The First 100 Days ... After: A Primer for George W. Bush
In all of our lives, there are some inevitable looming tragedies that must be faced: the death of a parent, the end of childhood, and, of course, the end of our Presidential terms. Well, Mr. George W. Bush is facing such a trauma, and there's no question it's going to be rough.
After all, of the 42 ex-Presidents of the United States, only four are still alive. That's over a ninety percent mortality rate. Thats worse than 'Nam.
And without a doubt, the hardest part of an ex-Presidency is the first hundred days. That period when the country is abuzz over your replacement, yet the office is still so fresh in your mind that you sometimes awake in the middle of the night demanding to speak to the Russian Premiere, or absent-mindedly threaten to have the CIA kill an annoying neighbor before realizing your error and breaking down in a crying jag right there in the jam aisle.
But Mr. Carters laughable shortcomings aside, Bushs recent purchase of a new home in Preston Hollow, Texas, signals the beginning of his grappling with the demon Obscurity.
And because I hate to see a man kicked while hes down, Ive decided to put together this little primer to help him through the transition. Will this save us all the heartache of waking one morning to find a senile G.W. running naked through the streets of Dallas? We can only pray.
Coping With Cancellation: A Presidential Primer
Fish vs. Pond: People are judged on a relative scale. When you were the President, the citizenry of the United States (or at least 29% of them) granted you the use of all of their collective balls (and, for the sake of sexual equality, lets say ovaries). This left you with huge, swinging ovary testicles that you could fluff and sit on and show off basically anywhere you went. Your balls were so stuffed with ovaries that you had to have guys in black suits and plastic wires in their ears with you at all times.
Well, like the aged tend to do, your balls have shrunk. The important thing is to display them in their best light, like how holding a ping-pong ball next to a Monopoly house makes the ping-pong ball look huge by comparison. 
So lets look at which neighbors your importance is likely to be measured against.
Notable Preston Hollow residents include:Ross PerotYouve already accomplished something he failed to. Make sure to remind him and others of this by holding regular ex-President barbecues and accidentally sending him an invite. If he gives you any guff, just tell people you think he might be going insane. It worked on Kucinich, and theyre almost twins.
Tom HicksHe bought the Texas Rangers from you, which gave you the capitol you needed to launch your political career. In some ways, he could claim to have made you what you are.
Use this to your advantage, by reminding him of what a crappy President you turned out to be. Try loudly thanking him for the job when you run into him at the corner market. Soon enough, youll be chairing the HOA committee on pool maintenance.
Mark CubanHes richer than you, owns several sports teams and an HDTV network, and appeared on Dancing With The Stars. Okay, this one might be tough. You could learn to dance, but thats just asking for a debilitating injury. Your best bet is to have one of your SS guys run him down in a black sedan.
Im not saying you should do that, Im just saying its your best bet.
Retaining Your Celebrity: Try and keep some of that White House heat going if you can. Theres a long, cold Winter ahead, and nabbing a few headlines in regional papers can go a long way towards keeping you from chowing down on two barrels of sweet, sweet release.
Clintons got his wife to lean on, and Carters got the whole Habitat for Humanity thing. Even your Dad gets called in to give political advice now and then. Of course, Laura Bushs political career has about the same outlook as Fergies, so no help there. And if someone calls you asking for political advice, just hang up; its a prank. I know what youre thinking, but dont frettheres no need to resort to philanthropy just yet.
Instead, stick to what made you our beloved leader in the first place. Buy a company, run it into the ground. Invite Rove and Cheney over for secret planning sessions, even if you just end up watching old tapes of Felicity and talking about boys all night. Maybe even pick up your cocaine habit again (theres a friend thatll never abandon you).
In short, just get back to your roots. Youre out of D.C. now, its time to let your hair down and party like a largely forgotten rock star. Like, say, a Nugent. Thats you. Youre President Nugent. In fact, asking people to call you that might generate some press of its own.
As Powers Fade: A lot of the perks youve grown accustomed to over the last eight years are going to change, and quickly. No longer will it be within your power to call in air strikes, know what the deal is with aliens, or force Emeril to give you his secret gumbo recipe on pain of waterboarding.
The key to coping with this immense and crippling loss of power is to exercise what powers you still retain, and realize that, though in some sense crippled, you remain a self-actualized individual with the ability to affect the world around you. If youre feeling a little powerless, why not:
- Preemptively trim a neighbors encroaching hedges before they can invade your lawnspace.
- Orchestrate a massive surgeof delicious, homemade bean dip!
- Bug the driveway with a concealed baby monitor to find out who keeps swiping your newspaper.
- Use the neighborhood newsletter to leak vital information regarding Lauras Vagisil prescription.
- Hold an impromptu press conference with the family dog to announce your withdrawal from the yard.
- Watch an old war movie and pretend like you know why the losing side lost.
- Finally get back at that kid who keeps egging your car by violently invading the house of someone who has nothing to do with him, but looks kind of similar.
- Call and demand a recount of your cellular minute overages.
- Veto Lauras yam casserole. Or, if she topped it with a layer of marshmallow, consider a line-item veto.
- Head on down to the local hardware store and locate the WMDs (Weapons of Mouse Destruction).
- Beat one of your children, just so they know whos boss.
The fact that your communitys housing covenant banned black residents except as servants until the year 2000 may be a bit of a concern. In fact, now that I think about it, thats actually a huge problem. Like, super fucked up. Really? 2000? Jesus. Kanye may have something to say about that.
But most importantly of all, welcome your successor with grace and aplomb. Not that hell care, but you might guilt him into inviting you to a dinner at the White House, and you can hide in the Lincoln bedroom for a few precious hours.
When not clinging to election reportage for dear life, Michael serves as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren't Muskets!
Biggest planet in, the pain killers?Candidate so now, and this insures.In behavioral science, like NOKIA Now.Manage and it cebulka, again Word of are not financially.Your care Just, go into qualifying.,
Replyoneuniverse said:
Reply"The majority of Iraqi people... wanted the Americans to come"
The RNC isn't even trying to push that talking point anymore. You know why? Because it's bullshit. The Iraqi people didn't want us there then and they don't want us there now.
"durinng almost all of Saddam’s long reign, he was supported by Russia and China"
And your point is? By 1987 we (America) were supplying 65,000 tons of weapons and ammo and untold funds TO THE TALIBAN! WHO WERE BASED IN AFGHANISTAN! NOT IRAQ! Saddam Hussein never flew a plane into one of our buildings with the sole intention of killing Americans. He had no WMD. He had no links to the Taliban or Al-Quaida. It was all a personal vendetta for dubya. He couldn't stand the fact that some guy with brown skin had dared to threaten his daddy so he used the highest office in this country to wage a personal war. And people like you voted for him twice.
Fuck You.
btw, Swaim. Funny stuff! Keep up the good work! :)
PS. Cracked writers, you guys are geniuses. That last comment doesn't apply to you, and I congratulate you for your work. I just get so frustrated sometimes with your ignorant and retarded American brethren.
ReplyI've posted this comment before and I'll post it again, especially for the benefit of people like you, oneuniverse. I can't believe you people actually swallow that bullshit about the evil tyrant and how he had armament that threatened the US. The terrorists weren't even Iraqi. You had no business going down there, but you went anyway, proudly bearing the flag. Even already knowing how uninformed, uneducated, and just so generally ignorant and clueless you American people are, I am still surprised by your propensity to do shit like this. And some people still support the war! YOU FUCKING REELECTED BUSH FOR CHRIST'S SAKE! I truly would wish that your government collapsed, if it wasn't for the fact that the rest of the world depends on your economy. I can't believe we still economically depend on a country filled with you people. God help us all.
ReplyI never understood, nor supported, the war in Iraq. OBVIOUSLY there were no terrorists there and they had nothing to do with 9/11, and it was just as obvious that we were not getting the full story on why we invaded (we don't generally do things out of the kindness of our hearts unless we get something in return). That being said, are you kidding me with this line "people actually swallow that bulls**t about the evil tyrant" do you have any idea how many tens of thousands of people were brutally murdered by Saddam Hussein in that country? Do you know how many women were raped and tortured by his psychopathic son? Do you know how dissenters were treated? (hint: torture, then death). Do you know how people with a different religious view, even if it was only another type of Muslim belief, were treated? (hint: its torture and death again). You have to be wholly ignorant of foreign goings-on to make such a ridiculous claim that Hussein was not an evil tyrant.
The reason that terrorists came out of the woodwork when Hussein died was because he split the country into two religious groups. He allowed one to live relatively freely, while he subjugated and killed the other. When he died, it was only natural that the subjugated group rose up for revenge against those who they thought allowed him to continue on in this depraved manner. This created civil war (For the same reasons it occurred in Rwanda). This always happens when a country's regime/dictatorship is deposed as it creates a vacuum of power. Does this mean that the dictators and monarchs of the world should never be deposed? No matter how horrific their regime may be? Well, because more people tend to die under them and most free countries these days are a result of that process (tyrannical leadership, leadership defeated, civil strife, plays for power then democracy) I would say no. I would also say this is an incredibly defeatist attitude.
When that civil war began, of course Al Queada took advantage. They look anywhere they can to convince people who are too vulnerable to know any better that all the problems in the world are the fault of the "evil west" and begin recruiting.
Bush will remind every American why each and every vote counts. We'll never vote the same way again! - RBP
ReplyGeorge Bush sent the men and women of the U.S. military to defeat a tyrant, the evil Saddam Hussein.
ReplyThe majority of Iraqi people, who were living under a regime of secret police and informants, jailings, beatings and torture wanted the Americans to come, and to stay long enough to stablilse the country, at the least. They escaped a hellish regime, one which had led to hihg rates of mental illness and insanity during the period of the regime. Even during the darkest days of extreme violence and no progress during 2006, when support for the US presence dropped momentarily, no-one ever wanted Saddam Hussein back.
So well done Bush?
ps. durinng almost all of Saddam's long reign, he was supported by Russia and China, who provided him with over 95% of his military equipment. The U.S. helped him for a couple of years during the Iran - Iraq war.
hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
Replybtw,
ReplyK-Billy, Hear, hear!! Pass the popcorn!
An appropriate ending would be if Bush threw two shoes, size 10, at incoming Prez. Obama while yelling, "how do ya' like them apples??" Obama could then demonstrate his dodging skills, thus proving his worth as the next president of the United States of America!!!
ReplyTits the Nun, meet Taints your Messiah
Reply@Shii,
ReplyThere are two ways to make a joke: either grossly exaggerated a small, relatively ineffective part of an article for comedic effect or shut-the-hell-up.
I think the bitter, petty, vengeful anger towards Obama from the right is hilarious. I haven't seen this much anger misdirected to the wrong people since... well... since we invaded Iraq.
ReplyThe fact that your community’s housing covenant banned black residents “except as servants” until the year 2000 may be a bit of a concern. In fact, now that I think about it, that’s actually a huge problem. Like, super fucked up. Really? 2000? Jesus.
Reply***
Do you even read the articles you cite? If you did, you'd know that those racial exclusionary rules haven't been legally enforceable since 1948 and the only reason they still exist is because it's expensive, cumbersome, and difficult to get them removed.
Millions of homeowners have those on the properties, but they mean nothing. Try actually reading an article instead of slandering based on a headline.
Greengoddess. I am well aware this is a "internet comedy site." Honestly the only anger I have is directed at those who dont know what kbi-lly stands for. It's from a cool movie, but since I do live in Austin, I guess bigots can call it red neck as well.
ReplyI didnt vote in this election because to hell with both cadidates.
The sarcastic anger you are getting from me is actually very healthy because the democrats are very much fucking things up already and this is pure comedy gold.
That being said its slightly frustraiting when authors like this one still think the bush bashing is funny when all these democrat shenanagins are happening right in his face.
But I'm not really overly worried about it green, the next four years are going to be a jewl because I get to watch other people pick on the dems while they do indeed fuck our country in new and inspiring ways.
LOL, Taints
You know i will now use that in my greeting for my avatar.
Cheers,
kbilly
That was Swaim behind the Tim Hortons? Wow... I got genital warts from a certified celebrity!
ReplyThanks Swaim!
K-Billy, you seem to be harboring some sarcastic anger towards strangers on an internet comedy site. This attitude hardly seems healthy. I hope you have a support system in your real life so that you are able to handle the emotional challenges that are going to come your way during the next 4 years of the Democrats fucking our country up.
ReplyAlso, I think you meant compliment (with an "i"). And you're welcome.
Taints,
Your Messiah
Wow, thanks for all the "taint" complements. For those of you like 'bpbpbpbpblah' who dont seem to know what it means, then I suggest you look it up in the dictionary.
ReplyAlso.
Harriett? JJFS ? Natnie?
It's K-Billy. You fucktards obviously didnt watch Resovior Dogs. Which is a shame.
Come on, glendoor, there are a whole lot of Tim Hortonses in Ontario. I need to know which one. I do a lot of "business" behind a Timmie's and I need to be sure it won't end up the topic of Swaim's next hilarious article.
Reply*Please note that "business" may or may not refer to public masturbation.
Yes , Swaim is Casnadian now. He has moved his base of operation from SoCal to Ontario, behind a Tim Horton's I understand.
Replyconsidering the ted haggerd scandal and that republican senator who got caught soliciting from a male hooker, not to mention the fact halliburton overcharging the us when there is a huge debt crisis, also the fact that pat robertson said 9/11 is gift which keeps on giving,
Replyas for ayers, he was a leftist version of the wacko's down south who burned black churches and lynched people, the same people republicans call their base.
also barak obama never visited a mosque during his campaign(neither did mcain) but you guys call him a muslim(not that there is anything wrong with being a muslim)
and why should obama get blamed for blagojerk??? unless you are telling me obama has mind control powers(which would be awesome)
face the facts, bush is a retard, everyone, and i mean everyone knows, why do you think the president of russia is so aggressive towards the US even when the US is so much more powerful????
the answer is ...... because bush is incompetent, look at the georgian war, did bush do anything?
back when russia was actually a match for the US, president kennedy almost went to war because russia placed missiles in cuba, now the scary fact is a weaker russia can actually do more even though we are stronger
and fargin basterd, please explain how bush speaks to god, remember bush said on tv that god told him to invade iraq.
I dont know which god you worship but i am pretty sure bush was talking to someone other than god, probably satan.
read all the holy books in all religions, it says god is on the side of the weak and poor, and if you look at the republicans and democrats(yes democrats) they aint the weak and poor.
only an idiot will believe that the worlds most powerful people are chosen to be saved.The countries in the world with the worlds highest living standards and highest life expectancy are those countries which promote equality between its people(like the scandanavian countries, hell even canada)
borrowing money from the worlds biggest authoritarian state
and america's nearest competitor(china) to protect america's middle east interest is like taking money from a loan shark to bet on a race track, its a horrible gamble.
the tragic fact is future history books might actually be changed to cast obama as the guy who ruined the US economy, calling him the black muslim who destroyed western civilization
your own bible says the anti christ will rise from your own people, guess what "your people means"
(for those of you not familiar with the bible, it says that a person opposing the christ will emerge from the religious people, meaning the jewish christian population, people who follow the bible)