Cracked Columnists

The 9 Stages of Halloween Appreciation Throughout Life

Ages 29 to 35

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Oh my God, look how cute you are! Here, hold still while I draw on your whiskers. You are just the cutest little baby kitty in the whole world, aren't y- no, don't wipe off the paint, sweetie, let Mommy finish. Oh, now don't cry, we're almost done. Aaaaaalllmost done. Just a few more seconds, you're doing a great job. Grandma is just going to eat you up!

Just a feeeewwwww more seconds. You're such a big boy. Who's Mama's big boy? Who's Mama's cute little Halloween kitty? Aaaaallllmost done. Crap, honey, can you hand me that washcloth? I messed up his cheeks; I'll have to start over.

OK, is everyone ready to go? Let's load up, and- no, wait, I need to get a few pictures. It won't take a second. When we're done, make sure I don't forget to put the camera in my purse. Grandma will kill me if we don't get her copies of his first trick-or-treat. Oh, don't think that I don't see your fist clenching over there. Be an ass, why don't you? Why do you have to make a big deal out of absolutely everything? It's his first Halloween, for Christ's sake. You'd better not ruin it for him!

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"Now, you shut your goddamn mouth and smile for the fucking camera, or I swear, I will stab your dick off."

Oh, wait, before we load up in the car, get one shot of me and him together. It'll be like mama kitty and baby kitten! I'm dressed up because I wanted to dress up -- stop judging me!

Ages 36 to 50

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There's some pop in the fridge, and the candy is on the table. Don't eat all of it -- that's for the trick-or-treaters. If you want to rent a movie, the password for the parental lock is 1299. They're supposed to be done with trick-or-treating by 9 p.m., so if you want to shut the porch light off after that, that's fine. Your dad and I probably won't be home until after you've gone to bed, so no need to wait up. Regardless, you need to be in bed by midnight; you still have school in the morning.

Honey, am I showing too much cleavage? I feel like I've got too much boob showing. Oh well, I guess Halloween only comes around once a y- oh, God, you're not going as Dolly Parton again this year, are you? Christ. You know it's not funny, right? That there will be ten other guys there, thinking they're just as wacky and crazy, and every last one of them will be wrong?

Ages 51 to 65

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Goddammit, I'm disconnecting that doorbell tomorrow. All I want is to sit here and watch some TV. I have to work tomorrow, for Christ's sake. Who invented this dumbass holiday, anyway? Whoever they are, I hope their death was slow and violent. Goddamn kids. When I was a kid, we trick-or-treated for one hour, and even then, only at our relatives' houses. I don't even have kids anymore, and I'm expected to fork out my hard-earned money on candy, regardless? It's bullshit.

Ages 66 to 80

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I don't understand. Those first few kids came by, but after that, it's been totally quiet. I can see more kids out there, but they're just not stopping. Is our porch light working? Yeah? Huh. Maybe kids just don't get into trick-or-treating like they used to. When I was a kid, we trick-or-treated from the time the sun went down right up until it was time for school the next morning. Oh well, more popcorn balls for us, I guess.

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Yep, black licorice, candy corn, popcorn balls and orange blob things. Just what every kid craves.

Oh, by the way, I picked up eight rolls of film for the camera, so when the grandkids stop by, we can get pictures of them. After they leave, why don't you go put on that Minnie Mouse outfit and let me put it in your asshole?



John has a Twitter thing. Whatever that is.

For more Cheese, check out 26 Sexy Halloween Costumes That Shouldn't Exist and 7 Halloween Costumes That Never Look as Cool as You Think.

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