#4. Obama's Gay War on Marriage
In May of last year, the worst conservative fears had come true -- our president announced that he didn't care if gay people got married. You or I might call that apathy, or maybe basic human decency. Fox News, of course, called it a War on Marriage. Brave husbands around the nation took one last look at their wives before devouring one another's defeated yet eager penises. The straights had lost the war, and with it their right to an uncocked mouth. "I never knew unconditional surrender could feel so good," the straight husband said through frothy lips still moist from their first bite of dick. His words were given only a whisper of a response. .. the heterosexual husband tongue probing his butthole remained as silent as a garden slug.
There's no real cute way to break down the main conservative argument -- that same-sex unions somehow cloud the concept of traditional marriage. They obviously don't. If some guy married a baseball glove full of Jell-O, they'd still recognize you and your wife as the regular married couple and him as the maniac arguing with a gooey catcher's mitt. How ugly is your wife that you need to oppress millions of innocent people in order for us to tell the difference?
Conservatives have proud traditions in this country that they "fight" to protect, and what that basically means is that they think they can still be racist and homophobic if they do it carefully. Nobody at Fox News truly cares about "attacks on traditional marriage." If they did, they'd spend all their time complaining about divorce, which is fucking exactly that every time it happens. If you're not complaining about divorce or interracial marriage or why you're not allowed to shut your woman up with a stick, then you don't care about marital traditions. You just hate gay people. Or more specifically, devoted, loving gay people. If you deny that, yet still want to deny them rights, then fine -- I guess you're saying all men are created equal except for homos. Most of us can't pretend to be that stupid simply to protect our unconfronted homophobia, though.
I don't want this article to spark a lot of shallow political arguments. I know some of you out there want to ruin the lives of gay couples for noble, non-political reasons. If you're one of those people and reading this now, I respect what you're doing for this nation. And I'm sure your mother's abortion doctor is relieved to know that the "biggest mistake of his career" defied the odds and learned to read.
#3. Michelle Obama's War on Food
In the War on Fossil Fuels, it was easy for Fox News to pick sides. They saw those poor coal mine owners and oil executives getting picked on and knew they had to help. How do conservatives know which side to take in a war on food, though? Last year, that tyrant Michelle Obama was looking to cut down on childhood obesity by making school lunches more healthy. Now, we know Fox News will fight for sandwiches when they hurt gay people, but will they fight for sandwiches when they hurt fat kids?
Their War on Meat proved that no matter who they are fighting, Fox News always sides with sandwiches. Here is how the fight went down: The first lady proposed reducing fatty dishes and increasing the portion sizes of vegetables. Naturally, the Fox Nation handled this story with all the tact of a man arriving at a singles volleyball game nude and asking who else has herpes. As one columnist said, "Obama's USDA is creating a nation of vegetarians, by regulation. Take that cattle ranchers!" It's funny he mentioned cattle ranchers, because those words are exactly how you tell a rancher that one of his cows has kicked you in the head.
Calling healthy eating a war is stupidly crazy, but is there any hidden wisdom to be found in these right wing tantrums? Not even a little bit. If you see Michelle Obama helping obese children and you worry about the feelings of ramrod operators, XXXL underpant manufacturers, or asthma inhaler salesmen, you're being a contrary political asshole because you've forgotten how to be anything else. And despite what the contrary political assholes at Fox News say, no one is fighting a war on cheese, sugar, chicken, soda, salt, or panini.
We must all do our part.
Governments don't regulate your soda size because they're tyrants. They do it because it's nicer than calling you fat and waiting for you to pop.
#2. The War on Men
At the end of last year, most of the Internet put this mess of an article on our Facebook pages so we could make fun of it with our friends. It was written by a woman named Suzanne Venker who read a study that claimed men were losing interest in marriage. She suggested that women were to blame because "women aren't women anymore." All in all, she did a great job, considering that a fertility clinic janitor swallowed most of her before she left the test tube.
In any other publication, this article would have been called "I'm Checking to See if My Freshman Gender Studies Teacher Actually Reads These." On FoxNews.com, it was of course called "The War on Men." Suzanne was mocked relentlessly for her conservative-to-no values, her unfocused writing style, and her dingbatty idiocy. A week later, she wrote the rebuttal piece, "Let's Call a Truce in the War on Men." In it, she explained that the reason her article didn't make sense was because it "was supposed to be a teaser for [her] upcoming book, How to Choose a Husband and Make Peace With Marriage."
I've had my differences with the ethics and laziness of FoxNews.com before, but I don't even know what to call it when you start an editorial article and then ask your readers to go buy a book if they want to hear your fucking point. That's why I'd like to respond to Suzanne's failure with a joke. Suzanne Venker walks into a bar and takes out her penis. To find out how the bartender reacts, please buy my upcoming book, "I Was Talking to the Mustache, Slut!" and Other Dick Joke Punchlines.
#1. The War on Women
Republican lawmakers get all the intercourse they require from one another in public restrooms, so it's left them with no need for sexually active women. They think ovaries are the parts of the turkey that minorities eat. If you show Republican congressmen a picture of the female reproductive system, they tell you that's no way to tie a bow tie. They sometimes mix up the words "rape" and "Wednesday." Yet despite all this, they've decided they should legislate everything a woman does with her vagina.
As you've noticed from this article, when the Democratic government tries to regulate or deregulate anything from cars to junk food to killing bald eagles, it's called a war. When the Republican side does it, it's so totally not. They spent a lot of last year trying to convince viewers how ridiculous it was to refer to all these cervix-oppressing laws as a War on Women. Personally, I think referring to any of this political bickering as war is useless hyperbole. When you want the law to transvaginally ultrasound a woman before terminating her pregnancy, that's more like cockblocking than warfare. Still, it's way closer to war than some fussy atheist renaming a Christmas parade. Although both of those situations will give you a real good look at pussies.