A fight isn't always the best place to be clever. You can prove this at home by arguing with a woman, but I'm actually talking about combat sports. Adrenaline, fatigue, and face punches are the enemies of creative thought. If you're standing in front of a man and inventing secret techniques to defeat him, you learn quickly that his idea to just grab and bonk you was better. That's why it's so special when someone in a fight comes up with an entirely new way to beat someone's ass. Here are nine of my favorites.
9Genki Sudo's Giant Swing
It's hard to wrap your head around Genki Sudo. He spent most of his fights grinning, dancing, or checking to see if Bruce Lee moves actually worked. Then he retired to start a robot techno band and write free-spirit books like Let's Be, Cat! He started his fights by leading a parade of costumed dancers to the ring and ended them by holding up a friendship flag. My point is, he behaves strangely for a man who kicks people for a living. It's suspiciously like he and Zooey Deschanel just got done coveting each other's lives while holding the same magical amulet. Is she maybe in an adult dodgeball league somewhere, screaming in Japanese and elbowing a man in the neck?
I'm glad he became a fighter because walking to a cage dressed in a steam-launching KFC bucket would have been insane under other circumstances.
In the year 2000, Sudo fought a man named Craig Oxley. It was on Halloween night, which may explain Sudo's mullet. His head looked like it bought a last minute costume at Walgreens. He had the hair of a meth dealer's 10-year-old. This joke may lose something in translation, but his hair was so ridiculous that barbers in Mexico call it "Haircut #2."
"Deluxe ROCKU STARU Wig! For size all and up!"
Despite his manic pixie dreaminess, Sudo was always a beast with his grappling. As soon as he stopped doing the cha cha and took a fight to the ground, he went after his opponent like a squid beating its wife. Craig Oxley learned this as he got dumped on his back and nearly submitted three different times in 60 seconds. Oxley narrowly escaped the onslaught and regained guard, or, if you don't understand MMA, here's a haiku:
Craig Oxley wrestled,
sad face wrapped in legs of the
In the year 2000, the standard attack from your opponent's guard was to patiently rest on his chest until the crowd booed. Sudo tried something else. He sprang to his feet, still holding Oxley's ankles, and started spinning him like a helicopter. Yes, Genki Sudo attacked a man -- in a real fight -- with a giant swing.
Traditionally, the best way to avoid this move is to have a falling out with your figure skating partner.
Was the Move Effective?
The giant swing has fallen out of use in professional wrestling, mostly because it's pointless and ridiculous. Today it's only used in position-of-the-day sex calendars, for precisely the same reasons. Sudo was doing more than screwing around, though. After two fun twirls, he dropped to his back with an Achilles hold already locked in, forcing Oxley to tap. Achilles locks are just painful rather than crippling, so it's rare to see one finish a professional fight. It might be possible that Genki Sudo had a secret plan to act so silly that his opponent's body stopped generating adrenaline. But ... that'd be crazy, right?
Crazy like a fox. Fwooosh!!!
8Edwin Dewees' Blood Drop
In a quarterfinal match of The Ultimate Fighter's fourth season, Edwin "Bam Bam" Dewees fought Gideon Ray. It became immediately clear that Dewees was better on the ground. He threw Ray down and spent five minutes molding him into painful positions. It looked like he was using this poor man's body to pitch a line of fun pasta shapes to Chef Boyardee.
WARNING: May contain GMOs.
Ray survived the first round, but went to his corner feeling as doomed as a box of beef anuses addressed to Chef Boyardee.
The second round started exactly the same -- with a man sitting on Ray's chest, twisting and ramming him like a mallard penis battling its way through a duck vagina. While this was happening, Dewees' face suddenly exploded. Blood gushed out of his forehead in thick, ropey cascades. It's hard to tell what caused it, but Ray's panic-like flailing from the bottom had ruptured something.
The referee called a timeout to see why Dewees had begun turning inside out. They rubbed the blood around with a towel and restarted the fight with Dewees on top. Unfortunately, none of that is how you treat a squirting face hole. Dewees had no choice but to hold his head's blood in with one hand while he beat the shit out of Ray with his other. And the stupidest thing about that was that it worked. He was winning a fight one-handed and comically doing nothing to stop his forehead from gushing blood. Edwin Dewees wasn't simply kicking ass -- he was inventing pornography for sharks.
Band-Aids are for pussies!
Dewees continued to throw punches, but a 185-pound man only holds so much blood. When you're seeing quart after quart of your fluids pour onto the floor, there's a point where you stop punching and start doing math. That's when Bam Bam risked a surge of brain blood to hatch a brilliant scheme. I know MMA is often attacked by homophobes, so I want to describe this as heterosexually as possible -- Dewees pulled away, carefully aimed the hole on the tip of his head, and dumped salty DNA all over the other shirtless man's face and mouth. Ray's response was about what you'd expect:
"Psst! Hey, Gideon. I don't use condoms. Cough."
Was the Move Effective?
It's hard to say how much bleeding all over someone helps win a fight. In fact, it did the opposite here. After Dewees clearly won the second round, the judges couldn't figure out who won. On one hand, Ray wasn't as good at fighting. On the other, most of his opponent was spread across several puddles. How does one determine the winner of an amateur blood transfusion? Well, under the circumstances, they made the worst possible decision. They called it a draw and made them fight a third round. To their credit, it's possible they were trying to develop a home remedy for sickle cell anemia.
Bam Bam came out strong in the third, since he had already lost all the blood that was in charge of telling his body it was running out of blood. Plus, his ability to leak into his opponent's eyes and mouth gave him a major psychological advantage. Ray spent the round clinging to Dewees' chest -- the MMA equivalent of screaming for help. Instead of stopping the fight, the ref just watched as Dewees used pushups to bash Ray's skull against the mat. It looked like a workout video for mothers currently giving birth. Gideon Ray and Edwin Dewees were very nearly the first two men to die simultaneously during breast-feeding. I think Dewees was finally declared the winner, but it was hard to hear over the half-summoned demon demanding to know who fucked up this blood ritual.