#4: The Spam Blog
The worst of the worst, stumbling upon one of these blogs is like being hit in the groin with a mallet labeled "You Clicked the Wrong Link, Idiot." The owners of these blogs trawl lists of popular search terms, then create posts which recite those search terms verbatim, all in an attempt to suck in traffic. They exist solely to exist, as well as sell ad space for awful products. Search engine optimization, dubious anti-spyware software and tiny cameras are typical, as well as pop-ups filled with horrible viruses.
I actually tried to search for a screenshot of a spam blog before I remembered that I didn't want my computer to get chlamydia. Here's a picture of an entire canned pig instead. It's a pretty small tin, so the contents are probably under pressure. Careful opening it, I guess.
#3: The Snark Blog
These are blogs which exist solely to toss petty insults at various public figures, typically celebrities. The defining feature of these is their meanness; the humor value in their insults is often completely absent. Yes, Charlie Sheen/Lindsey Lohan/Whoever The Fuck did something embarrassing last night. Of course they did. Because they've got fucking substance abuse problems. It's not funny; it's kind of sad.
An early draft of Mr. Mean actually had three pages of him taking low angle photographs of women getting out of cars.
I understand that some of these blogs are very popular, but that doesn't make them any less awful. That they're popular isn't an argument for snark blogs; it's an argument against humanity. If I were to make one suggestion to the snark blogs, it would be to stop picking on the easy targets. Take some swipes at well liked figures. Everyone's all up on Betty White these days, let's start calling her out. Maybe see if we can get some photos of Kirk Douglas trying to get out of bed. See if there are any jokes in that, assholes.
#2: The Crazed Blog
These lurk on the fringes of legitimate parts of the blogoplex, often around political blogs. You'll stumble upon these occasionally while browsing useful sites, maybe while pursuing an automatically generated link looking for Hillary Clinton upskirts. (This is all hypothetical.) Their insanity is easy to pick out when you arrive, as they tend to prefer garish fonts and graphical themes, animated gifs and heavy capitalization of words like Truth, Underground, Crystals, Secrets, Patriot, etc. ... They'll also usually have links to self-published books written by self-published book writin' kind of authors.
#1: The Micro Blog
These blogs are run by the minutiae-mongers, sorry souls who feel the need to itemize every minute of every day for an audience which I'm certain is fictional. I mean, the people who post blogs about their feelings are one thing, but at least they have something to say ("Alas!" typically). But the micro bloggers crowd the Internet with posts that have absolutely nothing to say. I don't care. Your friends don't care. Your mom doesn't care, and oh, she tried. "This is banal enough for me to stop loving him," she says, standing up from the computer, her mood suddenly lightened. "Thank goodness that's over." Remember, unless you're at least a Julia Roberts-caliber celebrity, no one gives a good goddamn about your life.
For more from Bucholz, check out 10 Tips for Raising the Child You Really Shouldn't Have Had and What The Hell Is Wrong With Twenty-Somethings?.