Greenpeace has launched its equivalent of an all-out assault—a nicely worded note sent with a bouquet of hydroponically grown roses—on Apple computers for failing to make the iPhone free of environmental toxins. Turns out the phones contain PVC, BFR, and untold amounts of other deadly acronyms. They even made a nifty video to show you the dark, evil inner workings of that little mass of concentrated cancer you’re holding.
Specifically, Greenpeace representatives have said that the company is irresponsible for failing to provide a cell phone buyback program like environmental all stars Nokia, Motorolla and Sony-Ericsson, and for releasing products that are “toxic to reproduction” and can “interfere in the sexual reproduction of mammals.” So you should probably stop rubbing the iPhone on your genitals, hard as that may be.
I was particularly concerned about this news since a friend of mine just purchased an iPhone, and I naturally feared for his junk. Fortunately, after some research into what “toxic to reproduction” means exactly, I discovered that the compounds in the iPhone are only harmful to the development and fertility of mammals. So if you’re a full grown man with no plans for kids, load up some photos of your favorite celebrity and rub away.
But by the same token, you’re not going to want to rub your iPhone on, say, your kids’ genitals, although if you’re doing that, you’ve got much bigger problems to worry about. You also wouldn’t want to put the iPhone near a fetus, which is almost certainly going to hurt the sales of Apple’s proposed iSonogram plugin.
In the meantime, Greenpeace continues to pressure Apple to make environmentally responsible decisions with pun-laden rhetoric like “time will tell if Jobs’ promises of a greener Apple will bear any fruit,” and Apple continues to make billions of dollars. Jobs promises that Apple will “soon be ahead of most of its competitors” in regard to being environmentally friendly, which is the equivalent of saying “sure, sure, we’ll get to it. Well, most of it. Probably. Unless The Office is on.”
By the way, if you happen to be reading this post on an iPhone that’s situated near your genitals: How ironic is THAT?!
This entry was posted on Wednesday, October 17th, 2007 at 8:00 am and is filed under Apple, Greenpeace, iPhone. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
How I Spent My Summer Vacation, By Michael Swaim (Age 24)
The Funniest Comedic Failure in the History of YouTube
Hollywood Gives Up: Keanu Reeves to Play Dr. Jeckyl/Mr. Hyde
The 5 Most Likely Ways Humans Will Become Obsolete
You’re Almost Definitely Reading This on an iPhone
Apple’s Got Your Back, Fatass
Does Apple Thinks Its Shit Don’t Stink? The Daily Nooner (EST)!
The 6 Most Underwhelming Moments from the iPhone 3G Debut
The New iPod Shuffle Will Make Your Penis Look Huge
Copyright © 2005 - 2009 Cracked Entertainment, Inc. All rights reserved. CRACKED, CRACKED.COM and the "CRACKED" logo are trademarks owned by Cracked Entertainment, Inc. All rights reserved.
October 1st, 2009 at 9:38 am
Sign: fxnmz Hello!!! wpeha and 8779zabuddggkw and 3262 : I will try to recommend this post to my friends and family, cuz its really helpful.
September 11th, 2009 at 7:43 am
Sign: umsun Hello!!! rcuwwymhyw and 2075ssgfhphzye and 2922I like your blog. cool post!
September 10th, 2009 at 8:15 am
I love your site.
Love design!!! I just came across your blog and wanted to say that I
September 10th, 2009 at 5:11 am
Hi! I was surfing and found your blog post… nice! I love your blog.
Cheers! Sandra. R.
April 8th, 2009 at 2:51 pm
After reading this article, I feel that I need more information on the topic. Can you share some resources ?
March 17th, 2009 at 12:25 pm
Day 4: The men have run off, leaving me and the cabin boy to continue on alone. They have most of the supplies, but I managed to kill several of them, which was awesome.
February 22nd, 2009 at 7:28 pm
I will admit to nothing concerning iphone-rubbing goodness.
February 4th, 2009 at 8:24 pm
I wonder what ‘true’ thinks of Obama’s economic stimulus package. Anyhow, tangents aside, interesting article. I never knew that personal communication devices could assist in contraception. Pro-life and pro-choice supporters everywhere could be happy about this one; except for catholics.
December 11th, 2008 at 9:37 am
And then I wont read that, instead.
December 11th, 2008 at 9:36 am
True, I am not even reading that essay. If you wanna write a diatribe get your own blog.
June 12th, 2008 at 2:05 pm
that may be true, true but that dont mean that you have to clog up the forum.
February 26th, 2008 at 6:04 pm
Don’t believe one optimistic word from any public figure about the economy or humanity in general. They are all part of the problem. Its like a game of Monopoly. In America, the richest 1% now hold 1/2 OF ALL UNITED STATES WEALTH. Unlike ‘lesser’ estimates, this includes all stocks, bonds, cash, and material assets held by America’s richest 1%. Even that filthy pig Oprah acknowledged that it was at about 50% in 2006. Naturally, she put her own ‘humanitarian’ spin on it. Calling attention to her own ‘good will’. WHAT A DISGUSTING HYPOCRITE SLOB. THE RICHEST 1% HAVE LITERALLY MADE WORLD PROSPERITY ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE. Don’t fall for all of their ‘humanitarian’ CRAP. ITS A SHAM. THESE PEOPLE ARE CAUSING THE SAME PROBLEMS THEY PRETEND TO CARE ABOUT. Ask any professor of economics. Money does not grow on trees. The government can’t just print up more on a whim. At any given time, there is a relative limit to the wealth within ANY economy of ANY size. So when too much wealth accumulates at the top, the middle class slip further into debt and the lower class further into poverty. A similar rule applies worldwide. The world’s richest 1% now own over 40% of ALL WORLD WEALTH. This is EVEN AFTER you account for all of this ‘good will’ ‘humanitarian’ BS from celebrities and executives. ITS A SHAM. As they get richer and richer, less wealth is left circulating beneath them. This is the single greatest underlying cause for the current US recession. The middle class can no longer afford to sustain their share of the economy. Their wealth has been gradually transfered to the richest 1%. One way or another, we suffer because of their incredible greed. We are talking about TRILLIONS of dollars. Transfered FROM US TO THEM. Over a period of about 27 years. Thats Reaganomics for you. The wealth does not ‘trickle down’ as we were told it would. It just accumulates at the top. Shrinking the middle class and expanding the lower class. Causing a domino effect of socio-economic problems. But the rich will never stop. They will never settle for a reasonable share of ANYTHING. They will do whatever it takes to get even richer. Leaving even less of the pie for the other 99% of us to share. At the same time, they throw back a few tax deductable crumbs and call themselves ‘humanitarians’. IT CAN’T WORK THIS WAY. This is going to end just like a game of Monopoly. The current US recession will drag on for years and lead into the worst US depression of all time. The richest 1% will live like royalty while the rest of us fight over jobs, food, and gasoline. Crime, poverty, and suicide will skyrocket. So don’t fall for all of this PR CRAP from Hollywood, Pro Sports, and Wall Street PIGS. ITS A SHAM. Remember: They are filthy rich EVEN AFTER their tax deductable contributions. Greedy pigs. Now, we are headed for the worst economic and cultural crisis of all time. SEND A “THANK YOU” NOTE TO YOUR FAVORITE MILLIONAIRE. ITS THEIR FAULT. I’m not discounting other factors like China, sub-prime, or gas prices. But all of those factors combined still pale in comparison to that HUGE transfer of wealth to the rich. Anyway, those other factors are all related and further aggrivated because of GREED. If it weren’t for the OBSCENE distribution of wealth within our country, there never would have been such a market for sub-prime to begin with. Which by the way, was another trick whipped up by greedy bankers and executives. IT MAKES THEM RICHER. The credit industry has been ENDORSED by people like Oprah, Ellen, Dr Phil, and many other celebrities. IT MAKES THEM RICHER. So don’t fall for their ‘humanitarian’ BS. ITS A SHAM. NOTHING BUT TAX DEDUCTABLE PR CRAP. Bottom line: The richest 1% will soon tank the largest economy in the world. It will be like nothing we’ve ever seen before. and thats just the beginning. Greed will eventually tank every major economy in the world. Causing millions to suffer and die. Oprah, Angelina, Brad, Bono, and Bill are not part of the solution. They are part of the problem. EXTREME WEALTH HAS MADE WORLD PROSPERITY ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE. WITHOUT WORLD PROSPERITY, THERE WILL NEVER BE WORLD PEACE OR ANYTHING EVEN CLOSE. GREED KILLS. IT WILL BE OUR DOWNFALL. Of course, the rich will throw a fit and call me a madman. Of course, their ignorant fans will do the same. You have to expect that. But I speak the truth. If you don’t believe me, then copy this entry and run it by any professor of economics or socio-economics. Then tell a friend. Call the local radio station. Re-post this entry or put it in your own words. Be one of the first to predict the worst economic and cultural crisis of all time and explain its cause. WE ARE IN BIG TROUBLE.
October 17th, 2007 at 9:22 pm
I always knew you’d get Stockholm syndrome.
October 17th, 2007 at 4:56 pm
You know, I used to hate the fact that Nav posted the same insult on all of my articles, but now I feel like if he died tomorrow, that’s what I’d miss the most.
October 17th, 2007 at 4:48 pm
“time will tell if Jobs’ promises of a greener Apple will bear any fruit,”
pretty good my friend. Who is this navigator guy? He says the same thing on all of your posts and that one thing is neither clever now enlightening. It would give weight to my new theory that Navigator2001Plus is a lab rat with a brain upwards of three times what is normal. I know it. I used science.
By the way, my junk is working perfectly well since I got my iphone. Fear not.
October 17th, 2007 at 11:27 am
I am terrified of everything. Thanks, Greenpeace!
October 17th, 2007 at 9:11 am
I don’t like you or your opinions, and etc.