Mark Wahlberg strides into the Funkodrome, sporting his original 1991 Calvin Klein Jeans slung suggestively beneath the elastic band of a pair of boxers. The chiseled crevice between his beefy pecs guide the eye up towards his head, where a baseball cap is perched, mischievously askew.
Scottie Gee, Duffle, Ashey Ace, DJ-T and Hector the Bootie Inspector sink deeper into their 5-man Luv Sac, avoiding eye contact.
Hey guys! Guess who heard about the reunion tour!
After an intense whispering match, Ashey Ace is elected to break the news to Marky, and he solemnly stands.
What’s going on? Come on guys; let’s load up the van and get going! I canceled everything for the next two months!
Listen, Marky, about the tour…
Sensing something is wrong, Mark lets the basketball jersey draped over his shoulder slip to the floor.
You can’t be serious.
Look, we all talked it over, and…
Come on guys! It’s me! Marky!
He busts out a flashy ankle-driven body spin. The silence in the room is deafening.
We just think The Bunch is going in a different direction.
Hector the Bootie Inspector is overcome by inner shame.
It’s nothing personal.
Nothing personal? Nothing personal?! How can it not be personal after all we’ve been through? Recording the soundtrack for Surf Ninjas?! “You Gotta Believe” going gold?! Our video game for the Sega CD?!
DJ-T, always the sage of the group, tries to diffuse the situation.
Good times all, my friend. But was is it not written in the Bible, gam zeh ya’avor: “This too shall pass?”
Shut the fuck up, T, or I’ll shove that pipe up your limey ass!
Scottie Gee can contain his rage no longer.
See? This is what I was talking about! He’s changed, man! He was in a Scorsese movie and now he thinks he’s too good for the Funkies!
Yo yo, I got no idea what youse is talkin’ abouts.
See? He’s using the accent right now!
Marky lunges at Scottie, and they beat one another savagely.
I Heart Huckabees was overrated!
With a mighty heave, Marky Mark projects Scottie out an open window, and he plummets the entire height of the 30-story Funkodrome, to be dashed upon the craggy shores of Taveuni Island, Fiji.
Within instants, DJ-T is at his side, staring fixedly at the small patch of crimson spreading in the frothy waters below.
Dear god…what have I done?
It’s okay. I’m pretty sure no one knows all of the members of The Funky Bunch anyway. Hell, I had to Wikipedia us just to remember all the names to write on the tax forms.
Hector Inspects a Booty. Exuent.
When not blogging for Cracked, Michael watches Three Kings on DVD as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren’t Muskets!
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May 29th, 2008 at 3:51 am
This post really worked for me. I do a great impression of Mark Wahlberg in my head, informed mostly by his performances in Boogie Nights and the trailer for “The Happenin’”.
May 19th, 2008 at 11:35 am
haha- “hector inspects a booty”
fantastic post sir
May 16th, 2008 at 3:19 pm
The Dawn of the Dead remake was better than the original.
May 16th, 2008 at 11:04 am
The American version of The Office is superior to the British version. The Funky Bunch is better without Marky Mark. America was better when it was colonies, states suck. Van Halen is better with Sammy Hager. Mad is better than Cracked. New Coke is better than Classic Coke. The Dawn of the Dead remake was better than the original. Clear Pepsi is better that regular Pepsi. Radio is better than television. Salieri was better than Mozart. One of these things is true.
May 16th, 2008 at 7:55 am
I love Mark Wahlberg. The Funky BUnch are nothing without him. You hear me? Nothing.
Also, they suck either way.
Also, I heart Huckabees was overrated.
May 16th, 2008 at 7:51 am
Marky Mark needs to be reminded that he is white. Pretty funny ancillary blog post on that very topic. ThingsWhitePeopleHate
May 16th, 2008 at 5:20 am
Cool, but the lack of a spirit-of-Bill-Hicks-crossbowing-Marky-Mark-in-the-abs related incident didn’t make this the greatest story EVER told.
May 16th, 2008 at 4:37 am
I have no idea what any of this means. Please reference things I am familiar with in future.
May 16th, 2008 at 1:37 am
Yeah, but that was just in the first ten minutes. Then things got even MORE awkward and stumbly and cry-ish
May 16th, 2008 at 1:31 am
People on the show hilariously stumbled from one awkward situation to another and then went home and cried because they aren’t as funny as the British Office
May 16th, 2008 at 1:27 am
No, what happened?
May 16th, 2008 at 12:25 am
That was funny and all….but did anyone catch the season finale of the Office?
May 15th, 2008 at 11:46 pm
Scottie Gee lives!!!!!!
May 15th, 2008 at 11:46 pm
Actually I won’t take a second to point out what a great article this was , because Swaim killed my favorite member of the Funky Bunch. who do you think wrote the Wikipedia article
that they referenced for their tax forms.
May 15th, 2008 at 11:17 pm
Will no one take a second to point out what an awesome post this was? Must I always be the responsible one?
[This post was awesome, Swaim. No snideness or glibness here, no cheap jabs at your alleged homobeastiality. This was an awesome post.]
May 15th, 2008 at 6:34 pm
No, that was all Marky Mark. Though Gladstone was the body double for “Harry and the Hendersons” for Harry just in case any one wasn’t sure.
May 15th, 2008 at 5:40 pm
I heard a rumor that Gladstone was the stunt penis stand in for Marky Mark in Boogie Nights. Anyone care to confirm or deny that for me?
May 15th, 2008 at 4:44 pm
This post is entirely fallacious. I was just having tea and scones with Mark the other day and he remarked that, given the advance sales to ‘The Funksters leave their Mark’ tour, he was going to be able to afford to eat both in the morning AND the evening. Capital, I replied….Capital.
May 15th, 2008 at 4:42 pm
Yes it was and so is this.
May 15th, 2008 at 4:15 pm
That was not a waste of a comment. Neither is this.
May 15th, 2008 at 4:15 pm
No one can say First.