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The 8 Most Important Farts Ever (According to the Media)

Oscar Wilde once said, "The public have an insatiable curiosity to know everything, except what is worth knowing. Journalism, conscious of this, and having tradesman-like habits, supplies their demands." If Wilde were alive today he probably would have said, "Fuck me, is CNN serious?" where "CNN" could be swapped out for any major news organization. And why? Journalism isn't exactly the hallowed institution it once was, if it ever was that institution at all. And to illustrate that point in the most hilarious way I know how, I've written this entire article to draw your attention to news stories that were focused chiefly on farts. Yes, the Fourth Estate occasionally finds time to address issues relating to southern hemisphere yawns in a way that surely makes Joseph Pulitzer sport a majestic ghost boner, as ghosts of journalists are wont to do.

#8. Domestic Ass-ault

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Picture Detroit, decaying urban sprawl and home of super rats that have achieved a rudimentary form of communication and barter system with other species. It's a rough town and will stay that way until RoboCop gets built, but God knows when they're going to get around to that.

Police receive a call -- a woman in peril. Neighbors have heard cries for help, a victim yelling "No! Stop!" from within her own home. Another tragic case of domestic violence? Not really. Another tragic case of a boyfriend sitting on his girlfriend and farting.

Police arrived on the scene and immediately took stock of the situation. One man, one woman, no signs of a struggle, fetid funk wafting through the air. It was a fart. Detroit style. This is where you put on your shades and breathe deep on purpose.

Reports of the incident indicate the neighbor who called not only heard the yelling, but heard loud noises preceding the yelling which she assumed to be the sounds of a beating. They were the man's farts. He was farting so loudly it could be heard in another apartment. He farted so loudly it made the local news.

Journalistic Merit: 4 Robust William Randolph Hearst farts out of 5

#7. Science of Fart Ease

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What is the easiest way to fart? It's a question that hasn't been asked time and time again by anyone ever. But science looked into it, and the media was hot on their trail because it was warm and vaguely oniony.

Turns out there is a better way to fart and it's not laying down as you might think, all luxurious and supine, vaguely rutting against your drool-encrusted pillow, grunting as you drift in and out of consciousness, not quite sure if you're pleasuring the cast of Sex and the City or not. No, the perfect fart can be crop-dusted simply by standing which allows for more gas to be expelled leaving you drained and satisfied on a basic, gaseous level. Aren't you glad someone looked into this? Aren't you glad I relayed the information to you? I wish there was anything else to this story, like a point, or even the inspiration behind why someone wondered what the most efficient way to cut one is, but here we are, just standing and farting, caught between satisfaction and dissatisfaction.

Journalistic Merit: 2 dusty Larry King Farts out of 5

#6. Deadly Fish Farts

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An actual accredited university in Canada studied whether or not Pacific and Atlantic salmon could hear the high frequency sounds emitted by whales. If they could, it meant they would know when a predator was approaching and this is probably vaguely interesting to fish and/or whale enthusiasts. What they discovered was that the fish themselves emitted fast, repetitive ticks to communicate with each other. From whence does a fish emit a fast, repetitive tick? Oh, you got it boss, from its fish ass. The fish machine gun little farts at each other as a method of sharing information.

Fish farting as a way of chatting is awesome all by itself, but then they found out the whales can hear the farts and that's how the whales hunt down the fish. So while the fish are farting their little Morse code warnings about an approaching whale, the whale is only approaching because it's hearing all the fart commotion going on. What a bitch Mother Nature can be.

Journalistic Merit: 3 dour Dan Rather Farts out of 5

#5. Fart Stabber

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For many people, cracking an air walnut is a source of much embarrassment. No one really wants to be the guy who made the room smell like pastrami and Grandpa's breath. So when it happens, there's a degree of shame for most of us. Unless we actually are Grandpa, in which case it's with a sense of pride you lift one withered cheek to let that stank rocket from the crypt like an accusing finger of ass mist.

Marc Higgins was a man with bean shame. While at a party, after letting loose what must have been a seriously epic subterranean snarl, other partygoers criticized and mocked him for his foul affront. Higgins responded in the way any insane person might, by storming from the party and then returning sometime later to indiscriminately stab people in an effort to teach them a lesson in courtesy.

In total, Higgins stabbed four people, killing one, because they made fun of his farting. He turned himself in stating he didn't mean to do it, he just wanted them to not mock him, and his victims were just the first four people he saw. What an asshole.

Journalistic Merit: 5 mustachioed Geraldo Farts out of 5

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Felix Clay

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