Greenpeace has launched its equivalent of an all-out assault—a nicely worded note sent with a bouquet of hydroponically grown roses—on Apple computers for failing to make the iPhone free of environmental toxins. Turns out the phones contain PVC, BFR, and untold amounts of other deadly acronyms. They even made a nifty video to show you the dark, evil inner workings of that little mass of concentrated cancer you’re holding. Specifically, Greenpeace representatives have said that the company is irresponsible for failing to provide a cell phone buyback program like environmental all stars Nokia, Motorolla and Sony-Ericsson, and for releasing products that are “toxic to reproduction” and can “interfere in the sexual reproduction of mammals.” So you should probably stop rubbing the iPhone on your genitals, hard as that may be. I was particularly concerned about this news since a friend of mine just purchased an iPhone, and I naturally feared for his junk. Fortunately, after some research into what “toxic to reproduction” means exactly, I discovered that the compounds in the iPhone are only harmful to the development and fertility of mammals. So if you’re a full grown man with no plans for kids, load up some photos of your favorite celebrity and rub away. But by the same token, you’re not going to want to rub your iPhone on, say, your kids’ genitals, although if you’re doing that, you’ve got much bigger problems to worry about. You also wouldn’t want to put the iPhone near a fetus, which is almost certainly going to hurt the sales of Apple’s proposed iSonogram plugin. In the meantime, Greenpeace continues to pressure Apple to make environmentally responsible decisions with pun-laden rhetoric like “time will tell if Jobs’ promises of a greener Apple will bear any fruit,” and Apple continues to make billions of dollars. Jobs promises that Apple will “soon be ahead of most of its competitors” in regard to being environmentally friendly, which is the equivalent of saying “sure, sure, we’ll get to it. Well, most of it. Probably. Unless The Office is on.” By the way, if you happen to be reading this post on an iPhone that’s situated near your genitals: How ironic is THAT?!