#4. Green Livestock Farts
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Do you know what GMO stands for? It's "genetically modified organism," and people hate them. They don't know why they hate them, but they do. Many people are convinced that genetically modifying foods will turn us all into three armed mutants. Science says genetically modified foods are pretty much OK but science has no place in the world of people who can yell things louder than science. That said, someone wants to genetically modify cows to fart less.
As you may be aware, cattle and sheep are two really big industries for farmers. And they're also really big sources of greenhouse gases, as both animals are constantly farting and queefing us toward a hotter, more unlivable tomorrow. If cows had their way we'd all be in desert wastelands Mad Max style, wearing old football gear and leather chaps, eating canned dog food because that's all that survives. Fuckin' cows. But science says "hold on there, assholes!" and offers up the technology and know-how to make cattle green. Not literally green, although I bet science could do that too. They made glow-in-the-dark kittens, as I recall, and that shit is totally whack. But basically we're talking about eco-friendly cows.
The plan comes from Australia, where they must know a thing or two about farts, and it seeks to selectively breed cattle, sheep, and goats to reduce fart emissions by 40 percent or so. I'm not sure how you identify the fart gene in livestock to selectively breed it, but I imagine it involves spending a lot of time standing behind various cows and making appropriate notes on the subject while occasionally pausing to wash your face and sigh.
Journalistic Merit: 3 Anderson Cooper squeakers out of 5
#3. Fart Boners
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The lights are low. It's late; you're having drinks, sitting close together. You lean in close and, purposefully but slowly, you exhale ever so slowly against her ear, the warmth and force of your breath causing her to shudder just slightly as you whisper, barely audibly, how absolutely sexy she looks right now before you let your lips brush against the bare flesh of her neck. Then you fart and get such a raging boner.
Oh wait, is that not how it works? Well, screw you, because science says that's exactly how it works. Or almost exactly, I may have taken a few liberties with my paraphrasing. Point is, hydrogen sulphide gives boners to rats, and if it gives a rat a boner then I dare you to explain how you're not sporting a boner when you smell rotten eggs and/or tragic egg farts. Yes, science sought to make a Viagra alternative out of fart gas because it relaxes blood vessels and Italian scientists found a way to inject that into wangs to cause boners in rats. So maybe in the future your next hard-on will be as easy as sticking a needle full of fart into your dick. Ladies, get ready for some sexings!
Journalistic Merit: 2 dignified Walter Cronkite Farts out of 5
#2. Fart Battery
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You can't assault a peace officer. We don't allow it. Because of the nature of the work police officers do, they're afforded a degree of respect and protection that is somewhat above and beyond that of a regular citizen. And of course we see a lot of videos these days of police officers abusing their authority, but hopefully what we're seeing are the minority of irregular instances that exist among a majority of times when police do their job well and respectfully. All of this, of course, has something or other to do with why you can't fart on a cop.
Jose Cruz failed three field sobriety tests and, as a result, he was taken into custody. As the arresting officer was setting up a breathalyzer test, Cruz scooched closer in his chair, lifted a cheek and proceeded to fog the atmosphere with his foul wind. Worse, he used his hands to waft it towards the officer in a final, insulting gesture. The fart was so egregious that it was described as being "very odorous and created contact of an insulting or provoking nature" and netted Cruz an assault charge. Assault. With his ass. I'd say "ass-ault" but I made that joke earlier in the article. Maybe we'll go with ass-ail this time.
Journalistic Merit: 2 of Wolf's Blitzers out of 5
#1. Nancy Grace Fart Lovers
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Nancy Grace fits perfectly into this article, as I've often suspected that if a particularly sour and somewhat viscous fart were ever able to coalesce into human form, it would likely become Grace herself. So it's appropriate then that she has her very own fart story which we should never forget about because I bet it makes her unhappy to have this spread around, and if anyone ever deserved to be unhappy it's a terribly judgmental and destructively irresponsible blowhard like Nancy Grace.
If you remember some years back after Dancing with the Stars officially gave up on even trying to use "stars" and apparently went with the scientific definition being a hot, flaming gas ball, Nancy Grace was a contestant on the show. Here's TMZ's classy reporting on the subject;
This story alone would be funny enough because it's nice when a human troglodyte has to endure such childish humiliation on a national stage, but there's a second chapter to Nancy Grace Fartgate, and it is this -- fart aficionados, which I guess are a thing, wanted that clip. After the show aired, porn websites tried to buy the clip to post online so that people who are neither turned off by Nancy Grace or farting, and in fact may be turned on by both, could wank to the incident. This was reported as actual news in the real world. People wanted to jerk off to Nancy Grace farting. I dare you to forget that. I dare you to live the rest of your life oblivious to what you now know. That somewhere out there was a guy who was all, "Oh, yeah, this is alright!" and he took his pants off and sat in his comfy chair and probably buttered his schlong while watching that clip over and over again until he was finished and then he cleaned up with a tube sock.
Journalistic Merit: 1 greasy Nancy Grace Fart out of 5