If you’re anything like me, you love spending your hard-earned cash on new products. Clothes, technological gizmos, home furnishings - I could spend a whole paycheck on bendy straws and fake asses if you twisted my arm. Here’s the problem: For as much as we all enjoy draining our bank accounts on bendy straws and fake asses, our hectic 21st-century schedules often don’t leave us much time for shopping. That’s why when I’m running short on bendy straws, fake asses, or any other product, for that matter, I turn to a magical website called Amazon.com.
You might be wary of shopping online. That’s understandable - the prices are suspiciously low, and identity theft is at an all-time high these days. You also might be completely out of your mind, suffering from a mental condition that drives you to compulsively scrub your hands raw, collect little bits of string from dumpsters and gutters around your neighborhood, or commit horrible, unspeakable acts under the inky blanket of night. That’s why I’ve written this guide to navigating the sometimes-complicated, often-terrifying world of Amazon.com… for foaming, raving lunatics.
Let’s get started!
What’s your poison? Gourmet food? Musical instruments? Actual Poison? No matter what it might be, Amazon probably has you covered - and at rock-bottom prices, too!
Let’s pretend you’re me for a second. Take a moment to get into character. Got it? Okay. Now that you’re me, you know as well as I do that all of the surfaces in your home are crawling with invisible, microscopic germs. Don’t worry, though - Amazon has nearly 20,000 cleaning products to choose from! You and I both know - you’re me now, remember? - that the war against microscopic germs is unwinnable because the world is fundamentally and irreversibly UNCLEAN, but with so many products a click of the mouse away, why not give it a shot? Besides, at these prices, can you really afford NOT to?
Which reminds me: Did you know that many computer keyboards are diritier than a TOILET SEAT?!?! Better pick up some keyboard wipes and hand sanitizer while you’re at it! That should take care of “99.99% of most common germs,” but what about the other 0.01%? What about the UNCOMMON germs? Maybe you need a UV Wand… but how do you disinfect the UV Wand itself? You’ll need to buy two, use one to disinfect the other, and then throw the first one away - here’s some latex gloves you can wear while carrying it to the garbage.
While we’re at it, here are some Kleenex boxes for you to walk around in and some mason jars for urine collection. Combine the orders and you’ll qualify for free shipping!
Buying hand sanitizer and urine jars is great and all, but with so many different products to choose from, how are you supposed to know which one is right for you? That’s where one of Amazon’s best features - user-generated commenting - comes into play.
Let’s pretend you’re me for a second. Take a moment to get into character. Got it? Okay. Now that you’re me, you know as well as I do that the government is trying to control your mind with satellites that send signals to a tiny chip they’ve implanted in your skull. You also know that lining your dank, cave-like studio apartment with aluminum foil will block the satellite transmissions, but different brands of aluminum foil have different thicknesses, and there are dozens of products available to choose from. How are you supposed to know which one will give you the most bang for your buck? By reading user reviews, that’s how:
Have you always suspected that reptilian humanoids secretly run the entire world from hidden underground caves? We’ve all wondered about it at one point or another, but with so many different books to read on the subject (eight books - EIGHT!), where to get started? Once again, user reviews to the rescue!
See how helpful your fellow Amazon.com users can be? Sometimes the best place to turn for help is other consumers… you know, people just like you! But while it’s nice to imagine a web-based utopia made up of people looking out for one another, you need to exercise caution: Everyone has a voice on Amazon, and unfortunately, that means there are bound to be some folks posting comments who are - how can I put this delicately - less than reliable.
As you can see, not all user reviews can be trusted. Try to use your best judgment.
Now that you’ve got a feel for the basics, the hardest part will be keeping track of all those products you want to purchase! Luckily, Amazon has a built-in “Wish List” feature for just this purpose.
Let’s pretend you’re me for a second. Take a moment to get into character. Got it? Okay. Now that you’re me, you know as well as I do that planning a romantic evening with a special young lady can be a daunting, sometimes stressful occasion. Every detail - from your freshly-pressed tuxedo to the chilled bottle of Dom Pérignon waiting in the limo - needs to be perfect, and it can be difficult to keep it all straight in your head. That’s why when I have a lot of things I need to buy, I use Amazon’s Wish List feature to keep track of it all:
See how easy that is? Try it out for yourself - you’ll be amazed by how much better you’ll feel with a well-organized shopping list to look at.
Congratulations - you’re now an expert Amazon.com shopper! Why not treat yourself to something nice?
Last 5 posts by Ross Wolinsky
- The 5 Lamest Forwarded Emails (And Why Your Mom Loves Them) - November 19th, 2008
- The 5 Biggest News Stories You Missed During Election Season - November 6th, 2008
- "I Have Brain Cancer": 6 Amazing Non-Sex Scenes from Porn - October 21st, 2008
- 15 (Worthless) Things We Learned from the Town Hall Debate - October 8th, 2008
- Porn, Pizza and Awesome Roller Coasters: Vote Wolinsky In '08 - September 24th, 2008
October 18th, 2008 at 12:59 pm
is it weird that the same people who bought used ground beef on Amazon.com also bought the new Panic at the Disco cd?
no, that seems about right to me.
October 15th, 2008 at 8:19 pm
awesome, all that you left out is the search other people’s wish list function and how stalkers and paranoid schizo’s can really take advantage of it
October 9th, 2008 at 12:47 am
hilarious. Loved the reward. Did you read the review of ‘MEAT” by Reviews Written by
Theresa Bodmer “ENJOYER OF BEEF” RSS Feed (I WISH I KNEW)
August 21st, 2008 at 8:29 pm
Dear God in Heaven, that chloroform is REALLY for sale on Amazon! I thought it was a photoshop. That should be handy for a little date rape or accidental snuff. Honey, honey, HONEY…….Oh, shit!!
August 18th, 2008 at 8:15 pm
How the fuck did you get to see my wish list? And where are the nylon zip ties?
http://www.amazon.com/Black-Nylon-Cable-Locking-4-8mm/dp/B000RB2DOS/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&s=automotive&qid=1219108494&sr=8-2
August 18th, 2008 at 5:49 am
Goddamn I want one of those.
Can you attach a gun turret?
August 17th, 2008 at 9:52 pm
I’ve been a fan of bizarre things found on amazon for a while now, and thought I’d share my favorite with you guys:
http://tinyurl.com/http-www-amazon-com-JL421-Ba
Be sure to check out the reviews.
August 17th, 2008 at 5:32 pm
Psh. My uncle set his whole house on fire when he was young. My mom had five brothers and they all thought it would be fun to play with the light switches. Her family had to move after the house burned down.
August 16th, 2008 at 10:18 pm
It was the bottom drawer.
August 16th, 2008 at 9:17 pm
Both, but that time it was an accident. He had got my Daddy’s lighter and hid under the bed so no one would see him playing with it and the cloth under went up like a bonfire.
I just kinda remember thinking what a weird dream I’m having, I can’t breath, there is all this smoke and Momma and Daddy are carrying a burning mattress out of the room. What a dream. Good thing this is a dream ,I thought, because if it were real you think they might want to get me out of the room before I suffocate.
Personally, I believe the motherfucker was trying to kill me because of a long standing dispute over who tore up a Adam West Batmobile, I did not but glendoor44(my youngest brother) sure thinks so , thinks so until this day.
Inadvertently it may have saved my life, a few years ago our house burned, electrical fire, I was the only one home and was taking a nap. All of the sudden I couldn’t breath and I thought ” gee the last time I couldn’t breath like this was when my brother set the bed on fire. Hmmm HOLY SHIT DUDE FIRE FIRE RUN RUN RUN!!!!!
I escaped in case you’re wondering.
August 16th, 2008 at 12:50 pm
Does he really hate you or was it accidental? Because I had a weed fire once, not so much a weed fire as in I was high and decided to burn a love letter I was going to send to my ex. It then set the room on fire.
August 16th, 2008 at 12:48 pm
One of my younger brothers set the bottom bunk bed on fire when I was on the top bunk asleep. True story.
August 16th, 2008 at 12:40 pm
I imagine my comments in Sean Connery’s accent too.
No, I’ve never slammed my dick in a drawer, but I did once fall off a bunk bed from about 2 or 3 feet and crotch my nuts on a wooden beam.
August 16th, 2008 at 12:22 pm
No J-pappi, I imagine ross’s comments in sean connery’s accent.
August 16th, 2008 at 11:22 am
Yes Ross, but what we really want to know is if you ever slammed your dick in a drawer?
August 16th, 2008 at 4:38 am
I think the Scottishism adds to it, as does the rugby. It’s more a foolhardy instinct of wanting to run into things or fight things. I have no feeling left in my right ringfinger.
Scots will see an enemy and instead of fearing them, rightly, or in some way trying to protect themselves they’ll just run at them. We’re as close to Neanderthals as it’s possible to get.
Thus we successfully headbutted the menace of international terrorism.
August 16th, 2008 at 12:27 am
The brain damage explains the accent. Does anyone else here read Ross’ posts with Craig Ferguson’s voice and bagpipes in the background? Don’t feel bad, dude; I’ve got a Southern accent from hell that slips out bad when I get drunk. Meaning most of the time. I sound like Larry the fucking cable guy.
marckw, that was not a cool image. Ouch.
August 15th, 2008 at 11:00 pm
I once slammed my dick in a drawer. I was shaving after the shower. Had a drawer on the vanity that stuck partially open. I didn’t realize the professor was checking out the drawer contents when I leaned forward to see if I missed anything shaving. The drawer popped loose. The professor looked like he was wearing a necklace around his turtleneck.
August 15th, 2008 at 10:23 pm
zing
August 15th, 2008 at 1:56 pm
“You wanna rethink that “no brain damage” claim?”
he’s Scottish, please, they are born that way.
August 15th, 2008 at 12:52 pm
Panzer-Stier Ross said:
Then I fell backwards off the top of a slide and my head bounced off the kindergarden school floor like a basketball. Luckily no brain damage.
Then he said:
Now, at 20, I play rugby.
You wanna rethink that “no brain damage” claim?
August 15th, 2008 at 10:03 am
Also I was a fucking clumsy kid. I went into hospital at something like age 5 after I ran head first into my nana and made her drop a tray of boiling coffee all over me, something like second degree burns. I had to wear a string vest to stop myself blistering over.
Then I fell backwards off the top of a slide and my head bounced off the kindergarden school floor like a basketball. Luckily no brain damage.
Then, I think I was 10 maybe 12, I was crawling through a barb-wire fence and caught my arm, ripped a huge slash down it. I have a massive scar, but the best thing is you can see the puncture mark.
Now, at 20, I play rugby. You might say I really do like pain.
August 15th, 2008 at 9:57 am
When I was in high school someone grabbed me and smeared vapor rub underneath my eyeball.
That bastard hurt.
August 15th, 2008 at 7:27 am
I was tricked into eating some super-spicy seaweed flakes a ‘friend’ had brought to high school years ago. I still remember the pain.
The funny thing is, now I love hot foods (to a point). My friend and I have this ongoing bullshit copetition that started entirely by accident. We talk in really fake eastern European accents and describe the hottest thing we’ve ever eaten and how it was nothing. We’ve gotten to extreme levels of exaggeration now, just to outdo each other. (Like, one time I ate the sun, it was mildly piquant.)
This whole thread seems to be going in that direction, except that everyone’s insane pain stories are real (or at least plausible enough that no one’s asking questions).
Greengoddess, hot sauce on the taco sounds delicious!
August 15th, 2008 at 6:57 am
agreed glendoor42, when your time is up its up.
and im not a big fan of spicy stuff either. but after eating that sauce, nothing seems spicy anymore. I think it killed the tastebuds that pick up on spicy stuff.
August 15th, 2008 at 1:07 am
That will do it. I don’t do hot stuff, like I don’t even put pepper on my food. I will occasionally
put pepper sauce on collards or turnips but that is about it. I’m also deathly allergic to sulfa.
So regardless of my above popping off at the mouth I ain’t fucking Superman, shit I’m lucky to be walking around. I always believed when your time up, your times up , but that don’t mean to tempt fate
August 15th, 2008 at 12:53 am
oh yeah, the reason I threw up was because I ate some of the hot sauce.
this was the stuff.
http://www.firegirl.com/hs1172hf.html
August 14th, 2008 at 10:07 pm
Another 1 you need to watch out for is lighter fluid. I filled my zippo before heading out on a date once, and stuck it in the front pocket of my shorts as i was getting into my truck. I didnt make it a mile down the road before my nads felt like they were on fire. i pulled a u turn and headed back as the pain intensified and held out 4 about a half mile before stripping on the side of the road and then continuing to drive, with tears streaming down my face, the rest of the way home,running into the house nakid(from the waist down anyways) and jumping into the shower with my shirt still on. A half hour later the pain level lowered enough that i could hold back the tears long enough to call and cancel the date.
It took about 3 weeks for the hideous chemical burns in the inside of my thigh, nads, and little guy to heal
August 14th, 2008 at 8:58 pm
No my Daddy is Tom Berenger!!
He cut his leg one time on barb wire fence and he said to me drive me to the emergency and I said I’m only fourteen and he said shut the fuck up and do what I tell you.
He sewed himself up with fishing line and a fishing hook to stop the bleeding( it was bad ), while I at fourteen drove him to the hospital.
August 14th, 2008 at 7:57 pm
But really, though; I had a ‘67 Chevy pickup that was overheating back when I was in high school and this guy who was riding with me went to grab for the cap. I was in the process of saying “I don’t think…” and that shit splashed all up his arm and chest and he was hating life. We had to pay some homeless guy to get him a bottle of everclear to drink to try and kill some of the pain. He looked like he had radiation poisoning. Radiator poisoning? Anyhoo, I wouldn’t wish that shit on anyone.
August 14th, 2008 at 7:54 pm
Oh, c’mon, Glendoor; you know every single event was like when that guy got his intestines blown out in Platoon and was lying on the ground screamin’ for Momma and Sgt. Barnes (Tom Berenger) climbs on top of him and clamps the guys mouth shut with his hand and stares down at him from his ugly, grizzled, battle-scarred face with his psycho eyes and growls “TAKE THE PAIN!” And the guy shuts the fuck up and does.
You’re Tom Berenger, man. Fucking hardcore.
August 14th, 2008 at 7:37 pm
The blog regulars are killing me today. I just wanted to throw my 2 cents in. Never had vapo-rub, gasoline, bleach or hot sauce on the taco, but I did once have to hit the shower for a cinnamon flavored “massage oil.”
@glendoor42 : your pain list is truly awesome. You’re a Southern Boy, right? That’s a Bubba list for sure.
August 14th, 2008 at 5:43 pm
Yeah and like I took all that other shit like a man, bullshit, I acted exactly like you did, well I didn’t throw up. The radiator and the fire proof filing cabinet happened when I was about twenty and thirty respectively and I guarantee I teared up and whined a lot.
Oh and another time when I was about twenty two, while horse back riding, a bull charged the horse I was on and the horse fell over and fell on me . That hurt pretty bad too.
August 14th, 2008 at 4:57 pm
@glendoor42, it would have been hardcore, but I took it like a small schoolgirl. I shrieked, atempted washing, cried, threw up, cried some more, thew up agian and then check out of school to go home and cry there.
I had one hell of a red eye after that.
on a plus side nothing tastes overly spicy to me anymore.
August 14th, 2008 at 4:55 pm
I never realised how expensive Choloroform was! I guess at least you’re making your money back on the duct tape.
If I wasn’t in a zombie like state of tiredness I promise I would have laughed but my eyes are burning too much to allow that right now. I was hysterical on the inside
Kingmonkey: This new “Kingmonkey loves you” business is very creepy. Not entirely sure why, but it is damnit!
August 14th, 2008 at 4:51 pm
Habanero sauce in the eye is about as hard core as it gets.
@R_I I don’t know if I pissed off God or what, but if I ever meet, him he and I are going to have a serious talk.
August 14th, 2008 at 3:38 pm
finally. now i can purchase my all my questionable items with ease.
August 14th, 2008 at 2:50 pm
oh and as for the axe? just for the hell of it.
August 14th, 2008 at 2:47 pm
white fuzzy scrotums? I actually laughed out loud.
August 14th, 2008 at 2:13 pm
Kingmonkey, I wash the Australian Boys every morning without fail. The weather here wreaks havoc on a fellow’s coin purse.
August 14th, 2008 at 2:00 pm
Swamp balls… alternatively you could wash occasionally.
My friend is a nurse, and he told us a story of a black guy who came in with white balls. Due to poor hygiene, he actually had white fuzzy mold growing on his scrotum.
August 14th, 2008 at 1:57 pm
That’s why Gold Bond is awesome.
August 14th, 2008 at 1:41 pm
Actually, R_I, it was an incidental slashing issue when I was putting on aftershave after… well, shaving. But, I’d rather my ball bag smell nice that have my nads fermenting.
I live in Arizona, which is often as hot as Satan’s Thorny Cock Issue. Swamp Ass, and as a result Swamp Balls, are as common as a thick haze of smog, snowbirds, and illegal immigrant labor hanging out at the Home Depot.
August 14th, 2008 at 12:49 pm
Why would you want your balls to smell like Axe Spray? Just curious.
August 14th, 2008 at 12:46 pm
I’ve been nutsack defiled by hot sauce, aftershave and Bleach. They were all accidental and hurt like a bastard motherfucking vagina denta whore. It has taught me 3 things:
-Wash your hands BEFORE taking a piss when eating hot sauce
-When applying aftershave, always squat a tad to protect your nuts with the sink
-Rinse the toilet seat and bowl EXTRA OCD Dilligently after cleaning the fucking bathroom.
Can’t say as I’ve ever pissed on an electric fence though. The worst penis pain I’ve ever had was my first piss after having had a foley catheter removed after 2 weeks. Never Again.
August 14th, 2008 at 11:48 am
Good lord.
The blog was amazing, the comments are amazing, I’m amazing. Five out of five stars all around!
Also, I’m pretty sure that no one uses formaldehyde anymore because it’s carcinogenic, everybody uses formulin these days. It still smells just as boner-poppingly terrific though.
August 14th, 2008 at 11:39 am
I got habañero sauce in my eye. I thoght my eyeball was going to melt.
And yeah axe spray and balls dont go together well.
August 14th, 2008 at 10:20 am
Glendoor . . . did you piss off God or something?!?! (That one deserved multiple punctuation marks!) Of course, now you can pretty much top anyone’s stories, which must be nice. Someone’s bragging about how they almost sliced their thumb off with a knife while trying to open a watercooler full of change to give to charity whilst working at a bank (that would be me), and you can stare ‘em straight in the eye and say: “I’ve had gasoline on my nutsack. And pissed on an electric fence. When I was a kid.” Dead silence.
August 14th, 2008 at 10:10 am
You know what else is really painful? I knew a guy named Claude who was taste testing habañero sauce with us one night. He had plenty of it– iron stomach. He did, however, forget to wash his taste test hand (he had been dipping his fingers into the sauce to taste it). So, when he left the room to go for a pee, we were only a bit surprised when we heard his anguished screams pierce the night.
(Short version: he got some habañero sauce on his dick.)
I’ve had habañero juice in my eye once. I washed and washed my hands, but apparently it wasn’t enough. When I rubbed my eyes, I got some of the diluted pepper juice in my eyes.
I didn’t cry, though. Real men don’t cry. We bottle up our feelings– weaponize them.
August 14th, 2008 at 9:40 am
Glendoor42,
You know what else is really painful? Did you see that weight lifter who dislocated his elbow to the point where it was facing the wrong way? In the words of the Allison, the computer duster inhaler from Intervention, “This is really painful.”
Definitely NOT like walking on sunshine.
August 14th, 2008 at 7:08 am
The funniest thing I’ve read on this site, ever. I’m still laughing.
August 14th, 2008 at 1:33 am
[...] In case you are unaware that Cracked has gone from being a weird low-rent imitator of Mad Magazine to being a seriously fucked-up humor blog, you can get the news flash in no better manner than reading their Foaming Raving Lunatic’s Guide to Amazon.com. [...]
August 14th, 2008 at 1:28 am
[...] In case you are unaware that Cracked has gone from being a weird low-rent imitator of Mad Magazine to being a seriously fucked-up humor blog, you can get the news flash in no better manner than reading their Foaming Raving Lunatic’s Guide to Amazon.com. [...]
August 14th, 2008 at 1:21 am
Does the picture of the fake rear in the box look strangely phallic to anyone else?
August 14th, 2008 at 1:17 am
I was 10 years old and didn’t realize it would hurt like hell. It didn’t take but one time learned that it does.
August 14th, 2008 at 1:08 am
How the fuck do you “accidentally” piss on an electric fence? The wires aren’t that big or close together. The last paragraph can all be attributed to living in Alabama, I assume? “Hey, Y’all; watch this!” I should shut up; Georgia’s not much better (if any).
I can attest to the after shave; I splashed some Brut on my nutsack when I was a kid and as I recall it was remarkably unpleasant.
August 14th, 2008 at 12:55 am
I was about 8 years old and my Dad had a broken gas pump handle in the back seat of his car( my Grandaddy owned a gas station) I picked it up to play with it and about a quarter
of a cup of gas poured on to my little eight year old groin.
Imagine getting soap on your dick, icyhot and aqua velva all at once. The only way that could have been more painful if it had actually caught on fire.
That is one of the three most painful things that have ever happened to me. The other two are, in no particular order and these were all ACCIDENTS btw, were ,I pissed on an electric fence(The Mythbuster episode about this was full of shit, I’ve done it and it hurts) and I opened a radiator hot. If I have to say that hurt the worse, if only because that was the most recent in my memory.
These are, however , three things, make that four, I slammed my hand( BY ACCIDENT) in a fire proof filing cabinet drawer, that I will never do again.
I have been in multiple car wrecks and the last one of which my left arm was broken in several places, I have been blown up ass over end flying through the air kind of blown up,
had both of my earsdrums blown out and hit in the left foot with what was pretty much a spent bullet. None of these things hurt as bad as the above four accident.
August 14th, 2008 at 12:35 am
Great. Knowing Amazon the “treat yourself to something nice” link that I just clicked on will now be used to suggest new and exciting somewhat related products to me for as long as I live. Awesomeness!
August 13th, 2008 at 11:55 pm
Sammy, I’ve been wondering for years if it was her or not. I’m pretty sure it was either her or a hooker I busted a condom with. Bitches. And no, R_I; this one was alive.
Yeah, you get the icy hot thing if you play football; it’s inevitable (though worse if applied directly I understand)…but gasoline? Goddamn, dude. That shit’s expensive.
August 13th, 2008 at 11:41 pm
Okay, just checking. I mean, people do weird stuff all around the world to prove . . . stuff. I guess.
August 13th, 2008 at 10:43 pm
FUCK YEAH IT WAS AN ACCIDENT!!!!!!!!!!!!
August 13th, 2008 at 10:26 pm
I’ve done the Icy Hot . . . gasoline sounds just sadistic/masochistic. Glendoor was this on accident or what?!
August 13th, 2008 at 9:55 pm
Icyhot is kiddie shit son, try spilling gasoline down there. I did that once, ONCE.
August 13th, 2008 at 9:49 pm
I’m all for people trying to write funny stuff but padding is padding. I mean how many times do you want to use the lines “bendy straws and fake asses” and “Let’s pretend you’re me for a second. Take a moment to get into character. Got it? Okay.” It was mildly funny the first time but afterward…meh…
I’m all for people trying to write funny stuff but padding is padding. I mean how many times do you want to use the lines “bendy straws and fake asses” and “Let’s pretend you’re me for a second. Take a moment to get into character. Got it? Okay.” It was mildly funny the first time but afterward…meh…
I’m all for people trying to write funny stuff but padding is padding. I mean how many times do you want to use the lines “bendy straws and fake asses” and “Let’s pretend you’re me for a second. Take a moment to get into character. Got it? Okay.” It was mildly funny the first time but afterward…meh…
Annoying isn’t it?
I’m all for people trying to write funny stuff but padding is padding. I mean how many times do you want to use the lines “bendy straws and fake asses” and “Let’s pretend you’re me for a second. Take a moment to get into character. Got it? Okay.” It was mildly funny the first time but afterward…meh…
Amazon was funny for the reviews of the “oozinator”, then they got wise and took them down and now I have no reason to visit.
August 13th, 2008 at 8:54 pm
@J-pappi: I made the mistake of putting icy hot on my balls once on a dare. Holy shit that was the worst thing ever.
August 13th, 2008 at 7:21 pm
Dude I bought like 9 bottles of that chloroform shit and an ED hardy hat, and lemme tell ya IM READY TO HARDY SOME BITCHES UP B!
dip yo’ balls in some of that fighters formula i bet it’ll turn them into titanium spheres of death
August 13th, 2008 at 6:50 pm
R_I, do you mean Formaldehyde? I mean, not that I knew that off the top of my head of any reason. I just kinda… um… you know what? I forget the preservative’s name as well.
And I always carry vapo-rub. Them sheep can get mighty whiffy.
August 13th, 2008 at 5:31 pm
Cracked better watch out for/hire John Q Public.
August 13th, 2008 at 5:05 pm
j-pappi- I guess that shower couldn’t wash away the introduction of herpes?
August 13th, 2008 at 5:00 pm
best part is John Q. Public typing out “bleep boop”.
On a different note, duct tape for $2.99!!! What a deal!!!
August 13th, 2008 at 4:41 pm
Mr. Montage, whilst your childlike enthusiasm for promoting your blog and pandering to the typical Cracked.com reader’s fondness for breasts is amusing, I suggest that if you wish to have Cracked.com readers truly visit your site, then write a truly funny article and send it in. Then you’ll have that nice byline stating who you are and giving your website. Also, please listen to others when they say lay off the Caps Lock. And looking at your most recent contest, I gotta say real must win over fake.
Also, I hear kidnapping J.O’B. works wonders for having a career here.
August 13th, 2008 at 4:37 pm
And the preservative fluid (the name completely escapes me at the moment) just smells awful . . . awfully arousing!
August 13th, 2008 at 4:26 pm
you forgot the raincoat, bateman:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=29I_-NIXObw
August 13th, 2008 at 4:03 pm
That’s when a little VapoRub under the nose works wonders, if they’ve been around a few days.
August 13th, 2008 at 3:52 pm
Which is why it’s easier to stick with dead hookers. Anything is classy for them!
August 13th, 2008 at 3:50 pm
The tux works better; a clown suit AND Barbara Streisand would just be too creepy for any potential victim to deal with.
August 13th, 2008 at 3:08 pm
I should also add that in the original version of the Wish List, the tuxedo was a clown suit.
August 13th, 2008 at 2:12 pm
the so-called “romantic evening” is missing the all-important economy size tub of Elbow Grease and/or Slam Dunk
google them if you don’t know what they are
August 13th, 2008 at 2:01 pm
In the process of writing this guide, some jokes got changed around and I ended up not using a few Amazon reviews I’d written. I will now post them here to give you all a rare glimpse of just how much blood, sweat and tears go into the seemingly-simple process of writing a joke about chloroform.
The reviews are written from the point of view of a dapper young gentleman named “Big Tony” from New Jersey.
In the end these were dropped because, while you could probably make an argument Jersey guidos are kind of crazy, I think we can all agree it’s a different kind of crazy than this article was shooting for. Plus date rape jokes are just kind of yicky.
As opposed to serial murderer jokes (which are hilarious).
August 13th, 2008 at 1:18 pm
I tried to order Fake Lesbians from Amazon and all I ended up with was Anne Heche DVD’s, what a rip off! On a postive note I’ve also found Amazon to be very intoxicating, I’ve been online for several hours purchasing out of this world products like, pin-hole condoms, 5 gallon servings of MSG, penis pumps, Michael Phelps isn’t an asshole bumper stickers, toy clowns for my little nephew (so scary), slap bracelets and hyper color shirts (come on how awesome where those). All this in one place, wow! I don’t think I’ll be this happy until the dollar store starts selling blow jobs. I do however write a rather stupid blog called http://www.onblastatlast.com, it’s very low brow humor if you like that kind of thing. FART, POOP, SHIT, BOOBS!!!
Go read it http://www.onblastatlast.com
Hyde D Montage
August 13th, 2008 at 12:42 pm
I really like Ross’s writing.
August 13th, 2008 at 12:31 pm
Ross you forgot some thing very important….
V@iagra.
August 13th, 2008 at 12:30 pm
I know this is completely off topic and should be under Bucholtz blog but I just saw this, you guys should really check this out. http://www.breitbart.tv/?p=151313 . It is just brutal.
August 13th, 2008 at 12:22 pm
Ross, I see a snafu in your plan. 3 to 6 weeks shipping for the chloroform. You should probably just keep that stocked up so there is no wait time.
August 13th, 2008 at 12:18 pm
And Glendoor would have a “leg up” on the rest of us with them…maybe we should start being nice to him. Can anyone hack into his Amazon account and find out if he’s been ordering a shitload of tinfoil lately?
R_I, it was every bit as bad as you imagine, and didn’t quit for about half an hour.
August 13th, 2008 at 12:13 pm
That was definitely one of the funniest things I’ve ever read on this site.
August 13th, 2008 at 12:05 pm
lol
August 13th, 2008 at 12:02 pm
J-Pappi . . . ouch. Just . . . ouch. I think I just became a eunuch there.
Sheep with metallic hats would be unstoppable.
August 13th, 2008 at 11:53 am
I think he wants the hat for the sheep, R_I.
August 13th, 2008 at 11:52 am
Now I keep a steady supply of KY handy and can’t find a girl that’ll take it in the pooper anymore. Life’s a bitch.
August 13th, 2008 at 11:51 am
Now THAT’s comedy. Fucking a, I thought I was gonna piss myself with that wish list.
PK, I fucked up and tried Vapo-rub as a lube one time when I was about 15 and didn’t know any better. Let’s just say she and I wound up in the shower a lot quicker than we thought we would and the moment was somewhat ruined. Fuck, I still shudder when I think about that.
August 13th, 2008 at 11:47 am
Everyone wants to sleep with Kingmonkey precisely because he’s a reptoid. Right? Right? I don’t think tinfoil will protect you from that, Glendoor. Only sheep will.
August 13th, 2008 at 11:39 am
I wish you could buy the full collection of Risque Agency on Amazon.com. That show is amazing. Sexy and hilarious . . . For now I guess the only place I can find it though is Digitalfuntown.com
http://www.digitalfuntown.com/showpage.php?showid=5
August 13th, 2008 at 11:01 am
I wanted the tinfoil hat to protect me from all the emails I get about the reptiod threat I get from kingmonkey+1, who is really David Icke, by the way.
August 13th, 2008 at 9:48 am
In Amazon-related romanticism, my 2 best friends bought each other’s engagement rings there.
Screw you convention, we have the internet now.
August 13th, 2008 at 9:46 am
Dammit Kingmonkey. We wanted to sleep with you. Sexually. And by “we” I mean “everyone here but I.”
August 13th, 2008 at 9:45 am
David Icke being serious is actually more humorous than this blog post. (And I’m not trying to say that this blog post isn’t funny, either! YouTube the subject, good for hours of “WTF”-tainment.)
The creepiest thing about Ross’s (”Ross’? I could never figure that one out) wish list is the Streisand CD . . . *shudder*
August 13th, 2008 at 9:37 am
I was about to add bleach, but I see you’ve already got that covered with the sodium hydroxide, there– good man.
August 13th, 2008 at 9:30 am
Reptoids, huh? I seem to recall glendoor42 ranting about them once to me. Let me assure all of you, we of the Monkey Underground Army (MUA) are fighting the Reptoids at every turn. You can sleep with us.
I mean, you can sleep safely, with us around.
August 13th, 2008 at 9:23 am
Can Amazon help me get the shit stains out of my underpants?
August 13th, 2008 at 9:12 am
I typed Chloroform into Amazon and the book Chloroform: The Quest for Oblivion came up. What was intriguing was Amazons recommendation of the; Customers who searched for “chloroform” also expressed interest in: Bizarre Lust of a Sexual Deviant DVD as well as the above mentioned 8oz bottle.
August 13th, 2008 at 9:11 am
I want me one of those hats.
Ross, to your credit, your have put more stuff on my Christmas list than any other Cracked.
Com blogger. Thanks.
August 13th, 2008 at 9:08 am
seriously romantic. i was cracking up when i saw the chloroform. you know i found some at this frat party once, so you know, i stole that shit. then i gave it to all my friends, because well, i thought that’s what any good friend would do. drugs are drugs… right?
August 13th, 2008 at 9:03 am
Your wishlist also works to fight the reptilian humanoids, so if the girl escapes, hum, i mean, if she wants to go home early, you won’t lose the money at all.
August 13th, 2008 at 8:57 am
don’t forget the vick’s vap-o-rub. come on, be a gentleman
August 13th, 2008 at 8:56 am
Most excellent. I agree Heinrich, I need to write that list down.
August 13th, 2008 at 8:53 am
second….. damn
August 13th, 2008 at 8:15 am
I must say, Ross knows how to plan a romantic evening alright.