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The 9 Worst Things Comic Books Have Ever Done to Wolverine

#4. Wolverine Watches Your Infant Sleep

Marvel released their 1993 Annual Stockholder Report as a demented comic, because no matter how much we mock them, superheroes are permanently awesome. Nothing has been cast in such a hilariously unsuitable form since Gozer the Gozerian. After battling the Hobgoblin they're plunged into darkness in a toy warehouse, which is how 50 thugs ask you to dance in Superpowerese. But they face a far more terrifying threat.

Marvel
Marvel
One more second and Tony would have repulsored that nightmare's face off.

And just like anyone faced with the dead eyes of a giant baby poking through an unexplained void into our suddenly shining universe of light, Wolverine promptly goes completely insane.

Marvel

They had three heroes to choose from. They could have had household celebrity electronics manufacturer Tony Stark, or the friendly neighbourhood hero Spiderman, but they decided the face of night-vision baby voyeurage should be Crazy Knife Man.

#3. Teen Prostitute Wolverine

Marvel decided that they didn't have enough Wolverine, even though he's been in more comics than staples. And has the most unoriginal powerset in history ("has claws and hard to kill" was invented the first time cavemen met a bear). And had already been copied to create his own villain, Sabretooth, meaning that most of his epic showdowns were the world's most superpowered catty fingernail fights, two people who totally hate each other scratching each other to pieces, then meeting next week to do it again.

Marvel
"And I can't believe you wore yellow, too. I told you I was wearing this today!"

Wolverine was a totally badass, growly antisocial guy who smoked and drank and who was so tough nobody better mess with him, and Marvel thought, "Hell, we can pander to young boys way harder than that."

Marvel

Cloned and raised as a weapon, X-23 destroyed all her fellow clones, killed the scientists behind it, escaped from the facility, and almost immediately had to work as a prostitute. Apparently single-handedly defeating a deep black government weapons program doesn't cancel out the biokryptonite orbs that are ovaries!

Marvel

This never happens to the male characters. We've never seen Jamie Madrox selling himself to bestow multiple orgasms, or Colossus working as the world's first wipe-clean hen party stripper.

Marvel
"I'm the best there is at what I do, which is why the male Wolverine doesn't wear a belly top."

#2. Being Steamrolled by the Punisher

While most of the Marvel universe believes that genocidal lunatics should be given as many chances as they need to kill the entire universe, Wolverine and the Punisher's only moral quandary is whether it's better to stab them or shoot them.

Marvel
Unless Wolverine has Superman speed, he's leaping in to cut corpse sashimi.

They got to test their theories in Punisher 17, where Frank Castle proved the Italo-Connery principle that it's easy to win a gunfight when your enemy brings knives instead.

Marvel
The 10 most brutally literal crotch-shots in history in one panel.

After blowing the canucklehead's face, balls, and knees off, Frank is left with an ethical dilemma. It's very rare to still have one of those after doing that. He can't actually kill Wolverine, who's not a bad guy, but knows the lunatic will be back on his feet in a few minutes and doesn't have the same restraint. He needs a way to hold Wolverine down until his scent fades, making him harder to track.

Marvel
If you thought the title of this section was figurative, you don't know how the Punisher rolls.

#1. "Winning" a Fight Against the Punisher

Hero vs. hero battles are always decided by whose name is on the cover, so they made it fair by having the Punisher turn up on Wolverine's home turf. We've just seen how, in his own comic, the Punisher used superior firepower and tactics, while Wolverine continually blundered face-first into painful disaster. In Wolverine 186, by contrast, the Punisher used superior firepower and tactics, while Wolverine continually blundered face-first into painful disaster, but then just kept going and won because that's Wolverine's entire deal.

Marvel
It was basically 20 pages of this, including being dragged behind a motorcycle and falling into a literal child's ball-pit full of grenades.

The problem is how Wolverine claimed victory. He throws Frank through a plate-glass window, the superpowered equivalent of a slap on the wrist, but then:

Marvel
Marvel

That was it. Marvel's most badass hero takes down their most dangerous anti-hero, and his entire victory was calling the other guy gay. In 2003. That'd be an embarrassing victory for a 7 year old, and it's terrifyingly bad writing for an X-Man. Wolverine is a member of the most hated and feared minority on his planet. It's unlikely he takes breaks from fighting oppression and hatred to indulge in a spot of hilarious homophobia. Punisher's victory reduced Wolverine to a two-dimensional carpet, but this victory reduced him to a one-dimensional asshole.

Find out more about how Wolverine Is The Worst Superhero Ever, or feel the fury of fanboys in The 5 Worst Video Game Reviews Of All Time.

For more Marvellous madness, check out The 7 Most Hilariously Mismatched Superhero Battles and 6 Ways Iron Man Is Objectively Better Than Batman.

Luke brings you more fictional conflict with The Adventures Of Internet White Guy Commenting On Equality! He also tumbles and responds to every single tweet. Tell him your favorite X-Man. He'll defend Dazzler to the death.

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