Unless you’ve been living under a rock for the last year (particularly if it’s a rock with no internet connection), chances are you’ve heard about the 140-characters-or-less blogging service Twitter.com. Hailed by prominent nerds as the best thing to hit the internet since the dancing baby, Twitter has quickly risen to become the web’s most popular “micro-blogging” site.
That’s all well & good for tech-savvy bloggers who actually know what “micro-blogging” is, but what about you, the average Joe who still uses Netscape to check your Friendster “Testimonials” on a shared computer at the public library? What about people like me, ordinary folks who still fall for the old “My Nigerian Bank Account Is Overflowing With Money And I Need Your Help” routine time and time again? Does Twitter have anything to offer idiots like us? I decided to find out.
According to some article on Time.com (who else would you to turn to for valuable information about tech trends? Cracked.com?!), Twitter is “blogging for regular people.” I don’t know what in the name of God that’s supposed to mean; I thought blogging was ALREADY for regular people. Isn’t that the whole idea? That anyone can write one? Should we really be making it EVEN EASIER to share your thoughts with the entire internet?
In their own words, Twitter is “a service for friends, family, and co–workers to communicate and stay connected through the exchange of quick, frequent answers to one simple question: What are you doing?” Here’s the thing: Most of the time, my answer to that question is going to be “working,” “dropping a deuce,” or “getting loaded under a highway overpass.” Considering all the awards and accolades it has received from the tech community, there has to be more to Twitter than the ability to tell your friends when you’re dropping a deuce, right?
Right?!
To answer this question I’ll once again turn to Twitter for an answer. According to the “Why?” page on Twitter.com, “basic updates are meaningful to family members, friends, or colleagues—especially when they’re timely.” Let’s try to wrap our heads around this baffling statement one part at a time, shall we?
Family
I don’t know about you guys, but I spend a good chunk of my time HIDING what I do from my family. Considering that, why would I want to give them a web-based tracking collar that will alert them to my every move? Do I really want them to know how drunk I am (very), what I’m drinking (Evan Williams), and where I’m drinking it (alone under a highway overpass) at any given moment? Besides, attempting to teach my mom how to use Twitter would be like trying to teach a goat how to surf: hilarious, fun to watch, and yet completely pointless and ultimately kind of depressing.
Friends
If we’re friends, chances are you already have a pretty good idea of what I’m doing. My day-to-day life follows a pretty strict routine (go to work, eat dinner, go get drunk under a highway overpass). If you don’t know where to find me at any given point in the day, give me a call and maybe I’ll tell you. If you don’t know me well enough to call me, well, then you probably don’t need to know where I am.
Colleagues
If your colleagues don’t know where you are, why in the name of God would you want to make it easier for them to find you?!
I had some misgivings about this whole Twitter thing, but I decided to give it a shot:
I wasn’t totally sure where to go from there, to be honest. I’d told my Twitter followers all about my driving, twittering, and public urination - what was left? I thought that would cover it, that my Twitter feed would be inundated with thousands of fans, all curious to know more about the fascinating minutiae of my daily life. But after 24 hours of back-breaking twittering, I could still count my readers on one hand.
“Looks like it’s time for the gloves to come off,” I said, mostly because I was in a liquor store buying a bottle of Evan Williams and the gloves were making it hard to take out my wallet. The guy behind the counter just stared at me silently. Maybe he would’ve said something if he’d known how hard the internet can be. You know - like “Why are you wearing gloves in the middle of summer?” or “Get the hell out of my store.”
Ever since our earliest human ancestors crawled over to a computer, loaded up a Usenet client and posted a message for all to read (probably something along the lines of “Did anyone tape Doctor Who last night?”), man has been drawn to online social networking tools for an obvious reason: to convince himself that he is more popular than he actually is in real life. Picture the guy on MySpace with 500,000 “friends,” most of which are inanimate objects and cartoon characters. Picture Tila Tequila. The point of life is to be as popular as humanly possible, and the online world is no exception to this rule.
That being said, I quickly realized that I didn’t want to just USE Twitter: I wanted to WIN at Twitter.
So who’s currently winning at Twitter? According to the good folks over at Twitterholic.com, the top 5 users are:
Stiff competition, to be sure, but what do these guy have that I don’t (other than fame, fortune, and the respect of their peers)? What makes them so interesting that thousands of people want to know when they go to the bathroom? The question had me stumped, so I grabbed a bottle of Evan Williams and headed down to my favorite highway overpass to do some thinking. A few hours later it hit me:
They are all nerds.
Admittedly, Barack Obama doesn’t quite fit the equation, but if you look at the Top 100 Twitter users there is an unmistakable pattern: they are mostly tech-oriented blogger types. I had figured out the target demographic - now all I had to do was use it to my advantage.
I reclined lazily on the couch and hit refresh a few times, eagerly anticipating the praise and affections of the tech community that I so obviously deserved. Yet somehow even now, almost a whole day later, I’m STILL not a Top 100 Twitter User. Which all leads me to an unfortunate but seemingly unavoidable conclusion:
Twitter is fucking bullshit. Case closed.
Last 5 posts by Ross Wolinsky
- The 5 Lamest Forwarded Emails (And Why Your Mom Loves Them) - November 19th, 2008
- The 5 Biggest News Stories You Missed During Election Season - November 6th, 2008
- "I Have Brain Cancer": 6 Amazing Non-Sex Scenes from Porn - October 21st, 2008
- 15 (Worthless) Things We Learned from the Town Hall Debate - October 8th, 2008
- Porn, Pizza and Awesome Roller Coasters: Vote Wolinsky In '08 - September 24th, 2008
November 9th, 2008 at 1:39 pm
Twitter is crack for stalkers and for people who secretly like to be stalked. Twitter users aren’t twits, they are twats.
October 27th, 2008 at 3:08 am
hy, Do something for help the hungry people in Africa and India,
I made this blog about that subject:
at http://tinyurl.com/65dptv
October 10th, 2008 at 6:16 pm
Absolutely hilarious… And I´m one of those under-the-rock types who had no idea what the F twitter was….
September 17th, 2008 at 1:08 am
Couldn’t help noticing that most comments are below the 140 characters. Twitter ready this blog is.
August 21st, 2008 at 11:28 pm
[...] os mais diversos momentos da sua vida, leitor – porque a minha é privada e twitter (ou veja aqui que é mais legal) é coisinha de viado estudante de novas tecnologias. Blog também – (isso aqui [...]
August 12th, 2008 at 7:56 am
Germans love Hasselhoff and Wolinsky. Maybe we’ll just call you Wolinskelhoff from now on?
August 11th, 2008 at 3:33 pm
@ klingmoney+1
Could be, there is a kind of humor, germans like very much…
Dankeschön RoWo
August 11th, 2008 at 3:29 pm
Rosswolinsky is supercool.
It´s a turn Signal…. ROFL
Thanks for this cool stuff!
All the best
Johannes Frisch
http://twitter.com/jofrix
August 11th, 2008 at 12:28 pm
[...] http://www.cracked.com/blog/2008/07/30/the-drunk-idiots-guide-to-twitter/ [...]
August 11th, 2008 at 7:35 am
RoWo, why do you always attract German bloggers?
Sinn von Twitter, Digg-Mastern von Cracked.
August 11th, 2008 at 12:21 am
[...] Ein netter Artikel über den Sinn von Twitter, den ich gefunden hab. Nicht jede Schlussfolgerung darin spricht einen an aber insgesamt recht unterhaltsam, da es sehr lustig geschrieben wurde. Hier der Link [...]
August 6th, 2008 at 1:49 pm
No one actually pays attention to shit on Twitter. If they did they would read all of the awesome Digitalfuntown posts that go up everyday.
http://www.digitalfuntown.com/homepage.php
August 6th, 2008 at 11:35 am
There are two layers of Twitts. The ones with over a thousand followers (yep, they are nerds, but clever ones who you don’t mind being seen talking to at parties), and then techno blondes like me who have fewer followers but use Twitter to get answers that the bloke emptying the bins or even the nice lady down the library just can’t help with.
I use Twitter for three reasons:
To ask how to make my computer work/dowload software or other technical stuff before I completely lose it and smash the whole thing up with a hammer. I follow people with more brain cells than me and they are really helpful. Which is why my computers are still in one piece.
To let of steam and share emotion. Yes, ok, it may seem sad that none of my kids or passing street people are interested in my deep emotional reactions to various daily events, but psychologically Twitter has a powerful role to play for many of us working from home and with responsibilities that make sleeping under flyovers a thing of the past.
Laughing. It’s hard to scan my tweets in the inbox without having a good laugh (it’s where I found this blog) and frequent laughing is a good way to avoid totally emotional breakdown. It takes a while to get the humour of Twitter as you need to develop a ‘feel’ for the people behind the tweets and their respective personalities.
So, Twitts are more likely to find answers to questions by getting other people do the research for them, less likely to have a nervous breakdown, but more likely to be taken away by the men in white coats for laughing hysterically at a screen for no apparent reason.
August 6th, 2008 at 9:49 am
I strongly suggest you get more from the hot cougar dating club called Cougarlove.com, a nice and free place for Older Women and Younger Men to interact with each other. It’s fabulous.
August 5th, 2008 at 2:08 pm
Jay Says:
Which one chick from Heroes? That’s all I want to know. And where are those pictures?
Well it would definitely need to be that shape changing hotty. She would be totally the best girlfriend ever…until of course she shape changes into my mother during anal sex.
August 5th, 2008 at 8:45 am
Which one chick from Heroes? That’s all I want to know. And where are those pictures?
August 4th, 2008 at 6:39 pm
I agree with Heather. I never would have read this article had I not followed a link a fellow tweeter posted. I find a lot of links through twitter. Plus, it can be rather comedic if you have funny friends to just read their updates.
Plus its like the only social networking site not blocked at my work.
August 4th, 2008 at 5:12 pm
I appreciate your appreciation of Evan Williams Kentucky Bourbon Whiskey. Seeing as how my name is Evan Williams, I am somewhat obligated to consume…myself?… and whole-heartedly enjoy every crazy adventure it provides me.
August 4th, 2008 at 1:35 am
Twitter is fun…sometimes it CRACKS ME UP…
Sharon
~The Baby Boomer Queen~
August 3rd, 2008 at 7:58 pm
Who doesnt know who alex abrecht is?
August 3rd, 2008 at 1:27 pm
I think this article is very funny- You go rosswolinsky2.0 !
However, the point of twitter is links. I follow people who link me to interesting web sites. Theirs, or others. Cuts back on surfing- and I read items I would have missed.
I found THIS article VIA A TWITTER POST from a twit I follow.
August 3rd, 2008 at 8:07 am
I’m currently leaving a comment on cracked.
August 3rd, 2008 at 4:55 am
CLEVER!!! this ALMOST looked like a Twitter dis! until I remembered that the latest issue of WIRED also features Twitter in a couple of it’s gags. One would think that tons of people are actually using this.
August 3rd, 2008 at 3:44 am
lol…too good
August 3rd, 2008 at 3:33 am
Funny article but I must say I like twitter and my blog readers like twitter. They get to find out things that are going on that wouldn’t make it to the blog.
Plus, it refreshes blog and MySpace each time I put a message up, and I’ve met some interesting people.
Like it or not, in certain circumstances it’s an excellent tool.
August 2nd, 2008 at 11:11 pm
can’t comment - too busy twittering…
August 2nd, 2008 at 6:03 pm
Res_Ipsa Says:
July 31st, 2008 at 2:52 pm
I think you’re disqualified- he said “characters” not “words”. Nice try, though- A for effort.
August 2nd, 2008 at 5:44 pm
The hands look like they’re shaping up to bowl that baby…holy shit! baby bowling! Siiick
August 2nd, 2008 at 7:00 am
Of course people are following you, you’re funny. It’s the same as people wanting to read your stuff here. Those messages on Twitter were comedy gold.
http://twitter.com/rosswolinsky
Why twitter? Well, why do you write? I guess it’s probably because you get paid? (Evan Williams). You could use it though to build up your name as a journalist. Each time you write an article you drop a link on Twitter. Suddenly X-thousand people visit cracked.com to read your stuff. Hmmm think about the Evan William possibilities…
Thanks for the laugh today anyway, that’s probably the funniest thing I’ve read for months.
August 1st, 2008 at 7:27 pm
I appreciate that, sparkling with anticipation; that 20 I slipped you to say so just bought me some street cred here I hope. Now, if you could only convince folks Gladstone was funny…
August 1st, 2008 at 6:47 pm
J-Pappi, you make me laugh.
Twice, in fact, as I had to scroll back up again to see if it was still funny. It was.
August 1st, 2008 at 6:37 pm
I’m drunk…yea Family Guy, boobs, lesbian sex, and awkardly un-determined softball enthusiasts. Funny statement.
August 1st, 2008 at 3:32 pm
[...] article on cracked.com has propelled some of my [...]
August 1st, 2008 at 1:39 pm
Hey Ross, did you notice the nickname some German guy posted for you on your last article (7 Blah Blah Blah Digg)? He called you Digg-Mastern von Cracked!
Keep up with the funny articles, and you will indeed someday be Digg-Mastern von Cracked.
August 1st, 2008 at 1:01 pm
Once again ross wolinsky. I love you. E.W. is tattooed on my ass in a heart because I love drinking cheap whiskey under highway overpasses.
August 1st, 2008 at 9:19 am
[...] Link [...]
August 1st, 2008 at 2:47 am
Ha! For serious, Ross, this is the funniest blog/article/Twitter posting on Cracked.com in a good long time.
August 1st, 2008 at 1:14 am
Ross: Hopefully social Darwinism will take its toll and all of the dweebs updating their Twitter accounts will crash their cars as they do it, since it’s usually from a cell (as meowmix pointed out). I just pray they don’t take out normal people as they do so.
glendoor: Or making an O-face.
August 1st, 2008 at 12:05 am
This comment is offencive, so be offended. aids monkeys
July 31st, 2008 at 10:32 pm
I never got Twitter either… I mean, you primarily use your phone for it right? So why not just send a text message to the people you give a shit about? Oh well… Nothing else on the internet makes sense, why start now?
July 31st, 2008 at 9:32 pm
a twitter is the noise a bunch of birds make foolz
July 31st, 2008 at 8:21 pm
I agree, Ross. There’s another add for the same insurance with a very grumpy looking kid. Let’s get the kiddies thinking about their mortality at an early age, cause…you know, it’ll make ‘em healthier adults.
July 31st, 2008 at 7:35 pm
You’re just jealous because your Twitter wasn’t as popular as mine is.
July 31st, 2008 at 6:28 pm
I loled at the drunk under the bridge line. Every time.
July 31st, 2008 at 6:28 pm
Or fixing to start to sing the main song from “Comic Con The Musical”.
July 31st, 2008 at 6:27 pm
That baby looks like it getting an enema.
July 31st, 2008 at 6:08 pm
Ironically enough, in the 36 hours since this was posted I’ve had about 30 new people start “following” me on Twitter.
I think they may have missed the point.
On a completely unrelated note, am I the only person who thinks this banner ad is kind of weird?
July 31st, 2008 at 4:34 pm
social networking sites in general are pretty much a useless exercise in narcissism.
July 31st, 2008 at 4:31 pm
Shit. I didn’t even try to offend any fanboys. The Wii sucks, the Xbox sucks, the Playstation sucks, video games suck, PCs suck, Microsoft sucks, Linux sucks, Macs and any Apple products suck, the Internet sucks, Luddites suck, etc. etc. ad infinitum.
Blah blah blah. Being jaded is overrated. I just want to feel . . . *sniff sniff* Maybe I should Twitter that. Oh wait, I don’t have a Twitter account.
July 31st, 2008 at 4:19 pm
I don’t twitter / blog because:
1) No one cares.
2) It’s none of their goddamn business anyway.
July 31st, 2008 at 4:14 pm
king of the internet XD havent lol’d so hard in a while
July 31st, 2008 at 3:53 pm
I love you, Ross.
July 31st, 2008 at 3:51 pm
Well I guess if you have an interesting life, or are really that desperate for attention, twitter could be useful. Then again I hate people knowing too much about me. I have a cell phone but always have it off because I don’t want pople calling me when I’m relaxing or out.
So I pretty much agree with everything in this blog.
July 31st, 2008 at 3:27 pm
yea.i’m kind of used to doing stuff like other people and not getting much praise for it.take a look at my website.
July 31st, 2008 at 3:21 pm
You didn’t offend the rabid Linux sycophants yet. That’s, like, half the internet.
July 31st, 2008 at 3:17 pm
meh
July 31st, 2008 at 2:52 pm
# goofball Says:
July 31st, 2008 at 10:47 am
I think I smell a cracked user contest!! The most offensive post (160 charaters or less).
We’ll need to start scrolling through the archives, then. Or is it just from this point on?
Does “Zombie dead hookers rape autistic toddlers with spiked, AIDS-blood-encrusted dildos while kicking orphaned puppies into the faces of elderly Alzheimer’s patients and simultaneously urinate upon aborted fetuses forcibly ripped from the wombs of crying ex-nuns literally booted from church–their pregnancies having resulted from being raped by Al Qaeda terrorists (videotaped by Obama, Hillary, McCain and Ron Paul, laughing, for their new reality TV show)–while the Bodhisattva of Buddha watches, shitting on his enlightened toilet, and gets a blowjob from Martin Luther King Jr. and Mahatma Gandhi!” count?
July 31st, 2008 at 1:37 pm
Add my twitter in http://twitter.com/gagahput3ra
July 31st, 2008 at 12:44 pm
Why Kingmonkey, that may be the nicest thing anyone’s ever said to me. That and the old man across the street telling me to get the hell out of his yard when I was a kid. I’ll need a moment alone now. (sniff, sniff)
July 31st, 2008 at 12:23 pm
…That’s what facebook status is for. I don’t think I need more than one “Birdie hates statistics” posts on the internet at one time.
July 31st, 2008 at 11:24 am
I think J-Pappi wins.
July 31st, 2008 at 10:47 am
I think I smell a cracked user contest!! The most offensive post (160 charaters or less).
July 31st, 2008 at 10:12 am
Well done, Beav. Well done.
July 31st, 2008 at 10:03 am
Wake me when they do an article on Twatter.
July 31st, 2008 at 9:19 am
Done! woo hoo Please follow my twitter account I am McFetus
July 31st, 2008 at 9:10 am
I don’t know about that. I think there are a few websites that could stand to be blocked on the grounds that they are offensive to humanity in general.
Freakin’ Anne Geddes.
July 31st, 2008 at 8:39 am
Good thing the US allows us to decide on our own what websites are a waste of time and therefore doesn’t block any
July 31st, 2008 at 8:33 am
Twitter is blocked . . . but not Cracked.com?! Wow. I don’t know if that’s funny or sad.
July 31st, 2008 at 8:15 am
Evan Williams (the person, not the bourbon) is the founder of Twitter…. and a bourbon. Oh the irony.
July 31st, 2008 at 7:58 am
Luckily for us folks in Dubai, the government has already decided twitter is a waste of time and taken the liberty to block the website.
July 30th, 2008 at 10:39 pm
Kentucky straight Bourbon whiskey; 80 proof green label, 90 proof Black.
July 30th, 2008 at 10:24 pm
I’m not American, so please tell me Evan Williams is a liquor brand.
July 30th, 2008 at 8:55 pm
Let me guess…the hot side stays hot and the cool side cool? Do tell about the special sauce…maybe collected as gutter run-off from a Tijuana donkey show?
July 30th, 2008 at 8:08 pm
J-Pappi . . . no, no, no. I save the coat hangers for the illegal back alley abortions, used to make the tasty McFetus burger.
Did the Dutch make Twitter? I didn’t really read all the article.
July 30th, 2008 at 7:12 pm
You know what else Ross hates besides Twitter? The Dutch.
July 30th, 2008 at 7:00 pm
12:35: Bitch, where’s my money?
12:48: Don’t make me break out the coat hanger on yo’ ass…
12:56: Re: Rotting
July 30th, 2008 at 6:58 pm
I guess I’ve been living under a rock the past year; this is the first I’ve heard of it. R_I, you could use it to keep track of your dead hookers’ activities. Though it would probably be like:
10:00: Rotting
10:46: Rotting
11:17: Rotting, etc.
July 30th, 2008 at 6:23 pm
I agree. I don’t get Twitter. I guess I don’t think I’m that important that everyone always needs to know what I’m up to all the time, beyond the away statuses that every site now has.
July 30th, 2008 at 6:13 pm
So it’s “bash some wabpage” week in crackedblog?
Can’t complain, they may start blogging about something stupid, like babies or something.
July 30th, 2008 at 5:43 pm
may I remind you that Obama is the PRESUMPTIVE nominee. Yes there is no longer any compition but by some cosmic fluke of great magnitude it is possilbe he wont get it.
and when did obama get the respect of his peers? Jesse Jackson wants to cut his nuts off.
July 30th, 2008 at 4:56 pm
I’ve never been so ashamed of my Twitter usage.
July 30th, 2008 at 1:35 pm
Well done. It sounds like twitter is a place where regular people can pretend to be celebrities and the paparazi at the same time.
July 30th, 2008 at 1:18 pm
Just checked to see who was using my namesake on twitter. Yup. Nerd.
hit 61 on hanzorian! 11:45 PM April 05, 2007 from web
2 min 10 sec, 220 cal, 163 avg hr, 181 max hr, ~1 mile run 07:10 PM April 05, 2007 from web
freedom at last… 06:03 PM April 05, 2007 from web
forgetting for the n-th time to append self. infront of a method name in python 01:59 PM April 05, 2007 from web
wishing he could take a nap 12:46 PM April 05, 2007 from web
wishing I was this good at photoshop: http://tinyurl.com/2yr26e 10:07 AM April 05, 2007 from web
July 30th, 2008 at 1:12 pm
Hee. Hee. I rhymed.
July 30th, 2008 at 1:12 pm
Wiki says “twit” is a British slang word for an insignificant, foolish or annoying person. Great Odin’s Raven. It totally fits. Twitter is for twits.
July 30th, 2008 at 12:31 pm
Blogs suck!
…
July 30th, 2008 at 8:30 am
Mapleban……. oh fuck this, your check bounced kingmonkey.
Funny Ross.
July 30th, 2008 at 8:14 am
I remember when Cracked insisted on posting Twitter shtuff for a while. It was the first I’d heard of the site, and the last I’d ever seen of it. I checked it out and had no further inclination to check it out again. It is pointless and has a dumb name.
As we learned with yesterday Cuil fiasco, no one likes websites with dumb names.
Is a Twitter user actually called a Twit, or am I just assuming that?