There was a time in the not-so-distant past when you and your friends had to learn how to play instruments and start a band if you wanted to rock out. These days we've got these so-called "rhythm games" instead, but there are some problems with them that people are starting to get fed up with. For example, don't you kind of hate it how Guitar Hero and Rock Band pay REALLY close attention to what keys you're pressing and when you're pressing them? Aren't you sick of how they give you incredibly precise & accurate scores based on your performance? Don't you kind of wish you could have the playing-a-fake-guitar experience without actually having to learn how to play a fake guitar? I've heard the collective sigh of bored gamers, and, believe me, it's not a pretty sound.
Can you describe a sound as "sweaty"? It sounds sweaty and asthmatic.
Thank God CES is this week, where Jada Toys has unveiled their new Air Guitar Rocker. Created by a guy named "Nitrous Roxide," the Air Guitar Rocker consists of a hip-mounted speaker and some sort of magnetized pick that lets you rock out to ten (count them - TEN) different riffs, eliminating the need for a guitar, a video game console, or any sort of regular social contact with other human beings. Because c'mon - who wants to play mind-bogglingly fun multiplayer video games when you can sit in your bedroom all alone with a little amp strapped to your hip, strumming "You Really Got Me" over and over again, weeping softly and cursing your cheap bastard parents for not buying you an Xbox 360.
Wildcard!Let's Start A Farm!
So Yasgur's Farm, site of the original Woodstock Festival, is currently for sale for the low, low price of $8,000,000. That's a pretty big chunk of change, but if we can get enough people together to chip in, I think I have an idea that could make us all rich.
First we'll need to round up a bunch of hippies and have them fill out questionnaires. Are you a white person with dreadlocks? Do you have any psychedelic tapestries hanging in your home? Are you wearing patchwork corduroy pants right now? Are you currently (or have you ever been) really good at playing with devil sticks? If they answer yes to any of those questions, they get loaded onto a boxcar and sent off to live and work on a real-life farm! How fun!
There would probably be a lot of hippies to house there, but we'd find a way to make it work - maybe we could build cramped, barracks-style housing and cram them in 15 or 20 to a room. The housing wouldn't matter much, anyway, as they'd be spending most of their time toiling out in the fields - just like real farmers!
Living off the land would teach them all about the cycling of the seasons: planting in spring, harvesting in fall, hoping to grow enough food to last them through the winter. But most importantly, it would teach them how difficult it is to run an agriculturally sustainable farm without any farming experience whatsoever! They would probably take heavy casualties those first few winters, and the survivors would probably turn weak and emaciated, and that all sounds horrible, but get this: that's when we all start getting rich.
As time goes on, we can watch their tie dyes become soiled and threadbare. Some will collapse during drum circles, too weak too go on, while others - the smart ones - will avoid such activities to preserve precious calories. Then they'll start dropping like flies, either from malnutrition, overworking, or brutal hippie-on-hippie violence, scrabbling for the few remaining bandanas and bong hits.
Nobody will know who who's going to go next, and do you know what that sounds like to me? Human drama! Cold & hungry hippies struggling to survive on the land that once held the greatest hippie lovefest of all time? Are you kidding me?! Who WOULDN'T want to watch that? Do you see where I'm going with this yet? Do I have to spell it out for you?
I'm talking about the greatest reality television show of all time. Are you reading this, FOX?