about this article for at least a WEEK!!!! Pure COMEDY GOLD! I Wish i had read it in September of 08!
ReplyI would love her to give me head and then id fuck her better than ever her husband id fuck her so hard she came back for more
ReplyThe fact that you think a girl coming back for seconds is remarkable is really telling of your sexual prowess.
I would like to see Sarah Palin naked. I think she should show us what she looks like with no clothes on.
Reply"Having sex with me is like a fight with Tyson in his prime: It won’t last that long, but afterwards you’ll be unconscious."
ReplyBrilliant. Great article.
So, come on. Let’s get naked for America.
Reply-brilliance.
she is like 50 ooooo
Replyhaha laughed so hard at the centor bit.
Replyi want to send e,mail to sarah paline .plz give me her e,mail address or cell #
ReplyShe went to 6 different colleges. Take that as you wish.
ReplySarah Palin would've been the downfall of Western civilization
ReplyWestern Civilization will fall with or without her. It might take a few years longer but it will. We are a weak people ruled by weak leaders.
Very informative website. Thank you master! Best regards.
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helo iwant see u nukedsharahpalin
ReplyI want to do her, but I will be happy with a naked shot of her. I picture her laying on a bear skin rug that she shot herself in very seductive poses.
Reply