If you follow the laws of physics, gravity causes an object to fall at 9.8 meters per second squared. But there is no law on the Internet. Every day people upload videos of their friends smashing into the ground with a force far beyond the capabilities of our Earth's gravitational pull. In order to study this phenomenon and explain what science can't, I've developed a nearly mathematical system of collision analysis called Shit Eaten vs. Thinkable Impact, or SETI.
To find the SETI of a person, cat or fat person's fall, you simply take the amount of their Shit Eaten and divide it by the Thinkable Impact that should have occurred if physics were behaving itself. For example, if a man was walking on the ice and ate total shit from a 3-foot fall, you'd have a SETI rating of 33 percent. Everything over 50 percent is technically impossible, and a full SETI rating of 100 percent requires someone to completely explode from a calm, motionless position. A rating of 0 percent either indicates no impact or a massive -- but perfectly reasonable -- impact based on the distance traveled prior to the eating of your shit. For example:
SETI: 0 percent
Yes, it's an amazing impact, and this man's prostate probably deployed out the back of him like an airbag, but given his rate of speed and trajectory, that's exactly what should have happened. Now, let's examine the SETI of some of the Internet's greatest hits, lovingly illustrated by me and my Nintendo.
#8. Mechanical Bull Face Plant
SETI: 52 percent
YouTube has no shortage of fat women riding mechanical bulls, and the reason for this is obvious. A 400-pound lady struggling onto a robot cow is exactly why they put a camera on your phone. Hydraulic lifts call these videos "sex tapes."
What's special about this one is that it isn't the same old slow, heaving build to a predictable fall. Instead, the mechanical bull operator gives us two sneak previews of what's coming. He barely starts the bull twice, and even on the lowest setting, it instantly sends the woman's face crashing into the bull. It's almost like like her lower body was only there to dangle while her top half bounced through our world. This woman's weight distribution is a medical anomaly. You can't counterbalance a garbage bag full of hams with two hollow mannequin legs and call it a person -- that's how you build a trebuchet.
Future victims of hilarious violence can exacerbate their upcoming impact by building up potential energy. I went to public school, so my understanding of potential energy mostly comes from a book report I did on the film Ski Patrol, but it's something like this: You can tell how hard someone is going to party at the bottom of a mountain by how stupid they look at the top of it.
As you can see from the video, this woman spends a huge amount of time looking stupid and building up nervous energy. SETI Fact: When an asshole is about to eat shit, nervous energy has the same scientific properties as potential energy. The longer you giggle and chat before a fall, the longer Physics has to stand behind you and wait, and Physics hates waiting. So as Physics watched this silly woman learn nothing from two face plants, it decided that as soon as that bull got turned up to 0.5, it was going to stop wasting everyone's time and drive her head into it with the screaming power of 1,000 meteors. The universe is like a loose-cannon cop: Sometimes it has to break the law to enforce it.
SETI: 58 percent
Science has never gotten along with the ninja. One side is always going, "You can't explain me!" while the other shrieks, "Who said that!?" It's gotten so bad that if you put Science and a ninja in the same room, they just pretend the other doesn't exist, and they're both right. This video shows exactly why they should never work together. A man with two sets of nunchucks walks in front of a camera and hisses at it. Why? Well, I've found that if you're polite while you hold nunchucks, you never get a chance to use them. Speaking of nunchucks, I'd like to point out that after this guy gets knocked senseless and loses one of his nunchucks, his body's first instinct is to twirl the hell out of the remaining one and jump into a nearby drum kit. That speaks volumes about how much this man kicks ass.
Here's my theory: In the middle of this guy's back flip, science decided to get revenge on the ninja community for all their years of levitating and vanishing. It stopped his rotation precisely at the point that turned his feet into a fulcrum and transferred all his momentum into the world's most amazing headbutt. Seriously, that floor had to go to the hospital. Some experts still argue that science had nothing to do with this -- it's simply what happens when a lazy ninja is transforming into a diving falcon and forgets to do the non-face parts of his body.
#6. Dance Dance Revolution Fatty
SETI: 61 percent
There is another organization that uses the acronym SETI -- the Search for Extra Terrestrial Intelligence. And while I respect their desperate efforts to tell star monsters where we are, my system of Shit Eaten vs. Thinkable Impact measures things far more impossible than extra-terrestrial life. For instance, everything in this video.
Every time you add a pound of fat to your body, you also add 3.5 miles of blood vessels. This kid was dancing at a rate of 7 Footlooses per second, and in order for his heart to pump enough blood to his feet for that, it had to summon an otherworldly amount of energy. Ancient wizards called this technique "witchcraft." Modern scientists call it the same fucking thing.
If they have the Internet in the afterlife, all of Sir Isaac Newton's friends posted this on his Facebook page with the comment "lol u were wrong about everything." If every action had an equal and opposite reaction, then everything below this kid should be dead, including the Earth. Watch when he finishes moving his feet like a falling cartoon and he begins his dismount from Dance Dance Revolution's 2-inch platform. He braces himself with his hand and still manages to leave a crater in both the arcade game and the floor. SETI Fact: Inertia refuses to be mocked by the obese.
#5. "Hilarious" Graduation Stunt Accidentally Becomes Hilarious
SETI: 63 percent
Every outrageous person knows that a graduation ceremony is the perfect platform for wacky antics. The whole reason they give you robes is so you can more efficiently expose your penis. But for every legitimate penis shown to the mothers and fathers of your classmates, there's 20 graduating seniors who do something that's barely silly. This girl came up with the uninspired idea to do a little dance, and the dark gods expecting a penis were not pleased. They yanked her brainpan into the stage so hard that the education she'd just completed was squirting out her ears.
Give the unseen and unexplainable hand of fate some credit. What kind of a universe would this be if this type of behavior went unpunished?