In all of our lives, there are some inevitable looming tragedies that must be faced: the death of a parent, the end of childhood, and, of course, the end of our Presidential terms. Well, Mr. George W. Bush is facing such a trauma, and there’s no question it’s going to be rough.
After all, of the 42 ex-Presidents of the United States, only four are still alive. That’s over a ninety percent mortality rate. That’s worse than ‘Nam.
And without a doubt, the hardest part of an ex-Presidency is the first hundred days. That period when the country is abuzz over your replacement, yet the office is still so fresh in your mind that you sometimes awake in the middle of the night demanding to speak to the Russian Premiere, or absent-mindedly threaten to have the CIA kill an annoying neighbor before realizing your error and breaking down in a crying jag right there in the jam aisle.
But Mr. Carter’s laughable shortcomings aside, Bush’s recent purchase of a new home in Preston Hollow, Texas, signals the beginning of his grappling with the demon Obscurity.
And because I hate to see a man kicked while he’s down, I’ve decided to put together this little primer to help him through the transition. Will this save us all the heartache of waking one morning to find a senile G.W. running naked through the streets of Dallas? We can only pray.
Fish vs. Pond: People are judged on a relative scale. When you were the President, the citizenry of the United States (or at least 29% of them) granted you the use of all of their collective balls (and, for the sake of sexual equality, let’s say ovaries). This left you with huge, swinging ovary testicles that you could fluff and sit on and show off basically anywhere you went. Your balls were so stuffed with ovaries that you had to have guys in black suits and plastic wires in their ears with you at all times.
Well, like the aged tend to do, your balls have shrunk. The important thing is to display them in their best light, like how holding a ping-pong ball next to a Monopoly house makes the ping-pong ball look huge by comparison. 
So let’s look at which neighbors your importance is likely to be measured against.
Notable Preston Hollow residents include:
Ross Perot—You’ve already accomplished something he failed to. Make sure to remind him and others of this by holding regular “ex-President” barbecues and “accidentally” sending him an invite. If he gives you any guff, just tell people you think he might be going insane. It worked on Kucinich, and they’re almost twins.
Tom Hicks—He bought the Texas Rangers from you, which gave you the capitol you needed to launch your political career. In some ways, he could claim to have “made you what you are.”
Use this to your advantage, by reminding him of what a crappy President you turned out to be. Try loudly thanking him for the job when you run into him at the corner market. Soon enough, you’ll be chairing the HOA committee on pool maintenance.
Mark Cuban—He’s richer than you, owns several sports teams and an HDTV network, and appeared on Dancing With The Stars. Okay, this one might be tough. You could learn to dance, but that’s just asking for a debilitating injury. Your best bet is to have one of your SS guys run him down in a black sedan.
I’m not saying you should do that, I’m just saying it’s your best bet.
Retaining Your Celebrity: Try and keep some of that White House heat going if you can. There’s a long, cold Winter ahead, and nabbing a few headlines in regional papers can go a long way towards keeping you from chowing down on two barrels of sweet, sweet release.
Clinton’s got his wife to lean on, and Carter’s got the whole Habitat for Humanity thing. Even your Dad gets called in to give political advice now and then. Of course, Laura Bush’s political career has about the same outlook as Fergie’s, so no help there. And if someone calls you asking for political advice, just hang up; it’s a prank. I know what you’re thinking, but don’t fret—there’s no need to resort to philanthropy just yet.
Instead, stick to what made you our beloved leader in the first place. Buy a company, run it into the ground. Invite Rove and Cheney over for secret “planning sessions,” even if you just end up watching old tapes of Felicity and talking about boys all night. Maybe even pick up your cocaine habit again (there’s a friend that’ll never abandon you).
In short, just get back to your roots. You’re out of D.C. now, it’s time to let your hair down and party like a largely forgotten rock star. Like, say, a Nugent. That’s you. You’re President Nugent. In fact, asking people to call you that might generate some press of its own.
As Powers Fade: A lot of the perks you’ve grown accustomed to over the last eight years are going to change, and quickly. No longer will it be within your power to call in air strikes, know what the deal is with aliens, or force Emeril to give you his secret gumbo recipe on pain of waterboarding.
The key to coping with this immense and crippling loss of power is to exercise what powers you still retain, and realize that, though in some sense crippled, you remain a self-actualized individual with the ability to affect the world around you. If you’re feeling a little powerless, why not:
Not Being Racist: When trying to maintain the image of dignity and grace, it’s vitally important that you not come off as a racist old coot. 
The fact that your community’s housing covenant banned black residents “except as servants” until the year 2000 may be a bit of a concern. In fact, now that I think about it, that’s actually a huge problem. Like, super fucked up. Really? 2000? Jesus. Kanye may have something to say about that.
But most importantly of all, welcome your successor with grace and aplomb. Not that he’ll care, but you might guilt him into inviting you to a dinner at the White House, and you can hide in the Lincoln bedroom for a few precious hours.
This entry was posted on Thursday, December 11th, 2008 at 12:26 pm and is filed under Barack Obama, George Bush, Guides, The 2008 Election, The President, The White House. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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August 16th, 2009 at 11:22 am
oneuniverse said:
“The majority of Iraqi people… wanted the Americans to come”
The RNC isn’t even trying to push that talking point anymore. You know why? Because it’s bullshit. The Iraqi people didn’t want us there then and they don’t want us there now.
“durinng almost all of Saddam’s long reign, he was supported by Russia and China”
And your point is? By 1987 we (America) were supplying 65,000 tons of weapons and ammo and untold funds TO THE TALIBAN! WHO WERE BASED IN AFGHANISTAN! NOT IRAQ! Saddam Hussein never flew a plane into one of our buildings with the sole intention of killing Americans. He had no WMD. He had no links to the Taliban or Al-Quaida. It was all a personal vendetta for dubya. He couldn’t stand the fact that some guy with brown skin had dared to threaten his daddy so he used the highest office in this country to wage a personal war. And people like you voted for him twice.
Fuck You.
btw, Swaim. Funny stuff! Keep up the good work!
June 29th, 2009 at 2:34 pm
PS. Cracked writers, you guys are geniuses. That last comment doesn’t apply to you, and I congratulate you for your work. I just get so frustrated sometimes with your ignorant and retarded American brethren.
June 29th, 2009 at 2:31 pm
I’ve posted this comment before and I’ll post it again, especially for the benefit of people like you, oneuniverse. I can’t believe you people actually swallow that bullshit about the evil tyrant and how he had armament that threatened the US. The terrorists weren’t even Iraqi. You had no business going down there, but you went anyway, proudly bearing the flag. Even already knowing how uninformed, uneducated, and just so generally ignorant and clueless you American people are, I am still surprised by your propensity to do shit like this. And some people still support the war! YOU FUCKING REELECTED BUSH FOR CHRIST’S SAKE! I truly would wish that your government collapsed, if it wasn’t for the fact that the rest of the world depends on your economy. I can’t believe we still economically depend on a country filled with you people. God help us all.
May 7th, 2009 at 10:19 am
Bush will remind every American why each and every vote counts. We’ll never vote the same way again! - RBP
March 31st, 2009 at 5:18 pm
George Bush sent the men and women of the U.S. military to defeat a tyrant, the evil Saddam Hussein.
The majority of Iraqi people, who were living under a regime of secret police and informants, jailings, beatings and torture wanted the Americans to come, and to stay long enough to stablilse the country, at the least. They escaped a hellish regime, one which had led to hihg rates of mental illness and insanity during the period of the regime. Even during the darkest days of extreme violence and no progress during 2006, when support for the US presence dropped momentarily, no-one ever wanted Saddam Hussein back.
So well done Bush?
ps. durinng almost all of Saddam’s long reign, he was supported by Russia and China, who provided him with over 95% of his military equipment. The U.S. helped him for a couple of years during the Iran - Iraq war.
January 21st, 2009 at 4:24 pm
hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
December 23rd, 2008 at 6:30 pm
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December 14th, 2008 at 10:20 pm
btw,
K-Billy, Hear, hear!! Pass the popcorn!
December 14th, 2008 at 10:19 pm
An appropriate ending would be if Bush threw two shoes, size 10, at incoming Prez. Obama while yelling, “how do ya’ like them apples??” Obama could then demonstrate his dodging skills, thus proving his worth as the next president of the United States of America!!!
December 14th, 2008 at 7:25 am
I have always been trying to ask everthing about him as I could.eople say he is a member of a celeb club ——-R i c h R o m a n c e s .c o m—- -I once was there and met my rich boyfriend.It’s a place to meet the rich and celebrities.
December 13th, 2008 at 11:29 pm
Tits the Nun, meet Taints your Messiah
December 13th, 2008 at 9:06 pm
@Shii,
There are two ways to make a joke: either grossly exaggerated a small, relatively ineffective part of an article for comedic effect or shut-the-hell-up.
December 13th, 2008 at 6:32 am
Did you ever posted your profile on a celebrity and millionaire dating site called—- http:U k w e a l t h y m e n.c o m —-I saw your profile there few weeks
ago. &&&&
December 12th, 2008 at 4:57 pm
I think the bitter, petty, vengeful anger towards Obama from the right is hilarious. I haven’t seen this much anger misdirected to the wrong people since… well… since we invaded Iraq.
December 12th, 2008 at 3:08 pm
The fact that your community’s housing covenant banned black residents “except as servants” until the year 2000 may be a bit of a concern. In fact, now that I think about it, that’s actually a huge problem. Like, super fucked up. Really? 2000? Jesus.
***
Do you even read the articles you cite? If you did, you’d know that those racial exclusionary rules haven’t been legally enforceable since 1948 and the only reason they still exist is because it’s expensive, cumbersome, and difficult to get them removed.
Millions of homeowners have those on the properties, but they mean nothing. Try actually reading an article instead of slandering based on a headline.
December 12th, 2008 at 2:43 pm
Greengoddess. I am well aware this is a “internet comedy site.” Honestly the only anger I have is directed at those who dont know what kbi-lly stands for. It’s from a cool movie, but since I do live in Austin, I guess bigots can call it red neck as well.
I didnt vote in this election because to hell with both cadidates.
The sarcastic anger you are getting from me is actually very healthy because the democrats are very much fucking things up already and this is pure comedy gold.
That being said its slightly frustraiting when authors like this one still think the bush bashing is funny when all these democrat shenanagins are happening right in his face.
But I’m not really overly worried about it green, the next four years are going to be a jewl because I get to watch other people pick on the dems while they do indeed fuck our country in new and inspiring ways.
LOL, Taints
You know i will now use that in my greeting for my avatar.
Cheers,
kbilly
December 12th, 2008 at 1:17 pm
That was Swaim behind the Tim Hortons? Wow… I got genital warts from a certified celebrity!
Thanks Swaim!
December 12th, 2008 at 1:05 pm
K-Billy, you seem to be harboring some sarcastic anger towards strangers on an internet comedy site. This attitude hardly seems healthy. I hope you have a support system in your real life so that you are able to handle the emotional challenges that are going to come your way during the next 4 years of the Democrats fucking our country up.
Also, I think you meant compliment (with an “i”). And you’re welcome.
Taints,
Your Messiah
December 12th, 2008 at 12:46 pm
Wow, thanks for all the “taint” complements. For those of you like ‘bpbpbpbpblah’ who dont seem to know what it means, then I suggest you look it up in the dictionary.
Also.
Harriett? JJFS ? Natnie?
It’s K-Billy. You fucktards obviously didnt watch Resovior Dogs. Which is a shame.
December 12th, 2008 at 12:40 pm
Come on, glendoor, there are a whole lot of Tim Hortonses in Ontario. I need to know which one. I do a lot of “business” behind a Timmie’s and I need to be sure it won’t end up the topic of Swaim’s next hilarious article.
*Please note that “business” may or may not refer to public masturbation.
December 12th, 2008 at 11:38 am
Yes , Swaim is Casnadian now. He has moved his base of operation from SoCal to Ontario, behind a Tim Horton’s I understand.
December 12th, 2008 at 9:24 am
considering the ted haggerd scandal and that republican senator who got caught soliciting from a male hooker, not to mention the fact halliburton overcharging the us when there is a huge debt crisis, also the fact that pat robertson said 9/11 is gift which keeps on giving,
as for ayers, he was a leftist version of the wacko’s down south who burned black churches and lynched people, the same people republicans call their base.
also barak obama never visited a mosque during his campaign(neither did mcain) but you guys call him a muslim(not that there is anything wrong with being a muslim)
and why should obama get blamed for blagojerk??? unless you are telling me obama has mind control powers(which would be awesome)
face the facts, bush is a retard, everyone, and i mean everyone knows, why do you think the president of russia is so aggressive towards the US even when the US is so much more powerful????
the answer is …… because bush is incompetent, look at the georgian war, did bush do anything?
back when russia was actually a match for the US, president kennedy almost went to war because russia placed missiles in cuba, now the scary fact is a weaker russia can actually do more even though we are stronger
and fargin basterd, please explain how bush speaks to god, remember bush said on tv that god told him to invade iraq.
I dont know which god you worship but i am pretty sure bush was talking to someone other than god, probably satan.
read all the holy books in all religions, it says god is on the side of the weak and poor, and if you look at the republicans and democrats(yes democrats) they aint the weak and poor.
only an idiot will believe that the worlds most powerful people are chosen to be saved.The countries in the world with the worlds highest living standards and highest life expectancy are those countries which promote equality between its people(like the scandanavian countries, hell even canada)
borrowing money from the worlds biggest authoritarian state
and america’s nearest competitor(china) to protect america’s middle east interest is like taking money from a loan shark to bet on a race track, its a horrible gamble.
the tragic fact is future history books might actually be changed to cast obama as the guy who ruined the US economy, calling him the black muslim who destroyed western civilization
your own bible says the anti christ will rise from your own people, guess what “your people means”
(for those of you not familiar with the bible, it says that a person opposing the christ will emerge from the religious people, meaning the jewish christian population, people who follow the bible)
December 12th, 2008 at 8:27 am
Swaim is a Canadian now?
December 12th, 2008 at 8:00 am
All you idiots who keep saying that Obama and Blagojevich are best of buds don’t know anything about Illinoi/Chicago politics. Obama was never in Blagojevich’s camp, they have different circles of influence. My messiah has been tainted.
December 12th, 2008 at 7:54 am
average genius: “…and [Obama] wasn’t born a rich asshole.”
Agreed: Obama is a self made asshole.
Bush is not a military genius, nor an economist, obviously. That doesn’t bode well for Obama, who is less experienced about everything, except dodging responsibility (Wright, Ayers, Blagojevich, Rezko….)
December 12th, 2008 at 5:46 am
Hill-Billy is entertainment+. Who does he belong to? Do I need permission to feed him a treat?
December 12th, 2008 at 5:07 am
swaim is canadian, so what?
was bush a military genius who had experience in handling complex conflicts?
was bush an economist who had extensive training and education to understand the banking system?
obama isnt experienced either, but at least he knows how to speak properly, also he doesnt “hear voices from god”, and he wasnt born a rich asshole.
December 12th, 2008 at 3:17 am
Yes, Mr. Swaim…I’m sure you, as a Canadian, know exactly what a former U.S. President goes through. But it’s ok, though. It’s all just humor. Problem with that is…it’s unfunny humor. Something only Canadians would get a laugh at.
December 12th, 2008 at 2:50 am
the “K” stands for “Hill”
December 12th, 2008 at 1:30 am
weird, I seem to recall that it was GORE not BUSH who kept demanding recounts. But Hitler and Liberals botoh know what happens when you repeat a lie enough times.
December 11th, 2008 at 11:51 pm
Haha so good.
I especially loved “Finally get back at that kid who keeps egging your car by violently invading the house of someone who has nothing to do with him, but looks kind of similar.”
December 11th, 2008 at 10:12 pm
If you actually read the article about that neighborhood covenant banning blacks, it says that MILLIONS of homes still have those clauses written into the property deed. It’s old text, and it cannot be and is not enforced. Every homeowner would have to file a lawsuit (according to the article, not sure against who, perhaps the prior owner) to have the text of the deed changed, which no one wants to spend the money on.
December 11th, 2008 at 9:44 pm
Dust bunnies season is year round, unfortunately my two daughters have declared their rooms free range dust bunny sanctuaries. My sons on the other hand do not have such a choice. They are to hunt down and kill dust bunnies on site.
December 11th, 2008 at 8:53 pm
So when you say “taints your messiah,” K-Billy, do you mean that in the traditional context (to corrupt something) or did you mean it in your colloquial context (a night out with the boys)? I mean, I know you country boys probably sniff a lot of bag and all, but this isn’t really the place to bring that kind of lingo.
December 11th, 2008 at 8:38 pm
My leg needs vagisil more than Laura.
December 11th, 2008 at 8:22 pm
glendoor: “No, that is the real Ted Nugent, he’s hunting for dust bunnies.”
…No doubt, with an impressive looking compound bow. When is dust bunny season anyway?
Lizard: When I uploaded my previous comment, the page refreshed and I saw what you wrote before me. Great minds etc..ha ha
December 11th, 2008 at 8:07 pm
Swaim: I thought this was really rather brilliant. So is this now…
a. A contest among the Cracked bloggers to see who can beat the new guy’s comment record with a political piece?
b. A united effort from the Cracked bloggers to write articles that tend to piss off the rightwing trolls until they become too exhausted to type anymore?
c. Both a. and b. ?
Also, greengoddess: Thanks alot! Now I can’t stop giggling over that.
Gonna go taint me some Messiah now.
December 11th, 2008 at 7:47 pm
No, that is the real Ted Nugent, he’s hunting for dust bunnies.
December 11th, 2008 at 7:39 pm
I, for one, will miss Bush dearly. Not for his policies or anything, but for the things he says. For example:
“My trip to Asia begins here in Japan for an important reason. It begins here because for a century and a half now, America and Japan have formed one of the great and enduring alliances of modern times. From that alliance has come an era of peace in the Pacific.”
December 11th, 2008 at 7:37 pm
Love your work Swaim, especially your suggestion to “buy a company, run it into the ground”. Imagine the sense of unease if you showed up for work one day to find GWB was the new owner.
When are all these wankers who think they are commenting in the Fox News Forum gonna fuck off and die? Please keep the political articles coming until every one of them has an embolism over the volume of satirical political articles.
December 11th, 2008 at 7:34 pm
Does he also make decoys of Ted Nugent? ‘Cause that guy has been in my closet since I was 3.
December 11th, 2008 at 7:25 pm
@katkcheshire,
Those are just several of the decoys implanted across the world to throw people off the real truth of the matter.kingmonkey makes them in a lab in casnadia.
December 11th, 2008 at 7:16 pm
K-Billy is a moron.
That being said, this article still wasn’t particularly funny.
December 11th, 2008 at 7:08 pm
Well, Buchanan and Pierce are definitely alive. But they aren’t running the country. They’ve been sitting on my fucking couch, getting high, and eating all my food. Bastards.
December 11th, 2008 at 7:00 pm
Man, K-billz, you’re not bitter at all, are you? My favorite part of the rant was the “Making fun of Bush FOR NO REASON” [capitals added for emphasis]. Yeah, the media has no reason whatsoever to make fun of any elected official, let alone a president with approval ratings approaching absolute zero. That’s sedition, dammit!
On the other hand, “Taints: The Messiah” should be a made for TV movie, or maybe an EA video game. You should copyright that before someone else cashes in.
December 11th, 2008 at 6:45 pm
Oh, K-Billy, it’s all in good fun. If you’ll notice, I posted that comment at exactly 4:20. Boo-ya! And I’ve been laughing at “Taints: Your Messiah” since then.
Also, my tits didn’t actually fall off. I’m just not wearing a bra so it kinda feels like that when I slouch a little.
December 11th, 2008 at 5:59 pm
I know your x’s weren’t that sloppy. I know that James Buchanan and Frankiln Pierce aren’t dead and have been secretly running this country since 1860.
We will have a talk about your half ass attempt to tell the world this at the next meeting. Your in trouble Swaim, big trouble.
December 11th, 2008 at 5:35 pm
thanks greengoddess, i’m happy to make you laugh so hard your fucking tits of all things fall off.
December 11th, 2008 at 5:22 pm
I can seriously picture Bush holding a press conference in the backyard with the dog. Seriously.
December 11th, 2008 at 4:37 pm
I loved this article, but I was wondering and maybe this is a weird thought: whatif people who get offended by political satire just don’t read political satire.
In name dropping news, Bush Sr. moved into the house behind one of my mom’s close co-workers in Houston when he left the White House. Remember Milly? She was a yippie little bitch.
December 11th, 2008 at 4:34 pm
You laughed your tits off? Holy shit, I didn’t know that was possible.
December 11th, 2008 at 4:20 pm
K-Billy said “taints your Messiah”
I laughed my tits off.
December 11th, 2008 at 4:14 pm
K-Billy is a bag of shit wrapped in some other, more foul, kind of shit.
My favorite line is easily the one about beating your kids–because it applies to everyone, not just ex-presidents. Thanks for looking out for everybody Swaim.
December 11th, 2008 at 3:55 pm
You know, you should probably come up with an article like this for Obama since it seems he wont last the first 100 days. He’s neck deep in shit these days, and he hasnt even been sworn in yet.
Oh wait, that’s right he’s had “no contact” and “doesnt know” anything about this guy who was the Governor of his home fucking state. RIIIIIGGGHHHTT. It was the same for Rezko, Jeremiah Wright, that terrorist dude William Ayers. How long can Obama keep this up?
Ah, dont worry about writing about Obama. At least half of us know a pinko commie like yourself wouldn’t touch anything that taints your messiah. You go ahead and keep beating the dead horse for Bush. I’m sure the future article of “Remember how much fun it was to make up shit and bash Bush for no reason?” will still be “funny” years from now.
December 11th, 2008 at 3:40 pm
looks like someone got a little lazy with the Xs over peoples’ faces
December 11th, 2008 at 3:38 pm
wow, i didnt know cracked had become daily kos’ bitch.
December 11th, 2008 at 3:33 pm
Oh Swaim, what will you think of next?
December 11th, 2008 at 3:10 pm
Swaim…you’re hilarious. I liked the car egging part.
December 11th, 2008 at 3:00 pm
2000…what made them change their minds after outlasting everyone else by at least 30 years?
December 11th, 2008 at 2:59 pm
That occupancy law is pretty fucked. But the article in the links says congress made it illegal to enforce that law. Still pretty fucked.
December 11th, 2008 at 2:29 pm
holy heck, how is that housing thing legal? how did they not get sued into bankruptcy?
December 11th, 2008 at 2:26 pm
Bullshit.
December 11th, 2008 at 2:17 pm
The easitest way for GW to stay in the spotlight is through his hot daughters. Encourage them to adopt a media grubbing Paris Hilton type sluttiness, and he’s got his ticket. I’ll volunteer to help them with that.
December 11th, 2008 at 2:05 pm
did gerald ford die?
wow, how did I miss that?
December 11th, 2008 at 2:00 pm
I hope the President Nugent thing sticks. Also, you don’t need a prescription for Vagisil.
December 11th, 2008 at 1:54 pm
meh
December 11th, 2008 at 12:52 pm
Oh finally you fixed this!
Oh and maybe you should slow down Swaim, all this work makes Jack a dull boy.
Hasn’t happened yet. Maybe it only happens to people called Jack.
Hmm.