The iPhone Service Provider Debate Is Getting Weird

Earlier this week it was announced that, for the first time ever, the iPhone would be supported by a network other than AT&T - specifically Verizon. And as you would expect from two Fortune 500, global mega-corporations, they proceeded to bad-mouth each other like two 16-year-old school girls fighting over the same guy. AT&T spokesman, Mark Siegel, released a company statement declaring "I'm not sure iPhone users are ready for life in the slow lane." A vicious barb deftly countered by Verizon spokesman, Jeffrey Nelson, who scoffed, "It must be backwards day at AT&T." No, really. Backwards day.

In any event, having something of a reputation as a moderator, wise in the ways of hatred, I was contacted by both companies to meet with two new spokesmen for a joint interview. Both parties agreed to answer any and all questions, with an eye towards civility and fair play. Here is what followed:

GLADSTONE

Good morning, gentlemen. Thank you for joining me today. First, some introductions. Spokesman from Verizon, please identify yourself.

VERIZON

Good morning, Gladstone. I'm Anthony Thomas Anteesux. But please just call me A.T.Anteesux.

GLADSTONE

Very well, Mr. A.T. Antee.. oh. I see. You're having fun with words. Tell you what ---

AT&T

Hey, Gladstone! Call me Mr. Verizonsux... a lot!

GLADSTONE

Mr. Verizonsuxalot? Really? Never mind. I'm just calling you both by the corporations you represent. So, first question. Why all the trash talk? Won't the market decide fairly quickly who is the superior provider?

VERIZON

I'd like to field that one, Gladstone. You're exactly right. For years now, AT&T has had a stranglehold on iPhone consumers. Now those consumers will be offered a choice. Do they want to go with a company known for quality and customer service or do they want to give their money to a company that powers its 4G network on unicorn's blood?

AT&T

That is an outright lie. I'm fairly certain that if you check our annual statements, you'll see that use of unicorn blood was almost completely eliminated from production by the second quarter of last year. But, see, that's the kind of misinformation consumers have come to expect from Verizon. And honestly, it's not Verizon's fault. It is just very difficult to deliver accurate public statements when 80% of your day is devoted to servicing sailor cock at the various docks and back alleys throughout this great nation of ours.

GLADSTONE

Whoa!!! Seriously, AT&T. Aside from being unprofessional, that just smacks of homophobia in a way that's completely unacceptable.

AT&T

Please. I think you misunderstand. It is not the policy or practice of AT&T to be homophobic or discriminate against gays in any way. For clarity, I wasn't insinuating that the Verizon corporation was gay. I'm simply stating they spend a tremendous amount of time fellating men, for purely heterosexual financial gain.

GLADSTONE

I respect your gangsta, AT&T, but that's enough. So, Verizon, this question is for you. Does Verizon fear that its service will suffer if it suddenly gains a million new customers in a week?

VERIZON

Before I respond to that Gladstone, may I ask is this interview being videotaped or just transcribed in writing?

GLADSTONE

Just a written article, why?

VERIZON

Oh, because I must apologize, but I just simply couldn't hear your question over the sound of AT&T's obscene ass-ripping. Seriously, I don't know how you can stand it. I can't hear a thing. It sounds like a helicopter crash-landing into that Willy Wonka chocolate river. Specifically, the chocolate river from the Tim Burton version... where it's thicker. Hey, AT&T, does any part of your digestive tract work, or are you just, y'know, passing your last burrito whole in fits and starts?

GLADSTONE

Now listen up, Verizon. I enjoy a good fart joke as much as the next guy, but - good lord, AT&T, seriously what did you eat?

AT&T

How dare you, I --

GLADSTONE

Yeah, yeah., I'm just messing with you AT&T. So how do you respond to the fact that Verizon typically ranks higher in customer satisfaction than AT&T?

AT&T

Well, it's all relevant, Gladstone. There may be some truth to that rumor that the AT&T network runs slower, but that's only because it's so popular. We're simply accommodating more consumers. Whereas, the Verizon network is a just a handful of pedophiles delighted they can download their illegal German porn in mere seconds.

GLADSTONE

Verizon? Rebuttal? Not to the cheap pedophile joke, but the point about your reliability taking a nose dive. And no fart jokes now. We need an answer.

VERIZON

OK, you got me. That could happen. Who knows? The important part is that Verizon shows an additional billion dollar in profits before we even get to that point. One thing at a time. Hitler didn't write Mein Kampf overnight. It had to be painstakingly edited by the majority shareholders of AT&T over a series of weeks. Isn't that right, AT&T?

AT&T

Your mom's a whore, Verizon.

VERIZON

I know. That's why I'm dead inside.

AT&T

Hey, me too! But I thought it was the job. Y'know, spreading misinformation all day...

VERIZON

Nah, that's just the symptom, not the cause. I'm totally guessing your mom was a whore too who failed to instill even a modicum of self-respect or decency.

AT&T

Now, that you mention it...

GLADSTONE

OK. Well, then. Seems we've found some common ground. I'll let you gentleman explore that on your own, while I try to kill the memory of you with scotch or paint thinner if necessary.