#4. Casey Heynes: Bully Buster
SETI: 68 percent
Sometimes the more abstract scientific concepts like to get in on the action. In this case, Natural Selection saw a twerpy kid try to bully someone twice his size and said, "Ha ha, I'm going to remind everyone that I'm still around." There are two important lessons viewers can take from this video. One, when you punch someone in the face as hard as you can and it doesn't bother them, don't hang around and work the body. Stop being a bully and run home to double check your genitals -- there's a good chance you've just been a confused ugly girl this whole time. Two, when you hear the voice of Odin whisper to pick up your tiny attacker and hurl him into the ground like so much unstrung puppet, answer his call!
Every time someone is a dick for no reason, that creates a negative energy that gets passed from grumpy asshole to grumpy asshole until it suddenly ends up in the glowing hands of a young boy when he needs it most. Seeing that idiot bully try to walk after Casey knocks his entire nervous system out of place is such a satisfying demonstration of karma. The joy of watching a villain get destroyed is exactly why the body slam was invented and why lethal injection chambers have spectator seats. SETI Fact: Despite its anger management issues, Physics is the good guy in every single one of these videos.
#3. Playground Face Plant
SETI: 71 percent
The moral of this video is that if you're perched on the top of something, it's best to jump off right away. Don't hang out indecisively and let the forces of nature surrounding you know you're a pussy. This kid is on a playground designed for children half his age, and he's whining about falling off a ledge 6 inches higher than a normal human's vertical leap. Gravity took one look at this and said, "They're filming a 3-foot drop? Why would they even do that if they weren't expecting me to do something arcane and liquify this little boy? Well, I'm not going to let them down. Let's multiply me by 1,000 and see what happens."
This is an inconceivable impact. This fat kid's mouth hit the ground so hard that a pie disappeared on the other side of the planet.
#2. Grape-Stomping Lady
SETI: 91 percent
This may be the most shit anyone has ever eaten from so tiny a fall. She hit the ground like God was spiking a football. She also managed to land directly on her lungs, causing her to feel a pain she could only describe with her impression of a sea lion removing anal beads. I know some of you have hearts, and may be starting to feel bad about laughing at the misfortune of the falling unfortunate. Don't worry, though. In order to make you feel better, I'm happy to prove why this woman cosmically deserved it.
Does anyone truly deserve to be betrayed by the laws of our universe and left in a moaning heap? Of course. If failure had no consequences, then whose daughters would strip for us? Look, this woman's job is to interview people for the news, and here are the three questions she asked:
"What kind of grapes are these?"
If you ask a question like that and expect an interesting answer, you're already taunting reality as we know it. Strike One.
"How do you measure how much juice people stomp?"
I could see being curious about this if we lived in a universe without measuring cups where people measured juice by shouting at it and listening for the echoes. Since we don't, Strike Two.
"So, like ... what else you got goin' on?"
This dingbat has sloppier broadcast skills than Janet Jackson's titty. Strike Three.
Then, after an interview that would get you fired from a middle school newspaper, she cheated in a gentleman's grape-stomping competition for no reason other than poor impulse control. That was Strike Four, and Physics had seen enough. It decided that if she was going to cheat, then so would Gravity. There's no other explanation for how she managed to fall from one bucket and still hit terminal velocity.
#1. Man Opens Automatic Door With Head
SETI: 98 percent
Imagine seeing an automated door for the first time, only you have the full deductive intelligence of a grown adult. You'd have to assume there was some kind of sensor that caused it to open, right? Maybe if you were more creative or more stupid, you'd assume there was a man with a terrible job watching from a security monitor and opening the door anytime someone got close. Either way, your first plan would be to approach it cautiously and see what happens. However, if you were awesome, you would take a full minute to make sure your documents were in order before charging into the unexplainable monstrosity with your head. This man was awesome.
Let's look at what we know. The man is already inside. So either someone is in the back of this building putting goat brains inside reanimated Punjabi corpses and unleashing them or this is at least the second time this dumbass has seen an automatic door. And we know he doesn't have a goat brain, because goats don't rearrange their Trapper Keepers to trick doors into thinking they're doing paperwork. This is a man intelligent enough to feel shame but stupid enough to run into a door faster and harder than any door technician could have anticipated. Where I'm from, we call that impossible. SETI Fact: If you're impossible, Science is going to try to kill you.