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The Adventures of Dick Earthquake, Jedi Shithead

Step 4: Get Really High AND Run Away

As the omniscient narrator of this story -- by the way, I look exactly like Yoda, except I'm as tall as Shaq -- I could furnish you with a 40-paragraph explanation of what unfolded next. But for the sake of brevity, I've condensed the rest of this thrilling clash into eight easy-to-read bullet points. As a consolation prize, I will share with you the knowledge that Lucasfilm once commissioned an erotic portrait of the blue tentacle Jedi from Attack of the Clones with her front porch hanging out.

Wookieepedia (NSFW)
Actual words from the Star Wars Wiki's topic page on "Breast" (NSFW): "Breast size is only ambiguously canonical, as characters that appear in both comics and movies typically have smaller breasts in the movies, whose canonicity overrides that of the comics."

So here's what happened (Malak is forlornly chasing Dick this entire time):

#1. Dick Earthquake flees into a corner and shoots up a handful of space opera drugs.

#2. Dick capers around, Force-choking the shit outta Malak's Dead Jedi batteries.

#3. Your narrator pauses the game to find music befitting this contest of champions. Fearing "Yakety Sax" will be too cliche, he chooses to loop the radio jingle for New York Auto Giant Dot Com, which is the most excruciating ad in the history of AM broadcasting.


Hey, it was either this or 1-877-Kars-For-Kids.

#4. Dick sprints up a ramp and does more drugs (because killing those dead guys wore him out).

#5. Malak -- who for an evil space wizard has a surprising amount of trouble running up ramps -- gets pegged by a few of Dick's Force Lightning bolts.

LucasArts/BioWare
Realizing he cannot defeat Malak using ramps alone, Dick resorts to the Rush planetarium show that lives in his wrist.

#6. Dick runs down the ramp as Malak discovers (and immediately forgets) the secret of ramps.

#7. Dick sheepishly jogs around in a circle to recharge his Force juice.

#8. Repeat #4 through #7 for 17 minutes.

Step 5: Savor Victory

LucasArts/BioWare

After 17 minutes of skedaddling up and down the ramp, Malak keeled over and died of a massive star-coronary. It was only now that Dick realized he was in outer space.

Perhaps Dick Earthquake saved the galaxy, maybe he saved a bowl of Grape Nuts, who the fuck cares. Dick needed an adult, but he had murdered the only one within eyeshot. Fearing too many answers, he injected an adrenal stim into his right haunch and let his mind wander. He thought about androids and boobplay, and all of his Midi-chlorians got erections.

io9
FINE


You can find Cyriaque Lamar on Twitter.

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