The Future of Rhythm Games and The Final (Television Entertainment) Solution: The Daily Nooner (EST)!
Awesome Video Of The DayFuck Guitar Hero
There was a time in the not-so-distant past when you and your friends had to learn how to play instruments and start a band if you wanted to rock out. These days we've got these so-called "rhythm games" instead, but there are some problems with them that people are starting to get fed up with. For example, don't you kind of hate it how Guitar Hero and Rock Band pay REALLY close attention to what keys you're pressing and when you're pressing them? Aren't you sick of how they give you incredibly precise & accurate scores based on your performance? Don't you kind of wish you could have the playing-a-fake-guitar experience without actually having to learn how to play a fake guitar? I've heard the collective sigh of bored gamers, and, believe me, it's not a pretty sound.
Can you describe a sound as "sweaty"? It sounds sweaty and asthmatic.
Thank God CES is this week, where Jada Toys has unveiled their new Air Guitar Rocker. Created by a guy named "Nitrous Roxide," the Air Guitar Rocker consists of a hip-mounted speaker and some sort of magnetized pick that lets you rock out to ten (count them - TEN) different riffs, eliminating the need for a guitar, a video game console, or any sort of regular social contact with other human beings. Because c'mon - who wants to play mind-bogglingly fun multiplayer video games when you can sit in your bedroom all alone with a little amp strapped to your hip, strumming "You Really Got Me" over and over again, weeping softly and cursing your cheap bastard parents for not buying you an Xbox 360.
Wildcard!Let's Start A Farm!
So Yasgur's Farm, site of the original Woodstock Festival, is currently for sale for the low, low price of $8,000,000. That's a pretty big chunk of change, but if we can get enough people together to chip in, I think I have an idea that could make us all rich.
First we'll need to round up a bunch of hippies and have them fill out questionnaires. Are you a white person with dreadlocks? Do you have any psychedelic tapestries hanging in your home? Are you wearing patchwork corduroy pants right now? Are you currently (or have you ever been) really good at playing with devil sticks? If they answer yes to any of those questions, they get loaded onto a boxcar and sent off to live and work on a real-life farm! How fun!
There would probably be a lot of hippies to house there, but we'd find a way to make it work - maybe we could build cramped, barracks-style housing and cram them in 15 or 20 to a room. The housing wouldn't matter much, anyway, as they'd be spending most of their time toiling out in the fields - just like real farmers!
Living off the land would teach them all about the cycling of the seasons: planting in spring, harvesting in fall, hoping to grow enough food to last them through the winter. But most importantly, it would teach them how difficult it is to run an agriculturally sustainable farm without any farming experience whatsoever! They would probably take heavy casualties those first few winters, and the survivors would probably turn weak and emaciated, and that all sounds horrible, but get this: that's when we all start getting rich.
As time goes on, we can watch their tie dyes become soiled and threadbare. Some will collapse during drum circles, too weak too go on, while others - the smart ones - will avoid such activities to preserve precious calories. Then they'll start dropping like flies, either from malnutrition, overworking, or brutal hippie-on-hippie violence, scrabbling for the few remaining bandanas and bong hits.
Nobody will know who who's going to go next, and do you know what that sounds like to me? Human drama! Cold & hungry hippies struggling to survive on the land that once held the greatest hippie lovefest of all time? Are you kidding me?! Who WOULDN'T want to watch that? Do you see where I'm going with this yet? Do I have to spell it out for you?
I'm talking about the greatest reality television show of all time. Are you reading this, FOX?
Thanks for the interesting website. This is what most people are not aware of. I love your perspective. Well reasearched and quite an eye opener! ...
ReplyI play Guitar Hero 3 and I'm not afraid to say that I'm awesome. I play on Expert and have mastered to get 5 stars on the Dragonforce song on Hard. Call me a jumped up nerd bitch or whatever, but I've been playing real guitar for 8 years, self taught acoustic and electric. I also have a fantastic pair of tits and a great ass in my favour. Guitar hero rocks, and that's that
Replybeginner electric guitars...
ReplyMadonna quickie pushes 'Hard Candy'New York Daily News, NY- 20 minutes agoAs if to thumb her nose at those who questioned her entry into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame last month, Madonna then appeared with an electric guitar and…...
i play both real guitar and GH III. GHIII is more used to show off to friends and used at parties, while real guitar is used to flirt, both have their uses, and both are fun, expect that real guitar leaves me with a numb left hand.
Replygh is only a game, what sucks is that there are songs that make yu play parts that arent even guitar parts, ruining the whole "guitar hero" thing
has anyone thought of a rock band, but this time, it has a keyboard? it would kick some ass.... expect maybe it'll be just an empty shell with five buttons... who knows? they even made an ugly looking GH for the ds... i wish i could get it, but i have ds phat, so it wont fit my ds... :(
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ReplyI think you are most probably right....
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Replyoh, good times....
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Reply...
To Nick:
ReplyYou are so cool, dont let these idiots get you down,
YOU ROCK,
I am your greatest fan, and will be until my body breaks down,
into the ground,
And i will start a website devoted to you,
cos you ROCK,
and Final Fantasy Rocks,
And i will start a religion that worships you,
Like Nickatology,
And we can get Tom cruise to be in it,
Cos you Rock!
So Much!
I'm not being sarcastic Nick, i really mean it,
i think i am in love with you,
But really nick,
Do you think Karate is cool,
And if so, do u like Chuck Norris?
Betcha u do,
And thats what makes you cool....
so, i dont know how much my opinion counts or anything.... but as a girl and a gamer, i would like to make the following points:
Replyfirst, my opinion as a girl- nick. your karate skills and your pretentiousness will not get you a girlfriend. well, at least not anybody remotely attractive. an unfortunate looking but loveable fangirl, maybe? let me see if i can explain this better. you know how napolean dynamite was funny? its because he didnt know how pathetic he was. you should maybe review that film with a mirror handy.
as a gamer- i suck at playing the real guitar. my hands are too small. i have tiny freakin' hands. i like guitar hero because its fun and relaxing. it gives me a chance to rock out every once in a while. i get to play some bad ass tunes and do some fun fingering and all that. so fuck off. its fucking entertaining. for that matter, i also like ddr. its good excercise that doesnt feel like work.
chillax, kids.
I got Guitar Hero III as a Christmas Gift. It's a neat little game. It even got me interested in learning the actual instrument. I stole a friend's guitar and I played it 'til my fingers bled, like in that song. He was pissed.
ReplyGODDAMMIT!!!
ReplyI had been saving up insults for weeks too! Delicious barbs like the ones in my past 3 posts don't just happen by accident!
Just like the time i was in the war as a trench runner and i tried to stop an ill advised assault i was too late.
Oh shit, that was Mel Gibson
@Rory ,LOL. Love your website by the way.
ReplyEveryone wins.
ReplyYes thats right, i have decided to actually join Cracked as a member. Why you ask? Well thats easy to answer random voice in my head. It is because i have decided to make Nick my full time nemesis. Now dont get me wrong, i DO have a life. I have sex and everything. With GIRLS even. And i do not make a habit of joining boards just to insult people as i find it pathetic, which does indeed make me a hypocrite. But Nick irks me so. He causes such violent responses in me that i felt i had to join and make his (already terrible) life even worse by responding to every post with disdain.
Reply"BUT DALE!!" The readers cry, "YOU CANNOT POSSIBLY DEFEAT HIM! FOR HE HAS MARTIAL ARTS SKILLS THE LIKES OF WHICH HAVE NEVER PREVIOUSLY BEEN SEEN!"
Never fear naive readers, for I have a secret. I trained for years with none other than the masters Chun-Li and Michael Flatley! Which means i could kick him precisely 38.61 times before he raised a hand in anger against me.
Beware Nick! The end is nigh!
Rick Astley was born in England?
ReplyWell thank you for that insightful tid-bit on the origins of fleeting 80's pop stars.
That doesn't help me at all!
If there is something further to add to the knowledge of Rick Astley's birthplace that would explain what a rick roll is, i would like to hear it. But not from you Rick. Never from you. Would anyone who DOESN'T make me want to administer a swift elbow to their jugular like to explain this to me?
Also, why should i know what one is? Just because i was born in the same place as Rick doesn't mean i automatically know everything about him. Hey Rick, you were born in America! That means you must know everything about everyone there! How about you get me Jason Lee's phone number? I want to congratulate him for all his fine body of work, then stuff live chipmunks up his arse for doing that film and ruining everything.
You should know what a rick roll is! Rick Astley was born in England. VH1 pop-up video rules.
ReplyFirstly, I do not know what "rick rolling" is, being new to this internet jobby.
ReplySecondly, Nick, why on Earth have you just spent all of that time counteracting everybody's previous points when you should quite clearly have been spending that time learning to be better on guitar? Because, ya know, thats all you should ever do with your time.
Don't be an idiot man. Noone can spend 100% of their time doing only one thing. Everyone needs time off to unwind. Learning guitar is fucking hard work! I can play (a little) and know how difficult it is. I couldn't spend more than a few hours a day learning new things. Guitar hero is just a fun release, you don't need to be Steve Vai to enjoy playing music. Stop taking everything so seriously.
Thirdly, i disagree with everyones previous points, mostly on principle.
I actually played guitar hero 3 for 36 straight hours. I took no breaks whatosever. When i needed to urinate, there was the highly absorbent carpet on which i stood. When i needed to eat, there was the handy, crusty leftovers left beneath my fingernails from the fried chicken on the previous night. After i had finished this herculean feat i entered a heightened state of awareness. I found i could play any song on guitar that i could think of with no effort. Tunes sprang from my fingers like babies from an old whores vagina. I even managed to play some Dave Matthews songs despite the handicap of having vomit spew forth from my lips at 5 second intervals. So in short, guitar hero is not a waste of time as it allows you to have near superhuman REAL LIFE guitar powers if you would just put a little bit of effort in you lazy cum dump!
Lastly, i made up that bit about Dave Matthews. I'm from England and as such have never even heard any of his songs. I only said i didn't like him because i've read endless comments about what a terrible person he is and i thought i'd jump on the bandwagon because acceptance is, and always has been, my one life goal.
You should have expected it. See, I knew that you would figure that I wouldn't because someone mentioned it before so you would feel safe clicking on the link. So, I pulled the double reverse and posted it anyway. You should have expected that I expected that you would expect that I would post a rick roll. Then, you wouldn't have gotten rick roll'd with the special VH1 pop-up video version of the song.
ReplyYou still got Rick Roll'd.
ReplyThat's pretty amazing how you thought to Rickroll us with your video after somebody specifically said, "If only when Nick posted his “guitar” vidoes, he’d have rickroll’d us. That would have been the pinnacle of awesomes."
Reply