Ever since National Geographic invented showing tits to children, I’ve wanted to learn how different cultures deal with sex. And while I’ve done my best to explore all the world’s cultures and religions without their pants on, it seems most of my research on the subject has been limited to the insane community. In your face, ladies. Besides, I need to approach the topic scientifically, and no good has ever come from a scientist putting his dick into his own research. That’s how Benjamin Franklin died, and why kites no longer come with vaginas. So instead, I collected books about sex.
You can learn a lot about sex in a used book store. For example, and since I can’t resist, you get fewer paper cuts when you fuck non-fiction. Back to what I was saying, and I apologize for the last sentence, I’ve collected five books that each represent a different culture or religion’s sex life. These five books will be read by me and then entered into the Great 2009 Literary Sex Off, an academic sex contest held every 2009 years.
Represented by the book: Human Sexuality: A Catholic Perspective for Education and Lifelong Learning, 1991
This book contains all the erotic secrets of the Catholic Church. Like you, I thought this would be things like how to dissolve roofies into a sno-cone when an altar boy is too fast to grab and too smart to take the pills you throw at him. But it’s actually much stranger than that. It’s an exhaustive list of the thousands of circumstances that need to be met before God will allow sex. This line summed it up pretty well:
“As we have stated several times in this document, we believe that it is only within a heterosexual marital relationship that genital sexual activity is morally acceptable.”
Genital sexual activity? That’s so unnecessarily specific that it’s almost challenging horny followers to find a loophole. It’s like giving readers a puzzle they can only solve with their fingers, mouths, and assholes. Fact: tennis elbow, indian burns, propulsive gait, and the figure-four-leglock were all discovered by two unmarried Catholics trying to stay religiously legal during their intimacy.
Erotistration Rating: 0
There isn’t a single drawing in this entire book. I guess with chapter titles like, “Human Sexuality: A Catholic Perspective for Education and Lifelong Learning Chapter 4: Special Groups and Sexual Issues, Moral Discernment and Pastoral Care,” there isn’t a whole lot of room for pictures. Plus, I think Catholics have to be married to a pencil for seven years before they’re allowed to draw a nipple.
Safety Rating: 1
Here’s an excerpt: “In keeping with our abiding respect for the inherent procreative meaning of sexual intercourse, it is a teaching of the Catholic Church that one ought to space it “naturally,” that is, taking into account the biological ebb and flow of the woman’s fertility cycle.”
This book makes it clear that if you’re using a contraceptive, you might as well be doing so from inside a warlock. Condoms are like putting a plastic bag over the head of God’s love and birth control pills are so evil that if you give one to a goat, the beast will curse in the tongue of man. So in order to prevent babies, Catholics use the Rhythm Method. It’s where you fill a woman’s reproductive system with sperm and hope that millions of years of evolution aren’t watching. Step one in being a good Catholic is making sure your ovaries can beat God in a battle of wits.
Represented by the book: The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women, 1998
Due to my love of comedy, I never read a book about regular people having sex. The closest I could come was The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women. To say it’s exactly what it sounds like isn’t doing its ultimateness justice. Everything you’ve ever wanted to know is in this book, which is why I wrote this short but ultimate one-sentence guide to reading it: You don’t want to know 125% of the details involving anal sex.
Here, I can sum it up with this understatement from Anal Fisting: How To’s: “There is going to be some mess, so you should have lots of paper towels on hand.” Cherish that– a carpet cleaner and two garbage men died bringing you that knowledge. This book is so gross you won’t even want things coming out of your ass.
Illustration Rating: Negative Used Butt Towel.
If there was a rating I could give the book worse than a 0, I would. And since I’m making the rules, I can. It gets the rating of Negative Used Butt Towel, the lowest number in the world. You want a drawing of a fat woman getting an amateur colonoscopy from a caveman? Check. How about a beatnik wearing only combat boots and anal beads? Yes. I can’t tell if it’s a magic book showing the reader personalized images of his or her own hell, or if someone was playing MADLibs at the same time they were drawing butt sex. All I know is that you’ll have an easier time getting aroused by the interior view of the anorectal anatomy, thankfully included.
Safety Rating: 7
After reading this guide, I feel vaguely qualified to perform any medical or sexual procedure on a human butt. That is if my patients or lovers can look past the solid, steady scream I’ve been letting out since I first opened this book.
Represented by the book: Growth and Intimacy for Gay Men: A Workbook, 1997
I knew I wanted to represent the homosexual community in this battle of the books, but the used bookstore was suspiciously out of gay pornography. I was about to give up and just represent them with a Maxim magazine, but this book suddenly caught my eye. It’s a workbook that damaged gay people can use to put their lives back together. And as fate would have it, it’s been used.
I know so much about this book’s previous owner. As you can see from his highlights above, he took a special interest in the “Merging” stage of relationships, and couldn’t give a damn about “Learning to live in harmony.” He does this for the whole book. If there’s a line about sex, he highlights it. If there’s a section on different techniques to get your lover to shut the fuck up, it’s lit up like a Cher gown under stage lights. I don’t want to sound gay, but I really like this guy.
Illustration Rating: Twenty five question marks.
The only illustrations in the book are complicated flow charts so the gay reader can create genealogy trees. However, since these are homosexual trees, they’re mostly about gossip instead of genetics. I’m not making that up. The author has filled in all the boxes with things like “Alcoholic” and “Probably Gay.” And get this, Julie and Rick’s daughter Sarah has “Abortion 1981 Depressed On Medication In Therapy” by her name. And under that: “Sexually provocative.” Roowr! The claws are out, girlfriend!
“Dear Family Tree: Can you believe what Stan was wearing when he impregnated my great-grandmother? HellOOO?!?! It’s the 19th century, not the Country Music Awards!”
Safety Rating: 9
If a man with this book ever chooses to have relations with another man, there are 25 questionaires to help him prepare for it, and 35 worksheets to deal with the emotional aftermath. You literally could not have a safer sex life unless you were humping a pillow with a Ph.D in psychology. It was a welcome change from the Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women which spent five chapters dispelling the myth that it’s unsafe to jump ass-first onto a juicer.
Represented by the book: Dating and Other Frightening Experiences, 1979
This book is mainly about resisting temptations. Unfortunately, it seems like the author has been doing that for too long and every page is heaving with desperate sexually charged analogies. This guy is so backed up that he has to sleep in an oil rig to catch his night discharge. The following is a passage that will change the way you look at flowers forever:
“Girls, you will never walk into any garden and see any self-respecting flower chasing the bees. Picture that. They won’t do it. They know enough to stay right where they’re planted, and they blossom, and have a sweet fragrance that comes from within. The bees will come to them. Oh my, how they’ll come.“
Yikes. Sounds like someone chased that bee metaphor all the way to orgasm.
Illustration Rating: 9
Mormons seem to resist a lot of their temptations on The Porch. At first I thought this meant that Mormons like to make out on the front porch so passing motorists can celebrate their journey to second base together. But as you can see from this illustration, The Porch is an actual monster that sneaks up on you while you do it.
As I hinted at earlier, Mormons have sex through a hole in a complicated series of metaphors, so I’m not sure how to interpret this picture. Is that evil door simply where The Porch Monster keeps its mouth and eyes, or is that the girl’s father pressing his face up against the screen door? Either way, it makes no sense why I’m masturbating. Oh god, I’m a bee! I’M A BEEEEE!!!!
Safety Rating: 1
Let’s strip away all the flowery language for a second and get real: Mormons copulate publicly on the body of a fanged monster. That’s some Conan shit to do by anyone’s standards. If you ever wondered why Mormon porches always smell like the insides of virgins, now you know.
Represented by the book: The Ultimate Guide to Sex and Disability, 2003
This book is 334 pages of sexual tips for every type of affliction known to man. If you have arthritis, they’ll tell you where to buy some vibrating mittens. If you’re mostly in a jar, they’ll drop a pickle in you. The problem is, they spread themselves so thin that no single affliction really gets much attention. Just look at these tips on Sex With Ourselves.
There’s not one piece of usable advice in that! If I really was a guy with no arms or legs, I want only one answer from the chapter on masturbation– will a masturbation robot try to kill a masturbation monkey? Instead I get this philosophical redefinition of the term. How does this semantic fruit looping help anyone? “Why, if you believe in your heart, anything can be masturbation! See that sunset? That’s masturbation! A low flying aircraft? Masturbation. An aircraft that’s… that’s coming right at us! We’re all going to die! Shit– really masturbate!”
Illustration Rating: 0
There are only six illustrations in the entire book. Three are diagrams of how to have sex without rupturing colostomy bags, one is a collection of kegel devices, one is anal beads, and one is Satan’s own dildo collection (pictured). If I didn’t know better, I’d say this is a prank by the handicapped to punk my eyeballs. Well, round one goes to them. Or “us,” if you count that I’m now blind.
Safety Rating: 10
The one thing this book has going for it is safety procedures. Before giving any instructions, the authors carefully assume the worst about you. You’re a morbidly obese torso, but they can’t show you how to build a tension-powered dildo rigging because they’re sensitive to your crippling fear of pulleys. And since your skin is made out of dog food, swinging you around would just waft your scent into the hound-filled night. And that would be insane.
So after reading all of these manuals on how to turn sex into a disgusting and unsafe battle against porches and God, I’d have to say the winner is…
This entry was posted on Thursday, November 12th, 2009 at 5:00 am and is filed under Catholic, Gay, Sex, Uncategorized, books. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
2009 Literary Sex Off! 5 Baffling Perspectives on Boning
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November 19th, 2009 at 9:50 pm
“Note: Only one of these is a dildo. Choose wisely.”
Fuck yeah.
November 19th, 2009 at 2:01 pm
I’m reading this in the library at my high school… trying not to laugh too hard so the teacher doesn’t come over to inquire as to my reading material.
November 18th, 2009 at 11:40 pm
Man, this article made me fall out of my seat with laughter! Great job again, Seanbaby!
November 18th, 2009 at 1:10 pm
A Googlesearch of Erotistration came back with two results: This article and indian gay sex…….Hmmmm…..Go figure!
November 17th, 2009 at 2:15 am
Awesome…just awesome, love your articles!
November 16th, 2009 at 11:15 pm
‘If you’re mostly in a jar, they’ll drop a pickle in you.’
‘No more than one chicken may ride in the rowboat at the same time.’
‘Oh my how they’ll come…’
I’m sorry but I laughed way too hard at those lines… I’m quite certain I was crying at one point. Jus wanted to share that
November 16th, 2009 at 2:29 am
[...] Click on the photo for 5 perspectives on boning [...]
November 16th, 2009 at 12:08 am
oh my god…i almost fell out of my chair.
November 15th, 2009 at 10:04 pm
I love the Professor Gayton and the Bicurious Village People reference. (That’s what my friend calls it). God, I hate copyright protection, or I would’ve had that game weeks ago.
November 15th, 2009 at 9:39 am
People who play WoW just typically don’t get laid, because WoW is a god awful game that takes an uber nerd basement dweller to play.
November 15th, 2009 at 1:48 am
God, I’m so happy people like @Ethel exist.
Newsflash - we all know what the real names are…this is cracked.com, where writers make jokes for us to enjoy. Thank you for making it even funnier, haha…
November 14th, 2009 at 8:41 am
I’ll report you to Uncle Mormon you hitard dickbee! Now you just spoilt my celebate life. It’s my second day today yet yet…’
November 14th, 2009 at 1:16 am
God, men are dumb. Clockwise from left: Hitachi magic wand, something from the 70s, bullet vibe, rabbit vibe, finger “massager”, butterfly vibe with remote control.
November 13th, 2009 at 10:17 pm
I’m glad there is you, Seanbaby, to warn the world about these books.
November 13th, 2009 at 9:04 pm
Sean Baby, you just made my shitty day, and your stuff officially worth sharing. Chest bump this bosomy lady.
November 13th, 2009 at 5:56 pm
Damnit, Seanbaby. Now I want a sno-cone and a Catholic priest. Where the hell am I supposed to find either at this time of night?
November 13th, 2009 at 5:36 pm
One of the best articles by Seanbaby on Cracked. Some real gems in there. Keep it up, man!
November 13th, 2009 at 5:26 pm
The question is, are people desiring celibacy naturally drawn to WOW, or do they have it thrust upon them (pun intended) afterwards.
November 13th, 2009 at 4:23 pm
Hahaha this article had some real gems.
November 13th, 2009 at 3:22 pm
Sean Baby - the best Cracked writer, and a genius. Thanks for the laugh, buddy.
November 13th, 2009 at 3:10 pm
“That’s how Benjamin Franklin died, and why kites no longer come with vaginas”
“Like you, I thought this would be things like how to dissolve roofies into a sno-cone when an altar boy is too fast to grab and too smart to take the pills you throw at him”
“This guy is so backed up that he has to sleep in an oil rig to catch his night discharge”
LMFAO! I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Seanbaby, I wish you were a woman so I could pump you full of kids.
November 13th, 2009 at 10:47 am
Ok, that dental dam pic is… haunting
November 13th, 2009 at 9:35 am
I’ve taken the vow of celibacy for 20 years. WoW has helped alot. I hope some day a beautiful night elf enters my life and helps me break the curse.
November 13th, 2009 at 9:26 am
Seanbaby…fail. Stop trying to be funny, it’s sad and comes through in every article you publish.
November 13th, 2009 at 9:25 am
[...] been a while since I linked any articles from Seanbaby, and that’s a horrible oversight on my [...]
November 13th, 2009 at 8:52 am
Wasn’t Twilight written by a Mormon?
WTF!?
November 13th, 2009 at 8:15 am
[...] Sex Off: 5 Baffling Perspectives on Boning [Cracked] Tagged: 911, baffling perspectives on boning, boner field, Boobs, celebrity wax figures, never go [...]
November 13th, 2009 at 8:06 am
I like how in the gay book, Year One is all about hardcore fucking while you have to wait until years two and three to actually get to know each other.
I also like how somehow Gallagher is the patron saint of the disabled.
November 13th, 2009 at 7:41 am
keep it up seanbaby, one of these days I’ll be fined at work for unrestrained giggling at the workplace. I’ll let you share my fridge box, no prob!
November 13th, 2009 at 5:07 am
Not as good as some of your others mate
November 13th, 2009 at 4:13 am
That dental dam diagram will haunt me forever.
November 13th, 2009 at 2:58 am
I gotta be honest seanbaby, i think your my favorite cracked author.
November 13th, 2009 at 2:56 am
That was actually good, a seanbaby article that was good? that’s a new one.
November 13th, 2009 at 2:30 am
Awesome article.
“This guy is so backed up that he has to sleep in an oil rig to catch his night discharge.”
So much better than that crap about Iraqi jumping jacks.
November 13th, 2009 at 1:41 am
I cracked up reading this one- it actually makes me want to read ridiculous sex books, but I doubt they’d be as hilarious without your commentary.
November 13th, 2009 at 1:32 am
Hey Dr. Steve Brule. You’re an ignorant, ignorant fool. She didn’t claim to get all offended. She merely pointed out that the jokes are based on common misconceptions about the Catholic faith, which is true. The jokes are funny, but the sad thing is that many people believe this about the Catholics. Would it be acceptable if people spread around that Jews really were greedy assholes that controlled all our money? Of course not. Don’t be an idiot. I understand that you’re so superior to everyone around you, but even still, try not to be an idiot. As I was saying, she wasn’t acting all offended, and instead, you made a much larger reaction using extremely vulgar slams that I would expect to come out of a twelve year old’s mouth. She openly admitted that Catholics don’t follow their tenants, which you would have picked up on if your head wasn’t shoved so far up your own ass, yet you tried to criticize her for not wondering “how strongly [she] actually believe[d] the tenets of [her] religion”. And before you get all pissy, I understand that you were directing it not directly at her, but the religious in general. One more quip, then I shall go. We’re all leaving pots on an Internet site. We don’t have lives, fool. Cracked knows this. They make money of this.
November 13th, 2009 at 12:56 am
Great article.
You are hilarious, SeanB! (…and that is why they pay you).
November 13th, 2009 at 12:55 am
Cram it with walnuts NM.
November 13th, 2009 at 12:03 am
Yet another boring article by seanbaby…..yawn. Not funny or interesting at all. I read his last piece, and a few before that. After reading this one, I’ll skipping the rest of his articles. Does Cracked actually pay this guy? zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
November 12th, 2009 at 11:42 pm
Also, to any person who is offended because their religion was mocked in this article: GET A LIFE. If you are so thin-skinned that you let a fucking internet comedy article get you all riled up and defensive, then maybe you should take a good, long look in the mirror and wonder how strongly you actually believe the tenets of your religion.
November 12th, 2009 at 11:37 pm
Hey Sarah, go fuck yourse- …wait, no, you can’t do that. …How about you stop taking yourself so seriously?
But yeah, go fuck yourself. Heaven forbid you might actually experience an orgasm!
November 12th, 2009 at 11:14 pm
yes.
November 12th, 2009 at 10:57 pm
‘Why, if you believe in your heart, anything can be masturbation!’ I think this is gonna be my new catchphrase
November 12th, 2009 at 10:42 pm
Looks like Byuchaos read the anal book too.
November 12th, 2009 at 10:37 pm
So much hilarity! Jeff! *applause*
November 12th, 2009 at 10:36 pm
“Mormons copulate publicly on the body of a fanged monster. That’s some Conan shit to do by anyone’s standards.”
and
“birth control pills are so evil that if you give one to a goat, the beast will curse in the tongue of man.”
Funny as hell.
November 12th, 2009 at 10:20 pm
It’s been said before but i’ll say it again: the Layton cartoon made the entire article. Well done, sir!
November 12th, 2009 at 10:03 pm
yea i’m with mike on the moron thing
November 12th, 2009 at 10:00 pm
“Fact: tennis elbow, indian burns, propulsive gait, and the figure-four-leglock were all discovered by two unmarried Catholics trying to stay religiously legal during their intimacy.”
Best damn line I’ve read on here in a while. Awesome as usual man.
November 12th, 2009 at 9:57 pm
I like the articles where he writes about books much more than most of his other work. This was one of your better written articles Mr. Baby.
November 12th, 2009 at 9:36 pm
OMG!!! The professor layton part was so damn hilarious. I had to laugh like 5 minutes before I could calm down. Haven’t even read the rest of the article but its already made me laugh more than 5 other cracked articles put together.
November 12th, 2009 at 9:10 pm
great article. as an ex-mormon i can say you barely skimmed the surface
November 12th, 2009 at 8:58 pm
This is SB’s third dumpster dive through a used bookstore, and I think the staple of the whole Dumpster dive through a used bookstore genre. As usual, its the pictures that really allow Seanbaby’s articles to shine, lending a few more laughs, and strangely an air of re-readability to the article. They demand you to really strain your eyes to find all the hidden bits. Some (like Timecop above) won’t seem worth it, but it’s the experience as a whole you need to think of.
November 12th, 2009 at 8:40 pm
I look forward to the 4018 Literary Sex Off. Of course, by then seanbaby will be a head in a jar, but at least he’s well read on the problems.
November 12th, 2009 at 7:45 pm
I’ll never make fun of furries again.
Oh who am I kidding, of course I will.
November 12th, 2009 at 7:07 pm
” if youre mostly in a jar, theyll drop a pickle in you” and “Shrieking Anal Cactus” might have been the funniest things i’ve ever read
November 12th, 2009 at 6:54 pm
Celibacy! That image was win. +10 internets to you, sir.
November 12th, 2009 at 6:46 pm
lol Dalaran
November 12th, 2009 at 6:45 pm
The bit about the gay playa was hilarious. Whole article was awesome, actually
November 12th, 2009 at 4:58 pm
funniest thing in my opinion is this bit “spent five chapters dispelling the myth that it’s unsafe to jump ass-first onto a juicer.”
November 12th, 2009 at 4:35 pm
“Step one in being a good Catholic is making sure your ovaries can beat God in a battle of wits.”
Amazing.
November 12th, 2009 at 4:24 pm
Not one mention of aquatic denizen copulation. Racist!! For you undersea dwellers out there, fuck the Carp, not the pirahna! Was that so hard, Seanbaby?
November 12th, 2009 at 4:10 pm
Held every 2009 years eh? I’d like to see the reprint from the year 0. Should be some interesting stuff from the Egyptians and the Old Testament and stuff.
DO IT NAO.
November 12th, 2009 at 3:32 pm
i love whoever put tom cruises face on the gays part. <3
November 12th, 2009 at 3:01 pm
IM A BEE TOO!!! NOOOOO!!
November 12th, 2009 at 2:51 pm
“If you’re mostly in a jar, they’ll drop a pickle in you”
this line made me laugh so hard I snorted. LMAO
i like this article.
November 12th, 2009 at 2:43 pm
Yeah, 3984039843 points for the WoW image on ‘Celibacy’. Someone knows gamers pretty well!
November 12th, 2009 at 2:39 pm
Awesome article. Loved the poke at the catholic way of things. Check out “Make your own sex toys” on Amazon as an idea for a follow up.
November 12th, 2009 at 2:26 pm
“Great 2009 Literary Sex Off, an academic sex contest held every 2009 years.”
I laughed so hard.
November 12th, 2009 at 2:13 pm
The part about the Mormons made me laugh so hard I almost peed. Thanks for that, Seanbaby.
November 12th, 2009 at 2:02 pm
Loved this. I laughed soooo hard. Loved that mormon porch thing.
November 12th, 2009 at 1:59 pm
Oh my!
“It’s like giving readers a puzzle they can only solve with their fingers, mouths, and assholes. ”
You sir, are one in a million.
November 12th, 2009 at 1:56 pm
I’m Mormon, and this was funny! If you can’t laugh at yourself, who can you laugh at? (well, everyone else, but that would just make you a hypocrite). Also, I would just like to mention that a porch has never tried to eat me, although I’ll be keeping my eyes on them from now on.
November 12th, 2009 at 1:48 pm
It took me a minute to see the WoW background. Speaking of which, I’m late for a raid. Go Magic-Wow!
November 12th, 2009 at 1:41 pm
I completely lost it when you scored the illustration of one book “negative used butt towel.” Frickin’ hilarious!
Oh, btw, I’ve owned the device you named The Penalty Box. EXCELLENT piece of equipment!
November 12th, 2009 at 1:31 pm
You, sir, are on a roll. I had just managed to stop randomly laughing everytime i thought about the Iraqi jumping-jacks… If i keep reading you, people are going to think Im schizo!
November 12th, 2009 at 1:06 pm
I actually liked this one, my reaction to SeanBaby is usually “Meh”.
November 12th, 2009 at 12:46 pm
Oh if only Catholics were actually like that.
Mega stereotype, they are often the opposite because of the way they were raised and see it fit to ‘rebel’ by purchasing tons of condoms and having tons of sex.
I’d know, I was raised one.
Pretty funny article!
November 12th, 2009 at 12:39 pm
Awesome article. As a former Catholic, I salute you, good sir. Now I’m off to destroy every flower in the vicinity.
November 12th, 2009 at 12:35 pm
Just when I thought he was losing his funny, seanbaby makes a comeback♥
November 12th, 2009 at 12:20 pm
Man, I wish you were funny.
November 12th, 2009 at 12:14 pm
Off the ball, Seanbaby. This is Cody’s brand of crazy.. you can do better
November 12th, 2009 at 11:59 am
Catholics eh?
November 12th, 2009 at 11:54 am
Yikes. How woefully uninformed; good thing this is a comedy site. The “rhythm method” hasn’t been taught in decades, and orthodox Catholics believe withdrawal would be sinful if done deliberately.
November 12th, 2009 at 11:46 am
My absolute favourite line in Catholism concerning the rhythm method:
“When at the point of ejaculation, withdraw.”
November 12th, 2009 at 11:28 am
Love the picture of WoW behind “Celibacy”
November 12th, 2009 at 11:21 am
Meh. Lately it seems the Seanbaby articles are getting less and less funny to me. Maybe I’m just getting used to Sean’s humor at this point. But, this was good for a few laughs, but I haven’t ruptured anything over SB in about 3-4 weeks. COME ON SEANBABY!!! Hit one out of the park again!!
November 12th, 2009 at 11:09 am
“If you’re mostly in a jar, they’ll drop a pickle in you.”
Nobody does it better.
November 12th, 2009 at 11:04 am
This article was masterfully crafted. Kudos to you, Mr. Baby
November 12th, 2009 at 10:59 am
Seanbaby, seriously you are my favorite writer on all of cracked, i’ve read everything you done and now look forward to ONLY what you write.
keep up the great work…an now that my lips are thoroughly brown from kissin your ass, i’ll say keep up the video game references!
November 12th, 2009 at 10:51 am
You guys should leave Sarah alone… being a Catholic is hard enough without being bombarded with logical thought and reasoning. Mindless obedience to ancient mores, hating homosexuals and shunning contraceptives are not easy things to do.
November 12th, 2009 at 10:42 am
BAHAHAHAH! Many stars. In the Catholics’ defense, however–when they say something creepily specific about sex, it’s generally because a given number of smartasses and would-be comedy writers have asked them creepily specific questions on the subject.
There are probably moral philosophers in the Vatican who pray they won’t be called to act on the continual “seanbaby@cracked.com RE: Blumpkins during Lent” spam.
November 12th, 2009 at 10:34 am
“Plus, I think Catholics have to be married to a pencil for seven years before they’re allowed to draw a nipple.” I want to get this quote, or some variation of it, on a t-shirt.
November 12th, 2009 at 10:30 am
When I saw this was written by Seanbaby, my heart sank because I expected it to be one of those “I bone everyone and Conan the Barbarian is my dad!” articles that he writes, all full of boastfulness and arrogance. But it wasn’t! Congratulations to whoever at the Cracked offices yelled at him and made him stop writing like that. Also, it refers to the disability of “If you’re mostly in a jar…”, which is a stroke of genius.
November 12th, 2009 at 10:18 am
Sarah, do you think that priest raping little boys isn’t a disrespect to the catholic fathers of the kids?
November 12th, 2009 at 10:15 am
sarah shut up
and now for the mormon thing…..i live here in the middle of the asstard festival that is the douche baggy mormon center of stupidity……and sean..you know your mormons…..sadly
November 12th, 2009 at 10:12 am
I am particularly impressed with the nonchalant way you dropped in a tom cruise pic as the backdrop to “gays” That’s when I truly lost it.
Thanks Seanbaby!
November 12th, 2009 at 10:10 am
I don`t think I`ve ever laughed so much to something here on Cracked. Bravo!
November 12th, 2009 at 9:52 am
Loved this line: “It’s where you fill a woman’s reproductive system with sperm and hope that millions of years of evolution aren’t watching.”
November 12th, 2009 at 9:52 am
Figures that this douchebag would disrespect us Catholics! Hey Seanbaby, you’re not even funny dumbass!
November 12th, 2009 at 9:40 am
[...] 2009 Literary Sex Off! 5 Baffling Perspectives on Boning [...]
November 12th, 2009 at 9:40 am
I have to say, from a purely literary perspective, skatfree’s limerick was much better.
November 12th, 2009 at 9:32 am
@skatfree - okay, now that one was funny as hell!
November 12th, 2009 at 9:26 am
“It enters without pants!”
Nj, good article. Each viewing comes w/ a sex offender registry link now to save more time.
November 12th, 2009 at 9:19 am
Farking A, Seanbaby the BEEEEE!!!! That was hysterical. Thank you!
November 12th, 2009 at 9:04 am
haha!! Loved it. It was hot, and informative!
November 12th, 2009 at 9:03 am
All I have to say is I’m an ex-Mormon and that book didn’t cover the half of it. Sweet merciful crap.
November 12th, 2009 at 8:52 am
AAAAAAAAAHAHAHA!!! Well played Seanbaby.
November 12th, 2009 at 8:49 am
“It’s where you fill a woman’s reproductive system with sperm and hope that millions of years of evolution aren’t watching. Step one in being a good Catholic is making sure your ovaries can beat God in a battle of wits.”
” I was about to give up and just represent them with a Maxim magazine, but this book suddenly caught my eye.”
And I’m still laughing out loud at this one: “This guy is so backed up that he has to sleep in an oil rig to catch his night discharge.”
November 12th, 2009 at 8:45 am
There once was a fag called MadMonkey,
Who thought overused memes were funny,
He spends all his nights,
trolling out of spite,
because he can’t get any cunny.
November 12th, 2009 at 8:35 am
Shrieking Anal Cactus.
Just bask in it.
November 12th, 2009 at 8:34 am
@skatfree - was there a portion of the ‘Disabled’ section that encouraged it’s audience to write freeform limericks? That was fucking terrible.
November 12th, 2009 at 8:22 am
This was one of the funniest articles I have read on here in a while.
November 12th, 2009 at 8:21 am
The opening paragraph goes from National Geographic to kites with vaginas in four sentences. That’s…actually pretty damn impressive.
November 12th, 2009 at 8:13 am
Man, Seanbaby, you’re not right. “And since your skin is made out of dog food, swinging you around would just waft your scent into the hound-filled night.” HILARIOUS!
Great article!
November 12th, 2009 at 7:51 am
Ha! I love the choice of background for the ‘Celibacy!’ banner.
November 12th, 2009 at 7:44 am
HAHAHAHAHA, oh god, fucking brilliant
November 12th, 2009 at 7:44 am
“Condoms are like putting a plastic bag over the head of God’s love and birth control pills are so evil that if you give one to a goat, the beast will curse in the tongue of man. So in order to prevent babies, Catholics use the Rhythm Method. It’s where you fill a woman’s reproductive system with sperm and hope that millions of years of evolution aren’t watching”
EPIC WIN, ROFL
the most hilarious article since “Herculoids”
November 12th, 2009 at 7:28 am
You got me at, “Ever since National Geographic invented showing tits to children,” and it was all downhill from there.
Bonus points for the Professor Layton reference… “Curious Village” indeed. Sucks that I have that puzzle music stuck in my head now though.
Now all there is to do is wait around for the concern trolls to show up so they can take faux-offense and start their weekly flame war…
November 12th, 2009 at 7:19 am
Once again you’ve outdone yourself Seanbaby
November 12th, 2009 at 7:13 am
Best part was “Catholics have to be married to a pencil for seven years before they’re allowed to draw a nipple.” LOL
November 12th, 2009 at 7:13 am
This is the best post you’ve written so far. Loved it!
November 12th, 2009 at 7:09 am
“I was about to give up and just represent them with a Maxim magazine,”
Such win
November 12th, 2009 at 7:03 am
There was an article on the Cracked site
Which was written very much like shite
I said hell with this
I’d rather drink piss
Then I accidentally’d a Fleshlight
November 12th, 2009 at 6:56 am
@kneegrows
Dibs!
November 12th, 2009 at 6:56 am
There once was a man called sean,
who’s comedy was the best that’s ever been,
At try first he lacked,
to make me really laugh,
But then his articles made me burst my spleen.
November 12th, 2009 at 6:48 am
Great stuff, you never let us down, thanks very much.
November 12th, 2009 at 6:48 am
Had me giggling until the Mormon section had me choking my coffee. Awesome article, thank you!
November 12th, 2009 at 6:35 am
shrieking anal cactus would be a great band name
November 12th, 2009 at 6:18 am
Amazing as always Seanbaby. +100 points for the Professor Layton picture, -100 points for ruining Professor Layton for me.
November 12th, 2009 at 6:12 am
First!
ah, fuck.
oh well.
hahaha… this is a winner. seriously good work Sean.
November 12th, 2009 at 6:00 am
As far as I ever knew, those illustrations involving the creation of a dental dam are actually (also?) from The Whole Lesbian Sex Book: A Passionate Guide For All Women, which is a fantastic, celebratory, exceedingly helpful and informative book. It’s what hotels SHOULD keep in their bedside drawers.
November 12th, 2009 at 5:57 am
Pelvis Mounted Battle bug?? Are there Insecticons, now?
November 12th, 2009 at 5:57 am
“Plus, I think Catholics have to be married to a pencil for seven years before they’re allowed to draw a nipple”
I am a catholic, and this is the funniest thing I have ever heard about catholisism in my entire life! thats comedic gold right there.
November 12th, 2009 at 5:50 am
I got dem giggles, you rock.
November 12th, 2009 at 5:44 am
so funny, loved it
November 12th, 2009 at 5:39 am
I was dying laughing at the Morman parts, great god as always seanbaby
November 12th, 2009 at 5:38 am
I think the “sexually provocative” tag on the family tree was actually attached to Sarah, the thirteen year old girl at the bottom, rather than Julie. Which doesn’t make the situation any better. At all.
November 12th, 2009 at 5:35 am
Oh god, I’m a bee! I’M A BEEEEE!!!!
That boardered on zen. Amazingly funny article.
November 12th, 2009 at 5:17 am
That disabled mitten has two thumbs!
November 12th, 2009 at 5:12 am
This is my favourite of your articles yet
Awesome work
November 12th, 2009 at 4:43 am
also love the subtle warcraft insult
November 12th, 2009 at 4:42 am
AAAHAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHHAAHHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA good stuff!!!