#4. Bob and Ed Scream for Help
Take out the captions and this is just a video of two goats calling out loudly, with mildly human-sounding voices. But put in a simple text caption and, suddenly, it's comedy gold. What we now have is two goats, separated, but not by far. They're so close to finding each other, but just can't quite make that last trek to reconnect. The first goat screams out, "Bob! Help!" over and over. I would have been perfectly happy watching just that. But when the camera switches to the other goat, I lost it, hearing him yell back, "Ed!" As if he had spent days looking for his lost friend.
But the real beauty is watching the video twice. That's when you start to hear what you didn't hear before. The goat in the foreground screaming out for his friend, Bob. And in the background, hearing Bob yelling back for him in the distance after each call. It's another case of something so, so simple. But holy shit, the comedy it creates is pure genius.
#3. Headbanging While Making Fire
There is no reason in the world this should be this funny to me, but I can't stop laughing. What's going on is that there is actual music playing, but it's coming out of a headset, and the camera is just far enough away that it's not picking it up. Meanwhile, the guy in the Speedo is trying to get a fire going by fanning air into the coals with a boat oar. All while his friend is headbanging along to the music that we can't hear.
My favorite parts are when the fire-making Speedo guy can't help it anymore and slowly busts out some headbang of his own. Like he had been holding it back all this time so he could get this damn fire going ... but there's only so much you can take before the mosh just overtakes you. Finally, he has enough of the fanning, tosses the oar and dives into the lake. The video ends with some death metal screaming, and that's it. That's exactly what would have happened, even without the camera rolling. I'm 100 percent positive of that.
#2. I Don't Want My Pizza Burning
What I'm about to show you is one of the most frightening things you're ever likely to see in your life. And make no mistake, this is funny for reasons that she never, ever intended. Yes, she attempted comedy, but I assure you that her jokes are not the reason you'll find this hilarious. And if they are, you're probably at the wrong website.
That's from a woman who dabbles in computer animation, so the video itself was made by her. One day she remembered that, as a kid, she had convinced her sister that when the Rolling Stones sang "I'll never be your beast of burden" they were actually singing "I don't want my pizza burnin'." Now, as far as puns go, that's not all that bad. But she tried to make an entire video out of that one-second joke, and it just ... goddamn.
The song itself is bad enough. She just took the MP3 of the Rolling Stones' song and put it in the background. Then she grabbed a shitty headset mic and started singing her lyrics over the top of their song ... horribly. Aside from the pops and cracks in the audio from her basically sucking off the microphone, she can't sing in even the general area of the correct key. And the jokes are so fucking bad. Then you get the added sucker punch of them all being not even remotely timed. Like maybe she sang her version separately, without using the music as a cue, and then slapped them together later. There's every possibility that this is actually the way she did it.
But then there's the animation. Holy Christ, that animation. For three and a half minutes, we're treated to the most psychotic mindfuck ever displayed through digital means. I'm convinced that this is what they make child molesters watch in hell. But don't you dare close that out in mid video. Because until you see her slowly turn toward the camera and do this, you have never truly experienced fear:
There are two types of people who watch this video. The first type stares in confusion and says, "I don't get it. That's stupid. She's not funny." And they close it out, never to think of it again. The second type are the ones who realize it's not about her attempt at comedy. It's everything else about the video that we find funny. The things she never intended. It's her honest attempt at making something that falls so far from the mark, psychologists could devote entire careers to its analysis. I'm begging you to not be a part of that first group, because there is so much more in this video that you're missing.
#1. Heinz Automato
I'm still not entirely sure if this is truly an amateur attempt or if it's a company thing designed to be viral. Either way, it's one of the funniest goddamn things I've ever seen, and it didn't get popular for five years. What? How? What the hell is wrong with the world, that this video can't be among the most watched YouTube videos in history?
It's two remote controlled cars with ketchup bottles strapped to them and compressed air feeds in the back. For added visual excitement, they slapped some plastic spinning muscle arms on the side and let it rip. The first one pulls up to a hot dog and just blasts the ever-loving fuck out of it with ketchup, missing everything but the last inch, and flooding the table with huge, runny globs. It takes a second to readjust its aim, but by that point, the bottle is almost empty. So with the compressed air still shooting through the bottle, it just farts and sprays a powerful mist of ketchup all over hell.
After the complete hilarious failure of the first one, the smaller of the two pulls up to its tiny hotdog, trips face first into the plate, spins its little arms and fires a single blast of ketchup through the air in the opposite direction. And I've never laughed harder at something so completely meaningless in my life.
I totally understand that comedy is subjective. I know that if everyone had the same sense of humor, it would be a really boring world, and making comedy would be the easiest career in the world. But I refuse to live in a world where these videos aren't the most popular things on the Net. We should all be ashamed.
John has a Twitter where he regularly gives away thousands of dollars for no reason.