Sex tapes have become a basic staple of the Internet diet. Shocking as it may seem, literally dozens of celebrities apparently have sex, and now we know about it.
But I was still honestly surprised to read about the upcoming release of a Jimi Hendrix threesome tape. And by Vivid no less, whose stable of fine actors fill out the cast of my personal favorite adult movie of all time, XXX Pirates (the only porn to my knowledge featuring fully CGI skeletons and ghalleons).
I mean, it used to be that barring a major grave robbery, you could kind of count on your post-mortem legacy being secured. Now we’ve got Monroe and Hendrix boning on camera, and it’s only a matter of time before sexstorians dig up more compromising footage of our favorite dead.
After all, there seems to be plenty of money in it; Vivid plans on selling the 11-minute clip of a man “closely resembling Hendrix” as a forty-dollar DVD. For that kind of money, he’d better break into the solo form All Along The Watchtower at the moment of climax.
And so, as this horrorshow we call the Internet continues to consume more and more of our lives, and allows us all to indulge in the cravings for celebrity depravity we all share, then I’d at least like to put in my personal requests. Are you listening, people who comb through estate sales looking for old reel-to-reels of celebrities fucking? Here we go.
5. Celebrity: Claudette Colbert
Why I Want to See it: For my money, Colbert is the most beautiful woman ever put to black and white film. And as the (I presume) grandmother of Stephen Colbert, watching her have sex in high-contrast spectrovision is probably as close as I’ll ever get to meeting him. And that’s good enough for me.
Favorite Imagined Highlight: The guest appearance from Palm Beach Story’s “weenie king,” now 108 years old and hung like a kielbasa that’s been left out in the sun.
4. Celebrity: JFK
Why I Want to See it: Basically I just want to see a President’s weiner, and it seems like JFK’s the most likely candidate (unless Obama makes good on his promises to pants Hillary at her inauguration). There was a good chance a Monroe sex tape would have included him anyway, so I think we’re due.
Favorite Imagined Highlight: When John awkwardly tries to reference “the Cuban missile crisis” during initial insertion, and finally upsets his bedmates with an unflattering comparison to “the bay of pigs.”
3. Celebrity: Lucille Ball
Why I Want to See it: You know it’s going to be feisty, wacky, and interracial, and there’s not a lot more you could ask for in a sex tape that doesn’t involve things I’m not willing to discuss with you.
Favorite Imagined Highlight: When Lucy reenacts her famous chocolate factory routine by stuffing dildo after dildo into every possible orifice while they come relentlessly down a conveyor belt Desi built just for that purpose.
2. Celebrity: Groucho Marx
Why I Want to See it: I’m a huge Groucho fan, and everything I’ve learned about the man leads me to believe that his sex would either be riddled with hilarious one-liners or silent, seething, and smothered in self-loathing. Either way, I’ll buy a ticket just to watch his shoe polish mustache end up all over a lady’s nethers.
Favorite Imagined Highlight: When Harpo and Chico burst in to explain that there was a mixup with the condoms, and Harpo starts honking wildly as Groucho mugs to the camera and says “good thing I never use any.”
1. Celebrity: Sacajawea
Why I Want to See it: Because it would be the most beautiful, elegant, and dignified sex tape ever recorded. Also, the historical implications of its existence would be staggering.
Favorite Imagined Highlight: When the noble Indian woman directs Lewis and Clark to the exact location of the clitoris.
Addendum: The Monroe sex tape just got debunked, and the Hendrix one is highly dubious, as I mentioned. Hey, if we’re already faking them, all the more reason to fulfill the requests on my list. Get on it, Hollywood!
When not blogging for Cracked, Michael imagines the genitals of dead people as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren’t Muskets!
This entry was posted on Thursday, May 1st, 2008 at 4:00 pm and is filed under Celebrities, Jimi Hendrix, Marilyn Monroe, Sex Tape, Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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July 27th, 2009 at 3:56 pm
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July 25th, 2009 at 3:08 pm
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July 21st, 2009 at 2:39 pm
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June 24th, 2009 at 7:29 am
I keep listening to the news speak about getting free online grant applications so I have been looking around for the best site to get one.
June 6th, 2008 at 9:40 pm
I have viewed many sexy and hot videos and photos at a celebrities singles dating club———- Mixedmingle.com——— where many fans and stars can chat together. And there are many black and white singles who are seeking for ideal match seriously there.
June 2nd, 2008 at 3:50 am
I think sex is the celebrities’s personal affairs. However, many people like to know it. Recently I came across Britney and Kevin’s sex video at PlusMeet.c o m__, I feel so sorry for Britney. She is a poor woman with mental problem.
May 21st, 2008 at 8:09 am
[...] regular reader of my posts, or indeed even someone who just started reading them Monday (when I made a classic Maria [...]
May 6th, 2008 at 9:02 am
Jayne Mansfield, anybody?
As Swaim would say Va-va-va-voom!!
May 5th, 2008 at 10:51 am
Face it, Veronica Lake was the dirty crafty little tramp of the 40s and 50s. Whereas busty, blousy Marilyn Monroe was likely to giggle and seduce everything with a pulse, Veronica was more likely to be the secretary or go-go dancer who would bang her boss/leering, downtrodden customer and then bribe him so she wouldn’t tell his wife.
Also, she’d be likely to lounge around her lovers apartment wearing nothing but his work shirt.
May 5th, 2008 at 10:23 am
Meh, I’d rather have Veronica Lake to be honest.
May 4th, 2008 at 5:58 am
I just want to talk something about Claudette. What an actress and what a sincerity in all of her performances. No more actresses like her. She gave such a human quality to her roles that she mesmerized you. The last scene from ‘It happened one night’ is superb. Still remember it: dealstudio.com/searchdeals.php?deal_id=100723&ru=279 , I loved her & never get tired to watch this film over & over. God Bless You Miss Colbert. I miss and love you.
May 4th, 2008 at 3:34 am
I don’t know about the rest of you; Internet Celebrity Sex Tapes are a part of my healthy internet diet that cannot be replaced!
Oh, and yes, I absolutely did not read more than the first two sentences of this post.
May 3rd, 2008 at 2:43 am
Pirates XXX is one of the greatest movies ever made.
May 2nd, 2008 at 8:22 pm
Claudette would make my list, too–unconventional looking, but adorable. Kudos for mentioning the Palm Beach Story and the Weenie King–though I think you meant to say he was 108 back THEN.
I’d also pay top dollar for the Jean Arthur sex tape, as long as it didn’t also feature Lionel Barrymore.
May 2nd, 2008 at 3:40 pm
Dude….
Lemme, reiterate….Dude….
Oh, and:
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCMENT: CHRIS KEEPS LOOKING IN THE MIRROR, WAITING FOR HIS TESTICLES TO DROP (DOB sheared ‘em off, while practicing hooker banging/killing. With a machete (interpret that how you will))
May 2nd, 2008 at 9:44 am
Not that I’d actually want to see a video of him, but… wasn’t Milton Berle (Uncle Miltie) supposed to be hung like a horse? Given his penchant for cross-dressing there’d be potential for extra profit from the tranny demographic.
May 2nd, 2008 at 7:47 am
Oh, and in my opinion, Pirates was even better than Dreamquest!
May 2nd, 2008 at 7:46 am
Dead celebrities I’d like to see having sex? Not that necrophilia’s my thing, but I’d like to see Reese Witherspoon’s sex-tape.
What’s that? She’s not dead? No, she isn’t, at least… not yet.
Hhm ha ha ha ha ha HA HA HA HAAAAAA! (cue thunder sound effect)
May 2nd, 2008 at 7:34 am
“TWO Action ‘Anks?! Which one’s the real one?”
Bingo, right on the first try Esmoreit!
@JT: You just grossed me out; and you have imagined Swaim’s anatomy in far too much detail.
May 2nd, 2008 at 6:53 am
@Fragg - Easy, Dexters Laboratory
“That is some high-quality flower!”
May 2nd, 2008 at 1:56 am
Oh my god, XXX Pirates is a work of fucking genius. I can’t believe anyone ever criticised the acting in that film. Two words people ‘Stargate Atlantis’, by comparison everyone on that boat is Dustin Hoffman. Probably better than either of those original pirates sequels at least.
Oh and check out this review for the film by some foreign guy on the IMBD movie database…
“My fiance and I bought the R version on accident”.
You can’t make up stuff like that.
May 1st, 2008 at 10:48 pm
That’s fairly impressive beard growth time, Gladstone, considering you were smooth-faced on last week’s “Week In Douchebaggery”…perhaps tomorrow Lex Friedman will have a beard?
PS–We haven’t had a weight loss update in a while
May 1st, 2008 at 8:34 pm
Hey, Swaim, when does the Those Aren’t Muskets sex tapes come out? When you and the group are dead?
May 1st, 2008 at 8:04 pm
Swaim’s beard on the inside is trimmed nicely and always wet….
We’re talking about vaginas now, right?
May 1st, 2008 at 7:17 pm
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT: IT’S NOT THE BEARD ON THE OUTSIDE, BUT THE BEARD ON THE INSIDE THAT COUNTS.
QUICK, THROW ME YOUR BEARD!
(10 points to whoever gets the source of this)
May 1st, 2008 at 7:08 pm
Other dead celebrities whose sex tapes would appeal to my target demographic:
1. Mama Cass
That is all.
May 1st, 2008 at 6:49 pm
ACTUALLY, SWAIM’S BEARD’S A LITTLE SUSPECT, BUT YOU DIDN’T HEAR IT FROM ME.
May 1st, 2008 at 6:47 pm
IMPORTANT BLOG ANNOUNCEMENT!
GLADSTONE HAS JUST ANNOUNCED THAT HE, SWAIM AND ROSS WOLINSKY HAVE ALL HIT PUBERTY.
THANK YOU.
May 1st, 2008 at 6:39 pm
IMPORTANT BLOG ANNOUNCEMENT!
I HAVE IT ON GOOD AUTHORITY THAT RIGHT NOW, SWAIM, ME, AND ROSS ARE ALL SPORTING BEARDS RIGHT NOW.
DOB AND CHRIS? WELL, LET’S JUST SAY THEY DIDN’T GET THE MEMO.
OK. YOU MAY RETURN TO READING.
May 1st, 2008 at 5:52 pm
I think I would be more impressed by the fact that there’s a sex tape that was made in 1804, when film wasn’t even invented until 1884.
May 1st, 2008 at 5:23 pm
How dare you defame Lucy! I swear I ought to kick you right square in the nuts! Move your hands so I can!
May 1st, 2008 at 5:04 pm
Sacajawea could show Lewis and Clark a special pass to the west, if you get what i am saying, eh eh? ok, maybe that was a little munch, nut hey, you blow you wood love it.
(that last part, might have been overboard) sorry.
May 1st, 2008 at 4:27 pm
“Basically I just want to see a President’s weiner”
I swear to god Swaim, you get gayer and gayer with every passing minute.
April 30th, 2008 at 5:42 pm
There we go. I had several good jokes planned involving horses, Hall and Oates, and Wilfor Brimley, but you know what? It’s too late now. Deal with it.
April 30th, 2008 at 5:41 pm
Finish the post already, Swaim, I’ve tried commenting thrice already.