Internal Microsoft Vista SP1 Video
I’ll admit it: It’s easy to point your finger and laugh at this video. It makes the executives that thought it up seem hopelessly out of touch, and it makes corporate culture look even more despicable than the “One Bank” U2 cover did last year. Come on - Bruce ServicePack and the Vista Street Band? “Rockin’ Our Sales”? This video is bordering on self-parody, and I can’t really blame anyone for making fun of it, but if you’re going to laugh, at least give me a chance to explain how this happened.
I should know: I’m the one who made it.
I’d made a few internal corporate videos before. Nothing big or anything; I cut my teeth on Wendy’s “Grill Skill”, but I didn’t really start getting any attention until Apple’s “Black & Blue”. That was when things really started to take off for me, but it was also when Steve Ballmer started calling me… constantly.
It was the fall of 2006, and I got a call from an unfamiliar number. I had already blocked Ballmer’s home, office and cell numbers, but this time he was calling me from a payphone.
“Rossy, baby,” he said. “I’ve got a cherry of a project for you. Our new product line is launching next-”
“I already told you, Ballmer, I’m not interested,” I said. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m about to watch the series premiere of some new show called Heroes.”
“We’re prepared to offer you whatever you want,” he said.
“Whatever I want?”
“Whatever you want.”
There were problems from the get-go. The budget was too small, the shooting schedule was impossible, and I’m pretty sure the guy we cast as Bruce ServicePack was a junkie (I started getting suspicious when I walked into the bathroom and there he was, shooting heroin). I said I thought the saxophone solo was gratuitous; Ballmer said it was essential to hyping up the team. I said I thought the BitLocker superhero bit was hackneyed and tired; Ballmer said he had already promised the part to his down-on-his-luck nephew.
Then there was the catering… Christ, don’t even get me started on the catering.
Ballmer fought me every inch of the way and turned the whole project into the watered-down, middle-of-the-road pile of garbage you see now. It was the first and last time I would ever work for Microsoft, but I’m not trying to dodge the bullet here. It’s my fault this video exists, and for that I sincerely apologize to all of you.
And that, my friends, is the story of how I came to own a swimming pool filled with kittens.
Last 5 posts by Ross Wolinsky
- The 5 Lamest Forwarded Emails (And Why Your Mom Loves Them) - November 19th, 2008
- The 5 Biggest News Stories You Missed During Election Season - November 6th, 2008
- "I Have Brain Cancer": 6 Amazing Non-Sex Scenes from Porn - October 21st, 2008
- 15 (Worthless) Things We Learned from the Town Hall Debate - October 8th, 2008
- Porn, Pizza and Awesome Roller Coasters: Vote Wolinsky In '08 - September 24th, 2008
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April 24th, 2008 at 8:52 am
I’m sorry, I’m a troll.
April 20th, 2008 at 8:43 am
Luftwaffe, your saying someone might block you for being “humorously” intolerant….on Cracked?
April 19th, 2008 at 1:38 pm
Actually, the correct pronoun is “us”. And I felt that posting Nazi worship on the comment section of the only Jewish blogger could get me blocked without a disclaimer saying that I didn’t mean it. Remember, the tolerant, moral, and and in no way necrophiliac Cracked editors toil night and day to keep their articles Pullitzer Prize-worthy.
April 19th, 2008 at 8:34 am
I was realy getting into Luftwaffe lengthy comment and cheering when the Nazi’s suck came. It seem she/it/them/he had a plan to unleach Hannah onto stalingrad, that would be a sight. Anyway, this is the best free entertainment i get. It’s a pity that Lex is now making only the Week in Douchebaggery, I loved news on cracked.
April 18th, 2008 at 9:47 pm
I dated the guy who plays “Courtney Cox” years ago.
April 18th, 2008 at 6:52 pm
he is handsome.I was really surprised when I saw his profile on a celebrity and millionaire dating site called ‘Searching Millionaire dot Com ‘.Many girls added him to hot list. It seems the profile looks sincere and attractive.
April 18th, 2008 at 4:43 pm
It’s not that I didn’t like it, it’s just that the X-Files always reminds me of that time I got anally probed by a man wearing a sweater-vest and staring into the distance.
Oh, and I found the hat, petra, so all the mean voices have gone away.
April 18th, 2008 at 3:49 pm
Wait. So hold on, Luftwaffe. You DIDN’T like the Gillian Anderson post?
April 18th, 2008 at 3:24 pm
Kittys.. Pretty kittys in a pool..
yeaaaaaaaaaaa !!!!
April 18th, 2008 at 3:20 pm
As someone with a German nickname I abhore and detest your comments good sir.
April 18th, 2008 at 3:16 pm
did you forget your foil hat today?
April 18th, 2008 at 3:12 pm
The Luftwaffe never loses! We will completely destroy Britain this time, and all shall see their folly when the Fuhrer ascends his throne and the Jews are driven to their rat-holes where they shall witness the creation of a new world order! The Techno Vikings shall roam the streets, crushing all who oppose the New Reich; and Stalingrad will be razed to the ground by our army of children, who shall drink the blood of our foes as they try to escape the might that is Deutschland! Meanwhile, we shall force the Americans to watch as their precious “Idols” are given public execution, while the grave of Kurt Cobain is exhumed and the corpse desecrated! All those who want their beloved democracy shall be executed by listening to Rammstein’s “Du Hast” until their brain cells are completely dissolved! All hail the Fuhrer! Sieg Heil! Sieg Heil!
No, seriously, Nazis suck.
April 18th, 2008 at 2:59 pm
You can hardly blame them glenny old buddy, the wrecking ball was hardly a wise addition. It just seemed like you were trying to pad out the claim at that point.
April 18th, 2008 at 2:52 pm
Yeah, one time I blew up the back end of the house with a pipe bomb I was making, the insurance people were not understanding, not understanding at all.
April 18th, 2008 at 2:47 pm
Still, they might only lose after my insurance premiums go up. I wouldn’t want that on my conscience.
Oh, or the death of dozens of innocents. That might suck, too.
April 18th, 2008 at 2:41 pm
Don’t worry about the Luftwaffe, they lose , they always lose.
April 18th, 2008 at 2:40 pm
He meant: you suck your ass out of your balls!
There you go, Wolinsky– I’ve got your back.
Of course, I kid… I wouldn’t want to piss off the Luftwaffe. The last thing I need is to explain to my insurance company why my apartment building was blitzkrieged.
April 18th, 2008 at 2:06 pm
Wow, someone felt the need to release some righteous anger. It’s called sarcasm, Ross. You’re funny, so is the rest of the Cracked blog, don’t lose any sleep over it.
I am surprised that you decided to remind me that most fiction writers write fictionalized stories. You meant most of them bring up pop-culture references, right?
April 18th, 2008 at 2:00 pm
I figure someone needs to comment on this
http://youtube.com/watch?v=SIRuon4TLFM
epic
April 18th, 2008 at 1:41 pm
You get to pay money for Cracked? I get Gladstone hanging around my house pestering me for friendship and quality time… I wish this site only cost me money.
The ‘Stone is neeeedy!
April 18th, 2008 at 1:33 pm
Well I’ll say this for the video you produced Ross, the Courtney Cox lookalike( and I use that term loosely) dances better than Courtney Cox did in the orginal video.
VISTA GOTTA GET ME SOME!!!!!!!
Oh yeah, what’s this shit about free entertainment, Cracked.com has been charging my credit card for months.
April 18th, 2008 at 1:26 pm
hahahaha I for one love my free entertainment.
April 18th, 2008 at 1:22 pm
Sorry for fucking up for your free entertainment, Luftwaffe.
Maybe instead of reading our blog you should busy yourself by starting a letter-writing campaign to battle all those other “biters” out there who are writing “fictionalized stories with pop-culture references.” You know - like 90% of all living fiction writers.
April 18th, 2008 at 12:56 pm
You know, the bloggers here (except for Daniel O’Brien) are starting to get lazy. First we have Gladstone trying to pass off sexy pictures for an actual post, then Swaim has to make a reference to a Cracked article to maintain our interest (just say something racist, Mike, that’s all it takes), and now Wolinsky tries to capitalize on DOB’s success by taking his style (fictional stories with pop-culture references). For shame, gentlemen.
April 18th, 2008 at 12:39 pm
According to Microsoft.com: “Microsoft believes in a strong software ecosystem where multiple development models thrive and all play a role. ”
If that doesn’t rock, I don’t know what does.
April 18th, 2008 at 12:27 pm
i too was confused and worried by the ecosystem reference. i assumed it would be cleared up eventually, but it … just… didn’t… happen…
April 18th, 2008 at 11:22 am
“Our ecosystem rocks?” Is that some kind of corporate doublespeak I don’t know, or are they seriously happy about the state of the environment?
April 18th, 2008 at 11:14 am
I want a pool full of kittens too!
CANNONBALL!
April 18th, 2008 at 11:13 am
Thanks for all the videos. However, the “Black & Blue” was too scarey.
April 18th, 2008 at 11:11 am
FIRST!
And what’s wrong with rocking sales?