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2009 Literary Sex Off! 5 Baffling Perspectives on Boning

Ever since National Geographic invented showing tits to children, I've wanted to learn how different cultures deal with sex. And while I've done my best to explore all the world's cultures and religions without their pants on, it seems most of my research on the subject has been limited to the insane community. In your face, ladies. Besides, I need to approach the topic scientifically, and no good has ever come from a scientist putting his dick into his own research. That's how Benjamin Franklin died, and why kites no longer come with vaginas. So instead, I collected books about sex.

You can learn a lot about sex in a used book store. For example, and since I can't resist, you get fewer paper cuts when you fuck non-fiction. Back to what I was saying, and I apologize for the last sentence, I've collected five books that each represent a different culture or religion's sex life. These five books will be read by me and then entered into the Great 2009 Literary Sex Off, an academic sex contest held every 2009 years.

Represented by the book: Human Sexuality: A Catholic Perspective for Education and Lifelong Learning, 1991

This book contains all the erotic secrets of the Catholic Church. Like you, I thought this would be things like how to dissolve roofies into a sno-cone when an altar boy is too fast to grab and too smart to take the pills you throw at him. But it's actually much stranger than that. It's an exhaustive list of the thousands of circumstances that need to be met before God will allow sex. This line summed it up pretty well:

"As we have stated several times in this document, we believe that it is only within a heterosexual marital relationship that genital sexual activity is morally acceptable."

Genital sexual activity? That's so unnecessarily specific that it's almost challenging horny followers to find a loophole. It's like giving readers a puzzle they can only solve with their fingers, mouths, and assholes. Fact: tennis elbow, indian burns, propulsive gait, and the figure-four-leglock were all discovered by two unmarried Catholics trying to stay religiously legal during their intimacy.

Erotistration Rating: 0

There isn't a single drawing in this entire book. I guess with chapter titles like, "Human Sexuality: A Catholic Perspective for Education and Lifelong Learning Chapter 4: Special Groups and Sexual Issues, Moral Discernment and Pastoral Care," there isn't a whole lot of room for pictures. Plus, I think Catholics have to be married to a pencil for seven years before they're allowed to draw a nipple.

Safety Rating: 1

Here's an excerpt: "In keeping with our abiding respect for the inherent procreative meaning of sexual intercourse, it is a teaching of the Catholic Church that one ought to space it "naturally," that is, taking into account the biological ebb and flow of the woman's fertility cycle."

This book makes it clear that if you're using a contraceptive, you might as well be doing so from inside a warlock. Condoms are like putting a plastic bag over the head of God's love and birth control pills are so evil that if you give one to a goat, the beast will curse in the tongue of man. So in order to prevent babies, Catholics use the Rhythm Method. It's where you fill a woman's reproductive system with sperm and hope that millions of years of evolution aren't watching. Step one in being a good Catholic is making sure your ovaries can beat God in a battle of wits.

Represented by the book: The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women, 1998

Due to my love of comedy, I never read a book about regular people having sex. The closest I could come was The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women. To say it's exactly what it sounds like isn't doing its ultimateness justice. Everything you've ever wanted to know is in this book, which is why I wrote this short but ultimate one-sentence guide to reading it: You don't want to know 125% of the details involving anal sex.

Here, I can sum it up with this understatement from Anal Fisting: How To's: "There is going to be some mess, so you should have lots of paper towels on hand." Cherish that-- a carpet cleaner and two garbage men died bringing you that knowledge. This book is so gross you won't even want things coming out of your ass.

Illustration Rating: Negative Used Butt Towel.

If there was a rating I could give the book worse than a 0, I would. And since I'm making the rules, I can. It gets the rating of Negative Used Butt Towel, the lowest number in the world. You want a drawing of a fat woman getting an amateur colonoscopy from a caveman? Check. How about a beatnik wearing only combat boots and anal beads? Yes. I can't tell if it's a magic book showing the reader personalized images of his or her own hell, or if someone was playing MADLibs at the same time they were drawing butt sex. All I know is that you'll have an easier time getting aroused by the interior view of the anorectal anatomy, thankfully included.Safety Rating: 7

After reading this guide, I feel vaguely qualified to perform any medical or sexual procedure on a human butt. That is if my patients or lovers can look past the solid, steady scream I've been letting out since I first opened this book.

Represented by the book: Growth and Intimacy for Gay Men: A Workbook, 1997

I knew I wanted to represent the homosexual community in this battle of the books, but the used bookstore was suspiciously out of gay pornography. I was about to give up and just represent them with a Maxim magazine, but this book suddenly caught my eye. It's a workbook that damaged gay people can use to put their lives back together. And as fate would have it, it's been used.

I know so much about this book's previous owner. As you can see from his highlights above, he took a special interest in the "Merging" stage of relationships, and couldn't give a damn about "Learning to live in harmony." He does this for the whole book. If there's a line about sex, he highlights it. If there's a section on different techniques to get your lover to shut the fuck up, it's lit up like a Cher gown under stage lights. I don't want to sound gay, but I really like this guy.

Illustration Rating: Twenty five question marks.

The only illustrations in the book are complicated flow charts so the gay reader can create genealogy trees. However, since these are homosexual trees, they're mostly about gossip instead of genetics. I'm not making that up. The author has filled in all the boxes with things like "Alcoholic" and "Probably Gay." And get this, Julie and Rick's daughter Sarah has "Abortion 1981 Depressed On Medication In Therapy" by her name. And under that: "Sexually provocative." Roowr! The claws are out, girlfriend!

"Dear Family Tree: Can you believe what Stan was wearing when he impregnated my great-grandmother? HellOOO?!?! It's the 19th century, not the Country Music Awards!"

Safety Rating: 9

If a man with this book ever chooses to have relations with another man, there are 25 questionaires to help him prepare for it, and 35 worksheets to deal with the emotional aftermath. You literally could not have a safer sex life unless you were humping a pillow with a Ph.D in psychology. It was a welcome change from the Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women which spent five chapters dispelling the myth that it's unsafe to jump ass-first onto a juicer.

Represented by the book: Dating and Other Frightening Experiences, 1979

This book is mainly about resisting temptations. Unfortunately, it seems like the author has been doing that for too long and every page is heaving with desperate sexually charged analogies. This guy is so backed up that he has to sleep in an oil rig to catch his night discharge. The following is a passage that will change the way you look at flowers forever:

"Girls, you will never walk into any garden and see any self-respecting flower chasing the bees. Picture that. They won't do it. They know enough to stay right where they're planted, and they blossom, and have a sweet fragrance that comes from within. The bees will come to them. Oh my, how they'll come."

Yikes. Sounds like someone chased that bee metaphor all the way to orgasm.

Illustration Rating: 9 Mormons seem to resist a lot of their temptations on The Porch. At first I thought this meant that Mormons like to make out on the front porch so passing motorists can celebrate their journey to second base together. But as you can see from this illustration, The Porch is an actual monster that sneaks up on you while you do it.

As I hinted at earlier, Mormons have sex through a hole in a complicated series of metaphors, so I'm not sure how to interpret this picture. Is that evil door simply where The Porch Monster keeps its mouth and eyes, or is that the girl's father pressing his face up against the screen door? Either way, it makes no sense why I'm masturbating. Oh god, I'm a bee! I'M A BEEEEE!!!!

Safety Rating: 1

Let's strip away all the flowery language for a second and get real: Mormons copulate publicly on the body of a fanged monster. That's some Conan shit to do by anyone's standards. If you ever wondered why Mormon porches always smell like the insides of virgins, now you know.

Represented by the book: The Ultimate Guide to Sex and Disability, 2003

This book is 334 pages of sexual tips for every type of affliction known to man. If you have arthritis, they'll tell you where to buy some vibrating mittens. If you're mostly in a jar, they'll drop a pickle in you. The problem is, they spread themselves so thin that no single affliction really gets much attention. Just look at these tips on Sex With Ourselves.

There's not one piece of usable advice in that! If I really was a guy with no arms or legs, I want only one answer from the chapter on masturbation-- will a masturbation robot try to kill a masturbation monkey? Instead I get this philosophical redefinition of the term. How does this semantic fruit looping help anyone? "Why, if you believe in your heart, anything can be masturbation! See that sunset? That's masturbation! A low flying aircraft? Masturbation. An aircraft that's... that's coming right at us! We're all going to die! Shit-- really masturbate!"

Illustration Rating: 0 There are only six illustrations in the entire book. Three are diagrams of how to have sex without rupturing colostomy bags, one is a collection of kegel devices, one is anal beads, and one is Satan's own dildo collection (pictured). If I didn't know better, I'd say this is a prank by the handicapped to punk my eyeballs. Well, round one goes to them. Or "us," if you count that I'm now blind.

Safety Rating: 10

The one thing this book has going for it is safety procedures. Before giving any instructions, the authors carefully assume the worst about you. You're a morbidly obese torso, but they can't show you how to build a tension-powered dildo rigging because they're sensitive to your crippling fear of pulleys. And since your skin is made out of dog food, swinging you around would just waft your scent into the hound-filled night. And that would be insane.

So after reading all of these manuals on how to turn sex into a disgusting and unsafe battle against porches and God, I'd have to say the winner is...

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