Back in September of 2007 I was a much different person. My beard was a little thinner, I had never eaten an oyster before, and perhaps most importantly, I owed hundreds of millions of yen to the Yakuza, who had mailed me my daughter’s pinky finger and put a (relatively low) price on my head. (One other small difference: In September of 2007 I had a living, breathing daughter. Damn you, Yakuza! Damn you all to hell!)
Coincidentally, that was right around the time that Cracked Editor Jack O’Brien emailed me an interesting business proposition: post a YouTube video with commentary on the Cracked blog every day, Monday through Friday, and get a huge sack with a dollar sign on it delivered to my house whenever there was a full moon. I agreed, although we later decided that checks sent by mail every other week would be much more convenient, and just like that the Nooner was born.
Over the course of the last seven months I’ve written 146 of these things, and although it would be heartwarming for me to say “I’ve come to love constantly scouring the internet for videos of naked Japanese men in horse masks cooking mushrooms,” let’s face the facts: writing Nooners is a great way to pay off a gambling debt to the Yakuza, but that’s probably the most I can really say about it. And as luck would have it, it turns out that Cracked.com is actually owned by the Yakuza, who were kind enough to erase my debt in exchange for the 146 Nooners I’ve written (along with several deeds that shall go unnamed for legal purposes).
Domo arigato, Mr. Takahashi. Domo arigato.
That being said, I might as well get to the point: I won’t be writing Nooners anymore.
Just kidding. Well, sort of - I’ll still be writing Nooners, but they won’t be daily. Next week I’ll be drinking margaritas on a beach in Mexico, and the week after that I’ll be back to post a couple of Nooners each week, but this Monday through Friday stuff? Do you really think I’d keep doing that without angry Yakuza breathing down my neck? Get a clue.
See you all next-next week!
Last 5 posts by Ross Wolinsky
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May 18th, 2008 at 11:02 am
Hey Ross, nice to know those merciful Yakuza can be bought off by blogs.
Alas it’s too late for me.
And my pinky.
May 16th, 2008 at 9:20 pm
Thus the laziness was broken.
Damn you, Ross.
May 16th, 2008 at 7:02 pm
But that still means that on days when there is no Nooner, if we want to see videos of apes peeing into their own mouths or animals in cowboy hats riding other animals, we have to search YouTube ourselves.
May 16th, 2008 at 5:49 pm
And Lord Jack Spoke from on high.
May 16th, 2008 at 5:24 pm
To help shine a ray of light through the thick fog of mystery and irony Ross shrouded his goodbye in: Ross will be posting two “nooners” and one long form column each week when he returns. Same quality and pretty much the same quantity, but he’ll get to write about things other than people whose lives have been ruined by unwanted YouTube fame.
May 16th, 2008 at 3:43 pm
Ross, I understand, you’re really not going to Mexico, you’re really going into treatment for your horrible crack addiction, that you announced yesterday. Good for you Ross, good for you and remember take it one day at a time.
You will be missed. On the days you don’t post anyways.
May 16th, 2008 at 1:30 pm
Damn!! What’s next? DOB disapearing?? Fuck please no!!
May 16th, 2008 at 1:17 pm
The worst part of all is having that shitty r&b song in my head now.
May 16th, 2008 at 1:08 pm
I’ll let you touch my man boobs if you keep doing it daily.
May 16th, 2008 at 12:31 pm
Man! I never thought I’d hit refresh with any other site so often, besides maybe a Jobs announcement of some sort….
May 16th, 2008 at 11:54 am
lame. what is the cracked blog site without blogs? fail…
May 16th, 2008 at 11:48 am
Damn you! It’s the news on cracked thing all over again, where it stops being daily and quality drops ever so slightly barely noticeabley!.
Of course it does make sense that cracked is owned by the yakuza, I mean come on, David WONG? The word wong is german for yakuza! Who are they trying to kid?
May 16th, 2008 at 11:41 am
By “drinking margaritas on the beach in Mexico” you really mean “catching the clap from that prostitute you ‘thought was a woman’”
Enjoy a cock fight for me, which is far different than the “sword fights” you usually partake in.
May 16th, 2008 at 11:29 am
Dont bother apocowarg. His “daughter” was just a kid he had kidnapped and was holding for ransom. He’s never had children.
May 16th, 2008 at 11:21 am
This means every work day is now slightly less entertaining. DAMN YOU, WOLINSKY! I vow to kidnap your next born child and force you back into slavery.
May 16th, 2008 at 11:17 am
Because, Flash (If that is your real name), DOB is the only person standing in the way of Hannah Montana’s world domination. He is the only thing stopping the Lizard people that Hannah controls from laying eggs in your anus.
May 16th, 2008 at 11:12 am
Lame. Why couldn’t DOB quit instead.
On a positive note though, FIRST POST!