So you’re considering a lucrative, rewarding career in the exciting world of email spamming! Good for you! Being an email spammer can be a lot of fun, but it can also be a challenge. What nonexistent celebrity sex tapes should you offer fake links to, and how do you use those fake links to install malware on peoples’ computers? What types of products and services should you offer to people, and if they’re interested, what’s the easiest way to steal those peoples’ personal financial information?
You probably have a lot of questions, but as luck would have it, I just so happen to have some answers for you. With a little patience and some good ol’ fashioned elbow grease, you’ll be scamming senior citizens and mental defectives before you know it… and pulling down a seven-figure salary to boot! Let’s get started!
A is for Asshole
This is what you’ll immediately become when you start sending out email spam. You might volunteer at a soup kitchen and help old ladies cross the street on a regular basis, but the moment you start jamming inboxes all around the world with spam, as soon as that very first email goes out with the subject “BRITNEY PEES WITH PARIS HILTON’S DOG VIDEO,” guess what? Now you’re an asshole. Congratulations. Speaking of which…
B is for Britney Spears
People are looking for all kinds of things when they go to check their inboxes, but more often than not, most people are hoping to receive pictures and videos of Britney Spears engaging in some sort of sex act. If you want to be a successful email spammer, offer people access to these sorts of materials. Don’t worry about the fact that Britney’s fame has already collapsed on itself like a white-trash dwarf star made of fried chicken and hate, or the fact that nobody has really wanted to see Britney Spears naked for the better part of a decade now. Send everybody on Earth fake links to pictures and videos of Britney Spears naked anyway. We’ll all thank you for it later.
C is for C1alis
Millions of men are unable to achieve an erection without help from the pharmaceutical industry. Many of those men have email. Therefore, it’s probably a good idea to send out unsolicited Cialis offers to everyone on Earth. This is what we in the industry call “targeted marketing.” Unfortunately, many spam filters block out the word “Cialis,” depriving millions of desperate, flaccid men of easy access to unsolicited, bogus offers for the drug. Try changing the first “i” to a “1″ and see if that works. Don’t do it for yourself - do it for all the millions of boners out there that never had a chance.
D is for Delete
This is what I (the average email user) do to all the garbage that you (the average spammer) send me. Most people do the same thing (because most people are smart enough to know a rip-off when they see one), but there’s this one mouth-breather in Florida who keeps falling for it time and time again, making it profitable for you spammers to keep doing your thing. Keep taking his money until he doesn’t have any left, then mail him a handgun, a bullet, and a thank-you letter from Charles Darwin.
E is for EBay Passwords
There are an estimated 6.684 billion on this planet, but only about 15,000 of them work at eBay. Assume all of the rest of them know nothing about eBay’s password recovery options, and try to trick them into giving you their account information. Furthermore, assume they won’t think twice about the fact that no legitimate website on the entire internet would ever ask for your personal information via email. Why can you make this assumption? Skip to “H” to find out.
F is for Famous People
Now that I really think about it, when you’re offering people free naked pictures of celebrities, why stop at Britney Spears? Angelina Jolie, Jennifer Lopez, Paris Hilton; the public has an infinite appetite for fake links to naked pictures of famous people, so expand your horizons and cast as wide a net as possible.
G is for Giveaways
Everyone loves a good celebrity sex tape, but everyone knows they’re even better when they’re free. Don’t just offer us unsolicited hardcore pornography - offer us FREE unsolicited hardcore pornography. Then instead of actually giving us the porn, give us a link to some website that asks for our credit card numbers. Which reminds me…
H is for Human Beings Are Morons
If someone started an Email Spamming College, they would probably teach you this unfortunate but incontrovertible fact in Spam 101. This is the guiding principle of email spamming, and all the real-deal spammers have it tattooed in Latin on their chests. Not ALL human beings are morons, of course, but as long as there’s the Home Shopping Network, Truck Nuts, and people living in Florida, you better believe that spam will continue to be profitable.
I is for Insane Costs To Businesses
Smile! You’re costing businesses worldwide $100 billion this year!
J is for Junk Folder
If spamming was a hurdling race, then the Junk folder would be the hurdles you need to jump over. If spamming was a murder trial and you were the defendant, then the Junk folder would be the jury you’d need to convince of your innocence. If spamming was a labored metaphor, then the Junk folder would be very difficult to explain. Forget it - all you really need to know is that the Junk folder sucks.
K is for Killing An Alien
If you fired a gun in outer space, couldn’t it hypothetically keep going pretty much forever since there’s no atmosphere? And if the bullet could hypothetically keep going forever, isn’t there a pretty good chance that it would eventually hit an alien in the head? This doesn’t really have anything to do with email spam - just something I’ve been thinking about lately.
L is for Love
If you choose to become an email spammer, nobody will ever love you again. Nobody. Ever. Your family, your friends, even your pets will realize that you are a despicable human being and will want nothing to do with you. If you have a wife, she’ll leave you. If you have children and you try to pick them up, they’ll scream and bite you. Your pets will pee on all the nice things you bought with your dirty spam money. You’ll look at the stains and think to yourself, “If I didn’t know better, I’d swear that Formica was doing this on purpose,” but the truth is, you don’t know better. Formica is doing it on purpose. Then you’ll think to yourself, “Why did I name my dog Formica? That’s not even a name.”
M is for Millions Of Dollars
Play your cards right and you could end up a card-carrying member of the nouveau riche. Naturally, you’ll need to adjust your lifestyle accordingly. Pick out a massive McMansion in a satellite suburb, fill it with gaudy furniture and cold, hideous modern art, and find yourself a trophy wife with expensive habits and an icy stare. Fill your four-car garage with tasteless luxury cars and put an enormous, sexually explicit fountain on your front lawn. The neighbors might not appreciate it, but remember: You’re an email spammer now. That means that the neighbors, the welcoming committee, and whoever wrote the letter kindly requesting that you remove the sexually explicit fountain from your front lawn can all go fuck themselves.
N is for Nigerians
Would you believe me if I told you I had $50 million tied up in complicated Ivory Coast business transactions? What if I told you that I’d give you 10% of that $50 million if you let me transfer my money into your bank account? No? You wouldn’t believe me? Okay, fair enough. That’s probably because I’m not Nigerian.
O is for Outrage
When you attend social functions, people may ask what you do for a living. Saying “I’m an email spammer” probably won’t get the best response, so try to pad the blow if at all possible. Say “I’m in marketing” or “I work in digital media” and see how that goes, or maybe just say “I’m a walking pile of dog shit,” drop your pants, and sit down bare-assed in the punch bowl. You might as well - as an email spammer, nobody is expecting much better out of you.
P is for Pornography
Dramas and comedies are great and all, but when it comes to movies, studies have proven time and time again that 9 out of 10 people prefer the ones that show penises going in and out of vaginas. Give the people what they want.
Q is for “Quit It!”
A word to the wise: pretty much everyone hates spammers. As a result, there will always be people wishing you would “quit it.” (They might also say “knock it off” or “cut it out” or something like that.) These people are idiots with zero business sense who should be ignored at all costs. Remember: If you follow their advice, it won’t be long before you’re right back where you started, selling Cutco knives out of the trunk of your Ford Festiva and bathing in a gas station bathroom sink. Spamming isn’t a glamorous profession, but it beats bathing in a sink, doesn’t it?
R is for Ridiculously Low Prices
People love these, so don’t worry about making your offer sound even vaguely realistic. Remember: Whether it’s 500 DVDs, 500 Rolexes, or 500 diamond-encrusted diamonds, the price is always ONE PENNY.
S is for Stealthy
This is what you’ll need to be if you don’t want to get caught. You don’t want anything getting traced back to you, so it’s probably a good idea to take some measures to protect your identity. Wear a top hat and monocle when you’re out in the street so that nobody recognizes you, but change into a turban and sunglasses when you’re at home to throw “them” off. Track down Matthew Lesko and steal his suit. Remember: the goal is to blend in and not call too much attention to yourself. Also, avoid sending out spam from an email address that has your full name in it.
T is for Tits
Here’s a statistic: 20% of all email spam has at least one reference to tits in it somewhere. I just made that up, but it’s probably true, and if it’s not, it SHOULD be true, because let’s face it: People love tits.
U is for Unbelievably Large Penis
There’s no shortage of products that claim to increase the size of your penis, and there’s no reason not to offer all of them to your victim- err… clients. Pumps, creams, pills; no matter what it is, shove it in their faces and cross your fingers. Which reminds me…
V is for V1agra
When these guys (inevitably) purchase a variety of devices and ointments to increase their penis size, they’re probably going to need a little help raising the drawbridge. Why stop at C1alis? Offer everyone some V1agra, too. Oh, and while you’re at it, why not give “Breast 1mplants” a shot? You know - for the ladies. Once you’re operating under the assumption that everyone is unhappy with their genitalia, the rest is all simple math.
W is for Worldwide
People around the world are different. Some of them wear funny hats, some of them wear wooden shoes, and some of them put sheets over everything but their eyes. (They walk around like that!) Some people have slanty eyes, some people have flat, wide noses, and some people have red hair. (RED! WTF?!) But despite all of these trivial differences, it’s important to remember that we’re all just human beings being human. Who cares if someone looks a little different than you look? It’s not the color of a person’s skin that matters; it’s how much money they have in their bank account, and how easily you can trick them into giving it to you. Drop the racism, transcend nationalism, and try to steal from everyone.
X is for Xanax
If there’s one thing people like more than boner pills, it’s pills that make them really sleepy. Xanax, Soma, Percocet, Valium; people love all that stuff, but purchasing these products without a prescription can be difficult (if not impossible). As a result, more and more people in recent years have been turning to unsolicited, anonymous email offers that are jam-packed with typos and broken English. Why not help these unfortunate souls with their chronic anxiety? Think of it as a good deed… and then steal their credit card info and rob them blind.
Y is for Your Soul
This is what you give up when you choose a career in the spam industry, but think about it from a financial perspective: What is the monetary value of a soul? Last I checked it was ZERO DOLLARS.
Z is for Zebras
Give me a break - there’s nothing spam-related that starts with “Z.”
Last 5 posts by Ross Wolinsky
- The 5 Lamest Forwarded Emails (And Why Your Mom Loves Them) - November 19th, 2008
- The 5 Biggest News Stories You Missed During Election Season - November 6th, 2008
- "I Have Brain Cancer": 6 Amazing Non-Sex Scenes from Porn - October 21st, 2008
- 15 (Worthless) Things We Learned from the Town Hall Debate - October 8th, 2008
- Porn, Pizza and Awesome Roller Coasters: Vote Wolinsky In '08 - September 24th, 2008
November 11th, 2008 at 9:32 pm
That guy from florida you keep mentioning? Well he just moved here from California. And you are welcome to take him back.
October 25th, 2008 at 1:07 pm
Z is for Zero % financing
Z is for Zoo Sex
Z is for Zenith Tv for $1.00
Z is for Zatch (look it up)
Z is for http://phrontistery.info/z.html
September 21st, 2008 at 9:35 pm
That alien thing just blew my mind. I’m not even being sarcastic. It totally would make a great metaphor for spamming, though! See, the bullet is your spam, and space is the emails you’re sending it to. Eventually, it’ll hit an alien (i.e. someone stupid enough to fall for your scam). Since the bullet keeps going, and space is infinite, it’s bound to hit an alien eventually! It’s the principle of spamming!
September 16th, 2008 at 5:17 pm
uiegfa bmvxdoysz ewmry bcuxtqej huozjqet wlbsxzt oswzxp
August 31st, 2008 at 9:13 am
I’d actually make X for Xmas when you can rob blind ppl looking for cheap gifts
August 31st, 2008 at 7:00 am
Has anyone ever noticed the “The Voice of Outrage”
and “The Voice of Reason” have never been seen
together at the same time.
Sorta like Clark Kent and Superman,
except without the good looks and superpowers.
August 31st, 2008 at 6:55 am
Geez, I must’ve passed out. I gotta take a leak.
Hey!! WHAT the HELL!!!!
I AM NOT AN ANIMAL!! I AM A HUMAN BEING!!
August 31st, 2008 at 12:00 am
Ross that does disturb me, so you arent alone.
August 30th, 2008 at 10:26 pm
Get yer cock sucked dry by any local hoes at the Hoe and Bitch market.
August 30th, 2008 at 10:24 pm
That’s what I’m talking ’bout. Rip that mutha-fucka a new asshole while we’re at at.
I heard the best way to grow a larger penis is to eat the genitals of another male. Feast on that.
By the way Voice ‘a reason. I ain’t no miss. My father was a dick and gave me a girls name. He said my cock wasn’t long enough when I was born.
August 30th, 2008 at 5:58 pm
Miss Sally Pants
I have pummeled the uncircumsized voice of outrage,
gave him a circumsision, then made a wallet
from his foreskin. On the wallet it has the saying
“Ignorant Motherfucker!”
Ciao!
August 30th, 2008 at 12:24 pm
……….I may have realised that at least 5 minutes after posting.
August 30th, 2008 at 11:08 am
You have misjudged your colleagues, Ross.
August 30th, 2008 at 4:50 am
From my junk folder today:
“Oh dear, what is happening to our LiLo? Watch steamy videos of Lindsay humiliating herself at our site.”
Is anyone else disturbed by who the fuck would be turned on by that?
August 30th, 2008 at 12:19 am
Fuck, I can watch that in my backyard.
August 29th, 2008 at 10:59 pm
Watch new hot vids of dogs eating feces.
August 29th, 2008 at 10:55 pm
Hey, Voice of Outrage, some pretty gruesome things like that happen to people every day. I will beat you with my throbbing, enlarged and bleeding penis. See how ya like that, biscuit.
And yes, MacHaggis, that was me. I hope you had as much as an enjoyable night as I did. However the morning after was not so great.
Please buy my product. This incredible free offer is at an all new low price of 19.95$US plus shipping and handling. Please call now!!1!
August 29th, 2008 at 5:19 pm
I was just amused by her spinning nipples is all. By the way I only ever wear the silver pig mask for special occasions.
August 29th, 2008 at 4:47 pm
Yeah I know she does and they do, I saw the film of you two doing her.
August 29th, 2008 at 3:53 pm
Apparently they spin like compass points.
August 29th, 2008 at 3:25 pm
That’s total bullshit. Paris Hilton does have inverted nipples.
August 29th, 2008 at 12:47 pm
My best spam title was
“Paris Hilton denies having inverted nipples!”
Got that in the shared mailbox at work too
August 29th, 2008 at 11:02 am
Order my new book “Foreskins They Don’t Want You to Know About!”
Read About:
“Did you know that the government is behind the plot to corner the lucrative foreskin market?
Are you aware that foreskins sell for $1000 an ounce?
Did you know that foreskins are a “natural cure” for halitosis, anal leakage, and an antidote for monkey bites?
Are you aware that I am a convicted rat bastard?
August 29th, 2008 at 10:56 am
Act Now on this limited one-time offer for Foreskin Reconstruction Surgery!
We guarnantee that our practicing veternairans are licesenced in 10 of the 50 states!
Call now and we will throw in for free our homepathic anesthetic!
1-800-DICK FIX
August 29th, 2008 at 10:51 am
“your foreskin will be torn apart”
Sally Pants: What kind of on uncivilized freaks do you think we are?
August 29th, 2008 at 7:26 am
sorry, that was clearly ment to hodudududuh
I suck even more
August 29th, 2008 at 7:24 am
“To test out your alien theory, you’d first have to find a gun that can actually be fired in space - the operative word there being “fire”, which you can’t have without oxygen.”
sorry, kingmonkey… You could fire a gun in space because explosives don’t require oxygen to work. They have all the necessary ingredients in their molecular structure. Therefore you can fire a gun underwater aswell. Also, firing a gun in space would produce muzzle flash (like fire, dude) from combustion gases. No bang though. The muzzle velocity would be greater than in athmospheric conditions.
I have no life!
August 28th, 2008 at 11:07 pm
Sally Pants, do we know each other? Because that sounds just like what happened to me the last time I did too many tequila shooters.
August 28th, 2008 at 10:39 pm
Yes. Yes. Thank you very very much for responding to our incredible offer.
We just need some more information to begin. Please send us your credit card number, social security card, address and DOB so we can process your free trial offer of Throbbing Elephant Enhancement.
It is bound to pleasure your woman for endless hours and tear her vagina to pieces.
Warning: The veins in your penis may pop and your foreskin will be torn apart. But other than that it will the most pleasurable night of your life. Other side effects may occur such as serious heart failure, stroke (of the brain and the penis), as well as sudden outbursts of maddening uncontrollable urge to rape.
August 28th, 2008 at 8:03 pm
Glendoor, that was the funniest post I’ve seen from you in a while. Well done.
And I don’t give a damn if she’s got a few stretch marks and makes Kid Rock look like a suburban elitist; I’d still fuck Britney like a homeless runaway.
August 28th, 2008 at 6:19 pm
OMG! I want a penis the size of an elephant’s and the throbbing sounds like a welcome side effect. Can you send me the link so I can get that amazing offer?
August 28th, 2008 at 5:35 pm
Glendoor, that was the funniest sodding T-Shirt Slogan. If Snorg doesn’t go for it, try T-Shirt Hell. Make some cash on that shit. I laughed for a good two to three minutes. It’s been a strange and frustrating week, and that made my entire fucking day.
August 28th, 2008 at 4:43 pm
@ Kat: Lack of sleep does wonders to your mind. Yikes. Sometimes I think my mind has been infected by malware.
@ Metalbrainsurgery: Thanks for resurrecting the corpse-like nightmare of the pain Olympics. One of my very sadistic friends was showing that to people. I happened to look, and I could only huddle in a corner with a flamethrower and a pack of stale, expired Marlboro Reds, whimpering.
(The Reds were to throw at anyone who came close.)
August 28th, 2008 at 4:16 pm
“There I was walking the earth like Cain from Kung Fu minding my own business. I go to the public library to check my e-mail to keep in touch with my Peeps, and wouldn’t you know it, I got 10,000 Motherfucking e-mails about how to have a hugh penis!!!
These Motherfucking tricks need to see my wallet. On one side it says “Bad Motherfucker,” and on the other side it says “This Motherfucker has a HUGE PENIS!”
Now I walk the earth with my satelite linked laptop connected to the internet to hunt these Mother Fuckers down!
August 28th, 2008 at 3:36 pm
Placenta Mayday is definitely a tweepop/cuddlecore duo with european dance house sensibilities.
That or…you know…freaky indy screamo, touring with Lightening Bolt/Hella and the locust.
August 28th, 2008 at 3:03 pm
I’m stealing “Z is for Xanax” for a hardcore band certainly.
August 28th, 2008 at 1:59 pm
glenmoor42, gnu powder is the rare, secret ingredient used by Congonese arms manufacturers. It gives bullets the power to kill white people, but leave Africans unharmed. It’s standard issue to most African armies.
MBS, Placenta Mayday sounds like some kind of freaky indy screamo, to me.
August 28th, 2008 at 12:06 pm
Ever wanted a penis the size of an elephants. Sign up now for a free trial. Your penis will throb with pleasure for hours.
August 28th, 2008 at 12:01 pm
Z is for Xanax.
August 28th, 2008 at 11:44 am
Louie what kind of music will “Placenta Mayday” be? Hopefully a light airy poppy band or an extremely brutal death metal band would be great.
August 28th, 2008 at 10:30 am
Reba, do you mind if I start a band called “Placenta Mayday”?
And king monkey, do you mind if we call our first album, “Make Bigger Your Gizmo”?
August 28th, 2008 at 9:53 am
gnu powder? well just how fine do you have to grind the gnus?
I have a shirt from the foreskin museum. It says “somebody I know went to the Foreskin Museum and all I got was this lousy turtleneck”.
August 28th, 2008 at 9:28 am
Guys like big thick ice cream, too!
hodudududuh Says:
August 27th, 2008 at 9:07 pm
To test out your alien theory, you’d first have to find a gun that can actually be fired in space - the operative word there being “fire”, which you can’t have without oxygen.
Also I once got a spam message entitled, “Britney Spears Gives Foreskin Museum Amazing Gift”. No, really. I couldn’t make that shit up.
So, we’ll substitute a rail gun for a gnupowder-based weapon.
Also, I’ve been to the Foreskin Museum. It’s not so great.
August 28th, 2008 at 8:08 am
I received one this morning that said, ‘women like big thick ice cream’.
Not sure where to go with that.
August 28th, 2008 at 7:00 am
I think you’re just pissed that the link you clicked didn’t have brittany spears naked in it. Phear not, good sir, I have the link to Br1tt4ny Spears naked eating xanax. I got it from a Nigerian.
August 28th, 2008 at 1:53 am
I totally think that “Killing an Alien” is relevant to this rant - You see, sending out spam is like sending out a speeding bullet into space. That spam just keeps going and going, probing the spam-filters and probing the minds of recipients until finally - WHAM, some dumbass is hit in the face! All it takes is time… Statistics dictate the outcome. And with a “People are morons” doctrine on your side, you really can’t miss?
On a side note, sentencing spammers to filtering spam is an awesome idea. So is punishing people who fall for scams. But mostly they get their share anyway. I remember the news about that guy who claimed the “lottery win” and paid some 20000$ “taxes” to receive it. Well, hes out 20K and probably has no friends left (specially if he borrowed some money from them) Maybe he is actually losing a digit daily to loan-sharks? Should I feel sorry for him?? I think not…
August 27th, 2008 at 10:40 pm
@res_ipsa: wtf??!
Also, I would like to say, sadly, I was a telemarketer (which can some would say are more evil then spammers).. I started out calling people when they first got in the door, but then it grew much darker. I was calling EVERYONE at dinner time, I was out of control! I cut the junk after a year, only regret is that I didn’t end it sooner. I hurt a lot of people, and my family now looks at me funny, like I’m about to force them into a ninety minute seminar to recieve a no-strings-attached “free” vacation while they hear about the exclusive time share options!! Oh, god, I did it again! I’m a monster!!
August 27th, 2008 at 10:16 pm
send him the link to goatse, meatspin, the pain Olympics, and the poo button. He’ll click one or another. And maybe learn a valuable lesson. The lesson being that if you didn’t loose your soul completely when you started spamming that someone will send a reply that will fucking reach through the screen and rape whats left of it.
August 27th, 2008 at 9:42 pm
I got a spam today from a Marine in Iraq wanting to transfer 10 million dollars to the states. Now I’m all for supporting our troops, but something tells me that any member of the Armed Forces that has access to 10 million is probably going to be a wanted war criminal at some point. My theory is that Al Qada is recruiting Nigerians to fundraise for them.
August 27th, 2008 at 9:11 pm
“reconstruct yourr man t1ssue”
“Fwd: ideal honeys play with themselvesserpigo”
“amteurr redheads sux on lawyers”
come on, who can beat those?
August 27th, 2008 at 9:07 pm
To test out your alien theory, you’d first have to find a gun that can actually be fired in space - the operative word there being “fire”, which you can’t have without oxygen.
Also I once got a spam message entitled, “Britney Spears Gives Foreskin Museum Amazing Gift”. No, really. I couldn’t make that shit up.
August 27th, 2008 at 8:28 pm
You know, there are contests for writing fake Faulkner and fake Hemingway. Let’s have a contest for writing the best fake spam, then notifiy the winner that s/he has won and tell him/her that we’ll pay out the prize money to whatever bank account s/he give us access to. Besides taking all their money, we can publish the results of the contest and build the market. Think of the reliablification!
August 27th, 2008 at 5:35 pm
“Count Baqula–the real question is whether we should force spammers and the creators of bots to fight in a death match. And then shoot the winner.
I think the answer is clearly yes.”
Shoot them? That’s not nearly creative enough, methinks.
August 27th, 2008 at 5:28 pm
MacHaggis: I had no idea that Ian Fortey ever worked as a Cutco salesman. I actually interviewed for a Cutco job when I was in HS, got to the point where they told me I had the goods and really wanted me to be a “Cutco Representative,” then found out I had to buy my own set of knives to do the demos and was like, “Oh, I get it - it’s a scam. Later.”
Cesar: Did you know your boy, Pimp C, died from an overdose of purple drank? If you thought I was trying to make fun of him, rest assured that his death does a better job of it than I could ever possibly hope to. Besides, I found his picture accidentally by doing a Google Image search for “rich pimp.” I’m sure wherever he is, he’d be happy to know that his picture comes up second for that.
August 27th, 2008 at 5:25 pm
wait is samm with 2 Ems? have i become a spammer nooo daaamn uuuu
August 27th, 2008 at 5:24 pm
Metalbrainsurgery that was classic, i have officialy added that to my to do list next time i get a 419 scamm i am traumatizing the fuck out of them
August 27th, 2008 at 5:12 pm
Was the Cutco comment a dig at Ian Fortey? That crazy Canuck has had a shitload of dead-end jobs. Though if he ever was an email spammer, I’m unaware of it. If he is, we’ll have to burn Scenic Anemia to the ground. After they get finished rebuilding it that is.
August 27th, 2008 at 4:33 pm
I think the issue of spamming is creating a ripple effect on this nations economy.
From the fraudulent practices of scammers with their dubious offer of millions, to the ingenious fake web sites established by nefarious criminals “fishing” for personal data.
Each of these e mails effects our wallet and has a culmulative effect on an economy that is already staggering like a drunk frat boy.
By the way, I am not wearing any pants, and in fact I do have a HUGE penis!
August 27th, 2008 at 4:13 pm
Thanks for the lecture on my posting about Kenny Rogers.
You must have infinite knowledge to know that “there
is no excuse you could ever come up with that would justify that.”
I agree many people might night find it funny.
It’s just a joke and humor is subjective,, dumbass!
So you are in favor of censorship on this board?
To paraphrase a quote from one of my favorite movies:
“Go get your shinebox!”
August 27th, 2008 at 3:51 pm
A VERY VERY DRUNKEN KENNY ROGERS:
Please tell me you didn’t construct an entire profile for a one-time joke (that isn’t in the least bit funny, and betrays your 10-year-old mentality) for an article that has entirely nothing to do with said “joke.” There is no excuse you could ever come up with that would justify that.
August 27th, 2008 at 3:37 pm
i love this website, and i found this hilarious, but couldn’t you find a different picture for M. The man in that picture, a rapper named Pimp C, is dead. i just feel another picture could have worked just as well, if not better, than a man who died within the last year.
August 27th, 2008 at 3:33 pm
Jenntropy, Pretty Girl Ass Attack is awesome. I recommend you try it.
August 27th, 2008 at 3:07 pm
I just went and read my spam folder. I had spam advertising anonymous she-male sex. How very terrifying. You know what tho, I got a 419 scam and I sent the guy the goatse pic back.
August 27th, 2008 at 2:59 pm
I’m going to use the $10,000,000 I get from the uncle I never heard of that died in Nigeria to get my Penis enlarged and show it to girls I meet on the net with my web cam!
August 27th, 2008 at 2:55 pm
“Yooooo got to knooo whhenn to hoooold em, knooo wheeen toooo fold them (Sounding of intense vomiting) Knooow when to walk away,” (to drifter walking away) Hey where you going? I aint finished! I’m Kenny Rogers dammit!!
August 27th, 2008 at 2:41 pm
I agree with Gamble, always hated ET and always will…I don’t like Reese’s Pieces either
August 27th, 2008 at 2:27 pm
“K is for Killing An Alien”
lol, I have always hated ET, I don’t understand why people like him so much.
August 27th, 2008 at 2:21 pm
But the bullet would probably be pulled into a planet or a star or something long before it hit an alien!
Unless it’s trajectory was affected but not broken by gravity! Then it would roam around space with a slingshot-effect, until it eventually eradicates all life! OH MY GOD! STOP THOSE ASTRONAUTS! NOW!
August 27th, 2008 at 2:16 pm
Damn you cracked…damn you straight to the pus spewing bowels of spammer hell…
August 27th, 2008 at 2:01 pm
The worldwide section was great. Hilarity ensued and I died laughing.
August 27th, 2008 at 1:50 pm
just in today:
You have won £900,000GBP
Contact Mr.Alan for the claim of £900,000 pounds which you have won in UK NATIONAL LOTTERY. Send: mralangrant_claims@live.com
should I reply? I mean, I never signed upu for a UK Lottery, But I dont want to miss out on £900,000GBP!
August 27th, 2008 at 1:44 pm
My favorite spam title was “PRETTY GIRL ASS ATTACK!”
I was sold.
August 27th, 2008 at 1:37 pm
You know those automatic quarintine programs that company servers have, but they have to be gone through to make sure no legit mail was caught there? They should all get filtered into one giant system and convicted spammers should have to wade through them to find the maybe 1 in 5000 real e-mails that get caught there.
August 27th, 2008 at 1:22 pm
Hello,
I have a transaction of mutual benefits,which I like to share with
you.It involves an amount of Twelve Million United State Dollars only,in
a
Bank, which
I like to acquire with
your help and you will be compensated adequately as your commission.
If you are interested please reply instantly with your contact
information and forward your telephone number so we may discuss and I
shall provide you with the details of this transaction.
If interested send your response to my email listed below
Email=janet.luci@gmail.com
Name=Janet Luci
Thank you.
Yours sincerely,
August 27th, 2008 at 12:54 pm
I once got spam titled “MutantSizedPenis”
You know me, I had to find out more. It turns out they mean mutant as in “Giant rhino cock rip her ass wide open.”
Ladies, does that sound awesome or what?
August 27th, 2008 at 12:46 pm
I think being caught as an e-mail spammer should be punishable by death, or sentenced to picking up trash for 20 years.
August 27th, 2008 at 12:17 pm
I have a hunch that the people who purchase stuff from spammers aren’t misinformed retirees–seriously how retarded do you have to be to purchase prescription medication from someone who apparently thinks the letter between ‘u’ and ‘w’ is ‘\ /’?
No I suspect (slash fear) that most products sold by spam come from people who seek it out knowing it’s illegitimate (and maybe illegal) but for whatever reason (their doctor doesn’t care enough about their dick?) (’their’ being the spammee that is, not the doctor) do it anyway because they’re willing to take the risk.
In which case, fuck ‘em. If you know someone who’s bought anything from a spammer (hell, maybe even late-night infomercials, too) the answer is very simple: one round to the back of the head.
Do it for our children.
August 27th, 2008 at 11:50 am
We get the same fake news headline scam over in Mexico, but with local celebrities supposedly getting kidnapped. Comedic genius lacking on the latin version, I’m afraid to say, since I would most definitely have followed the link to the Missing Obese Malodorous Boy.
August 27th, 2008 at 11:46 am
@Al-Literati-on: that spammer must have gotten fired by now. Spam email titles aren’t supposed to make any sense (let alone have such correct spelling)…what an incompetent bastard. The “Britney tried to drain my scrotum” was my personal favourite!
August 27th, 2008 at 11:42 am
This inspiration for this article was a series of fake news headlines I got in my spam folder including the following:
- msnbc.com - BREAKING NEWS: Damien Hirst pickles business manager
- msnbc.com - BREAKING NEWS: Iran Kicks America In The Nuts
- msnbc.com - BREAKING NEWS: McCain A ‘GPS Black Hole’ Say Scientists
- msnbc.com - BREAKING NEWS: Obese, Malodorous Boy Missing
Apparently I’m not the only one who’s been getting them.
I feel very conflicted about it - they might be spam, but they’re also completely fucking hilarious. My guess is they’re being sent out by former comedy writers who figured out they could actually make a decent living wage by becoming spammers.
August 27th, 2008 at 11:39 am
Hey, nothing like putting in that good hard grunt work, kudos Mr Rogers.
August 27th, 2008 at 11:36 am
Fucking drifters in the ass is what baby Krishna would do, until he was raped by the Buddha.
We celebrate this every July 5th in the “Assfuckhole Feast of the Miraculous Lego Toy.”
August 27th, 2008 at 11:15 am
I use “good old fashioned elbow grease” to fuck drifters in the ass!
August 27th, 2008 at 11:02 am
Thanks for clearing that up Ross, I have no idea about JT’s upbringing, I just hate his music, and the way he prances around. And that stupid look on his face. And his character in the Love Guru.
August 27th, 2008 at 10:59 am
Lose weight now - Ask me how!
August 27th, 2008 at 10:59 am
“# Starbite Says:
August 27th, 2008 at 9:59 am
They sold him to Jesus?”
In the same way Britney being a mousketeer as a kid shapes her, Timberlake being a church kid shapes who he is, so yes, they sold him to Jesus the same way they sold Britney to Disney.
Does the giant bicep tattoo of Mary not give it away?
I do admit that did deserve some explanation and without it it looked like a headline from one of those supermarket tabloids. I apologise.
August 27th, 2008 at 10:37 am
I think spamming is way too complicated. I just report them. and sometimes i report legitmate emails as spam too, just to be a dick. But what you’re really saying here is that people are unhappy unless they’re drugged or thinking about genitals? You totally forgot weight loss though.
August 27th, 2008 at 10:29 am
Count Baqula–the real question is whether we should force spammers and the creators of bots to fight in a death match. And then shoot the winner.
I think the answer is clearly yes.
August 27th, 2008 at 10:27 am
My favorite spam is the spam that has the title “[my e-mail name here] you are moron” and then proceeds to quote . . . wait for it . . . passages from the Lord of the Rings in an oddly stilted and abrupt manner. Sometimes there’s not even an attachment or link in the e-mail. It makes me very, very confused.
(Sample passage: “r .You are not fit for such a journey,. said Aragorn. .But do not be ashamed. If you do no more in this war, you have already earned great honour. Peregrin shall go and represent the Shirefolk; and do not grudge him his chance of peril, for though he has done as well as his fortune allowed him, he has yet to match your deed. But in truth all now are in like danger. Though it may be our part to find bitter end before the Gate of Mordor, if we do so, then you will come also to a last stand, either here or wherever the black tide overtakes you. Farewell!.
.It.s an ill wind as blows nobody no good, as I always say. And All.s well as ends Better!. .What.s the matter, Mr. Frodo?. said Sam.”)
I think we should bring back the punishment of drawing and quartering for these grizzlyfuckers.
August 27th, 2008 at 10:11 am
And then I opened up my Gmail and found these gems [I swear I made none of these up]:
“Paris Hilton’s vagina bites mailman!”
“Paris Hilton tosses dwarf on the street ”
“Paris Hilton asks: Has anyone seen Mike Hunt?”
“Britney Spears’ vagina attacks warder and escapes rehab”
“”Britney tried to drain my scrotum”: Bush”
“Bald Britney Spears Says Shaved Head Goes Well With Shaved Vagina”
“Paris Hilton Lectures on Dickens and Dostoevsky”
“Britney Spears’ New Hair Extensions Are Lindsay Lohan’s Pubes”
And my personal favourite: “Britney Spears Is Actually A Piece Of Broccoli”.
August 27th, 2008 at 10:06 am
It’s one thing to get spam that solicits your attention in the hope you’ll buy something; most of the spam I get just seems to be randomised combos of words and excerpts of books strung together with no link or obvious point at all.
Couple of random titles I pulled out of my spam folder:
“How good is that kittyj under that small skirt? chances himself bank mother murder which tank sharapova johnson”
“Shemale Motion picture - Swallows hard cock S-EX_UA LY E X_PL l C It qaeda student message hilton vote din8kWKRV-alOilnJAQS5g”
“Babes Picture ; Awsome brunette babe wSexjly_zexplpcir P-mPKN4xc-CHnHyXyppt-g”
“Darky choco nipps lookingp for somep of yourp cream! became following attention single week singh fans moved change”
What I find most amusing is the way spammers try to get past the spam filters by misspelling words.
August 27th, 2008 at 9:59 am
They sold him to Jesus?
August 27th, 2008 at 9:48 am
They sold him to Jesus, not Mickey Mouse.
August 27th, 2008 at 9:48 am
Favourite spam subject ever: “Drill her like an oilwell”
August 27th, 2008 at 9:47 am
Timberlake turned out ok? HAhahaha good one! I like your humour.
I would love to stab him. Seriously.
August 27th, 2008 at 9:40 am
Anyone interested in getting some payback should check out http://www.419eater.com . It’s a community of people that do nothing but fuck with Nigerian email scammers.
August 27th, 2008 at 9:37 am
But Mickey Mouse is Magic…
Timberlake turned out OK.
August 27th, 2008 at 9:34 am
First of all please do not think I’m defending Britney Spears, but if your mother sold you to the highest bidder (Mickey Mouse) when you were a child, you’d be doomed for the shit she is doing as well.
Asshole parents.
Aside from that this article was great, jam-packed with sarcasm, just like I like it.
August 27th, 2008 at 9:30 am
I keep getting emails to help Katina victims….you’d think they would at least learn to spell Katrina…I bet there are still a lot of people that open it…
August 27th, 2008 at 9:27 am
We should have the two fight to the death in order to find out.
The rule shall be whoever was henious and evil enough to kill the other is pretty much the most soulless, and they’ll be destroyed too.
Everyone wins!
August 27th, 2008 at 9:10 am
Well you covered spammers
what about bots
bots for fat dating sites.
THere are like 40 in each comments section I look at here.
The question is, which is more evil?
August 27th, 2008 at 9:04 am
My famorite spam message was entitled “placenta mayday.” I saved the message, but I’ll never open it to read its contents. I’m too terrified of what it may contain.
August 27th, 2008 at 8:53 am
I don’t remember the exact title of my fave spam that I’ve ever received but it was pretty much talking about how awesome it would be if your penis was so huge your girlfriend cried from pain while you were doing it…. Sickos.
August 27th, 2008 at 8:51 am
My favourite spam title I ever received was “Make bigger your gizmo!”
August 27th, 2008 at 8:50 am
Now I’m regretting that I emptied my spam folder before reading this because it would have been nice to compare what you’ve advised with real live spammers. Don’t worry though, I’ll have at least 25 emails telling me about way to enlarge my pen1s or get other sex related pills by this time tomorrow (fucking suckers, I don’t even have a penis!) and that’s not even counting the nude celebrity photos/videos they keep offering me… I knew I never should have given Gladstone my email address!
Your email really does make me wonder how people live with themselves making money off the elderly or less computer literate in this way. Assholes.
Oh and Kingmonkey, you can’t be the karaoke master because I am. I totally have a trophy and everything. O_O Oh and did you give Wolinsky the password too? That’s probably the problem, you can’t make deposits without your internet password and security word, stupid!
August 27th, 2008 at 8:48 am
Dude, we should hunt down all these mouth-breathers and shuffle them off the mortal coil. Before long, the Spam will stop!
August 27th, 2008 at 8:37 am
zoloft, well, there’s your “Z”
August 27th, 2008 at 8:08 am
Hello. I would like to the hour you my endorsement take generic zoloft remedys buying. Yes It’s true!
My generic zoloft harmony arrived within two weeks in proper condition. The bores are prodigious! I just use half of a remedy at a dated, and somedateds the sensation ively is until this signal the next morning! I’ve straight tried a third of a drug at one go (I didn’t split it quite fit) and I until this felt the desired sensation ively.
-==-generic zoloft-==- is an FDA approved bore accessible spam from Canadian LICENSED Phbarmacy. USA & WORLDWIDE shipping are provided. right prices, lecherous delimerest, CERTIFIED dotors, and multitudinous more for our clients.
August 27th, 2008 at 7:52 am
What? I always thought Wolinsky was a Nigerian name! Does that mean I’m not going to get 10% of your 50 million like you promised? I already gave you my bank account info like you asked and everything.