Hey, guess what? I actually read a book! You know, those things that are like really long Cracked articles but with like 80 percent less pictures of titties? Well I tried one of those, and it was pretty good. In fact, it was fantastic! You may have even heard of it. It’s called the Holy Bible. But while this book may indeed be the greatest story ever told, I looked around for a bit and I couldn’t find a single review of it. Not one! That’s just criminal. This book deserves way more attention than it’s apparently getting, so while I may not have any of the credentials of a professional book critic–much less the education, comprehension, vocabulary or moral equilibrium–I’m going to write up a quick review anyway.
The Holy Bible: A Book Review
“First God made heaven & earth. The earth was without form and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep; and the Spirit of God was moving over the face of the waters. And God said, “Let there be light”; and there was light.”
With possibly one of the strongest opening lines in history, the Holy Bible really starts off swinging. Here we’re not only introduced to the main character, named God, but are also informed that he’s some sort of magical being (whether that’s a vampire or a wizard or something, we don’t know yet–we just know he can fly and shoot laser beams). The prose in this section is simply top notch, and you’ll find that the action, atmosphere and language of the Holy Bible are carried off with a master’s touch. But accompanying this impressive show of skill is also one of the book’s greatest flaws: Verbosity. One of the first things they teach you in any writer’s workshop is that every word in a novel should be integral to the story; never leave anything in that doesn’t absolutely need to be there. So, while we as readers start the book all sweeping through demons and darkness like Ronnie James Dio–rocking out and firing lightbeams and building people out of dirt–it all quickly gets bogged down in unnecessary detail.
As readers we’re enthralled by the mystic action; wondering exactly what kind of creature this God is, why he has these powers and what on earth he’s going to do with them, and then all of a sudden we’re pulled out of the action and forced to sit idly while the author describes an entire week (day by day) in God’s life. I mean, that’s great and all that we’re getting some backstory on his character, but honestly, what happened with paragliding through Hell? I don’t really care what your Wednesdays are like, or on which days you like to rest–get back to the action! Jesus, if we wanted to hear about your day, we would read your fucking LiveJournal, almighty.
“I think I look kinda fat here lol” -God
Due to the presence of these tangents, a lot of readers won’t stick around for the meat of the story, and that would certainly be a shame because once it gets going, it really is one of the most exciting reads around (just to give you an idea of how good it is, the book has apparently gathered such an intense fanbase that some people give it away for free on the streets!). The first half of the book, called the Old Testament, is really more about getting a feel for the setting than it is advancing the story. During this time we get a glimpse of God’s troubled past and are witness to a few key events that really allow the depth of the character to shine through (he’s kind of a dark anti-hero; quick tempered and sometimes spiteful–but much like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman, he actually has a heart of gold deep down).
The author takes this set-up time to explore the world thoroughly. But while even supporting characters are given their moment to shine, sometimes that gets distracting. For example, during Moses’ adventures, we come to relate to him as a troubled sort of everyman. Sure, he was adopted by royalty, but he never really became complacent. He saw the mistreatment and suffering of the people around him, and he was moved into taking action. All good so far, right? It’s kind of like Footloose or a Bruce Springsteen song: It’s all about the plight of the working man. (And honestly, who exemplifies the working man more than slaves? All they do is work!)
Pictured: Moses (essentially.)
It’s a simple little story of class conflict and redemption, and then, almost without warning, everything suddenly gets magical: Oceans are parted, flaming shrubbery starts yelling at dudes and, in what is one of many disturbingly phallic metaphors littered throughout the book, Moses and the Pharaoh’s magicians start slinging about their “snakes” and “staffs” to see whose is bigger. It’s all quite exciting and imaginative, but it feels kind of like a bait and switch: We came into Moses’ story reading The Grapes of Wrath, then wham! Moses finds out he’s a Jew and shit goes totally Harry Potter.
In all fairness, the Jews are a notoriously magical people.
After what seems like 400 years, the Holy Bible finally finishes the setup phase and launches us into the main tale, where we meet our central character for the first time… even though it’s still God. Sort of. It gets a little confusing, frankly: Our protagonist, God, is somehow also a character named Jesus Christ, who is the son of God and… listen, it’s never quite clear what the genealogy is, or how God is his own son or anything (and what’s up with the ghost?) but a lot of the set-up just has to be taken on faith. Now, the character of Jesus may not be the most original creation (he’s kind of amalgam of three other prominent protagonists: The “awakened man” complex, like Neo from the Matrix; a bit of Superman’s down home heroics; and an oddly compelling dash of Timothy Leary’s “freaking out the squares” mentality) but he’s oddly endearing nonetheless.
Pictured: Jesus H. Christ and his “Apostles of Funk.”
And it’s a good thing Jesus is such a likable protagonist, because his cast of supporting characters seems utterly disposable at times. No sooner are you introduced to an intriguing new character than the author brutally murders them in some bizarre fashion, for no real reason and often with little to no impact on the story itself. The character of John the Baptist, for example, was a personal favorite of mine. He read like a kind of gruff bearish figure (I mentally cast him as John Goodman) and his presence lent the book an almost whimsical twist. But just as I was getting attached to him, the author has him beheaded almost as a footnote!
This is all we John the Baptist fans get for a death scene: “And he sent, and beheaded John in the prison.”
One sentence!
The Holy Bible kills off supporting characters like horror movies kill black people. Listen, I know that was kind of a spoiler, but it’s quite hard to review a book like this without spoiling something: The plot twists, turns, snakes and gyrates like Axl Rose on ecstasy. John’s death was a minor spoiler, but there are some big ones I’m avoiding here (hint: Watch for Zombies!). So, without going further into details that might spoil the work, just know that The Holy Bible is a rompin’ stompin’ fantasy adventure full of subtle morality and intricate allegory the likes of which we haven’t seen since The Lord of the Rings trilogy.
“The Bible? Well, it’s no Return of the King but I guess it’s pretty all right.”
Really, there are only a few criticisms I have: The sections where the author obviously forces their own political agenda into the story are rather distracting (at one point the whole story grinds to a halt so the Jesus character can give some sort of “sermon” on this “mount”-like thing that is little more than liberal propaganda extolling the benefits of a welfare state) and at times it seems like it could’ve used an editor with a heavier hand (1100 pages long?! Who do you think you are, David Foster Wallace?). I must say that overall, the Holy Bible is a story everybody should read at least once. Just keep in mind that though this may seem like your run of the mill fantasy adventure, there are a myriad of vicious maulings, explicit torture scenes, rape and prostitution, so it’s definitely not for children!
Oh, and though there are some hints of a sequel (a Second Coming is mentioned a few times), I wouldn’t hold my breath if I were you–no official deals have been signed at this time.
So, in summation, I’d give the Holy Bible seven out of te-AGGGGGGGGGGGGBLKkkkkk
Editor’s Note: Our apologies, but while typing this up it seems that Robert has just mysteriously exploded in a cloud of sulfur. If we had to venture a guess, we’d say that he was literally dragged into Hell on the spot for this article–the powers that be were simply not content to wait for him to die for his punishment. If it helps to satisfy your curiosity, we have it on good authority that he was going to give it “seven out of 10 boners,” and that he has not procreated, so his genetic line will end here.
This entry was posted on Wednesday, July 29th, 2009 at 4:00 am and is filed under 2008, Religion, books. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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November 4th, 2009 at 3:00 pm
So adam, do you believe your mother will burn in hell for all eternity because she doesn’t believe in the “right” religion?
November 1st, 2009 at 2:39 am
fuck you JesusandMaryaVirgon, you little racist unclefucker bitch. My mother is muslim.
October 31st, 2009 at 12:53 am
[...] The Holy Bible: A Book Review | Cracked.com [...]
October 5th, 2009 at 4:59 am
I was amazed to see an advertisement for the books of Herbert W Armstrong on the top right corner of this page. That man and his church was about as far out as you can come on the Christian lunatic fringe. Who the approves these ads, what has that person been smoking and where can I get some?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Herbert_W_Armstrong
September 30th, 2009 at 6:14 pm
F**K the Koran or Quran and all the Ass***s that believe in that bullsh**, I hope every year when they go Mecca that someone Nukes them the lot of them.
LOL
September 26th, 2009 at 1:53 pm
I like how you reviewed it as you would any other piece of fiction… well done!
September 23rd, 2009 at 2:27 pm
Man, Brockway–you are right on the edge of some kind of genius. It’s like you can’t quite make up your mind whether to work for Hell or Heaven but there’s just too damned much potential boiling up in you to let you slide into mediocrity. “The Way of the Barbarian”? Fuckin’ comedy gold, and also inspired by a profound verity of the Christian Faith. I can’t bring myself to believe that you’re just cruising around Faith literature in order to find new ways to mock it: hence, somewhere in there, you must be fighting against some pretty serious belief. Comedy is good stuff. Joy: the first third of the Rosary. But it’ll never be complete without Sorrow, and then the passage through Sorrow into Glory. That’s when you’ll be writing REAL genius. So how long are you planning on dicking around with this one-dimensional humor? Because you can definitely do more.
September 20th, 2009 at 7:56 am
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September 18th, 2009 at 10:51 am
Wait– people actually comment on cracked.com articles?
September 17th, 2009 at 2:31 pm
Let’s feed the Christians to the lions.
September 16th, 2009 at 1:15 am
btw, I didn’t actually say sorry in my past post. I’m sorry if I offended anyone. I didn’t mean to.
September 14th, 2009 at 5:08 am
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September 12th, 2009 at 6:27 pm
ok, I’m going to explain my past comments, even if no one here gives a fuck.
1. I made a comment to reply to someone else saying somthing like ‘yeah, you’ll have a go at christans, but you’re too scared to trackle muslims because you know they’ll kill you’.
2. my comment was meant to point out every religious group (as with politicians and crazy movie or book fans) has some complete lunatics who will kill you for insulting them, and therefore this article took balls to write.
3. I phrased one section badly, meaning to suggest its stupid to think all soldiers are gay and that it ISN’T a bad thing to be gay, that gay people SHOULDN’T be harassed and told they will go to hell just because they are.
so yeah, hope that clarifies things.
September 11th, 2009 at 12:48 am
At least we know who created Scientology.=)
September 11th, 2009 at 12:15 am
Guys chill this is nothing but an article on a comedy site it is not meant to be taken seriously.
September 9th, 2009 at 10:51 pm
I’m afraid I’m confused.
Is this all one big joke or have these people seriously never read a history or philosophy book? Or any real substantial poetry, the myths of the ancients, or the prose of Durant. Have you never been told the purpose of the myth and the faerie tale? Have you been living under the lie that magic is a farce, a superstition of a lost and ignoarant age, when the truth is that these are the years for which history will weep as she tells of when Man had lost his sense of wonder, his quest for the impenatrable light of Truth. The dark ages began four hundred years ago, and although a shade may mask that fantastic luminescence of the sun, there is no amount of stone or mortar to be stacked deep enough to conceal the light of Truth. The light known for aeons in the myths across oceans and without contact before it was shown in the pages of history, a light shining for an age that will continue to shine no matter how heavily covered until that time that no Man knows, not even the Son, but only the Father, for the Son is the Word and the Father has yet to speak of the End.
September 8th, 2009 at 1:58 am
On the Quote : First God made heaven & earth. The earth was without form and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep; and the Spirit of God was moving over the face of the waters. And God said, “Let there be light”; and there was light.”
Sorry but i just cant believe it…! If you do some research into who actually put together the Bible then there is a lot of space for discussion. AND there are a ton of Books that were left out of teh bible for Strategic purposes…! Basically brain washing, or only showing one side of the story to its readers/believers.
I believe there is a force of some kind that must have started everything… but that’s where it ends.! The bible is a story book. FICTION! There is no fact behind it. Take it as a way to live your life (LIVE LIFE A GOOD PERSON BASICALLY) DOnt take Adam & Eve seriously, don’t take Daniel and the Lions Literally! its all metaphorical!
God dint make us in his Image.. UNLESS by GOD, you mean EVOLUTION. Maybe Evolution is God, and the way we look & function is due to our environment. and not due to us being designed like this by God. What about the other Billions of Galaxies containing Billions of Solar Systems in each.! Which have Planets Orbiting around their Suns… JUST LIKE OURS!!! Were the beings on those planets (assuming there are others..which logically there ARE) also created in the image of their God???
Maybe each Planet Has a God… and this is all just a life size version of Spore!
(^_^)
September 4th, 2009 at 10:08 pm
Honestly I was hoping for something a little better written at least after seeing the rest of the content on the website. This was a featured article for the history section for Christ’s sakes. If you are going to pretend that you have read the entire Bible, at least pick up on some of the better or at least lesser known parts. I mean some guys take down a wall with trumpets. You have a crazy guy running around nude in the desert telling everyone the world will end unless they stop being dicks. The whole thing about characters dying off randomly is partially true but then again you have some people hanging around for ages. You have entire sections of poetry. If some more thought and time had been put into this it could have been very good and might be a much more respectable piece that could be laughed at besides the people who see themselves as anti-religious. I mean, more research was probably put into the Herculoids article than this.
Yes this is a humor site but some of the stuff you can find in the Bible is fucking great no matter what you believe. God takes the Devil on a bet and screws up a guys like killing his wives, his sons, destroying his property and then he’s like “Derp, I was right, you get it all back.”
Plus think of all the publicity you could get if you could actually offend Christians.
September 4th, 2009 at 3:58 am
This article is possibly the funniest article I have ever read on cracked, or any other site for that matter! Robert Brockway, even though I have never met you, I know that you are a genius.
September 1st, 2009 at 10:54 am
“First God made heaven & earth. The earth was without form and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep; and the Spirit of God was moving over the face of the waters. And God said, “Let there be light”; and there was light.”
Holy shit … (see what i did there?) … god made heaven the earth and presumably the rest of the universe in the dark?!
Thats pretty sweet!
September 1st, 2009 at 9:17 am
@beatnik
“People who do the exact same thing as you do, only with a different set of beliefs”.
Huh?????
what are you talking about. What beliefs do i do, that are the same as the ones i am talking about.
And what category in the Nobel prize would that be. Or were you trying to be witty…. thats funny….. i forgot this is a comedy site. rebuttles dont have to make sense they just have to have a little jab at the end so the person writing it feels better about making a stupid comment that makes no sense with what i said……. Then all the people that agree with his/her side go “yeah take that Atheist…….. He used a big word nobel hahahah” (that was my jab, not as clever as yours but it should illicit a response from my side)
So
If you were trying to make a jab at my religious beleifs.. well then i guess i was right you are a moron… I am an Atheist, that would mean i have no religious beliefs… That doesnt just mean i dont beleive in god or i just dont believe in your god it means………..
I have no god or religion i make all my decisions based on logic and reason. Not mystical auras floating around me, or the little angels or devils on my shoulder
I beleive
The Idea of a god and religion is okay……… I guess…….. If all the good people in the world who talk about how religion should be only used for peace, love, giving, and tolerance, Ran religion or somehow all religions decided to love eachother WITHOUT STIPULATIONS!!!. but that wont happen, there is always a love thy neigbor….. well unless they are gay………… or different
Turn the other cheek…………… unless they are branded a terrorist
or you disagree…..
he without sin cast the first stone… unless you think there sin is worse than yours.
It is easy to make your own interpretations of religion. If you are a good person you will do good things if you are a bad person bad things will happen. I mean come on George Bush said God told him to go to war with Iraq.. GOD???? WAR???? CHRISTIAN?????? that is just one example there are thousands of times in history that religion and gods name has been used for murder, death, and injustice and it is allowed because who would dare defy someone who is speaking for god.
I only speak of passages from judeo-christianity, but do not get me wrong EVERY RELIGION IS THIS WAY. even the religions that claim they dont believe in god still can be agnostic…… do not confuse me with this……… when i die I DIE thats it im gone… not there anymore.. there may be random electric discharges that might make me twitch, move, shit myself but i am dead. no heaven no hell.. and that is my opinion.
I would love to think that there is this magical realm where magic little angels are there to provide for my every whim. All because i led a good life and followed the lord…. But here is the problem you will be there too. and that would suck…..
So when i say you are less intelligent than me for believing in a god. Its because you use god, a book, and other people to tell you how to live your life. I use Logic and Reason and, I just understand that we are all connected here on earth, by none other than the earth. we all have to learn to live in harmony with eachother…. and that will never be achieved as long as a few things still exist……… and two of those things are religion and God.
Life is the Great Mystery not afterlife.
I hope i answered your question about my beliefs
September 1st, 2009 at 5:06 am
“Maybe i should beleive in a God so i can be dumb too?”
Doin’ a fine job at it without God, champ.
People who do the exact same thing as you do, only with a different set of beliefs, are obviously less intelligent. You deserve a Nobel for that observation.
August 31st, 2009 at 8:03 am
Pick your battles? So where would you have smutterfly start?
There was an idiot who posted a list of great writers throughout history who professed there love for the bible as the greatest piece of literature in history, then preceded to use jesus christ of nazareth’s endorsement of the bible as his evidence of why people should belive his point of view…….
I will not even go into why this statement is so historically inacurate because you wont believe me anyway. I have realized if you beleive in the bible and God you are already one step below my intelligence, so how could i even think i could change your mind. Also because smutterfly put it better then i ever could i wont even argue that point.
I would like to have a question answered though…. I have my own opinion about God and religion, as most of you reading this can tell i am an Atheist.
So as an atheist who is mocked, made out to be crazy, beleived a devil worshipper. all those things just because i dont beleive the way you do.
I went to a baptism yesterday for my best friend at a catholic church and was repulsed. I saw these little babies doing this ritual that was only for the comfort of the parents and grandparents. I sat there and just observed…… I saw the other daughter who was unbaptized and from another marriage (mother atheist, Father Catholic) getting soooooooooo upset at the attention the new sister was getting. Then at the end said she wanted to get baptised…. her parents were sooooooooo happy there other child from atheists parents wants to join there ranks as a christian… but for what reason JEALOUSY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I understand this is just a child…. but please think! Her parents are now going to have her believe she had some religious beautiful experience in church that day…… She doesnt understand her feelings she is 8.
Before you judge a gay person or before you say an abortion doctor should die…. ASK YOUSELF WHEN AND WHY DID YOU START BELIVEING IN GOD…….. Did you just grow up knowing there was a God….. Or did you make an informed decision of what you believe, leaving out propaganda and religious mis-information.
So where should i ask these questions… In that church… or on a funny ass fucking website that im really not going to hurt anyone’s feelings…. maybe i will get one person to think before they hate in the name of God!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
but im sure some idiot will come along “chill out man its just a funny website”……
Maybe i should beleive in a God so i can be dumb too?
August 29th, 2009 at 7:51 am
hey smutterfly, moby dick was originally just a big boring manual about the “fish” whales. it was so boring to get it published he had to make up a story to stick in it. which is why when reading it it sounds like two books smooshed together, cuz it is. everything else in that story is secondary to the “facts” about the whales lol
obviously you studied literature but you need to chill out here. pick your battles. this is a comedy site, and none of this is to be taken seriously. just chuckle at the people who think they are smart and move on. save that nice long essay for a journal or something, there might be like 25 bucks in it for you
August 28th, 2009 at 7:37 pm
I will say Smutterfly for such an agnostic or athiest you sure were quick to defend the existance of Jesus Christ. The sad thing is, and it’s sad becaue many a people don’t know this, is that there is only one physical record of his existance on this Earth. And the guy that wrote it down was notorious for lying out his ass.
August 28th, 2009 at 1:43 pm
Whoa. Smutterfly. You have taken this waaaay too seriously, if your dissertation-style comment is anything to go by. It’s just a comedy article, you know?
August 27th, 2009 at 7:15 pm
Okay…so, I only have a few points to add to this discussion.
1: The Bible has been rewritten, translated incorrectly, and deliberately misinterpreted more than any other book in history; this is partly because it’s
been around for quite a while, and partly because it benefited certain people to skew the messages within it.
2: Whether or not a book is well-written is to a point subjective. I mean, there are hard and fast rules, involving grammar, spelling, etc; but the
actual content is experienced differently by each person. For example, some one may feel that the opening of Genesis is a powerful, awe-inspiring
exposition, but some one else may feel it’s tacky and overdone, even campy.
3: The Roman tax records were the most accurate documents of the ancient world. Jesus lived during that time, and he was a decent, law-abiding
citizen…meaning he paid his taxes. There is more evidence that Jesus Christ existed than there is that William Shakespeare did. No one even knows if
Shakespeare was a real person, and he was, if he was even male and not just a front for a female author; the comment about Shakespeare’s supposed
homosexuality is therefore unfounded and anyway, it’s irrelevant, as there are plenty of gay Christians.
4: The long list of people who referenced the Bible as “a pinnacle of literature” or some such…where do I start? (Notice there are some names missing?
Because some people belonged on this list. I’m merely listing the ones who didn’t. The lister was a bit cheap…and some of them were figures in
Christian history, as in almost cannonized, and we’re talking outside endorsements.)
Shakespeare regularly made not so subtle jabs at the expense of various Catholic saints.
Dante revamped how Hell was perceived because he felt the Bible was too vague. He was also a sensualist in the most heathen sense of the word.
Dostoyevsky is considered the precursor of existentialism and did indeed use Biblical themes…to prove that the whole idea was ridiculous.
Dickens blamed God for everything. Life sucked because God hated you, and the Bible was propaganda to put your brain to sleep while other people took
advantage of how much God hated you.
Nietsczhe was indeed a devout Christian, but often commented that he felt the Bible was a steaming pile of horse manure, invented by man as a way to
enslave and/or kill God. Hence the famous quote, “God is dead.” What very few people know is that he goes on to explain how WE KILLED HIM with Scripture
and organized religion.
Melville was way more concerned with sexuality and gender roles than he was with the Bible. If you’re talking about Moby Dick, may I remind you that the
Bible wasn’t the first book to have a “white whale”?
Graham Greene was an anarchist that described God as a distant, vindictive father figure, while occasionally invoked highly disturbing torture and
castration images within the same paragraphs.
Chesterton was a spiritualist who later became Catholic out of a fear of death and hell, and made fun of the Bible as often as possible by ripping apart
the proverbs in almost everything he wrote. Time even wrote an article about him raping proverbs.
Shaw’s short story The Black Girl is basically telling everyone to stop looking for God in the Bible and the Church and to just live right, the rest’ll
come naturally.
Faulkner was a fucking junkie who chased God by swallowing every hallucinogen he could get down his throat and then puking 10 pages of useless drivel
about masturbating while wondering if your brother is mastrubating across the room at the same time, and following it up with a “deep” chapter that is one
sentence long, “obscurely” and “cleverly” stating that because your mother’s coffing floated in a river at some point while she was in it, she is a fish.
Chaucer used his writing as a way to avenge himself on people he knew by turning them into characters and Bibling them until they died horrible deaths.
Jeff waxing poetic about the Bible as an encyclopedia of torture isn’t exactly a ringing endorsement.
Joyce…are you referring to JAMES Joyce?
Eliot bitched because his good friend C S Lewis (who is some one who actually BELONGS on your list) used too much Biblical allegory in the Narnia
Chronicles and said “the Bible has no place in literature.”
Frost’s imagery was, for the most part, very pagan in its rurality and earthiness. I’m not sure why on Earth he was on this list, other than that he was
kind of a Christian. A little. Involuntarily.
Coleridge was crippled by mental problems and heavy drug use throughout his life and is heralded as one of the founders of American transcendentalism,
part of which is bashing Scripture and Church doctrine.
William Blake was indeed a huge proponent of the Bible; it should be noted, however, that he believed that the body of God existed solely in and was made
up of the imaginations of men, and therefore said that it was impossible for the Bible to “go beyond the limits of literature.” Which makes sense, if you
worship your own imagination.
Kant believed in epistemology, which he later bashed and then lauded and then bashed and then….etc; this makes perfect sense to an epistemologist, as
they believe you can’t really know anything, and even if you could, you wouldn’t know that you knew it. So citing some one who probably wasn’t sure the
Bible existed as one of its proponents is ludicrous. Also, he was an empiricist and a rationalist, and several times was heard calling the Bible
“fantastic.” Anyone who knows how people spoke in the late 1700’s knows that unless it’s referring to a children’s book, “fantastic” was not a
compliment.
Descartes is most famous for his quote “Man will not be free until the last politician is strangled with the entrails of the last priest;” now, he didn’t
hate religion. But he was a philospher and a scientist, helping to forge the Scientific Revolution by feeding the flames with pages from the Bible.
Priests and Bibles got in his way, and he thought the book itself “fickle, self-contradictory,” and basically said it was full of dogshit.
5: This is a comedic piece. The author’s intent is known only to the author, unless he tells us, which I suspect I he won’t, because it’s more fun that
way. Why are some of you taking this so seriously?
I realize that this is a slightly hypocritical statement, as I pulled out lots of real facts to answer some of your points, but I only wanted to have to
leave ONE enormous comment, and never need to add anything, so I thought I’d get it all out.
And for those of you who are curious because of the wording and/or tone of my comment: no, I am not a Christian, and yes, I have studied the Bible.
~S
August 25th, 2009 at 1:53 pm
Hilarious! A review that’s way overdue. Some of relatives sent me “Bible songs for children” which involved such horrible things and, sadly, they were all true.
I’m glad you provided a warning.
August 25th, 2009 at 1:29 pm
That is absolute genius, I REALLY wish I’d thought of it. Great work.
August 25th, 2009 at 7:12 am
I’d rather live my life knowing that there is a God and dying to find out there is none, than to live my life like there is no God and dying to find out he actually exists.
August 24th, 2009 at 9:13 pm
I think it would have been better without the dying at the end and the editors note. I have to say I love the snark and the turn of phrase. Epic.
August 24th, 2009 at 12:21 pm
TOO FUNNY! I wonder what George Carlin would’ve said…
August 24th, 2009 at 6:54 am
jhsbnajdasdxs omg!
this is the most epic stuff ever
bookmarked and posted on every site i know of!
August 23rd, 2009 at 2:38 am
Will the people attempting to preach in their comments please sit down and shut up? You’re not going to convert anybody, you idiots.
August 22nd, 2009 at 3:59 pm
I once tried to review the bible for my school library.
It wasn’t well recieved…
August 20th, 2009 at 5:48 am
haha omg! hahaha I’m a christian too and I couldn’t help but laugh almost all of the reading hahaha it was a great review really I think I would led my friends to read it, but surely they would laugh differently than me because most of them dont believe in God, but it’s so funny I would take them to read it hehe.
(I believe in the others faith too, Budda and Muhammad and others, because religion is too expansive, insteresting and… well, I don’t think I have an explanation, I’m christian… or catholic, I can’t remember well lol, but I respect and admire those who have faith too, and not a crazy whipslashing-in-the-back fanatism, because that’s good… except maybe scientology, lol nobody likes it! hahaha)
August 20th, 2009 at 1:26 am
@Blake, for being a lit professor im surprised u listed shakespeare as one of the peope who held the bible up so high. you do know he was gay right? and he openly mocked the bible. maybe u should read a history book.
@nuus, thank you for the monty python refernce. i thought the same thing when i read the end
August 20th, 2009 at 1:08 am
i am a christain
this was hilarious. i actually read the bible cover to cover and even looking at it from a nonreligious point of veiw it was still good. dont beleive me? read Ezekiel.
oh and @InuGhost, i read the divine comedy. ur reference was way off.
August 19th, 2009 at 6:38 pm
I’ve changed my mind, I’ve read some of the other posts, and people overreact here too. Darn.
Just so everyone knows the Bible was written by a bunch of people inspired by God, or I guess if you want to look at it that way, God wrote it all through a bunch of people.
Either way funny post, I must say I loved the Editer’s note, and the Harry Potter reference.
August 19th, 2009 at 6:25 pm
I’m really glad this is just for fun. Because if not I would have a lot to point out. I’m also glad the people on this website don’t overreact like a ton of others I’ve been on.
August 18th, 2009 at 2:25 pm
“Welcome to the horror of the revelation
Tell me what you think of your savior now
I reject all the biblical views of the truth
Dismiss it as the folklore of the times
I won’t be force fed prophecies
From a book of untruths for the weakest mind
I keep the bible in a pool of blood
So that none of its lies can affect me!”
-Slayer
August 18th, 2009 at 9:20 am
[...] The Holy Bible: A Book Review by Robert Brockway • Twitter Site Offers Followers Line To God (Reuters) – @thekotel • 60 [...]
August 17th, 2009 at 8:00 pm
What’s up with this anti-christ character, is he like the evil superman?
August 17th, 2009 at 6:44 pm
Dude… this is fucking awesome. Especially the editors note.
August 16th, 2009 at 10:38 pm
Actually, I hear that there’s a sequel (of sorts: it does contradict with the original book a bit, and was obviously written by a different author)- the Koran. It’s not as much a fantasy adventure as a book of rules and ideas, obviously riding on the fame of the Holy Bible for the author’s own political agenda, but it does work on the setting and might be worth reading. Anyone want to take up a review on that one?
August 15th, 2009 at 7:19 am
After reading this review, I decided to give it a go and I must protest: although I appreciate the lack of spoilers, I found that there was a rather pleasing amount of gore that went unmentioned in this review.
***SPOILERALERT***
This Samson guy killed hundreds of people with a jawbone, and David’s Mighty Men killed more people in one day than Leonidas and his Bold 300, plus a lion, and the lion was in a one-on-one fisticuffs match after the guy fell a pit!
***SPOILERALERTOVER***
I guess all-in-all my point is this:
Do I smell a sitcom?
August 14th, 2009 at 7:20 pm
And of course this turns into a debate.
TOOLS
August 14th, 2009 at 6:56 pm
This was a wonderfully hilarious article ^^ Your guys’ site never fails to make my day fun. Thank you!
August 13th, 2009 at 5:00 pm
Funny article but honestly it’s very simple…it’s all about Jesus…we all need Him to survive the judgment beyond this life. Without Jesus, we’re in big trouble….
God’s Plan of Salvation summarized…
http://blip.tv/file/1755869/
August 13th, 2009 at 3:54 am
I’m with Blue Mun, I’ll wait for the movie.
August 12th, 2009 at 7:02 am
Jesus H Christ and his Apostles of Funk are now my background… because I believe, dammit.
August 12th, 2009 at 5:20 am
I think you were a bit too generous with your score, I thought the Bible had continuity issues, had problems with pacing and I think Jesus is a Gary Stu. Maybe God had too many editors messing with it?
I think I’ll wait for the movie and hope that there won’t be a thousand producers on the director’s back. And that the director won’t be Uwe Boll.
August 12th, 2009 at 3:27 am
“First God made heaven & earth. The earth was without form and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep; and the Spirit of God was moving over the face of the waters. And God said, “Let there be light”; and there was light.”
- I really must say such a great opening!!
almost as good as my favorite modern religion that arises on the left in yellow, welcoming text:
Welcome to the World of Warcraft!
August 11th, 2009 at 6:45 am
@ Chelsea
I am very proud of you that you have reached your age of enlightentment, but you can’t say just because you have good intentions, that the best will always follow.
You don’t see any atheists out there killing abortion doctors, telling gay people they are sub par humans, and demonizing people like me who are intelligent enough to try to stand up against religion without being made to look crazy or like a devil worshipper (i dont even believe in the devil) You are the one who associates yourself with that group, not me that is your choice.
It seems you are a good person and that is great and you have learned that religion is fine if you dont take it so seriously…. i will never disagree that religion is okay for teaching good moral stories… it is just when you take a piece of literature like the Bible or the Qur’an and decide to live your entire life by it….. you can interpret thoses books however you want that is why people are killing and hating eachother for no reason.
On a more personal note: i was raised southern baptist my father was an African missionary for 8 years and my grandfather a preacher, I love both of them they were and are great people i have no horror stories of religion I actually have very good memories of church and the people in it…. I just grew up and started thinking for myself.
August 10th, 2009 at 8:31 pm
Thanks for finally reviewing my book–but 7 out of 10 boners? Come on Robert, I appreciate a good dick joke as well as the next omicient diety, but that thing took a hell of long time to write! And given the fact that I CREATED boners, I think it should get at least ten of them. Keep up the good work, I’m a big fan!
August 10th, 2009 at 6:21 pm
(for you judgemental faith-assasin below)
It’s a shame that so many non-Christians have a view such as yours. I know that it come from a certain ‘group’ of Christians, that do NOT make up everyone. These people are usually self-righteous and definetely do not accuretly display what Christianity is all about. You should really study what it really has to say since you obviously feel so strongly about it. I have been a so-called “Christian” all my life and I am only now beginning to understand what it is all about(which is nothing that you said below–also not about money, hating gays, abortion views, etc…) It is about truly giving your all to be the best you can, loving others no matter what, and going through hard times just like the rest of the world-whether that be addictions, or questioning your faith. It may be hard for you to see, but there is more in this universe besides science. Open UP!
August 10th, 2009 at 7:55 am
@GodFear
Before you make comments that are just blatantly historically wrong. Think about what you are arguing….
YOU ARE USING THE BOOK WE ARE DEBATING TO TRY TO PROVE IT’S OWN HISTORICAL ACCURACY.
Just because in your eyes the bible is God’s word, does not mean that everything stated in it is HISTORICAL FACT, and everyone who reads it should take it that way. Very Few things in the bible can be substantiated by anything other than you guessed it… the Bible. (or variations of the bible, or people quoting the bible)
Today we learn about Mayan, Greek, Roman, Egyptian, Persian (hundreds of others) mythology in school as some kind of magical mystical mumbo jumbo with all these crazy god’s and strange rituals of sacrifice.
Next time you are in church remember “symbolically” you are drinking the blood of a 2000 year old man in rememberance of him being brutally beaten and sacrificed. All of this not because of historical fact, there is none… not even a birth record for Jesus, no record of any “hunt” for a child king.
Then listen to what the person from the pulpitt asking for your money is telling you, its called F.U.D.D. Fear, Uncertainty, Doubt, Disbelief. It is a means of control.
“If you don’t listen to us you will go to hell”
“If you dont understand something there are 3 explanations”
1. God Did it (if it’s good)
2. Devil Did it (if it’s Bad)
3. Devil did it (to tempt you i.e. not believing is a sign of the devil)
So please before you make another comment stating the bible, god, jesus, satan as your reason for arguing, remember most of us here think of your religion as you look at greek mythology…. funny well written stories with morals………… but that is it.
August 10th, 2009 at 6:20 am
@GodFear
So the book of Job has never been. Mistranslated, Misinterpreted, had stories added - changed - made more interesting in 4000 years????
Gods lips to your eyes on this subject is that correct?
August 9th, 2009 at 12:41 am
Hey could you read the book of Job and tell us how it knows so much? I mean back then how did they know hot water springs was in the deep sea and all that stuff? Or that the earth was in space? Or what germs was? How did these old men know about all this stuff 4000 years ago? (fyi Job is the oldest book in the bible.)
August 8th, 2009 at 9:46 pm
By the way, anyone who has actually read Chaucer knows that he loved poking fun at the catholic church. Well, more than he loved poking fun at everything else at least. So I highly doubt he of all people would hold up the bible as the “pinnacle of literature.”
August 8th, 2009 at 9:08 pm
Thank you for this. You have no idea how happy reading this made me. I think I might actually pick up a bible if I can find one and give it a read with this kind of mentality.
August 7th, 2009 at 10:20 pm
Aaaah, fuckin’ lawl. Y’all’s a bunch of anal bitches if you can’t just laugh at this article for what it is.
It’s just a piece of comedy.
August 7th, 2009 at 9:32 pm
@Blake
Actually, this “Jesus of Nazereth” you’re talking about never once was like “Hey, guys, you should read the bible.” You know why? BECAUSE THE BIBLE DIDN’T EXIST YET. They had the Torah, you dope. The Bible was “created” when the folks got together at the Council of Nicea and put it together using political judgement and bits of Playdough. Now if you want to pull some famous people out of your ass, so can I. Oh, and lookie, I have quotes!
The Bible is a book that has been read more and examined less than any book that ever existed. –Thomas Paine
Most people are bothered by those passages of Scripture they do not understand, but the passages that bother me are those I do understand. –Mark Twain
That said, however, that doesn’t mean a damn thing. My quotes mean squat. Your list means squat. Fact is, the bible is not any sort of “pinnacle” of literature. And it has nothing to do with its influence. Hell, Twilight is popular. Quite popular. Does that mean it’s well written? No. The Bible is just not necessarily a very well written book. Aside from the fact that it had 168376841 authors who wrote as many books, it’s just basically supposed to be a history book. It’s a display of “facts” as those who wrote it saw them.
August 7th, 2009 at 10:01 am
mudslngr1 Says:
August 7th, 2009 at 9:17 am
Finally people should realize, it was just a book taken WAY to seriously
I believe mudslngr1 has hit the nail on the head of what i was trying to say the long winded way. Believe whatever you want but dont base your life around a book that teaches of intollerance and hate. Just read it and take in the good stories. Believe in your God the way you want to not the way some book tells you do.
August 7th, 2009 at 9:44 am
In Nietzsche’s eyes, Christianity exists in a hypocritical state wherein people preach love and kindness but find their joy in condemning and punishing
I haven’t really looked much into it but within 1 minute i found this quote from Nietzshe. Where does the contradictory preaching come from? Are you sure someone who had contempt for christianity would support its most holy of books.
August 7th, 2009 at 9:32 am
@blake
Once again you are missing the point you are using a fictional character to support your argument. As a professor of literature i would assume you know that there is absolutely no evidence of the life of jesus christ other than the bible, He is referenced in many other works but no concrete proof other what you would call faith or stories handed down through hundreds of years of time. That is fine i do not judge anyone for there religious belief but you know your talking to atheists right? We dont believe in Jesus
Now onto your list of people who profess their love for the the greatness of the bible. Those are real people and i would be glad to see the evidence of them professing their undying love for the bible as you do, or did they just make a comment saying they believed in it, Or as i said if you scroll down “Yes it is a great work of fiction.”
August 7th, 2009 at 9:17 am
Finally people should realize, it was just a book taken WAY to seriously.
August 7th, 2009 at 5:24 am
>>“If he were dying, he wouldn’t /write/ ‘aaaauugh’, he’d just /say/ it.”
“Perhaps he was dictating!” <<
Mos, I’m so glad I read that, thank you.
August 6th, 2009 at 7:54 pm
btw, i am a real douchebag and i love to suck.
August 6th, 2009 at 3:32 pm
lol love the second coming stuff
August 6th, 2009 at 3:27 pm
Well, Blake, the quality of the prose itself just isn’t very high, regardless of the Bible’s influence. Plus, there are a bunch of books dedicated to just listing laws and rules, which isn’t very exciting.
Oh, and your list is too short.
August 6th, 2009 at 2:05 pm
@djjinx and Jacob
I’ve studied, and continue to study, Literature for a living. It’s what I do. I’m a Lit professor. To seriously sit there and say that the Bible is not beautifully written nor incredibly complex is not only a bad opinion, it’s just plain wrong. You guys aren’t fighting me alone on this issue, you’re fighting pretty much all of literary history. Here’s a short list of thinkers and writers that put the Bible as the pinnacle of Literature:
Shakespeare
Dante
Dostoyevsky
Dickens
Cormac McCarthy
Flannery O’Connor
Nietsczhe
Melville
Graham Greene
Chesterton
Shaw
Faulkner
Boethius
Augustine
Chaucer
Joyce
Yeats
Eliot
Frost
Coleridge
William Blake
Kant
Descartes
Not to mention a certain Jesus of Nazareth. Shall I continue? I think you get my point. It’s fine if you don’t like the Bible, that’s all well and good. But it is irrational and just plain ignorant to see the Bible as a sub-par piece of literature. No book or writer, not even Shakespeare, has inspired so many works of art, literature, music, drama, and film. No book has present such a myriad of varied lives and cultures in one cohesive narrative. I’m not debating the religious truth of the Bible, only it’s literary merit. I just find it somewhat humorous how atheists get so upset over the authority of the Bible in western Literature.
On the topic of not having read the Bible, I see it as no point here but if you must know I’ve read the Bible in it’s entirely over a dozen times, returning to certain books and passages daily.
August 6th, 2009 at 1:43 pm
@Jacob Kothmayer
One of your points says that it’s written by a bunch of different people and you’re right, but you’re stating it like it’s a bad thing. The Bible is covering thousands of years and longest anyone has lived was 958 years (I think. I know it’s in the 900s though). idk what version of the Bible you read but all of mine state who wrote the book and w/e. No one ever stated that the Bible was written by 1 man.
August 6th, 2009 at 1:34 pm
Wow the ending really killed this.
And 1100 pages? Jeez my NKJV has over 2000 pages. I also have a KJV and that’s still longer than 1100 pages.
August 6th, 2009 at 11:25 am
I find it hilarious when people, knowing that the person they are trying to persuade is an atheist to believe there way pulls out the Bible scripture references. That is like me trying to convince you that wizardy is real by quoting “Harry Potter and the Sorcerers Stone”
August 6th, 2009 at 10:42 am
@Blake To say it is hands down the most complex work of literature to ever exist, and not to mention you using the word Methinks. Tells me maybe you should think about going to a different University. Yes it is a great work of fiction, but it should never be referenced as you did, unless you are a seminary student or way to gullible
August 6th, 2009 at 10:19 am
Religion is a funny thing in the sense that any religion can argue with any religion, and the only thing they have in common is that they both KNOW they’re right. It’s an interesting but true fact (as learned in my sociology of religion class at the University of Utah) that the largest influence on ANYONE’S religion is their geographical location. So please everyone try not to take religion so seriously, if you were born somewhere else you’d have a different belief and most likely a different level of religions ferver, but everyone KNOWS that they are right. That said, great article, hilarious!
August 6th, 2009 at 8:36 am
@Blake
Stow it. That claim is complete garbage. Not only is the writing quality of a work an inherently subjective claim, but you’re obviously talking about a completely different fucking book then everyone else. I’m not even sure you’ve READ the bible.
- It has continuity errors out the ass. The damn thing begins TWICE! WITH TWO COMPLETELY DIFFERENT BEGINNINGS!!
- Half of the fucking Old Testament are lists. Just plain ass lists. Like “So-and-so is the father of so-and-so who fucked so-and-so who push so-and-so out of her vagina,” or “Fish are cool, crustaceans are uncool, beef is cool, pork not so much, beating women is cool, beating dudes is totally not cool bro.”
-The voice is completely inconsistent, almost as if it were written by tons of different people then anthologized! Imagine that!
- “Complexity” means jack shit as far as the awesomeness of a story. Have you ever watched Lost? It’s 600 hours of over-written shit. Just because the plot was convoluted as fuck doesn’t make it Citizen Kane.
You can believe whatever the hell you want about the Bible. You can think it’s the greatest piece of literary fiction in history, a piece of overwrought garbage, or God’s only truth. That doesn’t make it fucking so. Plenty of people who have “taken University level literature courses” are far less than impressed with the Great Paperweight Ever Sold. I happen to agree that this was a pretty entertaining article, and the fact that people get offended when others don’t hold reverence EXACTLY AS THEY DO FOR THE EXACT SAME THINGS says more about those people then this article.
Besides all that shit, The Bible is hardly the most complex work of literature ever to exist. You need to read more. Hell, any book by Marcel fucking Proust is more complex then the bible.
August 6th, 2009 at 12:24 am
@Jen Atheist or not, how can you honestly say the Bible is poorly written? It’s hand down the most complex work of literature to ever exist. Methinks you should take some University level literature courses.
August 5th, 2009 at 10:20 pm
I am not surprised at all that Robert was annihilated by the holy wrath of our good Lord and Savior for writing this article. Such rebellion! Such pride!
God shall not be mocked.
August 5th, 2009 at 8:52 pm
@Jacob. You have put into words exactly what I would love to scream into the human population’s collective ears. Thank you for stating the absolute truth.
August 5th, 2009 at 8:49 pm
Such a great article. I see where you’re going with this, and I love how you pointed out the truth in the bible. Yeah, they kill off people a lot. And apparently to aplease God’s anger in the Old Testament, you need to sacrafice a cow.
Great job. I may go to hell for reading this, but it was good.
August 5th, 2009 at 5:11 pm
That was an interesting article. Ironic that the ads are about some wackjob’s Intelligent Design book.
August 5th, 2009 at 11:21 am
good one
cheryl, seriously your “speech” was pretty useless. it was so fucking long that i stopped reading after the first line. you almost fucking quoted half the bible! people will just scroll down really long shit like that.
August 5th, 2009 at 7:22 am
u say what u want Jacob Kothmayer, i have my own beliefs and u have ure’s
August 5th, 2009 at 7:19 am
There are soo many similarities between Islam, and Christianity, and even though the author is gonna burn in hell, its was funny.
(ohh yea…fake Jesus Christ, muslims dont like u either)
August 5th, 2009 at 5:15 am
I hate religion i hate anything to do with religion (thought Buddhism is okay with me cause well.. at least we know Buddah was real) and I hate hate HATE bible thumpers with a passion. If I cared about what a made up entity wanted me to do I would but I don’t. Religion was just a form of controlling the masses. having people bitch at me for not believing in god is like people telling me i’m going to die for smoking, really you can do it all you want but it won’t change my mind. Thank god my girlfriend is wiccan, what’s more is she doesn’t push it on me. Through and through on the main subject this article had me rolling… good job!
August 4th, 2009 at 10:17 pm
*applauds Jake Kothmayer*
August 4th, 2009 at 8:53 pm
This was funny as hell, although that’s where I’ll probably be going for reading such blasphemy. Oh well, fuck you all, and to all see you in the flames of eternal damnation and suffering (AKA: being forced to watch twilight without proper protective eyewear)
August 4th, 2009 at 2:43 pm
There’s lots of DVD extras and cut scenes, too.
August 4th, 2009 at 1:45 pm
JK, it’s hilarious.
August 4th, 2009 at 1:43 pm
Fuck Muslims, and fuck this article.
August 4th, 2009 at 9:45 am
Just so all of the Christians with Fatwah envy will shut the hell up, let me state for the record that the Qu’ran is bullshit, Muslims are as loony and wacky as any other religious group, Mohammad is most definitely not a prophet, abstaining from pork and alcohol for religious reasons is stupid, Arabic is just another language, Mecca is a shithole in the middle of a desert with no supernatural significance whatsoever, and making women wear big black veils in 110 degree weather is cruel and absurd.
Lastly, to leave no stone unturned:
Mohammad was a homosexual.
Mohammad was an illiterate conman.
Mohammad was a liar and a charlatan.
Mohammad contradicts himself constantly.
Islam is a social construct.
Islam leads to violence and repression.
The Earth is 4.5 billion years old no matter what the Qu’ran says.
Homosexuals are people too.
Women are people too.
Sex is awesome.
Beer is awesome.
Penises and boobs are awesome, especially when displayed on giant posters in public.
The Danish Cartoonists were right.
Most Muslims are decent people who don’t condone violence, just like Christians, Jews, Hindus, Buddhists, and every other belief system. You aren’t special.
To Christians:
Shut. The. Fuck. Up. with the whole “You would never say this about Muslims/the Koran/blah blah blah.” Muslims make up 2% of the US population, Christians make up 80% of the population. American satirists will make fun of Muslims more than Christians when the opposite is true. Like hell Christians are peaceful tolerant. First, you’re bitching in this forum about how, if you were Muslim, you’d kill the shit out of the author. That’s fucked up. Second, read a fucking history book. Christians killed millions in the name of their religion. You’re not special. You’re human. Humans are assholes.
August 4th, 2009 at 8:46 am
I am an atheist and I found this article highly entertaining. I also view the Bible as a book of fiction, and not even a very well-written one at that.
People with faith don’t offend me, but extremely religious, “I-have-to-push-my-beliefs-onto-others-because-my-beliefs-are-the-only-correct-ones-out-there” people like Cheryl (below) DO offend me.
Since Cheryl likes quotes so much, here is one of my own:
“I contend that we are both atheists. I just believe in one fewer god than you do. When you understand why you dismiss all the other possible gods, you will understand why I dismiss yours.” –Steven Roberts
August 4th, 2009 at 8:25 am
…Wow. Cheryl, I may be religious, but I don’t go around quoting the fucking bible whenever I comment.
August 4th, 2009 at 5:30 am
Sounds like a good read. If Oprah puts it on her list, I’ll definitely go out and pick up a copy. Is it in paperback yet?
August 4th, 2009 at 1:54 am
@ Cheryl, chill the fuck out girl. You are probably a baptist aren’t you, I like catholic girls, wink wink.
August 4th, 2009 at 12:56 am
Believe in God and in Christ
Jesus says in John 8:24, “For if you do not believe that I am He, you will die in your sins.” In order to do the will of the Father, we must believe in God and in Christ, otherwise we will die in our sins and be lost. If we don’t believe in God and in Christ, we will certainly not do what They tell us we must do. If God is to be believed at all, He must be believed fully. Hebrews 11:6 says, “But without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him.” We must diligently seek to know all that God wants us to do and then gladly do it.
Do you believe in God and Christ with all your heart? Do you believe in Them to the point that you have all the confidence in the world in Them and you will do anything and everything They tell you to do? Not what we choose to do, but what God tells us to do. If we will not, then we are no different than those people that we read about in John 12:42-43, “Nevertheless even among the rulers many believed in Him, but because of the Pharisees they did not confess Him, lest they should be put out of the synagogue: for they loved the praise of men more than the praise of God.” These people believed Jesus, but they were not saved, because they would not confess and obey Him.
Many people believe that redemptive faith is merely a willing disposition to trust in Christ as their personal savior, independent of any further acts of obedience. This notion is completely alien from the truth found in the Bible. A belief that will not accept and do all God tells us to do is not enough. If this is the case, then we are no better than the devils in James 2:19, “You believe that there is one God. You do well. Even the devils believe and tremble!” The devils believe in God and they tremble, but this does not save them. So “faith only” does not save anyone, or otherwise the devils would also be saved. God’s word says, “You see then that a man is justified by works and not by faith only” (James 2:24). Man’s doctrine of “faith only” is foreign to the Bible.
Our belief is a work of God that God requires of us. John 6:29, “Jesus answered and said unto them, this is the work of God, that you believe in Him whom He sent.” Our belief must be an obedient belief in all the things that God tells us to do. When our faith in God and in Christ has caused us to do what they tell us only then can we be saved. We do not earn our salvation but we qualify for it only when we have done what God has told us we must do.
Satan is trying to tell people today they do not have to do anything to qualify for God’s gift of eternal life. Satan is successful with many people. We cannot have selective obedience and be pleasing to God. Our obedience is how we show our love to God and Christ. John 14:21, “He that has My commandments and keeps them, it is he who loves Me. And he who loves Me will be loved of My Father, and I will love him and manifest Myself to him.” If we love Christ we will abandon all we do religiously that is not found in the Bible and then do all things that Christ wants us to do.
Just before Jesus ascended back into Heaven, He commanded His apostles in Matthew 28:19-20 to “Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all things that I have commanded you.” Our faith in Him must lead us to observe all things the Lord has commanded us to do in order to be pleasing to Him. We cannot select just certain commands of God to obey. We cannot ignore or rationalize away any of His commands we don’t like and expect to be saved. To believe in Him is to obey Him fully.
In speaking of Christ, Hebrews 5:9 says, “And having been perfected, He became the author of eternal salvation to all who obey Him.” If Christ is to be the author of our eternal salvation, He must be obeyed with an obedient faith. Respect for Jesus as our Lord means doing all He says and for the reason He says. In Luke 6:46 Jesus says, “But why do you call Me Lord, Lord, and not do the things which I say?” Jesus is not our Lord if we do not do what He says. Are you willing for Jesus to be your Lord?
August 3rd, 2009 at 9:07 pm
I’m mildly religious but understand that if you can’t make fun of one thing, you can’t make fun of anything. Funny article, and keep up the good work.
August 3rd, 2009 at 7:54 pm
I laughed. I laughed so hard. At this article. And I’m a religious person.
So, in other words, there are people who make religion a humorous topic, and you, sir, are one of them.
August 3rd, 2009 at 7:29 pm
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what’s the most important is:you dont have to be a millionaire.but you can meet one.
I think everyone need to meet some miracle after all the terrible stuff in the news and the economy .You should check it out!!!
August 3rd, 2009 at 6:20 pm
The Bible is great fiction
August 3rd, 2009 at 12:16 pm
no Says: “Pretty boring article imo”
Pretty boring book imo
August 3rd, 2009 at 5:51 am
Pretty boring article imo
August 3rd, 2009 at 2:45 am
I can see how this can offend certain people easily, but honestly, this is cracked. If you don’t like it you don’t need to come to the site. People with humor are always welcome though.
August 3rd, 2009 at 12:10 am
Capt. Obvious, does it not occur to you that since this is cracked.com, and most of the comments are coming from regular visitors, that this is a crowd that generally just isn’t fucking offended by coarse language?
August 2nd, 2009 at 8:22 pm
I *heart* you, Robert Brockway. Seriously. A big, bloody still beating heart of love.
Also, I can’t help but notice a striking resemblence between this ‘God’ character and a certain “Cracked” writer. Weird.
August 2nd, 2009 at 5:09 pm
*buwhahaha*
Awesome, very funny
August 2nd, 2009 at 8:13 am
The religious texts used to be true, for example when they were first bestowed. But now they’ve been changed a lot. According to the Qur’an, Jesus was a Prophet, not the son of God or God himself. The very fact that this is what people are being told could show that the original Bible has been tampered with. I’m not saying the Qur’an is right and the Bible is wrong, its up to what the individual believes, I guess.
August 2nd, 2009 at 7:45 am
@ conor My wife is in seminary to become an Anglican priest and she swears like a sailor, but selectively depending on the company. I guess it all comes down to what you consider to be immoral. Maybe believing in God and being a Christian doesn’t mean you have to act like Mary Poppins. Fundamentalists and Extremists do not = all religious people.
August 1st, 2009 at 11:04 pm
8====D
August 1st, 2009 at 9:05 pm
lol good review
do some non-fiction next time
August 1st, 2009 at 6:52 pm
Not Brockway’s best, but I’ll read him again. And at least I read the WHOLE MOTHERFUCKER.
How the hell did you read through all those blah blah is son of blah blah chapters? Don’t those things go on forever? Talk about trying to get your cast continuity straight.
August 1st, 2009 at 6:14 pm
Yeah, that’s mature, Conor, using the comments section to brag about how your article is better. Yeah. That makes you look so cool and not like a jackass at all. Good job at being so polite!
August 1st, 2009 at 5:38 pm
That was very amusing. I’m a professing Christian and I still found it to be really, really funny. I don’t really find anything offensive about this article. Anyone who takes this seriously is a strange cookie, indeed. To each his or her own, I suppose.
Conor, I stopped reading that article the minute the writer said Twilight was “a good read.” Can we at least reference real literature even in faux book reviews?
August 1st, 2009 at 1:11 pm
Our article is funnier and was also written first:
http://thetalkingmirror.com/2008/11/review-the-good-book-abundant-drama-ending-over-the-top-and-depressing/
August 1st, 2009 at 12:45 pm
Me thinks something fishy is a foot.
I’ve been reading through the comments, and have noticed a trend. Each of the people who claim to be serious Christians often end up using swear words in there post; most often “Brockway is a funny mother fucker” or some variation of it.
Now I was raised in multiple sects of Christianity (even some of the whack job ones, like Jehovah’s Witnesses), due to my parents divorce and my mother’s need to constantly switch religions every 2 to 4 years.
In my experience, the serious Christians don’t swear that openly. Oh some of them do, but when they think no one is listening or the people who are listening don’t know their faith.
I’m just saying it’s weird that so many “I’m a Christian” commentors have had that kind of language. I mean I’m all for it. George Carlan, may he rest in peace, was 100% right, FUCK is the greatest word ever.
August 1st, 2009 at 10:52 am
[...] The Holy Bible, a review: http://bit.ly/GIPAB [...]
August 1st, 2009 at 10:38 am
Yes, Jesus was a socialist liberal.
August 1st, 2009 at 10:25 am
He forgot to mention how fucking awesome the last chapter is (a bit of a trip, but entertaining nonetheless)
August 1st, 2009 at 9:19 am
The author didn’t have to read the Bible to come up with ^ that kind of review (everybody knows those stories) - and I don’t think he did. I get it, its fashionable to put Bible down in this day and age - but this is just another asshat-clown (armed with above average vocabulary and knows what ticks stupid-youth) being funny just for the sake of being funny (I was gonna pull the compensation theory from Addler’s psychology classic but I gotta go hit the gym).
And it wasn’t all that funny either. FAIL.
August 1st, 2009 at 8:00 am
Brent, you can’t consider “yourself saved”, lackwit.
It was a crackedy good treatment, but did too much skipping. Why didn’t you cover the crimes of the bandit Gods and their thug sons? The weakest point of the work was how they bade so much of their men, against all kinds of sin, yet they were the biggest sinners—maybe not in spite of but so thas they could keep all the evil for themselves. I do mean both series.
It’s too bad believers don’t understand how many of their books were written atide as novels or deliberate fables, later propaganda. Those were thennes 50–500 years after their haps; they were not short of skins or paper I tell you.
God has no right to be angry, ever. almightygod on Twitter tald me of your page.
August 1st, 2009 at 7:45 am
Has anyone actually read the bible?
I’m not setting up a point about how it’s shit or misunderstood or anything, I’m just saying, has anyone ever read the whole thing?
August 1st, 2009 at 7:37 am
I must say that I’m a Christian and I didn’t found this…oh wait, sorry, that ain’t my line.
But where is the bible bashing? where is the fucking disrespect for people beliefs? (as retarded as they might, sorry, as retarded as they are) where is the christian baiting? I have read some comments and it looks like a civilized discussion so far. ON RELIGIOUS SUBJECTS. ON THE INTERNET.
August 1st, 2009 at 5:45 am
Occasionally funny. Eh. Read better, read worse. As a recovery ex-evangelical what the fuck ever, the idea of a review of the Bible is a great source of material that was only marginally explored in this article, which needed editing at the end. Wound up sounding a little juvenile. Great idea though. The “verbosity” line is killer.
August 1st, 2009 at 3:23 am
Good work.
August 1st, 2009 at 2:18 am
Elodie, you’re quite right. I was mainly thinking about Brents comment:
“As a believer in God and Christ and considering myself saved, I have to say tht this article…
…was one of the funniest thongs I have read in a long, long time. 7/10 boners for you, Mr. Brockway.”
Most people act like normal people, commenting on an occasionally funny article.
July 31st, 2009 at 8:23 pm
This is great thanks!
July 31st, 2009 at 3:14 pm
Hahaha, well this article certainly made my day.
July 31st, 2009 at 2:53 pm
Life is way too serious. We need to laugh and enjoy our lives. Proverbs 17:22. Humor is an equal opportunity employer and nothing should be off limits. However Comedy must be funny. I seriously doubt this person actually read the Bible. Maybe he read a couple of pages and then quit because there weren’t any pictures. The Bible is a gold mine of comedic material just waiting to exploit. I could say I read the works of Shakespeare and say, “I don’t know what the big deal is. It’s ok, but it isn’t anything special.” Someone else who read it could love it. Almost every book has words in them. Every word is comprised of letters. I could take all of those letters, count them, and base my “good literature criteria” on the works with the highest letter count. What I’m trying to say is: Religious belief aside, you can take the Bible for what you see; words on paper, a masterpiece, mass manipulation, or anything you like. All viewpoints are valid, but what they really express is how you see it and not the actual work.
July 31st, 2009 at 1:07 pm
Now Nate, that was strangely and incredibly eloquent for a comment.
What the fuck do you think you’re doing you stupid douchebag?
Eloquence? Kindness? Understanding? OPINION? on a comment board?
Leave Nate, and never come back.
Also, just wanted to throw this jab in, cunt muffin, you are a cunt muffin.
Good article, I was worried it was totally generic (everyone uses the “I just read a book, might not of heard of it, really underground, it’s the bible?” joke.)
but you took it in a nice direction, could’ve gone more in depth with the review (I’m starting to suspect you aren’t a real reviewer Brockway.) The “Apostles of Funk” thing, actually gave me wood. Just imagining how awesomely sextacular (It’s a word, trust me) it would be for that. Jesus on Bass and vocals, that guy next to Jesus is obviously the devil, so he’s on guitar, and God gets Drums and somehow keyboard (he can do it, he’s god).
then, with the most powerful supergroup since Cream, they tour the world, imagine the sing along choruses, the stadium anthems, the indie and folk albums for artistic hipster merit!
“Repent! (in the back, devil and god singing harmony of “he’s your saviour, he’s your saviour!”)
GUITAR SOLO
biddly boo tiddly diddly.
And no, I don’t have any idea what a guitar sounds like.
July 31st, 2009 at 10:17 am
I do believe that the author of this review’s intent was to write a humor filled piece while reading the bible objectively, do not however let this fuel anyones fire as to make fun of christians, he is giving a review you are just bashing. and im sorry lisa but the reason why you dont see muslims handing out the qoran or jews handing out the torah is because America is predominantly christian, go to another country once say the same thing you just said about some of these other religions and they will have you stoned!!! just saying your first paragraph response is appropriate but unless you have been to these other countries and can honestly say you have not seen religion roaming the streets and being preached dont talk about it. every religion in this world has its flaws and those flaws usually stem from someone having so much faith in that religion they feel it is necessary to let others know. when in your life have you ever felt so strongly about something that you feel you need to let others know about it?? i highly doubt you can say never.
July 31st, 2009 at 9:32 am
Hilarious. Truly, a work of art
July 31st, 2009 at 9:08 am
Just because the author finds amusement in The Bible (C), does not mean it is an atheist article. Being atheist means you are completely without theism, or a belief in a God. The article takes the book from an objective point of view. Simply because the article doesn’t review the book from a religious view does not mean that it is atheist. The author is simply reading the book as if it were any other book.
The article isn’t necessarily “making fun” of Christians either (ccdev). It is simply showing how The Bible would be taken if it was read as another novel, instead of a religious text. And, quite frankly, even if it was “making fun” of the Christians, they are the most prevalent religion in the U.S. We don’t have to deal with Muslims knocking on our doors and asking us to be “saved,” or Jews passing out the Torah at street corners and asking us to come to temple with them. Christianity is by all means the most annoying religion in the U.S. and thus deserves the most razzing.
July 31st, 2009 at 9:02 am
The best defense against Christianity is a good Christian Education
so please read your bibles, we need more atheists !
July 31st, 2009 at 9:00 am
The Bible…pwned. Please tell me the Christians are frothing over this as much as the Bible you can write in! They’re so precious!
July 31st, 2009 at 8:24 am
Brilliant. Religious humor without flatout belief bashing.
Thanks for not shying away from a sensitive topic just because there are tons of conservative Christians wandering around the internet, trying to find their Sarah Palin fansites.
July 31st, 2009 at 7:57 am
@ V: I’m sorry, but “Why would Christians find this offensive?” is a dumb question.
While it may not insult the Holy Bible, the article regards it as a piece of fiction. Christians whose lives are dominated by the Bible’s philosophies could find that blasphemous and disrespectful. In other terms, NOT something for a Christian magazine.
And I seriously don’t think the people saying “I’m a Christian but I found this funny anyway” aren’t seeking attention or to seem less uptight. Maybe they’re, I don’t know, commenting on the article? Complimenting Rob? Acting like normal people?
July 31st, 2009 at 5:16 am
Well, I’m sure the Jews don’t regard the OT as just a setup for the real story. They regard it as the basis on which they can kick shit out of the people they found living in judea last century when they returned. Kind like how they used to kick shit out of the samaritans after they returned from their excursion in what is now Iraq (*theres* irony for you!).
The language is brilliant thanks mainly to a man named Wycliffe who translated it into english from the original japanese.
Oh - and any book review that misses discussing the revelation has missed comedic gold. A dystopian future, where the lucky ones are forced to tell God over and over again for eternity just how awesome he is, while watching through the glass floor the endless torment of the unlucky ones in hell. Talk about a motivation program! God is finally revealed as a rather nasty oriental despot, who has his political enemies tortured.
Rather like Saddam.
July 31st, 2009 at 4:18 am
I’m no Christian but your article wasn’t funny, clever or original. You’ve merely taken certain atheist views and attempted to put a comedic twist on them. Pick up a few journals relating to Religious Studies and you will see what I mean. Yes we all know the Bible (and many other religious texts) contains some crazy sh*t and stories which when looked at objectively do sound like Harry Potter sh*t! But if we took every religious text literally and as historical fact I think we would be missing the essence of religion, which is not so much about whether in fact someone parted the Dead Sea or not, but the message or lesson behind it. That’s all that religion is, myth+ritual+symbolism=meaning and world view. Its not so much about having faith that Jesus really rose from the dead, but its about having faith in the underlying “message” stemming from the myth/story. Good attempt though, now do the Quran…
July 31st, 2009 at 3:41 am
I consider myself agnosticm and even though I’ve liked almost every Brockway article very much, this one wasn’t really good. And you Christians “surprising” people by saying how you weren’t offended by this article (to prove that Christians aren’t that uptight?), why would you be offended by this article?? This article could just as well have been written for a Christian magazine…which is a shame…cause they’re utter sh**e.
July 31st, 2009 at 1:37 am
Hello there Robert,
I found your reveiw of the Bible refreshing. You said what you think and yes the Bible is a great book to read.
With regard your comment about the sudden deaths and so on especially of John the Baptist, well sometimes life and death can be like that and really the writers were just reporting what happened at the time. Some things they couldn’t change.
Well yes thanks I really enjoyed reading your review, I’m sure God enjoyed it too. He’s really big at forgiving small discrepancies, and big ones when he knows the heart of the person is well meaning.
All good wishes, and God Bless,
Dorothy
July 31st, 2009 at 12:57 am
c’mon, i dare ya…..meoowwwww……
July 31st, 2009 at 12:56 am
Making fun of christians, yawn….i see that every day. C’mon, try it with the muslims. Otherwise, there should be a “Top Ten list of the biggest PUSSIES at Cracked”.
July 30th, 2009 at 11:31 pm
I feel that I must also say to my fellow talkbackers (even my fellow Christian ones), read the Bible for yourselves!!! Don’t rely on a priest, or a pastor, or even your parents. Read it, realize that it may have flaws, as well as great points and lessons, and draw your own conclusions.
July 30th, 2009 at 11:27 pm
Brockway, you are amazing. Three in a row. Well done sir.
July 30th, 2009 at 10:05 pm
I kind of took your amusing albeit short rendering as having a “catholic/orthodox” feel…
I dont remember jesus saying he was God when i read it.
July 30th, 2009 at 9:27 pm
We came into Moses’ story reading The Grapes of Wrath, then wham! Moses finds out he’s a Jew and shit goes totally Harry Potter.
I cried. Hilarious.
July 30th, 2009 at 8:49 pm
They actually have Sparknotes for both the Old and New Testaments. I’ve flipped through them
July 30th, 2009 at 6:52 pm
Thanks for the laugh. You summed it up brilliantly. I think I’ll buy the Cliff’s Notes, myself.
July 30th, 2009 at 6:41 pm
don’t get me wrong, I love the bible. it makes great tinder
July 30th, 2009 at 6:41 pm
it’s great how the bible’s bullshit can be called on page 1.
god says let there be light, then a couple of days later creates then sun.
um, yeah sure, that happened
July 30th, 2009 at 5:11 pm
True dat iron, for e.g the book of Enoch is the bees knees. Wanna know who the frilly heck Lamech is and why he wounded a young man or why he had to be avenged seventy times seven if anyone dared lay a finger on him? Well then, Enoch knows.
July 30th, 2009 at 2:24 pm
“… a lot of the set up has to be taken on faith.”
brilliant.
July 30th, 2009 at 1:49 pm
man have you had a look at some of the early drafts? some good stuff in that too. that editor Constantine threw out a lot of cool shit.
July 30th, 2009 at 1:35 pm
I love you so much.
July 30th, 2009 at 1:26 pm
As a believer in God and Christ and considering myself saved, I have to say tht this article…
…was one of the funniest thongs I have read in a long, long time. 7/10 boners for you, Mr. Brockway.
July 30th, 2009 at 12:36 pm
Lowlow you are an idiot. This is a comedic article, not a fucking atheist analysis of the bible.
July 30th, 2009 at 12:24 pm
Fantastically written article! It’s refreshing to read some religious comedy that doesn’t deeply offend anyone (on either side of the religious argument) for once.
July 30th, 2009 at 12:17 pm
I’m a Catholic and I found this pretty funny. It’s funny to see the Bible as just a normal book. Great article man keep it up.
July 30th, 2009 at 12:16 pm
Oh now that is freaken awesome.
July 30th, 2009 at 10:58 am
very funny and well written. it’s a damn shame that this article is illigal in ireland
July 30th, 2009 at 10:47 am
Holy Shit! What a great article! You were the man Brockway!+
Can Swaim come back now that there is an open office?
Gem and lowlow, you’re close but God/Jesus was an alien, not a time-traveler.
July 30th, 2009 at 10:41 am
I think this is one of a few articles here in Cracked that I have seen written with inteligent humor rather than just making fun of nerdoes and quotting things about internet culture. Maybe Mr Brockaway is a christian himself or has christian family. You did the article from an objective point of view, adding your usual spice of humour. As a christian myself I agree with the others that you made without offending anyone… CONGRATULATIONS!
July 30th, 2009 at 10:21 am
I’m sorry, but I think the opening lines are a weak attempt to steal the the lyrics of AC/DCs »Let There Be Rock«. The author of the Bible obviously thried to hide this by leaving out everything except for »let there be light«. I’m a little bit disappointed.
July 30th, 2009 at 9:56 am
I counted no more than three offended Christians and dozens of athiests making fun of ALL Christians.
Interesting
maybe it’s not us people of faith who take ourselves too seriously. As I said waaaaay at the bottom, funny article. Leave it at that, most of us are quite simply not educated enough on how the bible was written or what it says in the cultural context it was written or how it has been interpretted in the past 4000 years to be able to argue its merits. Quit harping on religion and enjoy an hilarious article
July 30th, 2009 at 9:48 am
lowlow, your last paragraph is awesome.
“As for the “confusing” “God is his own Son” bit, that’s a gross over simplification. Obviously God is a time-traveler, created the universe, then knocked up Mary, and told Joe to take responsibility for his kid, Jesus, who then went back in time to create the universe DUH!”
That’s pretty great buddy!
July 30th, 2009 at 9:31 am
One could do the Quran, but I doubt the Cracked readership is as familiar w/ it as it is w/ the Bible - so subtle or quasi subtle jokes would just go over people’s heads, and one would have to resort to the crudest forms of 20-pound-hammer-between-the-eyes humor to come out even quasi funny
July 30th, 2009 at 8:56 am
Obviously this kid didn’t really read the bible. Otherwise he’d have a LOT more to say about the rape, incest, murder, torture, warfare, infanticide and insanity that the Lord encourages in his name. Not to mention the blatant self-contradictions that run wild thought the whole novel making the entire thing a near incomprehensible mess. He also skipped over the BORING recording of whom beget whom, beget whom; the only reason that this book breaks 1000 pages is the ridicules genealogy.
As for the “confusing” “God is his own Son” bit, that’s a gross over simplification. Obviously God is a time-traveler, created the universe, then knocked up Mary, and told Joe to take responsibility for his kid, Jesus, who then went back in time to create the universe DUH!
July 30th, 2009 at 7:43 am
@Wayne: Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy references are never not awesome.
July 30th, 2009 at 7:30 am
nice job.
as a decout Christian i gotta say this was funny without being offensive. i appreciate how much easier it would be to write a crude article with the same theme.
i hope your room in hell is nice..
July 30th, 2009 at 7:23 am
Robert,
You are Awesome.
CC
July 30th, 2009 at 6:10 am
Nerivis said it best. some of those people are just freaks…
some might think that’s a bit harsh. to those people i say: watch Jesus Camp.
July 30th, 2009 at 5:57 am
brilliant!
July 30th, 2009 at 5:42 am
Very good, Mr. Brockway. Very good!
I was raised as a christian, and yet I think this article is awesome.
July 30th, 2009 at 5:36 am
Very funny. You should send this review to Richard Dawkins. I’m sure he’d really dig it.
July 30th, 2009 at 3:46 am
Nerivis: How original.
July 30th, 2009 at 3:44 am
yes, i’m christian, yes, i liked this article.
and i’m very suprised no flame war has started yet.
July 30th, 2009 at 3:42 am
It’s not God that I have a problem with; it’s his fan club that I can’t stand.
July 30th, 2009 at 3:33 am
AWESOME review ^________^ it almost makes me want to read the bible as a storybook. But I think Ill stick with Bridget Jones and Artemis Fowl for now.
July 30th, 2009 at 3:10 am
lol. I love the part where Jesus is a ripoof of neo
July 30th, 2009 at 2:08 am
Awesome.
July 30th, 2009 at 1:45 am
I find it interesting that when you got turned into a cloud of sulfur you were able to hold the shift key whilst hitting A-G-B-L-K
July 30th, 2009 at 1:35 am
a skillful satire on a very delicate subject. awesomely done, brockway.
July 30th, 2009 at 1:20 am
This was brilliant! A catholic boarding school girl myself, I have heard and spread my share of bible jokes. But this review put them all to shame: not crude or obnoxious, hilarious, and completely true. Good on ya mate!
July 30th, 2009 at 12:25 am
i’m amazed… down there in the comments “redjimmy” advocated (or at least was not opposed) to the execution of homosexuals and not one other person even blinked in his direction.
see, that’s why i find the bible terrifying (and yes, after 7 years in a religious school, i’d read the whole damn thing over and over and ov….). the problem isn’t that the entire focus is on killing people the authors don’t like, it’s actually that the verses about executing random people are these small almost throw away things just hidden in there. one second you think you’re reading a manual for how a husband can avoid his wife getting all PMS on his ass (note: just kick her out of town for awhile, it’s all good), and then *bam* “stone disobedient children” out of left field… now, on to how to bury your fecal matter. it’s almost sociopathic how these rules of who needs to die are so casually slipped in without a single moment to say exactly why death is an appropriate punishment for minor offenses (or why you should consider them offenses at all). “god said these people suck, kill them for him if you wouldn’t mind” seems good enough.
some christians claim they only follow the new testament and not the old, but come on, why is it there? christians use the new testament to convince people they’re just good charitable helpful people, but then hurl out the old testament when they feel like fucking shit up.
(and yes, i know that up there i placed various topics from leviticus out of order, it was to make a point. also, some christians are actually good and kind people, but don’t go using them to get all the rest off the hook)
July 30th, 2009 at 12:23 am
Awesome. This is the first time i’ve actually considered reading the Bible. As soon as you mentioned Ronnie James Dio i was just like ’sweet’.
It’ll have to wait until the next time i stay at a hotel though, i’m pretty sure none of my family own the big book of God.
July 30th, 2009 at 12:06 am
Very nice. While it makes fun of a major world religion and borders on insulting those who practice, it never crosses that line. That’s what makes this article so good.
Honestly, this review made me pick up the book and start reading it.
Also as a Muslim, I wouldn’t mind seeing the review of a Qur’an written in the same light
July 29th, 2009 at 11:57 pm
You people who are prodding him to poke fun at the Qur’an fail to realize that no one would get the jokes. Have you read it? Would you get subtle references? For most of you that’s a “no,” because most of you have grown up in the West, the culture of which is inundated with references to the holy Christian text, and none of the others. This is still a comedy site, and if no one gets the jokes, what good would the article be?
And as for the person who said they’d advocate executing homosexuals (can’t be bothered to go back and find your name), you’re probably just a troll, but you can feel free to go impale yourself regardless.
July 29th, 2009 at 11:05 pm
Ah, very nice. Pokes fun at Christianity without being offensive. Also, meowpow, what in the name of Yahweh are you saying?
July 29th, 2009 at 10:37 pm
There’s this part near the end, where the life story of Jesus is told from four different perspectives, like Rashomon. Except they’re not different, in fact they’re almost the same, so what was the point of that?
July 29th, 2009 at 10:31 pm
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July 29th, 2009 at 9:43 pm
“Oh, and though there are some hints of a sequel (a Second Coming is mentioned a few times), I wouldn’t hold my breath if I were you–no official deals have been signed at this time.”
Technically, the New Testament IS a sequel. What you’re waiting for is the book to complete the trilogy: the EVEN NEWER Testament!
July 29th, 2009 at 8:48 pm
I give it 10 out of 7 boners.
July 29th, 2009 at 8:45 pm
The Holy Bible: A Book Review…
Hey, guess what? I actually read a book! You know, those things that are like really long Cracked articles but with like 80 percent less pictures of titties? Well I tried one of those, and it was pretty good. In fact, it was fantastic! You may have eve…
July 29th, 2009 at 8:40 pm
Awesome article, it was the kind of humour that pokes fun at something without being obnoxiously offensive.
The only bad part about this article is the comments. Cracked should consider disabling comments on articles related to religion, or else hire a team of ninjas to hunt down and sterilize everyone who thinks arguments in the comment section of a comedy article on the internet will do anything positive for the world.
July 29th, 2009 at 8:34 pm
So, does anybody else find it ironic that King James was way gay?
July 29th, 2009 at 8:34 pm
This was better when Jay Pinkerton wrote it.
July 29th, 2009 at 8:32 pm
i saw this coming. it was just inevitable. what holy greatness of review
July 29th, 2009 at 8:29 pm
@zaron5551 - That’s the second Ayn Rand joke coming out of nowhere I’ve read today.
July 29th, 2009 at 8:28 pm
I give this seven out of ten boners
July 29th, 2009 at 8:25 pm
to those saying ‘bible is for pussies, do the koran’ have you not seen a doco on some christians? Like the ones who think harry potter is evil? and who assume all soldiers are homosexual (like thats a bad thing) for some reason? etc, etc…
every religion (and aetheists) has a few maniacs.
July 29th, 2009 at 8:24 pm
I don’t see how anyone with a humorous bone in their body could dislike that article. It’s a funny topic without even considering how well the article was written, but the tone absolutely MADE it, the way Brockway treated it like any other book and didn’t let it slide for its wordiness XD
This was excellent, and just like anything great, I wanted more when I was finished. Good work.
July 29th, 2009 at 8:21 pm
=D awesome review with excellent comparisons. makes the bible sound interesting.
July 29th, 2009 at 8:15 pm
Do a review of the Koran if you are not pussies. anybody can make fun of Christians, show some balls and make fun of Muslims
July 29th, 2009 at 8:13 pm
I’m a Christian and I can appreciate your humorous take on the Bible…Just to add to the few of them who’ve already commented….^_^
July 29th, 2009 at 8:09 pm
Brilliant.
July 29th, 2009 at 8:06 pm
the bible is drier than an ayn rand novel
July 29th, 2009 at 8:06 pm
This article is ridiculous. Your perversion of the bible was not amusing.
July 29th, 2009 at 8:05 pm
Dude, the Holy Bible like totally ROCKS!
RT
http://www.anon-web-tools.tk
July 29th, 2009 at 8:03 pm
You forgot to mention the Missing last page of the Bible that was recently discovered, which reads -
“The characters in this novel are fictitious and any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental.”
July 29th, 2009 at 8:00 pm
Good work! Now how about you guys show some real balls and do a review on the Koran?
July 29th, 2009 at 7:54 pm
yes, everyone should read it at least once…really READ it
July 29th, 2009 at 7:49 pm
Why does it seem like there are always more atheists on the internet than in real life?
Anyway. I give the review 8/10 boners, and the actual book 3/10 boners. Reason?: TL;DR. ^_^
July 29th, 2009 at 7:30 pm
Haha, Serendib Sorcerer. Good card. xD
July 29th, 2009 at 7:00 pm
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July 29th, 2009 at 6:42 pm
I’m rather impressed by this, being a Christian. There’s hardly an offense but rather quite hysterical. Great job Cracked! I almost have newly restored faith in you!
July 29th, 2009 at 6:30 pm
I think this is the most positive comment section I have ever seen on the internet. I was not expecting that at all, but I guess it makes sense seeing as how you approached the line of bad taste but didn’t cross it.
July 29th, 2009 at 6:18 pm
lol @ amateur scholar wee willie! I’m guessing the little guy found the word vernacular in a thesaurus because he certainly hasn’t read the Bible before. A solitary verse all of a sudden becomes the ‘bulk’ of the thing.
Turophiliac, look up leviticus 20:13 - the Catholic Church didn’t invent that one.
I mean, I’d fully support the execution of homosexuals, but I don’t need a Bible to justify it.
July 29th, 2009 at 6:15 pm
really good. nice work.
July 29th, 2009 at 5:57 pm
I lol’d.
Sorry Robert, Penn Jillette actually reviewed the bible before you.
Penn: Take some time and put the Bible on your Summer reading list. Try and stick with it cover to cover. Not because it teaches history, we’ve shown you it doesn’t. Read it because you’ll see for yourself what the Bible is all about. It sure isn’t great literature. If it were published as fiction, no reviewer would give it a passing grade. There are some vivid scenes and some quotable phrases, but there’s no plot, no structure, there’s a tremendous amount of filler, and the characters are painfully one-dimensional. Whatever you do, don’t read the Bible for a moral code: it advocates prejudice, cruelty, superstition, and murder. Read it because we need more atheists, and nothing will get you there faster than reading the damn Bible
July 29th, 2009 at 5:35 pm
Haha xD
It’s a good review, makes me want to read it from where i left off (that whole week in god’s life was just soo boring).
July 29th, 2009 at 5:16 pm
I approve of this article.
July 29th, 2009 at 5:15 pm
Also, Ashley-
The bible was written from BCE times to about 200 to 300 CE. The US was started in 1776 CE. How did the US steal the Bible?
July 29th, 2009 at 5:13 pm
I loved it. The best book review i have ever read, not just for the bible. But Wee, the philosophy isn’t fu@#ed. the message is clear in all the stories of non believers being killed: Anger God and there will be a price. I have read through the Bible, and never did I find a passage about killing homosexuals. that was, imo, and invention of the catholic church from the whole “sex is only for marriage between a man and woman”. and dealing with slaves was a big deal back then, because almost everyone had them. Also, if you’re an athiest, how are you an amateur Bible scholar?
July 29th, 2009 at 5:12 pm
Wee Willie,
When you say “amateur” Bible scholar, you’re really giving yourself too much credit. To say that the majority of the Bible describes killing homosexuals dealing with slaves is ridiculous. There are few stories so delicately assembled and widely misunderstood. Judging by your post, you have zero understanding. I might be an amateur boxer, but I at least no how to step through the ropes and get into the ring.
July 29th, 2009 at 5:09 pm
Were you just asking for a flame war?!?!?!
You are much braver than I.
But you did make a believer out of me brockaway I thought you were just a D.O.B. wannabe but no not anymore.
Heil Brockaway
July 29th, 2009 at 5:06 pm
To Wee Willy–
It’s pretty obvious that you’re an ‘amateur’ Bible scholar, cause you apparently only know a handful of stories that are BLISSFULLY taken out of context.
Try reading the Bible. To say that the “MAJORITY” of the Bible is about ANY of the things you said is to completely negate like 90% of the Bible. Perhaps before you spew more garbage around you ought to try reading it for yourself.
July 29th, 2009 at 5:03 pm
Nice review, but the Holy Bible totally ripped off part of the plot of an earlier Israeli book called the Torah, especially in the early part of the book. I mean, there are whole sections that were taken out, translated, and used verbatim.
I guess it’s just another case of the U.S. just ripping off the best of the rest of the world’s culture. They’re even stealing fantasy books now.
July 29th, 2009 at 4:51 pm
Every single word was pure comedic gold.
Possibly my favourite Cracked article EVER.
Well done, Brockway, you magnificent bastard.
Oh, and…
Hot enough for ya?
P.
July 29th, 2009 at 4:47 pm
I lol’d …. just like that.
Brockway, what the fuck is with you? how do you come up with this stuff, its just hilariously genious hahaha
July 29th, 2009 at 4:03 pm
This is the best book review of the Bible I have ever read.
I am an atheist and an amateur Bible scholar and I think you perfectly used common vernacular to give a succinct overview of the text.
I just wish that so called, “Christians” would read the fu@#ing Bible and realize how fu@#ed the philosophy is. Sure, there’s some good nuggets like Jesus saying, “love one another as I have loved you” - but the majority of the stories are about killing non believers, getting circumcised, killing homosexuals, how to deal with slaves, killing children who make fun of prophets, having sex with your daughters… (and the most boring part of the Bible) who is related to whom…
The Bible would never make Oprah’s book list if it was written today…
I really appreciate this book review both for it’s silliness and it’s seriousness.
July 29th, 2009 at 3:58 pm
I bet Robert Brockway thought of this, and decided it was a great idea, and decided to write it, and by the time he realised it wasn’t actually all that funny or interesting, it was too late. So now we know why there are no reviews of the Bible on the Internet. Still, congratulations for not being annoying. Sometimes Robert Brockway is annoying.
July 29th, 2009 at 3:52 pm
beautiful
just beautiful
July 29th, 2009 at 3:42 pm
Oh, the bible. I heard about it. Sounds like cheap Sci-Fi. I like Jules Verne better …
July 29th, 2009 at 3:41 pm
lol compleate genius XD great job
July 29th, 2009 at 3:30 pm
By the way rest of comments, I’m not encouraging him to offend people just for the sake of offending them. The bible IS awesome even if I don’t agree with every word, I just would have liked more highlighting of modern misinterpretations, like the “Jesus was basically a socialist” part.
July 29th, 2009 at 3:28 pm
I’m catholic but this article was awesome!! one of the brockway’s best
July 29th, 2009 at 3:27 pm
A genius idea, but it hardly went far enough for Brockway to explode in a cloud of sulfur. If you’re going to write a book review of the Bible, you’re going to have to offend some sensibilities at least a little bit. But this is just a quick little light comedy article, not hardcore satire, so I guess I can’t blame you. Anyways, good article.
July 29th, 2009 at 3:22 pm
Another Christian here. That was funny. I like the line about Moses going all “Harry Potter”
July 29th, 2009 at 3:16 pm
I expected this to be riddled with blasphemy and meanness, but actually it was delightful! Way to be hilarious without stooping. I’m sure God is lol’ing too (I mean, She made giraffes, so we know She has a sense of humor).
July 29th, 2009 at 3:01 pm
Amazing article, you really must like having enemies though Brockway. In all honesty you must have received some hate mail after this right?
July 29th, 2009 at 3:00 pm
I want to read this book. Thank you Mr. Brockway.
July 29th, 2009 at 2:53 pm
Haha. As a Christian and a book-lover and I found this article hilarious. Way to go writing your book review, dude! Sorry about the burning sulfur thing.
July 29th, 2009 at 2:50 pm
My favorite book ever. I quote it all the time and I read it to random people in the street.
July 29th, 2009 at 2:43 pm
I havn’t read the book but I have seen the movie, I think they left out a few important things.
July 29th, 2009 at 2:42 pm
There was a thing that bugged me about the second part; we’re basically told the same story four times. It could be an interesting literary device, if the narrators were four distinct personalities, who see stuff differently, a Rashomon kind of thing. But it’s pretty much the same, except maybe that John guy.
July 29th, 2009 at 2:35 pm
Excellent article.
And I agree with people, I scanned the comments and did not see people of faith overreacting to this. Calm down, nontheists, lest you give us all a bad name.
And thanks, Brockway, for pointing out what The South does not want to see:
JESUS WAS A SOCIALIST.
That should fan some flames. >:)
July 29th, 2009 at 2:34 pm
usually i dont like your stuff, but this article was pretty good. maybe the first article you’ve done that i liked.
July 29th, 2009 at 2:25 pm
@Leo:
Book of Mormon? Please, that’s nothing but bad fan fiction, doesn’t fit the canon at all.
Anyway great review, but I’m surprised you don’t mention the ending. Maybe you’re trying to avoid spoilers, but I hardly think it matters. Sure, Stanley Kubrick fans will probably think it’s genius, but everyone else is left dazed and wondering what the hell just happened.
And I should mention that the story really bogs down about halfway through the Book of Exodus (the story is divided into “books” which are further split into chapters - weird, but you get used to it) and doesn’t really pick up again until you get to Joshua. Really, the Author could have used some help from a good editor right there. Do we really need this much detail on how to build an “Ark of the Covenant”? Twice? Just tighten up the story there would really help the reader out a lot. Just saying.
July 29th, 2009 at 2:24 pm
Scott, what are “masturbation atheists”? I’ve never met one of those - do they have hairy palms?
July 29th, 2009 at 2:23 pm
Ok, Brockway, I’m a Christian and that was really, truly hilarious. Of course I knew you would die on the spot for it, but at least I got 5 or 10 minutes of laughter out of it, so it was way worth it, thanks!
July 29th, 2009 at 2:19 pm
wow. I apreciate your sensitivity to cultural issues Brockaway. No jokes. Thanks for not slamming us (Christians) too hard. I saw you leave out some pretty tempting jokes.
That being said where are all these “offended christians lol omfg they’re so dumb to have faith” i keep hearing about???
all i see is people rolling with the punches and accepting this for what it is. Not an oportunity to start a shit war about faith. A JOKE!!!
THAT being said srry for even writing this in responce. I promised myself i wouldn’t ever write one of these “Leave Brittany alone!!!”
comments but whatever. I’m already halfway through writing it so i might as well finish. Jesus loves us all. Enjoy the mountain dew and masterbation athiests
July 29th, 2009 at 2:16 pm
Have you heard of the cheap remakes of this book? Pretty infuriatig they would wanna remake a classic. It’s like remaking “the matrix”; just not done….
Anyway 10 outa 10 boners for this article
July 29th, 2009 at 2:12 pm
tristan, agnosticism and atheism are contradictory in their core belief on the subject of the existence of God. You cant be both, just one or the other. You should probably figure it out.
July 29th, 2009 at 1:56 pm
“If he were dying, he wouldn’t /write/ ‘aaaauugh’, he’d just /say/ it.”
“Perhaps he was dictating!”
July 29th, 2009 at 1:14 pm
haha nice article well done
July 29th, 2009 at 1:06 pm
There are really very few comments one can make on an article like this without sounding pedantic, presumptuous or pretentious.
I lol’d anyway.
July 29th, 2009 at 1:01 pm
Quality article! Very informative, too!
I choose, for once, NOT to look at the comments. I know they’ll just make me mad.
P.S. “at one point the whole story grinds to a halt so the Jesus character can give some sort of “sermon” on this “mount”-like thing that is little more than liberal propaganda extolling the benefits of a welfare state” make me spit out the beer I wish I was drinking.
July 29th, 2009 at 12:59 pm
I only give the bible 4 out of 10 boners. It reminded me too much of Chronicles of Narnia, and came with a free Creed CD. I wasn’t happy about littering with that, but I really didn’t want anyone to see me with it.
July 29th, 2009 at 12:56 pm
I have a sense of humor my children… not to worry.
After all… I invented fat chicks! http://neilsnotes.com/index.php?page=13&catid=4&sku=ENGL-CD00260
July 29th, 2009 at 12:54 pm
Ah, that was great. I love that you reviewed this centuries old book for what it is; a fictional story.
July 29th, 2009 at 12:43 pm
Did I miss something? A bunch of these comments all say ‘Haha, lulz, look @ da stupid Kristians bein offended!’ but all I see are a buncha people saying they’re Christians and they still thought it was funny. Jesus H, you do find the stupidest people here.
July 29th, 2009 at 12:41 pm
@Samuel Brooks
He wasn’t saying Lazarus was the zombie.
July 29th, 2009 at 12:39 pm
To those saying he should review the Qur’an: that would be the most boring review ever, it’s just a book of poems about how great God is or some bullshit.
July 29th, 2009 at 12:36 pm
Holy crap that was HILARIOUS. I looovvvvee the editor’s note at the end….
absolutely amazing.
July 29th, 2009 at 12:33 pm
BRILLIANT.
Just brilliant.
July 29th, 2009 at 12:31 pm
Haha, great. I am sure other people have said this (I have not read the comments below) but maybe one reason that there is no review on the book as a whole is because there are many versions of the book AND, more importantly, the book itself was not created as an entire document, rather a collection of stories/lessons/books that was later joined together by religious leaders. Understanding this, many of the comments you made, particularly regarding verbosity, are irrelevant, as one book was not written by the author of another and/or in consideration of the other. It is rare to find a review of a book that is created as such, correct?
On the other hand, those who are religious may disagree…believing that the book is divinely inspired to be as such, in which case your comments would become relevant. God was making the clear inconsistencies you mentioned above. At the same time, however, those who believe it is divinely inspired would not read and/or give credit to your critique, as you would be analyzing God’s work.
Either way, I never realized that the Bible had not been reviewed (this makes sense) and good job at your attempt. I had a good time reading this and your ending humor was appreciated.
July 29th, 2009 at 12:28 pm
I’m a Christian, and I liked this.
It actually seems like something someone would write if they didn’t realize the book was nonfiction (for the sake of Atheists reading this, “nonfiction” refers to it being written by people who believed that it was true, and it is not necessarily fact, though I believe it to be).
I also like the fact that you encourage people to read the Bible.
Your attention to detail was great, especially with the complaint that John the Baptist’s death was mentioned so passively.
The little perhaps-slightly-blasphemous gags, like referring to Lazarus as a zombie, describing God as a dark anti-hero, etc. have the quality (which I find wonderfully common on Cracked) of knowing that you don’t have to be excessively offensive to make the joke work.
5/5 for the article.
July 29th, 2009 at 12:28 pm
What’s with all the atheist bashing? Why would all the atheists get their panties into a twist over something that’s clearly supposed to be comedic? (Furthermore, why would they get upset over something making fun of the Bible?)
Methinks a number of posts have been deleted from here, since I haven’t come across too many overtly inflammatory posts (Christian or otherwise).
I thought the article was funny. It just about sums up the Bible, in so many words.
July 29th, 2009 at 12:22 pm
“Watch for Zombies”!!!!!
July 29th, 2009 at 12:15 pm
I would read a copy of the bible according to David Foster Wallace, but it would take like 10 years because it would be about 7000 pages long. Also, Wallace is died, so it would have to be written by his zombie corpse, which could be an improvement or it could just involve a lot more brains being eaten.
July 29th, 2009 at 12:11 pm
great article Rob! (and without even taking a gander on all the comments on this, i can already tell they are debating with the religious people rather than comment on this article haha) Anyways, i give this article 7 out of 10 boners
July 29th, 2009 at 12:09 pm
Mr. Brockway, I salute you for your noble sacrifices to the world of internet humour. You will be missed.
July 29th, 2009 at 12:08 pm
@the various “I dare you to do the Koran” comments:
All of you are idiots. Brockway didn’t actually sit down and read the Bible cover to cover for this, and I’m sure he wouldn’t do that for the Koran either. Christianity gets made fun of because everybody in America is familiar with it, not just because it is an easy target.
Trying to imply that if Brockway does this to Islam, they will come after him doesn’t make you better, it makes you a passive-aggressive racist cunt. “Oh look at us Christians! We’re so cool that we can take a joke like this, haha I know why you won’t do this to Muslims, they’ll come after you! Wow We’re way better than them aren’t we!”
July 29th, 2009 at 12:03 pm
@Opalfire:
HAH.
p.s. there arent that many pissed off christians, but more people saying to take it as a joke.
as a (former) catholic i took it as a joke, and god’s a pretty understanding guy. he’s probly like OMG, NBD.
July 29th, 2009 at 11:58 am
Seriously!
July 29th, 2009 at 11:56 am
I don’t label myself, so I was pretty neutral to this article. (apparent required disclaimer for justification)
The article was pretty funny, but the comment section is outrageous.
7/10 for the article, 8/10 for the comments.
July 29th, 2009 at 11:54 am
“You Mom is a whore. I know!”
What? No…”ASK ME HOW!”? That’s like pulling it out and finishing with a handjob. Needs a punchline.
July 29th, 2009 at 11:48 am
You can’t have rape… unless you go ape.
July 29th, 2009 at 11:47 am
You Mom is a whore. I know!
July 29th, 2009 at 11:46 am
“I am looking forward to a similar review of the Koran here on Cracked.com.”
Gets my vote!
But will the Satanic Verses be left out? Or the child rape? Stay tuned!
July 29th, 2009 at 11:44 am
“lord of the rings was written by christian, u know”
Aaaaaaand? Therefore god is real? Therfore the Bible is non-fiction? Therefore WHAT, lucas?
July 29th, 2009 at 11:42 am
hahahah awesome post. Very well written, was fun to read.
July 29th, 2009 at 11:42 am
…whether they know it or not.
Don’t you… you little Princesses?
BA-BOING!!!
July 29th, 2009 at 11:41 am
The best selling fantasy book ever.
July 29th, 2009 at 11:37 am
lol, look at all the pissed off Christians! That’s arguably (much) funnier than the actual column. Dear lord, i love how he treated the Bible, that was pretty funny… hmm, the comments + many funny moments of this article = THE ULTIMATE ARTICLE! : P
July 29th, 2009 at 11:33 am
@ ViciousTheChimp- Dude, I’m telling you that never happened. Jesus might have been odd but he was straight. Please don’t make the Bible out to be any goofier than it already is.
July 29th, 2009 at 11:32 am
I am looking forward to a similar review of the Koran here on Cracked.com.
July 29th, 2009 at 11:29 am
……….. Yeah, no words. at all. have I.
While I’m not the most religious man, this has “Go directly to Hell” stamped on it.
Well, since I laughed my ass off, I guess I’ll see you there (j/k, Big Guy! Ha HA!…. please let me into Heav-an).
July 29th, 2009 at 11:25 am
Brockway is probably shitting himself with laughter right now, reading all these offended Christians’ posts… I know I am.
I still have yet to understand how a group of people can be so bloody retarded they think a parable written thousands of years ago is non-fiction and that an old dude in the sky talks to us through burning bushes, yet they can still manage to use modern technology such as computers and cars as though 3/4 of their brains weren’t missing…
Yes, I’m agnostic/atheist, and even if I were Christian I would laugh at this rather than be offended because I appreciate true humor.
July 29th, 2009 at 11:25 am
[...] here’s a (blasphemous) book review of the Bible. It’s pretty [...]
July 29th, 2009 at 11:19 am
Ah, 21st century with its reviewing and toothpaste. Truly a magical time to live in.
July 29th, 2009 at 11:10 am
Snicker!!! http://neilsnotes.com/index.php?page=15&catid=46&sku=E-CD00334
July 29th, 2009 at 11:09 am
I’d listen if I were you! http://neilsnotes.com/index.php?page=13&catid=17&sku=ENGL-CD00409
July 29th, 2009 at 11:04 am
Lovin the Jesus Bro… lovin the Jesus!
http://neilsnotes.com/index.php?page=13&catid=17&sku=ENGL-CD00300
XOXO!
July 29th, 2009 at 11:03 am
lord of the rings was written by christian, u know
July 29th, 2009 at 10:55 am
me again, ima catholic so it was kinda offensive but screw that, its a cracked article! it was hilarious!
July 29th, 2009 at 10:55 am
@papajon: here’s the thing: why SHOULD we write something like this about the Koran? After all, the Koran was not a part of our growing up; it didn’t mold our view of the world; it did not have any part whatsoever in our education, and here’s the shocker: unlike Christianity, Islam did not play a main role in opressive ruling systems throughout the History of Western civilization.
Again: what would be the point of WE mocking the Koran?
Anyway, I don’t want to get all serious about this issue because, after all, this is CRACKED, but it’s so frustrating to find this “why-dont-you-do-the-same-to-Islam” bullshit everywhere.
July 29th, 2009 at 10:53 am
its not magic, i hope you were being sarcastic
July 29th, 2009 at 10:50 am
I was kind of offended here, as a devout Christian, but I was giving you some leeway cause, you know, it’s fucking Cracked.
It was actually kind of humorous up till the end, but then… then it was dongtacular.
July 29th, 2009 at 10:49 am
Every book reviewer got dragged to hell…
and I’d give it a ten. Cause the whole epically blow apart Sodom/Gwatitsnamecantspellit story and the part where there’s an epic enomorus battle at the end that Michael Bay would masturbate to.
July 29th, 2009 at 10:47 am
Nobody needs to know if you’re a damn Christian or not, if you’re happy to be, that’s great! Glad you found something that works for you. But it’s information that isn’t at all relevant to what most of you are saying. As if you have to be Christian to have read the Bible and relate to this?
“The article was funny!” The Fucking End.
By the way, the article was funny! Great job Brockway.
July 29th, 2009 at 10:41 am
There was too a sequel, just not by the original author. The publishers signed the copyrights over and made a sequel called the “Book of Mormon.” It’s a great tragedy where the Protagonist from the Holy Bible builds a nation in America that ultimately ends up destroying itself due to its own ignorance. Your left to see the Protagonist weep as His creation crumbles before His eyes, while He tries and fails to teach them how to save themselves. There’s a lot of great action, ripping tragedy, allegories, and symbolism. The author does quote directly from the Bible itself a little too often, but I still highly recommend it.
July 29th, 2009 at 10:41 am
Do one on the Qur’an.
July 29th, 2009 at 10:38 am
Brilliant like always Brockway. You are without a doubt the best writer on this site.
July 29th, 2009 at 10:36 am
I was laughing so loud at the magical jew part :DDD
July 29th, 2009 at 10:35 am
I was laughing at this article until my brother sneaked up behind me and started beating me with a bible screaming about how much God loves me and that I should show him the same love, during the brief moments that I slipped back into consciousness I realized that I was receiving another exorcism. Anyway, I digress, I would have given the article 6 out of 10 boners but bible beatings and exorcisms always give whatever earned them another two so 8 out of 10 woodies.
July 29th, 2009 at 10:26 am
hahahahaha i am a christian so i was kind of offended
but at the end…oh the end was so beautiful
i laughed so hard
July 29th, 2009 at 10:25 am
Bravo. No book reviews about the Bible…true story! Pretty marvelous if you ask me. Hope you can get the sulfur smell out of the office, its foul.
July 29th, 2009 at 10:13 am
Excellent article. Mentally casting John Goodman as John The Baptist was a nice touch.
July 29th, 2009 at 10:10 am
I love how everyone on the internet immediately becomes an authority figure on the authenticity of the Bible every time someone posts a satirical piece about it.
July 29th, 2009 at 10:10 am
[...] Here is a book review of the Bible. [...]
July 29th, 2009 at 10:08 am
The epic-ness of this book review cannot be ignored. A tip of the hat to your sacrifice, Brockway….
July 29th, 2009 at 10:03 am
im offended, shocked and crying with laughter.
another trifik brockway article.
July 29th, 2009 at 10:03 am
As a devout Catholic I’m used to seeing the Christian faith get skewered all over the net and I thought for sure this would be yet another drubbing. I was expecting the worst but this was fairly tame. The problem is if you are going to go after something so core to people you have been be really freakin’ creative! But this was kinda only 0-3 boners, IMHO.
However, I DARE you’all to write something like this about the Koran… I’ll be shocked if I ever see that. Shocked.
July 29th, 2009 at 9:50 am
Well done. Well written. Lots of winks and nods. I laughed. You fing rock Brockway
July 29th, 2009 at 9:38 am
personally i prefer the Wheel of Time series (well..atleast the first few books before the series slowed down).
July 29th, 2009 at 9:36 am
Awesome. Plain and simple
July 29th, 2009 at 9:35 am
I really liked this article because it reviewed the bible for what it really is. Just a book.
July 29th, 2009 at 9:34 am
best selling fantasy book of all time.
July 29th, 2009 at 9:29 am
@theHeadCase:
Agreed. The world NEEDS this band! It’s too perfect…
July 29th, 2009 at 9:27 am
SPOILER ALERT : JUDAS BETRAYS JESUS
July 29th, 2009 at 9:09 am
“A lot of the set-up just has to be taken on faith”
Brilliant.
July 29th, 2009 at 9:07 am
It was totally fucking lame when I went to see the passion of the christ and even before the movie starts some shit head get up and ruins the ending. Hey fag, we havent all read the book yet.
July 29th, 2009 at 9:06 am
another snoozefest from brockway. how does this guy keep this job?
July 29th, 2009 at 9:02 am
I hereby thank God I’m buddhist
This article was a lot of fun, and I wouldn’t worry, somebody already set up a PS3 down in hell for cracked writers, as a safety measure.
July 29th, 2009 at 8:59 am
Sounds like a really riveting story, but I agree with Mr. Bilbo Baggins: it’s no Lord of the Rings, mate.
July 29th, 2009 at 8:59 am
Why hasn’t there ever been a band called “Jesus H. Christ and the Apostles of Funk”? Somebody needs to get on that.
July 29th, 2009 at 8:57 am
Brilliant and well written. Hwever, you should be careful as many people could be truly offended. I think I’m almost offended.
July 29th, 2009 at 8:55 am
Haha epic. I prefered The Lord of the Rings though
July 29th, 2009 at 8:53 am
Awesome article! As a seminary student attending a liberal seminary, I loved this irreverent yet at times surprisingly theologically on target review of the Bible. I immediately sent it out to all my classmates to enjoy!
July 29th, 2009 at 8:52 am
I’ve been a christian my entire life and know my Bible well and this is probably the funniest thing I’ve read in a long time. Brockway you’re a funny mother fucker
July 29th, 2009 at 8:52 am
If they ever make a movie about The Bible, I hope that it’s directed by Roland Emmerich. Or at least Michael Bay.
July 29th, 2009 at 8:51 am
And please Atheists, shut up. The Christians are willing to take it in stride, why can’t you?
July 29th, 2009 at 8:48 am
I give the bible 9 out of 10 boners, because I love me a story about incest.
July 29th, 2009 at 8:47 am
Huh. This was surprisingly tame. I’m surprised to see that Brockway is pandering to the Christian audience even though Cracked has ran more much more offensive articles on the subject before.
July 29th, 2009 at 8:47 am
interresting, at least it wasn’t into blasphemy or godbashing like some shithead<atheist I commonly see on this site.
God blesss you Brockway
July 29th, 2009 at 8:46 am
this was a pretty funny article. imma christian and i didnt get offended by this article. in fact it actually made me wanna read the bible even more!
July 29th, 2009 at 8:45 am
good review. I too enjoy science-fiction books
July 29th, 2009 at 8:40 am
The Devil knows better than to subject himself to an eternity of puns based on his name.
July 29th, 2009 at 8:39 am
Absolutely amazing article. So very clever. Brilliant writing. Thanks for that.
July 29th, 2009 at 8:33 am
I always expected DOB to be the Cracked writer to be dragged into hell first.
July 29th, 2009 at 8:26 am
Ah I doubt mnay christians will be offended by this as it seems like most of them have no awareness of the contents of the bible except for a paragraph of leviticus.
July 29th, 2009 at 8:19 am
So I”m just scrolling through my feeds, scanning through boring Digg political links, and I see the title of this article and literally sprayed coffee all over my monitor, keyboard, and cat. This may be the funniest thing I’ve ever read on Cracked. Great job.
July 29th, 2009 at 8:18 am
Now that’s bravery. The entire time I was reading this I was so sure I’d be struck by lightning. Also because of you I have clear my history so my mother doesn’t see this and beat me. Otherwise, A+.
July 29th, 2009 at 8:16 am
This is truly the only good thing Mr. Brockway has ever written for this site. And it was funny as fuck.
July 29th, 2009 at 8:15 am
Awesome article. The assertion in the comments that satirizing on the internet takes balls made me lol though.
July 29th, 2009 at 8:13 am
i was thinking it was more like 5 out of ten boners but then
I read Revelations and changed my mind to eight out of ten
July 29th, 2009 at 8:11 am
hahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
July 29th, 2009 at 7:56 am
I’ve found this review useful.
July 29th, 2009 at 7:55 am
As a VERY religious guy, I give this review 9 out of 10 boners.
Also, I commend you, Brockway, on your balls, which are apparently the size of basketballs and made of super-dense iron and nickel, not unlike the core of the Earth. I figured this out when I saw the title and continued reading; I may have a sense of humor, but there’s a lot of Christians out there who seem to forget the whole “Love thy neighbor” commandment and figure ANY poke at their faith is an excuse to send out insults and death threats.
Good luck with that, but I got a chuckle out of this.
July 29th, 2009 at 7:47 am
@86
I was half-willing to join in and kind of agree with you but then I remembered I saw you spazzing in the Advertising Space photoshop contest, realized you’re a freak, and now I’m just gonna disregard everything you say.
July 29th, 2009 at 7:46 am
hah, realy good, especialy from someone as Brockway. Still, i didn’t get it: is he making fun of the book or is it just some christian humour?
July 29th, 2009 at 7:45 am
This was fantastic! I’m a pretty strong Catholic so I was cringing a little bit at some of the parts (I’m going to Hell for that ‘Watch out for zombies’ crack) but, damn, Brockway! Great job!
July 29th, 2009 at 7:43 am
This article is EASILY worth ten out of eleven boners. Brockway, you might just be the funniest writer on the internet.
Sidenote: I count more ‘quit arguing over religion, guys!’ posts than actual religious argument posts.
July 29th, 2009 at 7:42 am
Fantastic article. Very very funny.
July 29th, 2009 at 7:39 am
You owe me a new keyboard, Brockway. That is all.
July 29th, 2009 at 7:29 am
hahaha that was hilarious! im not a religous guy so i love jokes like this! I give the bible 2 out of 10 boners XD
July 29th, 2009 at 7:27 am
Maybe Brockway can seduce a lovely she-demon in order to further his line. After all, who better to haunt and destroy the Cracked team than a half demon/half Brockway man-child?
Plus, I liked this article. Eight out of ten boners.
July 29th, 2009 at 7:26 am
I guess that kind of thing happens everyday in cracked? Random damnation into hell?
Absolutely great article, it makes me want to read the book, this zombie stuff seems quite promising.
haha, I’m expecting Brockway coming back with another article, but with a picture of him with a band-aid on his pinky saying “Just came back from a really hot place, and I got better”
July 29th, 2009 at 7:20 am
Being agnsotic is the pussy’s way out? You douchebag, you’re jsut as much of an asshole.
July 29th, 2009 at 7:09 am
Im the one who gonna kick the ass of god!
i dont give a damn if it was offensive or not!! that shiz was fun
July 29th, 2009 at 7:06 am
Objective a compeling review…9 out of 10 boners!
July 29th, 2009 at 7:04 am
You still have yet to make me do anything other than crack a half smile, but I still enjoy reading your column.
July 29th, 2009 at 7:01 am
I loved this article, both funny and interesting. Robert shall be missed!
July 29th, 2009 at 6:55 am
The only way is the brockaway! Get it? aar har har har.
July 29th, 2009 at 6:51 am
maann..this shiz was funny! it actually walked the line between offensive and hilarious pretty well (not that i care, i’m areligious) but i have a sensitive mind..:)
July 29th, 2009 at 6:49 am
easily the best religious-themed thing i’ve read on here - absolutely hilarious all the way through, but not based on cheap shots and filled with clever literary observations. i liked the john the baptist line the best.
we still get internet atheists in the comment section, but hey, we get them everywhere. (which is really annoying - your lack of belief in an afterlife has nothing to do with which pokemon this person should pick for their team, get off my message board.)
bravo, cracked.
July 29th, 2009 at 6:43 am
Wow, look at all the atheists doing what they criticize religious people for doing: forcing their beliefs onto people. Fucking hypocrites, give the tolerant atheists like me a bad name. Its assholes like you that make me refer to myself as Agnostic, The Pussy’s Way Out.
I thought this article had potential to be much better than it actually was, but hey, its hard to find that sweet spot between comedic gold and completely offensive. especially with a subject as touchy as the bible.
July 29th, 2009 at 6:41 am
Love it!
Another wonderful insight into your twisted mind.
July 29th, 2009 at 6:30 am
This made me giggle.
Nice one, Brockaway.
July 29th, 2009 at 6:27 am
Poor Brockway he will be missed. Now it’s simply a question of what level of Dante’s Inferno he ended up at.
July 29th, 2009 at 6:25 am
There are three things in the world I care about. In no specific order they are God, sex and money. These are the only things that matter to me and they encompass the whole of my life. They are also the funniest things in the world. Thank you for this. Shame about all the atheists who needed to make a point
July 29th, 2009 at 6:24 am
“But while this book may indeed be the greatest story ever told, I looked around for a bit and I couldn’t find a single review of it. Not one!”
Yeah, sure. “I’m going to review Holy Bible” is one of the most frequently used topics for comedy articles.
July 29th, 2009 at 6:21 am
Meh.
If it’s REALLY all that good someone will make a movie out of it. Then I’ll wait for the unrated DVD release with al lthe cool deleted scenes.
July 29th, 2009 at 6:21 am
Another Christian here and I thought this was hilarious. I’m sending it to several of my Christian friends.
July 29th, 2009 at 6:18 am
@Mebbe Nawt
DAMN THAT’S PRETTY ORIGINAL YOU CAME UP WITH THAT ONE FOR YOURSELF?
July 29th, 2009 at 6:16 am
the Grapes of Wrath/Harry Potter comparison and David Foster Wallace allusion were the best parts. (but it was all great.)
July 29th, 2009 at 6:16 am
This article was pretty funny. The editor’s note at the end was priceless!
Oh, and @Mebbe Nawt: “Look, I agree, but this is a humor site. Quit arguing about religion. It’s like running in the Special Olympics: Even if you win, you’re still retarded.”–THAT is even funnier than the article itself!
July 29th, 2009 at 6:11 am
@Al
“In the end, there is no god, the Bible is a bunch of shitty fables ” -> Thanks man. You opened my eyes and now I´m a free man. Think I´m going for an orgy right now….
Att
Uncle_Joseph
July 29th, 2009 at 6:11 am
“in what is one of many disturbingly phallic metaphors littered throughout the book, Moses and the Pharaoh’s magicians start slinging about their “snakes” and “staffs” to see whose is bigger” = gold. Pure sparkling gold
July 29th, 2009 at 6:04 am
“I’m a Christian and I can laugh at this, wow, isn’t that heroic and cool, Christians are cool, go Bible!, but seriously, lol”
“Enough with these comments. In the end, there is no god, the Bible is a bunch of shitty fables that read worse than a Dean Koontz novel, and if you believe in it, then you should grow up.”
Look, I agree, but this is a humor site. Quit arguing about religion. It’s like running in the Special Olympics: Even if you win, you’re still retarded.
July 29th, 2009 at 6:03 am
@Jorgeuvdajungul
If its well written and funny, i wouldn’t mind and i don’t think this article is bashing the bible.
July 29th, 2009 at 6:01 am
Not the best, but not bad. Kept waiting for you to bust out with the ultra offensive, but it never came… Just as well I suppose, you’d have flame wars raging through the comments section till’ January if you did.
July 29th, 2009 at 5:57 am
this was funny.
July 29th, 2009 at 5:54 am
Editor’s Note is priceless, everyone at work is wondering why I am cracking up right now.
July 29th, 2009 at 5:53 am
It’s interesting. Could have been funnier though. I dare you to do the Qur’an next.
July 29th, 2009 at 5:53 am
“I’m a Christian and I can laugh at this, wow, isn’t that heroic and cool, Christians are cool, go Bible!, but seriously, lol”
Enough with these comments. In the end, there is no god, the Bible is a bunch of shitty fables that read worse than a Dean Koontz novel, and if you believe in it, then you should grow up.
This article was pretty funny, but it went rather close to the edge - nearly turning into a series of cliches about the book rather than giving any particularly novel lines. Could have been a lot worse, of course.
July 29th, 2009 at 5:50 am
Not the best Brockway piece, but it gave me a few good chuckles.
July 29th, 2009 at 5:49 am
I have an idea, chaps! Let’s bash the Qu’ran and see what the muslims do!
…
Actually, that’s probably not a good idea. Muslims would kill you if an article like this was written about their holy book.
July 29th, 2009 at 5:49 am
Thanks for keeping it classy, Brockway. Hilarious.
July 29th, 2009 at 5:47 am
Holy Boners. Excellent
July 29th, 2009 at 5:44 am
I’m gonna be here, waiting for christian trolls to spam. Sounds like fun.
July 29th, 2009 at 5:36 am
[...] Review Jump to comments Posted in: Featured So there’s a new column up at Cracked, where I review this awesome fantasy book called The Holy Bible. I don’t want to ruin anything for you, but this book has everything! Magic, shape-shifting, [...]
July 29th, 2009 at 5:34 am
I found this to be a pretty hilarious and tastefully written satire about the Bible. I particularly enjoy how you were able to make fun of it without assaulting it.
July 29th, 2009 at 5:23 am
That was absolutely magnificent, Brockway. Definitely worth the 10/10 fiery demon boners you’re probably intimate with right now.
July 29th, 2009 at 5:19 am
But God doesn’t secretly have a heart of gold. He’s just an asshole.
I mean, the guy kills his own son, not to mention the sons of all those Egyptians. And what’s with all those times he punishes someone for what their dad did? And then at the end he DESTROYS THE WORLD. it’s like a Dragonball villain or something, except Goku isn’t there to beat him up.
I’d say that God is more of a “Villain” than an antihero. But that’s just my interpretation of the work. I guess we’ll wait on that sequel to see.
Other than that, I find the book to be generally poorly written, and large portions of it are there entirely for shock value (all the circumcisions are particularly creepy). It also tends to blather on about pointless genealogy that no one cares about. It should really take a hint from Tolkien and condense that to an appendix after the plot. The heavy-handed extolling of broken morality is almost as annoying as something written by Ayn Rand, except somehow MORE annoying.
It does have its moments. There’s a good amount of violence, and everyone loves magic zombies. Still, it’s not quite enough to pull this trainwreck of a book back from the shitpile.
4 out of 10 boners.
July 29th, 2009 at 5:14 am
Good article but 7/10 is a little generous. As a stand alone book, even for an allegory, the Bible is terrible. Between the New and Old Testaments messages become very mixed, various events are accounted differently in different parts of the book, characters are almost all one dimensional and like the article mentioned come and go within single pages.
I’m an atheist and I’m not trying to bash anyone’s religion, I’m just saying if we were going to judge the Bible on its own merits I think 7/10 is kind of high.
July 29th, 2009 at 5:03 am
There is no god, idiots.
July 29th, 2009 at 4:41 am
Not really offensive and yet semi-objective, was expecting something that honestly would piss me off, but besides the boner remark at the end, was pretty good. Leaving out the most important part since it would be a spoiler is quite clever, even though I know in the forgiveness of sins brought about by the “Spoiler,” I find this is original and would hopefully convince someone to look into this amazing work, The Holy Bible.
July 29th, 2009 at 4:38 am
Tom Paine’s dismissive review of the bible in “The Age of Reason” made my laugh more than this phoned in article.
July 29th, 2009 at 4:38 am
Not bad. Not the best Brockway article, but not bad.
July 29th, 2009 at 4:36 am
I lold
I’m a “fundamentalist Christian” I guess, and this is one of the more clever teases pointed at us bible thumpers. I enjoyed this quite a bit.
Point being, not all christians are stuffy, while we take faith seriously we are able to appreciate humor, even when it’s pointed at us. And this is a win
July 29th, 2009 at 4:36 am
ahhahahah brockway, this piece gets 10 out of 10 boners
R.I.P
July 29th, 2009 at 4:36 am
Wow…I went into this article expecting to be at least moderately insulted (which I wouldn’t have posted down here), but I was surprised. You hit that sweet spot where it’s really funny without jabbing the subject in the eye. Great article!
July 29th, 2009 at 4:33 am
Wanted to let you know my uncle thought this was one of the funniest things he ever read. My uncle is a Baptist minister.
July 29th, 2009 at 4:24 am
i heard there are people who believe this thing is real HURP DERP
July 29th, 2009 at 4:19 am
So that was amazing. Thank you, Brockway.
July 29th, 2009 at 4:15 am
“This book deserves way more attention than it’s apparently getting…”
*head explodes
July 29th, 2009 at 4:13 am
Many celebrities posted their profiles on a celeb dating site
_______Meet Wealthy com______ _____ . Many persons want to date with those celebrities.
July 29th, 2009 at 4:06 am
awesome