Our demographics studies have revealed that a majority of Cracked blog readers are sexy, deadly ingénues in the midst of international games of cat and mouse (all except Glendoor; he’s just this guy). As such, I thought I’d do you all the favor of formulating your political opinions for you, seeing as you’re so busy falling perversely in love with the secret service agents sworn to exterminate you for the sake of national security.
Thus, to the recent Democratic debates in Philadelphia. No, not the ABC debate; the important one, the one on last night’s episode of The Colbert Report. Yes, Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, and even John Edwards stopped by the show last night, and although they never spoke to one another directly or answered any questions, the debate had a clear winner: Stephen Colbert.
Let’s take one of the show’s opening segments, in which Hillary Clinton comes on to help fix their malfunctioning projection screen.
First of all, I’m pretty sure that’s the same scenario The Muppet Show used to introduce about forty percent of their guest stars. Secondly, I’m no classicist, but isn’t there something unsettling about a Senator and Presidential candidate stumbling woodenly through a pre-scripted bit with a talk show host? I thought that kind of thing was only for Nobel Peace Prize Winners.
Stephen Colbert’s power to manipulate the will of his massive audience has translated into an unprecedented ability to force politicians into mugging at a camera and saying things that they probably don’t understand and loathe saying. Anyone with the ego to run for President has got to have some sense of inflated decorum, and I doubt Senator Clinton’s stop in at “that show the numbers guys say will get the stoner vote” was a highlight for her dignity.
While Edwards seemed to genuinely enjoy his bit, that’s probably because it was the funniest and he’s already out of the race.
Admitting that The Colbert Report is where most Americans get their news these days is a lot easier once you’ve got nothing to lose. Still, he managed to staple some talking points onto the script, and in general struck me as the least out of his element.
Finally, we have Obama, who made up for his inability to actually be in the studio—judging by the backdrop, he was busy facing away from a large audience of orange enthusiasts—by regurgitating Colbert-ian cultural memes like a ventriloquist’s dummy. Not only did he “put something on notice,” he actually said the words “Grizzly bears are the number one threat to America.”
The implications here are staggering. Some of the most powerful people in the world are now having their actions circumscribed by a guy who produces a regular flash cartoon series of himself having sex with aliens. If he can un-endanger elephants, he can damn sure make all the Democratic candidates dance like little ponies (dancing ponies).
Although you’ll notice that for all his clout, he couldn’t get them to be in the same room together at the same time. Only Edwards and Clinton were on-premises, and their appearances were separated by enough time for Clinton to track down her husband, yank him out of the womens’ dressing rooms, and be on her way before Edwards even got to the green room cookies. I imagine they passed one another awkwardly in the hall and shared a look as if to say “Jesus, we’re really doing this.”
I don’t know what to think of this phenomenon. On the one hand, the utter transparency of the candidates’ grab at a voting segment makes accusations of pandering almost passé. On the other hand, imagine if this had been going on for years. We could be watching old episodes of Seinfeld right now that guest star Ross Perot as their “wacky landlord.”
Has Stephen Colbert become too powerful? Will he use this power for good, or evil? Or, more likely, just dick around with it and get bridges named after him? Do we like this?
When not blogging for Cracked, Michael writes spec scripts of The Gilmore Girls featuring John Kerry as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren’t Muskets!
Last 5 posts by Michael Swaim
- 2012 ... The Realistic Edition - January 7th, 2009
- The 8 Most Misguided Sci-Fi Versions Of 2008 - December 29th, 2008
- The 8 Best Internet Sketch Troupes Whose Initials Aren't TAM - December 15th, 2008
- The First 100 Days ... After: A Primer for George W. Bush - December 11th, 2008
- How Can We Be In A Recession If We've Got So Much Money? - December 10th, 2008
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April 20th, 2008 at 8:34 am
Congrats Glendoor42, only people from Alabama get that kinda fame really.
This post was great, mainly because you know what? Politics should be crazy and side show like, i want my people to throw Mexican midgets off stage to show what they think of illegals, or have more pyrotechnics then a Kiss concert. I want my politics wacky, and Colbert is making almost seem like that.
April 19th, 2008 at 2:02 pm
The key to getting noticed is to appear on shows people actually watch.
April 19th, 2008 at 12:24 pm
@ Nadia Uh yeah I’ll have a hotdog with you, sure I just need to wait until kingmonkey +1
kidnaps Mrs.glendoor42 back to Casnadia.
@ MichAEl Swaim sorry I spelled your name wrong, really,I had originally spelled it Miguel Spam, then thought “no that was nice of him so I’ll spell it right”, and I still fucked it up , sorry.
April 18th, 2008 at 11:29 pm
No stranger’s ever offered me a hotdog *sobs*
April 18th, 2008 at 9:55 pm
Glendoor42, will you have a hot dog with me? Oh and Michael Swaim did good too.
April 18th, 2008 at 8:47 pm
Well, holy fuck, I can’t believe I missed that, considering I sport 42 around that is just sorry
on my part. A big whole and hearty thank you to Micheal Swaim for that.
April 18th, 2008 at 7:33 pm
Wow glendoor, not only were you mentioned in a cracked blog, you were mentioned in a Hitchhikers Guide reference in a cracked blog. Nice.
April 18th, 2008 at 6:16 pm
we like this. we like this very much. If colbert can get a congressman to talk about how much he likes hookers and coke (Robert Wexler) then the world is a better place.
April 18th, 2008 at 4:53 pm
Muskets should have won. I’m gonna cut myself. Shut up sketchies I hate you!
April 18th, 2008 at 3:44 pm
Katcheshire, thank you for your support, although we are grudging fans of the top two groups (we got fourth, for the record). The real killer to us was the third place entry, Unfamous…which, you should watch (but you shouldn’t actually…but you kind of have to).
April 18th, 2008 at 3:33 pm
Politicians going on TV shows like Royal Canadian Air Farce and This Hour Has 22 Minutes and trying to be funny has been happening for a while in Canada.
April 18th, 2008 at 3:04 pm
I’d just like to point out that I’m completely against politics/voting/the world after the results came in this morning for the Sketchies. Those Aren’t Muskets should have won. Mutton chops are far superior to Sherlock Holmes-inspired robots.
April 18th, 2008 at 2:51 pm
you guys actually make me laugh. it’s unbelievable. Colbert is doing what I wish I could do, which is make politicians demean themselves so I and my teeming millions will consider them “human”…until we completely crush them after they don’t dance all the steps to the Electric Slide.
And crap, what’s wrong with getting all our news on a cable comedy show? At least it’s presented in palatable form, I get to laugh and don’t have to cry over today’s “dead baby in a bag” or anything like that.
April 18th, 2008 at 2:49 pm
Thanks Luftwaffe, really thank you. As far as spending to much time on the internet, I’m retired and I don’t know what job kingmonkey +1 has that lets him fuck off at work so much. I think he works at the Casnadian Govt Division of Maple Syrup and Moose Feces Imports. Though I am thankful that he gets Mrs.glendoor42 out of the house occasionally.
April 18th, 2008 at 2:45 pm
Ahhh. Even if he is a racist, it’s probably wise to keep them away from Swaim.
April 18th, 2008 at 2:40 pm
Of course you got mentioned, Glendoor. You and Kingmonkey are legends on Cracked. We all laugh at your comments as much as we do the blog posts. Does that mean you spend too much time on the Internet? Possibly. Does it mean something that you are that devoted to a site that wasn’t even nominated for a Webby? I like to think so.
April 18th, 2008 at 2:39 pm
@ lbh Thanks, no they don’t look like Swaim , they’re black.
April 18th, 2008 at 2:37 pm
@ JT yeah but Swaim pays me money for that, so that’s different.
April 18th, 2008 at 2:37 pm
@glendoor42: Congratulations on your newfound notoriety! You’ve made us all proud. Congrat’s on the new litter of pups too. They don’t look like Swaim do they?
April 18th, 2008 at 2:32 pm
“The Colbert Report is where most Americans get their news these days…” ???
I get all MY news from Cracked.com. How else would I know who was a douchebag this week?
I think Colbert is brilliant. I watch his show every night and the one time I fall asleep before eleven and miss his show, it’s featured on this blog.
If he can get politians to dance like ponies then more power to him. All we can do is enjoy it while it lasts and hope that who ever gets elected president, once in office, doesn’t decide to do what-ever-the-fuck they want. Like say…lie to congress, obstruct justice, ignore the Geneva Convention, use the constitution for toilet paper, etc…. I suppose, then, the joke would be on us.
April 18th, 2008 at 2:31 pm
I hear you’re mentioned quite alot in Swaim’s amature erotic novels, Glendoor. I heard it was STIFF competition and you BEAT OFF a few diffrent challengers. but ultimately you CAME out on top as the main character.
April 18th, 2008 at 1:59 pm
This infotainment thing as a major source of information isn’t all that new. During the 2004 election, a Pew poll showed that roughly an equal number of young voters (about 20% each) got their campaign news from the Daily show as they did from mainstream news sources. Before that, young and poorly-informed figured out who their candidates were through the impressions of late-nite comedians and SNL. Even in 1992, Clinton shot out of dark horse status by playing the sax on Arsenio Hall. In 2000, it got to the point where Gore was actually watching the Daryl Hammond impression of Gore to learn how to be more likable to the voters. He would purposely whip out phrases like “lockbox” for a quick chuckle during stump speeches.
So maybe the trend has just solidified to a permanent fixture in politics, but I think Colbert is just the momentary figurehead. The trend, however, is here to stay.
April 18th, 2008 at 1:52 pm
See, that’s why Casnadian politicians are more respectable (debatably, and marginally). They have the sense of self-preservation to keep them from even trying to be funny.
Well, Jean Charest did appear on Just for Laughs to wreak havoc with a Lucien Bouchard impersonator… Stockwell Day did that jet-ski appearance… and Lucien Bouchard lost his leg to flesh-eating disease to make people laugh. You know, I guess Casnadian politicos can be funny, too.
Also, Swaim, so help me- if I ever find out you had anything to do with the Gilmore Girls, I will hunt you down and force you to watch that show A Clockwork Orange-style.
April 18th, 2008 at 1:49 pm
I have been mentioned in a Cracked blog. My life is now complete, seriously.