Every day, frustrated people around the globe wonder via sarcastic t-shirt whatever happened to the future we were promised as children. A future in which everyone flies their hovercar to a four-hour workday at the cybermines, breaking off only to pop a protein pill and hop a transport tube to the exercise pods.
After all, the iPhone is kind of like a Star Trek communicator (especially this iPhone) and some of those giant glass underwater hotels they’re building in Dubai rival Heinlein on a good day. But what about the rest? Our jetpacks, robots and laser guns? Were they just sweet fiction, the hollow promises of a society longing for the comfort and freedom of a spandex unitard?
Sadly, no. The disappointing truth is that the futuristic devices we’ve demanded for so long are already here. Just different … and kind of shitty. It’s like when you order something at Denny’s based on the picture on the menu, but when the food comes out it looks like a pile of phlegm smothered in gravy. Behold: the future (in phlegm and gravy form)!
What We Were Promised: Forget gun control, bullets will be obsolete once we get our hands on an ion-spitting, atomic-powered, soul-searing plasma cannon. From Han Solo’s handy blaster to Kirk’s minimalist phaser (complete with multiple firing modes), the laser gun has become so intrinsic to our vision of the future that we created laser tag just so our children could train in their usage, in preparation for the inevitable laser wars of 2013. The ray gun is proof positive that while mankind may have enough collective imagination to envision a futuristic multi-verse where vast empires slug it out on the galactic scale, we aren’t quite up to imagining doing so with anything other than a good old-fashioned, pleasantly phallic six-gun in our hands.
As Seen In: Star Wars, Barbarella, Alien, Farscape, Dune, Doctor Who, anywhere lightsabers are unavailable.
The Pale Imitation: Scientists have actually made a pass at the ray gun. Only problem is it’s the kind of pass you used to make on essays about how you spent your summer vacation. Instead of a hand-sized blaster spitting ionized crimson death, the military has proudly unveiled an invisible sound wave that kind of burns and is the size of a truck. Here’s a video of a middle-aged “60 Minutes” reporter easily foiling it with a mattress.
Well, even if we can’t look forward to Star Wars-style laser battles, at least we can rest assured that our enemies, provided they don’t have any mattresses handy, will have to step literally several feet to the left in deference to our mighty future arsenal.
What We Were Promised: There’s nothing more passé than eating food. We’ve been doing it for thousands of years now, and it’s time to move on. Soon enough, the only people shoveling food into their mouths will be out-of-touch Neanderthals watching tumbleweeds roll by at the abandoned food court. Meanwhile, the rest of us will be popping protein pills by the handful, saving us enough time to read books describing how stuff used to taste back in the primitive days.
As Seen In: The Jetsons, Soylent Green, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.
The Pale Imitation: Tiny cans of ass-flavored soda, nutrition bars that virtually demand to be eaten four at a sitting, and the addition of the word “energy” to the front of nearly every food product imaginable. And while the food is getting smaller, it’s a long way from pill size. In the meantime, instead of focusing on cramming all that goodness into a single dot, food companies have taken to making shitty-tasting versions of all their regular foods.
Energy cereal? Really? This distraction could prove fatal to the future of food pill technology. If we’re not careful, the trend towards down-sizing food could become totally derailed and end up with shelves full of energy-boosting hot dogs, memory-aiding muffins, and chicken breast that inoculates you against polio.
What We Were Promised: As early as 1900, man was envisioning a future in which all major cities were connected and traversed with smooth-moving, safe, and speedy robotic sidewalks or, failing that, at the very least some kind of city-wide vacuum tube that whipped civilians through the air to their destinations at staggering velocities (and yet, against all logic, never resulted in the splattering of the tube’s interior with the remains of a commuter who leaned a little too far to the left).
As Seen In: Metropolis, Caves of Steel, Minority Report, Futurama
The Pale Imitation: The Segway. It moves you around at about walking speed, and instead of costing the government billions of dollars to install moving sidewalk technology all across the country, it costs rich douchebags a few thousand dollars to graphically point out that they are, in fact, rich douchebags (who shop at The Sharper Image no less). And in case you can’t afford a Segway, or don’t want to be seen riding one, you can get a taste of the future at nearly any major airport. That 100-yard segment of moving sidewalk is just long enough to let you slip into a daydream about shuttling effortlessly from place to place, but not long enough to let you actually enjoy it.
What We Were Promised: Health, beauty, strength, longevity, and, in some cases, immortality. Whether you rubbed it on your skin, ingested it, prayed to it, soaked in it, or shot it directly into your eyeball, it keeps you alive longer and that makes it all worth while. After all, you’re going to want as many good years as possible battling the zombie plague that has overrun the scorched and desolate Earth. Even better, unlike the medicines of today, futurejuice has no unsightly or painful side effects (unless you count the crushing loneliness of watching everyone you know and love perish while you live on).
As Seen In: Star Wars (Bacta Tank), Star Trek (Medical Bay), Hyperion (The Cruciform), Metal Gear Solid (Nanobots).
The Pale Imitation: The secret to eternal youth has been sought since before Ponce De Leon stumbled around the swamp half a millennium ago, and we’re sad to report the search hasn’t progressed much since then. Of course, modern society’s got plenty of youth-restoring technologies: plastic surgery, miracle cream, a machine that will electrocute your stomach for hours on end (so that you don’t have to!). But what we were promised was something as easy as downing a restorative elixir or soaking up some healing rays, not getting our boobs injected with ass fat. And while scientific studies have shown that there is a method that can increase lifespan up to 50% in lab rats and chimps, it turns out that method happens to be a strict calorie-reduced diet and intense exercise regiment. What a rip.
What We Were Promised: That even if none of the other wondrous future technologies materialized, at least we’d be able to pretend they existed in a really meaningful way. We demand the kind of total immersion that will make us forget our family, job, and life, and spend the rest of our days soaring over fantasy worlds on the back of a majestic griffin. You know, like WoW. Only the future WoW will plug directly into your neural cortex and have an add-on that lets you bang movie stars.
As Seen In: Demolition Man, The 13th Floor, Tron, The Matrix, Lawnmower Man.
The Pale Imitation: Video games, long the leading edge of giving us lives better than our own, is once again the standard when it comes to modern-day VR. You’ve got the Wii, which can simulate the physical act of bowling so closely that it makes you wonder why they chose the most boring thing in the world to simulate. You’ve got MMORPG’s, which, while they aren’t physically immersing in any sense, at least give you a consistent virtual world in which to deal with the same insufferable pricks you logged on to escape from. And if you’re still jonesing for that true, headset VR experience, you can always don some 3D-glasses and take in Journey to the Center of the Earth. Yeah, we’re sad too.
What We Were Promised: Cars. That fly. Is it that difficult a concept? It’s not like we’re asking for a fishing pole that fits in our pocket, or a television capable of cooking a brisket (although that would be nice). We’ve got flying things, we’ve got cars. Some simple arithmetic yields screaming streaks of red and chrome cavorting overhead at Mach speed. Or dozens of fatal mid-air collisions a day. You know, whichever.
As Seen In: The Jetsons, Blade Runner, Stranger in a Strange Land, Back To The Future II.
The Pale Imitation: If you’re sick of waiting around with nothing but a private helicopter to satisfy your hovercar fantasies, then you’ve got two options. Either you can pony up half a million bucks to reserve one of the world’s leading brand of flying car, the Moller (may we suggest selling your private helicopter?), or you can look for cheaper alternatives. The Moller is, in all actuality, a car that flies. Downsides are the fact that they’ve been in production since the 1960’s and aren’t yet on the market, and the aforementioned half a mil. The cheaper alternative, the hovercraft, gives you all the rush of a flying car, just a few feet off the ground! Plus they mostly come in neon day-glo, and you get to wear a snazzy life vest!
The choice is fairly clear.
What We Were Promised: A compliant subclass of laborers who tackle every chore with cheerful precision, acquiesce to our every fantasy no matter how perverted, and band together in a bloody uprising only occasionally. Frankly, an uprising would almost be worth it if the robot fantasy finally paid off in all of its many variations: the robot maid, worker, pet, child, lover, et al. And besides, when the uprising does come, the robots surely won’t kill those of us who have already chosen to become cyborgs (which is to say, all the cool people).
As Seen In: A.I., Star Wars, Lost in Space, Futurama, Terminator.
The Pale Imitation: Nearly every category of robot has been produced, with resoundingly disappointing results. Instead of Rosie the feisty robot maid, we get Roomba, the vacuum that roams around your house running into walls. Not enough, you say? If you really want the full robot maid experience, go for a Japanese robot toilet as well. At least that’s one function we’re pretty sure the Jetson family didn’t get. The robot pet angle has been laughably covered by Tamagatchis and Aibo, one of which dies if you go 10 minutes without feeding it, and the other of which moves like your dog’s got some sort of horrifying bone disease. Sexbots? Real dolls. Robot factory workers? Illegal immigrants. Cyborgs? A guy who implanted a device in his hand that lets him unlock the door to his house (we assume the laser cannon arm is forthcoming). Everywhere you turn, a lackluster robot is waiting to confront you with its lack of functionality and dead eyes. Looks like the uprising’s a ways off.
What We Were Promised: What better way to use all these vacuum tubes and ray guns than the formation of a pan-global mishmash of human cultures and customs? Politics, race relations and language barriers will finally be blended into a monotonous gray paste, for better or (just as often) worse. Combining all of the world’s countries into one monolithic mega-state not only presents a united front to alien invaders and cuts out all the hassle of a transparent government responsible to the people, it also saves the future’s map and flag makers countless hours of work.
As Seen In: Brave New World, Star Trek, Blade Runner, Logan’s Run.
The Pale Imitation: There is indeed a global, unified society that bridges all national boundaries and cultural differences, and you’re on it right now. Yes, tragically, the Internet is as close as we’ve come to Star Trek’s vision of a united mankind. Roddenberry dreamed of gleaming white cities, universal health coverage and starvation relief, and a renaissance of human creativity and exploration. He’ll have to settle for lame humor lists and as much horse porn as he could possibly want (and from what we know about Gene Roddenberry, that’s saying something). Look around you, readers; this is as good as it gets. And if that doesn’t make you long for the simplicity of the 1930s, when all they had to contend with was the Great Depression and roving dust bowls, think about this: There’s someone painstakingly updating Josh Groban’s Wikipedia entry right now.
When not writing for Cracked, Michael takes far too long to produce sketches as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren’t Muskets!
Last 5 posts by Michael Swaim
- If You Wanna Make An Omelette, You Gotta Let Some Kids Get Molested - November 13th, 2008
- CNN Ushers In Era Of Incisive Reportage With New Holograms - November 12th, 2008
- The 7 Deadly Sins of Online Gaming - November 7th, 2008
- If McCain's Concession Speech Was As Bitter As His Campaign - November 6th, 2008
- Class War! A Handy Guide - October 30th, 2008
November 21st, 2008 at 7:39 pm
A different company is making a new brand of flying car called the Terrafugia Transition. It is available but costs roughly 115,000 but still pretty cheap next to 500,000. Sadly you need a pilots license to fly it though… but you can drive it without flying and it gets better mileage in the air or on the road than most cars do.
November 7th, 2008 at 12:57 am
Well give us a chance! Some of us are still in college, and will be unable to start working on rectifying these problems until we get done.
C’mon… everyone’s so impatient. Give us a few years, man!
September 7th, 2008 at 11:38 am
soooo funny, great article
August 14th, 2008 at 2:02 pm
This is like if you bashed the early airplanes because we where promised more. The first editions of everything will always suck
August 6th, 2008 at 5:27 pm
8 Badass Sci-Fi Predictions That Came True In Lame-Ass Ways…
Every day, frustrated people around the globe wonder via sarcastic t-shirt whatever happened to the future we were promised as children. A future in which everyone flies their hovercar to a four-hour workday at the cybermines, breaking off only to pop …
August 4th, 2008 at 9:25 pm
[...] For Traumatizing Infants. (Cracked) - 8 Badass Sci-Fi Predictions That Came True in Lame Ass Ways. (Cracked) - 25 Villainous casting suggestions for new Dark Knight films. (Den of Geek) - 100 Things to do [...]
July 27th, 2008 at 12:44 pm
[...] This is a very good article… › [...]
July 23rd, 2008 at 6:08 am
[...] 8 Badass Sci-Fi predictions that came true… sort of [...]
July 23rd, 2008 at 2:52 am
in regards to the #1, what about the north american union, the european union etc. in the hopes of a one world government, seems immanent to me which would quite easily develop a globally unified society i would think…
July 22nd, 2008 at 9:41 pm
Yeah, um, next subject. I don’t want to get stuck with child support, any more than I want to have to fly to Scotland every other weekend.
July 22nd, 2008 at 7:53 pm
It’d be one hell of a confused baby that’s for sure.
July 22nd, 2008 at 7:49 pm
I don’t know but I’m betting that would be one fucking ugly baby if it’s true.
July 22nd, 2008 at 6:13 pm
glendoor42, are you sure you didn’t mean “knocked you up?”
July 22nd, 2008 at 2:34 pm
for number 4 you left out a show all about virtual reality.Digimon.
July 22nd, 2008 at 4:54 am
You didn’t have to braid my goddamn hair afterwards.
July 21st, 2008 at 11:08 pm
That’s a lie; he did the whole “Oh, my god; I’m like sooooooo drunk now” thing and pretended to pass out on the couch with his bellybutton exposed.
July 21st, 2008 at 8:30 pm
knocked you out, i meant.
July 21st, 2008 at 8:30 pm
That J-Pappi knocked you and had sex with you, just be glad you’re not a dead hooker.
July 21st, 2008 at 7:55 pm
This has entered some very wierd territory. I’m kinda lost now, I forget what that’s suppose to even imply.
July 21st, 2008 at 7:29 am
Ah, the old “sniff my damp rag” trick.
Works every (third) time.
July 21st, 2008 at 4:37 am
I can’t remember putting out
I was wondering why you asked me to sniff your damp rag.
July 20th, 2008 at 11:55 pm
And by the way, not to make you feel like a slut or anything but that was sparkling white grape juice.
July 20th, 2008 at 11:52 pm
I know everyone already knows this, but I suddenly feel the urge to reiterate it.
Titties are awesome.
Ross, I’m glad to hear you’re a Scot. My maternal ancestry is Scots-Irish-Welsh which gives me three reasons to resent the Brits, all within their own borders. They do have great theater and comedy shows, and I love bloody, rare roast beef and ice cold gin. But that doesn’t mean they aren’t ultimately wankers.
July 20th, 2008 at 1:16 pm
I’m Scottish buddy, but I’ll forgive your gross insult.
And we can, but stop trying to give me rose wine, you know it goes to my head.
July 20th, 2008 at 12:36 pm
My bad, Ross; I thought you were an expatriated American living in England for some reason. Sorry about the “Limey” comment the other day. Can we still snuggle together during chick flicks?
July 20th, 2008 at 9:13 am
…..You really have to stop hitting the whisky so early buddy.
Anyone who grew up in the UK didn’t need sci fi to lie to us about future developments. We were lied to on a weekly basis by a show called Tomorrow’s World. We were promised Hover Shoes and a table tennis playing robot.
July 19th, 2008 at 7:04 pm
Oh, c’mon! A Globally Unified Society is certainly coming, thanks to our good friend Obama. Right? I mean, didn’t he say, um, what did he say, um, …. hope! That’s it–hope! We just need to hope, ‘n’ stuff. Like–here goes–I hope we don’t end up eating copious amounts of shit. There. See? I hope so! Let’s hope we don’t eat shit! Yayy!
July 19th, 2008 at 3:11 pm
Hmm, I don’t seem to recall any “Global Unified Government” in Blade Runner…in fact, I clearly remember America being mentioned.
With regard to flying cars, the trend (if we’re lucky and the economy doesn’t collapse) may go toward small, Very Light Jets (but they would have to be cheaper than the 2 million dollar Cessna Mustang!).
That being said, if smaller, short-range aircraft which can double as cars (such as the Spinner from Blade Runner) are developed, there would have to be some sort of automatic control to keep morons from flying them into buildings…also they would likely always be quite expensive, so I doubt everyone would have them.
Ray Guns….Air Bourne Lasers definately fit the bill (as well as ground-based anti-missile lasers, and hopefully Space Based Lasers (but so little is heard these days on SBL’s, which leads me to think that perhaps we do have some in orbit and the Government wants to keep it low-profile) because who really wants nuclear warheads to come raining down on your country when you can destroy them when they’re still in space?
July 19th, 2008 at 1:22 pm
We won’t be seeing flying cars for a long, long, long, long, time. We already have enough problems with air traffic, and more clutter in the skies isn’t going to help. Even today, we’re still struggling to make it safe to fly in the air.
July 19th, 2008 at 10:25 am
Great blog/article Swaim. Just elect me World Leader and I’ll form the utopia that everyone dreamed of back then.
And right on Keira Knightley!!
July 19th, 2008 at 8:03 am
Or at least one dude did.
July 19th, 2008 at 7:55 am
Because everyone wants to have sex with Keira Knightley?
July 19th, 2008 at 1:01 am
Why does the sex doll have a face that looks an awful lot like Keira Knightley’s???
July 19th, 2008 at 12:24 am
We need to call in and custom order one of those dolls to look 68 and have Down’s syndrome. Really, though; can you imagine a more depressing job than working at that place and taking orders over the phone? Would you not be forced to look at life in a really fucked up and depressing way even when off work? Would you be trying wigs on your old lady just out of habit? Or accidentally trying to pull her face of and rinse it after jizzing in her mouth? Jesus wept.
July 18th, 2008 at 11:12 pm
lightsabers are from Star Wars. #8 “the Ray Gun”
July 18th, 2008 at 10:01 pm
Really? hard to believe.i heard this news times from many friends playing on a tall dating site : Tallloving……com ,i did not believe, i think that they are know nothing but dating and love.
i am wrong.
July 18th, 2008 at 7:12 pm
dude this is such a stretch. none of these are even close to what was expected.
July 18th, 2008 at 6:01 pm
wow those real-baby things scare the hell out of me. thanks kingmonkey+1, i will now have nightmares of those things.
July 18th, 2008 at 5:36 pm
I watched a BBC America special on freaks with Real Dolls. Most likely because I was feeling way too optimistic about the future and worth of the human race and needed a reality check. Talk about some seriously fucked up folks. Thankfully they didn’t show full on Dollbanging, lest I be unable to see to type this due to the gouging out of my own eyes.
July 18th, 2008 at 5:25 pm
There’s a simple reason why we won’t be getting flying cars anytime in the next thousand years. Ready? People are retarded. Think about how shitty most of the drivers you encounter on the road are, you really want those people in control of half-ton blobs of fast moving metal? Over the roads, or taking shortcuts above your house?
That’s right.
July 18th, 2008 at 5:15 pm
[...] Fonte da juventude 5- Realidade virtual 6- Carros voadores 7- Robôs 8- Sociedade global unificada http://www.cracked.com/blog/2008/07/17/the-future-is-now-and-it-sucks-10-sci-fi-staples-and-their-la... O texto comenta sobre o que foi prometido em cada caso, em qual filme ou série foi visto e o que [...]
July 18th, 2008 at 5:08 pm
So does a damn digital watch.
July 18th, 2008 at 3:28 pm
Furious Crawdad, if you have a cell phone, you have a hand held super-computer. Your average cell phone has several thousand times the processing capability of the computers used on the Apollo missions.
July 18th, 2008 at 1:43 pm
Maplebang!!!!!!!!MapleBang!!!!!!Maplebang!!!!!!!, There, happy?, or did I make a Casnadian demon disappear?
and that 68 year old lady wasn’t that damn retarded, but Mrs.glendoor42 sure as shit is for Maplebanging you.
July 18th, 2008 at 1:19 pm
Dammit, glendoor42, where’s my MAPLEBANG!!!
I pay you to do one goddamn thing and you can’t even do that right. I didn’t think you’d have this hard a time, after all, your wife MAPLEBANG!!!s me all the time if you know what I’m saying.
July 18th, 2008 at 12:52 pm
Nice post! I also saw many hot sexy photos&videos on____PlusMeet.c om___, where big boobs hotties, big booty beauties and big manful guys meet for fun&love!
July 18th, 2008 at 12:34 pm
Great satire! I do like my roomba and my water cat-the polaris pool cleaner,however.
We need great minds and inventors to save us.
July 18th, 2008 at 11:47 am
You know, a lot of the stuff you have doesn’t seem impressive cos it’s been gradual to you, and it doesn’t seem impressive to my generation because they grew up with his and they think history is gay, but everyday I wake up thankful I was born after the cold war with all the entertainment I could ever need at my fingertips. It is amazing to live on this planet, in the first world countries at least.
It was a good article, though. I smiled a little bit.
July 18th, 2008 at 10:53 am
Bittersweet….:)
July 18th, 2008 at 10:41 am
Flying cars! Damn you have high standards. I’ll settle for the “120MPH Superhighway of the Future” that Popular Mechanics was promising us back in the last century.
July 18th, 2008 at 10:07 am
Real doll testimonials excerpt
“When I opened the crate I gaped…..”
Giovanni
Thanks for sharing.
- glad this wasn’t a video response.
We really need a dedicated article or blog on real dolls.
The possibilities are immense.
July 18th, 2008 at 9:05 am
WOW….I just read this on a hot forum on tall dating site:Tallloving…….com which is a hot dating site for all tall friends and tall singles.
July 18th, 2008 at 9:01 am
[...] I read this: And while scientific studies have shown that there is a method that can increase lifespan up to [...]
July 18th, 2008 at 8:06 am
That’s it? You were moderating me becuase I added “http://” in front of the first url?
July 18th, 2008 at 8:05 am
Someone asked about the moon bases we were supposed to have by 1997. I think we all remember the cautionary tale of Space: 1999. If you put a moonbase up there, it’s gonna eventually lead to cataclysms!
J-Pappi, it’s funny you should mention sex with retards as recently, a 68-year old woman with Downs’ syndrome was arrested for forcing a 34-year old man with some other mental handicap to perform oral sex on her! www2.tbo.com/content/2008/jul/16/hillsborough-judge-opts-full-hearing-caregiver-sex/
For people creeped out by Real Dolls, here’s a nightmare waiting to happen: http://www.reborn-baby.com/ for painstakingly crafted babies which are reported to be accurate in biological detail. I have not read the FAQ for cleaning instructions as I value what few shreds of innocence I have left.
July 18th, 2008 at 8:04 am
Someone asked about the moon bases we were supposed to have by 1997. I think we all remember the cautionary tale of Space: 1999. If you put a moonbase up there, it’s gonna eventually lead to cataclysms!
J-Pappi, it’s funny you should mention sex with retards as recently, a 68-year old woman with Downs’ syndrome was arrested for forcing a 34-year old man with some other mental handicap to perform oral sex on her! http://www2.tbo.com/content/2008/jul/16/hillsborough-judge-opts-full-hearing-caregiver-sex
For people creeped out by Real Dolls, here’s a nightmare waiting to happen: http://www.reborn-baby.com/ for painstakingly crafted babies which are reported to be accurate in biological detail. I have not read the FAQ for cleaning instructions as I value what few shreds of innocence I have left.
July 18th, 2008 at 7:45 am
[...] 8 Badass Sci-Fi Predictions That Came True In Lame-Ass Ways (Story/Pics/Videos) [...]
July 18th, 2008 at 7:42 am
Swaim, does the woman on the Segway get away from the rapists?
July 18th, 2008 at 7:40 am
Many people are discussing it at wealthy dating club R I C H L O V I N G.C O M, where the hot affluent singles and sexy girls and models to hook up for Hot Love, Flirt and Sexy Dating!
July 18th, 2008 at 7:33 am
What happens to gay people when they get hit by the gay bomb, do they just become more flamboyant or is there some sort of reverse effect where they all start voting republican and cursing the liberals north of the mason-dixie line?
July 18th, 2008 at 6:51 am
Bloody brilliant
Thanks!
LM
July 18th, 2008 at 6:05 am
Atomic War Baby, my first reaction was to ask you what it’s like to have sex (sarcastically), but after noticing your baby talk, poor grammar and grossly incorrect info about Rush (first performance in 30 years? Really?)…I’m thinking you’re either a troll or your concept of sex with “wimmen” doesn’t extend beyond the other retards at the daycare center. Good luck with all that; I’m sure she’s only drooling ’cause she likes you, not because she has defective genetics that keep her from closing her mouth.
July 18th, 2008 at 6:01 am
[...] Link Tags: Futurism, Gadgets, ScienceFiction [...]
July 18th, 2008 at 5:16 am
What does happen if I use a hovering car mounted ionized ray gun on an internet picture of a sex doll ? Will we enter the phase II of the Kardashev scale ?
July 18th, 2008 at 3:51 am
Two versions of two of these you missed:
Moving sidewalks can be seen at most airports nowadays. They tend to go about 5 yards, then stop, leaving you the rest of the what feels like 9½ miles to lug a suitcase of arm-dislocating weight.
Ray guns were actually very successfully developed in the 1940s for Japanese soldiers to use in battle by Professor Yagi and his team. Sadly, as they needed about a million volts to power them, the number of batteries your average soldier would have had to carry would have been even heavier than the average holiday suitcase. Still, they did have a practical use - they’re now the world’s most popular type of TV aerial (for UHF tv, at any rate - VHF doesn’t have to be so choosy, which is why you see more of them in Europe)
July 18th, 2008 at 2:57 am
The dumbasses making the stupid dirty comments about having sex with wimmen, obviously have never gotten close to hooking up with a real woman! They’re so obviously lame juvenile twerps sitting in mommy and daddy’s basement, pecking away at their wittle bitty laptops, trying to be all macho manly. NOT!
This Sci Fi “cracked” piece was hilarious, funny as hell. Colbert Report was also way cool if you missed it Wednesday or the repeat Thursday, he had RUSH on, 1st performance in 30 years and it was awesome. “We get high on you…” yeah!
July 18th, 2008 at 2:21 am
If aliens are real and we do eventually make contact with them, then that’s our best shot at creating a utopian society. Why be enemies with your own race when there’s an alien species invading your planet?
July 18th, 2008 at 1:24 am
There’s no ray guns in any of the Alien movies…
July 18th, 2008 at 12:22 am
Oh, so hot lady! It was said she just enjoyed hot dating with a black guy on *inter racial chatting.com*so many fans show interesting to her hot photos and videos there. Nice to enjoy more details about it…
July 18th, 2008 at 12:22 am
You mean the only unifying element to the human race is teh intranet? …We’re boned.
July 18th, 2008 at 12:12 am
Did you check why Logan was running?
July 18th, 2008 at 12:07 am
Oh, so hot lady! It was said she just enjoyed hot dating with a black guy on *inter racial
chatting.com*so many fans show interesting to her hot photos and videos there. Nice to enjoy more details about it…
July 17th, 2008 at 11:50 pm
I think they missed the concept of a vitamin on the pill food. And what about intravenous therapy if they’re going to show Luke taking a bath in his self-cleaning techno-diapers?
I wonder if it would work to water ski behind the hovercraft… You’d be the only guy looking cooler than the guy driving it!
July 17th, 2008 at 11:17 pm
meant fucking SELL!!!!!!
July 17th, 2008 at 11:16 pm
They sale Segways at Samsclub now. $4500. I just saw it while I was looking to see how much a fountain drink machine is.
July 17th, 2008 at 11:15 pm
it isn’t as sophisticated as it’s the same old good cracked.
for example with the ray gun, alright, fair enough there is no gun that fires light… but there are lasers that shoot down planes (drones at least) and missiles. the government ran into trouble with russia for testing on one of their own satellites. the writer is right, it would be a hand held device (until we get a small energy source that is strong) if we were able to attain the needed power to give a meaningful burst. right now the powerful lasers are too inefficient and require huge power sources (chemical lasers) to give a huge blast of light.
so my point was that all my chat was geeky, and cracked was cooler and not really that nerdy. making fun of the sci-fi really.
July 17th, 2008 at 10:13 pm
It’s very depressing humanity is not able to work & live in peace together forever. We could solve so much & all live much better with less pain & suffering globally.
one love ftw!
July 17th, 2008 at 9:58 pm
You know what future I like to imagine? The Fantastic Planet one. Brings a wistful tear to my eye, or maybe that’s just my brain melting out of my tear duct from the music. For those who don’t know what I’m talking about, look it up on Youtube.
July 17th, 2008 at 9:45 pm
dude, i had mine for a few months, and it stopped having its period. i think im gonna be a dad. also, after a few weeks, the spunk goes off and starts smelling. ewwww
July 17th, 2008 at 9:38 pm
what if the robots decide cyborgs r worse than human as they were neither human nor robot. much like how some see mulatto children or more often how the chinese/japanese feel about half breeds
July 17th, 2008 at 9:37 pm
Wait a minute. Don’t get her eyelashes wet? What if you jizzed all over them? It’s a fuck doll, for Christ’s sake, are you supposed to be a gentleman and not skeet in her eye? That’s the whole POINT of the thing is to not have to put up with women’s bullshit and not get a disease from a hooker. Of course, I just go ahead and skeet in their eyes anyway (real ones, not dolls), especially if they’ve taken a lot of time putting on makeup to go out. Women love that shit. And they’re a lot cheaper than 6500 bucks unless you marry them.
July 17th, 2008 at 9:32 pm
After reading the comments and all you people saying i don’t want flying cars because of the possibility of accidents…..there is no way the governments of the world would let the general public pilot their own flying cars it would all have to be computer controlled and assuming the hardware and software work properly, it will be infinitely safer the occasional mechanical failure will happen…but over all good
July 17th, 2008 at 9:16 pm
[...] we’ve demanded for so long are already here. Just different … and kind of shitty.read more | digg [...]
July 17th, 2008 at 9:04 pm
Is it just me, or is the blog meant for a more sophisticated readership than the actual site?
July 17th, 2008 at 8:39 pm
You talk like you’ve never heard of FISHPEN!
You poor uneducated bastards!
Of course you weren’t asking for a fishing pole in your pocket, because this glorious device is ALREADY yours for 20 bucks!
http://www.fishpen.com
July 17th, 2008 at 8:28 pm
Re: “Transports”–The picture from “Metropolis” was of the conversion of the robot Maria into the clone Maria that then proceeded to destroy the city from the bottom, up. However, the machine didn’t send her anywhere. What you did not picture was Le Gare Montparnasse under the City of Paris where moving sidewalks will carry you effortlessly from one Metro train to another while the haunting strains of the violin waft over you all. the. way.
July 17th, 2008 at 8:28 pm
Jesus H. Christ. If you’re gonna spend *$6,500* on a sex doll, it’d just be cheaper to kill yourself.
July 17th, 2008 at 8:27 pm
hi kthxbie
July 17th, 2008 at 8:14 pm
There is a movie that is coming out or is out about where we would be if we followed the original plan of space exploration. About fouty years further than we are now.
July 17th, 2008 at 7:34 pm
What about our promised Moon base by 1997? In the 60’s we had all imagined vacationing in the next century on the Moon. And all we got was a lame Russian space station that eventually was allowed to crash into the ocean and a NASA space station where the toilets don’t always function.
July 17th, 2008 at 7:11 pm
@ Spencer: Hippy commune = a lot of pot = awesome. Nuff said.
July 17th, 2008 at 7:11 pm
Where are the Battle Mechs? My favorite video games and anime promised me BATTLE MECHS!
July 17th, 2008 at 6:45 pm
This article wasn’t as funny as some other ones, but it was a) well-written, b) clever, c) interesting and d) a Michael Swaim joint. Well done sir, well done. A+
July 17th, 2008 at 6:36 pm
I’m surprised that someone who is familiar with R. A. Heinlein would miss this one… Roomba is based on Hired Girl, a cleaning robot in his novel, “The Door Into Summer.” Going by the description, it’s almost exactly the same thing.
July 17th, 2008 at 6:16 pm
Am I the only one whos glad we’re not living in the unified society of Brave New World? It’d be like living in a hippy commune.
July 17th, 2008 at 5:41 pm
RJ, you make an interesting and enlightened point, however there is one thing you failed to consider; cockassdick.
July 17th, 2008 at 5:00 pm
I don’t know how. and I don’t know when. But I promise i will be using footage of the cbs guy trying to count to 4 in a HBN.
July 17th, 2008 at 4:35 pm
I would love to comment on what a great article this is Swaim, but I’m to busy designing a doll, A Real Doll.
July 17th, 2008 at 4:20 pm
Yeah! Bob’s right! The Alien series not only uses bullets, they go into great detail about exactly the type, make, calibre and type of bullet… Amazing, really, when I consider that I both know that fact and have a beautiful girlfriend…
July 17th, 2008 at 3:30 pm
You can’t have flying cars. Drinking and driving is enough of a problem, imagine Joe Sixpack crashing into your living room on the 229th floor of the building you live in.
July 17th, 2008 at 3:22 pm
The Alien series uses bullets. Come on, Swaim, I thought you were a better geek than that.
July 17th, 2008 at 3:15 pm
“9. How do I clean my doll?
A cleaning kit is included with every doll which consists of a douche ball and antibacterial soap. As soon after you have used your doll as possible, flush the cavities out with warm water and antibacterial soap. The face of the doll can be removed for easy cleaning. You can run the face under hot water to clean it but avoid wetting the eyelashes.”
Jesus Christ.
July 17th, 2008 at 3:12 pm
Wait a minute! Wasn’t the ray gun just featured on this site under “5 Famous Sci-Fi Weapons That They’re Actually Building” ?!?!? come on now where’s the consistency?
July 17th, 2008 at 3:10 pm
Oh, I dunno. If all you do is hang out on the social networking sites, then yeah, the internet quickly seems like a world-wide exercise in futility. The net has replaced the television in many modern households as the babysitting machine, which is why you tend to see legions of squealing shit-brains all trying to muster the most original dick jokes and concise one-liners (also usually dick-related, in some context).
But once you move away from the textural noise of other people’s kids and really go exploring, you can easily spend hours winding through vast, interconnected webs of useful and enlightening information. In what other era could a layman have a question about, oh, RF signal modulation - and within an hour or two, he’s already found answers to his question AND gained a higher understanding of fundamental radiological principals. If he so chooses, he could pursue this field of inquiry until he becomes familiar with radiological technology to the point that he’s something of a physicist.
It sounds incredulous to say it that way, but it’s true. Anything you want to know about is out there. All it takes is ignoring the kids and their babysitting sites (of which Cracked, naturally, is not a part).
July 17th, 2008 at 2:16 pm
One of the leading causes of death in my state is drunk driving accidents. I’m stuck on whether the copious amounts of human lives lost would be worth all the video footage we would get of aerial explosions if flying cars existed. I’m going to go with a resounding ‘yes’, only because I own a camcorder.
On an even more pointless I’m-commenting-on-a-blog-because-I’m-bored level, none of these things came to fruition because the sad truth is that people in the past were unbelievably stupid and came up with stupid ideas. I’m actually surprised that our grandparents weren’t dreaming of days filled with Protein Enemas administered by those creepy half-animal things from Second Life while floating around on nuclear powered Laz-E-Boys (or WERE they??). Thank god for a boring, safer and not nearly as creepy future.
July 17th, 2008 at 2:07 pm
I want a transporter - a personal sized one so I can live in a wonderful villa that is really really cheap and work in a large city for mega bucks. Time to go home? No problem. Push a button and there I am. Lunch in Paris? Let’s go! Toilet papering the Taj Mahal? I’M IN!
July 17th, 2008 at 1:59 pm
pretty much all stories that involve globally unified societies are totalitarian or fascist
& we already have robots
didn’t you guys post an article about robots….
July 17th, 2008 at 1:34 pm
Holy smokes!!!!
Don’t read the FAQ’s on the realdoll website, just plain creeeeepy.
July 17th, 2008 at 1:10 pm
Flying cars will never happen and people wouldnt want them too. That would suck to have all the dumbass people in the road, in the air. People would be flying into stuff everyday, both accidental and on purpose…
July 17th, 2008 at 1:06 pm
stem-cells = fountain of youth.
July 17th, 2008 at 1:01 pm
If Job Bluthe has a Segway, I want a Segway.
July 17th, 2008 at 1:00 pm
Actually, the ray gun (aka. the ray sattelite dish) was built for crowd control so it’s not supposed to be melting starships.
As for the moving sidewalks, just imagine what they’d to for the obesity problems. I mean, you’ve gotta walk sometimes!!
And the flycars were covered in an article about future tech that would actually suck! I agree! No flycars!! EVER!! There’s only one reason I live on the 24th floor. There ain’t no cars there!!!
July 17th, 2008 at 12:54 pm
Seeing the way people drive on flat surfaces, I’ve decided I really don’t want flying cars. Oh no. Do not want.
Come to think of it, I don’t really want any of this stuff. Except maybe the youth part. I could lose the joint pain. The rest of the list? Not so much.
Thankfully, we got other stuff instead: the internet, wireless communication, better and smaller data storage. There is lots more stuff too. All in all, the future is a pretty cool place, even without a flying convertible.
July 17th, 2008 at 12:19 pm
And you, schmoil, fail to deliver the not-being-a-dick casserole we all wanted to enjoy today. Even if you don’t think Swaim is funny, you could at least condescend to him like a child and tell him he did a real, real good job. Give him a hug, man. Swaim is an awesome hugger.
July 17th, 2008 at 12:05 pm
This article fails to deliver the funny.
July 17th, 2008 at 11:56 am
Ah well. Who needs universal health care, clean cities, and an end to human suffering, when you can have horse pr0n?
July 17th, 2008 at 11:47 am
I had no idea this was a blog entry. Well done.
Realdolls? Seriously? This is a sad time for humanity.
July 17th, 2008 at 11:09 am
Global unified society… I love it
This is funny too: http://youtube.com/watch?v=xjyo-kh5jO4
July 17th, 2008 at 10:30 am
Conventional guns will never be obsolete! Haven’t you ever seen Firefly?
July 17th, 2008 at 10:24 am
Swaim is hilarious!
July 17th, 2008 at 10:23 am
You bastard El Assowipo you fucking bastard you made me look at the realdolls testimonials. Vanessa has a little sister….. oh thats not right…
July 17th, 2008 at 10:18 am
Hey Swaimarino, check out this guy’s page (http://davidszondy.com/future/futurepast.htm) to see many of the other things about our future that should have come true by now.
Seriously, though, food pills? Why would we really even want them? I like tasting things. Random things. I have learned some hard lessons.
July 17th, 2008 at 10:10 am
Adam Savage is not cool
July 17th, 2008 at 10:10 am
I always wanted Penny’s computer book from Inspector Gadget. Then I noticed that my laptop was kinda like that. Then I was sad. I guess what I really wanted was a dog that would talk to me on walkie-talkie.
July 17th, 2008 at 9:57 am
Dude, Transport Tubes would be SOOO Cool. I am sure they will be a reality within the next 50 years or so. Just a matter of time. I think Gene Roddenberry had a true vision of the future!
JT
http://www.Ultimate-Anonymity.com
July 17th, 2008 at 9:54 am
I don’t know about you guys, but I think I could play with this thing…
http://www.physorg.com/news122819670.html
…until the laser cannon arm is available. I want one soooo bad.
July 17th, 2008 at 9:49 am
I had a blower on my Segue…But I hit a bump, she fell off and I got my dick stuck in my zipper.
July 17th, 2008 at 9:47 am
They seem to have edited their FAQs since last I checked, but I do recall one of the questions was: “Can I use my RealDoll as a pool toy?”
I think they may have discovered a hitherto untapped market for the things.
July 17th, 2008 at 9:39 am
dear. god. the testemonials on the realdoll site. dont read them before the amnesia pill is invented.
July 17th, 2008 at 9:37 am
I had some Frosted Flakes Gold.
It only gave me enough energy to purge, rinse my mouth out with bleach, and hate myself.
Then I felt even more tired.
July 17th, 2008 at 9:33 am
Flying cars are common. They’re called airplanes.
July 17th, 2008 at 9:27 am
Ass-flavored soda…no kidding!!!!
HA HA HA
July 17th, 2008 at 9:13 am
I’d like to play with a Segway, I guess, but I’m not really that interested. I have a moped, anyways, and that’s definitely more fun. Probably.
July 17th, 2008 at 9:13 am
Wow. A globally unified society and the most we can say in it is “LOL”. We’ve come a long way, baby.
July 17th, 2008 at 9:11 am
Bullettooth, how exactly do you get killed by a gay bomb?? I mean, you may get sodomized to death maybe, but that’s a little improbable, don’t ya think?
Somebody should seriously invent a fast Segway. It can’t be that hard, just… i don’t know, put a bigger engine? Is it really that hard?
July 17th, 2008 at 9:07 am
No mention of the Ford Pinto flying car in the 70’s? They sold them, and they were in fact Pintos with wings and a prop. Yes, it’s as terrifying as it sounds.
July 17th, 2008 at 8:56 am
I hate the segway. However true it is that rich douchebags have them, they forgot to mention all the sad mall cops. And Adam Savage…… he’s the only cool one who has one of them.
July 17th, 2008 at 8:56 am
Death by gay bomb would be a shame. Cyborgs are here though. Artificial hearts, chips in eyes that allow the blind to see. Also, the nintendo power glove.
July 17th, 2008 at 8:55 am
I’m surprised you didn’t include The Fifth Element in the list of movies with flying cars, especially since it looks like that’s where your picture was taken from.
July 17th, 2008 at 8:53 am
I saw many hot videos at a black bbw dating site called blackbbwmeet.com. You can even check out more s e x y, hot photos and videos there.
July 17th, 2008 at 8:52 am
interesting… i always wanted a flying viking long ship……
July 17th, 2008 at 8:49 am
Most of this stuff I can do without, but goddamn I want a hand-held super computer.
July 17th, 2008 at 8:47 am
This was a blog entry? I thought I was reading an article. Well written.
July 17th, 2008 at 8:40 am
All this might be possible some day, if we manage not to kill ourselves off with nuclear warheads, anthrax, gay bombs etc
July 17th, 2008 at 8:17 am
ha!