The Craziest Karate Robot Motorcycle Movie Ever Made

#3. The Sex Scene

So just how do a man and a cyborg make love? I'm glad you asked, Cracked Dot Com reader. I am glad you asked.

#2. Which Has Consequences

Not two minutes after Daimon and Miss Borg are finished consummating their relationship, her stomach starts glowing, which I think we all recognize as a sure sign of half-robot pregnancy. Unfortunately, there's a battle not long after where Daimon is forced to choose between love and justice, causing Zaborgar to gain sentience and self-destruct while bear-hugging Miss Borg.

Fortunately, her cyborg uterus has an emergency eject system, and it ends up flying out of her with two half-cyborg (quarter-robot?) fetuses that are then abducted and raised by Sigma.

Life finds a way.

And we know this because ...

#1. Oh Yeah, There's a 25-Year Time Jump Halfway Through the Movie in Which the Main Character Is Suddenly Replaced by an Older Actor

He still wears the same jeans, though.


Remember how the 1966 Batman show was always a two-parter with a cliffhanger at the end? A lot of tokusatsu shows follow that same model, so Karate-Robo Zaborgar is actually structured as two hour-long "episodes" with a break in the middle, which means that everything I just wrote about happens in the first half. The second is somehow even crazier, with the older, doughier version of Daimon, who's developed diabetes and has been working as an errand boy ever since his robot pal got destroyed, living in a world where he completely fucked up and failed to stop the bad guy. People have been getting straight up tractor beamed by a floating butt castle for 25 years, and the cowardly government official that he karate chopped in the head for feeding his girlfriend to BULLDOG CAR ROBOT's woodchipper mouth is now the prime minister. Now Daimon has to return to action and stop them both from destroying Tokyo with their (apparently very long-term) villainous plot.

Even longer for BULLDOG CAR ROBOT, since it's going by BULLDOG CAR ROBOT years.

You guys.

This movie is its own The Dark Knight Returns.

If, you know, The Dark Knight Returns built to a climax where a father had a karate battle to the death with his robot son while riding sentient dirt bikes on the body of his Godzilla-size schoolgirl robot daughter. You win again, Japan. You win again.

Your move, Warner Bros.

Recommended For Your Pleasure

Chris Sims

  • Rss

More by Chris Sims:

See More
To turn on reply notifications, click here


The Cracked Podcast

Choosing to "Like" Cracked has no side effects, so what's the worst that could happen?

The Weekly Hit List

Sit back... Relax... We'll do all the work.
Get a weekly update on the best at Cracked. Subscribe now!