8 Fake Medical Products People Pay Real Money For

Homeopathy, at its most basic level, is diluting some active ingredient until it's essentially gone, then selling only some of the water you wasted with the claim it will have an effect on various symptoms or conditions. Even as a scam it's stupid. The amount of dilution recommended by homeopathy's inventor contains one part of an ingredient per million billion trillion quadrillion quintillion parts of water. Which sounds like a child taking the piss out of numbers, but is the exact 1:1060 ratio called for. You'll find more realistic numbers on Magic: The Gathering cards. That ratio couldn't do anything even if the ingredient was antimatter. And trust me, if something can't solve its problems with antimatter, it can't solve any problems at all.

Unless your problem is "wanting to spend money on heavily diluted bullshit." Homeopathy can solve the hell out of that.

#8. Homeopathic Child Sedatives

Darrin Klimek/Digital Vision/Getty

The homeopathic "fears and nightmares" remedy No More Monsters turns childhood terror into future profits with imaginary medicine. That's the same plan as evil cartoon corporations, but with less connection to the laws of physics.

Homeopathy for Kids
What she's doing to him with that banana is the least medically problematic aspect.

There's no harm in tricking kids with the placebo effect. The placebo effect is awesome, and "being able to trick kids" is the No. 1 compensation for having them. But you're meant to convince them that a toy has the power to defeat imaginary monsters. The recommended dosage of No More Monsters is three pills per peaceful night's sleep. That's not a placebo, that's addiction training wheels. They're teaching children that pills make the scary things go away. That only works if you're Pac-Man. That kid's going to grow up into a pharmacological pachinko machine.

I've experimented with homeopathy before ...

My conclusions.

... and I didn't think anything could make me hate it more. So, congratulations homeopathy, you finally achieved something. Because playing pretend with your kids isn't meant to extend to their medical care. Look at this kid:

Hyland's 4Kids

That's not medical treatment, that's "doped up to the eyeballs while mommy's shows are on." This is for people who want to drug their children and this is the only thing the pharmacy will sell them. Those 125 pills should be 124 vitamin supplements and one tracking device for Child Protective Services.

#7. Homeopathic Child Vaccines

George Doyle/Stockbyte/Getty Image

Anthony Pinkus believes people should use his homeopathic remedies instead of getting vaccinated. We know this because he told a BBC reporter that his children use homeopathic remedies instead of getting vaccinated. But it's OK -- he thought the reporter was a mother asking if she should vaccinate her children.

Wait a minute, that's not OK. That's potentially lethal. You couldn't be more opposite of OK without losing a boxing match.

Comstock/Stockbyte/Getty Images
The exact moment he started believing in homeopathy.

Owner of homeopathic pharmacy Ainsworths, Pinkus sold sugar pills labeled "Pertussis Vaccine." Pertussis is also known as whooping cough and "Jesus, that thing that killed 13 babies in the U.K. the previous year." Pinkus was trying to beat Skeletor for Most Medically Impossible Evil Jerk. He insisted that the sugar pills had text warning that they weren't real medicine. Because, as we all know, medicine doesn't always come with a bunch of small text ignored by busy parents.

Dementors don't use this much dangerous magic on kids.

In the conversation with the BBC reporter's "concerned parent," he admits that homeopathy has absolutely no supporting evidence but implies greedy conspiracies in the medical industry. He also wrote that if a child took both, the homeopathic remedy would "offset the side effects" of the vaccine. So he's using both homeopathy and anti-vaxxing scaremongering. That sentence contains so many outdated medical horrors his fingers should have fallen off while typing it.

#6. Dog T-Shirt

andresrimaging/iStock/Getty Images

If pure goodness exists in this world, it exists in dog form. But homeopathy is all about ruining the few parts of nature that don't want to infect or replace us. And enabling the rest.

Just after licking her own ass, she's wondering what the hell YOU'RE doing.

Behold the lengths to which homeopaths must go to find someone who'll agree with them. And the dog doesn't agree -- it's just too nice to complain (also: can't read). But show a dog a bowl of food and a bowl of water and it'll be able to tell the difference. Even though random atomic motion of the atmosphere means that water now contains more of the food than a standard homeopathic solution. Dogs lick their own assholes and understand better clinical procedure than homeopaths.

Even in Amazon's image the product is clearly Photoshopped. They won't risk keeping even one of these in the warehouse in case it brain damages all the Singing Sea Bass. And that "MADE IN THE USA" tag isn't patriotism. That's because every time they tried to order dog homeopathy T-shirts from China the factory insisted that there must have been a translation error.

#5. X-Ray Protection Wallet

Baloncici/iStock/Getty Images

This product, advertised as a way to protect your homeopathic remedies and oils from X-rays, is self-contradictory, because a huge part of homeopathy is ignoring modern science. A true homeopath thinks an X-ray is something cast by lower-class witches.

zdravinjo/iStock/Getty Images
"'Ats fer laffin' at me 'at!"

The last time a homeopath got an X-ray, they started drinking diluted toothpaste to cure the skeleton monster. High-energy radiation hasn't hit this much magic since Iron Man attacked Doctor Strange. But that battle obeyed more laws of physics. And had significantly better art than the lead-lined brown paper bags these people are selling:

Organeekinc via Amazon

The picture says you'll only get one bag, but the page text says you'll get three. Forget physics, this person doesn't even understand numbers. Proven by how they're charging $54 for children's art so bad it repels refrigerator magnets. Imagine choosing that art out of anything in the world. (WARNING: Do not imagine being this stupid. It involves shutting down so much of your brain you won't be able to come back.)

Those aren't art, they're abstract representations of the concept of wrongness, the Etsy equivalent of that 10,000-year nuclear waste storage site designed to warn any living thing to keep away even after all our society's scientific knowledge is forgotten. Though here it's just because the idiot is ignoring it.

That said, I want every homeopath in the world to use these wallets. Please, homeopaths, try bringing vials and powders through airports in lead-lined containers. That'll be awesome.

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Luke McKinney

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